


Sink Or Swim

by peaceoutofthepieces



Category: SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Anxiety, Asexuality, Biphobia, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Family, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Homophobia, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, basically sums it up, they’re bad at them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 174,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27060832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceoutofthepieces/pseuds/peaceoutofthepieces
Summary: Jens is beginning to feel lost—left behind. His friends all seem to be moving on at full speed, and he’s stuck. Even the parties, the skating, the weed, all no longer feel like enough. More than anything, he’s starting to feel alone. He’s swimming through mud—and it’s only a matter of time before he sinks.Lucas is suddenly disconnected. Even though he’s only moved a train ride away, he feels like there’s an ocean between him and his old life. He’s been dunked—dragged—suddenly underwater, and he can’t seem to make his way back to the surface.When the two boys collide, they begin to wonder if they’ve sunk as far as they think—or if they’ve just been waiting for the right hand to pull them free.~^~Basically, if VDS had their own Evak season.Please heed the warnings in the tags—more will be added if/when necessary and please let me know if you think I’m leaving anything out!
Relationships: Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 38
Kudos: 198





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will follow the main story of an Evak season but with twists to fit these characters. It will be updated weekly here or you can follow the ‘clips’ in real time through my tumblr (@peaceoutofthepieces) where there is also some extra content :) 
> 
> There is also a Spotify playlist for this fic which you can find here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/56EGwlNjeE7wOCCmxscVAq?si=iI7dRRDZRDC8msDbV_pcJQ
> 
> Trigger warnings will be added to the tags during the story (though most of them are already included) but I will also add them to the notes at the start.
> 
> For this chapter: mild homophobia (i.e. no blatant language/abuse) and panic attacks (also mild).

**_Saturday, 00:00_ **

**Songs: _220 KID & GRACEY - Don’t Need Love; The Bug, Copeland - Fall_**

“Okay, but she’s definitely fuckable. Robbe, tell him.”

“I don’t think I’m the best person to do that,” Robbe points out. 

They’re at another party. The difference, this time, is that they’ve claimed a couch instead of the bath and switched Aaron out for Sander. While Aaron is, somehow, the only one off hooking up with his girlfriend, Moyo and Jens are alternating between arguing over the girls present and mocking Robbe, who ignores them in favour of snuggling closer to his boyfriend, inches off sitting in his lap. It’s sickening and Jens detests the ache it leaves in his chest. Not jealousy over either of them, but both. 

He’s convinced, though, that no one can look at them without wanting what they have. The drama and the passion and the occasional ungodly amount of PDA all tied up neatly in the pure ease and unconditional love with which they interact. Yes, Jens sometimes thinks they’re so in love it makes him want to barf, still stuck in the honeymoon phase, but there’s an obvious familiarity between them. A comfort. There’s no doubt or hesitation that Jens has ever seen, only this constant, mutual reliance and reliability. 

It’s hopeful flirting and possible making out and random hookups and it’s also none of those things. 

Those are the things that Jens has. 

Robbe and Sander are each other’s _person_ , together in a way Jens hasn’t been with anyone since Jana. The way he might not have been even then. 

Jens doesn’t think he’s ever had what they have. Recently, he hasn’t really been able to imagine he ever will. Always, he’s wanted it, while trying to convince himself he doesn’t. 

Sometimes the desire runs so deep in him that it’s not so much a want as a _need_. 

“Sander, then,” Moyo tries, and Jens could’ve pointed out the pointlessness of that idea before he’d even opened his mouth. 

Sander stops his careful examination of a lock of Robbe’s hair to blink at them. “Who?”

Jens huffs a silent laugh at Moyo’s exasperated response, shaking his head. Neither Robbe or Sander would be reliable in their opinion, even if they did give it, because at the core of it they don’t care about anyone but the other. Objectively, Sander could end their argument on whether the blonde across the room is hot enough for Jens to approach, yes. Robbe could, objectively. Neither of them would actually care what answer they gave. 

Jens just knows this party isn’t going to be where he finds what he needs. 

“Not worth it, man,” Jens repeats, with another shake of his head, and Moyo heaves a sigh. 

“So, what? You’re gonna spend every party with Loved and Lover here, pathetically alone and drinking cheap beer?”

Jens twists around to face him more, raising a brow. “And where exactly is this lover of yours?” Moyo opens his mouth and immediately snaps it shut again. “That’s what I thought.”

“He has a point,” Robbe agrees, and Jens gives him an appreciative fist bump. “You spend a lot of time convincing Jens to hook up with people you could go hook up with yourself, if you find them so attractive.”

Moyo scoffs, looking between the three of them for support and finding none. “Nah nah nah, wait. That’s not the point. The point is, Jens is the hooker upper. I’m the matchmaker. Yeah? That’s how we work.”

“Who have you ever matched?” Robbe demands, with the hint of a laugh in his tone. 

“Okay, you just don’t count, because I was trying to match you with girls and that was just never going to work. Even if I had known, I never would’ve picked Sander for you.”

Sander locks his arm around Robbe’s chest and plants a kiss on his head. “I got there myself, but I appreciate knowing you wouldn’t have helped.” Moyo’s protesting before the words are even out of his mouth, but it’s obvious Sander’s teasing even before his giggles start. Robbe shares a look with Jens, rolling his eyes fondly. Jens can’t help but smile a little. Sander and Moyo’s friendship was unexpected for the obvious reasons, but Moyo’s obvious fascination with the blonde has become somewhat of an ongoing joke. Sander had been able to mesmerize all of them when they first properly interacted, getting a much clearer image than that which he’d presented at the beach house. Jens had snapped out of it simply to remain in his protective best friend role, but Moyo and Aaron had succumbed quickly and have since been unable to escape. Jens enjoys teasing them mercilessly about it. Robbe occasionally joins, but the ribbing is too easily turned on him for it to be entirely effective. 

Sander took to the affection and praise like a sponge to water. An initial lapse of shock before he allowed himself to soak it up. Jens allows it for the smile it brings to Robbe’s face, there with the knowledge that Sander is finally receiving the love he was looking for, in the best way Robbe could have hoped for. Jens understands his perspective. He isn’t sure what he’d do without his Broerrrs. 

But Jens also knows how they can sometimes be a little too much, and it’s in those moments that Sander gravitates towards him. Jens only offers him compliments teasingly, in the same friendly way he jokes with Robbe. He doesn’t shower him in praise or stare at him for occasionally uncomfortable periods of time. Sometimes they don’t even speak, Sander only joining Jens’s company for a moment of peace, a silent reprieve. Jens has learned to recognise these moments and let Sander into his bubble, presenting the comfort only his chill persona can offer. 

Robbe had asked him to make an effort, so he has been. It has nothing to do with him actually _liking_ Sander. That’s still up for debate. 

Robbe kicks his thigh now and raises a brow when Jens looks at him. “You still with us?”

“Sadly,” Jens says bluntly. Robbe sticks his tongue out at him. Jens pats his shins then lifts his feet off his lap to stand. He drops them back on his vacated seat and ignores his friend’s indignant protest. “I’m gonna go get another drink.”

“Bring me one,” Moyo calls after him. Jens waves a dismissive hand. 

He has to work his way through writhing masses and hookups on the point of public sex before he actually makes it to the kitchen. He finds a table full of bowls, bottles, and plastic cups, and Jana sat on the counter, Luka stood between her thighs. He stiffens slightly but manages to go on without a pause, mumbling a, “Sorry,” as he casts around for unopened beers. He finds a set and picks two up, ready to whirl around and make his escape. 

Then Luka asks, “Hey, can you pass me one of those too?”

The muscles in Jens’s shoulders bunch, but he reaches for another beer. He turns around and passes it to the older boy, who accepts it with barely a glance and gives half a mumble of thanks. Jana catches his eyes and gives a small smile, and Jens manages one back before getting out of there. 

Instead of going back to Moyo’s incessant pushing and Robbe and Sander’s love fest, he makes his way to the bathroom. It’s blessedly empty, and Jens lets out a breath as he closes the door. He sits on the edge of the bath and sets the bottles on the ground, bracing his hands on the ceramic and letting his head drop. In a minute, he’ll take a piss, collect the bottles and go back to his friends. He just needs a minute to be _purposefully_ alone, to set himself aside by his own choice so he can breathe. 

He’ll just take a minute. 

**_Saturday, 15:38_ **

**Song: _Eden - projector_**

The apartment is…fine. The furniture is minimalistic, the paint is relatively plain, and there are no oddly patterned tiles, or wallpaper, or upholstery. Everything is just very...fine. It’s nice, probably. In that way that you don’t really pay attention to it at all, unless you have a previous intention. 

Since Lucas has nothing better to do, he thought he might as well examine every inch of the place he’s being forced to live in. 

His room, in particular, is _great_. Oak floor. Beige walls. A bed, chest of drawers, a closet, a desk. The door slams nicely (he checked), so that’ll probably come in handy. It’s also stacked with boxes and covered in random items of clothing Lucas gave up trying to organise. 

But it’s fine. And he’s fine. Everything’s fine. 

That’s why he’s taken the blessed opportunity of his dad’s absence to claim the couch in the sitting room and stare at a single crack in the ceiling. Because he’s one hundred percent, completely, fine. 

His phone buzzes where it sits on the coffee table and he almost rolls off the couch in his haste to pick it up. Kes is calling him, and a breath of relief escapes him as he answers and brings the phone to his ear. 

“Hey,” he greets, cheerful as always. Kes’s equally enthusiastic response brings a genuine curve to his lips as he flops back down on the cushions. This is what he needed most—familiar company. The fact that it’s Kes in particular is also a bonus.

“How’s life in the big city?” he teases. 

Lucas breathes a laugh. “Not that big? Pretty quiet. Apartment’s actually okay though. I can give you a video tour later, if you want.”

“I do want. How have things been with your dad?”

“Well. It’s been a day and we haven’t killed each other yet. So, fine? But maybe that’s just because he isn’t here right now.”

He can almost hear Kes’s blink in the following pause. “Where is he?”

“Work.”

Pause. “On a Saturday?”

“Yep. Something about having to get things in order, so he makes a good first impression, or something.”

“So you’re there by yourself?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. I’d rather that than have to force polite conversation with him. I like my alone time.”

Kes huffs. “ _Alone time_ , I see. Did I interrupt?”

“Ha,” Lucas responds drily. “That wasn’t what I meant.”

“Not a bad idea though.”

“Shut up, Kes.”

Kes laughs fully this time, and Lucas wishes he was there to hear it in person. He wishes he was there to see his dumb expressions and shove him for being an idiot and have him see the way he’s rolling his eyes. He wishes he was home. “Really, though. Might make you feel less lonely.”

Lucas doesn’t bother pointing out the inaccuracies of that, because it hits a nerve, and all he can manage is to mumble, “I’m not lonely.”

Another pause. “Have you met anyone there yet? Visited anywhere?”

“I’m planning on taking a walk around later. But I’ve mostly just been unpacking. Didn’t get a chance. I’ll be going to school in two days, so.”

“Are you nervous?” Kes asks, seemingly genuinely curious. Lucas shrugs to himself and hopes his silence relays the gesture to Kes. “I’d be nervous,” he offers. 

Lucas snorts. “You? Nervous?”

“Yeah? In that subtle, my-palms-are-kinda-sweaty way. A whole new environment, with completely new people. Anyone would be nervous. That’s normal.”

“Cool. So I’m normal. That’s gonna really help me out.”

“Maybe. Or maybe the Belgian folk like it freaky.”

Lucas pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s smiling uncontrollably. “So which is it? Do I be normal or freaky?”

“Be you. That’ll guarantee you instant friends.”

Lucas drops his hand down to pick at a thread on his sweatpants. “I don’t know about that.” It’s not like he has _many_ friends at home. He has Kes and Jayden. The girls. His classmates always like him well enough. He can have a casual conversation with pretty much anyone, without it being too weird. He can catch a girl’s interest without too much work. He’s a likable person. Or at least has a likable personality. He knows that. But he can’t quite get rid of the sweaty palms and bubble of anxiety in his chest. He kind of thinks he doesn’t _want_ to draw that much attention. 

He also doesn’t want to be alone. 

“You’ll be okay, Luc. They’ll love you. Promise.” Kes blows a smacking kiss and Lucas has to laugh a little. At least he can always just call Kes. At least he’s just a train ride away. 

Right now, it just feels a little too far. 

“Thanks, Kes. You want that tour, then?”

“Hell yes.”

**_Sunday, 13:49_ **

**Song: _Cook Thugless - Lockjaw_**

This is the point in the week where Jens regrets not doing the homework due for Monday. This is the point in the week where he realises he’s a total fucking idiot. 

He’s at the stage where he’s tempted to just give up. Abandon it and play a video game with Robbe, or if he’s not free, maybe find a movie. But he also knows he needs to have this in. He needs to keep his grade up in this class. Still, it doesn’t make the words on the page easier to focus on. It doesn’t allow him to feel any less frustrated. It only stresses him out more and leads to a bigger mess of his hair, his hands forever running through it and tugging in distress. 

His biggest mistake is attempting to do it at the kitchen table. Lotte is the first distraction, but she lets him be after a simple explanation. Then there’s a cat at his feet, trying to climb into his lap. Then his parents come home, and the sudden onslaught of various noises makes him want to pull his hair out. School work is probably the only thing that drives him to such a point of frustration. School work and, occasionally, his family members. Letting the two combine is his biggest mistake.

His mother is the first to enter, arms laden down with grocery bags. She spares Jens a glance as she deposits them on the counter. “Homework?” she questions. Jens hums. He does his best to keep his attention on the material in front of him as she begins opening cupboards. It works, mostly, if he considers reading the same line over and over as working. The delayed entrance of his dad once again drags him away from it, as he enters the kitchen still in his blazer and lays a heavy hand on Jens’s shoulder as he passes him. 

Jens looks up at him and raises a brow. “You wore your work clothes to go grocery shopping?”

He gives a small laugh. “I dropped your mother off at the store before I called into work.”

“It’s a Sunday.”

His dad takes a seat at the table and tosses his blazer over the back as he looks at Jens. “I’m aware, son. Some of us need to put in the extra time, you know.” He glances over his shoulder at his wife. “Are you making lunch, Ellis?” She gives a nod, holding up a salad pack in question. He responds with a thumbs up before turning back to Jens. “I’m surprised to see you doing work in the afternoon rather than at this time during the night.”

Jens just shrugs. “I’ll probably still be doing it then.”

“Well, it’s good to see you putting the effort in. The last few marks could have been better, no?” Before Jens can agree, he’s adding, “I understand, though. Now you’ve got yourself some more outgoing friends, you want to join them all the time. I understand that.”

Jens raises a brow. “I don’t think Robbe has suddenly gotten more ‘outgoing’. His grades are better than mine.”

“I’m not talking about Robbe. Moyo, and the other one. I know Robbe isn’t the rowdy type,” he gives another little laugh. “Robbe hasn’t been around here much recently. It’s nice to see you with some new friends, I mean.”

“I’m still friends with Robbe,” Jens points out, getting a little confused. “He hasn’t been around as often because he’s with his boyfriend. That’s all.”

“Well then, maybe it’s a good thing he isn’t around so much.”

“Vince,” Ellis interrupts, in a way that Jens first thinks is berating, but realises is just an attempt at gaining his attention. “Brown bread or white?”

“Brown,” the man answers. Jens sits and stares at him, waiting for him to continue, to give some kind of explanation. Instead he picks up the newspaper at the end of the table and acts like that’s a suitable end to the conversation. Was he implying what Jens thinks he was? He wants to shake the thought away, but the longer it sits in his head, the more convinced he is that it makes sense. That he realises he isn’t actually all that surprised. He stares at his book, debating just letting the topic drop.

Then he sits back and says, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Vince looks up at him and purses his lips, shrugs. Jens raises a brow, waits. “Well, Robbe’s always been a little fonder of you than necessary, no?” 

Jens blinks. “He’s my best friend. Isn’t he supposed to be?”

“It’s not really a friendship kind of fond though, is it?”

Understanding sinks in under his father’s prompting gaze, in the hint of laughter in his tone. He remembers all the times Vince had come home and ushered Robbe out, with a wink at Jens or a pat on the shoulder, as if to say ‘you’re welcome’. He remembers all the curious looks, the over-exaggerated joy at Moyo’s appearance. He can’t believe he’s only noticing it now, until he realises he isn’t. He _had_ noticed it before. Clearly he had, if it so easily comes to mind now. He’d just chosen to ignore it. 

The horrible thought comes to mind that, if he’d seen it, it’s possible Robbe did too. 

“So what?” Jens demands. “If Robbe liked me, what difference would that make? It’s Robbe. It’s not like he’s going to molest me in my sleep.”

Vince makes a face like he doesn’t entirely agree, but he doesn’t argue. Instead he says, “It’s just better that you’re not around that type of influence so much, yes?”

Jens glances at his mom, who’s still standing at the counter, taking her time with the food and obviously hearing everything. Obviously not caring. Obviously in agreement—or at least, she doesn’t disagree enough to argue with her beloved, businessman husband. Jens huffs something like a laugh, then stands up and begins collecting his books from the table. He definitely isn’t going to get any work done like this. 

“Where are you going?” Vince asks.

“To do my work in my room.”

His dad rolls his eyes. “Come on now, Jens, don’t tell me I’ve hurt your feelings. I just think it’s nice that you’re spending less time with just Robbe and more with people who are into the same things as you. If Robbe’s gotten himself a little boyfriend, you can let him be. Branch out a little.”

Jens snaps the last book closed and tucks it under his arm, sparing the man one last glance. “Thanks for the advice, Dad. I’ll keep it in mind.” 

He pushes down the uncomfortable feeling in his chest, brushes off the lingering cloak of anger as he jogs up the stairs, and manages not to slam his bedroom door behind him. He dumps his books on his desk and flops back on his bed, heaving out a sigh and rubbing a hand over his face. Now he really does want to give up and call Robbe. 

He debates for another moment before picking up his phone, but he opens Instagram instead of his messages. The first story that pops up is Robbe’s. A simple image of a laughing Sander, uploaded twelve minutes ago. Jens locks the phone and tosses it aside. 

He goes back through the conversation and tries to figure out if he made it out to be a bigger deal than it was. If maybe it wasn’t what it seemed, that the dig wasn’t that deep. He’d occasionally thought of his father as stuck up, but he hadn’t gone as far as prejudiced. He doesn’t want to go there now. It really _isn’t_ that big of a deal. So what, if his dad’s a bit of an idiot? It’s not going to change Jens’s thoughts on the subject, and it definitely isn’t going to take him away from Robbe. Or Sander, for that matter. The best idea would be to just brush it off and forget about it. It doesn’t matter. He never lets this stuff bother him. 

So why can’t he let it go?

**_Sunday, 20:46_ **

**Jayden:** _GOOD LUCK TOMORROW LUC!!!_

_not that you need it_

**Lucas:** _no, but it’s nice to have_

**Kes:** _you’ll knock ‘em dead 😌_

_just remember you’re the hottest guy there_

**Jayden:** _this is true!!_

**Lucas:** _yeah, okay 😂_

**Kes:** _tell us how it goes! we’ll be cheering for you 😘_

**_Monday, 12:06_ **

**Song: _Culi - Acid Tears_**

Lucas is trying very hard not to be nervous, but starting at a new school a month into his last year is not the easiest thing he’s ever done. He’s been to the office to get his schedule and his assigned locker and has managed to survive the first half of the day. 

Now, lunch. 

The thought of going to the cafeteria majorly freaks him out, but so did going to his first class, and his second, and so on. Thankfully, none of his teachers had done an embarrassing class introduction, only holding him outside the door for a moment to introduce themselves. Therefore, he manages to remain mostly hidden in his first few classes, earning nothing more than a few dozen curious glances. So far, however, no one has been curious enough to actually approach him. 

The blonde that appears out of nowhere the instant he steps into the courtyard, however, is a very different story. She smiles brightly at him and cheerfully greets, “Hi! I’m Amber. You’re the new student, right?”

Lucas blinks. He’s tired and hungry and his palms have been sweating all morning and he feels sick with nerves. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with a bubbly girl, has absolutely no desire to interact with her—Amber—for any amount of time. He doesn’t think she’s going to be his type of person. 

But he should be trying to make a good first impression. He probably shouldn’t tell a likely well-known girl to fuck off. He probably shouldn’t be rude or flippant. He probably should be as nice as he can be. ‘Charming’, as Isa has always said and Jayden has always teased him about. This girl is the only person to actually approach him today. It wouldn’t be a good look for him to mess this up. He doesn’t know what the problem is. He usually isn’t so nervous. He’s usually cooler than this. 

But, he hasn’t been somewhere where he’s absolutely friendless since he was four. 

He puts on his best smile. “Lucas,” he introduces. “Do I look that lost?”

Amber laughs easily and Lucas relaxes slightly, his smile becoming a bit more natural. She might not be his type of person, but at the very least it’ll be nice to have a friendly face. She’s bubbly in an almost Isa-like way, although maybe in a more superficial manner. “No, sorry, I’ve been assigned to show you around and get you settled. I was supposed to do it this morning but I couldn’t get in until late and you’d already gone off to class and I thought I’d let you settle yourself and then check up on you.”

“Ah,” Lucas nods. “You know, I would’ve happily let you pull me out of class. I thought I would be behind but I think we were actually a little ahead.”

Amber smiles brightly at him. “For future reference, I’ll remember that.”

“Do they really assign like, student tour guides here?” Lucas asks, just to keep the conversation going. Now that he’s speaking to someone, he realises how much more normal it makes him feel. He’s no longer out of place. Even if there is an obvious divide between them just in this simple conversation, their conflicting accents an unfamiliar barrier. He hadn’t thought about that until this morning, when his first teacher began giving the class and it took more work to keep up just because he had to pay closer attention to what she was saying. 

Amber shrugs, still smiling. “I’m not sure. They didn’t actually tell me much about how it works. We don’t get many new students, so…”

Lucas's smile tightens again as he nods. He searches for something else to say, something to divert the topic back to safer ground. Instead he’s saved from saying anything by another girl popping up next to Amber, this one with glasses and a head of curls. 

She blanks Lucas entirely to focus on her friend, saying, “Jeez, I thought you were done with the disappearing acts. Your boyfriend was looking for you.”

Amber rolls her eyes. “I didn’t disappear, I told you where I was going. You’re being rude to Lucas.”

The other girl looks at him then and does a double take. Lucas shifts on his feet as she takes him in from head to toe and smiles appreciatively. “You’re new? Of course you’re new. I would’ve noticed you before. Luca,” she sticks a hand out. 

“Uhm,” Lucas shakes her hand, “it’s Lucas.”

She nods, smile widening. “You’re Lucas. _I’m_ Luca.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Lucas raises a hand to his head, laughing slightly. “You’re Luca?”

“We’re almost name twins!” Luca states excitedly, holding her fist out. 

Lucas laughs properly and bumps it. She’s just as bubbly as her friend, Lucas realises, just in a different way. In a ‘cooler’ sense, he supposes. They seem to make an odd pair, but at the same time, it seems to make sense. Maybe Lucas is just used to odd pairs. Ralph and Esra are certainly one of the oddest duos he knows, as well as Engel and Janna. But they still fit, in some haphazard way. There’s an odd pang in his heart at the thought of them, all of them, reminding him he misses people that are barely acquaintances. He forces them out of his mind before it can get any worse and refocuses on the girls in front of him, now caught up in a conversation Lucas has missed. 

“—know Jana is probably going to invite them anyway, so you’d be better telling Aaron on you own,” Luca is telling Amber. Lucas doesn’t recognise any of these names, but he feels safe enough in assuming Aaron is the aforementioned boyfriend. 

When Amber only sighs quietly, looking thoughtful, Lucas takes the opportunity and asks, “Is Aaron your boyfriend?”

Amber quickly brightens again, nodding, but Luca cocks her head at him. “Why? You interested?”

Lucas quickly looks for a denial, because a false interest in a girl with a boyfriend is nowhere in the realm of what he’s going for today, but Amber is already hitting her friend’s arm and beating him to it. “He’s just trying to make conversation, Luca. He’s _nice_.”

“Chill. I was just going to say that if he is, you have a boyfriend, but I’m very much single.” 

She directs the end of her sentence to Lucas with a pointed wink, and Lucas bites his lip and very pointedly does not laugh. He has to give her credit for confidence, that’s for sure. Lucas could never go up to someone he was attracted to and be so forward. 

Lucas could never go up to a guy and be so forward. 

“I’m not really looking for anything at the moment,” Lucas says, letting a hint of disappointment and apology slip into his tone, as if some emotional hardship is leading him to turn her down and not a complete lack of interest. He has to do it now, gently, before anyone gets any wrong ideas. He actually quite likes Luca, and Amber seems genuinely sweet, and he still doesn’t want to mess up with the only people who have put any effort into talking to him. 

“Ah,” Luca nods, patting his shoulder. “Well if you change your mind, you can always let me know.”

Lucas lets a tiny huff of laughter escape as Amber hits her arm again. “Luca, you’re going to scare him off. It’s like with Robbe last year.”

“It is _not_ like with Robbe. And I didn’t scare him off. Robbe and I are like, best buds.”

Amber turns back to Lucas and smiles brightly. “Maybe Lucas could be their best bud! I should introduce you to Aaron!”

Lucas starts to nod, but Luca is already shaking her head, waving her hand in front of Amber. “No no no, no way. This guy is way too pretty for that bunch. He’s actually cool. Don’t give him to your boyfriend.”

“Aaron’s cool,” Amber defends.

“Yeah, right.” Luca clasps the blonde’s shoulder and purses her lips, clearly not agreeing, before shooting Lucas a reassuring look. “I’m sure Lucas has already at least set his sights on who he wants to be friends with.”

Lucas snaps his gaze away from where it had caught and lingered on a short boy in a brown coat and a taller boy with raven hair, giving the girls his attention again. He smiles weakly. “I’ve kind of just been trying to get through classes this morning. I haven’t really worried about that yet.”

They both frown slightly, somewhat sympathetically, before Amber is shooting him another beaming smile. “Well, you can consider us friends now. Would you still like a tour?”

“You wouldn’t mind?” Lucas asks hesitantly. It would definitely help, having a better idea of where he’s going and not showing up late to all of his classes. He’d rather not have to be the awkward, annoying new kid who has to ask everyone in the halls. “I don’t want to ruin your lunch break.”

Luca tsks. She stretches her arm up to wrap around his shoulders and begins pulling him along. “Ahh, Lucas, Lucas. You’re the best thing that could happen to this lunch break.”

**_Wednesday, 10:57_ **

**Song: _lauv, Troye Sivan - i’m so tired_**

Jens can’t wait to get home. No, that’s not right. He has no particular interest in going home. He just can’t wait to be done with classes for the day. 

He has to manage another hour or so, and then he’s free to go. Right now, he’s lingering with the boys by Moyo’s locker in the few minutes between classes, resting his head against the metal with his eyes closed. He’d had the worst night’s sleep and his head is splitting and Aaron’s loud cackles aren’t really helping. Robbe’s soft giggles mellow it out, however, and Moyo’s antics are usually enough to drag a smile out of him, so he endures. It’s better than sitting in any of these classrooms for longer than he has to. 

Robbe pokes his side and Jens lolls his head around to look at him. Robbe smiles softly. “You okay? You look tired.”

“I am tired,” Jens admits, shrugging. “Bad sleep. I just need to start doing my assignments on time. Nothing to worry about.”

A tiny crinkle forms on Robbe’s brow, like he disagrees. “You know if you ever want help with anything, you can ask. I’ve been told I’m actually a good study partner.”

“I don’t think anatomy is what I really need to be studying and I don’t think Sander’s opinion counts,” Jens raises his brows. 

Robbe shoves him and blushes. “I was talking about _Yasmina_.”

Jens mock gasps. “Does Sander know about this?”

Robbe smacks him over the head and Jens whines a complaint, stepping away. “Okay, okay, I concede, don’t, I have a headache.”

“Excuses,” Robbe jokes, but he gives his arm an apologetic squeeze. Jens raises his hand with a questioning flick of his brows. Robbe rolls his eyes, but nods and braces himself. Jens cuffs the back of his head. 

Jens smiles. “You wanna come to the skatepark after?”

Robbe gives him an apologetic smile. “I promised I’d meet Sander for lunch, so I can’t go right after. But maybe later? You could go do your homework for an hour and then meet me?” he suggests. 

Jens narrows his eyes at him, then settles back against the lockers again and shrugs. “Can’t do homework. Headache. Need fresh air.”

“You’re a mess,” Robbe shakes his head, smiling fondly. Jens doesn’t need anyone to tell him that. He’s fully aware. “But I still can’t meet you until later.”

Jens sighs, but it’s what he had expected. He’d be surprised if Robbe _didn’t_ have plans with Sander. He understands it, he does. During his relationship with Jana, she’d monopolised a lot of his time. He knows that it’s different for Robbe, that Sander is not only his current loving boyfriend but his first meaningful relationship. More than anything, he’s proof that Robbe can now truly be himself, and Jens has never seen his friend at peace the way he is with the blonde. Jens doesn’t think he’s ever felt that peace. He’d thought, maybe. But looking at Robbe and Sander, that isn’t like him and Jana. Even before their problems. 

So, he understands. If he had a Sander, he’d skip out on his friends every now and again, too. 

And it’s not like Robbe has completely ditched the Broerrrs, or Jens. He’s still their Robbe. Even when he does abandon them for Sander, on a lot of occasions both boys then end up joining them. It’s as nice for Sander to have them, Jens knows, as it is for Robbe. 

“Okay, fine,” he relents eventually. He shifts the textbook in his grasp and uses it to hit Aaron’s shoulder, causing the other two boys to look at him. “What about you two? Skatepark?”

“I can’t, man, Amber wants me to take her on a date,” Aaron shrugs. 

Jens rolls his eyes. That’s a subject he isn’t going to touch. That’s another new coupling he’s just had to accept. Amber doesn’t quite enjoy joining their outings the way Sander does, so it’s not quite as easy. “Okay. Moyo? You don’t have anyone to ditch me for, right?”

“Not in the gross, lovesick way these two do, but yes in that I need to go home and watch Izzy.” Moyo grimaces apologetically as Jens groans. “Sorry, man. You can take some of my stash with you if you want, though?”

Jens closes his eyes for a moment and lets out a breath. It’s fine, he tells himself. It would’ve been nice to hang out with his friends and take a break for a while, sure, but he also likes going by himself. He nods, accepting Moyo’s after, reminding himself to find him after school. He is, admittedly, running out of anything to smoke. He hasn’t been smoking as often lately. It doesn’t seem to have the same effect as usual, but it’s better than nothing. At the least, it might help him sleep, and it’s something he’s capable of doing on his own. He likes having time to be on his own and find some peace and let himself think. 

He’s been thinking too much, lately. 

“Hey.” 

The sudden voice startles them all. Jens looks around and immediately comes face to face with a smiling Jana, teeth on show and fringe perfectly straight. It’s a recent addition that Jens had noticed instantly, had stopped himself from asking about, had berated himself for paying too much attention to. It’s been almost two years since they broke up. Jens shouldn’t still be thrown by a new hairstyle. It’s none of his business. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. 

He notices Amber, Luca and Zoë with her, Amber sidling up to Aaron and placing a kiss on his cheek as Luca wrinkles her nose, making Zoë stifle a laugh. Before he can force out a response, Robbe is cheerfully greeting, “Hey,” and moving forward to accept Zoë’s kiss on the cheek. “Everything okay? Where’s Yasmina?”

“Last minute revision for a biology test,” Zoë says. “Don’t you have that too?”

Robbe raises a hand to his face and curses, and Jens laughs at him as Zoë ‘aw’s apologetically, biting back her own amusement. Robbe flips Jens off with a sigh and turns back to Zoë, shaking his head. “And what did you all want then?”

“We’re just here to pass on information, as usual,” Zoë shrugs. 

“Good information?” Jens raises a brow. 

“Party on Friday,” Luca shrugs, clapping her hands. “Very rare event.”

Robbe giggles quietly and Jens smiles, shaking his head. “Whose party?”

The girls share a look before Jana eventually says, “Luka’s.”

Jens very purposefully does not stiffen or scoff. He doesn’t roll his eyes. He doesn’t do anything that would indicate the pure discomfort and distaste that swims through him at just the sound of the name, right out of Jana’s mouth. He doesn’t care. It’s not his place to care.

They’re all looking at him anyway. 

He raises a brow. “So...when is it?”

“Ah,” Jana blinks, then looks at Zoë where she stands under Robbe’s arm. 

“Senne and I usually show up a little after ten and it’s already in full swing,” she shrugs. Then she smiles, reaching up to pinch Robbe’s cheek. “Of course Sander is welcome too.”

“Of course Sander’s welcome, they like Sander more than us,” Moyo rolls his eyes. “Seriously Robbe, you could’ve gotten your boyfriend a lot earlier and we might’ve actually been popular.”

Robbe protests, “Sander only talks to Senne and he’s interacted with Luka like, once.”

“And he instantly fell in love,” Aaron adds dramatically, hugging Amber to his chest and making her laugh. 

“Hard not to, with that hair,” Jana nods.

Jens heaves a sigh, fanning himself as he says, “And that everything else.”

They laugh as Robbe shoves him again, almost sending his textbook tumbling to the floor. Jana reaches out to steady it amidst her giggles and keeps her easy smile when she meets Jens’s gaze. It makes it easy for him to return it. It used to be so easy, with Jana. He’s trying to get there again. He’s really really trying. 

Luca eventually interrupts to ask, “So, everyone’s coming then?”

“Yeah, of course,” Robbe smiles, and that’s that, because they aren’t going to say no to Robbe. 

“Nice.” Luca grins, already turning to ask Amber, “Who else have we left to invite?”

“You have friends other than us?” Moyo teases, fake-shocked. Luca flips him off and otherwise doesn’t respond. 

“We still have to invite Noor and Britt, and Lucas maybe?”

“Definitely,” Luca nods, grin returning. “Come on then, let’s go see if we can find them if we take the long route.” 

Amber pecks Aaron’s cheek and asks, “Are we still on for after?” She waits for Aaron’s affirmation before shooting them a bright smile and heading off after Luca. With a pat to Robbe’s arm from Zoë and a little wave from Jana, they follow. 

Moyo instantly turns his attention to Jens. “Since when is she back with Luka?”

Jens purses his lips, shaking his head as he shrugs. “Since at least that party at the weekend I guess. Why should I know? It’s probably not what she’d tell me about if she was talking to me anyway.”

Moyo raises his hands apologetically and turns back to his earlier conversation with Aaron. Robbe takes the opportunity to turn back to Jens, gaze vaguely inquisitive. “I thought you and Jana had been talking more again. I knew there was kind of a bump there for a while over the summer but it wasn’t a big deal, right?”

“Yeah, we have. Nothing’s wrong with Jana. That doesn’t mean I have to know everything that’s going on with her.”

“I know that, Jens,” Robbe says gently. He does that even more than he used to, now. Employ that soft-spoken tone, and use it to probe and question in a way that’s subtle and non-pushy. “And you know it’s okay to still be upset by it?”

The late bell rings and Jens once again pushes himself away from the locker, hiking his bag further up his shoulder. “There’s nothing to be upset about,” he shrugs. “I can’t be any later, I’m already behind in this class. Text me if you can come to the park, okay?”

He barely gives Robbe time to nod before starting off down the hallway, closing his eyes briefly as the pounding returns to his temples and makes his ears ring. He’s brushing Robbe off, yes, but he also means it. There’s nothing to be upset about. Jana dating someone now has nothing to do with him. He’s had time to get well over that and move on. She can date or hook up with whoever she wants. Sure, it’d probably be better if it _wasn’t_ Luka, but Jens has no say in the matter. It has nothing to do with him, so he has no reason to be upset. Not about Jana. 

He just kind of misses having someone as his. He just kind of wants someone to talk to who doesn’t have their own partner as their number one. Who actually wants to listen and talk to him. Someone who isn’t Moyo, who just wants to smoke with him most of the time, or Robbe, who always has Sander in the back of his mind, or Jana, who was obviously right about being better without Jens. He just kind of wants to talk to someone _like him_ , is what he understands he’s feeling, even though he isn’t sure what that means. He isn’t sure what he’s like. 

He just feels a little left out right now, is all. A little behind. 

He’s just a little stuck. 

**_Thursday, 20:18_ **

Yesterday, 14:12

**_amberxje:** _Hey Lucas, it’s Amber! I was trying to find you at school but I left it too late before class and you must have went home straight away. But there’s a party on Friday night that I wanted to invite you to. It’s technically a college party, but we’re very close to those hosting it, and I think it’d be lovely if you come! It’s a great way to meet new people :)_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _oh that sounds cool, thank you!_

Today, 20:18

**_amberxje:** _Sent a location._

_hope you can come!_

**_Friday, 19:24_ **

**Song: _Miss Benny - Rendezvous_**

Lucas sits alone at the table, an empty dinner plate in front of him, when he hears the door open and footsteps make their way down the hall. He stands up and is in the process of dumping his plate in the sink when his father comes into the kitchen. He smiles tiredly at Lucas as he deposits his keys on the counter, shrugging off his blazer and laying it over the back of a chair. “Hey, kiddo, sorry I’m late.”

Lucas bristles, but doesn’t pause in his process of turning the tap on and beginning to rinse off his dishes. He purses his lips and says, “I left your food in the oven to keep it warm but I don’t think that works for almost two hours, so you should probably reheat it.”

Lucas wouldn’t consider himself rude. He can maintain a quiet anger, hold onto a grudge, be relatively ruthless if the situation requires it, but he isn’t rude. For the majority of people he meets, he can portray a simple politeness, can keep himself in check. He considers himself relatively patient. He can bide his time and hold his tongue. 

Except for when it comes to Hugo Van Der Heijden. 

When it comes to his father, Lucas has very little patience, and is even worse at holding his tongue. 

He rolls his eyes now as the man thanks him, grateful that he isn’t facing him, and scrubs harder at the plate in his hands. Hugo moves his dinner from the oven to the microwave as Lucas sets his plate aside and shakes out his hands, wiping them with a towel before heading for the door. 

His dad calling his name stops him, and he sends a tired glance to the ceiling before turning around. Hugo has sat himself at the table. His expression is a complicated mix of exhaustion and apology as he gestures at the chair across from him. “Really, Lucas, I’m sorry I’m late. I know I promised we’d have dinner today. Can you just sit down with me for, five minutes? Tell me what school is like?”

Lucas considers him for a moment, then lets out a breath through his nose. He sits at the table and watches his dad smile. 

“So, how have you been doing? Have you made any friends yet?”

Lucas swallows. He thinks of all the time he’s spent under that one oak tree in a quiet corner of the yard to eat his lunch, or the back table in the library, or the basement bathrooms. He’s spoken to a few people in his classes, to ask about the topics he’d missed and take a few photos of notes to copy. A few people have struck up conversations with him in the minutes before a class starts, or as they stand at their locker a few columns away from Lucas. Lucas has learnt a few faces and fewer names but he hasn’t really made any _friends_. 

“I’m still getting to know people,” he says simply. 

His dad nods, hopping up to collect his plate when the microwave beeps. Lucas passes him the knife and fork he’d left out earlier and is rewarded with another smile and thanks. “And, do you like any of these people? Any pretty girls in your classes?”

Lucas bristles again. He can’t help it. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t his dad’s fault, that he just doesn’t _know_. But it shouldn’t matter. He shouldn’t assume. Lucas is tired of everyone assuming. He’s tired of everything in his life being decided for him. He’s tired of his dad being at the center of it. “No, everyone’s hideous, I have no idea why you brought me here.”

Hugo huffs tiredly. “Okay, point taken, we don’t talk about crushes. What are your teachers like, then?”

“They’re fine. They teach.”

“And you’re finding your studies okay? You haven’t been left behind in anything?” 

“They’re fine.”

Hugo sighs and sets his utensils down, rubbing a hand over his face. Lucas tenses his shoulders in preparation for the lecture he’s surely about to get. “I know it’s not ideal, Lucas. I understand that you’re probably upset with me. But eventually you’ll understand I’m only trying to do what’s best.”

Lucas can’t bite back his scoff. “So leaving Mom, dragging me away from all my friends, making me move school after I’ve just started my last year, that’s what’s best?”

“What else would you have wanted me to do, Lucas? You know your mother isn’t in a position to take care of you right now.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Son, you’re seventeen.”

“So? You can be mature at seventeen. What do I have to do? Cook, clean up, do the washing. Everything that I do here anyway. I could’ve moved in with Liv and Jayden. One of their roommates moved out to go to college anyway.”

Hugo gives another tired huff, shaking his head. “You want to convince me you’re mature enough to take care of yourself by acting out and suggesting moving in with _Jayden_?”

“Acting out? How am I acting out?” Lucas bursts, sitting up in his seat. “I get up and I go to school and I come home and make your fucking dinner. How would you even know if I was acting out when you’re never even here? How is it any different to what it’d be like if you’d just let me stay with Mom?”

“If you were staying with your mother right now, you really would drive her crazy,” Hugo snaps back. 

Lucas freezes. 

They’ve had this argument so many times. They’ve never taken it there before. 

Hugo seems to instantly regret his words, dropping his hand to reach across the table, towards Lucas. Lucas flinches away from him, pushing his chair back. “Luc,” his dad says gently, “I didn’t mean—“

“I know what you meant,” Lucas cuts him off. “And if I’m so much of a problem for you, I really don’t understand why you want me here.”

His father looks pained. “Lucas, stop. Let’s talk about this properly.”

“I think we’ve talked enough.” Lucas pushes himself to his feet and is surprised at how unsteady he feels. He hadn’t realised his hands were shaking. He curls them into fists in an attempt to stop their trembles and alleviate some of the pressure in his chest. Maybe if he applies pressure somewhere else, it won’t feel so overwhelming. It won’t make him feel like he’s drowning. 

“Son, sit down. If you want to prove you’re mature then—“

“Fuck you,” Lucas spits. “Just—enough. I hate you for leaving her. I hate you for taking me with you. I hate you.”

Hugo slumps. “Lucas—“

Lucas doesn’t wait around to hear anymore. He rushes down the hallway to his room and slams and locks the door behind him. He leans against it, banging his head lightly back against the wood as he squeezes his eyes shut. He sucks in a breath and it comes out ragged, choked with emotion and wet with held-back tears. He digs the heels of his hands into his eyes and tries to bring his breathing under control, doing the exercises Liv had taught him long ago. _In for four, hold for four, out for four. Your mind is a stream. Set your unwanted thoughts on the leaves drifting past. Let them go. Keep moving on._

It doesn’t do much, at least in regards to his thoughts. There are too many of them to sort through and watch pass, all unwanted, all overwhelming. His breathing is still uneven. He sits on the floor in front of his bed and drops his head between his knees, locking his hands behind it. 

He focuses on the breathing part of his mantra until his lungs are cooperating again, then lifts his head enough to hide his face in his hands. He’s horrified to realise the tops of his cheeks are wet, where a few tears have slipped out unnoticed. He knows it’s just the anxiety, the lack of breath, that forced them out, but there’s nothing he hates more than crying. 

He quickly wipes the dampness away as he tries to sort himself out. He wants to believe his father didn’t mean it like that, wasn’t placing Lucas as responsible for any of it, but it’s difficult. It’s always been a niggling thought in his mind, that automatic, self-centered response that let him believe in his childhood years that his mother’s illness was somehow his fault. It’s hard not to think of it as a possibility, when it only seemed to manifest a few years after he was born and escalated in his early teens. 

Regardless of whether he should feel any guilt or not, he’s always done his best to make things easier, for her. He’s always tried to make sure she didn’t have to worry about him. 

His dad had always been the one to tell him to give himself a break, to loosen up a bit and let himself go. Adamant that his mother wasn’t Lucas’s responsibility. That she was a fully grown adult, capable of taking care of herself, with a fully dedicated husband to be there when she couldn’t. 

Only, Hugo turned out to be the one to not want the responsibility. To be overwhelmed. To abandon. 

Even now, Lucas thinks he should have fought more. That if he’d just been more persistent, he wouldn’t have been forced to leave. He could have stayed and taken care of her. Or at least, he could be there to make sure she wasn’t alone. 

Only, that wasn’t even his plan. He’d wanted to take it as the perfect excuse to move into the flatshare with his friends. His thoughts had been solely focused on himself, and what he would do if he was ripped away from his home and his school and his friends. What he would do if he had to stay and could barely buy himself food, and if he would be mocked now for being the kid with the crazy mother. 

He’d hated himself for the thought then, and he’s constantly trying to make up for it now. It’s something Kes had always told him. That your first thought is only an automatic response—what you’ve been doctored to think. It’s the thought that comes after that matters—the realisation that the initial reaction was wrong, once you’ve had a chance to form your own opinion. Lucas had appreciated it the first time Kes told him that. He had, and still has, many of those ingrained thought processes. The idea that it’s simply an impulse reaction makes him feel like less of a bad person. He’s only bad initially because of society’s influence. It makes sense that he’d looked at his mother in the middle of her episode and thought ‘crazy’. It’s what he’d been programmed to think. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad son. It doesn’t mean it was fair for him to be taken away. 

It isn’t fair. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t. 

Does he?

He thinks about calling Kes, now. Now that his chest no longer feels trapped in a vice grip, now that his mind has mostly stopped racing, now that his stomach isn’t heaving. He thinks calling Kes might actually make him feel worse. Not only will it remind him of how much he misses him, it’ll drive him crazy with the support. Because Kes will always support him and comfort him and right now, Lucas wants it too much and isn’t deserving enough. 

Besides, it’s a Friday evening. Night, really, by this stage. Kes is probably out having fun. With Jayden, maybe, or Isa, or a whole group. He isn’t going to want to babysit Lucas. Lucas doesn’t want to ruin his night. 

It’s a Friday night. _He_ should be out having fun. Partying. With friends he doesn’t have. 

He slips his phone out of his pocket and opens Instagram, navigating to his messages. He taps on one of his older conversations, looking at the message he got on Wednesday afternoon. 

_**_amberxje:** Hey Lucas, it’s Amber! I was trying to find you at school but I left it too late before class and you must have went home straight away. But there’s a party on Friday night that I wanted to invite you to. It’s technically a college party, but we’re very close to those hosting it, and I think it’d be lovely if you come! It’s a great way to meet new people :)_

It was more than probably necessary, but maybe less than Lucas had expected. Amber had seemed like a talkative girl. While Lucas doesn’t really do talkative, he was glad of it that first day and he’s glad of it now. Amber has already sent him the address. 

He’ll wait until his dad disappears to his room, usually sometime after nine, and then he’ll quietly head out. 

A party might just be the best way to take his mind off of things. 

**_Friday, 22:38_ **

**Song: _Stormzy - Own It_**

This time, with the sitting room packed, the boys have found themselves hiding out in the kitchen. The music isn’t as loud in here, more of a background noise, and Jens is somewhat grateful and somewhat disappointed. There’s nothing to drown out Robbe’s giggles, muffled in Sander’s shoulder as the blonde whispers in his ear. Moyo and Aaron’s constant back-and-forth is a noisy stream next to him. He feels, as is becoming usual, separated from it all. He feels like he doesn’t really want to be here. He feels like leaving wouldn’t be a great look for him. 

He can just imagine Luka’s face. 

Instead he sighs and downs whatever mixture’s in his cup, some mess of alcohol Senne had passed him earlier with a pat to the shoulder. Knowing, pitying, irritating. 

The thing is, Jens really doesn’t care. About Luka, or Jana, or Luka and Jana together. So maybe he’s a little confused by it, can’t quite understand why Jana would go back to him yet again, considering his severe lack of any likability, but he doesn’t care. Not anymore. He’s spent too long caring and hurting already. 

He’s with his friends, and he’s having fun, and he doesn’t care.

“Hey man, you with us?” Moyo elbows him gently in the side, turning to stand in front of him with a furrowed brow. 

Jens offers a smile. “Yeah, just tired listening to your constant bitching.” 

Moyo makes a noise of protest that has Jens’s smile feeling a little more real. It’s easy to feel normal, like this. He can fall into their banter and jibes, watch their drunken ideas play out, and settle into a feeling of ease and familiarity. Here, with the various disco lamps setting everything in a fire-coloured glow and everyone’s eyes foggy and glazed, Jens lets himself feel a little more comfortable. 

The place is already so full of the scent of weed and something else Jens can’t identify that he doesn’t even feel like he needs to smoke. He feels lightheaded just breathing in the smell and constantly trying to get his eyes to adjust. There’s minimal alcohol in his system, compared to the usual, and he’s quite happy to just balance on this buzz. 

Until Aaron says, “You have to admit, Luka has a pretty good house for a party.”

Robbe breaks away from Sander long enough to look around, then look at them, sparing an especially furtive glance at Jens. “I mean it’s not Senne’s, but…”

“But it’s even better because here we don’t care about leaving a mess for him to clean up,” Sander completes. Jens can’t help but grin at him, even as Robbe rolls his eyes and pointedly takes the cup out of his boyfriend’s hand. Sander just snorts and leans down to give him another short kiss. 

Jens shakes his head and turns back to his other friends, focusing in on Aaron. “Hey, have you even seen your girlfriend yet? Weren’t they the ones who invited us?”

“I saw her for a minute earlier but she was with Luca.”

Jens raises a brow. “And?” 

“And he’s scared of her,” Moyo laughs. 

“I’m not scared of her,” Aaron denies quickly. “She just always makes fun of me.” 

Moyo laughs harder as Jens joins in, giving Aaron a single, comforting pat on the shoulder. He’d been more surprised about Aaron’s luck with Amber than with Robbe and Sander’s relationship, and it’s something that still confuses him now. Quite honestly, he hadn’t expected it to work out and last as long as it has. He’s happy for Aaron, though. He just hopes he understands how lucky he is. 

Which, with Aaron, is sometimes hard to tell. 

“Okay, but, she’s hot.” He points at some girl across the room now, looking at Moyo for approval. Moyo simply shakes his head. “Man, come on, what’s not to like? This is worse than trying to find a girl for Robbe.”

Sander hums. “I wonder why that was so difficult.”

Jens smiles as Robbe flushes and punches his boyfriend’s chest, saved by Moyo speaking up again. “Dude, I’m saying no because I’m like ninety-nine percent sure she has a boyfriend.”

Aaron furrows his brow and looks at the girl again. “Really?”

“Really,” Moyo laughs. “Why does that surprise you? You were just talking about how hot she is.”

Aaron purses his lips. “Are you sure though? Maybe we should ask her.”

“No, no way, you’re not asking her. There is absolutely no way letting you go creep her out would help me.”

“Okay, so you do it.”

“Aaron, man, I’ve already told you. Don’t you trust me?” 

Aaron narrows his eyes at him. Jens watches the entire interaction with a sort of detached amusement. He’s just glad no one is trying to set him up for once. Like Moyo said—letting them creep someone out isn’t the kind of help he needs. Aaron eventually relents, but immediately turns his hopeful gaze to another group. “What about her then?”

Jens huffs, shaking his head as Moyo lets out a groan before letting his attention wander. He appreciates the familiarity, in a way, the repetitiveness, how it’s all exactly what he expects. It’s easy. It means he can let himself drift and still drop naturally back into the conversation. 

His attention doesn’t go far. He only looks as far as the doorway before familiar faces catch his gaze, and he’s tuning back in to nudge Aaron in the side. “There she is now.”

Aaron follows his gaze and perks up instantly at the sight of Amber, dress knee-length and pink and two locks of her hair pulled back at the sides. She finds them almost instantly and smiles brightly, making her way over to greet Aaron with a kiss. Jens ignores them in favour of watching the group she’d left behind, partly made up of Zoë and Senne. Luca, however, is accompanied by an unfamiliar face. The first thing he notes is the denim jacket, unusual for the sweaty, tightly-packed atmosphere, but oddly fitting for the boy wearing it. There’s a mop of curls on his head, much tidier and closer cut than Aaron’s, and his features are boyish but sharp. 

Something about him makes Jens pause. A punch in his gut that turns into a tug; like a hit of familiarity, followed by the urge to get a closer look. 

The pulse of the music is making his heart pound. The boy smiles, setting his hand on Luca’s shoulder as he ducks down to say something in her ear. 

Then he’s gone. 

Jens takes an unconscious step forward, shifting up onto his toes to search over the heads of the crowd in the hallway, trying to catch a glimpse of that blue jacket. His throat closes up, the air sucked away from him, and then Robbe’s hand is coming to settle on his shoulder and he snaps back to reality. 

He looks over at his friend as Robbe shoots a concerned glance up at him. Sander wears a similar expression, arms still wrapped around the smaller boy but eyes on Jens. “You okay, Jens?” Robbe asks. 

“Yeah, sorry.” He notices Moyo has abandoned his side and been replaced with Amber, and he flits his gaze around until he finds his friend, leaning against the far wall and talking to a girl Jens doesn’t recognise. He gestures in their general direction before fixing a smile on his face. “I’m just watching this train wreck.” 

Robbe and Sander follow his gaze and Robbe gives a small giggle. Sander simply shakes his head. “You have so little faith in him.”

“When have you ever seen him hook up with anyone, ever?” Jens points out, raising a brow. 

Sander acquiesces with a shrug and a simple, “I haven’t known him that long.”

Robbe pats his chest and doesn’t bother pointing out that a year is pretty long. “You don’t have to. You didn’t miss anything.” He turns his gaze back to Jens. “We’re gonna go get some air. Do you want to come with?”

Jens considers it, then looks towards the hallway again. He shakes his head. “Nah, I’m good. Better stay here in case Moyo needs consolation.”

Robbe’s lips twist up in a smile, and he shakes his head. Sander steps back and gives his hand a tug, and Robbe squeezes Jens’s arm as he moves away. “We’ll be back soon.”

Jens just gives him a tiny, mock salute in response. He doesn’t expect them back anytime soon. He expects to have to go searching for them at the end of the party and just hope they aren’t in too much of a compromising position. It’s best, Jens has discovered, to leave them be in such situations. He spares a glance at Moyo, still wrapped up in conversation in the mystery girl, not making a move beyond the hand gestures as he speaks, but not getting turned away. Jens allows a brief smile before turning to look at Aaron, who’s now locked in an intense lip-war with Amber. Jens purses his lips tightly and then reaches over Amber to tap him on the shoulder. Aaron only opens his eyes long enough for Jens to point his thumb over his shoulder and gesture towards the hallway. Aaron lifts a hand off Amber’s waist to give him a thumbs up and then immediately goes back to ignoring him. 

Jens slinks out into the hallway. 

There are more people here than there had been in the kitchen. Some have found make-out spots against the wall, some are simply talking to their friends, and others are just passing through. Plastic cups and broken pieces of crisps litter the floor, and Jens grimaces as he steps on a particularly sticky spot. He drags his foot up and moves on, covering his mouth as a yawn escapes him. 

The doors all along the hallway are shut, and he briefly wonders if Jana is behind any of them with Luka. He doesn’t even know where Luka’s room is, thinks it’s probably upstairs, and guesses that’s where they’ve disappeared to. He wonders if Denim Jacket Boy is behind any of them. 

He tries the door at the end of the hall, on the right. Locked. He makes a face and then crosses the carpet, hesitantly trying the door on the left side. The handle catches, the door swinging open with ease, and he finds himself looking into the bathroom. 

Where Denim Jacket Boy is sitting alone, sprawled across the width of the bathtub with his legs hanging over the edge and a beer bottle hanging from his grip. 

He looks back at Jens and blinks. 

Jens finds himself smiling. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was looking for him, or just looking to get away. Either way, he’s happy with where he’s ended up. He raises a brow with his hand still on the door handle, only half his body through the opening. “Hey, sorry. I’m guessing you disappeared in here for a breather, but do you mind if I join you?”

The boy blinks at him again before shaking his head and gesturing to the empty side of the tub. “No, feel free.” 

His voice is another addition to Jens’s notes, and he repeats it in his head as he steps inside and closes the door. He instantly recognises the Dutch accent, like Milan’s, like Noor’s, but entirely different. Deeper. Fitting. That tug returns to Jens’s stomach, curious and interested, and he follows it to the bathtub. 

It’s not as big as he’d originally thought, or maybe they just take up more space than he expected, but he ends up in close quarters. When he settles, there’s only about a foot of space between them. It means he can get a much better look at the boy, without distance and strobe vision and people in the way. It doesn’t matter that the light in the bathroom is shitty—probably covered in grime and occasionally flickering—with how close he is, and how bright the boy’s eyes are. Jens can pick out the shiny blue shade of them easily, brightened further by his jacket, which looks looser than Jens had originally thought. There’s also a tiny mole on his forehead, on the side unobscured by his hair, which is swept over with what Jens assumes is meticulous care. There’s another, then, just above his lip. 

It’s when he reaches those blue eyes again that he realises he’s been staring. 

The other boy doesn’t seem like he minds, turning his head to Jens with a smile, and it leaves Jens feeling safe enough to hold his hand out between them. “Jens.”

The boy takes his hand, fingers sliding over skin before wrapping around it in a firm grip. His hands seem a tiny bit smaller than Jens’s, fingers similarly long and slim with prominent knuckles. Pretty, as far as hands go. “Lucas.”

_Lucas._

Jens squeezes Lucas’s hand briefly before letting it drop. Then his hand feels empty, so he curves it over his knee and rubs his fingertips over the fabric of his jeans, skimming over a thread and pausing to pick at it. He makes a mock-confused expression. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before, Lucas.”

“What, you don’t usually frequent this bathroom?” 

He raises a brow. Jens’s lips curl up in a smile. He suddenly regrets leaving his drink behind. He’d like something to do with his mouth. To give him an excuse to take a moment's pause and think up a witty response. 

Instead, the best he can do is, “See, that’s the strangest part. This is kinda my special bathroom, and you’ve definitely never busted in here before.”

Lucas’s laugh is barely there, but Jens witnesses it. It’s a bubble of elation in Jens’s own chest. Lucas tilts his head back against the wall and continues looking at him. “In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not from here. I moved here from Utrecht about a week ago.”

Utrecht. That makes sense. Jens nods while letting his smile morph into a smirk. “Okay, Utrecht, so now I get why you’re hiding out in the bathroom. Tip for you, though?” 

Lucas’s brow furrows and he nods. 

“Unless you’re looking to freak out some poor girl dying for a piss, lock the door next time.”

Lucas’s jaw moves like he’s swallowing down another laugh. He’s smiling, though, as he says, “See, that’s the strangest part. I left it open so some poor guy would come in and take pity on me.”

Jens is only a little surprised that he’s the one who ends up laughing. He’s only a little surprised by his whole situation. He hadn’t imagined this at the start of the night—sitting in a bathtub in Luka’s house with a stranger and feeling oddly at peace. His hand has stilled on his knee for what feels like the first time this week. 

Somewhere amidst his laughter, Lucas had joined him. The hook tugging at Jens’s stomach earlier floats up into his chest and catches, making his next breath falter. He isn’t even laughing at the joke anymore. He’s just smiling at a stranger. 

He’s thinking, _he’s prettier up close_. 

Then he’s thinking, _what the hell am I thinking?_

“You can’t tell me you’ve never ditched a party for a bathtub break before,” Lucas says, sounding truly scandalized. Jens is still smiling. He can’t quite manage to wipe it off his face. 

He thinks it’s at this moment that he decides he wants Lucas as his friend. 

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I definitely have.” Just a week ago, he had. But he doesn’t really want to tell that story. “My friends and I take over the bathroom on occasion.”

“Mine, too. Usually to smoke, though. Except I’m never the one with the goods and they aren’t here, so.”

Jens decides this is a good route to friendship. He lifts his hips and reaches into his back pocket, ignoring Lucas’s confused look until he produces a blunt. He flicks his brows up in question; Lucas grins in answer. Jens digs a lighter out of the pocket of his jacket and starts them off, taking a slow drag before passing the torch to Lucas. When he sets it to his lips, Jens asks, “You miss them?”

Lucas looks over at him and hums. He parts his lips and smoke billows up around his face, momentarily turning one of his eyes into a wispy gray. 

Jens clears his throat. “Your friends. I take it they didn’t move from Utrecht with you.”

“No,” Lucas sighs. “No, they didn’t. And I didn’t actually realise how much work it is to make friends until I got here. I’ve had them for a long time.”

Jens understands. He isn’t sure what he’d do, if he had to move away and leave Robbe behind. Moyo and Aaron as well, but mostly Robbe. He feels like he’s never had to experience life without him. If Lucas’s friendships are similar, he can only imagine the ache in his chest. He doesn’t buy the entirely lonely act, however, remembering that he’d first seen him with Luca and that they’d seemed friendly enough. He doesn’t really want to mention that, though. He isn’t sure if that’s going to make him seem weird. He doesn’t really want Lucas to think he’d followed him like some creep, when he isn’t even really sure if that’s what he was doing. 

Jens tilts to the side enough to bump Lucas’s shoulder with his own. “It is true you’re not the best at it. I am doing most of the work here.”

Lucas’s look this time is one of genuine offense. He only lets out a slight laugh when Jens’s lips twitch in a smile, shoving him away again. “Fuck you.”

“See? Throwing insults around and everything.” Jens shakes his head, grinning wider. 

Lucas takes another pull of the blunt in retaliation. He keeps his face turned towards Jens, exaggeratedly blowing the smoke out towards him. 

Jens shuts his eyes and lets his nose scrunch. “Very mature.”

“Mmhm, I thought so.” 

Jens opens his eyes and is surprised to find the other boy as close as he is, even though he hasn’t moved. The blue of his eyes is less shiny than it had been when Jens came in. Calmer, and also more awake. He’s smiling easily as he looks at Jens, and a lone curl has swung loose to dangle at the opposite side of his forehead, obscuring that mole. Jens lets his eyes linger on it as Lucas passes the blunt back. He’s searching for something else to say, but he finds he doesn’t really mind the silence, either. It’s companionable. They don’t know each other, but Jens feels they’re similar. 

They’re the only two who ended up in a bathtub at a party, so Jens supposes that’s saying something. 

Lucas looks as if he’s about to say something else, until his gaze snaps away as the door opens. Luca stands in the entrance, and she takes the two of them in with a grievous sigh. She directs her attention to Jens specifically before speaking. “Of course you got to him.”

Jens raises a brow as Lucas laughs quietly beside him. “And apparently you’re the one who gave me the perfect opportunity. You can’t leave the new foal on his own at a big college party, Luca. You’re welcome, that I got to him before someone else did.”

Luca raises a brow back. “Like who? Luka?”

“A great example,” Jens nods, pointing at her. 

“Luca? What are you doing?” 

Jana appears in the doorway next to her friend, peering over her shoulder until her eyes light on them. Jens sits up straighter subconsciously, offering her a smile as her gaze softens. She slips in past Luca as her eyes shift to Lucas, her lips pulling up in a friendly smile. “Hi. Lucas, right? I don’t think we met properly before.”

Jens turns back to the boy next to him, catching his gaze for a split second as he in turn looks to Jana. His smile is downright charming. “Yeah, Lucas.” He holds his hand out, and Jana steps in until she can take it, shaking gently. 

“Jana,” she introduces. She offers another smile before turning back to Luca. “Amber sent me looking for you. I think her mom texted her about something?” 

Luca sighs again but nods, before pointing a warning finger at Jens. “Okay. I’m believing you’re the most trustworthy one. Don’t corrupt him while I’m gone.” 

Jens offers her a sarcastic smile and a thumbs up. She points two fingers towards her own eyes and then Jens, and then she’s disappearing down the hallway. 

Jana shakes her head after her and smiles, before turning back to them and catching sight of the bottle still in Lucas’s grip. “Oh, do you mind if I have a sip? I haven’t had anything to drink since I got here.”

Jens’s jaw tightens as Lucas laughs and holds the bottle out to her. “Sure.” 

Jana’s smile is bright and familiar, and Jens is only mildly surprised when she doesn’t simply take the bottle. Instead she closes the rest of the distance and climbs into the small space between them, settling down with all three of their shoulders pressed together. Lucas doesn’t react, either, except for a smile as Jana takes the bottle with a pleased ‘thank you’. 

He catches Jens’s eyes briefly over the girl’s head and smiles. Jens turns his gaze to the wall and takes another puff. He thinks how, not even two years ago, he would never have dreamed of doing so with Jana next to him. Now, she doesn’t even flinch. He’s sure with Luka, she’s gotten used to it. 

He crushes down the scorn building up in his chest just as light fingers brush the back of his hand. He whips around to see Lucas’s questioning look, hand held out for the joint. He passes it to him and completely ignores the unnatural reaction his body has to Lucas’s responding smile. 

Jana catches his gaze and smiles, too, and Jens focuses his eyes firmly on the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for the kudos and comments on the last chapter! please let me know what you think of this too? :)

**_Saturday, 14:29_ **

**Song:** **_The 1975 - Fallingforyou_ **

After sneaking back in in the middle of the night, Lucas has spent the day hiding out in his room. The apartment has been relatively silent. There had been footsteps earlier, doors opening and closing, the bang of the kitchen cupboards, and then more silence. For those few brief moments, Lucas had half expected knocks on his door, his father there to greet him with a lecture and a punishment he wouldn’t be around to undertake. 

He’d considered not coming back, crashing at the party like he’d seen many of the other attendees doing. It had seemed at once a safer alternative and the best way to piss his father off more. It had been tempting—extra tempting when he had someone to share a considerable amount of that time with.

His lips tug up involuntarily at the corners. 

_Jens._

Lucas hadn’t really expected to meet anyone at the party. Not anyone who really captured his attention, not anyone he could actually possibly become friends with. Amber had told him it was a college party, after all, and he’d been surprised to see so many faces he recognised. 

Jens included. 

He’d seen him just once, on his very first day. The dark haired boy had only been a flicker in the corner of his eye as he spoke to Amber and Luca, but he’d made an impression. Only, Lucas hadn’t known his name then, and he would’ve felt ridiculous asking the girls. Of course he should have, though, because of course they knew him. Of course he was part of the group Luca had claimed he was too ‘cool’ for. As if Lucas is cool in any way. He has a hunch, however, that maybe Luca hasn’t looked far beyond...well, his _looks_. Which is flattering. And mildly anxiety-inducing. 

He also kind of assumes that they’d mostly been referring to his friends, because Jens himself might be the coolest person Lucas has ever met. Anyone willing to sit in a bathtub with _Lucas_ for hours definitely deserves some cool points. 

He’d been worried, a little, that Jens had only come in and stayed with him out of pity. He would’ve worried about it the whole time if it hadn’t felt so _easy_. Before they’d been interrupted, Lucas had felt perfectly at ease. It had been the most comfortable interaction he’s had since moving here. He’d forgotten about the whole incident with his father. It’s possible the weed and alcohol had helped in that department, but he’s betting they only added an extra pleasant haze. Jens was the true distraction, and what Lucas really needed in the moment. He’d wondered, very briefly, if that’s why he’d been so interested. Jens had seemed like a saving grace, appearing out of nowhere to pull Lucas out of the black hole he was letting himself sink into. He’d gone to the bathroom in the first place in an attempt to disappear. 

But Jens had seen him. 

So, he doesn’t think it matters that maybe he’s just feeling a little more desperate than usual. A little more lost. A lot more alone. It matters that Jens had appeared, and he’d seen him. It matters that Lucas found an instant comfort in him that he’d only ever found before in Kes. It matters that even after they’d been interrupted, and Jens had so many opportunities to leave, after Jana had even asked them if they wanted to rejoin the party, he’d chosen to stay with Lucas. 

What matters is that Lucas had been lonely, and lost, and in desperate need of a friend, and the universe had presented Jens. 

A moment’s hesitation is enough. Then he’s leaning over and collecting his phone from the bedside table. He’s been avoiding it all morning, telling himself to stop being ridiculous. But maybe he’s being more ridiculous ignoring the desire. He needs to try to make friends here, eventually. 

Hanging out in a bathtub for a few hours is as good an invitation for friendship as any, right? 

He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and tries to decide on the best course of action, staring at his home screen. Eventually, he opens Instagram. 

He doesn’t have a lot of information to go on. He can only type ‘Jens’ into the search bar. 

Thankfully, they already have a few mutuals, and Jens’s account isn’t private. 

Lucas is glad, because it means he doesn’t have the anxiety of having to follow him right away and then spend an endless amount of time waiting for Jens to accept him. If he even would accept him. Instead, he has complete freedom to stalk his profile. It’s not far from what he expects, though he’s a little surprised to see the majority of his posts are food based. Most focusing entirely on the food, some on Jens eating. He has more time to focus on him now, and more freedom. Outside the dim, grimy lighting of the bathroom and without the edge of a bathtub digging into his back. Without the worry of Jens catching him looking. 

There’s a conventional sort of attractiveness about him. Dark hair and chocolate eyes and smooth skin and sharp features. But he doesn’t play it up, the way Lucas expects. Half of his feed is food, and the rest is largely taken up by his friends. The same few boys appear over and over, and Lucas assumes this is his ‘group’, going way back to his early posts. He doesn’t focus all of the attention on himself—and when he does, it isn’t to make himself attractive. Lucas finds himself lingering on a few posts. A very artistic post of an egg. Jens seeming very comfortable with a lamp. With a keyboard in his lap. With his face stuck in a flower. Wrapped up like a burrito. In an elevator with his friends. There’s one, further down, that does fit the pretty boy aesthetic. A selfie of Jens in a red jacket, zipped up to his neck, gaze serious as he smolders at the camera. Lucas lingers on it the longest, a smile tugging at his lips. He shakes himself out of it and continues scrolling, finds a few more of these Jens-centered posts, and a few with Jana. Looking incredibly cosy. 

_Oh._

He supposes there had been an awkward kind of vibe, at the party, but it hadn’t seemed to come from Jana. An irrational part of Lucas had thought maybe there was an added tension, a heavier silence, because they’d been interrupted. He should have known he was the intruder. 

But then again, these posts are from 2018, and there hasn’t been any since. At least nothing as...intimate. Lucas takes that to mean the breakup was long ago; and yet, the photos are still there. 

At the very least, at least he knows Jens is straight. Which is fine. It’s what he expected. 

It would be dangerous of him to expect anything else. It feels dangerous to acknowledge the thought in the first place. It’s not something he should care about. It isn’t something he should wonder every time he meets someone new. 

It isn’t something he should wonder every time he looks in the mirror. 

It doesn’t stop him from scrolling through his feed again. Then again. His eyes always seem to catch on something new, to linger on something different, and at the very least, it’s keeping him occupied. It’s harmless. It’s also incredibly hard to miss all the ‘vlog’ posts, though Lucas checks every one for a link and finds none.

Until he thinks to check the boy’s bio and sits up straight on the bed. His thumb hovers over the link, debating. He decides there’s no way for Jens to know if he watches them or not, and he clicks on it. It takes a few moments for the page to load, the apartment’s WiFi slower than what he’s used to, but eventually he’s staring at the ‘Broerrrs’ channel with a small grin. He moves to the videos tab and finds there are more than he predicted. He glances at the time. _14:29._ It doesn’t matter anyway. He doesn’t have anything better to do. But this should give him a few hours even before his dad comes home. 

He scrolls to the bottom of the list and clicks on the first vlog. 

He finds himself with an almost instant smile on his face, and laughter is soon to follow. He doesn't know why he’s so surprised, at the beginning, to find that they’re genuinely funny, oddly likable. It takes him a few moments to remember their names, and less to categorise them. He dubs Robbe, at the beginning, the shy one of the group, until the videos progress and he finds him to be the somewhat hyper member of the trio, and yet notably sweet. Moyo is the creator, and seems every bit the leader, guiding his friends and keeping them on track and appearing overall the most invested and confident regarding their activities. Lucas doesn’t feel very confident in his conclusions. 

Mostly because, as much as he tries to, he can’t quite drag his attention off of Jens. 

Despite him possibly being the quietest member of the group, he seems to demand attention. Even when he’s hovering mostly out of frame, Lucas finds his eyes following him on the small screen. The first laugh is ripped out of him when Jens picks Robbe easily off the floor and holds him against the wall, looking as casual as ever. He’s surprised (but pleased) to find Jens so goofy in these instances, not as distantly ‘cool’ as Lucas had thought. It makes him appear even more approachable, even more likable, and Lucas should have known this was a bad idea. He finds himself, after just one video, desperately wanting to be part of this friend group. To be friends with Jens. 

By the time he’s on the fifth video, he’s a little distracted from dissecting their personalities, because all the focus is on Jens and really, who gave him the right to look like _that_ even with the most ridiculous makeup ever? Lucas cannot wipe the smile off his face. He feels ridiculous. 

He discovers Jens can’t dance (but Moyo certainly can), that their rapping skills are dubious but entertaining nonetheless, and that he feels the happiest he’s been since moving here, just watching them. He also discovers Jens does not have a talent for wakeboarding, but he looks very good while attempting it (and after abandoning it to ‘chill’). 

By the time he’s on the twelfth video and watching Jens run a keyboard over his hair, he realises he might have a slight problem. 

Everything Jens does, he watches, and with every passing second, his smile grows wider and wider. He has way too much interest in someone he’s only had one conversation with. He knows this. 

That doesn’t stop him from watching all the videos to the end, and returning to Jens’s profile to hit _follow_. 

Before going back to watch the makeup video just one more time. 

  
**_  
Sunday, 16:18_ **

**Song:** **_Alexander 23 - IDK You Yet_ **

_hey_

Jens types the letters and stares at it, thumbs hovering over the keys as he debates what else to add. He has written text after text for the past ten minutes, all too cheesy, all too little or too much, none worthy of hitting send. He could just send it as it is. Just say hey. That is how most conversations start, he supposes. It’s all he’d usually need to say. It’s one of his favourite words. It can encompass so much on its own. 

Yet, it doesn’t quite feel like enough for Lucas. 

It’s not enough to approach a stranger with. It feels odd to be attempting to approach a stranger at all. It feels odd that Lucas doesn’t feel like a stranger. 

They’d spent long enough together to pass the level of strangers, right? Jens knows enough about Lucas to at least be able to refer to him as an acquaintance. Plus, he’s technically a classmate. Not in any of Jens’s classes, sure, but a fellow member of his year group that he should have plenty of opportunities to interact with. It’s not weird for Jens to want to speak to him, and get to know him, and possibly make a new friend. Lucas definitely fits into the realm of criteria Jens usually looks for. Surpasses it, in fact. From their interaction at the party, Jens is pretty sure Lucas would be happy to find a friend in anyone. And he’d seemed comfortable enough with Jens. He’d followed Jens first, yesterday, and left him spending too long analysing every inch of his Instagram, after following back right away. 

He’d almost hoped that Lucas would also reach out to him first. When he hadn’t, Jens himself had tried. 

Yesterday had seemed too soon, though. It still doesn’t really mean anything, that Lucas had thought to seek him out. Jens has just made the point to himself that the other boy is obviously looking to make friends. He already follows both Amber and Luca, so Jens probably wasn’t that hard to find. It’s more than possible that Jens is just meant to stay an acquaintance, even. Lucas has made no effort to reach out. To show that he actually wants to _talk_ to him. 

Jens reasons, though, that maybe he’s just nervous about making the first move. Worried that Jens doesn’t really want to talk to _him_. 

Which is ridiculous, after that party. Jens could have happily talked to Lucas for days, and he didn’t really try to hide it. He’d stayed in that bathroom until Sander and Robbe had even gotten bored enough to seek him out, worried that he’d disappeared until Jana had told them of his whereabouts. 

Jens hadn’t minded, because Lucas was a few minutes gone by then, anyway. 

He hadn’t known if Lucas would find him. He hadn’t really expected him to look. They hadn’t thought to share any usernames or contacts, and Jens had regretted it instantly. He’d felt something very close to relief when he’d seen Lucas had followed him. Relief and disbelief. In an overwhelmingly happy sort of way. 

He’d stupidly smiled at his phone for an hour, following Lucas back and scrolling through his posts and liking every single one. 

So really, Lucas would have taken the hint. He knows Jens is willing to talk to him, and he hadn’t reached out. Jens should just leave it. Or if he’s going to do it, he should just send ‘hey’ and stop overthinking it. Lucas obviously isn’t going to care _that_ much. He stares at it for another moment, thumb hovering over send. 

He quickly backs out as his door bangs open and startles him into a sitting position, only to find Lotte in the doorway. 

He heaves a sigh. “Lotte, what did we say about knocking?”

She gives him a sheepish smile and a little shrug. “No one ever knocks when they come to my room.”

“ _I_ do.”

She blinks innocently at him. 

He sighs again. “What do you want?”

“There’s no food left for Nugget.”

Jens frowns. “Why didn’t you tell Mom or Dad when it was getting low?”

“I did tell Dad. I thought he got more. But there’s none left.”

Jens rubs a hand over his face and swallows down the sudden wave of exasperation. He’s annoyed that it doesn’t surprise him. He’s annoyed that he’s going to have to take care of it and stop tormenting himself over this message.

Just as he’s thinking about it, his phone buzzes. He jolts, whipping his head down to look at it, heart beating a mile a minute. He knows it’s ridiculous, even before he looks at it, but he can’t help but hope. 

_Low battery._

He holds back another sigh. 

“Who are you texting?” 

He jolts again at the realisation that Lotte has made it to his side and is peering over his shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of his phone screen. The screen that is still open to Lucas’s Instagram messages. He locks the phone quickly and drops it into his lap, lightly pushing his sister away. “No one. Don’t be nosy.”

She gives him a suspicious look. “My friend says no one always means someone special. Did you get a new girlfriend?”

Jens snorts, reaching up to tug fondly at a lock of her hair. “Your friends are nine and shouldn’t even know what boyfriends and girlfriends are.”

Lotte bats his hand away and sticks her tongue out at him. She’s still giving him that same look.

“Seriously, I’m not texting anyone. I just have a low battery.”

She narrows her eyes. 

Jens isn’t really sure why he doesn’t just tell her about Lucas. She’d shrug it off easily enough, if he told her he was just going to message a new friend, a new boy in his school. It’s not like she would interrogate him. She’s surprisingly understanding, and easily appeased, for a nine year old. It’s not a big deal. He’d told Robbe about Lucas, when they’d come to fetch him and ask him who he’d been hanging out with. Had hoped it would make it easier to introduce them, eventually, if he’s given the chance. 

But, well, he isn’t lying. Lucas isn’t anyone to him yet, and Jens hadn’t actually managed to text him anyway. 

He stands up, forcing Lotte to scurry back, then ushers her out of the room, following behind her and back downstairs to the kitchen. “Come on, then. We’ll take him on a walk and I’ll go in to get his food. How’s Ace’s stash going?”

“Fine. It should last another week at least.”

Jens nods and makes a mental note to buy the little furball a few extra packets, too. Just in case. “Okay. You can go fetch the mutt then.”

“Nugget isn’t a mutt.”

“No, but you are.”

Lotte gives him an adorable death glare and takes Nugget’s lead from the hook by the door. Jens does a quick check of the cupboards to make sure his parents really didn’t buy any food and put it somewhere Lotte hadn’t thought to look. There’s nothing, and he resigns himself to the short walk to the shop and the likelihood that Lotte will chat his ear off the whole time. 

He shrugs on his coat and checks his phone once more, only to freeze in surprise when he sees the little typing bubble appear in the chat he still has open with Lucas. He clutches his phone in both hands as he brings it closer to his face, waiting with baited breath. He accidentally clicks into the typing bar, and the bubble disappears. Jens curses under his breath and clicks out of it, waiting, debating. 

The bubble doesn’t reappear. 

“Jens!”

With a sigh, he shoves his phone into his pocket and heads out to Lotte. 

  
**_  
Monday, 12:03_ **

**Song:** **_Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover_ **

Lucas scrambles out of his chair as soon as the teacher dismisses them, three minutes after the bell signals they should be allowed to leave. His stomach had started grumbling embarrassingly a few minutes into the class, and he’d tried to muffle it for the following half an hour. He’s pretty sure no one had noticed, though, or they’d at least been kind enough not to give him any funny looks, but he’d still spent the class with his head down, trying to ignore the vague dizziness there. 

He may still be avoiding his father, just a little, and it may have led to him skipping out on breakfast. 

He’s anxious now to get up and leave, shoving his books halfway into his bag and shaking it to get it zipped. He tosses the strap over his shoulder and cringes at the screech of his chair as he pushes it back under his desk. He shrugs his bag higher onto his shoulder and slips through the desks and lingering students to rush out the door, hand pressed to his stomach and taking a deep breath to stave off the small head rush. He only makes it two steps out of the door, however, before crashing into someone and stumbling back. 

Hands reach out to steady him, one lightly taking hold of his arm, as a very familiar voice says, “Shit, sorry.”

Lucas whips his gaze up to find Jens standing in front of him, fixing his own backpack as he keeps his hand on Lucas’s arm until he steadies. He looks much the same as he had at the party, though he’s switched his tee and jacket combo out for a heavier red hoodie, still paired with tight blue jeans. His eyes are just as bright as they meet Lucas’s. When he takes Lucas in, a bright smile spreads over his face and Lucas’s heart flutters in recognition. 

“Hey, Utrecht,” Jens says cheerfully. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Uh,” Lucas stutters, head suddenly feeling lighter than before. Then he smiles slightly. “I would say the same, but honestly, I’m not that surprised. I’m starting to feel like you’re stalking me.”

It has the unexpected effect of making Jens blush. He rolls his eyes just the same, pulling a face at Lucas. “Says the one who went looking for me first.”

Lucas works very hard to not let a blush of his own form, but his cheeks feel a little warm. Still, he doesn’t really think he should be embarrassed. He’d seen Jens yesterday. Typing and stopping. Typing and typing and stopping again. He’d been trying to pluck up the courage to text the other boy, himself, when he’d first noticed it, and then Jens had stopped for longer, and Lucas had attempted to draft something. Had considered teasing him. Then the typing bubble appeared again, and he froze up. And waited. And nothing happened. “You weren’t that hard to find.”

Jens’s smile widens. “Neither are you, apparently. I’m surprised we never ran into each other before. Especially if you’re friends with Amber and Luca.”

Lucas huffs a small laugh, smirking. “I’m pretty sure Luca was trying to avoid letting me run into you, actually.”

“Yeah it did kind of seem like that, didn’t it,” Jens laughs. The sound sends warmth sweeping into Lucas’s stomach. “She’s just worried I’d steal you away. Which is fair enough, I guess.”

Lucas raises his brow, heart thumping a little faster. He’s a mess. “Why?”

“Well, I am kind of hoping to steal you away,” Jens grins, “as long as that’s okay with you.”

“Oh,” Lucas says, eloquently. He’s not sure what to make of that. Now that he’s completely sober, and stood in a crowded hallway, it doesn’t seem as easy to interact with Jens. He feels a little out of his element, and a little awkward, and a lot obvious. 

Really, how is he supposed to react to that?

Jens’s face falls as a sudden insecurity seeps in. “Unless you already have plans, of course.”

Lucas’s eyes widen. “No,” he blurts, then gives a small, nervous laugh. “I mean—I mentioned how I don’t really have any friends, right?”

His heart melts as Jens softens. He looks different, in person, to what he does in the vlogs. There’s simultaneously a more aloof and gentler air about him, something about his presence that makes Lucas feel twitchy and comfortable all at once. It may possibly have something to do with the fact that he is both stunningly beautiful and surprisingly kind, all at once. It may have something to do with the way he looks at Lucas, like he’s something that actually should be seen. 

“Then, do you want to come with me and hopefully change that? My friends can be dumb, but I think they’re smart enough to like you. Robbe will, at least, I think, and Aaron kinda likes everyone, and Moyo doesn’t show it as much but he’ll like you, too. Trust me.”

Lucas shouldn’t really trust him. Barely knows him. He wants to go with him all the same. 

He really is a mess. 

“Okay, Antwerp,” he waves a hand. “Lead the way.”

Jens grins and nods his head down the hall. Lucas turns around and follows him, sticking close as they wind through the mass of students. The corridor is alive with chatter, students lingering at lockers and bustling around them, but it doesn’t quite cover up the rumble of Lucas’s stomach. He stiffens just slightly, hoping, but Jens squints over at him, lips slowly curving up further. Lucas elbows his side and shushes him without looking over, though he stops walking. “I was actually going to go get some food in the cafeteria.”

Jens stops with him and raises a brow. “The cafeteria? Have you actually tried the cafeteria food?”

Lucas slowly shakes his head. 

“Okay,” Jens snorts. “Let’s go then, I’ll tell you what’s safe and what isn’t.” 

It’s an offer that sends Lucas’s heart fluttering, and he’s unable to stop his lips from twitching up in another smile. He has been having a rather uncomfortable time attempting to adjust to this new environment, and it feels a lot easier with Jens by his side. He’s too focused on how easily their steps sync up and how they’re so close their elbows keep accidentally bumping together to wonder if anyone’s looking at him. He wouldn’t even care if they were, not with how _Jens_ is looking at him, with a bright and easy smile, posture relaxed and natural. He doesn’t hold any of the same tension as Lucas, none of the familiar fear, and it’s enough to have Lucas smiling back and allowing his own shoulders to droop. He has mentioned his inability to make friends a few times, and it had sat uncomfortably in his chest, but since Friday he’s felt a lot better about it. He has just known, since then. He had just been waiting for Jens. 

Jens bumps their arms together purposefully as they slip into line in the cafeteria, nodding towards the hidden array of food. “To be honest, if it _looks_ okay it probably is, but you’re still better getting one of the packaged sandwiches or something.”

Lucas nods to himself, figuring that’s probably his best option indeed, considering they’re a little late now and most of the acceptable options have already dwindled. He’s stuck between wanting to take it as the easy option and get out of here quickly or to prolong this moment alone with Jens. At least now he feels comfortable, and pleased, even with the nervous tickling in his stomach. He’d wanted nothing more than to wiggle his way into this friend-group, watching them at the weekend. He still wants it. He’s just a little more nervous than he thought he would be. 

“Any specific recommendations?” Lucas thinks to ask as they near the counter. Most of the people in front of them are also going away with a sandwich packet, and a few are simply there for snacks, but there are the brave souls carrying trays with suspicious looking meats. There are more people than he expected buying lunch and settling at the many cramped tables, seemingly used to the raucous laughter and overlapping conversations and dull lights. It’s a bit too much to appear enjoyable, for Lucas, and he’s glad that Jens apparently isn’t a fan, either. 

Jens shrugs. “Not really. I haven’t actually tried out much. It just depends on what you’re into.”

He smiles down at Lucas, casual, and Lucas can’t help the way his throat closes up. He knows it isn’t what Jens meant, but he can’t help but find a deeper implication there, a harder question to answer. He finds himself looking away as a flush crawls up into his cheeks and hopes Jens doesn’t notice. 

When it’s their turn, he snatches up the first item he sets his sights on, in a sudden haste to escape. He only scrunches his nose up at the odd salad mixture slapped between the bread slices after he’s made his purchase and Jens is raising his brows at him, unable to hide his amusement. Lucas elbows him again. 

Nerves tie a knot in his stomach as Jens finally leads him outside, and Lucas does his best to act clueless when he catches sight of the boy’s friends first. He falls slightly behind Jens and watches as Robbe takes notice of them, raising his hand in a slight wave. 

Jens grins as he gets close enough to greet them, and Lucas lingers as Robbe shoots him a small smile and Moyo’s eyes trail over him, calculating. Aaron, however, is the one to tilt his head and speak to Lucas first, completely ignoring Jens as the boy nudges at his feet. “Hey, aren’t you that new guy Amber was talking about? From...Utrecht, or something?”

Jens rolls his eyes and succeeds at making space for himself on the bench next to Moyo, Aaron’s feet finally out of the way. “Lucas. I met him at the party on Friday. Lucas, this is Aaron, Moyo, and Robbe.” Jens points each of them out in turn, and Lucas does his best to seem like he doesn’t already know. 

“So he’s who you ditched us for,” Moyo nudges his friend. He’s still considering Lucas closely, but his posture remains relaxed and there’s a slight upward curve to his lips. “And here I thought you were off hooking up.”

Lucas’s stomach clenches as Jens rolls his eyes, shaking his head at the comment as it bounces around in Lucas’s head. Of course, that option has disappeared at the revelation that Lucas is a guy. He shouldn’t be disappointed—he’s already more than aware of what the ‘norm’ is and how far he is from it. 

Then Jens says, “Unlike our friend here–“ he juts a thumb at Aaron “–I don’t think it’s necessary to hook up with someone at every opportunity.”

Robbe snorts, but nods his head in agreement. “It’s true that Jens has more emotional tact than that.” At Moyo’s incredulous look up at him, he mends, “Most of the time.”

“He does?” Lucas can’t help asking, dubious. 

Jens looks at him with his mouth dropped open in betrayal. “Hey. I thought we shared something special.”

Lucas very valiantly ignores the storm that kicks up in his stomach. “Belgian weed really just isn’t as good.”

Jens snorts, shaking his head at him as Moyo finally cracks a smile of his own. He slides along the bench, shoving Robbe’s feet away as he goes, and pats the newly created space between him and Jens. “Sit the fuck down and tell us what’s so special about you, then,” Moyo orders, and Lucas automatically obeys. 

The space is smaller than he expects, and he finds himself thigh to thigh with Jens to leave a tiny gap next to Moyo as they twist around. Robbe and Aaron clamber off the table and round it to sit on the other side. When Moyo looks at him expectantly, he shrinks slightly in his seat. “Oh, there’s nothing actually special about me.”

“Amber and Luca think you’re cute,” Aaron offers, and Lucas can’t help but smile slightly. 

Jens turns his head to smirk at him. “Ahh, okay. Now I get why Luca is so possessive of you.” 

Robbe shares a look with him and then shakes his head, giggling slightly as he shoots Lucas a sympathetic glance. “She’ll get over it eventually. Unless you’re interested?” 

Lucas leans his elbows on the table and gives a small shrug. “I think she’s already gotten over it. She seemed to have her own fun at the party once you took over her babysitting duties,” he nudges Jens. 

“She knew I was going to have more luck with the cute guy,” Jens nods solemnly, and Lucas nudges him again with a little more force. 

He relaxes as he digs his sandwiches back out of his bag and the boys continue poking fun at each other, leaving Moyo cursing and Jens laughing in his ears. He allows himself to smile as he imagines this, sitting with this group everyday, teasing and laughing and getting to know them. Making friends somewhat similar to those he has at home. People to go out with, to smoke with, to message when the loneliness begins creeping back in. Jens there to show him the ropes. 

“How the fuck did you get a salad sandwich?” Moyo suddenly asks him, glaring at his own chicken mix. 

Jens snorts from his other side. “I don’t think he knows himself. Why do you have cafeteria food though? Where’s your usual fancy lunch your mom sends with you?”

Moyo shrugs. “She didn’t get a chance to make it for today and I couldn’t buy anything on the way ‘cause I slept in.” 

A more serious tone seems to fall over the table as the boys give an understanding nod, and Jens looks around Lucas to ask, “Everything okay?” 

Moyo nods, and that’s that. Lucas understands that he has been left out of something and accepts that he isn’t quite a member of the group that easily. He’s going to have a little more work to do, of course, as they’re going to have to put in the time with him. 

“If you’d prefer it, I have no problem with switching,” Lucas offers, doing his best to be just as casual, giving a small shrug of his shoulders. 

The calculating look returns, though this time it appears pleased. Moyo gives a grateful nod, smiling as Lucas switches their lunches around. “I’m beginning to see why they like you.”

Lucas gives him a mock-offended look. “Not because I’m cute?”

Moyo scoffs, but he’s smiling as he rolls his eyes. “The position of cocky pretty boy in this group is already taken, I’m afraid.”

“Aww, Moyo,” Robbe says, “don’t tell him lies. You’re not _that_ pretty.”

Moyo tosses what appears to be a piece of lettuce at him as he giggles again, leading to Jens letting out a chuckle alongside him, while Aaron rolls his eyes. “We all already knew Robbe’s opinion.”

“And Robbe’s opinion is the only one that matters,” Jens butts in, stretching his arm across the table to fist bump his smallest friend. Another inside conversation, Lucas realises. 

Lucas huffs, shaking his head amusedly. “I’m guessing he’s talking about you then,” he raises a brow at Jens.

Jens bumps their shoulders and grins. “You agree then?”

“The cocky part gave it away.”

Jens gives him that same jaw-dropped, mock-offended look, complete with a hand pressed dramatically to his heart. He can’t quite smother his smile though. “Need I remind you who asked you to join us in the first place?”

Moyo makes a small sound of protest, shaking his head around a bite of his sandwich. “Doesn’t matter, he’s ours now. I like him.”

Lucas smiles, feeling a pleasant, easy warmth slip over him that had been absent for the past week, since moving here. He’s beginning to feel a little less out of place just with this one simple interaction, just because it’s simpler than he could’ve hoped for. He allows his expression to turn a little smug as Jens catches his gaze, and Jens’s smile simply widens. With another joyous kick in his stomach, Lucas realises the other boy is just as pleased. 

“It’s weird that we’ve never actually seen you around before,” Aaron agrees, frowning. 

“And that your girlfriend refused to introduce us,” Jens raises his brows. 

“Well,” Lucas decides to speak up for the poor girl. “Amber was actually going to introduce us. Luca wasn’t so sure. I would’ve introduced myself, but I wasn’t really sure where to look.”

“So, you’re welcome,” Jens concludes, taking a mini bow to himself, and Moyo rolls his eyes again as Robbe huffs a quiet laugh. 

Lucas’s lips quirk up at the corners as he turns to Robbe, and he’s unable to hold back. “I actually have seen you before, though, I think.” Robbe tilts his head curiously and Lucas continues, “That’s you on that mural, isn’t it?”

Robbe blushes instantly as the others laugh at him, even as Jens groans and covers his face with his hand. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“I saw it last week and I didn’t realise how good it actually is. It looks so much like you. How’d you get one of those in the middle of the city?”

“Sander’s like some kinda art ninja with serious apology skills, that’s how,” Moyo snorts, shooting his friend a teasing smile as Lucas absorbs the information. 

“Sander?”

If possible, Robbe blushes even more. Still, his voice is casual, infused with an easy warmth as he explains. “My boyfriend. He painted it last year.”

Lucas’s brain short-circuits, just for a second. He suddenly wishes he’d thought to look into Jens’s friends a little more after finding his account, imagining it would have been fairly easy. He probably could have avoided this small moment of shock, that way. This momentary lapse in coherent thought. “So you’re…”

Robbe raises a brow, smiling slightly. “Taken? Or gay?”

Before Lucas can regain function, can smile and joke back, Moyo is turning to him with his most grave look so far. “Is that a problem?” 

He realises belatedly that Jens has also tensed on his other side, and that Robbe’s smile is unsure, and he hates himself for a little moment. “Of course not,” he shakes his head, smiling softly at Robbe, hoping it portrays his sincerity. If they only knew the real reason for his stunned reaction, he thinks. “Unless you think he’d mind me taking a few pictures of it. Or unless you yourself mind.”

The tension dissipates instantly as Robbe’s shoulders relax and his smile brightens. “Are you into photography?”

Lucas shrugs, feeling a blush of his own creep in. “A little bit. But I don’t have an actual camera or anything. I like art in general. That’s why I paid so much attention to the mural in the first place.”

Robbe’s expression lights up even further. “Sander will like you, too, then.” 

Jens lets out another groan, but he wears a soft look as he gazes at his friend. “Yeah, Sander will definitely love that. Another ego boost.”

Robbe shrugs him off with a roll of his eyes. “You love Sander. I don’t know why you bother pretending.”

“Yeah, man, it’s not like it’s a secret, we all love Sander,” Moyo points out, lunch already halfway gone, completely at ease again. “And now we know Lucas probably will too, so it’s about time you give in man.”

Jens rolls his eyes in response, but heaves a sigh. “Sander understands our relationship. It works.”

“Cute,” Robbe hums, and Lucas finds himself smiling again. 

He jumps, then, as hands fall on his shoulders from behind. 

“Sorry, bud, I did try to save you. See, Amber, look what they’ve done now.”

Lucas tilts his head back to grin up at Luca as Amber squeezes into the spot next to her boyfriend and kisses his cheek. Luca shakes her head at him in faux disappointment, and Moyo lets out a disgruntled sound next to them. 

“You did try to keep him to yourself, is what you mean,” he says. “As if you’re better company.”

“My right hand alone is better company than you,” Luca retorts, and Lucas can’t help the surprised laughter that leaves him. Aaron’s laughter is loud, Robbe’s giggles clear, and Jens’s laughter quiet and breathy. Still, it’s where Lucas finds most of his attention drawn. 

Luca squeezes his shoulders and points across the table at Robbe. “That one is sweet, I can respect you being friends with him.” Robbe grins and blows her a kiss as she sets a hand on Jens’s head, causing him to jump as well. “This one has a few kinks that could be worked out, but he’s acceptable.” Jens offers a sarcastic smile as she drops that hand back onto Lucas’s shoulder and sets the other in Moyo’s curls, who instantly tries to shake her off. “This one is super easy to make fun of, so that’s a nice trait.” Moyo finally manages to bat her away as she gestures across the table at Aaron. “And that one just...well he’s just a ball of amusement on his own. You don’t even have to put in any work there.” Aaron flips her off, and Lucas waits for Amber to protest, but the girl does nothing more than give a tiny shake of her head and fail to give Luca a disapproving look. 

Lucas grins as Luca squeezes his shoulders. He looks up at her again and she says, with a heavy sigh, “Voila. The Broerrrs.”

  
**_  
Monday, 21:58_ **

**jensrolt:** _hey :) it was cool that you joined us today_

_sorry the guys are a bit full on_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _no, I like them. thanks for letting me join_

_it’s way better than what I was doing before_

**jensrolt:** _believe it or not, for me too_

_you’re a bit of sanity in the group_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _maybe you just don’t know me that well yet_

**jensrolt:** _yet_

  
**_  
Tuesday, 17:03_ **

**Kes:** _yo Luc how you surviving??_

**Lucas:** _okay. it’s still weird_

**Kes:** _you made some new friends though?_

**Jayden:** _that’s certainly what your instagram says_

_is jensrolt gonna think it’s weird if I follow him???_

**Lucas:** _yes_

**Kes:** _yes_

_anyone would think that's weird_

**Jayden:** _well he let himself be tagged ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

**Lucas:** _no, Jayden_

**Jayden:** _ugh fine_

**Kes:** _is it just him?_

**Lucas:** _there’s four of them_

**Jayden:** _yo that’s twice as many as us 😳_

_Kes we’re losing him 😔_

**Kes:** _shut up Jayden_

_and they’re cool?_

**Lucas:** _yeah they’re very cool_

_I mean they’re not you guys_

**Jayden:** _nice save_

_Luc when are you gonna call us 🥺_

**Lucas:** _I’d rather see you_

**Kes:** _you gonna talk to your dad about coming back for the weekend??_

**Lucas:** _I’m gonna try :)_

  
**_  
Wednesday, 19:29_ **

**Song:** **_Moglii - Face 2 Face_ **

Jens is getting pretty used to running away to his room as quickly as possible. Dinner has become something of a chore—more so than it used to be. He answers polite, careless questions about school and the boys and his plans for the week. He teases Lotte until her pouts give way to giggles. He eats his food in the most respectable manner he can manage, without making it obvious that he’s trying to escape as quickly as possible. He’ll give an excuse about homework, and being in his final year means it works every time. He slips away from the idle, opinionated comments and ‘jokes’ and it allows him to exist in his more familiar chill state. Families are normally stressful. He’s intimately familiar with this concept, considering Robbe’s many nights at his side in an attempt to get away. 

It’s nothing beyond the usual. At least, there doesn’t seem to be anything specific that Jens can pick out. 

But the weight on his chest is unfamiliar and uncomfortable, and it creeps in slowly through dinner and lingers heavily now. He doesn’t know why it’s there, and most frustratingly, he can’t figure out how to get rid of it. 

He could message the guys. Robbe, though he’s probably with Sander. Moyo, though he’s been having enough trouble of his own with his mother. Aaron...he probably won’t go to Aaron. 

A week ago, that would have been his options up. A week ago, he didn’t know Lucas. 

Now, he’s staring at his messages with the boy and running through possible conversation starters. It’s a similar feeling to that of the weekend, but also entirely different. He can probably consider Lucas a friend now. He’d messaged him on Monday after school, making sure he’d liked the Broerrrs, that they hadn’t already scared him away. They’d had lunch together again yesterday, all of them, and Robbe had invited Lucas to join them at the skate park after, which he’d hesitantly accepted after receiving no protest from the others. Jens hadn’t seen him today, though he’d done his best to try and catch him after school. It should be fine to just message him. Normal enough. 

He just doesn’t really know what to say. It also doesn’t feel the same, when Jens can’t actually _talk_ to him. He realises that’s what he actually wants, to hear Lucas’s low tones teasing him, to drag a smile out of him, to fall into their easy banter that works as an effortless distraction. It doesn’t matter, if he doesn’t actually talk about the weight on his chest. He _knows_ that seeing Lucas would lift it. 

Which is why, before he even realises what he’s doing, he’s tapping the video camera in the top corner of the chat. 

He bolts upright on his bed, eyes widening as the phone rings on, _calling Lucas_ , as Jens can only watch on, in shock of his own hands. He hadn’t meant to do that. He really, really had not meant to do that. Not when he doesn’t know if his hair is a mess or if there are stains on his hoodie or if his face is blotchy in the dim glow of his ceiling light. 

_Why do I care about that?_

He should hang up. Send Lucas a quick message to say that it had been a mistake, maybe allow that to start a conversation between them. It’s been ringing too long for him to expect Lucas to pick up anyway. He’s probably busy. Maybe even still having dinner. Jens should just _hang up._

His thumb hovers over the button, and then the tone goes off on its own and he sucks in a breath, thinking the time had run out. Only, that would have taken him back to the chat, and not be showing him a shaky black screen. 

The realisation washes over him slowly that Lucas has _answered._

His face comes into view rather abruptly, the screen stuttering before centering on a confused smile and pretty blue eyes. 

_Pretty?_

“Hey?” Lucas is running a hand through his hair, somewhat hesitant, but he doesn’t seem annoyed or even displeased. There is a tiny smile. Jens may not be entirely stupid. He may not have messed up that much. 

“Hey,” he says, resisting the urge to fix his own hair. “Sorry for just...calling. If it’s a bad time I can—“

“No, you’re fine,” Lucas interrupts softly. “I was just in the other room and didn’t hear the phone. Is everything okay?”

Jens nods, watching the wrinkles form in Lucas’s soft green shirt as he settles onto his bed. “Yep. Or, well,” he hesitates as Lucas watches on, tilting his head at him. Jens sinks back against his pillows, sighing. “I don’t know.”

Lucas’s brow furrows, but he nods slightly. Effortlessly understanding. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t really know what there is to talk about,” Jens admits. They lapse into a moment of silence as Lucas smiles patiently, tilting his own head back against his pillows. The angle should be unflattering, but he looks no less delicate or put together to Jens. It is simultaneously better and worse, seeing him. “I just felt kind of...I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to you, I guess.”

It’s strange to admit, and he feels heat creep into his cheeks, and he doesn’t quite understand what’s wrong with him. He’s not usually someone who is nervous to speak to new people. But Lucas makes him nervous. 

And still, the ease he brings Jens overshadows it. 

Lucas’s smile widens. “I’m honored. And grateful.”

Jens’s own brow furrows now as his own worry creeps up. “Is everything okay with _you_?”

Lucas sighs, rolling his head to the side before picking it up with a small shrug, and Jens decides he’s glad he hadn’t just texted him. “Yeah, sorry. I’m still just adjusting, I guess.”

Of course. It’s weird, but Jens keeps forgetting this little fact. For some reason, it’s easy to forget that Lucas is only a new citizen in Antwerp. Jens just gives him a sympathetic smile and nod. “At least now you’re not just hiding out in your room the whole week though, right?” 

“Yeah,” Lucas nods back, smiling, gaze having gone soft again, and Jens is a little thrown by the exaggerated thump his heart gives in response. He hadn’t realised the stress has been building up so much anxiety. “I have free reign of the apartment usually anyway, so. I’m not really hiding out.”

“Your parents aren’t there?” Jens’s brow furrows again. 

Lucas gives him an easy shrug. “My dad works late.”

Jens notices that he doesn’t mention his mother, and he doesn’t bring it up either. “Ahh, okay. Mine does too, sometimes. Other times, I kind of wish he’d work later.”

For a moment, Jens wonders if that’s the wrong thing to say. If it’ll only upset Lucas further. But the boy only gives a quiet huff of laughter and a nod in understanding. Clearly in agreement. For another moment, Jens is tempted. He has the sudden intense desire to somehow curb Lucas’s own obvious weight. He’s tempted to do something stupid, like suggesting they meet up so he won’t be alone. As if he’s even lonely, and Jens would be an acceptable cure. He’s tempted, until he reminds himself that he’s probably overstepping by calling Lucas in the first place. 

Then Lucas says, “I definitely prefer your company.”

He’s still wearing that small, soft smile, and the pressure on Jens’s chest eases exponentially at the sight of it. “Yeah?”

Lucas hums, smile widening as he makes himself comfortable. “I mean, you definitely look better in a bathtub, but…this will do.”

“Oh?” Jens laughs. Lucas hums again. “I just wasn’t sure you could handle that, but it can be arranged.” 

He wiggles his brows, and Lucas stifles his own laughter. Jens catches the flush that creeps up his neck, though. “Probably necessary, really?”

“Lucas Van der Heijden,” Jens says, aghast. “Are you suggesting I _smell_?”

“Maybe just a little dirty, no?” He wiggles his brows now, and Jens snorts. 

“Okay, well played, well played.”

Lucas grins, and Jens grins back, and he feels like he could float. 

  
**_  
Thursday, 17:02_ **

**Song:** **_David Bowie - Rebel Rebel_ **

Lucas skims his gaze over the books in front of him consideringly, with only half-hearted attention. His mind isn’t really here. It’s stuck in his room from last night, in today’s lunch period, just an hour ago. When Jens had caught him in the courtyard and walked halfway home with him, joking and teasing and acting like he had been Lucas’s best friend for years. 

Lucas understands, because he also feels that simplicity in their relationship, that easy connection. The effortless flow, the familiar back and forth. It had been a startling realisation the night before, when Jens had called him out of the blue, almost giving him a heart attack at first. What wasn’t even supposed to be a call in the first place had turned into an hours-long conversation, both of their voices turning hushed and their laughter muffled as the night wore on. Lucas falls back into a state of disbelief, thinking about it now. He kind of can’t believe his luck. 

He’s also beyond worried, and just a little mad at himself. Since when does he let himself get so attached so quickly? 

He wants to believe that it isn’t a problem. That Jens seems just as invested in the friendship as him. That things are going well with the rest of the boys, who seem to have accepted Lucas into their circle without an ounce of hesitation. Lucas is unbelievably lucky. He _should_ be ecstatic. 

He shouldn’t be spending so much of his time thinking about just how ecstatic he is that _Jens_ was the one to take him in. 

He really, really shouldn't be spending so much of his time thinking about how pretty Jens is. 

It's just his luck that the boy would have to look like _that._

He needs to get his mind off of it for at least a little while, in some way, or he’ll do something completely stupid. Like call Jens again. Even though he’s just seen him. He can’t be trying to get all his happiness here from a single source. He can find ways to be happy on his own. 

Which is the only thought that has brought him to the small art shop a few blocks from his apartment, only a couple-of-minutes cycle away. It’s convenient and quiet and seemingly good quality. He’s been itching to explore it since he first got here, but there’s been so _much_ to see and so little money in his pocket. He’s simply been biding his time and reminding himself of it. 

Now that he’s here, though, it’s a little hard to be interested. His gaze wanders over the supplies, unseeing, and he plucks a random book off the shelf he’s standing in front of in hopes of looking less lost. He flips it around and skims the back of it, barely registering, unable to even remember the cover. Distracted, still. 

This is what makes him jump a full foot into the air at the sudden voice at his shoulder. “Ahh, one of the greatest gay icons to ever live.”

Lucas whips his head around to find that the deep voice belongs to a tall guy with a leather jacket, an easy smirk, and a startling shock of white hair. He runs his gaze over the stand, as well, not even looking at Lucas as Lucas drops his gaze back to the book in his hands, taking in Leonardo’s artfully sculpted face with furrowed brows. 

“Da Vinci was gay?” Lucas finds himself questioning, unsure, twisting to look at the blonde as he finally gets his attention. 

The boy shrugs, still smirking slightly as he nods at the book. “I guess we never really have any way of being sure but a lot of historians and critics are pretty sure. I can see why you’re considering the book. It’s probably all in there.”

Lucas’s brow remains furrowed as he looks at the cover again. _Huh_. 

“You’re not an art student then?” The boy asks it lightly, his smirk having smoothed into a small smile, and Lucas simply shrugs. 

“No, just...a hobby. You’re definitely an art student though.”

The boy huffs, smile widening. He holds his hands out to the sides and asks, “What gave it away?”

Lucas laughs, shaking his head slightly. The boy sticks his hand out to him and says, “Sander, by the way.”

Lucas shakes his hand, the name bouncing around in his head, sounding familiar but distant—until it suddenly clicks into place. Beautiful and blonde and artsy, with a particular amount of knowledge on the sexual orientation of a dead man. “Wait. Robbe’s Sander?”

Sander’s face brightens instantly and Lucas knows he’s gotten it right. “You know Robbe?”

“Yeah, I’m in his year. I mean, only recently though.” When Sander only continues to look at him in confusion, he realises he hasn’t even introduced himself yet. “Sorry, I’m Lucas.”

Sander’s expression brightens further, though this time it’s with recognition. “As in Jens’s Lucas?”

Lucas almost drops the book in his hands as his heart gives a particularly violent thump in response to those words. He feels heat rush up his neck and into his cheeks in the space of that heartbeat, feeling a bit like a deer in headlights. What is that supposed to mean? How is he supposed to react to it? 

Realising Lucas’s hesitant surprise, Sander adds, “From the party? The guy in the bathtub?”

_Ah_. Of course. Lucas nods with a smile and a small huff. “Interesting nickname, but yeah.”

“Sorry,” Sander laughs. “I still just find it funny, finding Jens just sitting there all chilled out. I know you’ve integrated into the rest of the group this week though right?”

Lucas nods again. “At least, I think so.”

Sander gives him a reassuring smile and a shake of his head. “Robbe already talks about you as one of them. And I gather Jens is a big enough fan, too.”

Lucas flushes again, and there’s a glint in Sander’s smile that’s just a little too knowing to make him comfortable. He clears his throat and looks back down at the book, eyes widening slightly as he catches sight of the price tag before setting it back on the shelf. “Well, I think I have a good enough education on him now to go without that.”

Sander snorts, easily adjusting to the subject change, and Lucas decides that he likes him. “You’re into photography too, right?” Lucas nods and Sander hums, doing a slow scan of the shop. “What to teach you next then, dear protégé,” he muses to himself. 

Lucas raises his brows, smiling slightly. “Are you taking me in now, too?”

“What, with all that atrocious lack of knowledge on such important history? Of course. Those boys will never teach you that.”

Lucas laughs quietly, knowing he probably isn’t wrong. He has happily accepted Jens as his Antwerp guide, but an artistic, older, non-straight mentor doesn’t sound unappealing. Lucas suspects that Sander fits quite well into his preferred vibe, into his idea of a friend, and he knows the boy surely comes as a package deal anyway. Lucas feels a little like he knew him already, before this chance meeting, with how present he is with the Broerrrs. From the beginning, Lucas hasn’t expected to be friends with Robbe without eventually having the chance to befriend Sander, too. 

“If that mural of your boyfriend is any indication of your skills, I’ll gladly be your protégé, if you’ll have me,” Lucas agrees. 

Sander flushes now, but his smile holds a quiet pride and an overwhelming amount of love. Lucas’s heart twists at just the sight of it. “Gladly,” Sander returns. “You might even fix Jens up a bit while you’re at it.”

Lucas just huffs a small laugh and tries not to let the words affect him, _again_. He doesn’t need to stop thinking about Jens entirely, but he really needs to stop thinking about Jens like that. Like he’s even a possibility. “Should I refer to you as my mentor from here on out then?”

“Ugh, mentor makes it sound so formal,” Sander wrinkles his nose. “Just think of me as your...guru, or something, yeah?”

Lucas huffs again, shaking his head as he grins. “Alright, guru. Can my first lesson be on what I can get in here for less than ten euro?”

  
**_  
Thursday, 19:16_ **

**_[vanderheijden.lucas]:_** _@earthlingoddity has started following you_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _hey :)_

_it didn’t take you long to find me_

**earthlingoddity:** _with everyone else following you you weren’t hard to find_

_is that okay?_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _more than okay_

_now I have an easy way of booking more lessons with my new guru_

**earthlingoddity:** _I’m oddly enjoying that title 🧐_

_Robbe is laughing at me because of it 😪_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _aww did you tell Robbe about me already?_

**earthlingoddity:** _well of course_

_wouldn’t want him getting jealous_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _I don’t think Robbe would get jealous_

**earthlingoddity:** _no?_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _with such a love declaration visible from half the city?_

**earthlingoddity:** _🙈_

_true. probably just Jens we have to worry about_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _why Jens?_

**earthlingoddity:** _his old and new bffs both like me best 😌_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _😂 what gave you that impression?_

**earthlingoddity:** _is it not true? 🥺_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _we’ll see_

_:)_

  
**_  
Friday, 15:34_ **

**Song:** **_Colouring - Time_ **

“Lucas!”

Jens chases the boy down the sidewalk, trying to be heard over the other students milling around and feeling eternally grateful for his long legs. Lucas turns just a second before Jens reaches him and smiles, waiting patiently even as people squeeze past him. 

“Hey,” he says simply, once Jens comes to a halt in front of him with a smile spreading over his own face. 

“Hey. Are you in a rush?” 

Lucas shakes his head. “Away from you? Never.”

Jens rolls his eyes at the teasing even as his stomach rolls pleasantly. This is exactly why Lucas has been such a good addition. He seems to have more time for Jens than anyone has had in a while. Even as he’s been integrating quickly into the group, he has felt primarily like _his_ friend. Jens knows it’s probably only because they were the first to meet and Jens was then the one to introduce him to the others, but it’s still nice. It feels good, having a bond actually develop between them. Rather than introducing Lucas to the boys just to have him like them better. He’s willing to bet none of the others have extended their friendships to texts and video calls, either. 

“Well, good,” he says. “Because I have something very important to ask.”

Lucas hums questioningly as they turn to start walking down the street, sticking close to avoid people trying to slip between them. Jens fixes the strap of his bag over his shoulder as Lucas tucks his hands into his pockets, away from the cold. “Should I be worried?”

“Depends?” Jens shrugs. “There’s a small party tonight at Amber’s, something to do with their Freefest shit, and so of course, you’re invited. They literally only told me about it last class, otherwise I would’ve asked you at lunch.”

Lucas raises a brow at him. “Is there a party here every weekend or something?”

Jens considers, then shrugs again. “Kinda?” he laughs. “There are a few. So, you in?”

He bumps their shoulders, hoping he doesn’t sound too hopeful. Lucas bumps him back and gives him a disappointed smile, and Jens’s heart falls. “I would, but I’m actually going home for the weekend. I’m taking the train tonight.”

“Oh.” Jens tries not to show just how crushed he is by the revelation. He wonders exactly what that means. Lucas hasn’t mentioned his mother once, but it’s fairly possible she’s back in Utrecht, Jens supposes. Jens is curious, but he’s been doing his best not to ask Lucas about the circumstances surrounding his move, and no one else has seemed to either. Lucas seems content not talking about it. Jens wouldn’t even know if he had friends there, if not for his Instagram. Lucas hasn’t really mentioned anything. He hadn’t mentioned going home, either. It probably would have been nice to know that before, too. “Right. That’s good, then. You excited?”

Lucas nods. “I’m not as eager to get back as I was when I first got here, but I’ve still been hoping to go home whenever I can. My kids won’t survive long on their own, y’know?”

He’s grinning, ridiculous, and Jens snorts. “Ah, of course, the kids. I completely understand why you need to rush home then.”

“I wasn’t just going to leave without telling you,” Lucas says, somewhat carefully, and Jens realises he probably hasn’t been hiding his disappointment as well as he thought. “I only made the plans last night, and it didn’t really feel appropriate at lunch, I guess.”

Jens nudges him again, mustering up a smile. He isn’t quite sure why it disappoints him so much. It’s just the first weekend that he and Lucas are actually _friends_ , and he’d been hoping that meant they would actually get to hang out. “It’s chill. It’s just a little stressful, you know, the baby foal out there all on his own…”

This time Lucas _shoves_ him, and Jens snorts as he stumbles to the edge of the sidewalk, finding his way back to Lucas’s side in the space of a breath. “I think the foal can handle himself, yeah?” Lucas raises a brow. 

Jens holds his hands up in surrender. “Maybe, maybe. Maybe he can also be convinced, then, to stick around at the party for an hour before he goes?”

Lucas tilts his head at him, eyes narrowed. Unimpressed. “Won’t that be cutting it a little late?”

“Come on, Luc. It’s Amber, the party starts at like eight. You can catch the train at nine, and still be tucked into your bed by eleven. I’ll even ditch to make sure you get there nice and safe, hm?”

The look Lucas is giving him now is not very convinced, but no longer unimpressed. In fact, it looks a little like surprise. It’s making Jens feel a little unsure. “What?”

Lucas shakes himself out of it. “No, sorry, nothing. Just, I haven’t really been hearing people call me that so much.”

Jens’s brow furrows, and then he thinks back on his words and realises. He clears his throat in hopes it’ll distract from the way his cheeks are surely reddening. “Do you not like it?”

Lucas smiles, shaking his head again. “All my friends use it. Makes sense, huh?”

He bumps against Jens again, and Jens feels his stomach flutter even as his heart gives a painful little pang. He tamps down his confusion over his own reaction and prompts, “So, you wanna go to a party with your new best friend then?”

“Jens,” Lucas groans, still hesitant. Jens can see the smile tugging at his lips, though. He can tell he’s getting through to him. 

He slings his arm around the shorter boy’s shoulders as they walk. “You know you want to, huh? Then you have two full days with your friends. Think about all that’s on offer. Free beer, free weed, free me,” he coaxes. 

Lucas snorts, but lets out a sigh. “You drive a hard bargain.”

Jens hums, starting to grin. “You’re tempted, aren’t you?” When Lucas remains quiet, shoulders tense under his arm, his hope begins to dissipate. “Hey. If you want to go home right now, I completely get it. I don’t want to keep you from your friends.”

At that, Lucas looks over at him, smile returning. They pause in their steps, and Jens slowly lets his arm fall. Lucas considers him as Jens attempts to keep his expression pleasantly neutral. Then Lucas sighs. “I guess, if it’s just an hour...okay.”

Jens’s brows shoot up. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Lucas drawls, exaggeratedly reluctant. At Jens’s quiet cheer, he holds up a hand. “But, only on one condition.”

Jens nods, prompting. 

“I also get you for free for these few hours I’m missing out on.”

The pang his heart gives now is decidedly more excited. He works hard to smother the grin threatening to take over, trying to mask the way his heart is beating a mile a minute. His reactions are all over the place, and he can’t seem to get his heart under control. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand this constant _need_. To talk to Lucas, to be with him, to see him smile, to hear him laugh, to stop feeling alone. Since meeting Lucas, he hasn’t felt like that for a moment. Lucas has been a constant presence in his mind, even when he wasn’t paying attention. 

He doesn’t understand, but he knows that he likes it. 

Jens hooks his arm around Lucas’s neck again and sets them back into motion, smirking easily down at him. “I’m all yours.”

  
**_  
Friday, 20:02_ **

**Songs:** **_ALMA - Chasing Highs; Topic ft. A7S - Breaking Me_ **

Lucas is on a high. 

He’s also maybe just _high_. Just a little bit. 

He’s spent the past four hours with Jens. Smoking, and skating, and talking and laughing and _together_. Jens had taken him to his favourite cafe after school to avoid having to split up to get dinner, and Lucas only realised his intentions when he whipped his phone out to snap a photo of the food in front of him. A week of knowing him, and he’s already introduced Lucas to his most cherished tradition. He hadn’t made much of a deal out of it, beyond a wink towards Lucas and a simple, “Voilá. Vettige Vrijdag is your last round of initiation. Welcome to the Broerrrs.”

It was good food, and Jens had seemed pleased with how happily Lucas wolfed it down, and with only some wheedling, Lucas also managed to get dessert out of him. Jens buying him a smoothie was enough to send his heart soaring, and Lucas is on cloud nine after the first hour. 

Only, it doesn’t stop there. 

They followed up by going to the skatepark, because it’s Jens’s hangout of choice. They had spent two more hours racing each other down the ramps with laughter ringing between them, both landing on their asses on more than one occasion as they tried to one-up each other. Still, neither could find it in themselves to voice a single complaint. They’d even attempted to go down the slope at the same time, hands latched onto wrists, only to end up sliding in opposite directions and collapsing together in the middle. 

Lucas’s stomach and throat still ache from laughing, but in the last hour they’d soothed it over with the bottle of beer Lucas had bought them and the blunt Jens had been hiding. Lucas had spent the whole time trying not to focus too much on the fact that they were sharing, Jens’s lips on the same place his had been not even a second before. He’d spent the whole time trying not to focus on Jens’s lips in general, wrapped around the bottle, blowing out a gentle stream of smoke. Talking to Lucas. They’d spent the whole time talking. Joking and teasing and explaining. Lucas had told him about Kes and Jayden and Isa and the others, as well as a few things about Utrecht in general. Jens had told him about the Broerrrs and his sisters and Antwerp in return, listing all the places he has yet to take Lucas. He hadn’t asked Lucas any questions or pushed beyond what Lucas was willingly telling him, and Lucas could only express his gratitude by extending the same thoughtfulness and teasing him a little more. 

He’s been managing the smoking and the drinking and the laughing and the talking. It’s the touching he can’t quite deal with. 

The whole evening, there have been small instances of contact. Elbows knocking and arms bumping and hands brushing. Light punches to shoulders and claps on the back and grabs of wrists. Never much, never long, never anything but innocent and friendly. Always burning, always surprising, always something. Leaving Lucas with a constantly stuttering heartbeat. 

Now, walking into the party with Jens’s arm tossed casually over his shoulder, Lucas is on a high. 

Amber greets them at the door with a cheerful smile, pecking them both on the cheek before ushering them inside. Lucas keeps his own hands stuffed in his pockets and lets Jens steer him through the house, following Amber, who leads them directly to the Broerrrs before disappearing back to her post at the entrance. For a party that has just started, it’s already fairly full, with a small group of people in each corner, spread out along the walls, with a few brave souls already dancing around the center of the room. Moyo and Aaron have managed to claim the sofa. They sit watching the couple heavily making out on the armchair across from them, Aaron with a studious expression and Moyo with a face of mild disgust. 

Lucas and Jens share a look, and their laughter comes quiet below the sound of the music. It’s still just enough to capture Moyo’s attention, who gives out a small cheer when he catches sight of them. 

Jens pushes Lucas forward first, setting his hands on his shoulders with a wide grin. “I’ve only managed to grab him for an hour, so enjoy him while he’s here.”

Aaron finally drags his attention over at the sound of Jens’s voice as Moyo frowns. “What? Why only an hour?” 

“I’m going home after. I really should have left after school, but—” Lucas eyes Jens’s grin and returns it with a smile of his own, “—he’s persuasive.” 

Jens happily tugs a lock of his hair before finally letting him go and perching himself on the arm of the couch next to Moyo. “Where’s Robbe?”

“Ditched us. Do you ever pay attention at lunch man?” Moyo raises a brow at him. 

Jens heaves a sigh. “He couldn’t have just brought Sander with him?”

Moyo shrugs, shaking his head, before tapping Lucas’s leg. “It’s chill. We have this one instead.” 

Lucas grins down at him and just manages to sidestep the kick Jens aims at his ankles. “Glad I’m a good second choice.”

“No way, you’re definitely first choice,” Moyo snorts. “At least you’re not ditching us in an hour to go make out with your boyfriend.”

Lucas can’t help the way his eyes flit to Jens, just for a split second. He can’t help but hide a smile when he realises Jens is already looking back. He looks around them for a distraction and eventually comes up with, “Amber has a pretty nice house.”

“Oh, it’s not hers,” Aaron says, and Lucas and Jens turn to frown at him. “She’s the host, but it’s Luca’s house. Amber didn’t have a free house.”

As Lucas nods in understanding, Moyo suddenly bounces to his feet, causing him to take a startled step back. “Okay, newbie. As a show of solidarity and to cement this friendship, you’re not gonna let me dance on my own, right?”

Lucas gives him a wide-eyed look. “ _Dance_? Oh, no. Sorry, but no. I do not dance.”

“Everyone dances,” Moyo rolls his eyes. “Some people just do it better than others. And you’re pretty, so if you suck, no one cares. Like Jens.”

“Hey,” Jens butts in, literally kicking Moyo’s ass with a quick stretch of his leg. Then he slides to his feet, too, as his lips slip into a challenging smirk, and Lucas understands that he’s in trouble. “Then I’ll only dance if he does.” 

He nods at Lucas, and Lucas bites back a groan. He can’t seriously be suggesting what Lucas thinks he’s suggesting. Surely, he can’t be.

“There you go.” Moyo looks much too excited, now. “Come on, you gotta come dance with your two new best friends. It’s bro code.”

Lucas raises his brows, not feeling swayed. “Since when is dancing bro code?”

“Since I became your bro and I’m asking you to dance,” Moyo shrugs. 

Jens waves a hand and purses his lips in agreement, as if it’s that simple. It isn’t, until Jens heaves a sigh and sets his hand on Lucas’s shoulder another time, giving him a tiny shake. “Come on, Utrecht. I’m only all yours for another hour. Offer won’t come again.”

Lucas is almost tempted to say ‘good’ and leave it like that. It’s just that...well, the offer may never come again. He knows if he said no, the moment would move on, and Jens would either sit back down with him or be coerced into joining his friend anyway. Lucas would either be left to talk to him more or to watch him, and both sound like fairly appealing options. 

But doing it _with_ Jens is suddenly a hard offer to pass up. 

Plus, it’s for Moyo. Bro code. Lucas should stick to that, right?

“I thought I’d already completed my initiation,” he complains anyway, giving Jens a pointed look. 

Jens just gives his shoulder a squeeze. Lucas feels the touch right down to his toes. “Think of it as...a bonus challenge.”

Lucas can’t help it. He snorts. 

It’s enough for the boys to know they’ve won. Jens releases a quiet cheer as Moyo outright whoops, and then he’s being dragged into the middle of the small crowd with a persistent hand on each arm. Lucas only groans once as he lets them pull him along, belatedly wondering how Aaron managed to escape their torture before realising he’s escaped the room entirely. Off to find his girlfriend, Lucas realises, understanding. _Lucky._

The people around them part enough to leave a small circle of space, and Moyo starts moving instantly, falling into an easy rhythm. Jens isn’t long joining him, and while his movements aren’t quite as smooth, Moyo is right in that it doesn’t matter. There’s more movement in his head and shoulders than in his legs, but he manages to look good even next to Moyo. Comfortable. 

Lucas does not feel comfortable. Everyone else’s limbs feel too close. The music is suddenly too loud to actually listen to, more of a pulse than an identifiable score. The room is too dim and too bright all at once, the ridiculous disco light in the corner making his vision blur red. 

“Come on, no just standing there,” Moyo coaxes, and Lucas awkwardly shuffles on his feet, too tense to move the way they are. 

Moyo chokes down a laugh and goes to move a step closer, but before he can judge him any longer, a girl with dark bangs and deep red lipstick appears next to him with a smile. “Hi,” she greets cheerily, setting a hand on Moyo’s arm and giving Jens a wave. 

Before Lucas can worry about introducing himself, Moyo is asking her if she wants a drink and disappearing from the floor. Lucas lets out a sigh of relief, thinking he’s been let off the hook, and then Jens is stepping right up to him and grabbing his hands. He shakes his head with a cheeky smile, already beginning to rotate Lucas’s arms in some form of a dance. “Nuh-uh. I can see you getting ready to run. But I gotta see this now.”

“Jens,” Lucas warns, though he does nothing to pull his hands away. Jens is so close, so warm in just his red sweater, the heat seeping right through Lucas’s grey one. 

He steps even closer, swaying as he goes, and moves his mouth to Lucas’s ear to speak over the music. “Just relax, Luc. Trust me. Okay?”

Lucas can do nothing but nod and hope Jens doesn’t notice how his breath hitches and his cheeks redden. Jens entwines their hands easily, fingers slipping through the web of Lucas’s, and Lucas’s heart gives a sharp stutter as Jens’s breath washes over his cheek. 

Jens begins to exaggerate the movement of their arms, pushing and pulling back and forth at their sides, twisting to the rhythm as he does so. Urging Lucas to do the same. Lucas still can’t manage to do much more than tilt his shoulders back and forth in time with Jens, hoping he doesn’t look too ridiculous, not used to this in the slightest. Kes and Jayden aren’t big dancers, either, and they usually stay out of this, unless they’re incredibly drunk or high or both and intent on joking around. 

It’s different, looking stupid in front of Jens, who apparently can’t look stupid even if he tries. 

He seems to notice that Lucas’s stiffness isn’t easing up, and pulls back, extending their arms between them. He tugs Lucas back in and pushes him away again, and Lucas finally feels a laugh slip out, that only intensifies when Jens guides him into a spin. Lucas lets himself be twirled under Jens’s arm, unable to stop his giggles, and he comes back around to find Jens grinning. Pleased with himself. 

Lucas raises a brow and then mimics his movements, lifting his arm and dragging Jens’s with him, pushing forward until the other boy is forced to twist around. Jens spins with slight dramatics, but when he comes back, he drops Lucas’s hands. Lucas doesn’t even have half a second to be disappointed before Jens is right back in his space and settling his hands on his waist. 

“Relax,” he murmurs again, and now he’s really, _really_ close. Lucas is gearing up to tell him there’s no way he could possibly relax now, but his shoulders are already drooping, his hips following the guide of Jens’s hands. His body reacting automatically to Jens’s command, the combination of his voice and his touch, and well, that’s interesting. 

Lucas’s heart surely shouldn’t survive beating this fast. He’s surprised he hasn’t fainted already, with how quickly his blood must be rushing. 

He sets his hands on Jens’s shoulders, because he isn’t sure what else to do with them and he needs the balance. Jens doesn’t seem to mind, keeping them moving, smiling with his face only inches away. “There we go. Now you’re getting it.”

“I absolutely am not,” Lucas snorts, but he’s smiling too. Uncontrollably. 

“You are,” Jens insists. “A foal on his new legs, but he’s getting the hang of them pretty quickly.”

Lucas shakes his head, grinning, giving the other’s shoulders a light push, regretting it instantly when Jens actually steps back. Still, he keeps his hands on Lucas’s waist, ensuring he keeps moving. It’s only now, with a bit of breathing space, that Lucas remembers where they are. He remembers the people around them, _right next to them_ , Moyo probably only gone to the kitchen, Amber and Luca and Aaron hovering around somewhere. 

He takes a quick step back, doing his best to be natural about it. To not make it appear so sudden and fearful. He doesn’t want to make things weird with Jens. More than anything, he doesn’t think he could handle being teased and watching Jens easily shut them down. He’s sure he just imagines the way Jens’s expression falls for a moment, thinks it must just be minute surprise at the adjustment, because the smile returns to his face just as quickly as it had slipped. He’s dancing into Lucas’s space again in seconds, though now he keeps his hands to himself. Now he lets some of that familiar silliness creep back in. Pulling a face, bottom lip tucked between his teeth, swiveling his head to the beat, utterly ridiculous. Lucas allows himself to laugh at him as he keeps up his own awkward swaying movements. 

It’s then that Moyo comes back, alone, cheering at the sight of Lucas finally putting in some effort. He immediately joins in on Jens’s antics, shimmying up to their sides and still coming across as oddly talented. 

Lucas surprises himself by having fun, but they make it easy. He even manages to pick up a few steps Moyo insists on teaching him, executing them even better than Jens, much to his chagrin and Moyo’s amusement. They don’t last long, though, barely making it ten minutes before Moyo is collapsing back into his seat on the sofa and Jens is perching on the arm again. Before Lucas can just plop himself down on the floor, Jens gently grabs his wrist and pulls him forward. He sits sideways to allow Lucas to sit on the spot in front of him, propped up against Jens’s leg. Lucas smiles back at him gratefully and ignores the flutter in his chest. 

Aaron has returned with Amber and Luca already, Amber comfortably tucked into his lap while Luca has taken up residence in the armchair. She winks at Lucas when he catches her gaze and Lucas grins back, sticking his tongue out at her. 

They strike up an easy conversation, full of Luca and Moyo bickering as Aaron laughs along. Lucas allows himself to relax, focusing on Jens’s heavy breathing behind him, still cooling down. After a moment, Jens puts a hand on his back to keep him steady as he slips out from behind him. When Lucas looks up at him questioningly, he simply raises a brow. “Beer?”

Lucas nods, and Jens ruffles his hair before going, slipping around the mass of people and out the doorway. Lucas shifts back into his place, leaning his elbow next to Moyo’s head, and tries to catch up on the conversation. 

It only takes a few minutes, however, for Luca to pull him into it anyway. “You’re already ditching us? And here I was thinking we had something special.”

Before Lucas can respond, Moyo snorts. “Jens said the same thing, so get in line.”

Lucas flushes. Luca just points at Moyo, undeterred. “Jens can kiss my ass. I was here first.” She looks to Lucas. “You still like me better than Jens, right?”

Lucas hesitates, lips parting as he searches for what to say. He can’t exactly tell her the truth, which is that he already isn’t sure there’s anyone he likes more than Jens. 

Moyo is already cackling next to him. “He hesitated.”

“No,” Lucas rushes to deny, but he can’t quite prevent a small smile from slipping through, and Luca’s jaw drops in disappointment. 

She heaves a sigh, shaking her head. “Whatever. I’ll never understand you boys. One day, you’ll come to your senses. One day.” She winks at him again, and Lucas can’t help but laugh, grateful for the soft smile he spots underneath her teasing. 

“No, you’re still my fave, Luca,” he ends up reassuring, smiling wide as Moyo laughs again in response. 

“Don’t let Jens hear you say that then. Where’d he go, anyway?”

He directs the question up at Lucas, and Lucas shrugs, looking towards the door as if Jens will magically appear. “Just to get a few drinks.”

“What, back in Utrecht?” Moyo laughs. “How fucking long does it take? I bet he saw a pretty girl and forgot all about it.”

Lucas frowns at that idea, feeling suddenly unsettled. Restless, at the realisation Moyo could very well be right. Jens has every reason to go off with whatever pretty girl he runs into and forget all about Lucas. 

He rolls his eyes to mask this particular thought process, patting Moyo’s shoulder as he pushes himself up. “I’ll go check and get something myself.”

Moyo nods in acknowledgment and Lucas is off, slipping easily through the small crowd in search of the kitchen. Luca’s house really is nice, the walls all painted in neutral tones and the floors modern, doors clean cut and smooth, not yet worn by decades of age. Lucas only checks one before finding the kitchen behind the next, only to instantly stop in his tracks. 

The kitchen is fairly full, groups packed around to talk and laugh in the quieter space, almost all with some type of alcohol in hand, but it’s easy to pluck Jens out of the mass. He’s off to the side of the table, two beers already in hand as he talks animatedly to a girl with long auburn hair. 

Jana. 

Lucas watches as Jens laughs at whatever she says in response, and then Jana is pulling out her phone and wrapping an arm around his neck, pulling him in until they stand cheek to cheek. Still with massive grins. Both breathtakingly beautiful. The picture perfect couple. 

Jens doesn’t step away from her after, just twists his head to look at her and say something else, and Jana tosses her head back and laughs and Lucas’s heart drops into the pit of his stomach. 

Before he has even thought about it, he’s making his way back to the other room to collect his coat. He registers Moyo’s concerned glance and questioning, asking where Jens is, and Lucas mutters out an ‘I don’t know’ as he shoves his arms into the sleeves. At Moyo’s further questions, he manages to mumble some excuse about a text along with an apology, followed by a louder goodbye to the whole group before he’s gone. 

He almost forgets that he has to walk home and he isn’t really sure where he’s going. The streets at least aren’t too dark, lit up by various streetlights, but it is cold. Lucas pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens his maps, typing in what he thinks is the address of his apartment with shaking fingers. His head is spinning, even though the only substances he’d consumed have long since worn off. His chest gives a sudden heave as he turns off the street, and then his eyes are prickling, and he feels more stupid than ever. 

This is almost worse than his years-long infatuation with Kes. At least he’d known Kes for years. 

He’s only known Jens a week. Has been his friend for even less time. He’s barely been given a chance to even set their friendship in stone, yet. 

Yet here he is, about to cry over him already. 

At least now, he’s completely ready to go home. 

He fishes out his key once he makes it to the apartment, and it takes him a few tries to get it in the lock and jiggle it open. His nose and cheeks are frosty and surely red, and his hands are numb from having to carry his phone, but at least he didn’t get lost. He’s prepared to go straight to his room to collect his bag, but he isn’t prepared for the sight of his father in the kitchen, waiting for him at the table. 

Lucas stares at him as the door falls shut and his father stands, taking a few quick steps to close the distance. Lucas just has time to register the anger in his expression before something is being shoved in his face. 

It takes another moment to realise it’s his weed. 

“What is this?” Hugo demands. “The slamming doors and ignoring me isn’t enough, so you decided to become a stoner too?”

Lucas can only blink at him. 

The man snaps his fingers in front of his face, voice raising. “Answer me, Lucas. What the hell is this? Where did you get it?”

Lucas’s mouth is dry. He has to coerce the words out. “Why the hell were you even in my room?”

His father releases an incredulous _ha_ , tossing his hands up in exasperation. “Nothing, Lucas. Nothing I’m saying is getting through to you! This is hard for everyone involved, but if you think I’m letting you off the hook with the pity card you are out of your damn mind. Is this what you hoped to do, going to live with Jayden? Get out of your mind on drugs?”

He waves the small bag in Lucas’s face, and Lucas scoffs, shoving his hand away. “It’s _weed_. You wouldn’t even get glanced at at home for carrying that around.”

Hugo drops his hand back to his side and stands up straight, staring at Lucas like he’s never seen him before. Lucas feels suddenly queasy. The pressure returns to his chest all at once, intensified by a dozen, and his breath hitches as he feels the panic creeping up. _Don’t_ , he thinks. _Don’t be ruined._

“If you think I’m going to tuck this into your pocket and send you off because it’s _just weed_ , you can think again. What’s going on? This isn’t you, Lucas.”

“How the fuck would you even know?” Lucas demands, the pressure making his voice crack as it builds behind his eyes. 

Hugo just shakes his head, filled with a disappointment he shouldn’t be capable of feeling. Since when does he care enough about Lucas, or have enough faith in him, to be disappointed? Since when does he have any faith at all? 

“You can just stay here for the weekend then. Right here, in your room. Consider the same rule applying for the next week, and however long after that it takes for you to sort yourself out.”

_No_ , Lucas thinks desperately. The thought is pleading, but he refuses to let his expression waver. 

He knows it’s useless. 

He marches to his room without another word and makes sure to slam the door behind him. His hands find their way to his hair and give a grounding tug as he leans back against the wood, cursing under his breath. 

His phone pings in his pocket, and he doesn’t have the strength to immediately dig it out. He’s sure Kes is asking if he’s on his way, and Lucas doesn’t want to tell him that he can’t come at all. That the only plans he’d been looking forward to are canceled indefinitely. 

He shrugs out of his jacket and kicks off his shoes before crawling onto his bed still fully clothed, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He holds it above himself as he thumbs open his messages. 

His throat tightens when he realises the notification had been Jens. 

**_jensrolt:_** _hey, Moyo said you left already? I was serious about walking you! have fun this weekend though. don’t miss me too much._

Lucas tosses the phone aside and pulls his pillow over his head. 


	3. Chapter 3

**_Saturday, 12:22_ **

Yesterday, 21:09

 **Kes:** _are you on the train yet??_

 **Lucas:** _I can’t come_

_dad found my weed and completely blew up and now I can’t even leave the house_

**Jayden:** _what?? so you’re not coming??_

 **Lucas:** _I’m sorry_

_fuck I hate this_

Today, 12:22

 **Kes:** _are you okay Luc?_

 **Lucas:** _this is driving me crazy_

_I want to come home_

**Jayden:** _we wanted you home too…_

_do you have anyone there to break you out???_

**Lucas:** _not right now_

 **Kes:** _not Jens?_

 **Lucas:** _no there’s nothing I can do, okay? just leave it, please_

_can I at least call you?_

**Kes:** _of course you can, always_

**_Saturday, 16:43_ **

**Song: _Ruel - Dazed & Confused_**

Jens peeks another look at his phone, but no notifications appear over the call screen. He picks the phone up and drags the top bar down, just in case there’s one he missed, but his notifications are empty. 

“Jens!”

He whips his head up to look at the screen to find that he’s about to be shot down, and he drops his phone in favour of smashing the buttons on his control. He can hear Robbe’s protests through the phone and knows, seconds before he wipes out, that he’s too late. Robbe sighs only a second later, and Jens can hear the clatter of him tossing the control away as Jens flops back on his bed. He rubs a hand over his face and manages to mumble out, “Sorry.” 

“Where’d you go?”

“Nowhere. Just didn’t notice in time.”

“Jens. I called your name like four times before you reacted.”

Jens muffles a groan behind his hands then grabs for his phone, dropping it closer to his head. Robbe stays quiet, and Jens tries to figure out what to tell him. There is no truth that seems better than the other. 

“What’s up?” Robbe prods gently, lightly, when Jens is taking too long to answer. 

He tucks his shoulders up in a shrug, even though Robbe can’t see him. “Nothing. I was just distracted.”

“By?”

Jens huffs. He licks his lips as he stares at the ceiling, thinking of how he should explain when he’s not even sure himself. But he supposes it’s just Robbe. Robbe won’t judge him. “I haven’t heard from Lucas.”

There’s a moment of silence, in which Jens feels a little judged. 

“Were you expecting to?” Robbe eventually asks, sounding more confused than anything. 

Jens heaves a sigh. “Kind of? I’d at least like to know that he’s alive.”

Robbe gives a small laugh. “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“He’s gone home for the weekend.”

“Oh. Really?”

Jens hums. 

“But wasn’t he at the party with you?”

“Yeah but that’s also the thing. He left that without even saying goodbye.”

The silence this time is less nerve-wracking, because Jens knows that Robbe is simply thinking. It makes him feel less like he’s over-exaggerating. If Robbe thinks it’s weird, too, then he isn’t overreacting. 

“When did he tell you he was going home then?”

Jens grabs his phone and pushes himself up into a sitting position. He shifts until he can flop back against the pillows, setting his phone on his stomach. “I caught up to him after school to tell him about the party and he told me he couldn’t go because he was going home. And I convinced him to just stick around and go for an hour, and he said he would if I hung out with him ‘til then. And he was super chill the whole evening. And then at the party I went to get us drinks, and I came back just to have Moyo tell me he left in a rush with no explanation.”

Robbe is quiet for another moment. Then he says, “Huh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, maybe he got a message or something? Or forgot he had to do something else before he left? I mean, that must have been a really late train you were making him get, Jens.”

“I wasn’t _making_ him stay,” Jens mumbles. Although, looking back, he’d worried the same thing. The first thought he had, when Moyo told him that Lucas had left, was that he had scared him off. Without even thinking about why at the time, the fear had instantly sunk in and settled in the pit of Jens’s stomach, and then he’d begun picking it apart. 

He’d been very insistent that Lucas stay, and that he should go to the party with _him_. He hadn’t even bothered to come up with any excuses. He’d just poked and prodded because _he_ wanted Lucas there. That thought was eased by the argument that Lucas had given in easily enough and simply requested _more time_ with Jens. 

But he hadn’t asked Jens to take him to his favourite fast food place and make him a part of his beloved tradition. He hadn’t asked Jens to guide him through the streets with quite so much physical assistance. He hadn’t asked Jens to dance with him like that. 

Jens has been very pleased, for the past week, to have a friend that feels like _his_. He’s used that as an excuse for every time he would seek Lucas out, every time he made sure Lucas was next to him, every time he sent a text only hours after seeing him in person. He was excited to have someone new that he got along with, someone who wasn’t obsessed with their relationship or too busy with their own life to pay him any attention. 

He’s just beginning to think that maybe he’s been a little _too_ excited, and it’s led him to push the boundaries with Lucas a little beyond what would be considered friendly. 

Which is a thought that opens up a whole world of questions Jens doesn’t want to answer. 

“I would understand that,” Jens continues quietly, when Robbe says nothing to rationalise his complaints. “It’s that I messaged him after to say I hope he has a good weekend and he hasn’t even read it. What if he like, got attacked on the way there or something?” Jens almost expects his friend to laugh this specific worry off, but Robbe stays quiet. It only makes the anxiety in his stomach kick up into something a little more frantic. He hadn’t even been considering that as the biggest possibility—thinking more along the lines of having freaked Lucas out and scared him off. He’s worrying now that it may have been a selfish thought and he should have genuinely been _more_ worried. 

“Do you text him often then? And he usually replies quickly?”

Jens is almost embarrassed to answer, but Robbe’s tone is merely curious and Lucas _does_ message him often and quickly. That is never one-sided. None of their interactions have felt one-sided. “Yeah, instantly almost, most of the time.”

“Okay, so I agree that it’s strange,” Robbe says softly. “But these are different circumstances. He was probably in a rush last night, and then over-eager to see his friends this morning. Maybe he hasn’t even checked his DMs.” 

“Yeah,” Jens mumbles. “Maybe.”

“Did you check to see when he was active last?”

“He hasn’t been active since yesterday. Isn’t it weird that he hasn’t posted anything either? Or that his friends haven’t?”

“You’ve already checked his friends too, then,” Robbe says, and now he sounds almost amused. 

Jens pulls a breath in through his nose before letting it out on a long sigh, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’m overthinking it, aren’t I?”

Robbe hums. Jens can hear the smile in it. “Maybe a little bit. Which is weird for you, because you usually don’t think at all.”

“Ha, ha,” Jens replies dryly. 

Robbe snorts. “It’s nice, though. That you’ve taken him in. He’s lucky to have been picked up by you.”

Jens doesn’t know about that, but his chest warms all the same. “So you think he’s okay?”

“I do. I think you would know if he wasn’t. You could text him again, just to see, but he’s supposed to be back tomorrow right? Maybe don’t worry about it until then.”

Jens sighs again. It’s harder than it probably should be, to do what Robbe says. To stop worrying. It is odd. He usually doesn’t think this much. 

But there’s the worry that Lucas really is lying hurt and half-dead in an alley somewhere, or there’s the worry that Jens had messed things up. He’s currently not a big fan of either option, and he’d really been hoping that Robbe would have provided another. 

He supposes he has. Jens feels like he _would_ know, if something had happened to Lucas, would feel it deep down in his gut where all his natural instincts lie. The worry would be more prominent than this. This is an ache in his chest and a niggle in the back of his brain telling him that something is wrong, spurred on by his own insecurities. 

Lucas probably is off having fun. With his friends. His real friends, back home, who know about his mother and his birthday and his favourite things that Jens is still in the dark about. He probably just isn’t even thinking about Jens at all. 

“You’re right,” he eventually tells Robbe. “He’s a big boy. Doesn’t need a babysitter.”

“I’m always right,” Robbe teases back. “And I do have more experience with complicated boys.”

“Do you think Lucas is complicated?”

“Everyone is complicated, Jens. Do you want to play another round?”

Jens considers, and begins to hum in agreement only for someone to knock on his door and then carefully push it open. He raises his brows as Lotte pokes her head in, with a wide, innocent smile on her face. 

“Mama wants you in the kitchen.”

“Now?” 

Robbe huffs in quiet amusement at the complaint in his voice as Lotte just nods. 

Jens sighs. “Fine. Go tell her I’ll be there in a sec.”

Lotte gives a chipper nod and skips back down the hall, leaving his door open behind her. He rolls his eyes and picks up his phone, turning off the speakerphone and bringing the device to his ear. “Sorry, duty calls. Maybe later?”

“Yeah, sure,” Robbe says easily. 

“You don’t have any plans with Sander?”

“He can just come play, too.”

“I’m not sure I want to be involved in those games,” Jens teases. 

Robbe snorts, and Jens can picture him shaking his head. “Goodbye, Jens. Let me know if you hear from Lucas, yeah?”

“Yep,” Jens promises as he finally climbs off the bed, making his way to his door and then the top of the stairs as he adds a, “Bye,” and Robbe hangs up. 

He pockets his phone and takes a steadying breath in and out through his nose as he trots down the stairs. He rounds the door into the kitchen with his hand on the frame and a complaint already on his lips. “What did you wa—“

He stops in his tracks in the doorway when he doesn’t find his mother in the room. Instead it’s a woman of a smaller stature and darker hair with her back turned to him, wearing jeans and a cropped jumper he hopes to _never_ see on his mother. She whirls around at the sound of his voice and beams. 

“Lies?”

“Hey.” His sister wiggles her brows at him as her smile brightens even further. When he continues to stand there, staring, she holds her arms out towards him and wiggles her fingers instead, brows raised. “Since when do you have nothing to say?”

Jens barrels into her and wraps her up in a tight hug, lifting her slightly off her feet. She laughs and slings her arms around his shoulders to hold herself up, pressing a kiss to his cheek and pulling fondly at his hair. 

“Hi,” Jens breathes. He sets her back down but doesn’t let go, ducking his head down to rest on her shoulder instead. “What are you doing here?”

She pulls back and tucks her hands into her pockets once Jens lets go. “Reading week.”

Jens furrows his brows and tilts his head to the side. “Isn’t that next week?”

“No, midterm is next week. This is like a study week organised by my lecturers.”

“But...you haven’t even been back that long.”

Lies rolls her eyes and pinches his cheek. “Are you happy to see me or not?” she prods. 

Jens bats her hand away with a grin. He’s tempted to hug her again. It’s weird, maybe, that he is so happy to see his older sister, but he has never really gotten used to her being away. With only a two year age gap between them, Lies had grown up alongside him without appearing miles ahead. They’ve always been close, and Jens is getting used to missing her when she leaves and counting the days until she comes home. She has always made the home environment feel better to Jens. She has, oddly enough, always been on his team—and vice versa. He isn’t alone when Lies is home. 

Which is why she usually _tells him_ when she’s coming back. 

He frowns just as quickly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Lies deflates, sighing as she performs the same drawn-out shrug as Jens. “I don’t know, college life is stressful, and I didn’t even realise I hadn’t mentioned it to you. I thought you knew. And then Mom was surprised when I mentioned it last week and I realised. Then I thought it would be a nice surprise, but…”

“It is,” Jens argues quickly. “It’s a fucking great surprise. I missed you.”

“But I only just went back,” she mocks, teasing him. He draws her in with an arm around her neck and musses her hair, earning a shriek followed by a shout of protest and a jab to the stomach. Jens’s gasp turns quickly into a laugh and he changes the hold to another short hug, smiling when Lies gives in and hugs him back. “I bet I still have more interesting stories to catch you up on than you do with me.”

“Nope,” Jens denies happily. “Not this time. I have a whole new person to tell you about.”

Lies immediately leans back and snaps her head up to look at him, eyes wide. “You got a new girlfriend?”

“No,” Jens laughs. 

She squints. “Boyfriend?”

He shoves her away with another laugh, shaking his head and ignoring the stutter of his heart. He can think about all the things that are confusing him later, when Lies isn’t carefully examining him. “ _Friend_. Lucas. He just moved from Antwerp like a week ago.”

“And you’ve already managed to corrupt him?” Lies smiles. 

Jens tilts his head side to side, smiling with her. “I’ve certainly started.”

**_Sunday, 12:40_ **

**Song: _Peter Manos - In My Head_**

Lucas is surprised his dad hasn’t come to tell him how pathetic he is yet. He supposes it isn’t necessary. Lucas is more than aware of it himself. 

He’d dragged himself out to go to the bathroom and get breakfast and managed to avoid a run-in. Now he’s curled up in his bed with the covers pulled up to his neck, trying not to feel too sorry for himself. 

It isn’t easy. 

He’s tempted to call Kes, but he’d called him yesterday, and he doesn’t want to be so needy. He’s thought about messaging Isa, but he isn’t really sure what he would say. He’s sure they’re all busy anyway. Possibly even hanging out together. Without him. As is likely the new normal already. 

Lucas had been so sure he’d found his new normal already, too, but nothing feels normal about his situation anymore. He feels more stupid than anything. He doesn’t know what he’s been thinking. He doesn’t know how he has managed to mess everything up so massively already.

Jens was offering him friendship, and of course Lucas went overboard with it. Of course he’s a fool. 

He’s spent the weekend rewatching the _vlogs_. He’s already in that deep. 

It goes against all his rules, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He can’t get any of it out of his head. He can’t stop feeling Jens’s hands on his hips, or his breath on his ear. He can’t stop remembering the pump of his heart when Jens has done nothing more than smile. He can’t stop imagining what Jens might have done, if Lucas hadn’t pulled away from their dance, if Lucas had made up for it when Jens pulled him down to sit in front of him by leaning right back against his chest. He can’t stop considering all the possibilities that have never been possible in the first place. 

He can’t stop seeing Jens with _her_ , looking entirely at home. 

He’d avoided Instagram entirely yesterday, resisting the temptation to open Jens’s message or stalk his page or Jana’s for any possible torture. He hates how dramatic his heart is being. He knew not to expect anything, and he’d let himself get much too carried away anyway. Jens had just seemed so close and so _possible_. Now Lucas is realising the boy is probably even more like Kes than he thought. 

Lucas is long over that, but there’s still a leftover sting regardless, even as he cringes at his own thoughts and thoughtless actions. It makes him feel worse, sometimes, now that the feelings have slipped away, to look back at it, but he can’t quite bring himself to regret it. 

It’s given him plenty of time to come to terms with everything. With _himself_. He can’t exactly bring himself to regret something that taught him so much. 

It just obviously hasn’t taught him _enough_. 

It’s in moments like this where a little of that self-hate returns with full force, and he can’t help wishing that he was just _normal_. It wouldn’t feel like this, if he was just crushing on a girl who didn’t return his feelings. 

He might have no proof to back this up, but he feels pretty sure of it all the same. 

It would be fine, if he thought it wouldn’t mess anything up with Jens. He’s mostly angry with himself because of how much he’s already letting it affect him. He had run from the party without even saying goodbye, and he hasn’t responded to the message that Jens had so sweetly sent him afterwards. Or to the second message Jens had sent him yesterday, saying that he hoped Lucas got there safe and was having fun. He’d laughed at the irony of it. He doesn’t know how to explain to Jens that he’s completely miserable, and that he hadn’t gone anywhere in the first place. 

He’s lying in his bed in Antwerp, and he’s giving in and clicking on Jens’s Instagram story. 

It’s a video of him at the skatepark, flying up the ramp towards the camera, grinning as he jumps off his board and pushes the person away. The responding giggles sound like they come from Robbe. He looks as beautiful as ever, and Lucas wishes more than anything that he could join them. The pained twist of his heart isn’t entirely strong enough to make him want to stay away. It’s just an additional ache. 

He escapes the app in a rush and opens Spotify, hoping to distract himself. His fingers twitch, tempted to draw, but there’s already a cramp in them. It was all he’d done yesterday. He’d needed to get his thoughts out, needed to put his emotions on paper, in something real, and endless sketches had poured out, inspired by the past few weeks. He’d sketched Sander first, stood in the art shop with his camera and his smirk. He’d sketched Luca, taking care with her curls and her glasses, one eye closed in a wink, adding extra details as he refused to pour out his mind’s main focus. 

It still hadn’t stopped him from creating a dozen sketches of Jens, most only half-completed, the image lost midway as another one came to the forefront. 

He needs a break from feeling like this, for a while. Before he remembers that he has to return to school tomorrow, where it will be unavoidable. 

He doesn’t get very far, unable to make up his mind, before a notification pops up at the top of his screen and destroys any notion of forgetting his feelings. 

Jens has messaged him again. Undeterred, it seems, by Lucas’s previous lack of response. 

_hey, you’re probably still busy but I was wondering what time you would be back? I’m at the skatepark with the boys, and we’ll probably be here until late, if you wanted to join for a while_

Before Lucas can even take this in, another message appears. 

_you’re probably staying with your friends until the evening though, so don’t worry about it_

Lucas blinks at the message with furrowed brows. At first his heart twists, thinking Jens has changed his mind and is politely telling him not to come after all. But the rushed manner in which it had been sent makes him doubt himself, and he rereads it again, searching for the purpose of it. The meaning behind it. Another thought comes to mind, but he can’t quite let himself entertain it. That can’t be right. 

There’s no way that Jens is nervous. 

It sounds an awful lot like he might be, though, the more Lucas reads it over. He begins to feel a little bad. He hadn’t thought too much on what his distance might feel like to Jens. He hadn’t considered the idea that he’s being unfair. It isn’t Jens’s fault, that Lucas feels hurt. He couldn’t possibly know. Lucas hopes that he doesn’t know. To Jens, it probably feels like Lucas is ignoring him now that he’s with his friends in Utrecht. That he simply takes a back seat. Lucas is the terrible person for knowingly hurting him this way. 

He can’t help but smile slightly, and then his hands are moving on their own, opening the message and typing a reply. 

**I’m already home**

It appears as ‘seen’ almost instantly, and it takes just as little time for the typing bubble to appear. 

_you left early? is everything okay?_

**I never went**

He watches the texting bubble appear and disappear a few times before quickly typing out another message. 

**came home to my dad waiting for me. he found my (very small) stash. wasn’t pleased.**

The typing bubble doesn’t appear for long now. 

_shit_

_grounded? I was wondering why you hadn’t replied_

Lucas hadn’t even realised that he was creating the perfect out for himself. It’s that simple. It probably makes sense, that his grounding would include a lack of phone privileges. It isn’t too extreme, especially if it includes the idea that he’d already gotten it back. He could let Jens believe that his father had dished out that mini, extra punishment. He won’t even be lying. Not really. He just won’t be mending Jens’s incorrect assumption. Skipping over a tiny detail. 

**yep. I am to remain in this house indefinitely**

_fuck_

_he couldn’t be convinced to let you out for even an hour?_

Lucas blinks. 

Could his father be convinced? 

Can Lucas? 

He doesn’t have to think about it too long.

**let’s check**

He locks his phone and slips out of bed, suddenly eager. Determined. Still, he’s slow and quiet as he opens his door, and he winces at the faint creak of the hinges. He tiptoes up the hallway towards the kitchen, running through what he should say, giving himself a bit of extra time. He needs to go into this with patience. He needs to stay resolute. His father will shut him down the instant he blows up, so he simply needs to keep his cool. Throw in some persuasion. It’ll be difficult, probably, but not impossible. Hopefully. 

Only his father isn’t in the kitchen, or the adjoining sitting room. Lucas furrows his brows in confusion and moves back down the hallway. The bathroom is unlocked and empty, and his father’s door lies open, proving without any doubt that the room is unoccupied. He’s completely alone in the flat. 

His heart thrums and his mind races in time with the quickening beat. He’s not the most passive person in the world, and he wouldn’t let himself be walked over, and he’s not a model citizen. This isn’t too far past his realm of disobedience. 

His father is already beyond pissed, and while Lucas initially cringes at the thought, he shrugs it off. 

Might as well go the extra mile. 

He heads back to his room and pulls a sweater on over his t-shirt, a light pastel green Isa had once bought him. He snatches his denim jacket from the hook by the front door and swipes up his keys as he shrugs it on. He hesitates for half a second before returning to collect his skateboard from his room, and then he’s off. 

**I’m on my way**

Jens’s response is instant. 

_fucking nice :D_

Lucas’s lips quirk, and he shakes his head slightly, and feels unbearably fond. Jens is so easy. Everything he does is so easy. He’s a steadily burning flame, bright and warm and sure, and Lucas is another brainless moth. Drawn in and set alight. 

He doesn’t even know how he’s managed to develop such a ridiculous crush so quickly. He just hopes he can get rid of it in the same manner. Maybe he should be giving himself more time, especially now that he has a genuine excuse. He could have stepped neatly away from Jens for a while with the excuse of his imprisonment and Jens would understand. Lucas knows he would. He knows that would be the best thing to do. It’s unfair to Jens and himself to indulge these feelings, the excitement and the urgency and the pleasure at the mere idea of seeing him. 

But Lucas has been miserable the past few days, and it’s starting to make his head whir in much more dangerous directions. He just needs to appease it for a moment. He just needs to see Jens once and let his heart quiet. 

He’ll be pleased, at this stage, to see any of them. It makes sense for him to want to join as many of these outings as he can. He’s just beginning to fit into this friend-group.

The skatepark is relatively full, as to be expected for a Sunday afternoon, but it takes Lucas no time to find them. His eyes seek out Jens automatically and he finds him easily where he’s now sat at the top of the half pipe, laughing at someone Lucas doesn’t bother looking at and occasionally glancing at his phone. Lucas has to pause for a second and gather himself, squashing down the mixed emotions that bubble up and plastering on a smile. 

It’s only when he’s halfway towards him that he does a double take, catching sight of white-blonde hair. His smile slips into something more real, and some of his familiar bounce returns to his step as he heads towards them. 

“Yo, Lucas!” The cheer comes unexpectedly from Moyo, and Lucas twists around until he can see him, jogging in the same direction to meet him as he finally stops next to Jens, kicking up his skateboard and catching the tip in his hand. 

Jens smiles up at him, left eye squinting more than the right against the sun. He’s still wearing just a shirt and a deep red hoodie, but he looks soft and warm and pleased as Lucas sits down next to him. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Lucas returns, feeling uncharacteristically shy, nerves twisting in his chest. The party and the hours before it skim through his mind, and then the hours after and all of yesterday when he’d attempted to purge himself of all unwanted feelings, pushing this boy away in the process. He doesn’t deserve the easy friendship Jens has handed him. He’s taken advantage of such an innocent thing, and Jens has absolutely no idea. He wouldn’t look so fond if he did. 

“You got grounded?” Moyo questions him as he swings up next to them, dropping down on Jens’s other side with furrowed brows. 

Lucas shrugs, twisting his hands together in his lap. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“What? Why?”

Lucas twists around to look at Robbe, who has finally detached himself from his boyfriend long enough to notice Lucas’s presence and migrate over. Lucas catches Sander’s gaze over his shoulder and Sander brightens, slipping around Robbe to greet him. Lucas allows him to clasp their hands together with a grin, but ducks away when he moves to ruffle his hair. 

“My little protégé. I was starting to think these idiots were never going to let me see you again.” 

Lucas huffs, shaking his head as Sander simply drops down to sit cross-legged behind him. Robbe looks at Lucas and rolls his eyes fondly, and Lucas watches with a twist in his stomach as he sits down behind Sander, wrapping his limbs around him and letting him settle back against his chest. “You say that like I listen to them.”

Sander raises his brows at this, nodding approvingly, and this is when Jens makes a small noise in the back of his throat, strangled with confusion. 

Lucas looks at him to see him glancing between him and Sander in deep concentration. “Have you already met?”

“Yeah, on Thursday at the art shop,” Sander says easily. “We had a very educational chat.”

Lucas snorts, thinking of the mini lesson Sander had given him on all his favourite dead, supposedly-gay artists as he led him around the store and then to an ice cream stand down the street, instantly winning Lucas’s heart. It may not have been the most educational experience, but it had been enough for Lucas to learn that Sander is someone he could get along with. 

Jens swivels to look at Robbe. “You knew about this?”

Robbe hums. “Yeah?”

“Since when?”

“That night?”

Sander takes in Jens’s expression of utter betrayal and snorts, and Lucas can’t help but raise his own brow in amusement as Jens turns his pout towards him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lucas tilts his head. “Why was I supposed to?” 

Jens struggles to form a response to that, pout deepening, and Lucas really wishes he’d stop doing things like that. He wishes he would stop treating them as if they are so close, the way Robbe and Sander are close, sharing everything automatically and having a sunk-in understanding. He wishes Jens would make it easier for Lucas to let go of this idea of something more between them. 

Sander knocks his leg against Lucas’s arm to get his attention, and his expression is dramatically serious. “Jens just gets a little jealous,” he mock-whispers, loud enough even for Moyo to hear him and let out a snort. 

Jens’s pout shifts into a scowl and he rolls his eyes, and Sander knocks a leg against him instead in some semblance of apology. He raises his brows at Lucas, however, in a silent ‘told you’. 

“What, you don’t seriously think Sander is going to steal me away or something, do you?” Lucas can’t help but tease, raising his brows in interest. 

Moyo butts in with a laugh of his own, gesturing at Sander and hitting Jens’s arm. “Sander is basically a part of the group anyway, man. Where would he go?”

“That’s not the point,” Jens mumbles, mostly under his breath. Before anyone can question him on it, he’s turning back to Lucas and asking, “How’d you get your dad to let you out, anyway?”

Lucas shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “I didn’t. He wasn’t there, so I just left.”

“Ahh, a little rebel,” Sander teases. 

Robbe huffs a laugh. “A match made in heaven.” 

“Don’t encourage them,” Jens protests, leaving Sander sticking his tongue out at him. His gaze turns concerned as he looks at Lucas. “Won’t that make it worse for you when you get back?” 

Lucas isn’t sure it can get much worse, but he can say with certainty that this is the happiest he’s been this weekend. It’s bad. This familiar warmth flooding through his chest under Jens’s gaze. It would probably be best for him, to be locked up at home. 

But he can’t bring himself to regret this, either. 

He gives another shrug, allows himself to smile, allows himself to enjoy how easily Jens returns it when he says, “It’ll be worth it.”

**_Monday, 08:18_ **

**Song: _Loud Luxury - Love No More_**

Jens taps at the book laid out in front of him, shivering slightly in his coat. His head feels heavy and his eyes are still drooping and the focus he desperately needs right now feels distant. He skims over the words and takes very little of it in, his brain too sluggish to process what he’s being asked, nevermind attempt to give an answer. 

“Hey, you’re not usually here this early.”

He looks up to find Jana sliding onto the bench across from him, tugging her coat sleeves down over her hands. She shrugs off her bag and drops it onto the seat next to her, and Jens takes that to mean she’s staying. 

“Uh, yeah.” He glances once more at the books in front of him. “Last minute homework attempt. I don’t think I’m going to get it done, though.”

“Ah,” Jana frowns. She tilts her head, stretching forward to examine the page in front of her. “Do you want me to help?”

Jens merely purses his lips and looks at her, amused. It takes a moment for her to look up at him, and then she scoffs at his expression, rolling her eyes. Her expression quickly shifts into a smile, however, as he laughs, and he’s thankful for how comfortable it feels. 

It’s not that it’s been hard, being friends with her. It just hasn’t been very easy. 

“Don’t look at me like that, it was a genuine offer,” Jana scolds, crossing her arms on the table.

“That’s what scares me,” Jens says seriously. Jana leans across the table and smacks his shoulder and he laughs again. “Why are you here early?”

Jana’s sigh turns into a yawn, and she drops her head down to rest her chin on her arms. “I was supposed to be meeting Zoë.”

“Is there a but?”

“But she told me she’d be late when I was already on my way here,” Jana huffs, still smiling. Always smiling, nowadays. So much brighter than she had been when she was with him. 

He smiles sympathetically, nodding. “I wish I could be more entertaining company.”

She waves him off. “Don’t let me keep you from your work. I might take a five minute power nap,” she jokes. 

Jens kind of wishes they didn’t have to joke and he could go back to sleep for about five hours, but he blows out a breath and refocuses instead. It shouldn’t really be that hard, he thinks, he should probably know this. But the more he stares, the more letters and numbers blur together into nonsense and he loses his train of thought again. Over and over and over. He bites back a groan, deciding a breakdown in front of his ex probably isn’t the way to go, and debates attempting to Google the problem instead of simply giving up. He should have stayed that half an hour in bed. 

A flash of blue catches his eye as he daydreams, avoiding making up his mind, and his mood is instantly lifted. The boy has just walked through the gates, ignorant to their presence. That leaves an unpleasant feeling settling in Jens’s stomach, so he lifts his arm in a wave. 

“Luc,” Jens calls after him, his waving failing to get his attention. Lucas turns and takes a minute to seek him out, and then his lips upturn in a smile and the dormant butterflies in Jens’s stomach kick to life. He doesn’t let them affect him beyond an indiscernible twitch of his brow, is able to squash the feeling down and still wave Lucas over as Jana twists to look at him. 

Jens takes the excuse to ignore his work and give the other boy his full attention as he stops and hovers awkwardly at the side of the table, glancing between them with slight discomfort. He softens, however, as Jens smiles up at him, and greets them with a soft, “Hey.”

“Hey.” Jana beats Jens at returning the greeting, easy and charming as she grins back at Lucas, and Jens feels something new twist in his gut. 

He slides down the bench in hopes of Lucas’s soothing presence acting as a balm, and he does relax minutely as the boy settles next to him, bumping his elbow casually. He shrugs off his bag and reaches a hand up to smooth out his hair and Jens curls his hand atop his book. 

He really needs to stop reacting like this. 

“You weren’t packed up and moved out of the country then?” 

Lucas huffs, shaking his head with a smile. “No, surprisingly. Why, were you worried about me?”

Jens places a hand on his chest. “I would have felt very responsible.”

“Responsible for what?” Jana questions, not prying, genuinely confused, and Jens doesn’t know why he kind of forgot she was there. 

“I’m technically grounded, but this one,” Lucas juts his thumb at Jens, “convinced me to sneak out yesterday.”

Jens straightens instantly. “I did no such thing. I had no idea you were going to sneak out, and you took very little convincing.”

Lucas shrugs, sniffs, hides a smile. “You’re just lucky I managed to make it back before him.”

Jens rolls his eyes as Jana asks, “What did you get grounded for?”

“My dad found my weed,” Lucas says simply. “I think he’s kind of already getting over it, though.”

Jens imagines himself in the same scenario. “My dad would kill me.”

“No, your dad’s nice,” Jana argues, smiling easily as she shakes her head at him, and Jens feels some of his discomfort return. His dad has always been nice to Jana. He’s always been nice to _Jens_. It’s a valid enough assumption for her to make, and it doesn’t sit quite right with Jens all the same. 

He searches for a way to smoothly change the subject, but Lucas is already there, looking at him with hidden concern. “The biggest loss is my stash, but luckily there’s a very nice guy willing to share.”

A soothing balm. Jens couldn’t be more grateful. 

He glances around them teasingly anyway. “Really? Where is he?”

Jana laughs as Lucas punches his shoulder, and it’s strange, something about it, so incredibly strange, but it’s nice. It feels good. It’s odd, when Lucas shares a look with her, and they roll their eyes together, and it doesn’t feel like the old combined teasing with Robbe. It’s odd, but Jens won’t question it. He’ll let himself be pleased. 

Lucas braces his arm on the table and rests his head on his hand and nods at the book in front of Jens. “Were you using that before I got here or are you just trying to look studious?”

Jens, being reminded of his unfinished work, no longer feels soothed. He lifts his pencil and taps it against the question he’d been working on, the only one left that he couldn’t quite get. “I was, but I think I’ve just given up.”

Lucas smiles slightly and grips the corner of the book. “You want me to look?”

Jens makes a ‘go ahead’ gesture and Lucas slides the book towards himself, eyes picking out the question with much better focus than Jens had been managing. Jens sets his cheek in his hand and watches him. A little furrow forms in his brow as he concentrates, and his lips part just the slightest bit around the words, and his little mole stands out in full focus in the chill morning light. Jens finds himself smiling at all of these separate elements, not paying any attention to Jana’s focus still settled on them across the table. 

“X is seventeen,” Lucas says simply, after roughly three minutes of study, and Jens blinks at him in disbelief. 

“What?” 

Lucas looks up at him and raises a brow. “The answer? X is equal to seventeen.”

“Did you just fucking do that in your head?”

“Yeah.” Lucas flits his gaze from Jens to Jana, taking in their equally confused expressions, and shrinks a little. “Why, how long have you been working on this?”

Jens groans and drops his head onto the table and Lucas laughs, tugging gently at his hood. “Come on, you have the answer now.”

“Yeah, but she always asks how we did it and I have no fucking idea what just happened in your head,” Jens sighs, looking up at him again. 

Lucas smiles fondly, shaking his head and holding out a hand. “So give me your pencil.”

Jens perks up. “Really?”

Lucas simply hums, and waits, so Jens passes him his pencil in mild awe and immense gratitude. Lucas laughs slightly at his expression and steals his notebook and writes out the detailed version of the answer. Jens looks to Jana, who lifts her shoulders in a shrug but watches Lucas with an equally amazed smile. 

“I think he deserves some of your free stash for that,” Jana tells Jens, and Lucas laughs again, and Jens thinks he might even be able to get used to this.

**_Tuesday, 18:47_ **

**Song: _EDEN - how to sleep_**

Lucas seizes up as the front door opens, gathering himself up and pushing to his feet. If he does it naturally, he can probably slip to his room without his father protesting too much. He can probably excuse himself with homework. He won’t have to interact, not properly. 

His plan would work perfectly, in normal circumstances. Normal circumstances just usually don’t involve running into a moving skeleton three steps into the hallway. 

He’s mildly embarrassed by the squeak he lets out, and by the pitch of his voice as he screeches, “What the fuck?”

His father curses under his own breath, moving the skeleton flapping in his arms out of his face, and mutters, “Language.” 

“Dad,” Lucas sputters as the dummy is shoved into his hands. “What the hell is this?”

Hugo ushers him back into the sitting room, following behind with shopping bags hanging heavily from his hands. He dumps them on the coffee table and takes the skeleton out of Lucas’s arms to prop him up on the couch, watching them with a gaping, toothy grin. “Halloween decorations.”

Lucas bites back the urge to sarcastically thank him for stating the obvious and chooses to further his question. “Why?”

After the scoldings Lucas has gotten over the past few weeks, watching his father turn to him with his hands on his hips is a rather nerve-wracking thing. The smile on his face, however, turns out to be the most disconcerting. “So we can decorate.”

“We?”

“I thought it would be something nice to do together,” Hugo shrugs. 

Lucas blinks at him. He feels the need to tread cautiously. He’s very worried that he’s somehow being played, in an oddly surprising way. “But...Halloween is in four days.” 

“Exactly.”

“Everyone else has had their houses decorated for weeks.”

“Yeah, but we’ve only been getting moved in. We have the best excuse.”

Lucas continues to stare at him. 

Hugo sighs, rubbing his hand over his brow, gesturing at the skeleton. “Do you have to be such a moody teen over everything? I bought a skeleton, buddy.”

The old nickname softens Lucas a little bit. Just a little. He looks at the skeleton once more. Flimsy, about three-quarters the height of Lucas, black smudges dotting his gray-toned bones. The right number of ribs, missing a tooth (with another cracked), eye sockets deeply sunken. Just on the realistic side of cartoonish. 

Lucas asks, “What’s his name?”

His father grins proudly. “Tim.”

“Tim?”

“Same as one of my old-coworkers. Piece of work himself. One of the know-it-all types. Even worse than a moody teenager.”

Lucas can’t help it. He snorts. “Poor Tim.”

His father waves a hand at him. “Well, he’s a member of the household now. A blessedly silent member.”

Lucas raises his brows. He examines the skeleton once more, then leans forward and gently picks up its left arm. He presses the small button on the inside of its wrist. 

Tim’s eyes flash red as his jaw drops open in evil, mechanical laughter. 

Hugo jumps and curses under his breath again and Lucas lets out a laugh, delighted. He leans back in to grip Tim around the waist, picking him up and drawing that same arm around his shoulder, playing with the skeletal fingers. It’s unexpected. To be turning to his father with a grin, to feel the remnants of laughter settling cosily in his stomach. He _likes_ it, and he likes the soft smile that lightens his father’s eyes, and he likes the comfort of the small space when it lacks the tension and the animosity of the previous few days, of the past week. 

He asks, carefully, “What else did you get?”

His father beams. He moves to the bags on the table and begins pulling banners out of the way, followed by a packet of bats and pumpkin lights and various other witchy products. Lucas feels his pleasure grow at each new item and nods approvingly. 

“Good idea?” 

Lucas nods, humming. “You’ve definitely had worse.”

The man accepts the jibe with nothing more than a small shrug. “You happy enough to take an hour to do it now? I’ll start hanging these around the place and you can get Tim situated. Maybe somewhere around the door?”

“Sounds good,” Lucas agrees. He grips Tim’s arm tighter and carries him out into the hallway, making sure to press the little button once more as he passes his father. He chuckles at the swears he receives in response. 

It’s almost therapeutic. Even as the desire to let Tim’s bones scatter on the street grows, there’s something simplistic and soothing about decorating the place. Something that makes it feel a little more like it’s his. A little more like a home. It helps that he loves Halloween. He loves the spookiness, the eeriness, the beauty in the horror. It’s satisfying, watching the angry little pumpkin faces emit a stunningly bright glow. There’s a sort of poetry to all of it, he supposes, to the veil around the world becoming foggy, to the masks people wear becoming visible. 

There’s an artistry, too, that he appreciates more than anything. The sharpness, the otherworldliness, the darkness. The meaning under it all, of the in-between. 

Beauty in the horror. 

He supposes there’s a little beauty, too, in doing it together. They work together to hang the string-lights up in the hall, and the silence isn’t strained or uncomfortable. It’s companionable, filled with little huffs of laughter as one or the other gets caught, or trips, or drops the line. The usual simmering anger that sits in his chest is entirely absent, just for these few moments. 

“You used to love Halloween when you were a kid,” his father says suddenly, and Lucas glances over at him. “Your mom always avoided buying stuff she thought would scare you, but you never flinched at any of it. You wanted all the weird loud things that used to make Kes bawl his eyes out. The only things you didn’t want were the spiders.”

Lucas laughs at the idea of little Kes, terrified, and Lucas enjoying scaring him as he had with his dad today. He remembers how his friend would retaliate, finding the biggest fake-spider in the place and sneaking up to set it on Lucas’s shoulder. He’d only stopped at the age of twelve, when Lucas had given him the silent treatment for a week in response. “I did notice you didn’t bring any of those back.”

“I do pay attention, sometimes. I also remember that you liked it most because of all the sweets.”

“You could have just brought back a cake,” Lucas agrees lightly, shooting him a grin. 

“Yeah, but we couldn’t have shared that. You would’ve eaten it all yourself.”

Lucas laughs quietly, realising he can’t argue, that there’s plenty of proof in the past to refute anything he would say. There’s a calm that has settled over him, and he relishes in it. 

For a moment. 

“Hey, Luc,” his father starts slowly, and some of the tension in Lucas returns. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you. It’s a big change, and a bad age to be making it, and I don’t know how many times I can apologise for it before you’ll forgive me.”

Lucas tacks his end of the lights to the wall and listens carefully. 

“I should be making it easier for you, but I think it’s pretty obvious that I just have no idea how. It used to be so easy for us, too, you know? I used to know you so well. Now I keep stuffing up.”

Lucas slowly lowers his hands to his sides and turns to face him. “Dad,” he starts, but the man shakes his head. 

“I was harsh on you the other night. And the week before that. I know that. I just don’t know what else to do. You don’t let me in. I can only react to what I see. And maybe I overreacted, but I only do what I think is right. I think what worried me most, about the weed, is that it didn’t surprise me. And now, I know, it’s probably natural to all of you nowadays and it might not surprise many, but it’s more that—well it didn’t surprise me that you managed to hide it from me. It was just another nail in the coffin.”

“I don’t hide everything from you,” Lucas says quietly. “You surprise me a lot more often.”

“I know,” Hugo says, just as gentle, abandoning his task to turn to Lucas too. “I know, buddy, and I am sorry. I’m trying to do better. But I need you to try with me.”

Lucas swallows thickly, averting his gaze to his feet for a moment. There’s a war going on in his chest, the childish urge to hold onto this leverage over his father and the desperate desire to give in, to claw for some semblance of harmony. Beyond all of it, canceling out all the rest, is the whisper that whatever answer he gives won’t matter. The harmony could never last, and he’s stupid to hold onto that tiny bit of hope, a tattered little shred he hadn’t even realised he held. 

But it’s this little whisper that strengthens his resolve, that makes him return his gaze to the man before him and give a tiny nod. 

“Okay. I will. Promise.”

His dad squeezes his shoulder, and none of his anger returns at the contact. He leans into it, and he lets himself hope. 

Hugo lets him go and moves to tack up the middle of the string-lights. “So as it’s my proposal, I feel like I should make the first move, and say if you wanted to have a few friends or something over for Halloween, that would be okay.” He pauses. “You have friends here, right?”

Lucas huffs. “Yes, I have managed to make friends here. But everyone will be going out for Halloween. They know I’m not allowed out, so they probably already have plans, or whatever.”

The realisation settles in that this may very well be true, and it’s another sting settling in his heart. He’s still too invested, much too invested, and he still hasn’t figured out what to do about it. Managing his emotions felt a lot easier when he was pretending—even with himself—that he didn’t have any. 

Now every time he sees Jens without him, he aches, and when he sees Jens with Jana, he breaks, and when he sees Jens _at all_ , he has various emotions that he really doesn’t want to think about in such close proximity to his father. 

His father, who is currently frowning at him in genuine concern. “You really think so? Surely good friends would make the effort to include you.”

Lucas thinks of Jens messaging him about meeting up even while thinking he was in a different country. Of Jens dragging him to the party a few days before that. Always of Jens. 

He directs his gaze back down to the ground and shrugs. “Maybe. But I wouldn’t ask that of them. I haven’t even known them that long.”

Hugo sighs and makes his way back to the kitchen, leaving Lucas to stand alone for a moment before following. They hang up half a packet of bats before the older man says, “A curfew is still kind of a punishment, right?”

Lucas whips his head up to look at him. He’s focused on the bat in his hands, unwilling to look at his son and the excitement suddenly building in him. “Yes, definitely. Better than grounding, really. More embarrassing. Will definitely get me laughed at.”

“So, say, if you wanted to go out with these friends of yours. That would be okay, as long as you’re back by midnight?”

Lucas nods quickly. Much too quickly. 

Hugo’s eyes narrow. “Midnight’s too good, isn’t it?”

“No, of course not, midnight is super lame.”

“No, make it ten.”

“Ten?” Lucas tosses his hands up. His dad turns to look at him, now raising his brows in challenge. “Eleven,” Lucas counters. 

The man considers him. “Ten-thirty. Final offer.”

“Midnight was your first offer!”

Brows are raised further. 

Lucas blows out a breath and turns on his heel to collect more bats. “Ten-thirty.”

It takes ten more minutes of hanging decorations before Lucas chances asking. 

“So, does this mean I can have my weed back?”

His father stares at him. “Buddy, I might not be able to stop you from smoking it, but I can’t just _give it to you_. I have some parenting skills, you know.”

“It could be bonding! We could share that too.”

“Nice try. Give me that orange tinsel. We’ll give Tim a little sparkle.”

**_Wednesday, 19:24_ **

**Isa:** _Luccc_

 **Lucas:** _Iessss_

_okay no sorry before you say anything. I know I’ve been absent_

_how are you???_

**Isa:** _nobody cares about me how are YOU???_

_and who are all these pretty boys popping up on your insta???_

**Lucas:** _just some new friends_

 **Isa:** _the last time I called you you were still sad with no friends_

_I’m calling rn and you’re giving me details!!!_

**_Thursday, 13:03_ **

**Song: _Luke Wild - Easier To Lie_**

Jens watches Lucas smiling at his phone with something clenching in his chest. He’s been tapping away at it all through lunch, while still managing to keep up with the Broerrrs. Jens has been cracking dumb jokes the whole hour, trying to get him to pay attention. He’s only ever rewarded with the same small smile and amused shake of the head. None of the other boys seem to notice, or care much, until Lucas lets out a small laugh at whatever’s on his screen. 

They look at him then, Robbe tilting his head curiously around Jens and being the first to broach the topic. “What are you giggling at?”

It takes a moment for Lucas to realise he’s the one being spoken to, to look up and find them all looking back. He blushes slightly at the attention, a pretty red tone creeping into his cheeks, but his smile is casual and unembarrassed. “Nothing, just my friend Isa back home.”

“Just a friend?”

The words slip out before Jens can stop them, unprompted and damning. He resists the urge to look away when he finally has Lucas’s attention, fighting against the heat threatening to redden his own cheeks. His tone had come out light enough, and he keeps his smile the same. He makes the question seem like nothing more than a gentle tease. 

“Ahh, is it a special friend?” Moyo adds in, grin cheeky, leaning across the table towards Lucas. 

Lucas simply huffs through his smile, shaking his head in denial. “She’s my best friend’s ex.”

“So?” Moyo raises a brow.

“So...it’d be wrong of me to even go there.”

Moyo snorts. “In this group,” he gestures at Jens and Robbe, “there’s no such thing as off limits.”

Lucas sets his phone down on the table and furrows his brows, looking at the boys with a confused smile. “What?”

“Moyo.” Jens looks at him in warning, giving a minute shake of his head as Robbe picks at his sleeve next to him. 

Moyo keeps his gaze on Jens for a moment before shrugging at Lucas. “It’s like three separate long stories, man.”

Jens sighs, closing his eyes as Robbe sits up. “Okay, before you make us sound like the assholes, maybe let us speak for ourselves, yeah?”

Moyo holds his hands up. “Bad joke. Sorry.”

“I wouldn’t think you guys are assholes.” Lucas looks between the three of them. “At least, I don’t think you’d set out with the intention of hurting anyone. But you don’t have to tell me,” he adds hastily. 

Jens stays quiet, leaning forward and pressing his elbows to the wood of the table, staring through the gap between his friends. It’s difficult, not looking at Lucas when he can feel his gaze, intent and curious. 

Robbe, on the other hand, is able to look across at Lucas and give a vague explanation. “He just means that we...could have made some better decisions going into relationships. With Sander and I,” Robbe pauses, licking his lips. “We both still had girlfriends the first time we kissed, for example. And it...complicated some things after that.”

Jens bumps Robbe’s shoulder in a small sign of support, before he can tumble too far back into the memory. Lucas doesn’t seem disgusted or disappointed by the revelation, and his confusion seems to come from one small piece of information. 

“You had a girlfriend?”

Robbe shrugs, and his smile is tight. “I had a few.”

“But you said you’re…”

“I am gay. I just didn’t want to be, at the beginning.”

Lucas’s expression turns soft, much more understanding and sympathetic than the boys had managed to be when Robbe came out. It pokes and prods at the sliver of curiosity in Jens’s mind, the little part that asks if Lucas looks _too_ understanding. He shoves the thought away instantly, reminding himself that it isn’t his place, convincing himself that it doesn’t _matter_ , that he shouldn’t care. 

“That doesn’t make you sound like an asshole,” Lucas says softly. “It sounds like you went about something a little the wrong way, but that it was still necessary. That you would’ve been a lot worse off if you hadn’t done it. And from what I’ve seen of Sander when he’s with you, I’m betting the same goes for him.”

Robbe’s face instantly lights up in a grin, gratitude emanating from him in waves. Jens takes it in and looks to Lucas with warmth spreading through his chest. He’s been hoping, quietly, that at least Robbe would share his fondness of this new boy, and he feels an irrational pride at the thought of Lucas earning his full approval. Jens has always trusted Robbe’s opinion most. If he likes Lucas, surely Jens hasn’t gone too far wrong. 

“It probably would’ve been good to have you here a year ago,” Aaron tells Lucas, scratching at his shoulder and sharing a glance with Moyo. 

“Maybe it’s also good that you weren’t.” Moyo’s smile is a mixture of sheepish and apologetic, and he turns it from Lucas to Robbe, only relaxing when Robbe gives a small shake of his head. 

Jens bumps elbows with Lucas and does his part of the peacemaking. “Either way, I think it’s awesome you’re here now.”

“Well, I haven’t heard your story yet,” Lucas reminds him. It’s joking, teasing, and Jens deflates all the same. He knows, like Robbe, he went about things the wrong way. He’s always told himself that he was better off for it, too. 

It’s just that he didn’t get the same happy ending, and it makes his story seem a little more regretful, and a lot more pathetic. 

“Right.” Jens licks his lips, realising he has no idea where to start or how. Lucas watches him expectantly, but with patience, gaze already so understanding, and Jens can’t form any words. 

He’s saved from having to by Yasmina, who he hadn’t noticed approaching. She stops at the table with a bright greeting, which they all return as Moyo slides down the bench to make room for her, nudging Aaron out of the way. She perches next to him with an easy smile and directs her initial attention to Lucas. 

“Hi. Lucas, right?” Lucas nods and gingerly accepts the handshake she offers. “I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself before, I’ve been missing out on all the parties. I’m Yasmina.”

“Oh, right.” Lucas brightens. “Amber speaks highly of you. I was wondering when I’d get the pleasure.”

She raises her brows at him as she sets her chin on her palm, and she’s still smiling. “Charmer. These boys could have been doing with you from the beginning.”

“You love us,” Moyo argues, grin cheeky, and Yasmina rolls her eyes. 

“She loves _me_ ,” Robbe corrects, and Yasmina rolls her eyes again, but she smiles at him, and they know he’s right. 

“But you love me more,” she points at him, and it’s Robbe’s turn to raise his brows in curiosity. “Which is why you’ll come to Senne’s Halloween party tomorrow?”

She clasps her hands in front of her hopefully, and while Robbe falters, the shake of his head is resolute. “I don’t think this weekend is going to work for Sander and I.”

Yasmina frowns, but it’s understanding. Moyo, however, appears unimpressed. “For Sander and you, or just for Sander?” At the pause that follows, he shakes his head. “Robbe, you don’t have to babysit him. He will survive a few hours on his own while you go out with your friends. And it’s not even Halloween night, you can still spend that like, cuddling or whatever other gross shit you do with all the shitty candy we get.”

Jens glances at Lucas, and though he looks lost, he doesn’t ask. He catches Jens’s gaze and accepts the apologetic shrug he offers without so much as a questioning look. 

When Robbe looks at him, however, it’s entirely questioning. “Will you go?”

“You’re all obviously invited,” Yasmina agrees, still quietly hopeful. 

“I don’t know.” Jens resists the urge to sneak another peek at Lucas, not wanting to make his reasons obvious. He doesn’t want Lucas to feel left out. 

Truthfully, he just doesn’t really want to go if Lucas won’t be there. He’d made that decision at the start of the week, when the party had first been mentioned. 

“Jens, you have to go.” Lucas hits his arm, and Jens whips around to look at him. “Who’s gonna share the bath with me otherwise?”

Jens’s brows fly up. “I thought you were grounded.”

“Not since Tuesday, after a bunch of Halloween decorations and heartfelt talks and a little bargaining. I have a ten-thirty curfew though.”

Moyo snorts, and Jens and Lucas both shoot him a look. “Oh, come on. That’s a bit funny.”

Yasmina shakes her head and smiles approvingly at Lucas. “I’m actually glad. I won’t feel so out of place. Especially,” she adds, twisting back around to Robbe, “if you also come with.”

“Wait, Jens hasn’t even said he’s going yet,” Robbe protests.

Jens is still staring at Lucas. “So, you’re not grounded.”

“Nope,” he pops the ‘p’. “And I’m already in the Halloween spirit. So you have to take me.” 

Jens thinks of the few decorations Lies had berated them into putting up at the weekend, taking Lotte with her to pick them out and coercing Jens into all the hard work. He can’t imagine either of his parents being the ones to initiate it, to make an effort towards the festivities for the joy of their children. They wouldn’t have the time. 

But Lucas seems filled with joy at the simple prospect of it, and he’s giving Jens his time. 

“I’m going,” Jens tells Robbe. 

Moyo snorts again. “Well, me too. And I’m sure Aaron is already one half of fucking Romeo and Juliet or some shit.”

Aaron perks up. “Do you think Amber will want to do a couples costume?”

Moyo looks at him for a moment, then shakes his head. “You’re ridiculous, man.”

The others are already awaiting Robbe’s answer, all staring him down pleadingly, and he brings his shoulders up in a half-shrug before giving in with a sigh. “Okay.”

Yasmina cheers, stretching her arm across the table for a high five. Jens adds onto the celebration with a pat to Robbe’s shoulder, and he catches and returns Lucas’s smile as the chatter continues around them. 

**_Friday, 20:42_ **

**Songs: _Daniel Blume - Nights Like This; Selena Gomez - Feel Me_**

Lucas feels ridiculous. 

They haven’t been at the party long, and he’s spent the whole time hiding away along the sidelines. He’d made the mistake of asking his dad to get him a costume, _anything, it just has to be a costume, it won’t be that bad_. He couldn’t help it, on short notice, with his grounding still somewhat in place and homework beginning to mount up. He’d expected something simple, a crappy zombie costume or maybe a skeleton. Something simplistic. Casual. 

He should’ve known better. He should have prepared himself to have to come to the party as a _prince_. 

He’s not even a cool prince. He looks like he walked straight out of a Disney movie, and an animated one at that. He’s just glad there are no frills or over-bright colours. The deep blue is comforting enough, but he still feels weird. 

Robbe snorts next to him. “Stop fidgeting. I told you you look good, didn’t I?”

Lucas hums, and continues pulling at his sleeves. 

“Lucas, seriously.” Robbe reaches out to still his hands, moving to stand in front of him. “I’m literally wearing the same costume as last year. With the same fake blood.” 

Lucas grimaces. 

“Yeah, exactly. _You_ look hot. And you have to believe my opinion.”

Lucas raises a brow. “Is that so?”

Robbe hums. “It’s way more trustworthy than the guys’. Luca and Yasmina also said you look hot, right?”

“I think Luca thinks everyone looks hot pretty much all the time.”

Robbe considers this. “Maybe. But I don’t. So believe me.”

“Okay,” Lucas sighs. “For the record, though, you look better than me.”

Robbe snorts, but squeezes his shoulder. “I’ll take your word for it.”

Lucas offers him a smile and casts another glance around, seeking out someone in particular—as usual. It’s not difficult to find him. His eyes latch on to Jana first, and then the arm curved casually around her waist, before trailing up to Jens. They’re dancing awkwardly in the middle of the crowd, but with abandon, not caring how ridiculous they look. Lucas almost wants to cringe at the sight, but his lips creep up in a smile regardless. Once he sets his gaze on the other boy, it’s hard to look away. 

He’d met Lucas at the end of his street, despite Lucas’s protests that he didn’t have to go out of his way. Lucas had had to stop before getting to him, freezing in the middle of the sidewalk. Jens had gone for a more expected look, decking himself out in a skin-tight skeleton costume, partially hidden under his coat. It was his face, though, that sent the largest shock through Lucas. Someone had done his makeup perfectly, shading in his temples and eyes and cheekbones and even his neck, highlighting his bones in white, making all his features stark and eerie and stunning. 

It would have been fine, if he hadn’t skimmed his eyes over the length of Lucas’s body when he finally reached him with parted lips, as if speechless. Lucas had felt fidgety then, too, until Jens had drawn himself together and cleared his throat. He’d smirked, and said, “I see you took Yasmina’s comment seriously, huh, charmer?” Then Lucas had been able to laugh, and brush the moment of tension off, and Jens had disappeared ten minutes into the party with Jana tugging at his arm. 

Lucas feels some of the tension return in a fiery ball of attraction and jealousy, warring together in the pit of his stomach. 

“He still looks hotter than both of us, doesn’t he,” Robbe sighs, and Lucas looks at him to see that he’s found Jens in the crowd, too. 

Lucas allows himself to nod in agreement. “Even though he’s a terrible dancer.”

“He’s fucking awful,” Robbe laughs. 

Lucas drags his gaze away to smile at Robbe again instead. “I’m sure you and Sander would upstage him.”

Robbe’s grin doesn’t quite reach his eyes as he shakes his head. “Uh, I don’t think dancing is my thing either. Sander looks good doing anything, though.”

He sighs, and Lucas snorts, shaking his head slightly. The quiet admiration he holds for Robbe increases in size. It’s strange, seeing someone be so open. It’s not like Ralph, Ralph who is older and experienced and not like Lucas. Robbe, though...Robbe feels fairly similar to Lucas in a lot of ways, and it makes something in him wonder, stirring with a little more hope than he’d held before. A little more understanding. 

“How is Sander?” He watches Robbe’s grin twitch as he asks, and quickly backtracks. “You don’t have to tell me. Anything.”

Robbe shakes his head, his smile turning soft. “No, it’s okay. Sander’s bipolar. He already told me I could tell you. He has a good handle on it, it’s just...not always easy,” Robbe shrugs. 

Lucas turns the information over and over in his head and hopes he doesn’t look as shocked as he feels. A part of him flinches away from it. The rest of him is screaming that he should have known, somehow. He pushes both sides away and searches for a response. “And right now...isn’t easy?”

“Yeah,” Robbe sighs. “I don’t think it’s a depressive episode, but he was worried it was the start of one. So he’s just taking a bit of a time out this week. He’s still going to school and everything, so I know that it could be worse. That it’s just a bit of a low mood. I just...I think there’s something going on that he hasn’t told me, but...there’s nothing I can do if he doesn’t want me to know.”

“You’re there for him,” Lucas says carefully. “And he loves you. I’m sure he appreciates that enough.”

Robbe shrugs again, but his smile returns, just slightly. “You’re wise for a Disney prince.”

Lucas scoffs and bumps his shoulder, and then they’re laughing, and it’s okay. Robbe gives him a grateful smile and Lucas clasps his shoulder for just a second. He wonders, for a moment, if he should say something, if he should just begin to explain, and he opens his mouth just as Yasmina slips through the crowd in front of them. 

She’s donned in all black, with artfully crafted horns on her head made to represent Maleficent’s. She tugs another girl behind her by the wrist, and Lucas recognises her from the party the week before, with her easy smile and dark fringe, now adorned with gold to match her Cleopatra costume. “Look who I brought,” Yasmina presents her. 

Robbe instantly greets the girl with a cheerful, “Hey,” and a hug, completing the gesture with a kiss on the cheek. When they part, he gestures at Lucas, and Lucas gives a small wave. “This is Lucas. Lucas, this is Noor.”

“Robbe’s ex,” Yasmina adds helpfully. 

Lucas’s eyes widen in understanding. He quickly fixes a smile onto his face as Robbe rolls his eyes and Noor laughs. “Nice to meet you.”

She gives him a quick hug as well as she returns the sentiment. “You’re the one from...Utrecht, right? Moyo told me about you. I’m from The Netherlands too.”

“But she refuses to tell us where,” Robbe says. 

“Well, you’ve gotta keep a little mystery,” Lucas agrees. 

Noor nods approvingly at him. “Exactly. No Sander tonight?”

Robbe shakes his head as she turns back to him, wrapping an arm over his shoulder. “Not tonight.”

Noor squeezes him. “Everything good with you two?”

“Yeah, everything’s great,” Robbe assures. 

“Good.” She pinches his cheek, and Robbe lets her, rolling his eyes fondly, and Lucas can only watch on in astonishment. Robbe hadn’t mentioned they were still friends, and Lucas wouldn’t have believed him if he’d tried to describe how friendly they actually are. He supposes they’ve had time to get to this point, but he can’t quite imagine himself in a similar position. He doesn’t have the heart that Robbe does. 

“Do any of you want to come search for a non-alcoholic drink with me?” Yasmina asks hopefully. 

Lucas meets Noor’s eye first, and they both turn to smile apologetically at Yasmina, laughing at themselves. Yasmina rolls her eyes with a smile and focuses in on Robbe, who gives in with a small flap of his hand.

“Yeah, okay. You two don’t want to come?” Noor and Lucas shake their heads and Robbe squeezes Noor’s shoulder as he steps away from her. “Okay. You’re in good hands with Lucas, anyway.”

“Yeah, Prince Charming,” she gestures at him easily, and Lucas laughs, already feeling fond. 

Robbe and Yasmina slip away, and he and Noor are left sharing a smile. The silence that settles between them is more casual than awkward, but Lucas still searches for a way to break it. 

“So, you and Robbe,” he finally settles on, because it’s the only thing he knows. He cringes immediately afterward, but Noor doesn’t seem upset, listening patiently. “I mean, how was that?”

Noor laughs quietly. “Short. Never perfect. But Robbe isn’t easy to stay mad at. Especially when he seemed so much better off, so much happier, after all of it.” She shrugs. “It helps that his boyfriend is pretty cool, too.”

Lucas laughs, too, and a new slot of admiration is created just for her. “Yeah, he is. But you seem very cool, yourself. I can see why he thought, if anyone, that he could like you.”

“Charmer, huh?” Noor smiles, and Lucas can only shrug, feeling bashful. He wonders how he’s managed to paint that image for himself so quickly again. He marvels at how the word no longer sounds so much like _liar_. 

He’s trying to be more himself, now that he has the room to be someone new. He doesn’t hate the idea that it might not be _so_ different from who he already was. 

Noor gets distracted as someone else comes to greet her, and Lucas gives them a small smile and falls back into his own little bubble. He doesn’t mind. He’s able to pick Jens out of the crowd again in seconds. 

He still looks ridiculous, swaying out of rhythm with Jana’s arms now looped around his neck, the two of them laughing. Looking incredibly cosy. Lucas watches, and wishes, and _wants_ , and he hates himself for it. 

Then suddenly, Jens is looking back. 

It should be hard to see in the dull light of the room, from completely opposite ends, but Lucas has no doubt that Jens is looking at him. His gaze flicks up and around and lands on Lucas, as if he’d felt him looking and wanted proof. Lucas feels his jumbled bundle of emotions creep up and lodge in his throat, and he swallows thickly, but he can’t make himself look away. Even as Jens doesn’t part from Jana but moves closer, even as his lips tilt up into something like a smirk but maybe a smile, even as his lids fall to create half-moons out of his eyes, Lucas looks. 

Jens keeps looking back. 

“Hey.” 

He snaps out of it as Noor leans up to speak in his ear, smiling knowingly at him. 

“Let’s go give him something to look at, hm?”

Lucas stares down at her, shaking his head in instant denial. Panic bubbles up in him, spreading and stretching until there’s no room left for air. “I—What?”

She flicks her eyes to Jens and then back, raising an unimpressed brow at him. “I’ve gotten better at seeing things in the past year, Lucas. With you, I know exactly what I’m looking for.”

He straightens, feels his face forming into something like a glare against his will, but she sets a hand on his arm and squeezes. 

“Hey,” she says softly, “stop that. It’s okay. It’s not like I’ll tell.”

He looks at her for another moment, eyes flicking between hers in search of sincerity. He deflates when he finds it. His voice comes out as barely a whisper, and he’s almost sure she won’t hear it. “Is it that obvious?”

She squeezes his arm again and shakes her head. “Only with the way he’s looking back at you right now.”

“That’s not…” Lucas trails off, wondering what he wants to say. “Jens doesn’t look at me like that. Jens isn’t like that.”

Noor tilts her head, frowning. “How do you know?”

Lucas’s lips part and shut as he searches for an answer. Surely it’s just _obvious_. Maybe he’s the one in the wrong, for so easily ruling Jens out, but it’s the only way to keep his sanity. Even if Jens could be interested, Lucas can’t allow himself to think that Jens would be interested in _him_. 

He sneaks another glance at Jens, and Jens is still looking back, albeit now with a tiny frown. 

Noor uses her grip on his arm to give a tiny tug, raising her brows at him as she begins walking backwards, into the crowd. Lucas follows numbly, only coming to his senses when he’s surrounded by dancing bodies. Then he’s able to rapidly shake his head and look at Noor pleadingly. Backtracking. 

“I can’t even dance,” he protests, trying to pull out of her grip, and she lets go only to wrap her arms around his neck. 

“Lucas, hey, just take a breath.” She squeezes the back of his neck, and he tries to listen to her, drawing air in carefully and slowly blowing it out. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. We don’t have to dance if you don’t want to. But if you really think he isn’t reciprocating, why waste your night on him? It’s a party, and you look hot as hell, and you should be having fun.”

He almost tells her that she’s just made that a lot harder, because the anxiety currently swirling in his chest is almost enough to drag him under and keep him down for the foreseeable future. She seems to know, anyway, squeezing his neck again as her smile softens into something apologetic. She doesn’t ask any more questions, and she doesn’t make him say the words, and some of the worry dissipates in a cloud of relief. 

_Someone knows someone knows someone knows._

It’s a little distressing that she’d been able to figure it out on her own, after knowing him for mere minutes, but he’d given himself away and he hadn’t tried at all to deny it. He can’t bring himself to be mad, or upset, as Noor’s smile widens again and she guides him into a rhythmic sway. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs, letting himself relax slightly, following her lead. 

Noor’s grin widens, and she slides her hands down his arms until she can grip his and guide him into a more dramatic movement. He snorts, and tries not to feel too stupid, and eventually lets a small smile grow on his face. 

He can admit it feels nice, taking a moment to let himself go. He doesn’t feel so ridiculous, now. Noor helps, taking the lead and keeping her wide smile, squeezing Lucas’s hands on occasion, dancing happily without much assistance from Lucas. Lucas finds himself moving mindlessly, helped this time by the alcohol only recently added to his system. 

His eyes drift back to Jens on their own accord. It’s no harder to find him now, and Lucas’s heart flutters and pounds when he instantly meets his eyes. It’s impossible to truly tell from such a distance, with the lights dim and flashing, but Lucas is almost sure his gaze has darkened, has taken on a new intensity in the few minutes that Lucas hadn’t been looking. 

His breath catches, and then leaves him in a rush, because Jana has pulled Jens down into a kiss, and Jens kisses back. 

But he’s still looking at Lucas. 

Even as Jana cups his face and holds him closer, even as his hands move to her back, even as Noor wraps her arms back around Lucas’s neck, oblivious, Jens keeps looking. 

Lucas can’t look away. 

Even as his heart tears itself to shreds, it pounds. He can’t stop watching how Jens’s jaw works, how his lashes flutter, how he dips his head, how his eyes never leave Lucas. As if it’s Lucas he wants to be kissing. As if it’s Lucas he has in his arms.

As ridiculous as it is, Lucas can almost _feel it_. 

_Stop. He wouldn’t be kissing her at all if he wanted to kiss you. You knew to expect this. Why would he want you?_

Lucas has no answer to his thoughts other than the emotions swirling in his chest. The ache from where his feelings had crumbled to dust seems to have inflamed, as if struck by a match. Smoking, not quite managing to set him alight, and still, he has never felt anything like it. 

The music cutting off is the only thing that snaps him out of it, and then the lights lift, and he realises Jens has looked away, glancing around in confusion with the rest of the crowd. Senne—who Lucas hadn’t even gotten to greet tonight but who he’d met at his first party here, along with Zoë—clambers onto a chair at the front of the room and claps his hands. 

“Cops are at the end of the street, we’re clearing out. Anyone with something to hide needs to go _now_.”

_Fuck._

Lucas casts around in search of his friends, but there are too many people moving around for him to see much. When he looks, however, he can tell that Jens has disappeared. Zoë has taken his place, and is already collecting her things with Jana. 

Noor grabs his arm and reclaims his attention. “Do you have anything?”

He shakes his head. “Who did you come with?”

“No one, but I’m fine, my bike’s just down the street. I’ll be gone in seconds.”

He hesitates. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” she rolls her eyes, but she pulls him down to plant a kiss on his cheek. “It was lovely meeting you, Lucas. Don’t forget what I said, okay?”

He nods, but she’s already slipping through the crowd and disappearing. Lucas begins to follow, moving with the others in hopes of finding someone, and he merges into the hallway at the same time as Robbe, who is collecting his things from the corner. He catches sight of Lucas and smiles, making his way to him quickly and latching onto his arm. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, but do you have the stuff?”

Robbe’s eyes widen slowly. “Fuck. Jens.”

Lucas knew it. He closes his eyes briefly and then takes a hold of Robbe, pulling him down the hallway with him. They look ridiculous, he’s sure, a prince and a zombie slinking through the currents of people, but there’s a new purpose filling him now.

**_Friday, 21:12_ **

**Song: _Kygo, Haux - Only Us_**

Jens has no idea where he’s going. He’d snuck out the back in the hopes it would at least give him extra time, but he hadn’t really thought of where he would go after that. He realises, now, as he’s creeping around the house, that it would have been a lot simpler to head straight for the front and run. His fear had simply been getting stopped at the front door, but the car has only just made it up the street. 

His best option now is possibly hiding, but he, again, has no idea where to go. He’s berating himself for how slow both his mind and body are moving, but it’s not doing anything to help. He feels lost and panicked and shaky, his focus still back inside as he reacted automatically while his thoughts went racing. They’re still running now, spinning and churning and beginning to give him a headache, and he can only suck in a breath and try to fix himself in the present. 

His head is a wreck. 

He notices the light flashing towards him too late, and he only has a moment to seize up in panic before an arm is clasping his chest and pulling him bodily to the side. He stumbles into another body and then the wall, letting out a startled noise, before a hand slips over his mouth and someone is hissing at him to shush. 

He blinks and finally focuses in on Lucas’s profile. 

He’s pulled him into a small alcove created by the outcropping room at the side of the house, pressing them into the shadows together. Jens needs a few seconds to take him in, and then he’s swallowing at their proximity and his lips brush Lucas’s hand and he thinks he might lose it. 

_What am I thinking? What’s wrong with me?_

“Are you just waiting around to get caught?” Lucas hisses at him. 

He begins to mumble a response, and Lucas presses his hand more firmly over his lips and gives him a severe look. Jens smiles, because he knows Lucas can’t see it. They wait with baited breath as the flashlight skims across the wall next to them, and then they wait still. 

They stand silently for a few minutes before Lucas chances peeking his head around the corner. Jens finally relaxes when he lets out a sigh of relief, but regrets the loss of contact as Lucas lets his hand drop. 

“Does this make me the damsel in distress?” Jens still keeps his voice low. It’s too easy, with Lucas still so close. 

Lucas still starts as if he’d yelled at him, but then he’s huffing out a laugh. “It makes you an idiot who can’t be trusted by himself for five minutes.” 

“So either way, it’s good that I have you.” 

He regrets the words instantly, as Lucas begins to examine him and his mind returns to mush. What had happened, inside? The sensations all blur together, lips on his and hands in his hair and none of it Lucas, but blue eyes locked onto his and the center of all his focus anyway. He thinks of Jana, and his head spins under the confusion, his stomach churning with the weight of trying to figure it out, and he has to close his eyes. 

Then Lucas mumbles, “At least you know you’re lucky,” and Jens opens his eyes to find him smiling. 

_Fuck, he’s pretty._

_Stop._

“I can repay you by walking you home?” Jens steps back out into the street, doing a quick sweep of the space before beckoning Lucas after him, hoping he doesn’t sound too hopeful. 

“Or I can walk you and avoid being pathetically early for my curfew.” 

“You’re taking the whole Prince Charming thing right up until the end, huh?” 

Lucas falls into step beside him as they make it out onto the road and side-eyes him. “What makes you think I’d try to charm you?” 

_You don’t have to,_ Jens thinks, and then he shakes it away. He can only answer with a shrug. He feels a little awkward, now, walking alongside Lucas, after their weird moment at the party. It’s even weird to think of it as a moment. Every time he thinks about Lucas, it’s weird. 

“You seemed charmed enough back there, anyway.” 

Jens feels like the breath has been punched out of him, and he can’t quite believe Lucas has brought it up. He isn’t quite ready to go there. 

Is Lucas really going to—? 

“I didn’t know you and Jana were a thing again.” 

_Oh._

Now, Jens feels the urgent need to correct him. “We’re not. I don’t actually know what that was. I wasn’t expecting it, and I definitely would have never initiated it.” 

Lucas glances at him. “No?” 

“Jana and I...it wouldn’t be a good idea. I’m not sure it ever was.” Jens sighs, looking over at Lucas as he explains. “Do you remember at lunch the other day, what Moyo said about us?” 

“That was about Jana?” 

Jens nods, running his tongue over the roof of his mouth as he looks back down at the sidewalk. “I was dating her best friend, Britt, first. And Jana and I got together before I broke up with her.” 

Understanding comes to Lucas quickly. “You cheated.” 

“Yeah,” Jens sighs. “It was just...kind of shitty, with the other girl, and I know it’s not an excuse, but...it was easier with Jana. And the universe has had its payback, so, I’ve learned from my mistakes.” 

“What do you mean, payback?” 

“Our relationship was never honest, and it fucked a lot of things up for Jana. She lost her friends, and it was hard on her, and she didn’t trust me. I was lying to her, though. Except she thought I was cheating on her with Britt, and I was actually buying weed off Britt’s brother,” Jens huffs. “I still don’t really know what the fuck happened, but she...she ended up cheating on me.” 

Lucas’s brows shoot up. “Fuck.” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s more complicated than I expected.” 

“And I haven’t even told you yet that she was then the one to break up with me. Then kind of have a relationship with the guy she cheated with. I actually thought they were still having a thing, but now...I don’t know what I’m supposed to think.” 

“Ouch. That’s something else, Jens.” 

“Yeah, well. I probably deserved it, I guess.” 

Lucas grabs his arm and pulls him to a stop. “Hey, no. That’s stupid. Jana was in it with you at the start. You took the risk together. It doesn’t make her hurting you with someone else right.” 

Jens feels his heart flutter again at the intensity in his gaze, the firmness in his words. The fierce care that seems to emanate from him, always, even for Jens. For the most undeserving. “Well, that’s why I’m trying not to be stupid again. We’ve talked about it before, and I thought we agreed that we’re past it. I don’t know what happened tonight. But it didn’t happen because I wanted it to.” 

He watches Lucas’s throat bob as he swallows. The air thickens. “No?” 

Jens shakes his head. He doesn’t make the conscious decision to take a step forward, but there’s suddenly less space between them. Lucas has to look up at him, like this, and Jens finds that he likes it. He likes the way his curls fall back, just slightly, and how his jaw slackens, staying soft, and how the line of his throat seems longer, more exposed, and how he keeps his eyes firmly on Jens’s, always. It sends a tiny thrill through him, and then Lucas’s eyes drop to his lips. 

It’s only a split-second glance, but it’s enough to take Jens back to the party and remind him exactly how not-weird it felt, when his thoughts stumble to a halt. 

The only thought going through his mind now is that he needs to get closer. 

He leans in, and Lucas’s head falls back farther, but he strains up to meet him, and Jens’s heart climbs up into his throat. 

Then the sound of a phone ringing snaps the world back into glaring focus and leaves them springing apart. 

Jens fumbles at the pockets of his coat, trying to remember which one he’d slid his phone into. By the time he has pulled it out, the ringer has stopped and Lucas is a good foot away from him, crossing his arms over his chest to fend off the cold. The missed call is from Lies, and it only takes seconds for a message from her to come through instead. 

_heard about the party. you better not be getting arrested rn_

Jens snorts, even as his gaze flickers back up to Lucas in regret, the lost moment still lingering between them. Lucas’s smile is soft, and Jens is hit suddenly with the truth of his slow realisations. 

He can’t deny it anymore. The desire floods him, suddenly, to kiss Lucas, and he can’t turn a blind eye. He’s never felt anything like it. 

It makes his pulse quicken and his heart race and he kind of wants to throw up. 

“My sister heard about the cops. She’s just wondering if she’s going to have to come bail me out.” 

Lucas laughs, and Jens marvels at the way everything he does seems so soft, suddenly, before gathering his wits enough to text Lies back. 

“We should probably get you home, then,” Lucas says, and Jens agrees with the utmost reluctance and a gentle smile of his own. 

The wreck of his head feels a little like it’s been set on fire, but for now, he has no problem letting Lucas burn him up from the inside out. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for homophobia at the beginning of 19:19

**_Saturday, 13:32_ **

**Jens:** _hey :) this might be a bit of a weird request but….what are you doing tonight?_

**Lucas:** _nothing yet...why?_

**Jens:** _do you want to come trick or treating with me and my little sister?_

_I usually drag Robbe but he has plans with Sander_

**Lucas:** _so you want me to come?_

**Jens:** _I totally get if you don’t want to or think it’s stupid or whatever_

_it’s fine, sorry, forget I asked_

**Lucas:** _of course I’ll join :)_

**_Saturday, 19:08_ **

**Song:** **_Mark Diamond - Monster_**

Lucas checks the messages again as he walks, just to make sure he didn’t imagine anything. But it’s all there. Jens inviting him to go trick or treating with him and his little sister, with the condition that he has to wear his costume once more, complete with a winky face. 

So, naturally, Lucas is skating to Jens’s house in his full princely form. 

He’d thought it was a weird offer, at first, though he has come to understand that it’s more of a request. Robbe usually goes with him, Jens says, but he wants to spend the night with Sander and Jens refuses to complain about that, this time. Lucas is honestly honored to even be his second choice, especially when it seems to be a tradition. 

Plus, he’d never pass up an opportunity to see Jens. 

He’s given up denying it to himself. It seems to have gotten easier, now that it feels slightly out in the open. Noor had placed it under the light and made it impossible to ignore. He’d thought it would terrify him more, but he still only feels relieved. 

He is also very confused, and a little anxious, because he definitely can’t be imagining what happened after. He didn’t imagine Jens staring at him at the party, and he didn’t imagine how they’d almost kissed. 

He refuses to believe he misinterpreted it. Jens is the one who started to lean in first. Jens was going to kiss him. Jens had wanted to kiss him. 

At least, this is what Lucas desperately wants to believe. 

The hope has been blossoming there since they’d met, the irritational little sprout of hope, telling him that this time he may be in with a real chance. Telling him that the signs he’s been seeing are real, that every time Jens’s gaze or touch lingers, that every time he smiles extra wide or laughs extra loud, it’s not just Lucas’s head playing tricks. It’s real. It means something. He’s not imagining it. His own interest might not be for nothing. His feelings don’t have to be ignored. He’s not setting himself up to be torn down. 

He also thinks he’s stuck up in the clouds and treading a very thin, dangerous line. 

As he makes it back to Jens’s street for the second time in twenty-four hours, he reminds himself that now isn’t the time to think about it. 

Jens is already stood outside, back in his skeleton costume and gesturing dramatically through the door at someone Lucas can’t see. Lucas slows to a stop a few houses down, planting his foot on the pavement and kicking up his board. The sound is enough to alert Jens to his presence, and the line of his shoulders softens as he turns to look at Lucas. Lucas smiles and offers him a wave as a little girl trudges out to meet Jens. 

Lucas takes a few slow steps closer and hears Jens say, “Lucas is here, Lies, can’t keep him waiting.” He ushers the girl—his sister, clearly—out to the gate, and she follows without much protest. 

Lucas’s smile grows as he watches them, almost missing the other person peeking their head out the door. “Don’t I get to meet him?” 

Jens looks back and Lucas follows his gaze to see an older girl at the door, possibly older than them. He lifts his hand in another wave as she grins excitedly at him and Jens makes a sound of protest. “Nope, already late.”

Lucas snorts as they reach him. “Late for what?” 

“Well, do you want to introduce yourself?” Jens raises a brow. He’s plain-faced today, foregoing the makeup he’d worn the previous night. Meaning, if Lucas touched him, he’d be met with nothing but smooth skin, soft and golden under his fingertips, warming the closer Lucas allowed himself to get. 

He shakes the thought away and with it denies Jens’s offer. He looks instead at the younger girl already staring up at him, dressed as a little fairy, complete with a small set of wings sprouting from her back. She bears little resemblance to her brother, eyes and hair both a few shades lighter, but there’s something in the curve of her smile and her curious expression that makes their relation unmistakable. He asks Jens, “Are you at least going to introduce us?”

Jens sighs, as if it’s a much bigger task than a few words. “Lucas, this is Lotte. Lotte, this is your second babysitter for the night.”

Lucas rolls his eyes and then smiles at Lotte, oddly nervous as she gazes up at him. 

“Jens, he’s a _prince_ , that’s way cooler than you.”

Lucas laughs as Jens grows instantly offended, flicking her head lightly. She shies away and glares up at him. Lucas decides they’ll probably get along quite well. 

“Yeah, Jens, I’m way cooler than you,” he teases, gratified at the face Jens pulls at him in response. 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s super uncool to be trick-or-treating with your big brother, but who is the one who brought you the pretty prince, huh?”

Lucas blushes at the words and has to pretend he isn’t as Lotte examines him once more before shrugging in acceptance. “I don’t think princes skate though,” she wrinkles her nose. 

“Cool princes do,” Jens mutters, but he takes the board from Lucas’s hands. “I’ll leave it just inside the gate so you can get it when we get back.”

Lucas watches him jog the few steps back to his house and tuck the skateboard against the front wall. In the minute he’s gone, Lucas does his best to ignore the still-stuttering beat of his heart and Lotte’s probing gaze. Maybe he should have given himself more time, before seeing Jens again, he thinks. Maybe then he would’ve had himself under better control. His blood wouldn’t be rushing so quickly to his cheeks, his head wouldn’t be spinning so much, his hands would stop shaking. 

More likely, it’s his permanent condition around Jens now, and he’s fooling himself if he thinks otherwise. 

Jens makes it back to them and sets a hand on Lotte’s shoulder to begin guiding her down the street, and within minutes her paper pumpkin basket is filling up with various treats. There are a few other kids running out, mostly all a little holder and in groups of at least three, but Lotte seems unbothered, skipping around on her own. Jens and Lucas follow along side by side, making up mini ghost stories inspired by the various decorations adorning the houses. 

“How come you have nothing outside your house?”

Jens shrugs as Lotte runs up and eagerly rings another doorbell. “We wouldn’t have had any at all if Lies hadn’t come home. My parents don’t really think about these things.”

Lucas nods. “I didn’t think mine did, either. I’m surprised my dad put in the effort, but I think that’s what he was hoping.”

He’s noticed that Jens has never asked him about his father, or his lack of any mention of his mother. He appreciates it more than he could say, this silent understanding Jens allows him. Even though he wants to tell Jens. Out of everyone, he would want to tell Jens. 

He just isn’t sure he’s ready to go there. They haven’t reached that level of personal. Not quite yet. 

It doesn’t stop Lucas from wanting to kiss him, though. 

“Are you a fan of Halloween then?”

Lucas looks over at him with narrowed eyes. “Yeah? Aren’t you?”

Jens shrugs, smiling, and gestures to Lotte as she comes back to their side. “This is my Halloween. Are you a fan?”

“I would have preferred it if we at least got some treats ourselves,” Lucas admits.

“You can have some of mine.” Lotte suddenly looks up to him, eyes wide, the picture of innocence, and his heart melts slightly.

He shakes his head softly at her. “That’s okay, Lotte. You deserve them all. You look way cooler than me and him combined.”

It’s enough to make her beam, and she latches onto his hand to begin dragging him to the next house with her. “You should just come up with me. I know the lady who lives here. She’s nice.”

“Hey,” Jens calls from a few steps behind them. Lotte doesn’t pay him any attention. “Don’t I get offered some treats?”

“You get to hang out with your friend,” Lotte says simply. 

Lucas is a little pleased when Jens doesn’t argue further. He gives Lotte’s hand a tug. “Why aren’t you trick-or-treating with your friends?”

She pouts at the street in front of her, swinging Lucas’s hand. “Mama says I’m too young and they live in a different place. But she said maybe next year.”

“Double digits,” Jens agrees, “then we’ll see.”

Lucas doesn’t go up to the next house with her, even when she turns her pout on him. But when she comes back, she does grab his hand again, only this time to place her tiny handful of sweets in it. He grins down at her, thanking her quietly, and then she’s back to beaming and skipping up to the next house. 

Lucas looks at Jens and finds him gazing back softly, eyes bright and lips just slightly curved upwards. He’s still one of the prettiest people Lucas has ever seen, even in the dull glow of the darkening sky and the scattered streetlights. Lucas’s heart still takes a few beats out of rhythm. 

Jens snaps his gaze away as he follows after his sister, but he walks closer to Lucas now, leaving their hands bumping every few steps. He only abandons Lucas’s side for a moment to chase after Lotte, ignoring her complaints as he crouches down to adjust one of her wings where it has folded back. He smooths down a few strands of her hair while he’s there and she finally offers him a smile, tugging at his hand now to get them moving again and still checking to make sure Lucas follows. 

It’s odd for Lucas to realise there’s nowhere he’d rather be. 

**_Sunday, 13:07_ **

Yesterday

**Jens:** _should I steal some of Lotte’s candy and bring it with me? 🧐_

**Lucas:** _no, dumbass, you can get your own sweets_

**Jens:** _just because you got free handouts 😪_

**Lucas:** _that’s exactly why 😂_

_tomorrow at 1 then?_

**Jens:** _yep, at the skatepark_

**Lucas:** _okay, see you then :)_

Today, 13:03

**Lucas:** _I’m here_

_Jens?_

**_Sunday, 13:43_ **

**Song:** **_Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler - better off_**

Jens reads over the text message again as he sits on the bench and waits. He rubs his spare hand over his knee, trying to ease the itch under his skin. 

**_Jana:_** _can we meet up? I really need to talk to you_

Despite how much he doesn’t want to have this conversation, he knows it’s necessary. That’s why it had only taken him a few minutes to say yes. He isn’t sure why he’s psyching himself out so much. He supposes he and Jana just don’t have the best history with serious conversations, and he has no idea what to expect from this one. 

He’s sitting on a bench at the edge of the park, waiting. Jana is only a few minutes late, but it’s prolonging his anxiety and leaving his foot tapping against the pavement. He wishes he’d denied the offer, saying he had other plans. 

Only, he _did_ have other plans. 

His eyes widen as the realisation hits and he checks his phone again. 

He had other plans, that he was supposed to attend to over half an hour ago. He curses under his breath as he navigates to his messages, and surely enough there are a few from Lucas. Saying that he’s there, waiting, asking where Jens is, asking if he’s okay, asking if he was coming or not. The chat with Jana had been open the whole time, and Jens hadn’t even gotten the notifications. He curses under his breath and quickly tries to think of a reply, heart speeding away and hands shaking. 

_I’m so fucking sorry Luc, Jana asked to meet up and I completely forgot_

_I won’t be able to make it_

He stares, and waits, and the message remains delivered and unseen. The last message from Lucas was only about five minutes ago, and Jens realises he’s probably given up and gone home. He drags a hand over his face and he grips the phone tightly, barely preventing himself from tossing it into the street. He’s in disbelief at himself, more than any anger, disappointed and upset and frustrated and he feels so _stupid_. 

Lucas, Lucas, how could he forget Lucas? 

He knows how. It’s because he’d been distracted all morning, listening to his father rant about and insult his boss (who is at least a decade younger), complaining that he ‘can’t believe anyone would raise their son to be such a _pansy_ _’_. It’s because his father had turned to him and expected him to agree, waving his hands about as if to say ‘you know exactly what I mean’, and Jens had wanted to tell him that no, in fact, he didn’t. 

It’s because he’s begun to understand the ache in his chest in these particular moments and why exactly it’s there. 

It’s also because Jana had texted him, then, asking to meet, and despite how painful the conversation is likely to be, Jens had wanted nothing more than to see her and feel some sense of normal and comfort. 

It’s because he might have forgotten Lucas on purpose. 

Jana finds him like that, hunched over in a panic, still staring at his phone, startling as she sets a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey,” she appeases. “You okay?”

Jens quickly pockets his phone and lets out a slow breath, nodding. “Yeah, sorry. Was starting to think you’d ditched me, is all.”

Jana smiles, and it isn’t tense, and it eases Jens’s worries a little. “It was tempting,” she admits. 

They regard each other for a moment, and even though it’s been two years, Jens almost feels like he’s been portaled back. He can recall them in this same scenario, too many times before, and it certainly doesn’t begin to make him feel better. 

But Jana sits down next to him, and bumps his shoulder, and smiles. “Don’t look so scared. I’m not going to try to kiss you again.”

Jens huffs and tries to hide some of his relief. “Well you have to admit it’s a legitimate concern.”

Jana bumps him again, rolling her eyes. She’s avoiding his gaze now, looking out in front of her and making it impossible for Jens to guess where this is going to go. 

“Hey,” Jens prods gently. “You can talk to me, huh?”

She offers him a small smile. “I really wasn’t planning on kissing you. I know we’ve talked before about if we still had feelings and agreed we wouldn’t go back there. And that still isn’t my intention.” She takes a long breath. “But I do have something to tell you.”

Jens clasps his hands together in his lap, pressing in and out on his knuckles. “Okay.”

“Do you remember, in the summer, when I said I was supposed to be moving to New York?”

_No._

Jens nods slowly. 

“Well, they’ve only just sorted out mom’s transfer. I’m leaving in a week.” 

Jens’s heart falls into his stomach and he can only look at her. He’d thought, when it was first brought up, that he’d made his peace with the idea. But then school had restarted, and Jana was still there to join them, and all worries of the matter had disappeared. Now it feels like a bomb being dropped all over again, while Jens feels unstable enough as it is. 

“Jens?” Jana places a gentle hand on his arm. 

Jens rubs his hands over his jeans. “What about school?”

“I have already made plans to transfer there. I was going to study online with them from the beginning of the year, but I worked it out so that I could spend it here.”

“So you knew it was still happening.”

“Yeah.” Jana’s voice is soft. “I’m really sorry, Jens. I know I should have told you earlier.”

She should have, but Jens understands why she hasn’t. He wouldn’t have liked having to break the news to her, if it was the other way around. 

“No, I get it. I should be the one making sure you’re okay. It’s a lot. Does anyone else know yet?”

“I’ve told the girls. But only a couple of weeks ago. I told Amber not to tell Aaron, because I wanted to make sure I could tell you myself.”

Jens nods. “Does Robbe know?”

“No. I wouldn’t ask him to keep that from you. I think he’s been through enough of that.”

She hasn’t moved her hand from his arm. Jens looks down at it and wonders why he doesn’t feel more, even though he already feels too much. His feelings and his thoughts are all a mess, but that no longer seems unusual. 

“Why did you kiss me then? Was it like...a goodbye?”

Jana shrugs, and her smile returns, though a little rueful. “A bit, I guess. I was thinking about having to tell you, and I knew I was going to miss you and I wanted to spend that little bit of time just being us again. Then I felt like I needed to make sure it was really done. That we couldn’t go back there, and I wasn’t making a big mistake leaving and letting that go.”

“And you were a bit tipsy.”

Jana rolls here eyes, but laughs. “A bit.”

“But now? You don’t feel like you’re making any mistakes?”

“Of course I’m going to miss you all. I would stay if it was just my choice. I just didn’t want to leave behind any what-ifs.”

Jens nods. He understands, beyond the fuzz occupying his head. He knows what she means, and he’s now glad of it, too. He probably would’ve wondered, as well. He thinks the idea of what they could have been will always lie between them, but it would have been much worse if they’d let the idea linger with Jana leaving. He understands, because after that kiss, he no longer wonders over his feelings for Jana, either. 

“This kind of sucks,” he says. “I’m gonna miss you.”

She smiles softly. “I know. But we’ll still stay in contact, yeah? And I will visit.”

“As long as you don’t forget about me.”

She scoffs. “You’re more likely to forget about me, with all your new friends.”

Jens would love to respond to the teasing with a smart comeback, but instead there’s a sharp pain in his chest with the realisation his phone hasn’t buzzed. “Yeah, well, they might not be around for long either.”

“What?” Jana’s brow furrows. “Lucas? What’s happened?”

“I was supposed to meet him at one and I completely forgot. I sent him a message to apologise and he hasn’t messaged me back.” He feels almost ridiculous admitting it. He feels ridiculously upset that he thinks he can see a pattern. 

Jana’s expression turns sympathetic. “Fuck, was that my fault? I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him that. You can be quite good at apologies when you want to be.”

Jens snorts. “You mean when I apologise.”

“It’s always worth it,” she informs him. “Really, why were you so bummed about this, huh? Lucas isn’t going anywhere.”

“What? Like you, you mean?” Jens mumbles. Then he closes his eyes. “Sorry. I know it isn’t your fault.”

“No, but you’re allowed to be upset.” Jana squeezes his arm. When Jens doesn’t answer, she takes a moment to examine him. Then she’s asking, “You really like him, don’t you?”

Jens whips his head around to stare at her. “What?”

“Lucas. He’s only been here a couple of weeks, but you get along really well, right? He’s already like one of your best friends.”

_Oh._

Of course that’s what she meant, he reminds himself. There’s no way for her to know. There’s no way for anyone to know. 

For a few seconds, Jens considers telling her. It would only take three words. 

_I like him._

Instead he says, “Yeah. He is. It’s just that...Robbe’s super busy now. He always had other things going on before, but then he usually came to me to get away from them. Now he doesn’t need to. Aaron is always with Amber or talking about Amber. Moyo is working or dancing or whatever it is he does. Lucas...Lucas feels most like _my_ friend.”

Jens is ready to backtrack, say ‘no, that was weird’, but Jana is already nodding and the smile on her face is a little too soft. A little too understanding. “I can see that. And when he’s that important to you, you’re not just going to let him slip away because of one dumbass mistake. That’s not you.”

It feels good, to think she’s right, even if he doesn’t entirely believe it. Jana has always seemed to know him better than himself, however—at least, when she wasn’t doubting him all the time. Her having this little bit of faith in him, it does help. He decides he can probably trust her a little bit. 

“Lucas isn’t you, though,” Jens reminds her. “He’s important, but he doesn’t cancel you out. I _am_ going to miss you.”

She smiles, and it’s a little sad, and she gives his arm another squeeze. “Me too.”

“It’s still nice. Just being with you. I’m going to miss that.”

“Just not like that anymore,” she shrugs, her gaze soft. 

Jens wraps his arm around her shoulders and leans back against the bench, hugging her to his chest. She winds her arms around his stomach and rests her head on his shoulder and Jens presses a kiss to the top of her head. “No,” he agrees. “Not like that anymore.”

**_Monday, 14:12_ **

**Song:** **_gnash - i hate you, i love you_ **

Lucas tugs absentmindedly at a loose thread on his pillowcase as he waits for the boys. He’s been staring blankly at his laptop screen for a quarter hour already, the only tab open to Jens’s Instagram. Devoid of any new posts but with recent messages that Lucas still hasn’t responded to. 

Maybe he’s overreacting, but he physically can’t do it. Not after hearing Jens explain that he’d ditched him for _Jana_. Without so much as a single warning. 

It had taken Lucas over half an hour of waiting like a fool and sending Jens messages before he was able to admit to himself that he’d been stood up. He’d gotten Jens’s urgent apology when he was already halfway home, and at that stage, he’d struggled to care what the excuse was. He was tired of feeling stupid. He was angry. 

He still is, but he also misses Jens already. 

The tone of an incoming video call stops him from falling into that pit of self-pity, and he answers with probably a little too much enthusiasm. He doesn’t care, though, as Kes and Jayden pop into view on his screen, grinning just as ridiculously, cheering as soon as they can see Lucas. Lucas ducks closer to his screen and examines, noting that they seem to be in Jayden’s room and both have a little more scruff on their chins than when he’d last seen them. Weeks ago, he reminds himself. This is his first time seeing his best friends—the people he used to talk to everyday—in weeks. 

“Hi,” he says, giddy, already grinning wider than he has in days. 

“Hey,” Jayden leans in to examine him closer, blocking Kes and beaming. “I was hoping I could be like ‘you’ve changed’ but you haven’t even changed your hair, Lucas. It looks like you’ve been frozen in time since you left.”

Lucas snorts as Kes shoves him out of the way. “Shut up, Jayden. You look fucking great, Luc. I missed that pretty face.”

“Funny,” Lucas muses, “I haven’t thought about your’s once since I left.”

Kes squawks, and then he’s leaning forward to take up the frame, pointing a finger at Lucas threateningly. He then turns it towards himself and circles the air in front of his face. “You love this face. Don’t even try to lie to me.”

It is a lie, so Lucas doesn’t bother arguing any further. He’s missed them both more than he’s willing to express, for surety they’ll make fun of him in response. They do, however, still have their own ridiculous grins stuck on their faces, so maybe Lucas is judging them too harshly. 

“Are you going to tell me what I’ve been missing then?”

Jayden scoffs. “You’re the only thing that’s missing, man. It’s boring as hell without you.”

Lucas shakes his head. “Come on, you’re seriously trying to tell me you haven’t gotten in any trouble the whole time I was away.”

“Well, no one said that.”

Kes rolls his eyes and offers Lucas a shrug. “There hasn’t been much, man. You’ve only been gone three weeks.” 

“I’ve already been gone three whole weeks, you mean,” Lucas raises a brow, even though the realisation sinks in and scares him. He’s only been here a little over three weeks. He hadn’t known Jens for the first one, meaning it has hardly taken any time for Lucas to develop such a strong, ridiculous crush on him. 

Really, can he even call it a crush? The word feels much too tame to describe the force of his feelings, sometimes. 

He has to swallow down the sudden anxiety crawling up his throat as Kes says, “Surely you have more exciting things to talk to us about then.”

“Yeah,” Jayden urges. “You get to meet all the new people. Did you find any of the hot girls yet?”

Kes bumps his arm. “Luc doesn’t have to find the hot girls. They come to him. It’s weird as fuck, man.”

“Fuck you,” Lucas retorts, and it’s half-hearted. His chest feels tight, all of a sudden, and there’s a heaviness that sinks into his stomach and takes root. It’s a weight that had slowly began to drift away, as Lucas let himself drift and entertain the possibility of accepting that part of him. Of thinking that part could be known alongside all the rest without changing anything. He’s reminded now, with his best friends of years looking at him, that it’ll never be that easy. “There are plenty of girls that I’m sure you couldn’t get, yeah.”

The boys both ‘oh’ dramatically in response and Lucas rolls his eyes fondly, even as the ache in him does nothing to dissipate. His smile still feels tight, stretched thin, and he feels suddenly helpless. He’d been hoping that seeing them would put him at ease, would make him feel normal, would allow him to stop thinking about his dad, still at work, and his mother, still in Utrecht, and Jens, still being avoided. 

He supposes he should have known better. 

“You can at least tell us about this new fancy friend group of yours,” Kes says, casual and genuine, and Lucas wishes the simple request didn’t make him feel worse, but it does. 

He forces a shrug. “They’re cool.”

“That’s it?” Jayden scoffs. “Come on, tell us who’s the pretty boy you’re always with, at least. We have to know something about our replacements, yeah?”

“They’re definitely not replacements,” Lucas assures. “No one could replace you. I wish I could just come back.”

The boys share a look, and when they turn back to him, they’ve softened. Lucas’s chest only grows tighter, the ache more thorough. He misses them now even more than he had that first week, when he’d been left feeling completely alone, even wishing for the presence of his dad on occasion just to have the company. It hurts twice as much to be reverted back to the stage when he’d had a taste of something different. 

“We’d love that, too, Luc,” Kes promises, and Lucas misses him so much he could cry, and he almost does when he goes on to ask, “Are the pretty boys not even treating you right?”

Lucas shrugs, looking back down at that loose thread on his pillow, smoothing his hand over it this time to feel the bump under his fingers. “They’re cool. Some of them do remind me of you guys. Aaron’s kind of the funny one, I guess, and Moyo’s really cool and kind of freaked me out at first. But they’re nice. Then there’s Robbe, he’s the smaller one with the curly hair? He’s sweet. But his boyfriend, Sander, is really cool. He’s studying art.”

He watches them intently over the word ‘boyfriend’, but nothing in their expression changes other than their smiles widening fondly at the mention of art. 

“You’ve already found your perfect clique, then,” Jayden teases. “So what part are you? Still the nice face?”

Lucas shakes his head and pulls the thread. “That’s Jens.”

“That’s right,” Kes drawls. “‘Jensrolt’, yeah? You mentioned him before too.”

Lucas nods. “He was the first one of them I met, so.”

“He seems pretty cool. He’s got the chill, Kes-like vibes,” Jayden muses, elbowing his friend, and it’s enough to finally drag another proper smile out of Lucas. 

“He does kinda remind me of Kes, actually.”

“What, ‘cause he took pity on you or because he’s hot as fuck?” Kes raises his brows cheekily and Lucas resists the urge to answer honestly by simply saying ‘both’. Instead he focuses on his best friend calling his crush _hot as fuck_. Which is weird, but not wrong. 

But really weird. 

“Maybe because he’s full of himself,” Jayden raises his brows at Lucas, exaggeratedly, mocking, and he and Lucas both laugh as Kes tries to shove him off the bed. Lucas watches them wrestle and glances at his phone. 

“I think he might be too pretty and too cool for me, actually,” Lucas mumbles. 

Kes and Jayden both stop and look at him, and they’ve lost all previous hints of amusement. “What do you mean?” Jayden asks. “Is he being a dick?”

Lucas shrugs again. “I’m probably just overthinking. I was supposed to hang out with him yesterday and he couldn’t make it, that’s all.”

“He couldn’t make it as in he cancelled on you or he stood you up?” Kes prods. 

“It wasn’t a date,” Lucas says, too snappish, too petulant. They can both see right through him. “But he stood me up,” he mumbles. 

“Fuck that. Like it’s not hard enough to get used to new friends without them being assholes. Did he tell you why?” Jayden asks. 

“He was meeting up with his ex-girlfriend.”

“Fuck that. How long were you waiting for him?”

“Like half an hour? Then I gave up and left. He text me to tell me he forgot because she’d asked him to meet up.”

Jayden scoffs as Kes frowns. “It seemed like you two were getting on well before, though. He’s been friendly enough so far, right?”

“Yeah, he’s been cool right from the start and I thought it was great. I’d found friends. And then he completely forgot I existed. And now I wanna come home to you guys.”

“He obviously didn’t completely forget about _you_ ,” Jayden attempts to comfort. “Maybe he had something else going on, too.”

“Yeah, Luc. And if he did then he sucks and you can get better friends than that. But you like them, right? The whole group. And you should trust your own judgment. You’re pissed right now but it probably is a genuine mistake and you probably know it.”

Lucas considers this for a moment and begrudgingly admits that he’s probably right. Kes beams and adds, “But for now, we can say fuck him. It’s us time. Did you talk to your dad about coming down another weekend?”

“Not yet,” Lucas says, sinking into the pillow behind him. “Right now I still have a curfew.”

Jayden snorts. Kes elbows him. “Is he there? We could try to talk him around.”

“No, he’s working. As usual.”

“Fuck that,” Jayden repeats. “Man, you’re lucky you have us. Jens is the last straw. If he fucks up, you tell us, and we’re coming over there to steal you back, okay?”

Lucas laughs, and reminds himself that he is lucky.

**_Tuesday, 10:33_ **

**Song:** **_The Neighbourhood - Sweater Weather_**

Jens paces across the doorstep as he tries the call a fourth time, jamming his thumb against the button before raising the phone to his ear. It buzzes, and buzzes, and buzzes, and Jens curses under his breath. 

“I’m not giving up, so fucking pick up,” he mumbles. 

On the sixth ring, Lucas does. 

“What the fuck, Jens? Can’t you take a hint?”

“No, and please don’t hang up, okay? I’m outside.”

“You’re _what_?”

“I’m at the front door of your building. At least, I hope it’s your building.”

“How do you even know where I live?”

“You told me last week when I was going to come pick you up, but I don’t know the apartment number, so let me in. Please?”

There’s silence on the other end, and after a few seconds Jens is worried the other boy has hung up. But when he checks, the call is still connected. 

He injects some extra pleading into his voice. “Just give me a few minutes to explain. C’mon, I’m freezing my balls off for you right now.”

The silence extends, and then Lucas lets out a sigh. “It’s number seven. Three flights up.”

The line disconnects and Jens fumbles not to drop his phone as he hears the door buzz and quickly moves to push it open. He tucks the mobile safely into his pocket before climbing the steps, not wasting any time taking in the building in his rush. At the top of the third set of stairs, Jens casts his gaze around for a door with the number seven and instead finds Lucas at the end of the short hall, leaning in an open doorway. 

Jens falters in his steps as he slowly makes his way to him, suddenly unsure. He hasn’t actually come with an apology in mind; he’d simply told himself with Lucas in front of him, he’d know what to say. 

Now that Lucas is in front of him, his mind runs blank. He barely looks at Jens, instead rubbing a tired hand over his face. His eyes are droopy and the skin of his cheeks is a light, rosy pink, the same colour as the sweater he has tossed on over black sweatpants. He looks sleep-soft and cuddly. He begs to be greeted with a kiss. Jens barely manages to refrain. 

He may have spent the weekend freaking out. He may still be freaking out. The feelings filling his chest, his stomach, are unfamiliar, and he’d taken Lucas’s few days of silent treatment to attempt to sort them out. To ponder. To research. 

He’d spent yesterday doing quite an extensive bit of research. 

When he realises that Lucas has caught him staring, he clears his throat. “Hey.”

Lucas crosses his arms over his chest. “Hey.”

His voice is raspy and sleep-soft, too, and Jens decides this was probably a really bad idea. He sweeps his gaze over Lucas once more and raises a brow. “Did I wake you up?”

Lucas scoffs. “Three missed calls, Jens. One right after the other. Yeah, you succeeded very well in waking me up.”

Jens winces. “Sorry. But I mean, it’s half ten. I assumed you’d be up.”

“It’s the holidays,” Lucas sniffs, and Jens supposes he can’t argue with that.

Jens nods, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth. “Uhm—can I come in?”

Lucas shrugs and otherwise doesn’t move. “You only need a few minutes, right?”

“Yeah.” Jens tries not to feel disappointed, but it’s difficult. It’s difficult to hold onto any control at all, faced with a Lucas who is so closed-off, a Lucas who’s definitely mad at him. Jens wants to get angry, too. He wants to tell him to stop overreacting. He wants to beg and plead for forgiveness. He wants Lucas to stop shutting him out. 

He wants Lucas to at least _smile_ at him again. 

“Okay.” Jens blows out a breath. “I’m really sorry. I mentioned that Jana wanted to meet up?”

Lucas nods, drawing his arms around himself tighter. 

Jens nods back, and he doesn’t really know where he’s going with this. “And you know I was confused, after Friday. I needed to clear the air. The whole thing stressed me out and I just had a serious brain-glitch, or something. I genuinely forgot. I know excuses can sound like shit, but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t mean it, Luc.”

“So your ex-girlfriend—who you don’t wanna get back together with—messaged you, and your brain short-circuited to the point you forgot I existed?”

At this point, Jens understands that Lucas is still thoroughly unimpressed. 

“No, I didn’t—that’s not what I’m saying.”

“So what are you saying, Jens? Because to me, it sounds like it’s yourself you’re lying to.”

“What?” Jens furrows his brows. He isn’t lying to _anyone_. 

Lucas softens slightly, but shakes his head. “You’re seriously still saying you don’t feel anything for Jana?”

“She’s leaving.”

That makes Lucas pause. “What?”

“She wanted to talk to me because she’s leaving. At the end of the week. She’s going to New York.”

“ _New York_?”

“She told us about it during the summer, but back then it was just a plan that had fallen through. When she came back to school, I forgot about it. But it’s happening now. That’s why she kissed me.”

Jens didn’t really expect that this is what he’d have to explain, but it’s now that he sees Lucas’s defense begin to slip. The reasons for why—the potential that Lucas is mad not because he was ditched, but because he’s _jealous_ —sets something stirring in Jens’s chest. The something feels a little too much like an excited thread of hope, and he snaps it immediately. 

“Why, exactly?” Lucas asks hesitantly. 

“She needed to prove to herself that there really was nothing left. And she did. I already knew. Like I told you. It wasn’t about wanting Jana. It wasn’t even really about Jana in the first place. My head was already a mess because my dad was bugging me that morning, and then Jana messaging me just reminded me that we hadn’t spoken, and I blanked. And I’m really fucking sorry. I’d never purposefully miss out on time with you. Seriously.”

It’s more than he usually likes to admit, but he seems to be in the habit, around Lucas, of giving away more than he probably should. He also knows it’s probably the best course of action—and his hope is confirmed when the rest of Lucas’s defense falls away. 

“Dads can be a pain in the ass,” he allows. 

Jens grins. “Yeah. I knew you’d get me, if you just heard me out. You’re a stubborn fuck, you know that?”

“You deserved it. I froze my balls off for you first, and you didn’t even show up.”

Jens laughs, and permits a shrug. “I deserved it.”

Then there it is—Lucas’s smile. 

Bright and easy and beautiful. It begs to be kissed. 

Jens resists. 

“That’s what I wanted to see,” he says instead, soft, and he’s granted a blush and a roll of eyes in response. Then Lucas finally holds the door open and nods inside.

The change in temperature is immediate, and Jens sighs as the door shuts behind him and he’s wrapped in warmth. He shrugs off his coat and pulls off his beanie, letting Lucas take both from him and hang them on a hook by the door. It’s only when Lucas begins leading him down the hallway that he realises he’s in the boy’s apartment. 

His hands grow clammy, and he wipes them discreetly on his sweats as they enter the kitchen. 

“Hot chocolate so you don’t lose any body parts?” Lucas teases. 

Jens snorts. “Of course you’d offer hot chocolate.”

“What does that mean?”

“Mr Sweet-Tooth, right?”

Lucas side-eyes him. “So you don’t want hot chocolate. Good. More for me.”

Jens makes a small noise of protest. “I never said that.”

“Uh huh,” Lucas smirks at him. “That’s what I thought.”

He moves around the kitchen with ease, taking two cups from one cupboard and the hot chocolate from another. Jens feels warm as he watches him pull up his sleeves to fill the kettle, exposing lightly-tanned forearms, thin but corded. 

Jens has to snap his gaze away when Lucas speaks up again. “Stop being awkward. Sit down.”

“I’m not awkward,” Jens mumbles, awkwardly avoiding Lucas’s gaze as he pulls out a chair. Lucas merely turns his head to hide a smile and doesn’t comment. 

“Are you here alone all week?” Jens asks, as Lucas busies himself with wiping down the spotless counter. 

“Yeah. Apparently offices don’t get the same holidays as schools. Pity.”

“Aren’t you lonely, though?”

Jens regrets the question as soon as it leaves his mouth, and then ten times more when Lucas turns around to look at him. He leans back against the counter, wrapping his hands around the granite top. He shrugs, tilts his head, and asks, “Aren’t you?”

“Most of my time is spent babysitting,” Jens points out. 

“Lotte isn’t a baby.”

“I’m talking about Lies.”

Lucas snorts, and the tension dissipates. “She’s the one you didn’t want me to meet?”

Jens rolls his eyes. “You could have met her if you wanted to.”

Lucas hums, unconvinced. 

“Really though, Lucas. I’m sorry I fucked up.”

“S’okay,” Lucas shrugs. “Maybe I was being a little harsh.”

“Maybe a little.”

Lucas tilts his head, unimpressed. 

Jens says, “Let me make it up to you.”

That seems to be of slightly more interest to Lucas, who raises a brow before moving to pick up the kettle. “How so?”

“Come hang out with me again. This time I’m going to pick you up from right here so you can’t be left waiting in the cold.”

Lucas asks, “Milk or no milk?”

Jens blinks. It takes him a few seconds to realise he’s talking about the hot chocolate. “Whichever way you prefer it.”

Lucas gets some milk. 

Then he asks, “When?”

“Anytime you want.”

“We’re hanging out right now.”

“That doesn’t count. Come on. I’m giving you a once-in-a-lifetime, all-access pass here. I’m completely at your mercy.”

Now Lucas appears intrigued. “Really?”

Jens is not one to backtrack. He hums affirmingly. 

“Friday?”

Jens nods, and that same feeling is stirring in his chest once more, the thread unwinding into rivulets of apprehension. 

Lucas’s gaze is challenging. “But I’m not organising it. Your apology, your work. I expect big things.”

He sets Jens’s hot chocolate in front of him as Jens grins. “I’m sure something will come to mind.”

**_Wednesday, 17:31_ **

**earthlingoddity:** _hey :) I have a small question for you_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _shoot_

**earthlingoddity:** _do you want to meet up with Robbe and I tomorrow?_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _...what for?_

**earthlingoddity:** _you’ll find out if you join us 😋_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _why so mysterious??_

**earthlingoddity:** _do you want to join?_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _okay. what time?_

**earthlingoddity:** _around 6? I’ll send you the address tomorrow :)_

**_Thursday, 18:02_ **

**Song:** **_Daði Freyr - Think About Things_ **

Lucas finds himself pleased at how easy it is to pick Sander out from a crowd. If the white hair doesn’t give it away, the jacket does; if the jacket isn’t enough, the laughter is; and if that fails, the boyfriend is always a good confirmation. 

Robbe is the one who spots Lucas first, wrapped up in his usual brown coat and then Sander, who whispers something in Robbe’s ear that makes him roll his eyes. Lucas’s heart clenches. Fondness and jealousy war inside him and tangle into a tight knot. A thin thread of fear completes it. He always marvels at them, at the openness of their affection, and yet he still finds himself casting his gaze around for the onlookers who don’t hold the same respect. Seeing them so free of any guards only makes Lucas’s heighten. 

Especially when Sander turns to look at him, smile wide and eyes bright, but with faint shadows lingering underneath. He holds his hand out when Lucas is a few feet away and Lucas clasps it in greeting, allowing Sander to tug him forward into a half hug. “Hey.”

His tone is cheerful, light, and still Lucas does a discreet examination, noticing the tousled hair and drooped shoulders and worrying, until he catches sight of the faint bruise not quite tucked away under his collar. He moves his gaze to Robbe, who hasn’t unwound his arm from the other’s waist and holds a blush high in his cheeks, but seems pleased and unbothered, and he understands. He extends the same greeting to Robbe as he internally berates himself, remembering how his mother would react under the same scrutiny. Sander is the only one capable of knowing what he feels and what he’s up for, and it isn’t Lucas’s place to play doctor. Clearly, even the blonde’s boyfriend has learned that. 

“So, why exactly have I been invited to third wheel for the day?” Lucas asks. 

Robbe huffs a laugh. “I think that’ll actually be me today. I’m not exactly part of this plan.”

“You’re always part of my plan,” Sander dismisses easily, ignorant to the blush he earns in response as he grins excitedly at Lucas. “How do you feel about an actual lesson in art, protégé?”

“Wait, seriously?” Lucas raises a brow. He’d assumed, when Sander had reached out to him, that it was art-themed. But even now, he isn’t sure what exactly to expect. 

“That is assuming you don’t already know what you’re doing,” Robbe amends. “How much practice have you had with graffiti?”

Lucas’s eyes almost bulge out of his head. “Really?”

Sander purses his lips, amused, as Robbe raises his brows. “Is that a lot, or…?”

“None. I haven’t done any. Yet.”

“Ahh,” Sander rubs his hands together, beaming. “Then today’s your lucky day. Come.”

Lucas doesn’t need to be told twice. He follows them closely down the sidewalk, the two in constant contact but never excluding, always trying to invite Lucas in. Lucas laughs at their teasing and nods at their explanations and listens raptly to their tales and only feels his excitement grow. Art is something he’s been neglecting, recently, aside from a few flurries of rushed sketches, but the passion has seemed to revive full force by just being in Sander’s presence. His love for the subject is obvious in every exaggerated word and extravagant gesture of hands, and Lucas is effectively entranced. Graffiti was never a medium he’d considered seriously, but he’s always admired. He’s more than aware of Sander’s talent for it, and admits that a lesson from such a person is not a bad way to start off. 

It also makes him feel that bit more insufficient. He can’t possibly match up to either of these boys, be it in bravery or talent or both. It dims his excitement, just slightly. 

But his spirits are quickly revived as they finally make it to their destination. Sander hands him a mask made from black cloth from his pocket and waits as he and Robbe tuck them over their ears. Only then does he don his own with a wink before rapping his knuckles rhythmically on the garage door. 

The inside space is much bigger than Lucas expects, opening up to reveal rows of large containers, all decorated with at least one piece of art. Sander guides Lucas and Robbe through them, indicating artists he ‘knows’, complete pieces he’s captured while they were still in progress, and a few small things of his own tucked away behind new layers. 

“Take a good look around,” Sander says, turning to wink at Robbe. Lucas only has a few seconds to be confused before he adds, “You might find the love of your life here.”

Lucas raises his brows. “This is where the two of you met?”

“Met is a strong word,” Robbe says, rolling his eyes at Sander. “I didn’t even see him.”

“No, he was too focused on his girlfriend at the time,” Sander agrees lightly. 

“But he claims he saw _me_ and it was love at first sight.” Robbe reaches up to pinch his boyfriend’s cheek, and Lucas allows a small laugh. “Even though he could barely see my face.”

“Didn’t need to,” Sander shrugs. “I was right, wasn’t I?”

Robbe comes to a halt and tugs at Sander’s hand, drawing him around to face him. He pulls down Sander’s mask after tugging away his own, leaning in for a short kiss. It takes Lucas longer than it should to avert his gaze. He just doesn’t think he can ever get used to it. 

While actually watching them, he doesn’t think he could ever do that. He doesn’t think he could ever _be_ that. 

But he wants to. 

When he looks away, his gaze catches on a bright patch hidden amongst a cloud of grayscale. His feet carry him towards it on their own accord, and it takes a few moments for him to realise what it is. It’s a patchwork rainbow of colours, blended together but with dark, specific lines cutting through and outlining it to form a heart, in its scientific detail. Lucas would scoff, if there wasn’t something about it that had ridden him speechless in awe, hand reaching out to brush over the dried paint. 

He doesn’t notice Sander until he’s right at his shoulder, then he jumps when he speaks. 

“Huh?” Lucas twists to look at him. 

“Nice piece,” Sander repeats. “I don’t actually remember seeing it before.”

“You don’t know who did it, then?”

“No. Even the style isn’t familiar.”

Lucas nods and lets his hand fall away, following when Sander sets off in a new direction. He’s led to a blank spot on one of the containers, with a crate of spray paint already waiting at the top of the short steps. Excitement bubbles back up in him as he jogs up after Sander, only to turn back in confusion when he realises Robbe hasn’t followed. He catches sight of him fist-bumping another guy in greeting, over a head taller than him and built like a wall. Sander follows his gaze and snorts at the picture, giving a little wave when Robbe turns his gaze on him suspiciously. 

Then Sander turns back to the space and rubs his hands together. “Okay. Have you ever done any spray-painting before?”

“I haven’t even held a can.”

Sander immediately picks a can out and smacks it into his hand. “Then today is really your lucky day. We’re gonna start with a neutral layer then, just to get you used to how it feels. You can try with some vague shapes just to practice lines?”

Lucas nods, trying not to appear too lost already. Sander smiles slightly, anyway, and picks up a can of his own, giving it a vigorous shake as he finally tugs his mask back up over his face. Lucas copies him, getting used to the hold of it, adjusting his grip a few times until he feels more comfortable. When Sander uncaps his Lucas does the same. Then he watches as Sander sprays a quick, messy wave downwards in example.

When Lucas moves to copy him, Sander quickly catches his hand. “Woah, woah. First lesson—always make sure the nozzle is pointing the right way, yeah? We don’t want you losing an eye. Jens will never like me.”

Lucas flushes, turns the can around the right way, and hesitantly presses down when Sander nods. White covers gray in a sudden, heavy stream, and he carefully moves his hand in a small circle. He’s shading this in under Sander’s mildly impressed—but still watchful—gaze before the end of his words sink in. 

“What has Jens got to do with spray-painting?”

Sander glances at him, then shrugs, raising his own can again and looping a circle through Lucas’s. “Not the painting, just you. You’re his new favourite, aren’t you? And he already didn’t seem impressed that we knew each other. Last thing I ever want to do is prove Jens right.”

“You don’t get along?” Lucas asks carefully. 

“Oh no, we do. We just also like the healthy sort of competition we have going on. He acts like he’s annoyed and I annoy him a little more. It’s nice. Works well.”

Lucas smiles in mild confusion. “Why, though? You’re both really cool, you probably have a few obscure things in common. Wouldn’t you rather be closer?”

Another shrug. “It’s not completely up to me. I don’t know that Jens is acting, all the time.”

“What, you think you annoy him?”

Sander examines the little symbol they’ve created as he searches for a response. “I think I’m always worthy of concern, in his eyes. He’s very protective of Robbe, and I respect that,” he settles on. 

It doesn’t entirely satisfy Lucas. “He doesn’t need to protect Robbe from you.”

Sander turns towards him and offers, from the new curve of his cheeks, what Lucas assumes is a smile. “No?”

Lucas shakes his head. “No one loves Robbe more than you. It’s not possible.”

That seems to brighten the other boy, slightly, and Lucas wonders if Jens is even aware of this doubt in their relationship. It seems unlikely. If he knew the way it weighed on the blonde, Lucas is sure he’d quickly set him right. It saddens Lucas, to see the tightly-drawn curl of Sander’s shoulders as he ducks down to collect a new can and doesn’t quite meet his eye as he rises again. He’s sure Jens wouldn’t like it, either. 

“Robbe told you, right? About my…”

The reason for the tension suddenly becomes more clear. Lucas hates that the other boy can’t even say it. “Yeah. I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to know, I wasn’t meaning to pry—“

“No,” Sander cuts him off, raising his free hand and giving a small shake of his head. “I told Robbe it was okay. I’m sorry that I couldn’t explain it myself. It’s usually...not an issue so quickly after I meet someone.”

“It isn’t an issue,” Lucas says softly, simply. 

Sander shakes the new can and watches his own movements closely. “I would have just liked you to get to know _me_ first. I understand if you—if it changes how you see me.”

Lucas tilts his head and sets a gentle hand on Sander’s arm, waiting until the other boy looks at him. There is, Lucas realises, a vulnerability in him that he hadn’t noticed in any of their previous meetings. A dull, contained sadness behind the eccentric persona. It strikes a chord more familiar in Lucas’s chest than the initial one, the one that had seen an outsider and an extravagant and an artist. Now he sees more clearly—a struggler and a fighter and a savior. 

The only thing that has changed, in Lucas’s opinion of Sander, is that he’s ten times more interesting than he’d originally thought. Lucas views him as more of a kindred spirit now than before. 

“How I see you,” Lucas muses. “You mean as the scarily talented, intimidatingly cool, older guy who is literally teaching me one of the most awesome art-forms ever right now? Yeah, Sander, it’s real disappointing.”

He shakes his head, disbelieving, and is gratified at the small laugh Sander lets out in response. 

“Wait,” Sander teases, “do I have my first fanboy?”

Lucas scoffs, then nods his head behind them. “I doubt I’m the first.”

The mask works at hiding his cheeks, but Lucas still sees his neck reddening as he looks over his shoulder at Robbe. His eyes seem to brighten and soften at once when he finally catches sight of him. Lucas realises then how deep their affection actually goes. It throws him, how clear it is suddenly, how little Sander does to hide it, how easily Robbe feels his eyes and turns to reciprocate even though there shouldn’t be any way for him to know. They are that in tune, that in sync, that it baffles Lucas to watch them. He can’t imagine anyone ever looking at him like that. 

_Aren’t you lonely?_

Lucas shakes the memory way and finds himself admitting, “My mom is bipolar, too.”

Sander looks back at him instantly. 

“No one else here knows that, so. You’re the first,” he continues, awkwardly, pointlessly, stupidly. Where is he going with this?

It doesn’t matter. He just needed to say it. 

“Oh,” Sander says. Then his tone softens. “Is that why you moved here?”

Lucas averts his gaze and gives a small, jerky nod. “My dad...he made us. He couldn’t—no, he wouldn’t stay. I miss her. Everyday. It doesn’t make me love her any less. I just miss my mother.”

Sander’s shoulders slump, but before he can say anything else Robbe is climbing the steps and joining them. “How’s it going?”

Sander shifts his gaze to his boyfriend and Lucas feels the tension holding his spine seep away. Robbe and Sander pull their masks down again in tandem, sharing nothing more than a quick peck. It’s just enough of a distraction for Lucas to make himself look busy, as he sprays the hasty shape of a designer-heart on the container, next to their circles. Then he does a careful ‘R + S’ inside. 

Robbe makes a small noise that may be a cheer as Sander snorts. “We have a natural here. I think he might even have something to teach me.”

Lucas turns to him with a retort ready on his tongue and stops when he sees Sander’s serious, but warm gaze. He realises that it isn’t about the painting. 

He reaches out and knocks Sander’s shoulder fondly, smiling to himself when Sander squeezes his in response. 

**_Friday, 19:19_ **

**Song:** **_Tyler, The Creator - I THINK_ **

Jens shoves his hand through his hair as he looks in the mirror, releasing a small noise of frustration when it simply makes the mess worse. It’s not like his jeans and sweater are particularly stylish in the first place, but well, that only encourages him to put more effort in. 

He feels like he’s probably being a little ridiculousㅡgetting ready to meet up with Lucas like he’s preparing for a date. 

Except, that kind of feels like what it is. 

The thought only works to make him more nervous, so he tucks it away, back into the far recesses of his mind. Then he takes another look at himself and his shoulders slump. The thing is, it doesn’t matter what type of outing this is. Lucas never looks like a mess. Even when Jens had found him just out of bed, he’d been perfect.

There is also the chance that Jens’s opinion is a little biased. 

He pushes through his hair one more time and then heaves a sigh and leaves the bathroom. Lucas is meeting him at the end of the street, meaning it’s too early to leave yet unless he wants to spend the ten minutes standing in the cold. Instead, he makes his way to the kitchen for a glass of water before he goes. 

He pauses in the doorway when he sees his father at the counter, already turning around and deciding to just leave when the man catches sight of him. 

“You going out?”

Jens purses his lips and slowly walks into the kitchen, twisting his hands. “Yep.”

“Who with?”

“Just...the guys.”

His father hums. “Has there been a new addition to your group? This boy you invited when you took Lotte out?”

Jens doesn’t like this. “Yeah.”

“What’s his name?”

“Lucas.” The word wavers, and he hopes his father doesn’t catch on to it. He doesn’t want to know why he’s asking—why he wants to know. He busies himself by going to fetch that glass of water, noticing that his dad is actually rinsing off his dinner plate—only finished, an hour after the rest of them. 

“The prince,” Vince says. 

With his back turned to him as he opens the fridge, Jens allows a smile. “Lotte liked that.”

The man hums, and Jens turns around to see him setting the plate aside. “What’s he like?”

“He’s cool.”

He doesn’t give any more than that. He doesn’t like the idea of giving away anything, but he knows exactly why his father is asking, and it makes his stomach churn. He turns back towards the counter and takes a sip from his glass, hoping the man will get the idea and leave it there. 

Of course, he knows that won’t work. 

“Yeah, but what’s he _like_?” 

Jens carefully sets his glass down. “What are you asking?”

“Well, is he, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.”

Vince rolls his eyes. “I’m trying to be polite.”

Jens raises his brows, but schools his expression back into something neutral before turning to look at him. “You’re being polite by nosying into my friends’ personal lives?”

“It’s a fair question, Jens. You’re already hanging out with two of them now, don’t you think it’s a bit much? That wouldn’t have been the image I wanted, especially at your age.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, how many teen boys do you see going around in Prince outfits? What kind of vibes does that give off?”

Jens shakes his head, incredulous. “How many gay princes do you know, Dad, huh? Seriously, why does it matter?” 

“It matters because you’re not even aware of the issue with it.”

Jens tosses his hands up. “What fucking issue?”

His father takes a few quick steps towards him and Jens’s mouth snaps shut as a warning finger is thrust in his face. They’re roughly the same height—Jens is perhaps even a hairsbreadth taller—and it makes it a lot easier for him to hold eye contact. He refuses to back down, even as the man’s voice lowers to a threatening register. “Watch your words, Jens. I might encourage you to stand up for yourself but I’d mind your manners. You won’t speak to me like that. Understood?”

Jens holds his gaze for another few seconds, but eventually averts it with a clipped nod. His heart roars in his ears, anger and adrenaline simmering under his skin, but he knows the best thing is to draw the conversation to an end. He’s going to be late meeting Lucas. 

It doesn’t matter how much it bothers him when Vince drops his hand and tuts, brushing past Jens and still muttering. 

“Always on the defense. You’ll be telling me you’re one of them next.”

Jens’s body locks up. But still he turns to watch his father leave the kitchen, lips parting to release the words on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows them down. 

_What if I am?_

He takes a slow breath and pours the rest of his water down the sink. He collects his coat from the hallway and slips his keys into the pocket, then takes his skateboard from its spot beside the door and heads out. He’s glad when he makes it to the end of the street and there’s still no sign of Lucas—he hasn’t been left waiting for Jens at all. He blows out a sigh of relief and slips his phone out of his jeans, taking it to make sure he hadn’t missed anything, but his last message is still Lucas telling him he was getting ready to leave his apartment, after asking Jens if they could just meet at the end of his street. 

He puts his phone back and stuffs his hands into the pocket of his jacket, rolling his board back and forth under his foot. He feels nervous. Then he feels ridiculous for feeling nervous. Then he reminds himself it isn’t ridiculous. The erratic beat of his heart around Lucas is meaningful. 

_What if I am?_

He hears Lucas before he sees him. The light trundle of his board over the sidewalk gives him away, and Jens turns to look at him as it gets louder, bringing the boy closer until Jens can see him clearly. 

He looks, as Jens expected, perfect. He’s wearing lighter coloured jeans matched with his pink sweater from earlier in the week and his more familiar denim jacket. It’s terrifying, the reaction Jens has at the simple sight of him—the realisation that he doesn’t just admire his jeans but how they hug his legs, that his pulse skips at the blueness of his eyes, that his hands ache with the desire to drag through perfectly swept curls. The scariest realisation is that it’s hard to keep himself at bay. He has to work to keep his muscles in place, to stop himself from reaching out. 

Especially when Lucas stops right in front of him with a smile, trapping his board under his foot and dripping his voice over Jens like honey. “Hey.”

Jens wishes he had drunk the rest of his water—his throat is suddenly dry. “Hey.” 

Lucas’s smile widens, almost as if he knows. Jens supposes it isn’t impossible. He doesn’t think he’s managed to be all that subtle. He doesn’t think he’s imagining Lucas looking back. He definitely didn’t just imagine their almost-kiss, already a week ago. 

He isn’t supposed to feel this way. He realises that. He knows he’s never looked at a boy before and feels what he feels when he looks at Lucas. He isn’t supposed to be interested. Not in this way. 

But...what if?

_I am._

“For an apology, it’s kind of shitty of you to make me come the whole way out here,” Lucas muses. 

Jens thinks to shove his shoulder, then resists. If he starts touching him, he might never be able to stop. He rolls his eyes instead. “It was your idea.”

“Well, I just thought it makes more sense than you coming further out of the city, but I thought you’d argue with me. Be chivalrous.”

“Says Prince Charming.”

“You’ll never let that one go, will you?”

“Never.”

Lucas huffs, ducking his head down as he shakes it to hide his smile. Jens wants to kiss it. Jens wants to be able to stop thinking about wanting to kiss him. 

He’s dug himself into a hole, and instead of trying to climb his way out, he’s letting himself be buried.

“Are you at least going to tell me where you’re taking me?” Lucas raises a brow. 

Jens lets his lips curve into a smile of their own. “What, do you think it’s just going to be one place? For a masterful apology?”

Lucas’s brow raises further.

“Come on. It’ll be easier to show you.”

Instead of giving Lucas a chance to answer, he settles his foot more firmly on his board and kicks off, giving the other no choice but to follow. He hears Lucas’s shouted protest behind him and merely grins, letting himself idle along until Lucas catches up. Lucas shoots him a dirty look that quickly gets swallowed by his own smile, and then they’re heading out of the neighbourhood. 

They don’t get to talk much on the way, it being too difficult over the sound of their wheels and the wind blowing between them. Instead they find themselves, for a short moment, in the midst of a mini war, when Lucas reaches out and gives Jens a light shove. Jens manages to avoid toppling as Lucas himself wobbles from the action, and then he’s jabbing back, Lucas’s hands shooting up to catch his just a moment too late. They squabble back and forth, arms tangling in the middle, and Jens would worry about one of them genuinely getting hurt if his chest wasn’t filled with glee. It’s difficult, however, to worry about anything with the sound of Lucas’s laughter in his ears, bright and clear and joyous, a far cry from the silence he’d had to suffer through at the beginning of the week. 

They only stop when Jens does slip and almost twist his ankle, distracted not by Lucas’s pokes but by his lips stretched into a wide smile, the mischievous sparkle in his eye—and also his hands, yes, a little. 

The first place Jens stops is a small convenience store—one that he knows serves whipped ice-cream. 

Lucas seems confused, but doesn’t say anything as he follows Jens in, only to brighten instantly when Jens orders them both a cone and shoots him a wink. Lucas elbows him in response but eagerly takes the ice-cream that is handed over, scoffing after at Jens’s smug expression. 

“You know, you won’t always just get away with things by taking advantage of my sweet tooth.”

Jens hums and tries to hide how much he likes the sound of ‘always’. “We’ll see.” He bumps Lucas’s shoulder with his own and Lucas makes a cut-off shout when it almost causes his ice-cream to topple. 

He shoves Jens away from him as Jens throws his head back and laughs, bemused at Lucas’s utterly furious expression. 

“I would’ve bought you another one,” Jens soothes. 

“Fucking right you would have,” Lucas mutters, petulant, and Jens laughs louder. 

They carry their boards for the moment, keeping them tucked under their arms as they eat. Jens guides Lucas through some of the side streets, where he and the boys have caught sight of graffiti before, thinking Lucas will appreciate it. He regrets the idea only slightly when Lucas appreciates it so much that he stops paying attention to Jens. The enraptured look on his face is enough to make up for it. 

“I wish I had a camera,” he says, almost to himself, and he seems so genuinely forlorn that Jens wants to buy him one on the spot. Anything to bring his smile back and keep it there. 

He lets out an exasperated sigh instead. “I’ve really just gotten myself my own Sander, huh.”

Lucas raises his brows, but his smile has returned. “Your own?”

Jens hadn’t even realised his mistake. He should fix it, brush over it, but his throat has dried up under Lucas’s gaze and he can do nothing more than blush and look away. Lucas turns his body towards him and seems to move to take a step closer before thinking better of it. Jens wishes he wouldn’t. He wants to reel him right in. He wants to kiss him. 

He doesn’t want to do it here. 

“We’ll come back sometime with your camera. For now, there’s something else I want to show you.”

He drops his skateboard back onto the ground and slowly rolls away, nodding at Lucas to follow. 

Lucas drops his board, too, but doesn’t follow before asking, “Where are we going?”

Jens simply smiles. “Come.”

Lucas follows. 

**_Friday, 21:21_ **

**Song:** **_Haux - Seaside_ **

Lucas finds it hard to believe that he’s been wandering around the city for two hours. He feels like he should be exhausted—he had been, before he left. But as he follows Jens through unfamiliar streets, he feels wide awake. 

There’s finally enough room for them to skate side by side, which means Jens isn’t looking over his shoulder every two seconds and making Lucas worry that he’s going to crash. Instead they glance across at each other every few seconds, Lucas with curiosity and Jens with barely-contained excitement. Lucas has no idea where they're going. For all he knows, Jens is currently leading him to his death. 

Still, he gladly follows. 

“You remember I’m still on curfew, right?” Lucas reminds him, still, even though he himself is glad to ignore the looming deadline right now. 

But Jens simply nods and lifts his shoulders in a shrug. “We’ve still got a bit over an hour left, right?”

Lucas nods. 

“Okay, good. Plenty of time.”

“For what? Where are we going?”

Jens huffs a laugh. “Don’t you like surprises?”

“In the dark, in an unfamiliar place, with a strange guy…”

“Hey,” Jens protests, reaching out and giving his shoulder a shove. “I’m not strange.”

“Who may be prone to violence,” Lucas adds. 

Jens snorts, and doesn’t argue any further, focusing on the destination ahead—wherever it may be. Lucas doesn’t really mind. He takes the opportunity to appreciate the other’s profile; he catalogues the curve of his lashes, the straight slope of his nose, plump lips and a sharp jaw, and then he tears his gaze away. He shouldn’t feel so excited. He shouldn’t be acting like the air between them is electric, magic, when Jens has been nothing other than friendly and welcoming. He shouldn’t forget the possibility that he’s getting his hopes up for nothing. 

But he’s still getting his hopes up. 

It’s hard not to, with Jens. Lucas isn’t sure what he expects him to think, when he’s taking him on a tour of his favourite spots in the city and buying him ice cream and shooting him smiles every few seconds. He supposes he’s meant to think that Jens is a good friend. A nice guy. He isn’t supposed to be thinking about how pretty he is or how nice it would be to be more than his friend. He’d gone through this process with Kes already, over a much longer time-period, and he hadn’t managed to knock himself out of it just to come here and have him fall back into the same trap—just with a different boy. 

The ‘boy’ part seems to be the recurring problem, but Lucas isn’t too keen on the feelings aspect in general. It’s already caused him more idiotic heartache than it’s worth. He has to stop being crushed every time his expectations are met. He should be learning to control the fury of pain in his chest when he sees the boy he likes with a girl they like. He should not be stoking the flames. 

Jens is making it very, very hard. 

He rolls to an abrupt stop and catches Lucas by the waist so he does the same, and Lucas’s pulse jumps and then settles into an unsettled rhythm. Jens laughs and releases him much too quickly, leaving Lucas watching him mournfully as he climbs down a few steps to the doorway of a dark building. Lucas raises his brow as Jens leans his weight against the door and shoves, grinning excitedly back at Lucas when it swings open. 

He beckons him forward with a tilt of his head. “Come on. This is the main event,” he wiggles his brows. 

Lucas picks up his board and takes a few skeptical steps closer. “Is this legal?”

Jens shrugs. “Live a little.”

Lucas takes that as a _maybe not_. 

He trots down the steps and lets Jens lead him inside. 

The entryway is nothing more than a square of space, only leaving enough room for the two of them to take three steps through the door before getting to the open space. It’s shrouded in darkness, invisible to Lucas beyond a few vague shapes that are illuminated, Lucas realises, by the gaping hole in the center of the ceiling. It brightens further when Jens flips on a softbox light in the corner, grinning at Lucas as the space finally becomes visible. 

The ground drops away about a foot from Lucas into a long slope, which curves up at the opposite side. It twists around the expanse of the room, winding in and out, stretching and gapping. Inside the dugout space there are scattered heights, varying from bumps to slopes with tops level with the ground Lucas currently stands on. 

“Jens...what?”

Jens walks slowly over to rejoin him, spreading his arms wide to showcase his discovery. “It’s an indoor skatepark. Well, park probably isn’t the right word, and it isn’t really anything anymore, but it’s cool, right?”

Lucas can do nothing more than nod, having been rendered momentarily mute. There’s nothing particularly special about it, really. An artfully carved out space lit up under a half moon and a sprinkling of stars. Yet there’s something about it—about the hidden quietness of it, the secrecy the rundown walls seem to hold, the forgotten, abandoned tone that entice a sort of intimacy in those lucky enough to still witness it. The truth is that it’s the kind of place Lucas loves, and one he can’t believe Jens found. 

More than anything, he’s awed that Jens has thought to share it with him. 

“How’d you find this?” he asks, once he’s finally found his voice again, when Jens has returned right to his side. 

“My dad took me here once when I was really young, before it shut down because they went out of business. But then a few years ago, it went on fire.” Jens points at the ruined ceiling. “Or someone set it on fire, I guess. But it only seemed to be the roof that was damaged, and they cleared it away so it wouldn’t be as tempting to throw a match in the ruins and do the rest of the place. But they never thought to get a proper lock.”

Lucas huffs, shaking his head. Marveling. At the space, no, but at Jens. His ease, his cool, even when overshadowed by nerves, rocking on his heels as he watches Lucas impatiently.

“Do you like it?” He asks eventually, carefully. 

Lucas says, “It’s amazing,” and means _you’re amazing_. It makes Jens beam all the same. 

“So? You wanna give it a try?”

Lucas is stepping on his board before Jens can even finish. “Race you.”

“Hey,” Jens calls after him, protesting, and Lucas laughs as he soars down the ramp. He hears Jens’s board follow, and passes him after he turns halfway up the far curve, catching his high-five as they pass. 

It’s thrilling and freeing and achingly good, to be alone with Jens in such a place. To not have to care about anyone else, but move around as he pleases, look at Jens however he likes, laugh as loudly as he wants. He’s been happier the whole evening than he’s been since moving here, but there’s something about this that takes it to a new level. Something anticipatory, something in the making, something waiting. Lucas isn’t sure what it is, but he can imagine it’s only so long before the tension finally breaks. It’s flying closer and closer to a crescendo as they fly over the ramps, and Lucas is filled with elation as he reaches the peak. 

He comes back down with a little too much speed, and his heart spasms in panic for a split-second, but there’s no need. 

Jens is there to catch him. 

He has already abandoned his board a few feet away, and he catches Lucas easily, bodily, arms wrapping around his torso and keeping him on his feet. He’s laughing, right next to Lucas’s ear, letting his joy seep right into Lucas’s skin and blend his own into something even warmer, brighter. Lucas laughs with him, not knowing why, ridiculously giddy, and watches as Jens lays himself out on the floor. He collapses down at the bottom of the half-pipe, letting his body be elevated by the slope and tossing his arm over his eyes, breathing deeply. 

Lucas lowers himself next to him and settles with one arm behind his head and the other between them. 

“This is a very good apology,” he says, looking through the hole in the ceiling at the moon rather than at Jens. 

Jens hums. “This earns me back some brownie points?”

“The ice-cream earned them back. This triples it, or something.”

Jens huffs. Lucas can hear his smile. “Or something.”

They lay in silence for a few moments, getting their breath back and staring at the faint glimpses of stars. Lucas feels calm in the quiet—peaceful in a way he doesn’t usually manage unless he’s alone. Being alone with Jens is possibly even better. 

Jens drops his arm and it settles against Lucas’s. Their pinkies overlap. He looks over at Lucas, and Lucas can hardly make him out in the light of the night and the softbox, yet the glow surrounding him is almost ethereal. “I’ve never brought anyone else here before.”

Lucas keeps his breath even. He raises a brow. “No? What about Robbe?”

“No,” Jens shakes his head. “Just you.”

Lucas’s lips want to smile. He lets them. “I’m honored.”

Jens smiles. It’s contrastingly bright and soft. 

“How often do you come here?” Lucas asks. 

“Not that often.” Jens shrugs, turning back to the stars. “Usually just when I’m really down. If I need to get away, be on my own...I come here. Skating helps, and no one else skates here. I can come here and just be.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to take people to the place you go to be alone.”

“Well,” Jens says, “you’re the first.”

Lucas lets the words settle over him and desperately tries to figure out what they mean. He examines Jens’s profile for answers in the second it takes him to turn his head again, and then he looks for them in his eyes. They’re gentle and open and don’t seem to be hiding anything, but Lucas still doesn’t understand what he’s seeing. 

Jens gets up suddenly, first pushing himself up with his hands and then climbing to his feet, walking backwards into the middle of the space and looking up out at the sky. “You know the whole thing flooded, a while back.”

Lucas sits up and watches him. 

“It was during one of the really bad storms. Obviously with the roof there was nothing to keep the rain out. And the place is basically a big bowl, sunk and everything. It just filled it right up. Turned it into an indoor swimming pool.”

He looks at Lucas as Lucas gets to his feet. “You saw it?”

“Yeah. I think I’m the only one who did. I didn’t even think, and I was just coming here as normal with my board and everything. The water was so clear too. It didn’t go right up to the top, but it was close.”

“You didn’t strip down and go for a swim?”

Jens laughs, free and melodic, and Lucas walks a little closer as he grows mock serious again. “We should do that right now.”

Lucas freezes in his steps, jaw dropping just slightly, but Jens is still smiling. Then he propels his arms in mock swimming motions, zigzagging towards Lucas as he does, and Lucas laughs and bats his arms down when he reaches him. Jens grins, and keeps walking, only stopping when he’s right in front of Lucas, where he seems to freeze up. 

Lucas hears his breath catch, and his eyes flicker between Lucas’s, and Lucas has only a moment to think _he’s even prettier up close_. 

Then Jens’s body shifts as if he intends to step away, and Lucas locks his hands around his neck and pulls him down into a kiss. 

He doesn’t give himself any time to doubt, to talk himself out of it, and neither does Jens. He responds instantly with a sigh, hands flying up to hold Lucas’s face as he kisses back, lips firm and insistent and yet soft. Chapped and careful and needy as he presses against Lucas and melts. 

Lucas lets out something more embarrassing than a sigh—a groan or a moan of utter relief. His body, his skin and his veins and his blood are all alight, his heart pumping fire as Jens steals the breath from his lungs and Lucas kisses him with everything he has. It’s easy. To find a rhythm with their lips and to part them at Jens’s request, to grip at the back of his neck and tug at his hair and urge more out of him, to feel pleasure shoot down his spine and happiness swarm his stomach with an unknown intensity. 

He has never, in his life, felt anything like that. 

Even though he has kissed softer lips, and thread his hands through longer hair, and had gentler hands on his cheeks, he has never, in his life, experienced anything as good as this. He has never wanted, ached for anything more, and he has certainly never imagined he’d be lucky enough to get what he wants. 

But Jens kisses him, and breathes, and then kisses him again, and shows no signs of stopping. 

Lucas could happily live on this, forever. He doesn’t need anything else. He can’t even bring himself, at any moment, to wish for air. 

It has never felt easier to breathe. 

Jens finally breaks away to pant, chest heaving against Lucas’s and shaking with a laugh as Lucas raises up to kiss his cheek, pressing his nose to the same spot and breathing him in before he’s able to meet his gaze. Jens looks back in complete and utter awe, then leans down to kiss him again. 

It’s impossible, and disgusting, just teeth against teeth because they’re smiling too wide, unable to hold themselves at bay, and still they try, giggling against each other’s mouths. It becomes easier when Jens slides his hands over the slope of Lucas’s shoulders, skimming down his ribcage to settle at his waist. Lucas’s breath hitches, and Jens kisses him quiet, and Lucas’s heart shudders and simmers, the flames quieting down to a low heat. 

Jens’s hands move to his back, the dip of his spine, and pull him closer. Lucas goes easily, pressing up onto his toes to bring them chest to chest, and the kiss gentles and deepens, lips wrapping around lips and tongues gliding over the swollen skin. 

Lucas is glad, at least, that he already knows how to kiss. 

But he’s struck dumb by the fact that this is the first one he’s ever really enjoyed. 

Then again by the fact that it’s _Jens_. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” Jens mumbles, seconds or minutes or hours later, somewhere in the time Lucas has lost track of. 

Lucas doesn’t even think before answering an honest, “Me too.” Quiet and private—a whisper in the dark, a confession witnessed only by the moon and the stars. 

Then it hits them, and they break, giggling again, and Lucas tucks his face into Jens’s neck and wraps his arms tightly around his waist. Jens shifts a hand into his hair and presses a kiss to the top of his head, his temple, the tip of his ear, and Lucas basks in the glow, no longer feeling like he’s on fire. 

He’s finally been set afloat. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild panic attack warning for the last few paragraphs of Thursday’s clip, and warning for mention of homophobic attack and panic attack in both of Friday’s clips.

**_Saturday, 11:32_ **

**Song: _Jon Bellion - Guillotine, Troye Sivan - What A Heavenly Way To Die_**

Jens doesn’t remember the last time he felt like this. 

He doesn’t know if he’s ever felt like this. 

He isn’t even sure what he’s feeling, really. He feels light, but his limbs are relaxed, heavy. There’s a pleasant warmth in his chest. He feels content. At peace. 

He feels happy. 

In another boy’s bed, with said boy wrapped around him, kissing him, he feels happier than he ever remembers being. 

Lucas mumbles, “I can’t kiss you when you’re smiling so much,” and Jens doesn’t bother responding, because Lucas is just as bad. 

They’d spent a little longer than expected at their skatepark last night, hands going numb from the cold and lips from the kisses. It had distracted them to the point of almost forgetting Lucas’s curfew—and he would have gladly ignored it in favour of keeping Jens a little longer, he’d assured, but Jens had convinced him. He didn’t want to be the reason Lucas was locked away from him for longer—especially with these new developments. 

Lucas had only relented under the condition that Jens come with him. It had seemed natural, at that point, and it had taken little (no) convincing for Jens to agree. Even though it meant standing outside for longer, with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his shoulders hunched and his nose beginning to run while Lucas said goodnight to his father and then had to wait before sneaking Jens in. 

It has been more than worth it. 

They’d spent another few hours locked together, trading kisses around smiles with increasing sleepiness. Jens had had to sneak to the bathroom, where Lucas thankfully had a spare toothbrush, and change into the sweats and t-shirt Lucas had given him to sleep in, a little short and a little tight for Jens. 

Lucas hadn’t seemed to mind. He’d smiled and wrapped himself around Jens and kissed him senseless with the little energy he had left, and then he’d curled right into Jens’s chest before falling asleep. 

Jens has been having trouble sleeping. He’d expected last night to be no different. But it was already late, when Lucas dozed off, and the thoughts that usually consumed him seemed absent. Though he expected them to grow louder, more urgent, with the source of all his worrisome developments right in front of his face, it had worked the opposite. He couldn’t bring himself to worry. About his feelings for Lucas, or what that meant about him, or what the boys would think, or what his father would have to say if he knew where Jens was really spending the night. 

Instead he’d looked down at Lucas and felt, finally, a return of his inner peace. Lucas is beautiful in all stages and forms and lights, but he’s an angel when he sleeps. His curls suddenly take on a nature of their own; his brow softens; his lashes caress his cheeks; his lips part around his breaths; his chest rises and falls evenly, warmly, alive right next to Jens’s. Jens had fallen asleep with the image printed on the back of his eyelids and the comforting weight on his chest, a sure hand gripping his waist. He’d fallen asleep with the knowledge that Lucas was there, finally with him in the way Jens had been yearning for in the past few weeks despite his best attempts to ignore it. He’d slept with the memory of Lucas’s kiss and the surety that he would feel it again. 

It was the best sleep he’d had in weeks. 

Awakening had, for once, been equally pleasant. They’d moved during the night, and Jens woke with Lucas’s back pressed to his chest, his own arm wrapped tightly around the boy’s thin waist. It had made it easier to press his smile to Lucas’s skin and litter kisses over his nape, until Lucas was coming alive under his touch and shifting around to give him his first proper kiss of the day. 

Since then—almost two hours ago—they haven’t done much else. Lucas had reassured Jens on waking that his father would definitely be already gone, and he simply knew better than to wake his son on a weekend. It had made it easier for Jens, when they got up to use the bathroom and brush their teeth. Then they’d crawled right back into bed and each other’s arms, picking up where they’d left off. Jens hasn’t had any opportunities to think, to worry, with the line of Lucas’s body pressed against his and his hands grasping Jens’s hair and their lips unrelenting. They pause on occasion, to catch their breath and admire, but they have yet to say much. 

It’s Lucas who is finally brave enough to break the barrier. 

With his hand still in Jens’s hair, running through it absently, he breaks away enough to say, “I thought I’d wake up to an empty bed. Realise it was just a dream.”

Jens’s heart clenches. He thinks he would have had the same fear, if he hadn’t spent so long on his study before drifting off, cataloguing every twitch and weight until he was sure Lucas was real. He shakes his head now, and it makes their noses brush in a vague butterfly kiss, and this makes Lucas smile. So Jens does it again with more purpose. 

Then he kisses the mole above his lip, because he’s wanted to since first noticing it, and now he can. 

“But honestly I don’t think I’d even be capable of dreaming you,” Lucas adds, in barely a whisper, and Jens gives him another soft kiss, light and slow. 

“No?” Jens questions. He’s surprised by how gravely his voice is, but he supposes he shouldn’t be. It’s only right that he sounds simultaneously as wrecked and relaxed as he feels. “Not even in that artist’s head of yours?”

Lucas shakes his head, smiling. “How are you always so chill?”

At that, Jens takes a breath. He rolls onto his back, but doesn’t let it distance himself from Lucas, pulling him along. Lucas tosses an arm over his chest as he settles against his side, but keeps his head next to Jens’s on the pillow. “Honestly? I’m usually a lot more freaked out than I look.”

“Is that what’s happening now?” Lucas asks, and it isn’t judgy or probing, just genuinely curious. 

It’s what allows Jens to answer with an honest shake of his head. “No. You help me chill. Even when you’re making me nervous.”

“Do I make you nervous?”

Jens rolls his eyes at the other’s clear amusement, but he’ll indulge him. He would be lying, otherwise. “A little.”

Lucas grins and reaches up to brush Jens’s hair off his forehead. “Why?”

“I think you know why,” Jens points out. 

Lucas’s grin widens. Before he can say anything else, or tease the words out of Jens, Jens leans in to kiss him again. He’s met with no resistance, Lucas moving to hover over him slightly as he cups Jens’s cheek, not wasting any time before deepening the kiss. Jens grips his shirt at his side and pulls him closer and thinks of his question, noting the hammering beat of his heart now. Lucas makes him nervous frequently, but not in the way he’s used to. Lucas makes him nervous in a way that’s almost pleasant. Exciting. He makes his heart race and his palms sweat and his breath catch and Jens, for once, enjoys all of those feelings. 

Lucas trails his lips down until he can press a kiss to his neck. “You make me nervous, too. But it’s weird. I like it.”

“Me too,” Jens admits. Then worse. “I like you.”

Lucas lifts himself up onto his elbow to gaze down at him, eyes flickering over his face as if expecting to find a lie. Jens looks back at him unflinchingly, even as his pulse has reached a worrying speed. 

“I like you too,” Lucas says quietly, almost cheeky with his smile as he gifts Jens another peck. “In case it isn’t obvious.”

Jens hums, fully cheeky. “It’s a little obvious.”

Lucas retaliates with a sharp tug to Jens’s hair that has his mouth falling open, only for Lucas to claim it once more. It’s so easy—too easy—to get lost in it. Jens feels his mind go pleasantly blank every time Lucas kisses him, leaving him in a state of simple bliss. He doesn’t know why he spent so long fearing this, when it’s easily the most natural thing he’s ever experienced. Right now, kissing Lucas feels easier than breathing. 

“You seem pretty chill, too,” Jens points out, in a lapse in their affection, when Lucas has taken a pause to lay down against him and let Jens run his hand through his curls. Jens is growing fond of them, he realises, quite quickly. He has always admired Lucas’s hair and wondered if it would still sit so perfectly after a little ruffling. He’s oddly pleased to find that it doesn’t. 

Lucas tilts his head to look up at him, resting his chin on his sternum. “I think,” he says carefully, “that I’m just happy.”

Jens’s smile comes slow, but he’s sure it’s unbearably soft. Lucas’s grows to match it. “Me too. And relieved.”

“Very relieved,” Lucas laughs. “I could never be sure if you…”

“Me either.”

Lucas gives him a look. 

Jens laughs. “Seriously. How should I have known?”

Lucas shrugs. “I think it was pretty obvious.”

“Maybe, but I thought I was being obvious, too. I couldn’t help it.”

“Does that mean you’ve done this before?” Lucas asks, after a moment, and it takes Jens a minute to figure out what he means. 

Jens shakes his head, finding it easier to be honest with Lucas’s gentle eyes on him, locks of his hair twisted through Jens’s fingers. “Have you?”

Lucas gives his own denial. He licks his lips before making another admission. “I’ve always known I wanted to, though.”

It takes a moment for Jens to find the courage to say his next words. Even then, he isn’t sure he’ll manage it, but once he starts it comes easy. “I don’t think I ever wanted to, until you.”

Lucas pushes up onto his elbow again and stares down at him, lips parted in surprise. 

“You’re very hard to ignore, though,” Jens says simply. 

“Wait, so you didn’t know you were into guys at all?”

Jens shakes his head, lips pursed. 

“Wait,” Lucas repeats. He pushes himself right up onto his hand until he’s sitting next to Jens with wide eyes and a growing smile. “Am I your gay awakening?”

Jens snorts and shoves him to the other side of the bed. 

Lucas laughs as he lands against the pillow, catching Jens’s arm and using it to draw them side to side again. “I’m serious.”

“Bi awakening, maybe,” Jens allows. It’s harder, having to speak it all out loud, no matter how much he’s thought about it already. No matter how much time he’d spent looking it up, googling quizzes and tests and then abandoning them in favour of researching the words themselves and coming to his own conclusion. Still, it feels heavy on his tongue. He wishes this could all have been conveyed clearly through their lips in other ways. Kissing Lucas is fine; talking about what it means is very different. “I don’t really know yet. The only thing I’m sure of is you.”

He watches Lucas nod, sees the process as his expression morphs into something more serious—something softer. “That’s okay.”

Jens has been trying to tell himself the same thing for weeks. Ever since he’d first seen Lucas and felt that pull, ever since he’d followed him to the bathroom, he’s been telling himself that the tug in his gut, the thrum of his pulse, the flutter of his heart, is okay. With all the new ideas bouncing around in his head, all these familiar-but-changed urges and desires, confusing terms and labels and curious research, he’d had to tell himself that it’s okay. Especially as he remained confused, unsure, _fearful_. It had become his mantra. 

He hasn’t quite believed it until now. Now, he thinks he would probably believe anything Lucas tells him. 

Lucas brushes his hand through his hair. “Sorry for joking. It still scares me too.”

Jens simply shakes his head, dismissing the apology and then smiling, stealing another kiss. “There’s nothing scary about you.”

“No? Not even the first time you saw me?”

Jens strokes his thumb over his jaw. “What would have been scary about that?”

“Finding a random guy when you just went to the bathroom to...what were you doing there?”

“That couldn’t have scared me. I knew you were going to be there. At least, I hoped.”

Lucas blinks at him. “What?”

“I followed you.” It seems easy, to admit all these things. It certainly isn’t the scariest thing he’s done. After kissing Lucas, after spending the night with him, after hearing Lucas say that he _likes_ him, Jens doesn’t think anything could scare him. He’s sure it’ll come back, when he allows himself to think about it again, or when they’re forced to part, all that lingering fear. But for now he’s willing to ride this high they’re on, safe in the little bubble they’ve created for themselves. 

“You followed me? How? I didn’t even see you.”

Jens smiles, shrugs. “But I saw you. You came in with Luca. I hoped that meant I’d get to meet you, but then you walked away. So I followed. You couldn’t have scared me because I was looking for you. But that wasn’t the first time I saw you, anyway.”

“Okay, wait,” Lucas places a finger on his lips, wide-eyed. “Slow down. You followed me at the party. Okay. Where did you see me before? At school?”

Jens shakes his head. “You know how you said you walked around the city, the first weekend you came here? When you saw the mural?”

Lucas nods slowly. 

“I saw you there. You didn’t come close enough to really get a good look, but I saw you. You didn’t see me.”

Lucas shakes his head as his lips begin to curve up in a smile. 

“I thought I’d never see you again. I didn’t know you went to our school. Then I recognised you at the party and I knew I had to take the chance.”

Lucas stares at him for a moment longer, marveling. Jens wants to kiss him again. Instead, he gives him his time to process. He regrets it slightly when Lucas flops onto his back, taking him a little distance away from Jens, but still smiling so wide that Jens can’t be disappointed completely. “Fuck. You had an actual, legit crush on me. What the fuck.”

Jens laughs, reaching up to flick his cheek. “Fuck you. You had a crush on me too.”

Lucas looks over at him and his smile softens. “I did. Since the first day of school.”

Jens freezes. “What?”

“That was the first time I saw you. At lunch. I was talking to Amber and Luca in the courtyard and I saw you and Robbe walking past. You missed me.”

Jens’s lips part. The urge to kiss him strengthens, and this time he doesn’t ignore it, pulling himself over Lucas and letting their lips mold together. Lucas responds instantly, easily, kissing him back deeply, and Jens is overwhelmed with how happy he feels. 

“You didn’t look for me after that?”

Lucas shrugs. “I didn’t know where to look. I always watched, at lunch, in the hallways. But I knew I wouldn’t have had the guts to speak to you if I saw you, anyway.”

Jens shakes his head. “That school’s ridiculous. I can’t believe I didn’t even hear anything about you until the party. And Luca and Amber met you on your first day. Fucking unfair.”

Lucas snorts. “Very.”

“What would you have done? If I hadn’t followed you that night?”

“What would you have done if I hadn’t showed up? Maybe we never would’ve met.”

Jens shakes his head again. “I don’t believe that.”

“No?” Lucas raises a brow, laughing slightly when Jens vehemently shakes his head. “Okay, me neither. I think we were always going to meet. It could have happened in different ways, but it was meant to happen. I like how it went in this universe.”

Jens’s brow furrows even as his lips twitch. He’s still hovering slightly over the other boy. “This universe?”

Lucas hums. “Yeah.”

“Are there other universes, or something?”

“I think so. Parallel universes? Don’t you think about that?”

It’s an idea that has crossed Jens’s mind before. He thinks he may have even discussed it once, with Robbe, when they were both high and his friend did most of the talking. He’s sober now and the thought somehow settles deeper, taking root in his mind and giving him pause. “No.”

Lucas winds his arms around his neck and taps his fingertips against his nape, eyes looking past Jens as he thinks. “Don’t you think about how well it works? Nothing’s ever left undone. You don’t have to think about, what might have been if it’s happening out there somewhere, right now. In a parallel universe I didn’t leave Utrecht. In another, I moved but went to...New York, or something, to become an artist. In another, there’s a Jens and a Lucas, exactly in the same position we are right now but with—without the moving boxes.”

Jens’s lips twitch. “I like the boxes. Matches your chaotic artist vibe.”

Lucas huffs and scratches lightly over his skin. “Have you really never thought about it?”

Jens settles back down on his side and lets out a sigh. “I have,” he admits quietly. Slowly. “But I think it just makes me sad. Like maybe it should help, when you’re down. Thinking there’s another version of me out there who’s doing better, who got it right. Or another that is worse off, so at least I still have this or that. But then I just kind of feel insignificant. Like I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do in this universe. I don’t know what this version of me has to offer.”

Lucas strokes the back of his fingers over his cheek in a light, repetitive motion and smiles softly. “I think you have a lot to offer.”

Jens allows himself to smile back, eyes closing under the gentle ministrations of the other, and Lucas kisses him lightly. Meaningfully. Jens never wants this to end. 

“Maybe in another universe you and the Broerrrs are YouTube famous and I’m one of your fans.”

Jens pulls back and blinks at him. “What do you know about me and the Broerrrs and YouTube?”

Lucas’s cheeks flush with colour as he realises he’s given himself away, and he attempts to shrug it off. “You know your Instagram is full of it, right?”

“Have you watched the vlogs?” Jens asks, amused. 

“Maybe.”

“When?”

Lucas gives him a look, but Jens doesn’t relent. “Tell me,” he pleads. 

Lucas blows out a breath. “The day after I met you.”

“No. That Saturday?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god. You’re adorable.”

Lucas shoves his face away as Jens snorts. “Shut up. I had to see if you were worth—“

“What?” Jens grins. “Pursuing?”

Lucas groans and covers his face with his hands. Then he peeks through his fingers, and there’s a new mischievous glint in his eyes. “There was a makeup video. What did you expect me to do?”

Jens’s grin slips away as terror begins to seep in. “Fuck. You’ve really watched all the vlogs.”

“Mmhm.” Lucas drops his hands to show his shit-eating grin. “Some of them twice.”

“Oh my god,” Jens groans, dropping his face against Lucas’s chest. “I’m the one who should be embarrassed, aren’t I?”

“But you’re so _adorable_.”

“God, shut up. I hate you.”

“That’s not what you said earlier.”

At the realisation that Lucas won’t be silenced easily, Jens decides he has to resort to other methods. He simply has to kiss the cheeky smile right off his face. Lucas laughs slightly at the beginning, but that’s muffled, too, so Jens lets it go. 

“You tease, but you’re the one who called yourself a fan,” Jens mumbles, moments later when it should be forgotten. 

Lucas, however, is unfazed. “I think it’s clear I’m a very big fan of your work, Mr Stoffels.”

Jens laughs quietly. “Is that so?”

Lucas hums, smile wide and easy, and kisses Jens again, soft and quick. 

“How do we meet in that universe?” Jens asks.

Lucas gives a drawn-out shrug. “Maybe I’d post one of my drawings of you and you’d wanna know who I was.”

Jens draws his head back slightly. “Have you drawn me?”

Lucas bites his lip, shifting his gaze away, and Jens puts a hand on his cheek to pull it right back. They gaze at each other for a moment before Lucas grips his hand, turning his face into it to kiss the palm before slipping away, off the bed entirely. Jens rolls onto his back and watches him as he moves to his desk, to the items that are unpacked. His room is mostly organised, Jens realises, only one or two stray boxes remaining. There are books and small knick-knacks on his shelves, his clothes are all packed away in his wardrobe, and there’s even a photo frame here and there as well as a few drawings taped to the wall. Jens hadn’t noticed them last night, with it so dark, and he hadn’t noticed it this morning, with Lucas providing such an easy distraction, so he pushes himself up to examine them now while Lucas has his back to him. He’s too far away to really see them properly, but he can make out outlines of hands in one and the portrait of a woman in another. Jens wants to get up and examine them closer, even though he’s sure Lucas will likely protest. 

Before he can, Lucas is already returning, having found what he was looking for in the form of a simple sheet of paper. Instead of climbing onto the bed next to Jens again, he sits on the opposite side and flops back, head almost hitting Jens’s thigh. Then he holds the sheet out to him. 

Instead of taking it, Jens adjusts himself so he’s next to Lucas, twisting around so they’re head to head with their legs dangling off opposite sides of the bed and pressing a kiss to Lucas’s cheek as he settles down. Lucas huffs, but smiles as he passes Jens the paper and Jens holds it above himself to examine. 

It’s a drawing of him. He’s looking off to the side, not directly at the viewer. It’s a simple sketch, an outline with the shading only quickly done, but there’s still a noticeable brightness in the eyes, still a glint to the curve of the lips. It’s easily recognisable, utterly ridiculous in its detail. Jens can’t believe Lucas has managed to capture him so perfectly—so effortlessly—from what must have only been memory. 

“You seriously drew this?”

“Before you say it’s weird, I’ve also drawn Sander and Luca a few times. I like sketching new faces.”

Jens turns to him and raises a brow, putting them almost nose to nose. “You’ve drawn me more than Sander though, right?”

Lucas huffs again, and his hand lands back in Jens’s hair and gives another gentle tug. Jens thinks he might also be gaining an affection for Lucas’s hands, and this seems even less surprising. Especially when they’re being placed on him. “Yeah, I’ve drawn you most.”

Jens grins and nods to himself, pleased, even as Lucas rolls his eyes. He examines the drawing for another moment before carefully setting it aside and turning his head for yet another kiss. It’s a little more difficult, like this, a little sloppier with their heads placed in completely opposite directions, but they manage. Lucas already has his hand in Jens’s hair, helping guide him, and Jens lets his fingertips play with the ends of the other’s curls, still floating about unstyled. Jens decides he likes it that way. 

He only gets to enjoy it, the pleasant high, for another few moments. Then his phone buzzes in his pocket and snaps him out of it. 

He sighs even before he checks it, with Lucas’s lips still pressing against his, before he pulls away to slide it out of his pocket. Lucas presses a string of kisses down his cheek as he reads the message. It somehow works to soften the blow and sadden him further all at once. 

“My dad wants me home,” he mumbles eventually, turning his pout to Lucas, letting him kiss it away. 

Lucas sighs. “That was bound to happen eventually.”

Jens knows that. He just hoped that he would be allowed this for a little longer. He doesn’t want to think of his father. Their last interaction hadn’t been on the best terms, and Jens is surprised now at the neutrality of his text, the lack of any animosity. He supposes staying with Moyo turned out to be the best excuse. 

“I don’t want to leave yet,” he admits, because it is the truth. He doesn’t want to step out that door and have reality set in again. He doesn’t want to have to think about all of this without Lucas there to reassure him with his touches and his kisses, to remind him that he’s making the right decision. He’s worried, that his mind will pit him against this idea of them when it isn’t something concrete. 

“Is everything okay with your dad?”

It isn’t, but Jens doesn’t want to ruin this with that discussion right now. “He just needs me to watch Lotte. I don’t know why Lies can’t, but there’s no arguing with him.”

Lucas nods, understanding even in his disappointment. “This isn’t going to disappear with you when you leave, is it?”

“No,” Jens promises, instant and earnest, sliding his hand into Lucas’s hair as he shakes his head. “It won’t be like that. Promise.”

It’s enough to make Lucas relax, melting back into the bed as he smiles in return, giving Jens another easy peck. 

Jens’s chest hurts. It aches to bring him back to Lucas, even though he hasn’t put an extra inch of physical distance between them yet. “Do you think if I ignored him, you could hide me in here forever?”

“Do you want to stay forever?” Lucas asks, amusement tinged with genuine surprise. 

Jens nods. “Can I?”

“You can,” Lucas whispers. “Another Jens can deal with it.”

Jens huffs, but can’t deny how good the offer sounds. “Deal.”

Lucas’s smile grows as he leans in to kiss him again. 

Jens can probably spare another few minutes. 

**_Saturday, 22:10_ **

**Jens:** _ugh it sucks that I can’t see you at all tomorrow_

**Lucas:** _it’s important that you say goodbye to Jana. you’ll see me on Monday_

**Jens:** _but that’s so far away 😪_

**Lucas:** _it’s not that far_

**Jens:** _:(_

_I expected a lil more enthusiasm 😔_

**Lucas:** _god I can’t wait to kiss you again_

**Jens:** _😳_

**Lucas:** _😌😌😌_

**_Sunday, 14:07_ **

**Song: _Sam Smith - How Do You Sleep_**

Lucas feels a little ridiculous, smiling dopily at his phone while he sits at the kitchen table, but it’s impossible not to. He always smiles at messages from Jens—has done since first meeting him—and now his joy is only doubled. 

_I think Jana is suspicious_

**suspicious how?**

Lucas scrolls back up to the message Jens had sent him earlier while he waits for him to respond. Lucas had woken up to it—an image of Jens still in bed, pouting into his pillow. The accompanying message had simply read ‘ _not as comfy as yours_ ’. 

He scrolls back down when Jens replies. 

_she’s giving me that look. the suspicious one. all knowing and smug and shit_

Lucas smiles, giving a tiny shake of his head. 

**maybe you should stop texting me and actually spend time with her then? don’t forget it’s your last chance**

_why thank you. now I’m sad :(_

_okay. I’m gonna ignore you now but know that I don’t want to_

**dumbass. you can text me later**

Lucas hesitates a moment, and then sends one final message. 

**< 3**

“What are you smiling at?” 

Lucas looks up at his dad and hastily places his phone on the table. He’d forgotten he wasn’t in the room alone, that his dad is only at the sink, washing the dishes. He’s looking over his shoulder at Lucas in amusement, and Lucas crosses his arms on the table and shrugs him off. “Nothing, just the guys.” 

“The guys as in Kes and Jayden, or new guys?” Hugo asks. 

It would be very simple. Lucas could just say Kes and let the conversation drop. He wouldn’t have to explain anything. He’d be asked the easy questions; how are they doing, does Lucas miss them. It might be the best segway into organising a trip home soon. 

It’s also clear that his dad is trying, and Lucas decides it probably wouldn’t be the worst thing to put in the same effort. 

“New.” 

Hugo hums approvingly as he leaves the last plate aside and turns off the tap. He grabs a towel before turning around, leaning back against the counter as he dries his hands. “Anybody special?” 

Lucas works very hard not to blush and give himself away, because the truthful answer is _yes_. Jens is incredibly special—the word doesn’t even seem sufficient to describe him. 

But Lucas isn’t about to tell anyone else that, much less his father. 

“No,” Lucas groans, rubbing a hand over his face for emphasis, hoping that’s enough to get past the subject. 

“What? Smiling like that, what am I supposed to think? You know you didn’t even make a single snide comment during lunch?” 

“Did you want me to?” 

That earns him a withering look. “Lucas, come. Tell me about it. Your friends, at least. I let you out to that Halloween party and you haven’t even told me who you were with.” 

“I didn’t know going outside came with terms and conditions,” Lucas mutters. 

His father merely raises a brow. “When you were originally grounded, it does, yes.” 

Lucas relents by letting his shoulders slump. 

“Did you smoke?” 

“I didn’t, actually.” Lucas resists the urge to roll his eyes, but he’s disappointed that this seems to have turned into an interrogation. For once, for some reason, he’d thought it would be better. They’ve been more amicable over the past week, casual with each other, with Hugo actually making it home in time to have dinner with him on occasion. 

“That’s slightly impressive,” Hugo allows, moving to sit down with him at the table. “And did you have fun?” 

Lucas shrugs. “Yeah, it was fine.” It was better than fine. It was the night he and Jens had almost kissed. 

But, again, he isn’t about to tell his father that. 

“You’re really not gonna give me anything, huh?” Hugo nudges his arm. “What about Saturday then? Where’d you disappear to that night?” 

A smile flits on to Lucas’s lips. “Trick-or-treating.” 

“Ah, well, now you’re just making fun of me.” 

“No, I’m serious,” Lucas protests. “I went trick-or-treating with Jens and his little sister.” 

He’s confused for a moment as to why his father brightens, but he quickly lets Lucas know what he’d latched onto. “Is that finally a name?” Lucas’s smile drops as his dad leans towards him, urging him on with a wave of his hand. “Jens, tell me about Jens.” 

Lucas absolutely cannot do that. His pulse spikes, but he quickly tamps his fear down. His father has no reason to expect anything beyond friendship. He’s just asking Lucas to tell him about his friends. Lucas can tell him about Jens without giving him any of the...details. 

“I don’t know. He’s Jens. I met him at—“ Lucas quickly cuts himself off, remembering that he’d snuck out to that party after his father had gone to his room. “I met him at school at the end of my first week. He kind of got me into his friend group.” 

Hugo nods, pleased, but not entirely satisfied. “What’s he like?” 

“He’s...cool. He skates, he’s chill. He kind of reminds me of Kes, I guess.” 

“I’d like him, then?” 

Lucas has to admit that he hasn’t thought about it much, but now that the man has put it out there, he likes the idea. It’s not really something he’d ever looked for, before—his father’s approval. He supposes it’s different, now that they’re on their own. He’s been worrying about what the boys will think, trying to figure out how to tell Isa, wondering what Jens’s friends will say. He has thought about telling his mother. 

He hasn’t really considered his dad much, beyond how best to sneak Jens around him. 

“Yeah,” he says quietly, “I think so. He’s a good guy.” 

Hugo smiles. “I wouldn’t expect you to pick anything less.” 

Lucas can’t help but find a deeper meaning in the words, for just a second, and feel his heart warm. Then he crushes the idea and comes back to the matter at hand, and decides he can’t give anything more away. “Should I tell Jayden you think he’s good, then?” 

“You’ll do no such thing. I love the kid, but it’s a tough love.” 

Lucas snorts, shaking his head slightly, surprised again at how at-ease he feels. Maybe he is misjudging, just slightly. Maybe he should try a little more. 

He’s even more surprised when his dad gives his hair a fond ruffle as he rises, standing next to Lucas with a hand on his shoulder. “If you don’t have any plans today, you wanna watch a film with me?” 

Lucas’s brows raise slowly. “What film?” 

“Your choice.” 

It’s a good offer that Lucas doesn’t really have a reason to refuse. Trying, he reminds himself. “Sure.” 

Hugo grins and pats his shoulder. “Good. I’ll go set up the TV and you can get us the ice cream.” 

“You got ice cream?” Lucas asks, disbelieving, as his dad makes his way out of the room. 

“I know my son. Of course I got ice cream.” 

Lucas finds himself grinning after him, shaking his head to himself in an attempt to snap out of it. He doesn’t have to, he realises. He should take this treacherous peace and allow himself to enjoy it. Maybe things are simply going right for once. 

Maybe the universe is on his side, after all. 

He picks his phone back up before getting the dessert, seeing another notification from Jens, but this time in the form of an Instagram post. Lucas clicks into it and finds an image of him and Jana. They’re both pouting, eyes closed, and Jana has her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, pressing their cheeks together. Jens has simply captioned it, ‘ _miss you already_ ’. 

There’s a low thrum of jealousy in Lucas’s stomach, at first, but the longer he looks at it, the easier he finds it. Eventually, it draws a smile onto his face. He remembers what Jens had told him, the night of the Halloween party, and what Jens had told him yesterday, and he merges it all together and reminds himself of how Jens had kissed _him_ , over and over, going so far as to ask Lucas if he could stay forever. 

He smiles to himself as he likes the post, then slips his phone back into his pocket before going in search of the ice cream. 

**_Monday, 12:52_ **

**Song: _Haux - Touch_**

Jens is distracted. He’s been distracted, all throughout lunch, and he’s simply hoping the others haven’t noticed. 

The problem, the very simple problem, is that Lucas is simultaneously much too close and much too far. He’s sitting, of course, right next to Jens. Closer than they would have, before, thighs pressed together, elbows and shoulders bumping when they move. Every brush and slide and nudge sets his skin on fire, while Lucas remains as cool as ever, barely reacting under Jens’s pleading gaze other than to bite down a smile. He isn’t sure how the boys haven’t noticed. Robbe is giving him a few strange looks, here and there, but he’s sure that’s because his other leg, the one not pressed to Lucas’s, is bouncing under the table irritatingly enough to knock into Robbe’s on occasion, and it would be impossible for his friend not to notice his jitters. He’s just glad it’s Robbe, who at least won’t ask in front of the others, leaving Jens with the surety that he’s still safe for now. 

He won’t be, for long, if Lucas keeps going on the way he is. He’s not even doing anything particularly special—he just knows what he’s doing to _Jens_ while simultaneously refusing to do anything about it. 

It’s driving him crazy. Every dance of Lucas’s fingertips over his wrist, the back of his hand. Every hushed laugh, bitten-down smile, that draw attention to his lips, makes him crazy. 

It’s been bad enough, over the past few days, trying to figure himself out. He thinks it’s pretty clear by now. He’d even managed to say it out loud, to Lucas, kind of. That he’s bisexual. At least, he thinks he is. 

He hasn’t liked thinking about it much. 

There’s a difference, in thinking about that, whether he’s attracted to _boys_ and what that means in regards to his sexuality, and in thinking about Lucas. He loves thinking about Lucas. He can (does) spend the whole day thinking about Lucas. 

There’s a difference, too, in thinking about Lucas in the safe confines of his bedroom or in Lucas’s own presence, and in thinking about Lucas at school, surrounded by his best friends. There’s a difference in thinking about Lucas when he has nothing else to do and when he really shouldn’t be. 

It’s impossible to stop. Lucas is too close, Jens’s thoughts already too full, his desire already too strong. He needs to get it out of his system, somehow. He at least needs to get Lucas to _notice_. 

This is all that motivates him to let his hand drop onto his leg under the table, only to slowly slip over and settle on Lucas’s thigh. 

The reaction is instant. Lucas stiffens up next to him, spine straightening. He manages to control his outward reaction beyond that, however. He doesn’t shift away, and he checks to make sure the others aren’t looking before glancing at Jens sharply, brows raised in question. Jens merely squeezes his thigh in response. The gesture is questioning, urging, but also casual. A gentle reassurance, an intimate reminder. They haven’t actually gotten a chance to be alone together, yet. They’ve been texting all weekend, and they’d been texting this morning, but Jens hasn’t gotten a chance to kiss him since Saturday. It’s frustrating, but also worrying. Jens had felt the deep-rooted fear in his chest when he’d first seen Lucas this morning, and while it had mostly dissipated at the other’s shy smile, it lingers. 

He can’t be sure if Lucas feels it too, but he feels the need to offer this all the same. To remind Lucas that even though they can’t act on it right now, it hasn’t disappeared. 

It’s also a silent plead to disappear somewhere with him so that they may act on it. Just for a moment. 

Lucas answers by resting his hand on top of Jens’s and twining their fingers. 

“Hey, Jens, what do you think?” Aaron drags him out of it, leaving Jens snapping his gaze over to him with a questioning hum. “Moyo and Noor.” 

“Dude, seriously,” Moyo complains, with a pointed glance at Robbe that Jens doesn’t quite buy. 

Robbe doesn’t seem to, either. “Hey, don’t look at me. I’m sure she’d be happier with what you can give her than what I did.” 

Jens waggles his brows. “I’m sure that’s very true. Why, are you interested in Noor?” 

Moyo looks between them for a moment before dropping his gaze down to where he picks at his lunch, shrugging. 

“Noor’s actually really cool,” Lucas offers. “From what I could tell, at least. It’s even nice that you get along well. I’m sure she appreciates being more involved in the group still.” 

That brings a faint smile to Moyo’s lips, and he nods approvingly—gratefully—and Jens marvels at the switch, at how easily Lucas had made it. “Exactly,” Moyo agrees. “And she’s actually really into dance, she was talking about hooking us up with a few more showcases, if any of you are interested. It’s a mixed performance next, I think.” 

“Am I ever going to actually see you dance? When you’re not half-drunk at a party, I mean.” Lucas asks, tilting his head curiously, and Moyo presses his hands to the table and sits up straight, pointing at him. 

“Free show after school, just for you baby,” Moyo says, blowing an exaggerated kiss, which Lucas ‘catches’ and smacks to his chest, leaving the other’s laughing. It’s enough to shift the conversation on, Robbe casually asking what their actual plans are after school and Aaron seeming to forget his previous agenda. Jens doesn’t miss the small, grateful smile Moyo shoots Lucas, however, or the easy one Lucas grants back. 

Jens grips his thigh tighter and begs him to get the point. 

Lucas runs his thumb over his knuckles, and the touch fails to soothe Jens in the slightest. He needs more. He needs to be somewhere else, somewhere the others won’t see, where Robbe can’t simply look over and see their entwined hands. If he can’t be given that, then he needs to be put out of his misery. 

He’s relieved when Lucas suddenly—but casually—stands, collecting his things and beginning to shove them into his bag. Aaron is the one to look at him and ask where he’s going, and Lucas has an explanation ready. 

“Bathroom.” 

“And you’re not coming back?” Moyo raises a brow. 

“No, I have a quiz next and I want to go ask him a few questions first. I can’t fail it, I’m already on a curfew, remember?” He raises his brows right back, and Jens is very, very attracted to him. 

It works, making the boys snicker and Robbe wish him good luck, before he’s off with a lingering glance at Jens. Jens can’t get up right away, he knows that, no matter how much he wants to. That would be too obvious. He’s already wracking his brain for an excuse, trying to find something believable and unquestionable—something that won’t come back to bite him. 

He scrolls mindlessly back and forth on his phone to kill a little time, even as his leg resumes its bouncing and Robbe gives him another look. The others talk quietly amongst themselves, Moyo still picking at his lunch and Robbe letting out the occasional giggle, having been brighter again this past week. 

Jens gives them five minutes before raising a hand to his head with an exasperated groan. “Fuck, I gotta go too.” 

“What?” Robbe turns to him, brows furrowed. “What for?” 

“I forgot my dad wants me to talk to Beckers about extra credit.” 

Moyo squints at him. “Can you even get extra credit in math?” 

“Fuck if I know, man, I’m just trying to keep the peace,” Jens shrugs, already climbing to his feet. This could be easily brushed off later, because the boys would never ask Beckers or his dad, meaning there was no one to refute him. The boys accept it with a few disappointed shrugs and nods and Jens gives them a quick wave before turning towards the school, in the direction Lucas had gone. 

Then he realises he has no idea where Lucas actually went. 

He curses as he walks through the main hallway, heading in the general direction of the bathrooms as he slips his phone back out of his pocket. He pulls up Lucas’s contact, beginning to write a short message when he’s pulled suddenly into an empty classroom. 

Well, empty but for Lucas. 

Jens grins and quickly shuts the door behind him, barely letting it click closed before he’s grabbing Lucas and guiding him into a kiss. Lucas lets out a small noise of surprise and Jens’s grin merely widens, his hands moving to the back of Lucas’s neck and attempting to pull him closer. 

Lucas laughs against his lips, but it doesn’t sound right. There are too many nerves in it, and he leans away from Jens and presses a hand to his chest to keep him in place. “Woah, what if someone sees us?” 

Jens looks back at the tiny window in the door, and the rest of the solid wall, and then back at Lucas with a raised brow. “How? Through the peephole?” 

“Anyone could come in,” Lucas points out. 

Jens slides his hands down Lucas’s arms and eventually settles them on his waist, shrugging. “But they probably won’t.” 

“Probably?” 

Jens hums. “Most people don’t want to spend the last half hour of their lunch break in a classroom. Unless you were expecting someone else…” Jens raises a brow. 

Lucas rolls his eyes, but he twines his arms around Jens’s neck, so Jens thinks they’re probably moving in the right direction. “I just don’t know if a classroom is the best place.” 

“You were the one that dragged me in here,” Jens points out. 

“Yeah, but I thought you might...know somewhere more private, or something.” 

“Oh? What did you have planned?” Jens teases. 

It has the magical effect of making Lucas blush and roll his eyes, but he still seems uncharacteristically shy. 

Jens leans in to brush their noses together softly, only smiling when Lucas does. “Sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have just kissed you. We don’t have to do anything here. We don’t have to do anything anytime you don’t want to.” 

Before Jens can begin to worry that that’s _never_ , Lucas is smiling and squeezing the back of his neck and drawing him into another quick kiss. Too quick. “I can see you freaking out in there. I hope you aren’t thinking something stupid, like I don’t want to kiss you twenty-four-seven, given the option.” 

“Wow, you’ve got it so bad,” Jens murmurs, but his grin is pressed right up to Lucas’s, and Lucas’s huff of laughter gets lost in his mouth, and Jens isn’t dumb enough to think he’s any better. 

“Are you really sure this is okay?” Lucas asks lowly, when Jens is pretty sure that he’s already made it clear that this is more than okay. By now, Lucas has hoisted himself up onto a desk and drawn Jens in to stand between his legs, and it feels a little late to be not-okay with how things are going. 

Jens presses a kiss to his jaw, trailing his hands down his spine to the small of his back. “More than okay,” he promises. “Is it okay with you?” 

“It doesn’t matter about me. I just don’t want anything to get to your friends before you tell them yourself.” 

“It does matter about you,” Jens frowns. 

“No one knows me anyway. It’s not the same thing.” 

“Maybe it’s not the same, but it matters,” Jens says simply, bumping their foreheads. “If you’re uncomfortable, just tell me.” 

Jens would understand, if that’s the case. He’s acting brave, but truthfully, it terrifies him too. The thought of someone seeing them, of anyone knowing, is just a little too much to think about yet. He isn’t quite ready. He hasn’t fully wrapped his head around it himself. The bitten rawness of Lucas’s lip suggests he’s struggling much the same. 

The only thing making it simple for Jens is the clear knowledge that the idea of losing Lucas scares him more. 

Lucas eventually shakes his head, and now the only thing he’s biting down is a smile as he leans in towards Jens again and Jens meets him gladly, heart easing. He’s getting ridiculously used to kissing Lucas, already. He supposes that’s due to the fact that, though their practice times have been continuously cut short, they are usually packed tight. He’s had more than enough time to adjust, really. He has spent even more time thinking about it. 

“We can’t do this everyday, though,” Lucas points out, and it’s rather a mood-killer after he’d just had his tongue in Jens’s mouth. “That would make it very obvious very quickly.” 

Jens blows out a breath. “I guess we’re going to have to find other ways, then.” 

Lucas smiles. “What do you have in mind?” 

Jens shrugs, feeling uncharacteristically shy. “Do you want to...go on a date? I mean is that—are you interested in that kind of thing?” 

He is surprised when Lucas ducks his head and colour creeps back into his cheeks as he slowly lifts his shoulders towards his ears, then lowers them with an abrupt drop. “I’ve never been on a date before.” 

Jens leans his head back to blink at him. “Seriously?” 

Lucas’s smile is bashful. “What were you expecting? I told you, you’re the first guy I’ve been with. Are you really that surprised?” 

“Just,” Jens shakes his head, amazed. “A guy like you, and no one has ever tried to woo you.” 

Lucas snorts. “A guy like me?” 

Jens hums, drawing him into another kiss, one that lasts much longer than initially intended. “Beautiful. Smart. Funny. Prince Charming.” 

He’s rewarded with a scoff and then another kiss, this too with too much teeth, grins too wide to keep it clean. “Girls have tried,” Lucas admits. “At least, I think. But they’ve never succeeded.” 

“For obvious reasons,” Jens raises a brow. “You know, this is just as confusing as you being the new student for a week and not having half the school fawning over you. You really didn’t meet any poor guy in that first week to steal a friendship out of?” 

Lucas hums. “I did, actually. You might know him. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, pretty. One of those skater dorks. He does these vlogs, and he’s kinda dumb, but he’s extra pretty with makeup, so—“ 

Jens presses a hand over his mouth to cut him off, and Lucas laughs, pressing a gentle kiss to his palm. His eyes are sparkling. Jens spends much too long looking into them with a softening heart and a quickening pulse. He lets his hand slide away slowly and instantly replaces it with his lips, rejoicing at how easily and readily Lucas responds, curling his fingers into Jens’s hair and tilting his head for a better angle. 

Jens knows they should talk more. That they probably have things to discuss in a lot more depth than they’ve bothered to so far. It’s just hard to think about talking with the small hums Lucas makes low in his throat and the heat pooling in Jens’s stomach. He could talk and listen to Lucas all day, but he already knows this. He has only recently discovered just how gladly he would kiss him all day, instead, and he feels safe enough for now in taking full advantage of it. 

But it can’t truly last forever. 

“We’re gonna have to go to class in five minutes,” he sighs, regretfully pulling back a few inches, leaving Lucas tugging at his hair with a tiny whine of protest. “And I need a few minutes before it’s gonna be suitable for me to walk out in public.” 

Jens raises a brow, pointedly, and Lucas’s eyes widen, surprised, and then he starts laughing, low and throaty as he tucks his face into Jens’s neck. 

“Dumbass,” he chastises. Then, after a moment, “Me too.” 

Jens snorts and presses a kiss to his hair. 

**_Tuesday, 19:27_ **

**Lucas:** _are you free tomorrow evening?_

**Jens:** _if it’s to spend time with you then yes, yes I am_

**Lucas:** _do you want to go on that date?_

**Jens:** _is that even a question??? of course I do_

_I didn’t expect you to have it planned so quickly_

**Lucas:** _well don’t expect big things 🙈_

**Jens:** _what are we doing?_

**Lucas:** _uhm_

_it’s a surprise :)_

**_Wednesday, 17:47_ **

**Song: _Troye Sivan - for him._**

“This technically wasn’t fair, because I’ve only been here a month and I had no idea if somewhere like this even existed, so you can’t judge me too harshly.” 

Jens is already smiling at him, shaking his head as he bumps their shoulders together. “It’s okay. It’s hard to live up to such a perfect first date, I get it.” 

Lucas huffs, but he can’t help quickly glancing around. He isn’t sure why it worries him quite so much—even if they were overheard, it can be brushed off as a joke. Jens had said it jokingly. It would be easy enough. 

There is no one close enough to hear them, anyway. Not a single person, as far as Lucas can see, is paying any attention to them at all. The rather cluttered place makes it easier, creating an odd sense of privacy even with the crowd along with the strangely intimate ambience of the neon blue lights. Lucas doesn’t feel so scrutinized in this setting, where everyone is having their own fun and doing their own thing. 

“Can that be considered a first date when neither of us thought it was?” Lucas questions, both dubious and hopeful. 

Jens shrugs, glancing around them as well as he walks slowly side by side with Lucas. “It can be. But an arcade is also a cool first date. It’s not what I expected.” 

Lucas’s lips twitch, unsure which way to turn as he looks over at him. “What did you expect?” 

“I don’t know. Snuck back into your room, maybe. Some more alone time.” Jens wiggles his brows. 

Lucas snorts and gives him a light shove, smiling when Jens bounces right back to his side. “That’s up to you. Like I said, I don’t know anywhere. And it was short notice.” 

Jens nods, and the conversation lulls as they stop at the change machine, before Lucas begins to get nervous for a whole new reason. 

“Are you disappointed?” He twists his ring—the one he’d stolen from his father’s room, just for this occasion—around his finger as Jens turns to look at him. He’s frowning, and even though Lucas is pretty sure it’s at the question itself, he can’t help but grow more jittery. There’s a sudden, uncomfortable tightness in his chest. In an attempt to make light of the question, he adds, exaggeratedly, “Did you expect to be romanced?” 

Jens rolls his eyes as he fishes his money out of his pocket, but there appears to be a more reddish tinge to his cheeks. “I thought you might be the romantic type. Maybe that you’d cook us a candle-lit dinner or something.” 

Lucas raises a brow. “Serious?” 

His nerves have turned into surprise, and it must show in his expression, as Jens laughs upon glancing at him. “I didn’t say that’s what I wanted, though.” 

“Well to be fair, I probably could manage a burger and chips. I’m guessing that’s the dinner you’d want.” 

Jens turns to him after feeding his notes into the machine and wipes away a fake tear. “You already know me so well.” 

Lucas hums. “I also know there’s a cafe that offers such a delicacy right down the street.” 

“You, sir,” Jens points at him, bright-eyed, “know the way to my heart.” 

Lucas huffs a laugh and Jens collects his change from where it has clattered into the metal pocket. His fears haven’t been curbed, but he doesn’t want to press further and ruin the experience before it has even begun. He’d thought about a handful of other options. Taking Jens to a cafe or a coffee shop, booking them into the back corner of the cinema, retreating back to his room as Jens suggested. Every idea seemed too bland or too much. He didn’t want to force them into conversation across a table. He also didn’t want to feel like he was having to hide Jens away. This had seemed, somehow, like a safe middle ground. 

He’s a little worried now that he has misjudged. 

“Shut down whatever’s going on in there.” Jens snaps his fingers lightly in front of his face and Lucas drags himself back to the surface. Jens’s gaze is soft with a tint of concern. Lucas’s stomach roils. “I don’t know why you chose it exactly, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a great choice. In fact it’s a fucking amazing idea.” 

Some of the tension seeps out of Lucas at the conviction in Jens’s tone, and he’s left with a slight smile. “Yeah?” 

“Luc, it wouldn’t have mattered to me what we do. It’s a chance to be with you. I don’t care about anything else.” 

Lucas feels a flush creep into his cheeks. He waits as a small group of girls pass them before nodding agreeably at Jens. “That’s kind of why I chose this. Above anything I was just really happy to be friends with you. I like how easy it is. How I can just hang out with you and have fun. And to have it just feel chill.” 

Jens’s lips curve up in a soft smile, and Lucas watches the entire process. “I like when everything’s chill, too. This is very chill.” 

“More your scene than a candle-lit dinner?” Lucas teases. Even though it has come to his own mind. He can’t be blamed, surely, for having a few romantic or cheesy thoughts enter his brain when it comes to Jens. It might not be his thing, but that doesn’t mean that Jens doesn’t _deserve_ to be romanced. Lucas, really, would gladly put in the effort. 

It’s possible that this is another thing that stems from his slightly-less-chill mindset. 

“Definitely more my scene,” Jens laughs. “I told you, you know me well. You’re full of surprises.” 

Lucas brightens, feeling another blush creep into his cheeks that he fruitlessly attempts to stave off. He clears his throat in an attempt to retain some control before saying, “I just don’t know why you changed your money. This is my organised date. I should be paying.” 

Jens sets a hand on his shoulder and uses it to pull him against his side as they begin walking again, speaking slowly. “You assume we’re only playing like five games and leaving then?” 

Lucas is torn between leaning into his side and subtly stepping out of his touch. He can’t quite bring himself to do either. He also can’t help but flick his gaze around as he answers with a huff. “Okay, splitting is fair. But I’m buying dinner this time.” 

“You say it like I’m going to argue,” Jens snorts. He drops his arm as they reach the middle of the aisle in order to turn and face Lucas, brows raised as he takes a few step backwards. Lucas’s breath slips out of him in quiet relief and aching loss. “What are we doing first?” 

Lucas smiles at him. “Your treat, you pick.” 

Jens rubs his hands together, grinning like a child before leading Lucas through the aisles until he finds what he wants. They start off with a few chance games that their change is wasted on, then move on to the slightly more adventurous areas, having a few competitive shots at skee-ball and basketball. They even have a simulated bowling game, which Lucas finds only slightly easier than actual bowling. The embarrassment is worth it for Jens’s responding laugh—which he valiantly tries to bite down—and the comforting kiss he presses to his cheek after a quick glance around. It makes Lucas’s cheeks flame and leaves him shoving Jens’s face away, heart racing a mile a minute with the pure affection in his chest. 

It overwhelms him enough that he has to look away, swallowing down the tumultuous mixture of excitement and nerves that seems to be warring in him. He wants to pull Jens in and give him a real kiss. He wants to get out of sight first. 

“Okay, your turn to pick something, because that was truly pitiful.” 

Lucas narrows his eyes at Jens, but smirks slightly as he catches sight of their next attraction. 

Air hockey. 

It’s free, blessedly, as most things have been; Wednesday is a surprisingly good choice for a quiet date. Jens raises his brows as Lucas moves to one end and picks up the paddle, sliding it across the table testingly. “Really?” 

Lucas hums. 

“What are we, twelve?” 

“What’s wrong with air hockey? My mom has always loved it, and she’s far past twelve.” 

Lucas isn’t sure why Jens’s expression has gone suddenly serious until he, now stationed at the opposite side, says, “You’ve never mentioned her before.” 

Then Lucas realises his mistake. 

“Not that you have to,” Jens backtracks quickly. “Sorry, I don’t know if it’s a sensitive subject or—“ 

“It’s fine,” Lucas cuts him off, even though it is. Any mention of his mother strikes a nerve, leaves a panging ache. The idea of talking about her himself—even to Jens—feels too treacherous. Yet he feels that he owes _something_. “It’s, uhm. It’s just more frustrating than anything, I guess. They split up. My parents, I mean. So she’s back in Utrecht.” 

Jens seems to have expected something worse. The sag of his shoulders makes Lucas glad he hadn’t given him the full story. Not today. “I guess it makes even more sense why you wanna go back so badly,” Jens says softly. “Have you talked to your dad about it again?” 

Lucas lets out a breath as his own shoulders slump, shaking his head. “Not yet. Things are going good, somehow, at the moment. But I think once I bring it up that will change, and...it’s been kind of nice, living in peace.” 

That earns him an understanding smile. “Still, you should try. It’s important to you. He’ll see that.” Jens slots the money into the machine and adds, “If not, I’ll come break you out and we can go together.” 

Lucas smiles slowly. “Someone’s a rebel now, are we?” 

“Just for you,” Jens winks at him, leaving Lucas to roll his eyes in an attempt to hide his blush. Jens taps the table impatiently, nodding at him through the screen. “Come on then. Show me how it’s done.” 

It’s teasing, and his scoff is equally so when Lucas shrugs off his jacket first, tying it securely around his waist. Jens’s amusement doesn’t stop him from admiring, however. Lucas notes the lingering gaze on his collar followed by the sweep down his arms to watch the movement of his hands. Lucas has begun, happily, to notice Jens’s lack of subtlety in such moments of appreciation, and it never fails to leave him grinning. 

“Really?” Jens questions again. “Air hockey requires this?” 

Lucas merely raises a brow, challenging. “Ah, now I understand why you were against it. You’re just scared of losing a kids’ game.” 

Jens rolls his eyes in vague disagreement. “They’re all kids’ games,” he mumbles. When Lucas only continues to look at him, he waves a hand in a gesture to start. 

Lucas collects the puck from the pocket on his side and drops it on the table. He aligns it carefully before leaning down, shooting one last glance at Jens before taking his shot. 

It fires right into Jens’s goal before he even has a chance to move. 

Jens snatches his hand away and stares at the table before lifting his eyes to Lucas in astonishment. Lucas merely offers him a smug smile. 

“Okay,” Jens says slowly, while, to Lucas’s pleasure, shrugging off his own jacket. “It’s on, Van Der Heijden.” 

**_Thursday, 18:41_ **

**Song:** **Tate McRae - happy face**

Jens shouldn’t be surprised that returning home is the perfect remedy for the smile on his face. It slips off as soon as he enters the house and hears the raised voices—most distinctly that of his father. His heart squeezes, then hammers, wondering if it’s directed at his mother, or worse, Lotte, and it’s the only thing that prevents him from slinking upstairs right away. It’s possible that it’s simply a phone call, probably a work colleague, but Jens has to be sure. 

He’s afraid when another voice joins in, feminine and familiar, and then utterly confused when he recognises it as his older sister. He sets his bag down in the hallway and toes off his shoes before padding his way to the kitchen. He hovers silently just before the door, listening for a moment in hopes of getting a grasp of the situation before throwing himself into the middle of it. 

“You are _my daughter_. I don’t care how old you are, you will listen to me when I speak and you will quit the attitude. You are in no place to be defiant here. No place,” his father snaps. 

It makes even Jens flinch, and this has the simple result of making him round the door before he’s quite ready. Lies stands with her back to him, but his father catches sight of him instantly. 

“What’s going on?” Jens asks carefully, causing Lies to turn to him as well, expression a picture of distress. “What are you doing here?”

His father gestures at him, but returns his anger to Lies. “What example do you think this is going to set for your siblings, hm? You know Jens is already struggling, but at least he tries. He knows what he has to do to get by in the world, Lies.”

“Woah,” Jens says, eyes wide as he looks from the man to his sister. “What’s happened?”

Lies opens her mouth, but Vince beats her to it. “Your sister has dropped out of college. In her final year, no less.”

Jens stares at her. “What?”

“If you think we’re going to keep providing for an education that doesn’t exist, you’re out of your damn mind,” Vince interrupts, not letting Lies get in a word of her own. 

“You don’t anyway,” Lies fires back. “I refused your help and told you the student loan would cover it, didn’t I? Don’t make it out like I’m taking anything from you. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I don’t understand why you care so much about this in the first place. I can make my own decisions.”

Jens, in his jumble of emotions, feels a small rush of pride. He doubts he was supposed to witness this conversation for this very reason. Lies has always been the peacekeeper, but she, unlike Jens, is entirely capable of standing her ground. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind, even under their father’s fuming presence. Despite her stature she’s capable of making herself seem like the bigger person. 

But she is still rather small, and as breakable as anyone else, meaning that when Vince slams his hand on the table and then takes a quick step towards her, Jens automatically does the same. 

It’s not that he believes the man would lay a finger on Lies. Or on Lotte, or on their mother. He is well above that, Jens is sure. 

Yet there is something ominous and threatening encased in the fire in his eyes and the furious pinch of his lips. If Lies wasn’t the one in the firing line, Jens knows he wouldn’t be able to coax himself forward. He knows that he would cower. 

He’s done so plenty of times before. 

Vince clenches his jaw and composes himself just as quickly, drawing back with an abrupt flick of his hand. “Then I hope your decisions treat you well, Lies. Just know that when you come crawling back around here it’ll be to an ‘I told you so’ and no more.” He brushes past her without allowing her a chance to respond, and his glance is stern on Jens as he leaves, muttering, “I can only hope the rest of you aren’t so disappointing.”

Jens stands frozen once he’s gone, feeling his heartbeat in his temples as he turns his focus to his sister. Lies has placed her hands on the back of her head, likely in an aborted run of her hands through her hair, and she takes a steadying breath before dropping them. She turns to Jens and smiles tiredly, silently, and the quiet feels like too much but Jens can’t say anything. 

“I think that probably would have went on for longer if you hadn’t come home, so, thank you,” Lies says eventually, rolling her eyes as she leans against the counter. “Did you go somewhere after school?”

“When did you drop out?” Jens ignores her question, because he isn’t ready to change the subject so quickly. Because it isn’t about him. 

Lies deflates slightly, but she shrugs. “I never went back this year at all. I knew there was no point.”

Jens lets this information sink in, and thinks of what she had told him when she’d first come home. He should have known. He just hadn’t assumed she had any reason to lie. “But...then why did you go back? Why aren’t you staying here?” Then he realises the oddness of her current appearance. “Are you staying now?”

There are many more questions he wants to ask. Mainly why she hadn’t thought to tell him. Why she had come up with an outright lie instead. 

“I have a job,” she says, simple yet oddly defensive as she straightens her spine. “I still have my own life.”

“I’m not saying that. I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me.” 

Lies shakes her head. “I didn’t tell any of you. It would have been unfair of me to ask you to keep it a secret for me. That’s all.”

“But it’s fair to lie to me? It’s not like I would have told them. I thought you trusted me.”

“I do trust you, Jens, but it’s not about that. I knew they were going to find out eventually, and how do you think he would have reacted if he found out you knew?”

Jens bristles. It’s unfair of him. The explanation is likely sincere, but it feels too much like an excuse. It feels like she hadn’t told him because she hadn’t thought to. She hadn’t taken him into consideration at all. It’s unfair. Irrational. 

The anger comes naturally. “I’m also perfectly capable of handling myself, Lies. You act like I’m some kind of model son.” Or worse, a scared one. “Like I don’t keep plenty of my own shit from them. But I don’t keep it from you.” He doesn’t realise this is a lie until after he says it and remembers he’s keeping plenty from her, at the moment. “It’s not like I’m the perfect student either. I wouldn’t have judged you for dropping out. Where the fuck are you even staying if you aren’t at the dorms?”

Lies reacts to his rant with frustrating calmness. “I’m staying in an apartment with my boyfriend. I told you, I have a job, it’s not like—“

“Woah,” Jens cuts her off. “Boyfriend? Since when?”

Lies raises a hand to her forehead, rubbing the skin forcefully with her thumb and fingers. “Since, a while.”

“Long enough to move in together but not long enough to tell me, either. Are you fucking serious?”

“Why does it matter so much, Jens?” She tosses her hand up and sighs, shaking her head tiredly. “What difference does it make anyway? I’m still there, as normal, I still came home for the holiday, as normal. I’m allowed to have a boyfriend. A personal life. I don’t have to tell my brother every detail.”

“No because you just don’t tell me anything,” Jens exclaims, spreading his arms wide. Lies simply shakes her head again, averting her gaze. Jens’s pulse is loud in his ears. “I thought we were family that actually cared.”

“Jens,” Lies closes her eyes, still irritated. 

Jens is already turning to go. “Whatever. Do what you want, Lies. You don’t have to explain to me.”

He knows he’s likely overreacting, but it hurts that she simply lets him go and his heartbeat is fast by the time he’s slamming his bedroom door. The rush of his blood is loud, uncomfortably clear, and it feels like his heartbeat is all around him, is its own presence in the room. He curls his hands into his hair as he drops onto his bed, sucking in a few careful breaths as he lets his head hang towards his knees. It only works to make him dizzy, so he slides onto the floor instead and pulls his legs up until he can rest his head against them, hands still twined in his hair and pulse still firing. 

Something brushes against his arm and he flinches away before cursing at the sight of Ace, who is staring up at Jens with his beady cat eyes, looking very unimpressed. Jens pulls a face back at him. “You better not have done anything to my bed.”

Ace butts his head against his arm, tickling Jens’s exposed hand with his long grey hairs until Jens picks him up and cradles him on his lap. He kneads Jens’s shoulder in thanks, and Jens skims a hand down his back and takes another breath. 

He has felt anger before, is not unfamiliar to the wave that overcomes him, but this feels different. This is an overwhelming feeling of betrayal and of loss, for something he has no right over. He knows that Lies is right, he knows that he has his own secrets, and still the realisation of how easily she’d lied to him causes a painful tightness in his chest. Lies has always been his safe space at home. His go-to, as odd as it is and with as many fights as they’ve had. He knows, where he doesn’t with his parents, that Lies’ care is unconditional, even in these situations. 

It scares him, to think he had overestimated their relationship, even as he feels stupid for thinking it. 

He realises after a few moments that nothing is working to ease his heartbeat or his breathing. It’s with shaky hands that he has to pull his phone out of his pocket. He navigates his way to Lucas’s contact automatically, pressing the call button and bringing the phone to his ear. He wants to see Lucas, but he doesn’t want Lucas to see him. Jens will settle for his voice through the tiny speakers, enough to break through the pounding in his head. 

Only Lucas doesn’t answer. 

Jens curses under his breath and drops the phone next to him, hugging Ace closer to his chest instead and working at gathering himself. 

He feels a little less silly, now, for feeling so alone. 

**_Thursday, 19:33_ **

**Lucas:** _hey, is everything okay?? sorry I missed your call_

**Jens:** _it’s fine, no worries_

_just shit with Lies_

**Lucas:** _Lies? was she home?_

**Jens:** _yeah. she dropped out of college. apparently has been the whole time_

**Lucas:** _shit, seriously?_

**Jens:** _and she’s living with her boyfriend, that she also didn’t tell us about, and dad is super pissed_

**Lucas:** _yikes. I’m gonna call you now, okay?_

**_Friday, 17:35_ **

**Song: _lovelytheband - broken_**

Lucas is surprised to find Jens calling him so soon before they’re supposed to meet, but he doesn’t think to be concerned as he answers and Jens’s face takes up his screen. 

“Hey,” he greets cheerfully, only to frown when he notices the creases in Jens’s brow, the tension in his smile. “What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing, just—sorry, I’m going to have to cancel.” Jens purses his lips apologetically, seeming distracted, and it’s only then that Lucas realises he is outside. He adjusts one of his earphones as Lucas frowns at him, pushing himself up from where he'd been reclining on the sofa to sit against the arm rest. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just, Robbe texted me. He asked me to come over.”

Lucas absorbs this. “I’m guessing not in an I’m-bored-let’s-hang-out way.”

“It didn’t seem like that,” Jens admits. “Sorry. I really didn’t want to cancel on you.”

“No, I understand. You have no idea what’s going on?”

“I just know he should still be on his date with Sander. I thought then maybe Sander was…” he trails off, and Lucas nods, having been thinking the same thing. “But when I asked Robbe why wasn’t he with him he said ‘I just sent him home’.”

Lucas’s frown deepens. “You think they fought?”

Jens blows out a breath, shaking his head. “I don’t know. I mean they had a rocky start but...they’ve been together almost a year and I’ve never actually seen them _fight_. Robbe seemed kinda shaken up, though. But it was only through text so maybe I just didn’t get the tone right.”

“I think you know Robbe enough to get it right,” Lucas points out. He doesn’t want to say what he’s thinking. He needs to know. “Do you think they’re...okay?”

At first, Jens simply nods. But Lucas watches understanding sink in, sees how his brows furrow, and instantly feels awful for putting the mere thought out in the open. “I honestly don’t know, Luc. Fuck.”

“Hey,” Lucas softly draws him back. “I’m sure it’s fine, okay? Just go to Robbe.”

Jens nods again, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah. Sorry, really. We’ll reschedule this too, okay?”

Lucas hums. “Don’t worry about me. I don’t want to hold you hostage from your friends.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Jens shrugs, smiling slightly, and some of the tension in Lucas’s chest eases. 

“Hey, do you have Sander’s address?” When Jens nods but purses his lips in confusion, Lucas explains further. “I just think maybe someone should check on him, too. I can’t imagine he’d ever want to fight with Robbe, so if that’s what’s happening, he should have a friend too right?”

Jens’s lips curve into a smile slowly, and he shakes his head slightly, his eyes fond. “Yeah. You want me to send it to you?”

Lucas nods, and Jens’s smile widens before he looks off screen and then back with a pout. “I’m about a block away, I’m gonna have to go. I’ll text you tonight okay? And I’ll send you the address now.”

“Okay,” Lucas offers him another smile. “Take care.”

Jens gives another fond shake of his head and blows him a kiss, and then he’s gone. Lucas lets his smile fall as he drops his phone into his lap and runs a shaky hand through his hair. It only takes a few seconds for it to buzz again—Jens following through on his promise. Lucas examines the address, copies it into his maps, and takes a few moments to collect himself. Then he gathers his things and makes his way out. 

He takes his bike, this time, only pausing periodically to check his phone to make sure he hasn’t missed any turns. It takes him twenty minutes of this before he makes it to a quiet neighbourhood and goes in search of house number four. 

He leans his bike carefully against the outer wall when he finds it before walking up the short path, checking his phone again just to make sure. He is still hesitant even as he rings the bell, and he swipes his hands on his sweatpants as he waits for someone to answer. He panics then for a brief instant as he realises one of Sander’s parents may open the door, and Lucas has no idea what he would say. 

Before he can run away, the door opens and—thankfully—reveals Sander. 

He blinks at the sight of Lucas, obviously confused. Lucas offers him a nervous smile. The blonde doesn’t look irritated, at least, to see him. He doesn’t seem to be upset that he’s there. There doesn’t seem to be much emotion emanating from him at all other than a bone-deep exhaustion that Lucas is painfully familiar with. 

“Hey,” Lucas tries, when Sander continues to stare silently. 

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“Jens gave me your address.”

Sander nods, though his brow furrows, still thoroughly confused. “Okay.”

“Sorry, I,” Lucas cuts himself off, twisting his hands together, wishing he had kept his father’s ring. “He called me because we were supposed to meet but Robbe texted him asking if he could come over. Jens said that you had been on a date first, though?”

Sander averts his gaze, head drooping. He gives another tiny nod. 

Lucas leans his head down in an attempt to catch his gaze. It doesn’t work. “I was just worried that maybe something happened. I thought I’d come check if you were okay.”

“You could have texted me,” Sander points out. Not rude, but quiet. Ashamed and worried, that Lucas had gone to what he deems an unnecessary effort. 

“Would you have told me the truth if that was all I did?”

Sander’s persistently avoidant gaze is answer enough. 

“I didn’t come to bother you. I just had to check. I can leave again if you want,” Lucas assures him. 

After a moment’s hesitation, Sander steps back and opens the door for him. Lucas lets out a breath before stepping inside, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket this time. He waits in the hallway for Sander, who guides him quietly to his sitting room and settles silently on the sofa. Lucas perches on the seat next to him, not allowing himself to relax even as Sander reclines and drops his head back against the cushions. 

“I fucked up,” he says, after a few minutes of Lucas watching him, waiting for him. Lucas doesn’t push him to continue, and he closes his eyes and raises a hand to his forehead and adds, “I’m an idiot.”

“Why do you think that? What happened?” Lucas allows himself to shift a little closer as Sander rapidly shakes his head. “Hey, Sander, it’s fine. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can be fixed.”

Sander is instantly ready with an argument. “You don’t understand. I—fuck, why didn’t I just listen to him? He told me that he wasn’t ready and that he didn’t want to and I just kept pushing and he…”

Lucas’s eyes widen as he fails to hide his surprise. “Woah, slow down. He wasn’t ready to—to have…”

“What?” Sander whips his head up to look at him. “No. What? I would never do that. Besides, we’ve been together almost a year, that’s not—“ Sander shakes his head, cutting himself off. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Okay.” Lucas feels a little ridiculous now for even thinking it, but simultaneously relieved that he had asked and gotten such a strong denial. “What is it then?”

Sander shakes his head again. 

“Sander, it really can’t be that bad. Whatever it is can be fixed. Tell me.”

Sander focuses his gaze on his hands, which are twisting together in his lap, and takes a moment before he speaks. “Last year, after we first kind of got together, we were on our first date at this bar. And it was so good. Like really good. By that point I had wanted to be with Robbe for so long and we already had a few setbacks and just being with him like that finally was...it was fucking perfect.”

He smiles to himself, and Lucas smiles with him, thinking of an even more lovesick version of the boys that he knows now. It’s almost hard to imagine. 

Then he thinks of Jens, and how elated he had felt just a week ago, to have that moment of _finally_ , and he understands. 

Sander’s smile dissipates even quicker than it had come. “Then when we were coming out of the bar, I guess we lingered too long. There were these guys…” Sander trails off, shaking his head slightly as he swallows. 

Lucas’s heart stops, then kicks into a rapid rhythm. 

“There were these guys suddenly shouting at us. Slurs and—and taunts and Robbe and I started to leave, to just get away. But we weren’t quick enough and they,” Sander licks his lips, eyes flickering. Lucas shifts close enough to press their knees together and hopes the touch is somehow grounding. He has never seen Sander anything other than put-together. He has never expected to see him like this. Defeated by himself, maybe. But not by such a heartless cruelty. Not by the outside. “They grabbed Robbe first and I tried to stop them but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything to help him.”

Lucas curls his hands tightly into the fabric of his sweats, atop his thighs, to prevent himself from reaching out. He isn’t sure if that’s what Sander needs in such a situation, and he doesn’t want to make it worse by invading his space unwanted. He already feels out of his depth. He can feel his pulse in his head. His heart feels stuck in his throat. 

He isn’t sure if he wants to reach out in an attempt to comfort Sander or himself. 

_They were hurt._

_They were attacked._

_For being the same thing you are._

“Fuck, Sander,” is all he manages, the words hoarse, his throat tight. “I’m so sorry that happened.”

Sander’s knuckles have gone white. He separates his hands and holds them tense in the air above his thighs, instead, and Lucas is glad he’d refrained from any touch at the moment. “Robbe already struggled with himself. I wanted to show him that it was okay. Instead, after I—I’ve kept pushing him to let it go. Trying to convince him that he isn’t the one who should have to step back, that he should be able to do what he wants and be _happy_. I told him that they shouldn’t be allowed to take what was ours first. That we would reclaim it whenever he felt ready. That we would keep trying.” He shakes his head again. “But it was always my idea. I never considered what it would actually do to him. That maybe he wasn’t ready.”

Lucas wipes his cheek as discreetly as he can, but Sander drops his head into his hands, curling his arms around it protectively as he continues to shake his head.

“I hurt him again. It’s completely my fault, and now he’s pushing me away and I don’t know what to do, Lucas,” Sander chokes. 

Now Lucas moves closer, shoving away his own fear as he wraps his arms tightly around the other boy and lets him tilt himself against his chest. His hands are tightly fisted in his hair, and Lucas avoids them carefully as he rests his chin on his head and tightens his grip. Sander is quiet, letting out not so much as a sniffle, and he tenses rather than trembles, and still Lucas squeezes instead of soothing. He’s guessing, but he seems to be doing it right, because eventually Sander’s breaths grow less shaky and his hands slacken. Only then does Lucas rub a hand over his back and attempt to reassure. 

“Robbe is okay. He probably needed space, but he didn’t isolate himself. He has Jens. He’s not alone and neither are you.”

It takes another few seconds, but then Sander nods, slightly more appeased. Lucas’s own heart is thundering. He has to hope Sander isn’t paying close attention, though he’s likely to hear it regardless. Lucas doesn’t let go of him instantly, because the need to comfort Sander is the only thing keeping his own breaths even, and once he loses that he’s sure he’ll break. 

But Sander slowly leans out of his grip and Lucas’s breathing doesn’t falter. 

Sander draws his feet up onto the cushion and wraps his arms around them, sticking closer to Lucas’s side than he had been before. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be offloading this on you. I don’t deserve—“

“Don’t,” Lucas cuts him off gently. “You don’t deserve to feel like shit over this. I don’t know what else has happened between the two of you, but I know Robbe would never blame you for this. It’s not your fault, Sander. Do you hear me? Those guys—“ Lucas’s voice cracks, and he takes a second to regroup before continuing. “Those guys are the only ones in the wrong. I know you don’t need me to tell you that.”

Sander considers him for a moment, then gives a small, grateful nod. “Thank you. Really, I know you didn’t even have to come here.”

“Of course I did.” When Sander raises a brow, Lucas responds with a sheepish shrug. “You’re probably who I’d consider my best friend here. I couldn’t leave you on your own if I thought there was something wrong.”

Sander’s face lights up, but there’s a hesitance to it. “I thought that would have been Jens.” Lucas stiffens, and his lips part on an excuse, but Sander’s gaze is already easing up as he shrugs. “But I guess that’s probably different. I know what you meant and I’ll take it.”

Lucas smiles, relieved and hoping it doesn’t show, as he reaches out and ruffles Sander’s hair. Sander huffs, but a tiny smile flirts with the edges of his lips, and Lucas takes the win. “Do you want me to stay? And before you say it, no, I really don’t have anything better to do. I swear. My curfew isn’t until ten-thirty.”

Sander’s slight smile grows as he shakes his head in mild amusement. “I guess you can stick around and I could give you your next lesson.”

Lucas nods, relaxing slightly as Sander gets up, dragging himself to his feet with the same tiredness as before. “Wait here.”

Once he has slipped out into the hallway, Lucas lets his smile drop and clenches his hands in an attempt to rid them or their tremors. It’s what he had thought, for a brief moment, an idea he had even presented to Jens, and still he wasn’t ready for the truth of it. He hadn’t expected Sander to be quite so honest. He hadn’t expected himself to be right, only for something that had happened much earlier than he considered. He had never thought such a thing would be laid out so clearly in front of him. 

He hadn’t thought he’d ever really have to deal with it. 

Sander returns before he can think any more, brandishing a shetchbook and a packet of pastels that Lucas feels he probably shouldn’t be using on their beige sofa. He frowns at Lucas instead of retaking his seat. “Take off your coat, and your shoes if you want. Sorry, I’m a shit host.”

Lucas huffs quietly but obediently shrugs his jacket off before tossing it over the arm of the sofa. He leans back and holds out his hands and Sander finally offers him the objects before settling down beside him. Lucas flips open the sketchbook, finding it completely empty, then lifts the lid off the pastels and balances it carefully on the cushion next to him. Once he has one in hand, Sander rests his head on his shoulder. 

Lucas smiles slightly. “It’s going to be hard to draw like this.”

“That’s the test,” Sander responds easily, and Lucas huffs again but let’s him be. “Do you want a drink or something?”

“No, I’m okay. You can keep being a shit host.”

Sander elbows him gently in the side. He watches as Lucas begins creating vague outlines, a single-coloured portrait taking shape as Lucas draws and then smudges it with his fingers. They mostly sit in silence as he adds more layers, adjusting his movements under Sander’s quiet but clear guidance. It doesn’t take him long to figure out the faint shape of Robbe’s features, and Lucas looks down to find him smiling slightly. 

“You’re both really brave, you know,” Lucas tells him quietly. “For still going out and everything like you do, after that.”

“It doesn’t feel like bravery,” Sander mumbles in return. “Loving Robbe is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It would be harder to pretend that wasn’t the truth.”

Lucas swallows the lump in his throat and doesnt argue further. He doesn’t say that he isn’t sure he could ever be that brave—that anything would ever make it feel easy, and he doesn’t know how Sander does it. 

Then he thinks of Jens, and he understands. 

**_Friday, 19:23_ **

**Song: _Kodaline - Brother_**

Jens fiddles with the cushion in his lap, smoothing his finger over the soft fluff and watching the colour change. He draws a line in it, darker, then smooths it back down to match the rest. He repeats the motion over and over, changing shape, until he has eventually figured out the motions enough to write a ‘J’. Thoughtlessly, he adds an ‘L’, smiling to himself, and then Robbe returns from the bathroom and he hastily wipes it away. 

He watches and waits, but Robbe simply climbs onto the bed next to him and fiddles with his hands, not even sparing Jens a glance. 

Jens settles back against the pillows and gives him time. 

“Sorry,” he eventually says, curling his hands around his ankles which are crossed in front of him. “I didn’t think Mama would want to have dinner, I didn’t mean to drag you into it.”

Jens shakes his head. “It was nice. Been a long time since we’ve done that.”

Robbe smiles slightly. Sadly. “Yeah.”

They return to silence. Jens can’t quite find the words to ask, doesn’t know what answer he’s looking for. Robbe seems to be looking for them but hesitating. His eyes flit around the room, never landing on Jens. His throat bobs around his swallows. Jens licks his lips and focuses on the cushion again. After a moment’s thought, he draws a question mark on it and passes it to Robbe. 

Robbe takes it, lips tugging up in another smile as he shakes his head. He bites his lip and then sets the cushion aside, only to move himself around so he’s sitting with his back to one side of the bed. Jens mimics him, crossing his legs in the same way and setting his hands in his lap. Now that they're facing each other, it’s easier to find Robbe’s feelings in his expression. His eyes are dull and tired, skin a shade paler than usual. The way he sits in front of Jens now reminds him of how he’d sat a year ago, exhausted and hurting and terrified to tell Jens that he had feelings for a boy. It breaks Jens to recognise that fear in him again now, after he’d thought it gone. 

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Jens says quietly. “But I don’t want you to do this to yourself again, Robbe. You can tell me anything. You know that.”

It’s one of his biggest regrets, not making sure Robbe knew this before. He had no clue what his best friend was going through then because he hadn’t been paying attention. He hadn’t asked. He isn’t going to make the same mistake again. 

Robbe bites his lip, still staring at his hands as he nods. He takes a breath before looking at Jens. “Do you remember last year...when I was in that fight?”

Jens furrows his brow. “The one with the guys from the elitist school?”

Robbe nods, swallowing again. “I, uh. I said I was alone? But I wasn’t. I was—Sander was with me. It wasn’t just a random riot.”

It takes a moment for Jens to understand.

Then his whole body locks up. 

“What the fuck?” he spits. “It was bad enough when those guys jumped you because of some stupid rivalry, but they fucking—“

“No,” Robbe quickly cuts him off, laying placating hands on his wrists. “No, no, no. I lied about it being guys from the school. They were—it was just some random older guys outside the bar.”

Jens barely hears him, and it takes him too long to absorb the information. He has that same feeling as earlier in the week; his blood rushing is an ocean in his ears, his heartbeat is it’s own presence, taking up all the space in the room and crushing him. Then Robbe squeezes his wrists and he jolts very abruptly back into the moment. 

_This is about Robbe. Not you._

_It isn’t about you._

It feels a lot like it is. 

He closes his eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to—“

Robbe makes a small noise of dismissal, and Jens looks to find him shaking his head. Then he jokes, “I would have been pissed if you didn’t get all macho for me.”

Jens rolls his eyes, though the fact that Robbe is trying to lighten the conversation for his sake makes his heart ache. “Fuck, Robbe. You should have been able to tell me something like that. I should’ve figured it out.”

“That was the last thing I wanted,” Robbe shakes his head. “The only one who knew the truth was Milan.”

It doesn’t make him feel any better, but he’s at least glad Robbe wasn’t alone. “You never reported it?”

“There was no point. They never would have found them.” Robbe has dropped his gaze back to his hands, and it leads Jens to wait patiently. Eventually, he adds, “I mentioned it, the day after, but Sander didn’t want to.”

“Is that why it’s coming up now?” Jens asks hesitantly. “Did you have a fight about it?”

“No,” Robbe instantly denies. “At least, not really.” 

Jens waits. 

“He always wanted to go back to the bar. You know how he is. It was our first real date and he’s sentimental about those kinds of things. That’s what he sees. He wanted that for me too, for me to try to get past it but…” Robbe shakes his head, looking away again. He’s beginning to grow choked, and Jens is getting antsy. He feels like his heart has been cracked open and he’s bleeding all through his chest. It’s clogging him up and making it impossible to breathe. 

Even though Robbe is supposed to be the one in need of comfort, Jens feels a little overwhelmed. 

“We went there today. Sander asked at the start of the week, really carefully, saying that even a walk-by to start with would be nice, that it wouldn’t have to be anything big. That we were taking it slow. It would be in broad daylight this time, it shouldn’t even trigger anything. But I could feel myself starting to get anxious even before Sander came to pick me up and I had a fucking full-blown panic attack a block away from the street.”

Jens can only watch, helpless, as Robbe drags his hands through his hair in frustration and lets out a groan. His eyes are misty, but not yet wet. 

“I feel so stupid. Not even just for reacting like that but with Sander—I could tell he felt so bad and I couldn’t even reassure him. Because I think I am mad at him. He just—he can go on like nothing happened and I can’t. I just can’t forget about it, Jens. It’s there just—it’s fucking constant and I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do, Jens?”

A tear finally falls as his voice cracks over the name, and Jens reaches for him and pulls him in. Robbe offers no resistance, leaning into the embrace, shifting almost into Jens’s lap as he drops his head against his shoulder. Jens draws him closer, holding him tight, and lets Robbe’s weight and warmth be his own comfort. He wants to speak, to reassure, to offer advice and appeasement, but his throat has closed up. He can hardly breath, never mind find words. He just holds his friend tighter and hopes Robbe can feel his apology. That he understands how much Jens hates himself for not being there. 

That he knows he has Jens now. 

“Fuck, sorry,” Robbe mumbles, heaving a tremulous breath as he curls his hands in Jens’s jumper. 

Jens squeezes him tightly. “Don’t.” He thinks he’s going to have to give the reprimand again, but for once, Robbe leaves his apologies there. He just clings to Jens as Jens rubs a hand over his back and tries to keep his own emotions at bay. 

Robbe pulls away first, wiping his cheeks, which makes Jens want to hug him again. Instead he blinks a few times himself and tells himself to get it together. 

“Fuck, I hate this,” Robbe mumbles. “I just want to be able to stop thinking about it for a few minutes. Can we just...play a video game or something?”

Jens raises a brow, though he himself eases slightly at the change in topic. “Do you really think that will help? Getting frustrated every time you die in Fortnite?”

Robbe rolls his eyes. It seems like an improvement. “I’m fucking great at Fortnite.”

“Mmhm,” Jens nods. “Still. Wouldn’t you rather something to get your little strategical brain going?”

With half a moment’s thought, Robbe shrugs, nodding slowly. “Like what?”

Jens hasn’t thought that far ahead. He thinks for a moment, then clambers to his feet, searching for paper and a pen. “What about that game we used to play when we were kids? What was it...dots and boxes? Was that it?”

He finally scrounges a working pen from the small pile on Robbe’s desk and brings that and a notebook back to the bed with him, where Robbe sits with a furrowed brow. “What is it?”

“Do you not remember?” Robbe shakes his head as Jens sits back in his place, opening the notebook between them and laying it flat on the bed as he begins to draw row upon row of dots. “You were the one that showed it to me. You used to bug me into it then anytime you were bored at school and I indulged you because it was a better challenge than Xs and Os.”

Robbe finally seems more intrigued. “How do you play?”

“You draw like a grid like this, with the dots all in lines. The bigger you do it the more fun.”

“Is that why you’re wasting half my page on it?” Robbe raises a brow.

“Exactly. So, then you just take turns connecting the dots. Like, I just draw a line wherever.” Jens draws a line from the first to the second dot in the top row, then passes the pen to Robbe. “Then you do it, and we keep passing back and forth. Whoever draws the line that creates a full box with four dots next to each other wins it and gets to draw another line.”

“Ah, yeah, wait, okay, I think I remember now,” Robbe brightens, suddenly excited as he bends down and draws his own line from the bottom right corner next to him to the dot above it. “But, wait, don’t we need different pens?”

“No, you just put your initial in all the boxes you make. We keep going until all the dots are connected and whoever has the most at the end wins.”

Robbe ‘ah’s again as Jens adds another line. “Yeah, and then depending on the way we draw the lines the whole way through someone could end up with like half the grid in one sweep because they can keep finishing a box. Right?”

Jens nods, smiling. “Exactly. You used to always know how to get me into giving you the biggest lot.”

“Well, I am the smart one,” Robbe says simply, though his smile is teasing. 

“We’ll see about that now,” Jens laughs. 

It takes them even longer than he expected, both pausing every turn to look for the best next move, but neither of them make any complaints or attempts to stop. The furrow in Robbe’s brow is concentration now rather than pain, and Jens would gladly fill a hundred pages like this if it keeps the boy’s demons at bay for a while. He’s surprised that Robbe hadn’t come home and simply collapsed, giving in to his clear exhaustion, but he knows Robbe. He wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway, would have continued to mull over the day’s events and berate himself for it. He would have driven himself crazy. 

Instead, he’d messaged Jens. 

For once, he’d recognised what he needed and had allowed himself to ask. Jens is honored that that thing is him. 

Despite his initial unsurety, Robbe beats Jens without much issue, and Jens can only grin as he pumps his fist in victory and still asks, “Rematch?”

Halfway through this one, however, Robbe begins to dull again. Before Jens can ask him what’s wrong, Robbe speaks up on his own. 

“Do you think it’s bad that I asked Sander to leave?”

Jens looks up at him from where he’d been examining the game and considers his friend instead. It’s a difficult and delicate question that Jens doesn’t quite know how to answer. “No,” he eventually decides. “I think he’d understand. And if it’s what you felt like you needed, then it was the right choice.”

Robbe nods to himself, seeming unconvinced. “He just…I could tell he was worried and he didn’t want to leave. But I just—I felt like I could have only made him feel worse. Because it doesn’t affect him the way it affects me and I don’t really want to change that.”

“Robbe, why do you think it doesn’t affect him too?” Jens asks hesitantly. When Robbe simply frowns at him, questioning, he continues. “I can’t imagine that it’s that easy for him. It was something...traumatic. And you know he would have hated that you got hurt too. It wouldn’t surprise me if he deals with it this way because...this way he feels in control. That’s something he struggles with, right? Being scared that things, even himself, are out of his control?”

Robbe purses his lips, then begins to slowly nod. 

“It happened just before you saw him with Britt, right?” Jens goes on, softly, cautiously, but Robbe simply nods again. “That’s not because he got scared? Or even because he felt like it would be better for you?”

He watches as Robbe runs through the suggestion and fits it to his better-known image of Sander. It’s only seconds until he’s cursing under his breath and curling his hands in his hair. “Fuck. I messed up.”

“Hey, no.” Jens gently tugs his arms away, ducking his head in an attempt to catch Robbe’s gaze. “You’re allowed to deal with this in whatever way is best for you. Sander will understand. I’m just looking at it from a perspective you might not have been able to consider before. But something like that...it would fuck with anyone, Robbe. You and Sander have had different ways of coping but that doesn’t mean you’re not both dealing with it. Have you not talked about it properly before? Even the thing with Britt?”

Robbe shakes his head, seemingly ashamed. “It’s not even easy to think about. Any time it came up...I just wanted to stop thinking about it.”

Jens nods in understanding, but clasps Robbe’s wrist lightly. “Hey. Just because Sander might also be hurting, it doesn’t suddenly mean you have to hurt less. That’s not what I mean here. Okay? You are allowed to process this however you need to on your own, in your own time.”

“Yeah, but, I should have at least made sure he was okay. If he’s alone he’ll just spiral, thinking I’m upset with him too and that he did something wrong and none of this is his fault. We—we’re supposed to do it together.”

“You are. Sander knows you love him, Robbe.”

Robbe takes a breath, playing with his hands anxiously once more, and Jens wishes he was better at this. That he had something better as comfort. 

His phone buzzes on the sheets next to him, and he hesitates, glancing at Robbe, before picking it up, worried that it’s a message from his dad. 

He smiles at what he actually sees and turns the phone to show Robbe. 

“If it makes you feel better, he’s actually not alone.”

Lucas had sent him an image of him and Sander, Sander laying with his head on the other’s shoulder. There’s an easy smile on his face as he sticks his tongue out at the camera while Lucas gazes off pensively, nose scrunched and brow furrowed. He’d captioned it, ‘ _when he claims to be a Bowie fanatic and sings the wrong lyrics_ ’. 

Robbe snorts as he reads it, and Jens feels lighter as he notices the soft smile that has taken over Robbe’s face. He turns it on Jens gratefully, and Jens returns it as he draws the phone back to him. “They seem to get on really well. Sander wouldn’t shut up about him after the first time they met.”

Jens huffs, examining the photo again with a rush of fondness. “Yeah, I think Luc likes him too. He didn’t even hesitate before asking for his address to check up on him, anyway.”

He looks back up to see Robbe smiling at him curiously. “Did you have plans with _Luc_ first?”

His tone is a little too teasing and a lot too interested for Jens’s liking. His first instinct is a rush of panic followed by the urgent need to deny, before the realisation hits that he could tell Robbe. He trusts that Robbe would even keep it from Sander for the moment, if asked. He trusts that Robbe would accept him, accept _them_. Of course he would. It would be so easy, for Jens to tell his best friend that yes, he had planned a date with this other boy. That he has feelings for Lucas. That he’s unsure what exactly it all means, but he currently thinks the most likely answer is that he is bisexual. 

That all of this scares the living hell out of him, now more than ever. 

It’s on the tip of his tongue anyway. 

Then he takes in the exhaustion in Robbe’s eyes, the darkness around them, the laziness of his smile, and realises now isn’t the time. 

“Yeah, just to go to the skatepark. I called him to let him know you needed me instead and when I mentioned you’d been on a date he was the first to think Sander might need a check-in, too.”

Robbe seems impressed. “He reacted really well too when I told him about Sander’s bipolar. Seems like he’s a pretty good friend to have for any of us.”

Jens feels his chest warm at the statement, at the truth in it. He hadn’t taken time to think before how his friends have come to regard Lucas, and if they hold him in just as high of an esteem as Jens. He’s glad to realise Robbe and Sander at least both see him in such a positive light. 

“You know Sander better than I realised, too,” Robbe adds, and Jens looks back up at him. “About him wanting to protect me, and the control.”

Jens shrugs, drawing his shoulders right up to his ear and then bashfully letting them drop. “I know I mess around, but I do care about him. As someone important to you he’s important to me. It’s not a big deal.”

“I think,” Robbe argues, “that he’d really appreciate knowing that.”

“Yeah, well,” Jens rolls his shoulders. “You can tell him tomorrow when you talk things over, huh?”

Robbe purses his lips, but there’s no hesitation in his nod. 

“Good. For now, how about I send a pic back to Lucas to let them know you’re okay?”

Robbe nods again and shifts around to join him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for minor injury near the end of the last clip (Friday 23:51)

**_Saturday, 17:28_ **

**Song: _Jeremy Zucker, blackbear - talk is overrated_**

Lucas sits next to Jens with a little too much of a gap between them. 

Jens has spent the entire afternoon quiet, avoiding Lucas’s attempts to connect not on purpose but due to a general absence. He barely even notices when Moyo and Aaron show up, but he perks up slightly when Robbe and Sander join them. Sander greets Lucas with a ruffle of hair and a grateful smile and offers Jens a fist bump, which Jens follows up with a tight squeeze to his wrist. Lucas watches Robbe watch the exchange with a soft smile, which is then turned on him as Robbe gives him a tiny nod in greeting. 

He’s surprised when, instead of falling into their own little bubble, Robbe falls into the space between Jens and Lucas. He’s even more surprised when Sander doesn’t even pout as he settles on Lucas’s other side, dropping his bag at his feet and bumping their shoulders together amicably. 

At Lucas’s questioning gaze, he smiles brightly and nods, and Lucas lets himself relax. 

“Woah, what’s happened?” Moyo laughs, jogging up from the grass along with Aaron to join in the greeting. He gestures at Robbe and Sander. “Since when aren’t you two attached at the hip?” 

Robbe rolls his eyes and gestures to either side of himself, incorporating the three other boys on the bench. “We are all one.” 

As if on cue, Sander slings an arm around Lucas’s shoulders as Jens does the same with Robbe, leaving them to look at each other and fall into laughter, high-fiving between Lucas and Robbe. Lucas simply shakes his head as Robbe raises his brows at Moyo. 

“I don’t wanna know whatever kinda kinky shit you’re on,” Moyo shakes his head, “but it’s just wrong. This organisation of the whole four of you is fucking with my brain.”

“Yeah honestly, seeing Jens and Lucas apart is just as weird,” Aaron gestures at them. 

Jens scoffs, but he glances over Robbe’s head at Lucas and shares a soft smile. 

“Okay they’re literally only like a foot away from each other,” Robbe points out. “And I could still kiss Sander from here if I wanted to.”

“I always want to,” Sander says solemnly. 

“No,” Lucas interrupts. “You actually do not need to do that. I don’t need to be a barrier. Before there is any exchange of bodily fluids I’d like to be removed from the firing line.”

Sander snorts as Robbe groans a complaint at his word choice, but it’s Jens’s quiet laugh and secret smile that has Lucas feeling lighter. Moyo mock-gags and tosses the ball in his hands to Aaron before reaching out to Jens. 

“Okay, that’s enough, get off your asses and come play.” When no one moves, he wiggles his fingers in Jens’s direction. “Come on, man, please. I miss beating your ass. If these ones don’t wanna join us they’ll still be here after.”

Robbe drops his hand onto his friend’s knee and squeezes. “Go, take his ego down a notch for us.”

They all know it’s an offer Jens can’t refuse, and he only lets out a short sigh before letting Moyo pull him up. “None of you joining then?” 

“Actually,” Sander picks himself up, “is it okay if I take some photos of you playing to sketch later? For the movement.”

“You can do whatever you want with us,” Moyo smiles cheekily, beckoning Sander on with them as the blonde huffs in amusement. “Do you want to draw me dancing too?”

Sander’s response is inaudible, but the smirk on his face tells them it’s likely just as teasing. Robbe’s giggle, however, is clear, and it’s only upon hearing it that Lucas realises the situation he has ended up in. He isn’t alone with Robbe—or any of the other Broerrrs—quite as often. He’d spent time with just Robbe at the Halloween party, but this even feels different to that. There they still weren’t really alone, and speaking didn’t feel as necessary over the noise of the music and the crowd. 

Now they’re in a very quiet, very open space, and it feels different. 

Lucas takes the initiative, fearing an awkward silence, and turns to Robbe with a small smile. “Are things better today?”

Robbe’s ears go a little red, barely noticeable under his beanie, but that’s the only sign of any shame. He remains relaxed as he looks back at Lucas with his own smile and a small nod. “Yeah. We spent the morning talking things over.”

“Talking,” Lucas nods as he turns his gaze to seek out their friends, pursing his lips. “Sounds like you guys.”

“Hey,” Robbe squawks, shoving his shoulder as Lucas simply laughs, grinning over at him. Some red has crept into his cheeks. “Maybe not only talking,” he admits, “but we did the talking first.”

“Good.” Lucas nods again, finally catching sight of Jens. He’s passing the ball between his feet as he carefully fends Moyo off with an outstretched arm. He has tucked his beanie into the pocket of his coat and his hair falls over his forehead as he concentrates, adorably disheveled, calling for Lucas to go and run his hands through it. 

He admits to himself that it kind of sucks that he can’t. 

Sander calls out something he can’t make out, but Jens flips him off before finally twirling around Moyo and kicking the ball towards where Aaron stands in a makeshift goal. It shoots past him and Jens cheers, accepting Sander’s high-five as he jogs backwards past him. 

Lucas smiles, but turns back to Robbe with a slightly more serious tone. “I’m sorry if I kind of butted my way in. I didn’t mean to dig into your business or anything.”

Robbe shakes his head, expression remaining soft. “No, don’t worry. It was actually really cool of you to think to go to Sander. If anything I want to thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Lucas denies, flushing slightly. He hadn’t really expected Robbe to reprimand him or actually be upset, but he certainly hadn’t prepared himself for gratefulness or praise. 

“You did. I felt like shit thinking I just left him alone. Then you sent that pic to Jens and I could tell he was actually happy in it and it made things a hundred times easier. Seriously, he appreciates it even more than I do. You did more than you realise.”

Lucas ducks his head, feeling a warmth spread through his chest. “I wish I could have stayed for real, but…”

“Lucas, really, you did more than enough,” Robbe laughs, giving his arm a gentle squeeze. “You’re always good company for him. Seriously, thank you.”

“I should be thanking you guys. You didn’t have to let another friend in.”

Robbe shrugs. “I think Jens is mostly for you to thank then,” he says simply. “Sorry for fucking up your plans with him yesterday too.”

“I think it worked out okay for all of us. Either way, I’d never begrudge either of you time with each other. I’d give anything to spend an evening with Kes.”

Robbe’s smile is sympathetic. “Is that your best friend at home?”

Lucas nods. “Him and Jayden.”

“Do you get to talk to them much?” 

Lucas sighs, curling his hands in his pockets in an attempt to tuck them further away from the cold. “I text them every day, but I’ve only gotten to video call them a few times. It’s not the same.”

“Maybe you should try asking your dad again. I think if he heard you talk about them like this he’d be understanding.” When Lucas only shrugs, Robbe shifts closer, bumping his shoulder. “My relationship with my dad sucks. It has ever since he left Mama when she needed him most. When I needed him. But it sucks slightly less now than before. The past couple of months...he’s met Sander and everything, because once I stopped being so angry I realised pushing him away wasn’t actually doing anything good, if that makes sense? I don’t know what your dad’s like, but I think him caring enough to ground you then still let you come out with us is something. You won’t know until you try.”

Lucas heaves another sigh. “You’re all always making frustratingly good points.”

Robbe laughs. “You seem to have quite a habit of that yourself. I don’t think I told you anything you didn’t already know, but I think you needed someone to tell you.”

Lucas doesn’t point out that Robbe had just told him a lot that he hadn’t known and has only left him with more questions. He wonders, on occasion, just how alike he and Robbe are when it comes to the more deep-rooted things. “Probably. I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” Robbe gives his arm another absentminded squeeze, half his attention focused on shooting Sander a smile. “I bet they’re really missing you, but I’m really glad you’re here. Not just for Sander, or even Jens, but just...in general. It feels like you’ve always been a part of us, or like we were waiting for you or something.”

Lucas raises his brows, mildly surprised at Robbe’s bashful words and not at all unsuspecting of the warmth that returns to his chest. He smiles softly at the shorter boy as a thought comes to him. “Maybe we’ve always been friends in a parallel universe.”

Robbe brightens, evidently both surprised and pleased as he lets out one of his soft giggles. “Yeah, maybe it’s that.”

They allow their conversation to lull there as they turn their attention to the others, who have clearly found a competitive rhythm. Aaron is still in goal and Jens and Moyo are still dancing around each other as Sander cheers for—or taunts—them from the sidelines. Lucas and Robbe allow themselves to be the entertained audience, and then Jens is tripping over Moyo’s foot and going down. Hard. Lucas stiffens imperceptibly as Robbe makes a concerned noise and leans forward. But Moyo has just as quickly pulled him to his feet and checked him over himself, and Lucas lets himself relax once he catches sight of Jens’s laughing smile. 

Sander is the first to rejoin them, this time settling himself at Robbe’s side as they share matching grins. They immediately fall into their own little universe, Robbe leaning in close and giggling quietly at whatever Sander says in his ear. 

It makes Lucas’s chest ache slightly as he turns his own focus back to Jens. The other boy isn’t paying attention, still lost in their game, but Lucas doesn’t mind so much. It’s putting him at ease a little, seeing Jens at ease again. He’s content with just watching him and finding that familiar light in his expression. 

Then about a quarter of an hour later, he’s returning to them with a faint scowl and Lucas’s stomach clenches. 

“Everything okay?” he asks once Jens is close enough, gaining both Robbe and Sander’s attention as well.

“Yeah, but my dad wants me home to watch Lotte for a bit. Sorry.”

Lucas merely shakes his head as Robbe smiles understandingly, reaching a fist out for Jens to bump. “Perks of being an only child,” Robbe gestures at himself. 

Jens snorts, offering him his usual gentle smile, and Lucas is slightly soothed. Slightly, but not entirely. Not when Jens only gives him a lingering look and a fist bump of his own before turning and heading away. 

It’s only a few seconds before Lucas is on his feet and catching up to him. “Hey, wait a second.”

He’s relieved when Jens stops and turns and his lips curve up, even as he glances over Lucas’s shoulder at their friends. He gives a questioning hum as Lucas starts walking alongside him. 

“Are you okay?” Lucas asks quietly, after a few seconds of working up the nerve. “You’ve been really quiet today. Even when it was just you and me.”

Jens glances back again, then gives a small shrug when he’s reassured the boys aren’t paying any attention. “Sorry, I haven’t been meaning to ignore you or anything.”

Lucas shakes his head, looking around before gently grabbing Jens’s wrist and leading him into the shadows of one of the larger trees. “I’m not saying it’s not okay, I just want to make sure you are.”

Jens raises a brow. 

“Just...I get if it was a lot last night with Robbe,” Lucas eventually says. “I get it if it freaked you out.”

Realisation sinks in and leaves Jens ducking his head, sliding his hand up into Lucas’s. “Did it do that to you?”

Lucas blows out a breath and allows himself to admit it. “Yeah. Not that I even needed it to but...it brought things into reality I guess.”

“What does that mean?”

The question is hesitant, almost fearful, even as Jens sweeps his thumb calmly over the back of Lucas’s hand. Lucas squeezes his hand. 

“I think that’s what I’m asking you. I know how new this is to you and if—I don’t want things to feel like too much too soon for you.”

Jens finally looks up at him again, his brown eyes unusually nervous. “Just for me?”

Lucas nods, firm. “It freaked me out, but I’m always freaked out. It doesn’t change how I feel or what I want.”

The breath Jens releases seems to be one of relief, and it relaxes Lucas in turn. “For me either. I told you, okay? I’m sorry my head has been kind of a mess today. But you’re still the one thing I’m sure of, Luc.”

Lucas can’t help the smile that takes over as he lets out a breath of his own. “So this isn’t you running away then?”

“No,” Jens huffs, smiling softly at him. “I’d much rather be spending my evening with you. Can we do that again soon?”

“Soon,” Lucas promises. “Whenever you want.”

Jens’s smile widens, and then he surprises Lucas by leaning down and pressing a parting kiss to his cheek. His eyes are wide when he pulls back, but he lets out a chuckle as he brushes Lucas’s hair back. “You’re freezing, dumbass. I told you to wear a hat.”

“I don’t have one,” Lucas mumbles, slightly dazed. He’s sure it’s embarrassing, the way he’s staring at Jens with such open adoration, but he can’t help it. There’s no need to, not here in their little alcove, with no one else around. “Plus it fucks up my hair.”

Jens shakes his head fondly, but slips his beanie out of his pocket and tucks it over Lucas’s head before the shorter can protest. Jens fixes the few curls that fall out underneath it and smiles, pleased with himself. “That’s better. Just keep it on until you get home and no one will notice if a curl is out of place, okay?”

Lucas isn’t going to admit that he does feel unbelievably warm, though it has nothing to do with the hat and everything to do with Jens himself. “What about you?”

Jens pulls his hood up and raises a brow. 

“I could have done that,” Lucas rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, but then you wouldn’t be looking very adorable in _my_ clothes.”

Lucas scoffs and hopes his blush can be disguised as the chill. Jens’s own cheeks and nose are also slightly red. Lucas wants to kiss the separate spots until they warm up under his lips. “You’re just setting me up for a whole bunch of teasing, you know.” 

Jens huffs, smile soft, looking the happiest he has today. It makes it hard to deny him anything. “They won’t even think anything of it. You can still have fun with them for me, okay? Then just text me when you get home.”

Lucas nods, giving his hand one final squeeze and aching for a proper kiss. Instead he can only offer a smile as Jens steps away, walking backwards for a few feet and giving him a wave before turning. 

Lucas himself doesn’t turn back to the boys until he has taken a few more breaths, and then he meets Sander a few steps out of the trees. 

“Hey,” Lucas says, surprised, resisting the urge to look back at where Jens had disappeared and checking if Sander is aware of the same thing. But Sander simply smiles at him with nothing unusual in his expression. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, they just sent me to see if I could find you coming back. You’re not leaving yet are you?”

Lucas smiles, shaking his head. “No, I’m good.”

Sander nods, smile widening as he reaches out to tug Jens’s beanie further down over Lucas’s ears, also careful of his hair. Lucas flushes, but Sander merely curls an arm around his neck as he shoves his own billowy white strands back under his hood. “Come, then.”

As he’s guiding Lucas back to the others, Lucas sneaks that glance over his shoulder. Jens is long out of sight. 

**_Sunday, 12:32_ **

**Song: _Active Child - Cruel World_**

“Hey, Mom.” 

Jens finds her in the sitting room as he throws himself onto the sofa. She sits in the adjacent armchair, watching a documentary on the TV with her head pillowed in her hand. She glances over at Jens and offers him a smile and then returns to the show. Jens merely pulls his hood up over his head and sprawls himself out, stretching his legs as he sinks back into the cushions. “Where’s Lotte?”

His mother shrugs. “Up in her room.”

Jens nods, hesitating before asking his next question. “And Dad?”

“Lunch with a potential client.”

“On a Sunday? Again?”

“I suppose that’s the best way to avoid taking time out of his work. You know how busy he can be.”

Jens hums noncommittally. “It doesn’t bother you?”

She raises a brow at him, smiling slightly. “Getting a few extra hours of the TV to myself?”

It’s not exactly an answer, but Jens suspects it’s all he’s going to get. He offers a smile in return and it’s left at that. He watches the documentary as well for a moment, seeing it’s one of her unsolved crime series and falling into disinterest before taking out his phone. He has a few messages from the Broerrrs, mostly just Aaron and Moyo joking around from what he can tell. He ignores it at the moment in favour of making his way automatically to Lucas’s chat, where there’s nothing new but still plenty to look back on. 

He had stopped texting Jens around half an hour ago, even though he had only messaged Jens a good morning an hour before that. It’s slightly disappointing, that Jens has to spend the day without any chance of seeing him, but it’s also nice to think Lucas is spending time with his dad—that their relationship seems to be switching to a smoother track. Jens knows that he can’t monopolise all of Lucas’s time, not when he already sees him everyday at school, but he can’t help feeling a little put out. School doesn’t exactly provide the kind of private moments Jens is currently craving. 

Lucas isn’t exactly making it easier on him, with his sleepy flirting and his selfies. In response to Jens’s early morning texts, where he may have been overly worried to the point of asking if he was okay, Lucas had sent him a selfie from his bed with eyes still half shut and the caption ‘ _mmhm. sleeping. someone kept me up late_ ’. 

Jens is enamored with it even now, unable to stop his lips from curling up at the sight of sleep-mussed curls and an easy smile. He scrolls down through the rest of their messages, heart fluttering at how natural it feels, even in the face of slightly more intimate insinuations. 

**sorry :( should’ve given you a nicer wake up call**

_mmm I can remember one, actually_

_would be nice to do that again_

**you think you can sneak me back in another time?**

_will it be worth it?_

**you tell me ;)**

_bring that attitude and you have a deal_

Jens’s smile widens, and he hides it behind his hand as he plays with the string of his hoodie, twirling it around between his fingers as he scrolls back up to the photo. It’s stupid and strange and scary, to think that he misses him already. To think that he’d messed up his time with him yesterday is more than a little frustrating. 

He just hadn’t been able to think much yesterday at all. Not with any clarity.

Even now, it’s too easy for his mind to drift back, to remember the heartache on Robbe’s face and in his own chest as his friend had pleadingly asked him what to do. Jens hadn’t known. He still doesn’t know. He can’t imagine how he would handle such a situation, but it terrifies him to realise he can now imagine _being_ in one. 

“Are you talking to Jana?”

Jens looks back up at his mother, brows raising. “What?”

She nods at his phone. “Have you been keeping up with her? How is she managing New York?”

It makes Jens feel worse to realise he _hasn’t_ been keeping up with her. He had messaged her, of course, those first few days, but since then their conversation has dwindled. He has been too distracted, with his new situation with Lucas and the blowout with his father and Lies and then this weekend with Robbe. Jana has been at the back of his mind. He isn’t sure how to talk to her about any of what’s going on, and he isn’t sure how to talk to her without telling her. It wouldn’t feel right, with how much he has lied to her in the past and worked to get over it. 

He doesn’t know how to tell his mother any of this, either, so he simply says, “No, it’s not Jana.”

“Really? She’s the only reason I’ve ever seen you smile like that.”

“Mom, I haven’t been like that with Jana for two years.”

“I know, that’s why I’m intrigued.”

She smiles, raising a brow, and Jens slouches further into the cushions and averts his gaze. “It’s just the boys.”

He doesn’t think she’s convinced, but she merely purses her lips in acceptance. “Alright. I’m sure in a few months I’ll be finding out about your secret relationship too.”

Jens glances over at her, shoulders stiffening at the mention of his sister. “Are you mad about that?”

“She claims she’s an adult. She can make her own mistakes.”

“Why do you think it’s a mistake?”

She looks over at him, sighing heavily. “Dropping out of her last year of college to live with a boy she can’t even tell her parents about?”

“But...she is an adult. Those things are her decision. Didn’t she say she has a job already?”

Ellis huffs. “In a cafe, pouring coffee.”

“Earning a living,” Jens points out.

“I thought you weren’t pleased with her, either.”

Jens looks back down at his phone, now gone dark, and shrugs. “I didn’t like that she hadn’t told me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think she should be allowed to come home if she wanted to.”

“No one is stopping her from coming home.”

Jens shrugs again. “Dad seemed pretty clear.”

His mother releases another sigh, already having turned back to the television. “You’re being very hard on him today, Jens. He does a lot for you, you know. You need to try to be more understanding.”

Jens doesn’t understand how she can’t see her own double standards, and how much they disagree on them. He has spent the past few days mad at his sister, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand where she’s coming from. It doesn’t mean he won’t support her when she needs it. 

He can never quite understand where his father is coming from. 

With his mother quite happy to end the conversation there, he also lets it drop, though it simmers silently in his chest. He looks back at his phone and returns to Lucas’s messages and spends another while going through them, scrolling back to older conversations when he has memorised the most recent ones. It doesn’t soothe him as it had at the beginning—not now when he wishes for Lucas even more than before. 

He sends him another text, just a simple ‘thinking of you’, and then he picks himself up and tells his mother he’s going to do homework. She offers him an easy dismissal in response and he peeks into Lotte on the way to his room, asking her if she wants anything and blowing her a kiss at her shake of the head before leaving her to it.

When he gets to his own room, instead of his books, he brings out his keyboard. He settles back against his headboard before drawing it into his lap and turning it on at a low volume, pressing his fingers testingly over the keys. Once he’s satisfied, he wracks his brain for a tune, but his hands find one first. There are a few missteps at the beginning, but he quickly falls into the familiar rhythm, the slow and vibrant, the rise and fall. It’s familiar, too, to begin humming along, eventually singing under his breath as he reaches the chorus and can pick out the words. 

“ _Keep your head up, hold your head up, even though it’s a cruel world. Count your blessings, you won’t need them when you’re gone, it’s a cruel world._ ”

He feels lighter by the time he makes it to the end, a small smile making its way to his lips as the notes filter up to his ears. When he’s done, he takes his phone back out before setting it beside him with the voice recording on. 

Then he plays it again. 

When he’s done, he opens his chat with Lucas. He navigates to the file, but stops before attaching it. He exits out and deletes the recording before dropping the phone next to him and setting his hands back on the keys. 

**_Monday, 17:53_ **

**Jens:** _I’m not liking this not getting to hang out thing 😪_

_even though it’s my fault today. but kinda not because you definitely could’ve snuck in to me. Lotte wouldn’t have cared_

**Lucas:** _she wouldn’t find it weird that a guy was climbing in your second storey window, if she saw me?_

**Jens:** _her favourite Disney prince? nah, I don’t think she’d mind_

**Lucas:** _dumbass_

**Jens:** _can we at least hang out tomorrow?_

**Lucas:** _I can’t, I promised Kes and Jayden I’d do a video call_

**Jens:** _Lucasss_

**Lucas:** _sorryyy_

_is everything okay?_

**Jens:** _yeah_

_I just wanted to see you 😔_

**Lucas:** _you saw me earlier today_

**Jens:** _😒_

**Lucas:** _how about Wednesday right after school? I’ll have the apartment to myself_

**Jens:** _see, that’s much more like what I wanted to hear 😋_

**_Tuesday, 18:04_ **

**Song: _Wingtip - Strangers_**

“Okay, fuck,” Jayden laughs, shoving Kes aside. “Enough bullshitting about me. Time to listen to Lucas.”

Lucas sighs wistfully. “I miss your bullshit though.”

“Do you really though?” Kes questions. 

Jayden shoves him again in protest and Lucas laughs, even though his chest is aching because he really _does_ miss them. He misses everything about them, and about his other friends, and his home, and his mother. He misses Utrecht in general. It only gets stronger ever time he sees them, or every time they simply text him, or make a post that he isn’t involved in at all. 

He also feels like he has been neglecting them, slightly. It has been harder than he expected to keep up with everything at once. He can only deal with so much interaction on certain days. Others, it still manages to exhaust him. He has found himself needing to plan these more lengthy interactions, needing time to gather himself before being presented to his best friends. 

He’s just finding it a little hard, to keep lying to them. 

“Nah, look at him, he’s right at home. Bet he likes his new buddies Jens and whoever better,” Jayden mock sniffles. 

It’s especially hard when they say things like that. 

It would be so easy to tell them, right now. To smirk at Jayden and tell him that he’s right, and that he should be glad, because he probably wouldn’t appreciate Lucas liking him quite as much as he likes Jens. He could make a light-hearted joke out of it, then assure them he is in fact serious when they laugh, and it would finally be out. _He_ would finally be out, and he wouldn’t even have to say the words. His best friends would finally know him completely. 

Then…what then? 

He doesn’t know. He has imagined endless scenarios of how they would react, and none of them are in his favour. 

It doesn’t matter how much he tells himself that they are the chillest people he knows. That he has never seen them be anything less than entirely open and accepting. It has never mattered because he has never had to test their acceptance of _him_. 

He also doesn’t want to tell them over video-call, even though the chicken side of him points out the upside. 

Video-calling also makes it easier for him to accidentally give himself away. 

“I would’ve been okay with like a second’s hesitation but that’s just hella rude, Luc,” Kes pokes his head back in, leaning half-over Jayden as he smiles. It looks mildly concerned. 

“No, sorry,” Lucas shakes his head, huffing a laugh. “I told you, they’re not you guys.”

“But they’re treating you good now, right? Didn’t you sort things out with Jens?” Kes prods, and Lucas tries very hard not to blush. 

His situation with Jens now is drastically different to that of two weeks ago, when he’d spoken to them last. Lucas still hasn’t come to terms with it himself. If he really were to tell them, he wouldn’t even know where to begin. He’d probably throw up before he could even get the words out, with how quickly anxiety churns his stomach at the mere thought. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“You don’t sound very convinced,” Jayden says dubiously. 

Lucas has to admit that he isn’t. 

Kes nods in agreement. “I’m starting to get worried when it’s like this every time we call you, Luc. Are you really okay there?”

“No, I am,” Lucas assures. “At least I always think I am, and then I actually see you guys and I...it just reminds me that I could be there but I’m not. Then I start thinking about why, and what I’m missing, and the fact that I already don’t talk to you guys as much as expected and I haven’t actually seen you _at all_ and it sucks.”

“Hey, Luc,” Kes soothes, “we’re right here. Whenever you can come, we’ll still be here. We’ll always be here. This is our last year of school. When we’re going to uni, you can come home. He can’t say no to getting a flat with us then, right?”

Lucas blows out a sigh. “I guess not. But that’s still a really long time.” 

“So get your ass back here,” Jayden insists. “Go talk to your dad. Right now.”

“He’s in the shower…”

“Perfect. He won’t spend a bunch of time arguing when he’s naked.”

Lucas scrunches his nose as Kes makes a sound of protest and shoves Jayden out of the way, drawing the laptop onto his knee. “Okay. Don’t listen to Jayden. Go talk to him as soon as he comes out. You need to be calm, and apologetic, but _firm_ okay? He needs to know you’re taking it seriously. You understand your mistakes, yada yada, you’ll get depressed if you don’t see my face in person soon, blah blah, and you’re on the next train.”

Lucas huffs. “That simple.”

“It’s that simple,” Kes says, suddenly serious. “Just ask. Your new pals can’t begrudge you one weekend and neither can your dad.”

“I don’t know. He wasn’t sure about it the last time.”

“But you were,” Jayden points out, leaning on Kes’s shoulder to bring himself back into the frame. “You were serious about it. Don’t you miss us as much anymore?”

It’s teasing, but instead of joking back, Lucas softens. “More,” he admits. 

“Then that should be enough motivation shouldn’t it? What’s holding you back?” Kes asks. 

Lucas’s initial thought is Jens, but it isn’t the boy himself that is making Lucas hold back from his friends. It’s Lucas, and how he is with Jens, and the fact that he doesn’t want to lie about it anymore. 

But nothing scares him more than telling the truth. 

He just wants his friends to always look at him the way they are now. Soft and sure and knowing, familiar in the way that only comes with years of interaction. Patient and understanding and easy. 

He doesn’t want that to change, but he can’t be sure that it won’t. 

But maybe it needs to. 

Just, not quite yet. 

“I haven’t spoken to her since I left,” he admits softly, looking down at his lap and picking at the bedsheets, reminding himself to steal that ring again. 

Kes and Jayden are quiet for a moment. It’s eventually Kes who tests the waters further. “But that’s natural when she’s been committed, right?”

“They can still use their phones. She sent me a few texts.”

“And you haven’t replied to any?”

“I don’t know what to say to Bible verses.”

They’re quiet again. 

“You know you can stay with us,” Jayden says. “You don’t even have to think about it. It’s not even a question.”

Lucas smiles slightly, offering a grateful nod. He hasn’t been planning on using it as an excuse to actually say no, anyway. “Okay. I’m going to ask him. I’ll call you back after.”

“Fuck, now?” Kes leans forward, excited. 

“Yep. Wish me luck.”

They call out their good lucks, and Lucas hangs up, shutting his laptop as he runs a hand through his hair. He pulls the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands as he makes his way to the kitchen, sitting himself at the small round table as he waits. 

His sleeve has frayed by the time his father joins him, looking surprised to see Lucas waiting. Lucas smiles nervously and his father raises his brows. 

“What’s this?”

Lucas shakes his head, licks his lips, realises he should have prepared instead of panicking. “I was just wondering if my curfew is ending anytime soon.”

Hugo purses his lips as he moves to one of the overhead cupboards, taking a mug out as he flicks on the kettle. “Another party or something coming up?”

“No, just...I was actually wondering about going home. For the weekend.”

Hugo turns around to look at him, placing his hands on the counter behind him. He switches his gaze to the ground, scuffing his foot over it. “I haven’t been trying to keep you from your friends.”

“I know.”

“That’s not what your punishment is about.”

“I know.”

“I don’t even know what it’s about, at this stage,” the man admits, rubbing a hand over his face. He looks to Lucas again. “Your mother got out at the weekend.”

Lucas’s shoulders tense naturally. “She did?”

“Yes. I spoke to her on Sunday. She sounds better.”

_For now. She’s better for now._

“Okay?”

“So you could stay with her, if you wanted. But I understand if you’d rather stay with your friends.”

Lucas can barely realise the acceptance in the statement, focusing purely on the information regarding his mother and the new offer in place. He _could_ still go and stay with Jayden in the flatshare. Or he could go home. Really home, to the building and the room and the bed he’d stayed in all his life. To his posters and his old paintings and the scratches in the door frame, marking his life out in notches of growth. 

To his mother, who he has barely let himself think about, but misses more than he thought possible. 

“Really? I can actually do that, this weekend?”

“If that’s what you want,” his father shrugs. The kettle boils, and he turns away again to fill the mug, stirring the tea bag in the warmth before lifting it out. “I’m not trying to keep you from your mother either, Luc. I know she’d be happy to see you. She was always happy to see you.”

She hadn’t been. Not always. 

But Lucas is surprised by the sudden realisation that he really, really wants to see her. 

“This isn’t a test?” He eyes his dad carefully, prodding just once more as hope fills his chest. 

“Come on, buddy, I’m not that bad am I?”

Lucas is out of his chair and wrapping his arms around the older man before he realises it himself. Hugo stands stiff, but eventually turns around to hug him back, squeezing tight where Lucas expects a few awkward pats. It’s surprisingly comfortable, surprisingly easy. His arms fit snugly, overlapping, around his father’s waist and he’s tall enough to tuck his chin over his shoulder and close his eyes for a brief second. 

“Thank you,” Lucas murmurs. 

Hugo gives him another squeeze. “I’m still not giving you your weed back.”

**_Wednesday, 14:21_ **

**Song: _Haux - Heartbeat_**

Jens tilts his head back as Lucas tugs at his hair, allowing Lucas to lean down and kiss him, his other hand carefully cradling the side of Jens’s neck. Jens reaches his own hand up to cover it as he licks over his lips, unable to resist lacing their fingers together, letting the cool metal of Lucas’s ring press against his skin. He traces his fingertip over it and voices his question between lingering pecks. 

“Why don’t you wear this all the time?”

Lucas leans away, letting his head tilt back against the cushions as Jens settles back into his earlier position, nestled back between Lucas’s chest and knees, head pillowed on his shoulder. Lucas rests their clasped hands on Jens’s chest in order to examine the ring, lifting his free shoulder in a shrug. “It’s not mine. I steal it from my dad’s room sometimes.”

Jens uses his thumb to spin it around the boy’s index finger. “It reminds me of Sander’s.” Lucas hums. Jens kisses the underside of his jaw. “It suits you.”

Lucas gives his hair another tug, though this one is lighter, not out of any request but a basic fondness. “It’s just a bit of metal.”

“Obviously you like it though. That or you just have some kleptomaniac tendencies you’re trying to satisfy.”

“I don’t think it’s that,” Lucas laughs. “I don’t think I’m actively trying to piss off my dad anymore.”

“Can’t you just keep it? Obviously he doesn’t wear it often.”

“It’s not his,” Lucas admits quietly. “He got it for my mom a while ago and never gave it to her.”

“Oh,” Jens says, eloquently, leaving them to lapse into silence. Lucas rests his cheek against his head and shifts his hand around to drape over Jens’s shoulder. Jens traces the back of his hand, drawing mindless patterns, focusing on the ridges of vein and bone. In turn, Lucas rubs absently at Jens’s shoulder, playing with the edge of his hood. Jens is content to wait for him to speak, or to continue in the comfortable silence. He’s spent the past week and a half aching for more time alone and in private where they have this simple freedom, to be together at peace, able to touch and kiss as often as they please. 

Jens is happy just to rest in the crook of Lucas’s arm and press the occasional light kiss to his neck, more comfortable than he’s been since the last time he was in this same apartment. They’ve been here now for almost two hours, without having to sneak Jens around. Lucas had finally gotten the opportunity to give him a proper, but quick tour, reminding him of the bathroom’s location and looping through the kitchen before drawing him down on the sitting room couch, where they have yet to move from. 

“I just want to be able to do this all the time,” Lucas mumbles, tone warm. “Just sit with you and not have to think about anything or anyone else.”

Jens huffs, even as a pleasant feeling fills his chest and his lips quirk into a smile. “I think you’d get tired of that eventually.”

Lucas makes a noise of protest, shaking his head in denial without lifting it away from Jens’s, leaving him to pet Jens’s hair back down under his cheek. “I’d never get tired of you.”

“No?” Jens leans his head back to grin at him. 

Lucas shakes his head, pressing a light kiss to his nose. Jens returns it with another proper kiss, short and sweet as he re-locks their hands. Lucas doesn’t allow it for long, drawing away to trail his hand over Jens’s jaw, letting Jens kiss his fingertips. “I was worried this week.”

Jens furrows his brow. “About what?”

“That you would shut me out.”

Jens softens. He allows their noses to brush as he shakes his head, sitting up slightly to set his serious gaze on Lucas. “This is the best I’ve felt all week.”

It instantly makes Lucas smile, pleased. “Yeah?” Jens hums, accepting another soft kiss before Lucas’s expression manages to turn concerned. “Is everything okay, though?”

“Right now, it’s perfect.”

“Jens,” Lucas protests. “I’m being serious.”

Jens huffs, tucking himself back into the crook of Lucas’s neck. He plays with Lucas’s fingers, and Lucas doesn’t protest. Instead he rakes his other hand through Jens’s hair and waits patiently. “I’m serious too,” Jens mumbles. “I’m with you. I’m good.”

Lucas presses his lips to his temple, staying silent. Jens can feel his slight smile. It widens as Jens brings their hands to his mouth and kisses each of Lucas’s fingertips, then his knuckles, and finally his palm, before beginning to repeat the process. Lucas laughs quietly and attempts to tug his hand away. Jens whines in protest and clings to it and Lucas relents, setting them back down in the center of Jens’s chest. “What about Lies?”

“What about Lies?” Jens retorts. 

“Have you spoken to her yet?”

Jens bites his lip, gives a slight shake of his head. He ignores Lucas’s frown in favour of pressing a kiss underneath his chin. There’s no need to think about anything else now. Not when he can be with Lucas, touch Lucas, _kiss_ Lucas as much as he likes. He doesn’t have to bother thinking about the mess in his head when it quietens at the simple feeling of Lucas’s skin against his.

“And Jana?”

Jens furrows his brows. “What, Jana?”

“Have you been speaking to her?”

Jens doesn’t know what he expects from his tone, exactly, but he listens for a hint of jealousy in the curiosity and finds none. It’s a simple question with seemingly no ulterior motive or expected answer. “I’ve sent her a few texts to see if she’s okay, but not really.”

Lucas hums. “You don’t miss her?”

“Is this a test?”

“No,” Lucas huffs, pressing another smiling kiss to his temple. “She was important to you and now she’s not around. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Jens drops his head back with a groan. Lucas rolls his eyes down at him and Jens mimics the gesture, raising a hand and sliding it into his hair, pulling him down towards him. “I am great.” Jens punctuates the statement with a pointed drag of his lips over Lucas’s, which finally leaves the boy’s eyes drifting shut. “But I’d be better if you kissed me for real. Preferably without any mention of my sister or my ex.”

Lucas laughs slightly, still with his eyes closed, head tilted to the side as he presses his nose to Jens’s cheek. Jens turns his head in search of the other’s lips, and Lucas finally gives in, lips parting instantly against his. It’s a relief, both to not have to talk anymore and to be with Lucas like this. It’s painful, almost, seeing him at school and sitting next to him and having to bite his tongue and tie his hands. Jens has never really been shy with his affection in public or in private, but he has had some practice at keeping it a secret. 

It’s different with Lucas, though, when he knows he isn’t actually doing anything _wrong_ and still can’t shake the feeling. 

In those moments, where the fear sneaks up and settles heavy in his stomach, it almost scares him more how easy he finds it. He can’t believe himself, having the carelessness to make out with a boy in his school classroom or tuck him under his arm in an arcade or to kiss his cheek in a public park. There’s simply the sure knowledge in the moment that _not_ carrying out the action would hurt infinitely more. 

It’s the same, now, as he kisses Lucas languidly, unhurriedly, and still something in him screams for more. 

He detaches their lips just long enough to sit up and turn around, grabbing Lucas’s legs and drawing them around and out of their bent position. Lucas takes the hint, smiling widely as he slinks down to lay his head on the arm rest, stretching out under Jens as he slides his hands up over his shoulders, linking them behind his neck. 

Jens smiles down at him, hovering on hands and knees as he reinitiates their kiss, lips locking lazily together. Lucas hums into it, quiet and pleased, and Jens tilts dangerously to the side in his attempt to get closer. 

It knocks a laugh out of Lucas, who saves him by quickly locking his legs around his waist and breathing an, “Oh shit.”

Jens snorts in response, unable to prevent a smile but still capable of deepening the kiss, having lowered himself a little more against Lucas in the near-fall. It’s a heady sensation, having Lucas in such a position, thighs bracketing Jens’s hips and feet crossed behind his back. It makes heat stir low in his stomach, as Lucas subconsciously clenches his muscles and draws him further down. Jens’s breath hitches as their hips press together, and Lucas gives nothing away other than the tightening of his grip on Jens’s neck and a sloppy sweep of his tongue. 

It is, unavoidably, something Jens has thought about in the past few weeks. Numerous times. 

It hasn’t come up between them, hasn’t been acknowledged beyond the awkward moment in the classroom, in which Lucas had refused to let Jens even look at him for a few agonising minutes, even though Jens had been the one to initiate the mild embarrassment. It’s not like he hasn’t come to terms, by now, with the fact that he finds Lucas attractive. That his _body_ finds Lucas attractive, and reacts accordingly. It hasn’t come up, but his imagination is free and has run away from him on a few occasions. He can imagine what it would be like, if it was a possibility. 

But he hadn’t really realised until now that sex is something actually on the table. 

Lucas certainly doesn’t seem averse to the idea. Not when Jens kisses him harder and his jaw goes slack, or when Jens tangles his fingers in his hair and gives an accidental tug and he moans, quiet and low. Not when Jens lowers his hips on purpose, just so, and Lucas’s hitch up to meet them, involuntary and interested. 

It makes Lucas turn his head away as he sucks in a few sharp breaths, and his skin is hot under Jens’s lips when he presses them to his cheek. He follows up with a few kisses along his jaw, light, peppery pecks that have Lucas smiling in seconds, huffing an amused breath as he slides his fingers up through Jens’s hair. 

Jens knows they need to cool down. He knows that though it isn’t something they’re against, and that it no longer feels unacknowledged, it isn’t quite something they’re ready for. But he also can’t quite resist the smooth display of skin, and it’s all too easy to follow Lucas’s trail of moles up to his ear and take the lobe between his teeth. 

Now Lucas’s breath hitches, and his hand grips Jens’s hair and _pulls_. 

Lucas’s kiss is hard and messy but welcomed, the insistent press of his lips sending a shot of pleasure down Jens’s spine. It’s all too easy to get lost in it, but it ends all too quickly. 

“I wanted to talk to you,” Lucas mumbles, words no more than a few gasped breaths. He seems embarrassed by it, a dark flush creeping up his neck and into his cheeks even as Jens makes a sound of protest, recapturing the boy’s lips. Lucas nips at his bottom lip, leaving Jens groaning as he draws away, blue eyes dark but serious. “Jens.”

Jens nods, pressing one last kiss to his lips and another to his nose for good measure before dropping onto his chest with a sigh. He’s careful of the movement, careful not to directly align their hips but to sink towards the back of the sofa as Lucas’s arms come around him. He tucks his face into Lucas’s neck with an open-mouthed kiss to the skin and slings his arm around his waist once he’s settled. “Okay,” he sighs. “Sorry. I’m listening.”

Lucas smooths a hand down his back and presses a kiss to his hair and takes a moment before finding the words. “I want to tell you about my mom but I don’t want it to be a big deal. I really don’t want any pity. Can you promise me that?”

Jens works not to stiffen, taking the words in and nodding instead, giving a soothing hum. 

“She’s bipolar,” Lucas says quietly. 

It takes a moment for Jens to absorb this, his head still muddled from kisses. He still isn’t sure how to react when it sinks in. “Like Sander?”

“I don’t think they’re exactly the same, or if you can even really compare, but yeah.”

It’s certainly enough to wipe the last cobwebs from Jens’s mind and completely alter the mood. Lucas is quiet and still now under him, though his heart continues to beat rapidly under Jens’s ear. Jens lifts his head and rests it on the arm next to Lucas’s, showing that he has his undivided attention. 

“She was only diagnosed a few years ago when I was fifteen. When my dad left the first time. He came back to take care of me. Or at least that’s what he says.”

Jens retakes Lucas’s hand then settles them on Lucas’s chest this time, giving a quick, tight squeeze. He is listening, and he wants to give his support, but he doesn’t think he can do so verbally. Maybe, if Lucas hadn’t employed the no-pity rule right from the beginning, he’d be more inclined to test the waters. Now he is simply more sure than ever that he’d say the wrong thing. 

Lucas squeezes his hand back and continues. “She was recommitted for the first time a few months ago. Just a couple of weeks before we moved. So I guess it was a no-brainer for my dad that I would come with him. Because apparently she can’t take care of me with her illness but the few hours a week that he’s home count as stellar parenting. And he didn’t even think about who’s there to take care of her.”

Jens purses his lips, frowning slightly as Lucas closes his eyes and lets a harsh breath out through his nose before mumbling an apology. Jens instantly shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry for anything. I’d rather you tell me how you feel than lie to make it easier.”

“Nothing about it feels easy,” Lucas admits. “I’m also sorry that I didn’t tell you anything before. I was scared that…I don’t even know what I was scared of. It’s almost—I hate myself for it, but it’s like it’s easier to forget about it now that I’m not there. And when I got here I didn’t have to be that Lucas. I liked that no one knew.”

Jens nods, somewhat understanding of this, at least. He doesn’t begrudge Lucas his privacy, or his freedom to open up in his own time. Jens certainly hasn’t laid himself bare yet, either, and he isn’t even sure if he plans to. He isn’t sure he even knows how. 

He marvels at how easy it is for Lucas, at how neatly he can string together his thoughts now that he’s chosen to voice them. It’s a sign of strength that earns him another boundless amount of Jens’s respect. 

“I guess I understand where your dad’s coming from,” Jens says carefully. “He isn’t the best at his job either but he knows it isn’t your job to be the parent, either. You don’t have to be upset with yourself because you aren’t taking care of your mother. She’s getting the right care where she is and it’s the kind you couldn’t give on your own.”

Lucas nods. “I know,” he says quietly. “I know I can’t do everything for her, but she never asked me to. She’s always taken care of me as much as she can. I don’t understand how leaving her alone now could be better for her.”

Jens swallows, rolling his bottom lip between his teeth as he thinks of where else to take this. He finds it painful himself to imagine Lucas taking on such responsibility, doing so naturally, knowing it as the only way. He also sees where he’s coming from. “Is that why you wanted to go to Sander the other night?”

“Partially, maybe,” Lucas shrugs, voice having gone quiet again. “Sander’s a friend, so it’s different, but I just...know what it can be like, I guess.”

Jens nods again. “But you haven’t left her alone. You can talk to her anytime you like. You can go back and see her.”

“I haven’t been talking to her, though. She’s been texting and I’ve never been able to reply. I don’t know how to, Jens.”

“Hey.” Jens strokes his thumb over his jaw, presses a kiss to his cheek, and waits for him to take another breath. He thinks of Robbe, of all the nights he’d had to crawl into Jens’s bed just to have a peaceful place to sleep, of him moving into the flatshare to avoid living alone. He thinks of the weight it had left on his tiny shoulders but of the fierce love with which he had bared it. He can imagine easily enough that that same fire resides in Lucas, though perhaps it’s quieter. Not quite as visible to the untrained eye. 

“She got out this week. She’s back at home without us for the first time.” Lucas looks over at him. “So I want to go home this weekend.”

Realisation sinks in slowly as to the true reason behind this conversation. “Okay,” Jens says simply. “Do you think your dad will let you?”

Lucas nods. “I already asked him yesterday. Just to go see Kes and Jayden. But he told me about her then and said I could go stay at home.”

“That’s great,” Jens smiles softly, hoping he conveys genuine happiness even as his heart falls, just slightly. He was hoping to spend another day like this with the boy over the weekend, but he won’t begrudge him this. Not his friends, not his mother. Jens can accept that he isn’t where Lucas’s home is. He can survive a few days without him. 

Lucas raises a brow. “Really?”

Jens nods, letting his smile widen, pressing a quick kiss to Lucas’s cheek. 

“Okay. Then, what I actually wanted to ask you about is if—well I want to tell them about you.”

Now Jens’s brows raise. “You do?”

Lucas nods. “I mean they already know who you are but not...who you are to me. And I’m not exactly sure if I want them to yet, but I still wanted to start with asking you.”

“You can tell them,” Jens agrees, possibly too quickly. He isn’t quite sure why the thought makes him so giddy. The idea of Lucas telling his friends about him just makes it seem more real. It gives Jens a little more permanence in his life. “Anything you want.”

Lucas licks his lips, averting his gaze before meeting Jens’s eye again. “Well that’s actually what I’m asking. What exactly would I be telling them? Or...how should I refer to you?”

Jens understands very suddenly. “Are you asking if you can tell them I’m your boyfriend?”

Lucas flushes, ducking his head, and Jens knows he’s gotten it spot on. “I guess,” Lucas says, oddly shy and attempting to hide it with a shrug, flicking his eyes back up to Jens’s and gazing between them nervously. 

It only takes a second of hesitation before Jens is saying, “Only if I can tell Robbe you’re mine.”

Lucas’s brows shoot up. “Really?”

Jens hums, nodding surely, even though he’d only made up his mind in the past minute. 

“You’re ready for that?” 

Jens isn’t sure that he is, but he wants to be. He knows that if he can’t tell Robbe, he’ll never be able to tell anyone else. “Just for Robbe, for now. What do you think?”

“I think,” Lucas says slowly, to match his spreading smile, “that my boyfriend is really amazing.”

Jens is a little embarrassed by how widely he grins in response, and he hides it by sealing the new label with another kiss. 

**_Thursday, 17:58_ **

**Song: _David Bowie - Slow Burn_**

“Shouldn’t you also be studying?” Sander asks, already over an hour into their impromptu art session. 

“Shouldn’t you?” Lucas retorts. “As far as I know college students also have exams.”

Sander gestures to the mess around him, mix-matched paints and palettes and a messy canvas. “This is studying for me.”

Lucas rolls his eyes. “That seems unfair.”

Sander just grins at him. 

“I wouldn’t have gotten anything done. They stuck around at the library and that’s more distracting than my bedroom,” Lucas admits, grimacing at the simple thought, skin itching over it. No. He’s very glad he hasn’t joined them. 

Sander furrows his brow slightly, nodding in understanding. Then he smirks. “I have trouble focusing with Robbe in the room too.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “You don’t have trouble, your focus all just goes to one specific place from one specific place.” He raises his brows teasingly. 

A snort is his only answer, and they lapse into a short silence, focused on their joint task. He’d been the one to reach out to Sander this time, asking if he had a free evening during the week for them to hang out. Sander wasted no time after he got there dragging him to his bedroom this time, where he had already easels set up atop a few old sheets and a long canvas set across them. He’d given Lucas innocent, pleading puppy eyes before asking if he’d be up for trying to paint something together. 

“I thought this would be easier when we could take our time and actually match up what we’re doing,” Sander mumbles now, stepping back to examine their work, the mismatched styles standing in contrast. “But I don’t think it’s working.”

He shares a look with Lucas before they both begin laughing, examining the piece again as Lucas shakes his head. “I don’t think so either.”

“Maybe we should have just had a chill date,” Sander wiggles his brows. “Had a smoke.”

“You aren’t even supposed to have any weed,” Lucas narrows his eyes. 

“No, but you do.” Sander rocks forward onto the balls of feet, lifting his brows again, and Lucas shoves him away with a scoff. 

“Yeah, for later. Not for you.”

Sander pouts, but draws his shoulders up to his ears in a long shrug before gesturing at their mess again. “How do you suggest we complete this then?”

“No fucking idea. We probably should’ve just went Jackson Pollock on it.”

“Ah, is that a bit of art knowledge I detect in there after all?” Sander teases, ruffling his hair. 

Lucas bats him away and automatically runs his hand through his hair in an attempt to get it back into place. “What did my hair ever do to you?”

Sander scoffs, but gives him a bemused look. “You need it pretty for ‘later’ do you?”

“What’s later?” Lucas furrows his brows. 

“You tell me.” Sander shrugs, concentrating as he adds a few helpless brush strokes to the canvas. “Whatever you’re saving your weed for.”

Lucas stiffens. He’s saving his weed for his few hours with Jens. It’s not unusual or suspicious, just to be meeting up with him, to be spending time with him. Lucas shouldn’t be afraid to admit it, or worried that Sander already knows. Sander is naturally teasing, and Lucas knows this, but he isn’t quite so suggestive for nothing. He isn’t usually as careful about it, either. 

“I don’t think Jens cares what my hair looks like,” is what he still says, keeping his tone equally light, joking. Hopeful. 

Sander smiles slightly. “No, I don’t think Jens would mind. I'm not keeping you from him, am I?”

“No,” Lucas says hesitantly. “It isn’t that important. It’s just Jens.”

“Okay,” Sander huffs. “I’d just be worried that might bother him a little.”

Lucas shakes his head. “Jens likes that I’m friends with you. Why would it bother him?”

Sander looks at him, finally, and his smile is placating. His eyes are knowing. “I’m sure it doesn’t. I just meant if I was keeping you from him. I’d be irritated, if I thought he was keeping Robbe from me.”

“That’s not the same thing.” It is, again, hesitant. Lucas feels like he has missed something. He feels like he has to tread on eggshells. He has no idea where this conversation is going. Or at least, this is what he tells himself. Really, he has a fairly good idea and is simply hoping that he’s wrong. He should have known he was being too obvious. He should have guessed that at least Sander would pick up on it. It’s not the worst thing, to have his crush be acknowledged, but it makes things a little more treacherous. 

Sander looks away, biting at his lip, seemingly in deep consideration. Then he turns back to Lucas and says, “I saw the two of you on Saturday, Luc. In the park.”

Lucas’s heart stops beating and lodges itself in his throat. 

_No no no no no._

He could have dealt with Sander questioning him. He could have even admitted it. 

He hadn’t thought he would also know about _Jens_. 

“Saw what?” he asks, aiming for nonchalance and falling somewhere closer to terror. 

“Him kissing you.”

A tiny blast of fury goes off in Lucas’s chest. “So you were just standing there, watching us?”

“No,” Sander shakes his head, taking a step towards him. “I really just went to find you, and I didn’t _think_ , but I turned back as soon as I saw you. I didn’t want to go back to the others without you because I didn’t know what I would have said. I thought it would have been more suspicious.”

Lucas considers him, looking for a lie and deflating when he finds none. It had been easier, going back with Sander, who directed the conversation instantly, leaving no one questioning Lucas on his whereabouts or the fact that he was wearing Jens’s beanie. Robbe had simply given him a small smile and asked if everything was alright, before letting it go at Lucas’s light affirmation. He should have known then. He should have realised then, or at some stage since. He should have at least been prepared for the possibility of anyone questioning him on any of it. But he has no idea what to think now. 

He has no idea what _Jens_ will think. 

“I don’t care what you saw,” Lucas says quickly, “you can’t tell anyone. Have you told anyone?”

Sander shakes his head, eyes slightly wide. “Of course not, I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t.”

“You can’t even tell Robbe. Especially not Robbe.”

“I haven’t,” Sander reassures, taking another step towards him. “I wouldn’t. There’s nothing for _me_ to tell.”

He seems sincere. Lucas knows that he’s sincere. And still his muscles feel locked, his skin tight, his pulse erratic. The automatic fight-or-flight response has kicked in, and he wants to do both at once. To deny it until he runs out of words and then act like the topic never came up. Fight followed by flight. But he can’t deny anything. Not when Sander had seen them, not when he would see right through Lucas anyway. 

“Hey,” Sander soothes, finally closing the distance and grasping him by the upper arms. He looks at him head-on, and Lucas tries not to shy away from his touch or his gaze. “I think it’s amazing, Luc. You realise that, right?”

Lucas takes him in, the seriousness in his eyes paired with his gentle smile, and finds himself nodding slowly. 

Sander nods back, smile widening. “I mean, fuck, this is like, the best thing to happen this year.”

Lucas can’t help it. His lips twitch in a smile. 

Then he realises that Sander _knows_. 

“Fuck.” Lucas moves away from him to drop onto the edge of Sander’s bed, rubbing his hands over his face. Sander turns to keep facing him, but doesn’t follow. “I can’t believe you saw us. That was so stupid. Shit. You don’t think anyone else did, do you?”

“No,” Sander shakes his head. “There was no one else around. It was just because I was looking for you specifically.”

Lucas blows out a breath and lets his hands drop. He looks up at Sander, feeling his heartbeat ease slightly. “Sorry for...flipping a little.”

Sander huffs, his gentle smile returning as he joins Lucas on the bed and bumps their shoulders. “It’s okay. I’m assuming you haven’t told anyone else?”

Lucas shakes his head, lips pursed. He licks them before admitting, “No one else even knows that I’m gay. Apart from Noor.”

Sander seems surprised by the last bit of information, but he merely raises his brows. “And Jens, obviously.”

“And Jens,” Lucas agrees with a huff. He looks over at the blonde. “You’re reacting very calmly.”

“I’ve already had like a week to freak out about it,” Sander shrugs. “Speaking of, can I ask how long it’s been?”

Lucas thinks back, then blinks. “Not even two weeks since we kissed, actually. I haven’t even been here very long.”

“Jens acts fast when he figures out what he wants,” Sander agrees, seeming impressed. He shakes his head. “I can’t get over it. _Jens._ How didn’t I pick out that one?”

“Hey,” Lucas gapes at him. “Where’s your surprise over me?”

Sander simply looks at him. 

Lucas drags his hand down his face. “Fuck,” he mutters. 

Sander hums agreeably, sympathetically, and Lucas heaves a sigh before looking at him again. It doesn’t feel as terrifying as he expected, now that he’s had a moment to come to terms with it. Now that he realises he can trust Sander. That Sander, of all people, was never going to judge them. That Sander would never have judged him. 

It’s also nice to realise he can talk about it. About Jens. Without having to brush anything off or give dumb excuses or feel like his heart is going to climb up through his throat. 

“Good?” Sander questions softly, and he nods. 

“Sorry,” he repeats. “It’s just...it’s not even me that I freak out about anymore. I want Jens to be able to do all of this on his own time.”

Sander nods. “I understand that. You should both take your time. Just do what feels right when it feels right. I know how hard it was for Robbe, even when he had Milan and me to talk to. Me knowing doesn’t change anything other than that you can talk to me as openly as you want. I won’t rush anything.”

Lucas smiles weakly. “Thanks,” he whispers. “But Jens is telling Robbe tomorrow. At least, that’s the plan. And...I’m telling my friends when I go home this weekend. Tomorrow, actually.”

Sander raises his brows, grinning. “Really?” 

Lucas nods. 

“I’m surprised Jens isn’t hogging you today then,” Sander muses. 

Lucas huffs, blushing slightly. “He didn’t want to turn Robbe down. And then he found out I’d made plans with you anyway.”

“And got all pouty?”

“Maybe a little,” Lucas grins. 

Sander snorts, bumping his shoulder again, allowing himself to be excited now that Lucas has lost his edge. “This is honestly mind-blowing. I mean, I suspected you were into him a little and Jens was kind of obvious, now that I know, but I still didn’t think it could be Jens, y’know?”

“I don’t think he knew himself,” Lucas shrugs, slightly bashful. 

“He just knew he liked you,” Sander beams. He looks inches off clapping his hands like an excited kid. “Fuck, it’s really cute actually. Is that what he’s like? Is he all cute with you?”

Lucas flushes, facing straight ahead instead as he thinks about it, smiling slightly. “Yeah, he’s sweet.”

Sander cooes. “Okay...and what’s he _like_?”

Lucas looks at him, still smiling but brow furrowed. “What?”

“Like,” Sander makes a vague gesture, then raises his brows pointedly as he gives a small roll of his hips. 

“ _Sander_ ,” Lucas blushes furiously, shoving him away and resisting the temptation to hide. “We haven’t done anything like that.”

“Even better.” Sander straightens, twisting around to sit cross legged on the bed, facing Lucas. “You can ask me for pointers first.”

“Jesus, _no_.” Lucas does hide now, covering his face with is hands and turning away from the older boy.

“What? I’m your guru, who else are you going to ask?”

**_Friday, 15:47_ **

**Song: _Lauv - I Like Me Better_**

“You can still change your mind.”

Jens raises his brows. “Are you trying to talk me out of it?”

Lucas tugs him closer by the shoulders, shaking his head as he rolls his eyes. “Why would I do that?”

“He’s your friend, too. You also have to be ready for him to know.”

“I am. I’m ready for anyone to know.”

Jens smiles slightly, leaning down, letting their noses brush. “Yeah?”

Lucas hums, throat bobbing as he swallows, looking up at Jens through his lashes. It’s not entirely appropriate for their location, ducked around behind the cafe Jens is meeting Robbe at in roughly ten minutes. It’s not entirely private, but it’s entirely irresistible. Lucas seems to feel the same, lips parting slightly as he gives another tug to Jens’s shoulders, pulling him in, asking for whatever Jens will give. Jens grants him a slow kiss, soft, hesitant, too aware of their surroundings to give in to it quite as much as he wants to. Lucas sighs into it anyway, shifting his hands into Jens’s hair, leaning back against the wall behind him and pulling Jens along. 

It has Jens making a tiny noise of protest. “You have to go in like five minutes.”

Lucas sighs, leans in to Jens’s hold on his waist instead, and pouts. “Don’t wanna.”

“You can also still change your mind,” Jens says, only half-joking. “Stay with me for the weekend.”

He adds puckered lips to the end of his suggestion and Lucas snorts, kissing him quickly before letting out a groan. “No, I have to go.”

Jens groans back, pressing their foreheads together, then their noses, then their lips again, drawing out the contact as much as he can, letting it soothe his nerves. Lucas laughs slightly into it, just a short sound of amusement, low and pleasing, and Jens grips him a little tighter. “You’ll text me when you get there? And when you tell them?”

Lucas blows out a breath, nodding. “I think it’ll probably be tomorrow before I do that. Unless the perfect opportunity somehow presents itself before then.”

“That’s okay,” Jens mumbles, kissing his cheek. “Even if you don’t want to, that’s okay.”

“I want to,” Lucas assures. “Gotta flex my hot boyfriend on them while I can.”

Jens stares at him for a moment, valiantly trying to hold it back, before he’s burying his laughter in the crook of Lucas’s neck. It doesn’t take long for the other boy to join him. “You’re ridiculous,” Jens mumbles, lips brushing over soft skin, making Lucas shiver. 

“You like me anyway,” Lucas says simply, turning his head and pressing a kiss to his temple, and Jens can’t argue with that. “But I really gotta go.”

Jens does too, but it doesn’t stop him from protesting, kissing Lucas hard again before finally forcing himself to step back. Lucas smiles at him, trailing his hand down his cheek before letting it fall, and Jens lets out a sigh. “Okay, go, before I change my mind.”

Lucas’s smile widens. “Would you lock me away?”

“If I could,” Jens says, only half a lie. “Go,” he orders, but Lucas simply laughs as he’s being shooed away. 

He pulls Jens in for one last kiss, languorous and lingering, and then he’s slipping away. 

Jens watches him go, turning to lean against the wall for a moment until he gathers himself. Then he runs a hand through his hair and makes his way around front. 

Robbe is already there when he slips inside, sitting at their usual table near the door with his back to Jens. He looks up and smiles as Jens slides into the seat across from him, but it does nothing to ease Jens’s nerves. 

“Hey,” Robbe chirps, crossing his arms on the table as Jens shrugs off his coat. “Was worrying that you’d ditched me for a second there.”

Jens panics, but he eases up with a quick glance at his phone. “I’m perfectly on time. And I wouldn’t have stood you up, I’m the one who wants to talk.”

“Straight to the point,” Robbe raises his brows. “Okay. What’s up?”

“Okay,” Jens agrees. Then he stops. 

He has thought about this. He had planned it out meticulously the night before, in fact, running through as many possible variations of the conversation as he could think of as he couldn’t sleep. Now that he’s actually faced with it, however, he just feels lost and extra tired. He suddenly wishes that he and Lucas had decided to do this together, but he knows Robbe will probably appreciate it like this. He certainly isn’t going to react badly. Jens just needs to say it. He feels like he’ll burst if he doesn’t. 

“Uhm.”

Robbe’s brow has furrowed now, and he leans slightly further across the table in concern. “Hey. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Jens nods, licking his lips. He crosses his arms in front of him, mimicking Robbe’s position on the table. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Jens.” Robbe smiles slightly. 

“I think I’ve been kind of...quiet lately.”

Robbe hums, taking a moment to think before giving a tiny nod, encouraging him to go on. 

“So there’s been...something.”

Jens breaks off again, looking down at his hands, folding and unfolding them, unsure why he’s making this so hard, why he’s drawing it out. It’s Robbe. Jens has already said the words to Lucas, too, so it isn’t that. 

It’s just...it’s Robbe. 

“This is starting to seem very familiar,” Robbe says, and it’s light and joking, but Jens jumps at the opportunity. 

“It’s very much the same, yeah,” he says quietly, meeting Robbe’s eyes now and silently pleading with him to understand. 

It takes a moment, but Robbe’s eyes widen slightly. His expression turns soft and careful and searching and then he says, very simply, “ _Oh_.”

Jens swallows hard and clenches his hands together again, but he doesn’t flinch away, doesn’t break their eye contact. He sits in the silence and lets it settle between them. Robbe can be the one to move it forward. 

“Is this about Lucas?”

Jens hadn’t expected him to get _there_ quite so quickly.

The question is spoken softly, and Robbe’s smile is soft, and so entirely Robbe that Jens doesn’t tense but instead slumps back in his seat, lips parting. “How did you just jump there?”

“Well, it’s a little obvious.”

“Did you _know_?”

Robbe shakes his head slightly, smile widening. “No, not really. I had the idea a few times, but I didn’t look much into it. I told myself if it was anything you’d come to me about it when you were ready.”

Jens nods slowly, mostly in appreciation, some more tension seeping out of him at Robbe’s calm responses. 

“What...exactly is it about?” Robbe asks carefully. 

“Honestly?” Jens tilts his head back, blowing out a breath. “I’m still not sure myself.”

“Okay,” Robbe huffs, nudging his arm lightly. “But you and Lucas…?”

Jens flushes instantly and tries not to be embarrassed about it, coming to rest against the table again as he drops his eyes to the wood. “We’re together.”

He’s confused by the silence that greets him, and he’s forced to look up to see Robbe’s wide and blinding grin, eyes crinkled and dimples out in full force. Jens resists the urge to hide away from it. It seems like too much joy, too much love, too much pride for such a simple fact. He’s already proud enough of himself for capturing Lucas’s attention, for having the boy reciprocate his feelings, and for not driving himself crazy in the process. 

“How long?”

“Two weeks today since we kissed,” Jens says, bashful, feeling like a preteen again, bragging to his best friend over his first peck with a girl. It’s nothing like that with Lucas, but it feels new and exciting and terrifying in a similar way. He feels a tiny bit crazy over it. 

Robbe presses his hands to his cheeks, rubs them to try to get rid of his grin, gives up and leans into his hands instead. “Fuck. Have you been sneaking around since?”

Jens is blushing too much for the innocence of the conversation. “Kind of. Yeah. Obviously not very well.”

“But, man,” Robbe sighs, rubs his hands over his face, tries again. “I mean how did this even happen? I mean no obviously I get that but were you...did you know right away?”

“No,” Jens admits. “Or yes, but I didn’t even realise. I still don’t...it’s very new,” he sighs.

Robbe nods, grin muting into something more understanding. “I know. That’s okay,” he repeats. 

“I think I’m bi.”

Robbe’s brows raise, but he nods slightly, grin stretching again. “That makes sense.”

“But, Robbe, really, I don’t know.” Jens tosses his hands up and lets them drop again, shaking his head in an attempt to bring his thoughts around, unable to articulate them properly. “I mean a week before that, after the Halloween party, I almost kissed him and realised that I wanted to and my head was so...messy. Like I googled and took all these quizzes and everything and it was like, ‘you haven’t had sex with ten guys but you have with half as many girls so you’re straight’. I don’t even know if I’m attracted to any guys other than Lucas. I don’t know if I always have been and didn’t notice or if now I feel like I should be but can’t be because I just like Lucas or—“

He tosses his hands up again and this time Robbe catches them, placing them back on the table and gripping his wrists carefully. “Hey,” he soothes, laughing slightly. “Just slow down, okay? You’re sure you like Lucas right?”

Jens nods automatically, not even needing to think, the butterflies in his stomach activating at just the sound of his name. 

“Okay,” Robbe smiles, giving his wrists a squeeze. “That’s all you need to know. But I get if you feel the need to have something to come out as. You did some research and kind of feel that bi fits?”

“Kind of,” Jens mumbles. “It seems somewhat like what I’ve felt.”

“Okay. If that’s what you’re comfortable with you can use that. If you realise later that’s wrong, there’s nothing wrong with it. You don’t have to get a label tattooed to join the club or anything,” Robbe jokes. 

Jens feels himself easing up at it, finally able to offer a slight smile back, absorbing the information silently. He hadn’t really thought of it like that. He supposes it must be true, though. If he’s only thinking of this word now, it wouldn’t be a big deal to realise a different one fits better in a few months or a few years or whenever. 

He likes Lucas. He’s sure of that. He knows those feelings won’t change anytime soon. The only label that’s truly important to him is that of his boy. He thinks, weirdly, that he’d gladly be known simply as Lucas’s boyfriend from now on, that he doesn’t need to be known by his sexuality itself, that his actual relationship isn’t going to change with it. He trusts Robbe’s word on this, and he trusts his heart in its beats for Lucas, and he trusts Lucas. 

“Okay?” Robbe questions gently. 

Jens nods, letting out a long breath through his nose. “It’s been a busy few weeks in here.”

“You could have come to me any time you wanted,” Robbe says softly. Then he immediately adds, “But I understand why you didn’t. I’m glad you’re telling me now though. Fuck, I’m really glad for you, Jens.”

His toothy grin is back, bright and shining and full of Robbe’s now-familiar, contagious joy, effortlessly light and happy in a way it never was before. It’s truly infectious, and Jens finds himself slowly grinning back, wide and dopey, ecstatic and relieved. 

“I’m glad you know, too,” he says quietly, heart fluttering pleasantly before it settles. 

“Now that I can let myself see it like this it’s too cute,” Robbe mumbles, covering his face with his hands but peeking through, smirking teasingly. 

Jens scoffs, blushes again, ignores Robbe’s cooes and smirks back. “Cuter than you and Sander.”

“Well, that’s pushing it a little.”

**_Friday, 23:51_ **

**Songs: _Loud Luxury - Gummy; The Weeknd - Blinding Lights; EDEN - crash_**

Lucas tiptoes through the halls of his house, feet automatically taking him over the safest, quietest path. He hasn’t been gone long enough to forget, muscle memory still intact, and he only falters on the stairs, unsure if there’s a creak in the fourth step down or the fifth. He guesses correct (it’s actually the sixth) and makes his way to the front through the dark hallways. They’re still brighter than that of his Antwerp apartment, all painted in homely colours, beige in places but blue and purple and red in others. 

He feels better than expected, having returned to it, though he thinks it has been largely helped by his mother’s warm reception. She’d been lucid and bright the whole evening, grinning as soon as Lucas opened the door and enveloping him in a familiar hold. Lucas had clung to her for longer than he’d like to admit, feeling relief seep through him with every passing second. She had even made him dinner and brought out ice cream and chocolate for dessert, chatting easily with her son, asking countless questions and carefully skirting around any mention of her stay in the clinic. 

Lucas wasn’t going to be the one to push. 

He told her a little about Antwerp instead, about the apartment and the school and the boys. He’d had to tell her about Jens without truly telling her, and it left him choking out the words, but he managed. 

He is ready to tell his friends, but there are some things he can’t quite manage yet. 

His friends are the reason he is being forced to tiptoe through the house now, sneaking out after an SOS message from Kes. He’d seen him just hours ago, first thing when he arrived in Utrecht, and spent a few hours with him and Jayden before actually making his way home. 

He doesn’t quite understand what emergency there can possibly be now. 

He finds Kes already waiting at the end of his street, sat on his scooter with his phone in his hands, typing away. Lucas hugs his jacket closer around himself as he makes it to him and clears his throat. 

Kes jumps, letting out a small yelp and fumbling with his phone as he looks up at Lucas. “What the fuck? You don’t just sneak up on someone like that.”

“That someone is dragging me out at midnight for an emergency they won’t explain. Seriously, what’s going on?”

“Come with me,” Kes beckons with his head, having turned suddenly serious. “We need to go to Jayden’s.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to waste time explaining, okay? Come on, Luc, get on.”

Lucas stares at him for another second before blowing out a sigh. He climbs on behind Kes and barely has time to take up a tight grip on his waist before they’re taking off. He marvels at how easy it feels, to sit so close to his friend, to hold on to him like this and feel unbothered by it. His heart only pounds with the wind whipping at him and the concern over this ‘emergency’. He can’t imagine what would have happened to have Kes call him so urgently, can’t understand why Jayden hadn’t reached out to him himself, but had contacted Kes. There’s a familiar tension laced through him, a tightness in his chest. 

But he isn’t bothered by this. 

His heart isn’t racing because of his proximity to his best friend. He isn’t hurt over his own feelings. There aren’t any feelings he shouldn’t be having. 

There hasn’t been for a while, but it’s still a relief to realise. 

It allows him to relax, just slightly, for the duration of the journey. His panic only rises when they make it to the apartment complex, and Kes gets up and heads straight for the door. Lucas follows hastily, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket, the breaths puffing out in front of his face doing nothing to ease his nerves. He shifts a little closer to Kes as he knocks, three quick raps that seem deafening in the silence of the night. 

It seems like an eternity before the door swings open and reveals Liv, surprisingly well-dressed for midnight and looking nowhere near as anxious as Lucas feels. She’s rather serious, however, which is slightly disconcerting, and she doesn’t seem at all surprised to see them as she quickly ushers them inside. 

“Jayden’s in the living room,” is all she offers, and Lucas swallows around the lump in his throat as he follows closely behind Kes. 

The room is dark, and Lucas is disoriented in the moment before the light flicks on and there’s a loud chorus of, “Surprise!”

He squints against the sudden brightness and feels his heart drop back into his stomach as he takes in the group of people filling the space. All the members of the apartment are there, Jayden at the forefront and Ralph and Esra together at the side, the other girls filling the rest of the space, Isa and Janna and Engel all with huge smiles on their faces, Noah even stood a little ways behind them. 

He’s confused as he takes in the banner attached to the wall behind them, the one with ‘Happy Birthday’ scrawled in a large funky script. He finds himself flicking his eyes questioningly to Kes as the boy sets a hand on his shoulder and shakes, before he realises they’re all looking at _him_. 

Then he realises that it’s now after midnight, and already his birthday. 

Liv squeezes his other shoulder, offers him a bright grin, and snaps him suddenly back to his senses. 

“What the fuck?” The words are only choked out through a laugh, but it’s enough to break the standstill and send Jayden and Isa both barreling towards him. 

He barely manages to stay on his feet as they wrap their arms around him with Isa squealing an excited, “Happy Birthday!” Kes joins them, curling the hand on Lucas’s shoulder around his neck instead and circling the other around Jayden, and Lucas laughs. He lets himself be surrounded by his three best friends and forces himself to breathe, and he’s happy. He’s happy. He’s with his friends, and it’s his birthday. 

How else should he feel?

Of course he’s happy. 

“Assholes,” he laughs, squeezing them all as best he can, heart slowly fluttering back up and settling comfortably in his chest. “Fuck, I missed you.”

They release him eventually, Isa and Jayden sliding back a step but Kes keeping his arm over his shoulders. “You only saw us a couple hours ago,” Jayden teases. 

“Not me,” Isa points out, slapping his arm before hugging Lucas around the waist again. “I didn’t even think I’d miss you this much.”

Lucas scoffs. “Wow, thank you, Ies. What a warm welcome.”

Isa stretches up onto her tiptoes and presses a kiss to his cheek. “You’ll think so when you get all your presents.”

“Did you guys buy me presents?”

“Of course we did,” Liv interrupts, punching his arm lightly. “Dude, it’s your eighteenth. We aren’t stupid enough to organise a party with no presents.”

Lucas flushes, feeling strangely bashful, oddly overwhelmed. He smiles slightly, and it feels out of place, but they’re all smiling back, and then Kes is pulling him right into the fray. Lucas goes willingly, smile widening as Engel hugs him gingerly while Janna gives him a big hug and a smacking kiss on the cheek. Even Ralph greets him cheerfully, pulling him into a hug and then instantly pressing a beer into his hand. 

“You need to tell us all about Antwerp and particularly these boys on your insta,” Ralph pleads, hand tight on his shoulder and eyes wide. 

Kes makes a sound of protest. “It’s his party and he needs to get wrecked.”

Ralph only shrugs. “Why can’t he do both? One request, Lucas, just tell me if there are any pretty boys who like other pretty boys.”

Lucas’s pulse is pounding in his temples. “A few,” he hums. “But not for you.”

He isn’t quite expecting Ralph to raise his brows in stronger interest, isn’t sure what to do with the tiny hint of pride in his surprise, and has to hold back from automatically defending himself. Ralph probably isn’t implying anything. Lucas just needs to breathe. Jens would already be telling him to chill. He needs to not think about Jens. 

He hadn’t realised how it would feel, being back here with the knowledge of his new life on the tip of his tongue and an intense fear sewing his lips tightly shut. 

“Aww, Luc wants to keep all his new besties to himself,” Jayden teases, coming up behind him to ruffle his hair. 

“Maybe it’s you guys I don’t want to share,” Lucas points out. 

Kes cooes at him this time, pinching his cheek and then nudging Lucas’s hand up until the rim of his beer is bumping against his lips. Lucas huffs in amusement and bats him away, but takes a long swing of the alcohol and receives a few pats on the back. 

It doesn’t take long for the party to come into full swing. Lucas had forgotten how easy it is with them. The music gets louder and his mind gets foggier and he forgets. He lets Isa and Liv drag him into a dance, even indulges Ralph and twirls him under his arm. He lets Janna film a handful of ridiculous Instagram stories and reposts some of them on his own, unthinking. It’s late, and the only people who watch it are a few casual friends from here and, not so surprisingly, Sander. Only when he receives the following ‘ _wtf?? happy birthday Luc_ ’ message does he spiral back into reality. 

He realises then that they hadn’t known it was his birthday, because he hadn’t told them. Because he hadn’t known. Which means Jens doesn’t know, but he will after tonight. Which means he’ll ask why Lucas didn’t tell him—which is a question he can’t really answer. 

The music seems at once too loud and distant. His head is spinning with it. His head is spinning with everything. His pulse is thumping in his temples. The smile on his face doesn’t falter. 

“Hey, Luc.” Isa is suddenly there, grinning up at him even as her eyes flicker over him curiously and she tucks her arm through his. “Come get some snacks with me, I’m starving.”

Lucas follows her wordlessly, bonelessly, inattentive to the rest of his friends still dancing around and singing wildly. He doesn’t breathe until he makes it under the fluorescent lights of the kitchen, and then his breaths come too shallow and too quick. Isa delves through the various bowls of treats, stuffing her mouth with crisps and offering Lucas a bar of chocolate. 

He takes it and focuses with too much attention how he opens the wrapper, taking his time tearing off the corner and unwinding the rest, then realises he doesn’t want it. He takes a bite anyway, bigger than he would usually when he wants to savour something. It feels too thick, too heavy on his tongue, tough to swallow down. 

He smiles when Isa grins at him. “You missed me then?”

“I had no idea how much you worked at keeping Kes and Jayden sane,” Isa says, eyes wide, breath tainted with alcohol. “They’re like two big babies. Two mopey babies.”

Lucas huffs, shaking his head slightly as he glances back towards the sitting room where they’re all throwing themselves around. Jayden manages to hook Ralph under his arm for only a few seconds before the man is escaping and sneaking in to join them, wide-eyed and unkempt in his shirt and jeans. Lucas wishes he’d thought to put on jeans rather than his sweats. He doesn’t look like he came dressed for his own party, which makes sense considering the surprise and is annoying considering the photos. Ralph reaches between Lucas and Isa for another drink, a pink cocktail mix that sharply assaults Lucas’s senses once Ralph twists off the cap. 

“I hope the two of you are just in here recharging,” Ralph raises his brows. “Can’t have the birthday boy ditching us yet.”

Isa hums. “You do look tired, Luc.”

Lucas shrugs. “I wasn’t prepared for this. The train takes it out of you a little too. I mean, I was sleeping when Kes called.”

He’d fallen asleep talking to Jens, watching each other through the screen. He’d woken up to a message saying, ‘ _just hang up next time, dumbass. I wish I was in that bed with you. you’re beautiful when you sleep_ ’. 

Which wasn’t as heartwarming as it might have been, if it hadn’t been marred by Kes’s call. 

“Ah, that must be why you’re not very forthcoming, hm? I’ll have to get back to you tomorrow for the details,” Ralph lifts his brows. 

Isa giggles. “I don’t think tomorrow will be the best idea either.”

Lucas laughs along with her at Ralph’s pout, but promises tomorrow he’ll attempt to be more lucid—even if slightly hungover. He grasps at the tabletop behind him as the two chatter quietly, gripping tight until his knuckles strain. He doesn’t know where his beer went. He still has the chocolate wrapper in his other hand. He crumples it in his fist and then drops it on the table, flexing his fingers. 

He doesn’t notice that the attention has shifted back to him until Isa speaks. “You’re okay in Antwerp with your dad though, right, Luc?”

Lucas turns his gaze to her and nods, smiling reassuringly. “Yeah. It’s going surprisingly well, actually. After the first few weeks at least.”

“Hasn’t he had you under lock and key?” Ralph questions. 

“No,” Lucas huffs. “He grounded me for a few days for having a tiny bag of weed and then it was lifted to a curfew so I could go to a Halloween party.”

Isa smiles. “You’re not missing out on anything then, huh?”

“Just all this.” Lucas raises a brow, gesturing around them. 

“We’re still your favourites right?” Isa pokes his cheek.

“You haven’t met anyone special?” Ralph butts in. 

Lucas and Isa both turn to look at him as Lucas feels the tension in his chest grow. As if a hand has wrapped around his ribs and squeezed with impossible force. He’s sure they can hear the helpless, jackrabbit beat of his heart even over the music. 

He smiles and gives a small shake of his head. 

“Oh no, wait,” Isa squeezes his arm. “Tell him about the art guy. Sander, isn’t it?” She looks at Ralph. “You have the same hair and everything.”

Ralph perks up in interest. “Gay?”

“Yep,” Isa chirps. 

“No. He has a boyfriend but he’s not gay,” Lucas amends.

“Either way, taken,” Ralph sighs. “But cute. Tell me more.”

Lucas feels more grateful for Isa than he’s willing to let on, but from her gentle smile he is almost sure she sees it anyway. He lets go of the counter to sling an arm over her shoulder instead, even as his skin tingles in protest and his muscles bunch and lock. She settles against his side and he tells them about Sander and his art, and a little about Robbe by extension (and at Ralph’s pleading request). He allows himself to ease into the familiarity of it, even with Jens’s name constantly on the tip of his tongue. 

“Why are you all hiding in here?” Kes bounds in, stealing a crisp from the table and Isa from under Lucas’s arm. “You can’t keep the birthday boy from his own birthday.”

Jayden pops his head through the doorway, grinning cheekily at the group of them but focusing mostly on Lucas. “That’s okay, we have all night.”

Lucas realises, suddenly, why he doesn’t, and quickly shakes his head. “I didn’t tell my mother I was leaving. I need to be there in the morning. Fuck, she’ll freak otherwise.”

“Hey, woah,” Kes sets a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “I can take you back home when we’re done, okay? I haven’t even taken anything specifically for that reason. Just take a breath.” He takes an exaggerated breath in and waits for Lucas to copy him before blowing it out in the same fashion, then grinning. “Now you can enjoy a while longer, okay?”

They’re all watching him, so he rolls his eyes and nods and lets himself be dragged back in. 

It’s well into the night when they bring out the cake and sing a drunken ‘Happy Birthday’. Isa makes him pose with the large ‘18’ balloons then, posting it on his Instagram for him while he lacks the sense to protest. He does, after a while, realise that he’s having fun and the world doesn’t feel quite as distorted. He can breathe. 

Then it eventually gets to the point where they begin to drop off, and Kes leads him back outside to the scooter. 

It’s truly freezing, now, and seems even darker than before. Lucas wishes he had worn something warmer than his jacket and hoodie combo, even though he also wears a shirt beneath the layers. He sits close to Kes and shuts his eyes against the dark and the wind and breathes through the slight roll of his stomach. Alcohol has never helped his travel sickness. 

Kes drops him off, again, at the end of the street, but walks the rest of the way down with him. Lucas is glad, because he almost feels that he would go to the wrong house without guidance, or simply curl up on the street. 

“Did you have any fun?” Kes questions, hopeful, and Lucas is honest in his responding ‘yes’. “Okay, good. It was a bit of shabby organising, but Liv really gets things done when she goes into boss mode. But we’ll take you out tomorrow—or today I guess—for proper drinks and more cake. With your mom’s prior permission this time, please.”

Lucas smiles, nodding. “Sounds good.” 

Kes huffs, smiling softly at him as he pulls him into a tight hug. “Okay. Happy birthday, man. It’s so fucking good to see you.”

Lucas wraps his arms around him and holds on just as tightly, burying his face in his shoulder. Kes sets a hand on the back of his head, light and fond, and Lucas squeezes him just a little closer before he can let go. It was hard to understand, even when seeing him through a screen, just how much he had missed his best friend. He’d been shocked by the force of it on arrival, and it returns now, an overwhelming wave of love and relief as Kes presses a kiss to his temple before releasing him. 

“Rest up now for the next round of festivities, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lucas agrees, sighing, body heavier than it had been a moment ago. “Thanks, Kes. Really.”

“Always the best for you.” Kes offers him a wink and another pat on the shoulder before heading back down the sidewalk, and Lucas watches right until the scooter speeds away. 

Then he unlocks his door and heads inside. 

He barely remembers to be quiet as he tosses his keys on top of the unit inside the door and slips out of his shoes. He hangs his jacket on the rack and creeps slowly back to the bottom of the stairs, ready to simply drag himself to bed and pass out. He pulls his phone out of the pocket of his hoodie when he makes it to the top, checking the views on his story and the reactions to his post before opening his messages with Jens. 

He hears the noise before making it to his room, a bang followed by mumbling, and he freezes in his steps. He listens again, hears a faint thump, and slowly turns around and creeps towards the bathroom instead. 

The door is cracked open, the light pouring out, and Lucas slowly pushes his way inside to find his mother sat on the floor against the bath, rocking slowly back and forth. 

He curses under his breath and immediately moves to her side, crouching down in front of her with furrowed brows. “Mama, hey, what’s going on? Hey, look at me.”

“No, no,” she wails, and it’s only when she shakes her hands and moves them from her face that Lucas realises she’s crying. “I’m not falling for it again, you’re not here, no.”

“Mama, what?” Lucas’s voice cracks, but he shifts closer, leaning one knee on the tiles. “Of course I’m here, look, I’m right here.”

She shakes her head rapidly, tucking her face behind her hands once more. Blocking him out, protecting herself. Lucas feels bile rise into his throat. He pushes on, leaning forward the rest of the way as he repeats his reassurances, setting a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

It’s the wrong move. She flinches, reflexive, and then violently shoves him away, making him topple back onto his ass and his phone skitter across the floor. He lets out a pained shout as his head knocks back against the pillar of the sink, cursing as he raises a hand to the area and drags himself towards his phone. He picks it up and instantly drops it again, another string of curses falling from his lips as there’s a sharp sting in his palm. The screen of his phone has smashed to bits, and a few tiny pieces of the shattered glass have lodged themselves in his skin. He grits his teeth, leaving his phone where it lies for the moment, taking a slow breath to steady himself as the faint scent of blood hits. 

He pushes himself back to where his mother is still curled into herself, and tries again. “Mama,” he insists. “I’m here. Listen to me. If I tell you something you don’t know will you believe me?”

She casts her gaze up at him, eyes fluttering all over his face, and doesn’t answer. 

“Did you know Van Gogh did the Starry Night painting while in a psych ward?”

She blinks at him. 

“No, because I’m the art nerd, right? If you were just imagining me you wouldn’t be able to imagine that. I came home to you and we had dinner and watched that sitcom you like before we went to bed. I went out to see Kes for a while and I’m sorry I didn’t warn you. But I’m here,” he insists. “It’s me.”

It only takes a few more seconds of her gazing at him before her face crumples, and he catches her as she slumps forward against his chest, wrapping his arm around her and ignoring the throb of his other hand. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, still crying quietly, latching tightly onto his waist. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Lucas presses a kiss to her hair and closes his eyes, attempting to ease the pounding of his skull. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically a lot of coming outs! It contains brief depictions and discussions of mental illness, as well, and the ‘Friday 18:26’ clip contains mild sexual content!

**_Saturday, 13:20_ **

**Song: _Benny - Boys Will Be Boys_**

Jens watches the story again, watches a redheaded girl he doesn’t know wrap her arm around Lucas’s neck and pull him into the frame. The two of them grin cheesily at the camera, Lucas’s eyes squinted exaggeratedly, happily, as the girl hollers a ‘happy birthday’ and presses a kiss to his cheek. Next is a full shot of the party, reposted from the same girl, then a recording of Lucas’s own, with a shorter girl with a head of curls who Jens thinks is Isa, and then the boys he recognises as Kes and Jayden. All of them giving Lucas the same cheerful, enthusiastic wishes. 

_Happy birthday._

He had woken up to Lucas’s post, with the balloons leaving no doubt as to its purpose. 

He’s startled from examining further when his door opens and Moyo slips inside, smiling easily at him and instantly flopping onto his bed. “Hey man. Oh, is that Lucas’s party? Why the fuck didn’t we know it was his birthday?”

Jens stares at him, brows raised and lips slightly parted. “What are you doing here?” 

Moyo raises a brow back. “You invited me?” He gives a small laugh as Jens continues to look on in confusion. “Dude, where is your head at these days? Remember on Thursday at lunch when Lucas was talking about going home and you got all pouty so I asked if you wanted to hang out? And you said to come here?”

“Right,” Jens eventually allows. It does poke vaguely at his memories, but it’s quite unclear. Still, it isn’t as if he’s going to turn Moyo away. He has no reason to. It’s better than staring at his phone any longer. “Cool.”

Moyo snorts. “Okay, cool. I also texted you when I was leaving my house. And you didn’t reply. Which is why your mom had to let me in.”

Jens furrows his brows before drawing down the notification bar on his phone. He purses his lips when he sees the text from Moyo, wondering how he had taken on such an absentminded focus that he missed it completely. “You did.”

“But I can see you were preoccupied,” Moyo raises his brows. “Didn’t you already see them when you woke up?”

“Yeah,” Jens mumbles. 

“So what’s the obsession?”

“I’m not obsessed. Just, trying to see who I know.”

Moyo snorts again. “If you know anyone other than Lucas in those dark, blurry ass shots, I think that’s a little bit obsessed. I know he’s your new favourite toy but surely you can survive without him for one day.”

Jens feels angry, suddenly. He isn’t sure if he’s right to be, knows that Moyo probably doesn’t mean anything by it, but he’s already upset and so incredibly tired. It leaves him wrinkling his nose in distaste and sitting up and away. “Why do you always have to make it out like everything is so gross? You know there’s a way to make a point without fucking making fun all the time?” 

It feels surprisingly good to get it out, and where he expects regret to claw through his chest, a small stream of relief flows through him instead. 

However, it leaves Moyo’s brows shooting towards his hairline. “Sorry, man. What has you so pissy?”

He sits up next to Jens, bumping his elbow gently, and now he begins to feel a little bad. Still, the upset hasn’t quite run out. “Why do you think it’s so wrong for me to care about Lucas?”

“What?” Moyo frowns. “I never said that. Lucas is cool, I’m glad we’re all friends with him.”

“He’s not my friend.”

The words slip out before Jens can stop them, and then there’s no taking them back. 

Moyo’s frown melts away in his confusion as his brow furrows again. Then he lets out a small, somewhat nervous laugh. “What, are you that pissed you didn’t get to join the party?”

“I am,” Jens agrees easily, then has to pause, has to center himself. He thinks of Robbe yesterday, so happy and understanding, and of Lucas just before he left, so happy and excited, and of Moyo a year ago, laughing at the idea of anyone being bi, nose wrinkled at how ‘gross’ it appeared to him. 

Then he thinks of how that was a year ago. 

Then he says, “I am pissed, because my boyfriend didn’t even tell me it was his birthday and I don’t know why and because it doesn’t surprise me that the first thing you did is make fun of it.”

Moyo’s lips part, and he simply stares at him as they fall into silence. Jens looks back, trying not to let himself falter, trying not to let his fissures show or crack any further. It’s difficult, more so than he thought it would be, and he puts it down to the tumultuous feelings already raging through him after the surprises this morning. It also feels somewhat more terrifying to be voicing it in this room, under this roof. Perhaps this is where it should feel easiest, that it should be a safe place, but he finds his eyes flickering towards the door instead, making sure it’s shut tight. It’s not like it had been, wrapped up in Lucas’s warmth in their own little universe or under Robbe’s gentle gaze in a familiar setting. It’s nerve-wracking and nauseating, to listen for footsteps and watch Moyo look away from him. 

Jens is inches away from pulling his hair out when Moyo finally turns back, appearing cautious as he licks his lips. “So you’re...you’re bi, or something?”

Jens’s heart clamours as he nods. 

“And you’re with Lucas?”

“Just for about two weeks,” Jens says quietly. 

Moyo’s brows raise, but he nods, once again licking his lips and averting his gaze. He focuses on a spot on the duvet as he speaks again. “Like...you’re into him? Like you would want to have sex with him, and everything?”

The little flicker of irritation returns. “Yeah, man, maybe, and I don’t need you telling me how it disgusts you or whatever, okay? Just—“

“I don’t think I ever want to have sex. With anyone.”

Jens snaps his mouth shut as his friend meets his gaze, surprised to have been interrupted. 

He certainly hadn’t expected to be interrupted with _that_. 

“What?”

Moyo makes himself small, hunching his shoulders slightly, but he keeps his gaze on Jens. It’s oddly full of nerves, alive with apprehension, overcast with doubt. Below it all, there’s a small hint of relief. Jens suddenly understands what’s happening. 

“You don’t like sex?” he carefully pushes. 

Moyo curls in on himself further, shrugging without opening his shoulders back up. “I’ve never had an actual experience to base it on, but the idea of it doesn’t actually appeal to me, no.”

All of this is admitted quietly, almost tersely as Moyo picks a thread loose in the sheet. Jens lets him, watchful and thoughtful, wondering where it is he’s supposed to take it from here. He hadn’t been prepared to come out to anyone today, but he hadn’t even considered the possibility that someone else would come out to _him_. 

He has to admit, however, that he’s a little confused. 

“But you talk about it all the time. About getting with girls, about what you’d do, and all your shitty dirty jokes?”

“That’s what we all talk about,” Moyo points out. “Aaron was whining over getting laid for months before Amber and it’s not like you’ve ever been shy about it. It’s what we’re supposed to talk about. Even Robbe isn’t as shy about it now. Like shit man, what else am I supposed to say?”

Jens eases up, letting his expression soften as he shifts slightly towards him, setting his phone aside entirely. “The truth,” he says gently. “Anything other than digging yourself into a deeper hole.”

“Yeah, because I wouldn’t have been the butt of the joke, the prude, if I just said I didn’t want to join in right?” Moyo scoffs, shaking his head as he turns to lean back against the headboard. “Don’t give me that.”

“Moyo,” Jens tries, but the words aren’t there. He knows, no matter how much it disappoints him, that his friend is right. They would have joked, and Jens would have been the main instigator. 

He realises, with a sort of derisive amusement, that he’s as much the reason Moyo hadn’t come out to them as Moyo is the reason Jens hadn’t come out himself. 

“I didn’t even realise what was wrong with me, why I revolted against it even while making dumb jokes or random passes. I thought it was just like, frustration, or jealousy even, that I didn’t actually have the experience. I knew that talking about it, wanting it, was the normal thing, the guy thing.”

Jens’s heart twists, and he’s instantly shaking his head back. “Bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Moyo snorts, shaking his head. He still won’t look at Jens. “Isn’t there? Fuck, I didn’t even understand it until Noor came onto me and I had to literally shove her away.”

This is another new surprising piece of information. 

“Noor? Seriously?”

Moyo closes his eyes, nods his head, doesn’t say anything else. Jens remains quiet, as well, absorbing the information and giving Moyo room to think. It’s a dead sort of silence, not comfortable or awkward, but heavy. It’s only when Jens realises that Moyo isn’t going to offer anything else that he pushes a little further. 

“When was that? I mean, the thing with Noor?”

Moyo shakes his head slightly, shrugging again. “Like two months ago maybe?”

“ _Two months?_ ”

“I know.” Moyo purses his lips, picking at his nails as he stares down at his lap. 

Jens thinks. “You’re not...forcing yourself to do anything, are you?”

Moyo finally looks at him, head whipping around as his brows knit together. “What? No. It’s not like that. Since then, she’s been helping me figure my shit out. Because I...I don’t know, I went into like this panic mood. It wasn’t even about kissing or sex it was like I realised I wasn’t attracted to her at all. Not physically. Like I know that Noor is beautiful, but it’s like I didn’t care. My mind could understand it and my body just didn’t feel it. And then I started to think about it and I’ve never actually been attracted to _anyone_. Not just Noor, just in general. Girls or guys. It confused the hell out of me, because I thought I did like her but I just...don’t think I can like anyone like that. Sexually.”

“Okay,” Jens nods slowly. “I’m still just not really understanding all your talk about something you have no interest in.”

“I’ve already told you. That’s what’s expected, y’know? That’s how you be a man.”

“Where is that shit coming from? Because I know it’s not your parents, and I hope it isn’t us.”

“No, not my parents, but what about the rest of my family? My uncles and even some of my cousins, I don’t know, it’s like fucking ingrained in them. I’ve ingrained it in myself. Even with you and Robbe, it’s different. They’d see it as like this minor error, but at least everything still works the same. With me it’s like...I don’t work, like this thing just isn’t there at all and—“

“Hey, hey, Moyo, woah,” Jens cuts him off, laying a placating hand on his friend’s shoulder. He waits for Moyo to steady himself, taking a deep breath with a clenched jaw, and then he gives a light tug to his shoulder. He has to do it again before Moyo actually gives in and looks at him, and then Jens keeps his expression serious. “Everything about you works whether you have sex with someone or not. Look at it like this. Your dick could be chopped right off, never able to use it, and you’d still be Moyo.”

He makes a cutting motion with his hand and then a sweep to the side as he makes a ‘phew’ noise through his teeth. It has the intended effect of making Moyo crack a smile even as he cringes, slapping Jens’s hand down with a shiver. 

“And you said I make everything fucking gross, man. Jesus.”

Jens cracks, too, letting a small laugh escape as Moyo’s smile widens and his shoulders relax just so. “But it feels better, right?”

Moyo shrugs again, drawn-out and ashamed. “Still abnormal either way.”

“You’re not. You’re just asexual, I think.”

Moyo’s brows instantly shoot upwards. “You know what that is?”

Jens blinks at him. “Do you?”

“Dude, it’s been the only word in my head for weeks. Why do you know about it?”

“I kind of researched into everything when…”

He trails off, letting Moyo pick up on the implication himself, watches him purse his lips and give another nod. “Have you told anyone else?”

“Robbe, and only yesterday,” Jens admits. “You? Apart from Noor?”

Moyo purses his lips, shakes his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t react better to you actually...I mean, Jens, you know I have no problem with it right? What I said last year, it was really stupid. That’s not how I think anymore. Or at least, I’m trying not to think like that.”

“It’s okay,” Jens says softly. “I think I definitely understand a little better now. I’m sorry I haven’t made it easy for you to tell me, either.”

“We can circle back to me, okay? Right now we’re gonna talk about Lucas. You really didn’t know a thing about his birthday?”

Jens kind of wishes they could continue talking about Moyo, because in the last few minutes, he’d forgotten all about his own predicament. Now he’s forced to face it with a groan as he drags a hand over his face. “No. And I was telling myself it wasn’t that weird, because maybe it just hadn’t come up or he didn’t like celebrating or something, but now that you’re asking I feel like it’s weird.”

“Well maybe it is that. It looked kind of like a surprise party,” Moyo offers. “Maybe he just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Not with a new relationship.”

Jens isn’t quite sure why he flushes at that, but it makes Moyo’s lips tick slightly upwards. “Yeah,” he blows out a sigh, “but he also hasn’t messaged me. Like things were good yesterday before he left, and he fell asleep on the phone to me last night, and then like an hour later,” Jens makes a vague gesture, only waving his hand back and forth, but Moyo nods with a grimace. 

“Maybe he’s stuck in bed. Hungover.”

“Maybe. It just freaks me out, ‘cause I know this is what he does when he’s pissed, or when something’s wrong. Gives me this radio silence. And I can’t go see him at his flat when he isn’t there.”

Moyo hums, then simply says, “Fuck. I’m kinda glad I’m not in this relationship game.”

Jens snorts, rubbing his hand over his face again as Moyo locks an arm around his shoulders and gives him a brief squeeze. “I thought Luc was going to be easier. These past few weeks have been, but,” he breaks off on a sigh, slumping back against his pillows as Moyo slips his arm out from behind him. 

“You know what I think?” Moyo says. He waits for Jens to look at him before producing an unopened bag of weed. “I think you need some of your chill back.”

Jens only hesitates for a second before grinning and snatching the bag out of his hand. 

**_Sunday, 10:16_**

**Songs: _Aquilo - Just Asking; Lizzo - Boys_**

Lucas stares at the ceiling above his head as he picks absentmindedly at the bandage on his hand. His head is fuzzy, light with lack of sleep and an abundance of thoughts firing back and forth. He isn’t sure when he woke up, or how long it’s been since he actually went to sleep, or if he actually slept at all. He feels a little like he’s underwater. His head is packed full and his chest is tight, and yet his body feels distant. Then he’ll press his thumb a little too hard into the palm of his hand and the sharp throb draws him back for a moment. 

He should get up. He needs to use the bathroom anyway. He doesn’t want to move. 

He tosses the covers off of himself and slips out of the bed, moving away entirely in one abrupt motion, because lingering only makes it impossible. Instead he doesn’t let himself pause, moves straight to the door and up the hall to the bathroom. 

It’s unnecessary for him to watch his step, because he’d brushed the sprinkles of glass away with meticulous care, and still he treads lightly. The rest of his movements are mechanical, completely automatic, as he goes from the toilet to the sink and finds himself staring into the mirror. 

It’s only a faint image with the mist covering the glass, and still it stands out too sharply. After a few seconds he’s forced to glance away, down to where his hands have come to grip the sink without him realising. His knuckles have gone as white as the porcelain. He eases up his hold, simply using his hands to steady himself now, before reaching one up to prod at the still-sore spot on the back of his head. He winces at the touch, at the feel of a slight bump, at the rush of dizziness that comes with the memory. He drops his hand back down and then picks at the bandage, tugging at the top edge, running the pad of his finger over one strip, smoothing down the tape with his thumb. He can hear his own breath. He picks up his toothbrush and goes through the motions. 

His feet drag on the return to his room, socks gliding easily over glossy wood, door shutting behind him with a soft click. He fixes the covers of his bed, adjusting his pillows, neatening it up so they’re even to his eyes. He collects clean boxers, clean socks, clean sweats, and changes into them, discarding his previous clothes on the floor. He moves to his deodorant, the spray can sat atop his drawers. Then he moves to his wardrobe and looks for a sweater, digging through to the back until he finds a red one and tugging it over his head. 

He halts before putting his arms through the sleeves, eyeing the laundry still lying on his floor. His lips pinch for just an instant before he drags the sweater back off and discards it on his bed. He lifts the clothes from the floor and tosses them into his laundry basket, next to the door of his wardrobe, and then he collects his sweater and pulls it on. 

There’s a clatter from below, and he pauses in his turn towards the door, doubling back and sitting on the edge of his bed with a sigh instead. He rakes his undamaged hand through his hair and listens to cupboards opening and closing. Then he reaches for his phone on the nightstand. 

He’s careful this time of all its jagged edges, picking it up the sides, laying it in palm as he stares at the shattered black screen. He presses in the power button and holds, just to see, and it offers him a flicker of a green line before cutting out again. He blows out a breath through his nose as he sets it aside, then picks himself up and heads downstairs. 

A faint smell of burnt toast hits him as he makes it to the bottom hallway, and he follows the scent and the sizzling to the kitchen, where his mother is stood frying eggs at the stove. 

She smiles over her shoulder at him as he stands in the doorway, letting his gaze drift to the bread on the plate next to her, almost blackened. “Morning, darling. Did you sleep well?”

Lucas hums, because then he isn’t really lying, and makes his way over to her, eyeing the pan she’s working from. “Did you?”

“Yes, of course. It’s so nice to have you in the house again, Lucas.”

He offers her a smile, then picks up a corner of the toast. It’s still burning, only recently popped, still unbuttered, and Lucas holds the edge between his fingertips for a few seconds anyway, taking little notice. His mother reaches out and squeezes his other wrist, and he withdraws his hand, turning to see her examining his bandage with a pinched expression. 

“It doesn’t really hurt. Think I could probably even take the bandage off.”

She had wrapped it for him, a while after the incident, in the too-bright light of the bathroom in the middle of the night. She’d checked his head, too, running her fingers over it tenderly, pressing her lips into a thin line. Then she’d kissed the top of his head and gotten him a glass of water before cautiously sending him to bed. She’d been his mother. 

She had woken him up yesterday with a birthday cake. They’d spent the morning together, having breakfast, watching TV, and she’d given him a birthday present. New art supplies and a few CDs and extra money along with it to get himself whatever he wants. 

He hadn’t wanted to go out, which Kes and Jayden had seemed fairly disappointed about. They had shown up in the early afternoon, worried after trying to contact him and getting no response and extra worried after spotting the bandage. They hadn’t gone out as planned, but they had spent the day together. They watched all his favourite movies from his bed with Lucas wedged in the middle and snacks and a few beers spread around them. 

It wasn’t really how he’d imagined celebrating his eighteenth, but then again, he hadn’t really thought about it in the first place. 

“No, no, you’re best just leaving it on for a little while. Maybe we’ll change it though, give it a clean again.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Her smile has gone tight. She slips her arm around Lucas and gives him a quick squeeze, then says, “I’m going to have to leave you for breakfast, your aunt gave me a call a while ago, but I’ll not be gone long.”

“Take as long as you need, it’s fine.”

She flaps a hand dismissively. “Oh, you know how she is, it’s nothing of importance, just a chat. I’ll be here for a while before you leave.”

Lucas simply hums again, throat dry. He curls his arms around himself as she continues to prod at the pan. “I can finish that myself if you want to go ahead. That way you might be back sooner.”

She glances over at him, curious, hesitant. He manages another smile, and she relents. “Alright. I won’t be gone too long.”

“Okay,” he repeats. 

She squeezes his arm once more and presses a kiss to his cheek, and then she hesitates. “Do you want me to change your bandage first?”

“I can do it.”

She worries her bottom lip between her teeth, but nods at him, passing her hand gently over his back as she moves away. “Alright. Just remember to clean it properly too, okay?”

“Yep.”

He picks up the spatula she had been using and twirls it around in his hand as her footsteps recede into the hall and he hears the rustling of her coat. He prods at the egg, somewhat cautiously, until the front door opens and shuts. 

A moment of silence settles before he turns off the cooker and lifts the pan away, towards the bin, where he scoops the egg out and lets it drop in. He sets the pan in the sink and then repeats the movements with the plate of toast, watching the two slices slide from the plate and listening for the quiet thump. He pulls an empty biscuit packet over the evidence before moving to rinse his hands. 

He makes his way to the sitting room in a half daze and curls into the corner of the sofa. He glances at the TV remote and then away, twisting sideways on the cushions instead as he pulls his legs up. He lies tilted against the back rest, eyes closed. His head gives a dull throb, just a pump of his pulse, and then settles. He curls his arms around himself again and opens his eyes, staring at the wall across from him, picking out the fraying edges of the tacky banner, a part of the house for longer than him. He lets his eyes drift upwards, to the scattered family photos. There’s one of him on his own, smile wide and cheeks chubby, only a few years old. There’s another of him and Kes in their younger days, covered in dirt but with their faces screwed up in laughter, overjoyed with their arms locked awkwardly around each other’s shoulders. 

Another is an actual family photo, taken about three years ago, when there was still something connecting the three of them. 

The Lucas in the photo smiles back at him, bright and uncaring, unaware and sincere. He can’t remember the feeling from that photo. He has no idea how to smile like that. 

He drags his gaze away, and a few seconds later the doorbell rings. 

His muscles lock up, unwilling, making him shrink into a tighter ball, and then there’s a loud knock and Kes’s faint call. Lucas closes his eyes, blows out a breath, and hauls himself up. Upon glancing at the clock in the hallway, he realises those few seconds had been almost ten minutes. He swallows before taking another steadying breath and opening the door. 

Jayden quickly drops his hand from where it had been raised to knock again and offers Lucas a bright smile. It takes a little effort for him to return it as Kes lights up with an easy, “Hey, man.”

“Hey,” Lucas returns, stepping back to allow them in and clearing his throat. They wander straight ahead to the sitting room, so Lucas shuts the door and follows, tugging his sleeve down over the spot where his bandage ends at his wrist. 

Neither of them have taken his spot on the couch, and he feels irrationally grateful as he sinks into it again. He still draws his feet up, only this time keeping them in front, one knee raised with the foot firmly on the cushion and his other leg crooked to the side with that foot hooked underneath. Kes is settled on the opposite end, twisted toward him with one leg on the couch while Jayden sits in the arm chair next to him. 

“We thought we’d come see you before you go back,” Kes says simply. “Ask if you wanna go to the skatepark for a bit, or maybe the cafe.”

Lucas nods, not accepting or denying either offer. He picks at where the end of his bandage has begun to come loose. “I’m not going back anyways.”

Kes and Jayden share a look before turning back to stare at him. “What do you mean?” Kes questions. 

“I’m staying here with her.”

Silence. 

Jayden leans forward and braces his arms on his knees, considering Lucas carefully. “Not that we wouldn’t love that, but how would that even work? With school and everything, I mean?”

“I called up yesterday on Mom’s phone. They said it could be temporarily organised to have my work done online.”

“And after that?”

“I’ll be enrolled here again. I just needed to organise something for now.”

Kes purses his lips. “You’ve already made your mind up.”

Lucas shrugs. 

“Your dad will never allow it,” Kes points out. 

“Unless he’s going to come back here and drag me away himself, I can’t see how he’s going to stop me.”

Jayden’s brows raise, but Kes just keeps watching him intently. Lucas continues to pick at his hand and ignores it until Kes decides to actually speak again. “So you’re just going to not go home and give him a heart attack or something?”

“I am home. And I was going to ask if I could use your phone to call him.”

Kes looks at him for another moment, and this time Lucas gazes steadily back, not letting himself waver. He has already made his mind up. There was never any choice in the matter to begin with. 

Kes says, “Okay. If that’s what you want.”

Lucas nods, already leaning forward to collect the device, and then Jayden is hesitantly asking, “But are you okay, Luc?”

Lucas blinks over at him, frozen mid-motion, before portraying an equally frozen smile. “Yeah. Honestly, guys, it’s just impossible to leave now that I’m here. Mom even made breakfast this morning. But it’s not even just making things easier for her, this is just where I’m supposed to be. At home, with you guys, with no fucked-up accents and way better weed.”

That finally draws a small laugh out of them, and Kes finally passes him his phone, but says, “You should text one of your new friends too, just so they don’t think you’ve died or something when you don’t show up at school. Jens or Sander or whoever.”

The dryness extends right to Lucas’s mouth this time, and he’s left fruitlessly licking his lips. “I don’t know their numbers off.”

“So just log into your Instagram or something. Do whatever you have to now.”

Lucas swallows and then nods again, taking the phone and slipping off the couch and back out to the hallway, then up to the kitchen. 

His hands have gone trembly now, shivery, as he types in his father’s number from memory and raises the phone to his ear. He chews on his lip as he waits, rubbing the end of his sleeve between thumb and forefinger, impatiently listening to the dial tone. 

It rings right through to voicemail, and Lucas lets out a sigh before quickly deciding this might be the best outcome. He thinks of what to say as he listens to his father’s voice and waits for the tone, and then he simply starts talking. 

“Hey, Dad, it’s Luc. I have to call you from Kes’s phone because I dropped mine the other night. Sorry if you’ve been trying to contact me. I know you’re going to be mad but...I’m not coming back today. I get that you don’t understand it but I can see that Mama needs me here and I—this is just where I’m supposed to be. I already organised doing online classes for a while, so you can’t use that argument. Please don’t argue. At least just, try to think about it before you decide you’re going to kill me. I’m sorry I keep making things difficult. Uhm, I’m gonna try to get my phone fixed probably, but if you call Kes back I’ll answer if I’m around. He probably won’t. I’m not doing this to spite you, I swear. I really am sorry. Okay, uhm, that’s it. Bye.”

It takes him a little too long to actually hang up, thumb wobbling over the screen, and then he finally manages to return to the homesceeen and rubs his free hand over his forehead. He opens Instagram and simply stares at it for a moment, taking a few more breaths, still rubbing his fingers over his skin. He logs out of Kes’s account and slowly types in his own details, then again after typing the password in wrong. It finally loads and immediately begins pinging with notifications, and Lucas swallows as he sees the top post, already a day old, of Jens and Moyo. He draws in a slow breath as he moves to his messages, ignoring all the belated birthday wishes and questions and opening Jens’s chat before he can change his mind. 

There are a dozen messages here, asking why Lucas wasn’t responding to his texts, why he didn’t tell him about his birthday, if he was okay, if they were okay, if he’d done something wrong, if he was going to have to come to Utrecht to check on him. 

Lucas’s throat closes up. His chest tightens and his eyes prick and he has to take another breath, has to quickly glance around to make sure Kes and Jayden haven’t followed him out. He’s tempted to call Jens, is filled with the sudden aching desire to at least hear him. He’s filled with the urgent need to return to him. It flames up in his chest and he quickly stamps it down, though it leaves a burning itch spreading over his skin. 

He has been doing his best since coming home on Friday night to avoid thinking about Jens at all. It was obvious to him immediately that he’d been wrong to ever leave, that he was needed here, that he’d never forgive himself for being the one to go and know his mother was left behind. He couldn’t imagine getting back on that train. 

Even though he’s beginning to miss his life there more than he ever missed it here. 

He feels Jens’s absence the most, like a black hole sucking the rest of his emotions out of him, only leaving room for the dull ache. He feels worse seeing Jens worry about him, after spending the weekend shoving the boy to the back of his mind, convincing himself that it would be better for Jens too for Lucas to be gone. Surely Lucas could be forgotten easily enough, quickly enough. 

He knows he would never be able to simply forget Jens. 

But there is no alternative. It isn’t Lucas’s choice, not really. Jens will understand that eventually. Maybe forgive Lucas one day. Maybe someday, if he’s able to go back to him. 

He types out the message before he can change his mind. 

**I’m sorry, Jens. I broke my phone on Friday night. Kes is letting me use his to message you. I know it’s horrible, and you’re going to hate me, but I can’t come back. Not right now. Not when my mom needs me. I’m sorry, but I need to be here now. I hope you’ll understand, and that maybe by the time I see you again you’ll have forgiven me. You’re still the only thing I’m sure of.**

He hits send and doesn’t linger, blinking hard at seeing the post again before he manages to log out. He clenches the phone tightly in his grip and drops his hand to his side, leaning his opposite shoulder heavily against the wall. His breath hitches in his throat, and he swallows it down, rubbing a hand harshly over his eyes. 

He remains there for a moment, taking another few breaths, and just manages to straighten himself when Kes pokes his head in the door. He wears an expression of thinly veiled concern that doesn’t ease when Lucas smiles at him. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Lucas walks closer and holds the phone out to him. “Done. Thanks.”

“You can hold onto it a little longer if you want?”

“No, it’s fine. I managed to just leave Dad a voicemail, so you can take it away before he manages to call back.”

“Ah, okay,” Kes nods, leading him back to the sitting room, where Jayden is still sitting patiently. “Are you really sure about this?”

Lucas nods as he retakes his seat. “Yeah, this is best. Do you not want me back, or something?”

“We’ve missed you like hell,” Jayden says, “but we’re just making sure you’re doing what’s right for you.”

“Okay, so now we’re all sure.”

Kes shifts over next to him and bumps his shoulder, and Lucas is for once glad that this is the extent of the contact. “How is Mama Tess anyway? Better than the other night?”

Lucas doesn’t really want to talk about it, because he doesn’t really know the answer. If he was inclined to guess, he’d probably say no. “Yeah, she’s gone out this morning, and she doesn’t even know I’m staying, so I think that’s a good sign.”

Jayden raises a brow. “She doesn’t know?”

“No. I expected a difficult conversation with Dad first, but now I don’t care. I’m gonna tell her as soon as she gets back, obviously.”

“Fuck that,” Kes suddenly stands. “If she’s out, you have no excuse to stay in. We’re getting those drinks we missed out on last night.”

Even Jayden stares at him. “Kes,” he says slowly. “It’s like, eleven. You know, in the morning.”

Kes rolls his eyes. “So we’re gonna go to a cafe for lunch, get Lucas a nice dessert, do whatever after that for a few hours, then do the drinks this evening.”

“With school tomorrow?” Lucas raises his brows. 

“You don’t have anything to complain about, and Jade and I can skip.” Kes slaps Jayden’s shoulder, and Jayden perks up in agreement, leaning forward in the chair and eyeing Lucas hopefully. 

Lucas looks at them both for a minute, then blows out a sigh. “I expect a really fucking good dessert.”

Kes and Jayden cheer as he stands up, but Kes puts a hand on his shoulder and pulls him back as he makes to walk out to hall. “I hope you’re going to change.”

Lucas glances down at himself and feels mildly offended. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

Kes simply purses his lips, then wraps an arm around his shoulders and begins dragging him to his room. He nudges Lucas up the stairs in front of him as Jayden traipses along behind. 

Lucas drops onto his bed as Kes begins riffling through his wardrobe, feeling oddly detached. There’s still a twist and tug in his gut, a relentless desire, and even that is distant. Muted. The world around him feels a little out of touch—like a dreamscape. He doesn’t notice Kes has picked out an entire handful of his shirts until he’s flapping them in front of his face. 

“What the fuck? Why do I need to wear a shirt to get cake?”

“Because it’s still technically for your birthday, and people dress up on their birthdays.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“It’s not like I have anyone to dress up for.”

He does, or he would have, or he could’ve had, if he wasn’t such a mess, but they don’t know that, and there isn’t really any point in telling them anymore. 

Kes rolls his eyes. “You’re dressing up for you. Don’t worry, I know you’re a strong independent dude who don’t need no woman.”

Jayden snaps his fingers with perfect timing, and Lucas can’t help letting out a small snort. 

“Are you guys dressing up with me?”

“Luc,” Jayden says gently, “neither of us are fitting into your tight ass clothes.”

“So? We can stop by your houses and you can get your own. I’m not wearing a shirt for you two to sit next to me in hoodies.”

“No one will notice with the coats anyway,” Kes flaps a hand.

“You’re disputing your own point.”

Kes shoves the bundle of shirts into his hands with an exaggerated groan and a fond role of his eyes. “Fine. Jade, do you even own a shirt?”

“Yes, I own fucking shirts,” Jayden smacks the back of his head. 

“Okay then, sorted.” Kes raises his brows, turning to Lucas hopefully and gesturing to the pile in his arms. “Well?”

“Which one am I wearing?”

“Don’t know until you try them on.”

“You should probably actually keep the nicest one until the evening,” Jayden points out. “What do you think?”

Kes nods eagerly, waving at Lucas again, this time in a ‘go on’ gesture. 

“We can come back here after the cafe so I can talk to Mom?”

“Yeah, of course,” Kes reassures as Jayden simply nods. “We’ll leave her a note now just in case she’s back before us.”

Lucas doesn’t really want to go. He doesn’t really want to do anything. He considers his friends for another moment and lets out a long sigh. “Okay.”

Kes and Jayden give another cheer and start ordering Lucas into the shirts. 

**_Sunday, 18:56_ **

**Moyo:** _man, are you sure you’re okay? do you want me to come over?_

**Jens:** _it’s fine_

**Moyo:** _you really don’t seem like you’re fine_

**Jens:** _I talked to Robbe for hours already. it doesn’t help. just leave it_

**Moyo:** _Jens, I’m not just gonna ignore it_

_fuck he’s an ass for doing this_

**Jens:** _it doesn’t help being mad at him either_

_I just want to be alone, okay?_

**_Monday, 08:07_ **

**Song: _Nathan Boaz - Waters_**

Jens drags his feet along the concrete, too heavy, too slow, as if he’s trudging through mud. He only needs to make it to the entrance, and then he can sit down for a while with the boys. But he doesn’t want to see the boys, and he doesn’t want to enter. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to do anything. 

He wants Lucas. 

He wants to stop thinking about him. 

There’s a weight in his chest, a thick discomfort, an aching absence. It’s an effort to breathe through it, and he isn’t quite managing. The frigid air nipping at his cheeks and numbing his nose only makes it more difficult. Each breath dispels a tiny visible plume of air, and leave Jens paying more attention to them than he’d like. They come rapid and short, and his vision narrows down to them entirely, whiting out the rest of his surroundings until he has to focus on the rush of blood in his ears and the sound of his own breathing. 

It makes his head feel heavy and light all at once, weighted but dizzy, disoriented, reeling, and all his thoughts and worries fade to the background to make way for the urgent, desperate order to _breathe_. 

He stumbles when he’s bumped into from behind, and his breath hitches, and he realises he has stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. He moves aside so he can press himself up against the wall, leaning heavily against the support, shoulder pressed uncomfortably to the bars above it. 

This isn’t the time or the place to collapse, which Jens is beginning to feel sure he’ll do in a few minutes. He sucks in another breath, tries to keep a hold on it, but it escapes him in the same quick hitch, another rushing to follow, none of the air actually getting to his lungs. His hands curl and stretch at his sides, unsure of which to settle on, before he eventually clenches them into fists, nails biting into his palms. It’s too much, or not enough, and he has to quickly release the hold as the anxiety simmering in him takes a sudden spike. 

He closes his eyes, trying to at least regain control over his thoughts, trying to focus on something, and then Lucas is looking at him in concern, moving gentle hands to cup his cheeks, guiding him to breathe with him. Jens lets out a long breath automatically, yearning towards the ghostly touch, heart thumping at the image of Lucas’s soft smile. 

He jumps when an unexpected touch breaks through the daydream, fingers curling into his sleeve as a familiar voice greets him with a hesitant, “Jens?”

Jens flicks his eyes open to see Robbe actually standing in front of him, brown eyes instead of blue gazing up at him in concern. Jens is just grateful to note that his breathing has somewhat evened out, revealing itself in longer puffs. “Hey, sorry.”

“You okay?” Robbe asks, seeming to already know he isn’t, frown thick as he squeezes Jens’s wrist. 

“Yeah.” Jens clears his throat, sniffs. “Not really.”

Robbe’s brow furrows, lips pursing in understanding. He glances through the gate and then back at Jens. “Are you okay to go in or do you want to ditch?”

“This close to exams?” Jens sighs, shakes his head. “No, I can’t miss any classes.” He doesn’t need any reasons to piss his father off, at the moment. He doesn’t think he has the strength to deal with the possible repercussions in this state. 

Robbe considers him for another second before nodding, then wrapping an arm around his waist in a short hug. Jens drapes an arm around his shoulders, grateful, and hugs him to his chest as he finally manages a normal breath. He relaxes as Robbe pulls away and tugs the back of his coat, drawing him along. 

Jens walks next to him, half a step behind. His heartbeat picks up just slightly as they make it through the gate, then across the courtyard, towards where Moyo and Aaron are already seated at one of the benches. They look up at Jens and Robbe’s approach, Aaron’s expression unchanging but Moyo’s gaze flickering curiously over Jens. 

Robbe greets them casually, easily, and Jens simply leans against the wall again, barely able to remain on his own two feet. He’d been on the phone with Robbe well into the evening, talking about Lucas, _panicking_ about Lucas, asking what the hell any of it meant and what he was supposed to do about it. He’d expected Robbe’s experiences to leave him with some advice to give, but he’d been just as lost as Jens, frowning sympathetically through the screen. Jens had spent hours afterwards staring into the dark, unable to sleep, reading Lucas’s message over and over and wondering how he had gotten it so wrong. 

“Jens.”

He snaps out of it to find Moyo waving a hand at him, wearing a small frown. He had also witnessed part of Jens’s meltdown, though only through texts. “You with us?”

Jens nods, murmurs a small greeting and an apology, and hopes that’ll be it. That he’ll get away with nothing more than this basic encounter. 

Then Aaron is turning to him and asking, “Is Lucas late?”

He seizes up as Moyo and Robbe both glance at him before silently agreeing to take over. “Lucas is still in Utrecht,” Robbe says simply. 

“What? Why? Did something happen?”

Moyo and Robbe glance at each other, then at Jens again. Jens barely computes it. He can hardly bring himself to pay attention. His eyes are focused on the gate, unseeing, as if he expects Lucas to simply walk through. As if the message, the whole weekend, has just been some weird, fucked up nightmare. 

“Okay, why does everyone else know and not me? What’s all the looks about?” Aaron questions, looking between the three of them for answers. 

Jens finally manages to look at him and say, “He’s staying with his mom. He doesn’t want to come back.”

“What?” Aaron sits up to look at him better around Moyo, face twisted in confusion and surprise. “As in, ever?”

“He didn’t say that,” Robbe says quietly, comfortingly, and Jens can’t help a small scoff. “His mom just needs him right now.”

“I get that,” Moyo agrees, looking up at Jens seriously. “If I thought my mom needed me, I’d choose her over whatever the other option was. Even if it was a fucking hard decision. No one chooses one person they love over another lightly.”

“Well Lucas is always kinda mad at his dad right? So it’s not that surprising he would choose her, is it?” Aaron points out. 

The other boys stay quiet, Moyo and Robbe once again glancing at Jens, and Jens really wishes he had taken Robbe up on his offer to skip. He won’t be able to focus in class anyway; his head is pounding. Breathing is still tasking. The way Aaron’s gaze settles on him after flicking between them all feels suffocating. 

He looks at Moyo and Robbe hesitantly before asking, “Unless we’re not talking about his dad?”

Jens sucks in a breath, adjusts the strap of his bag over his shoulder, and simply says, “We’re a thing. Or, we were.”

“You _are_ ,” Moyo argues. “No one broke up with anyone.”

Jens jerks his shoulders in a shrug as Aaron asks, “So are you gay, too? Or I mean...bi, or pan or something?”

“Bi,” Jens says quietly, averting his gaze to the ground. “I think.”

Aaron, surprisingly, simply nods without pushing further. “So this...I mean, Lucas staying in Utrecht, that wasn’t planned?”

“I mean, it probably was, wasn’t it?” Jens shrugs again. “Lucas never wanted to be here. He always said his dad dragged him. His friends are there, his mom is there, he has everything there.”

“He doesn’t have you,” Robbe pointed out. “He wouldn’t have done that, Jens. We don’t know what happened.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Aaron furrows his brows. 

“He broke his phone,” Moyo answers. “Only sent Jens one text yesterday to say he wasn’t coming back.”

Aaron’s brows raise as he grimaces. “Fuck.” 

Jens doesn’t want to be here, but he definitely doesn’t want to be talking about this. He’s been trying not to think about it. Honestly, he’d forgotten about Aaron, and he’d forgotten that he wasn’t finished coming out. He isn’t dumb enough to think that just because it has gone well so far it always will. He already feels like he’s reaching his limit, with just the boys knowing. 

He comes to the realisation that Lucas hadn’t mentioned telling anyone. 

“Why did you all know this and not me?” Aaron asks, a slight complaint in his voice as well as a faint hurt. It works well at making Jens feel worse.

“I’ve only known since Saturday, and it’s just because I was at his,” Moyo shrugs, looking up at Jens. “I don’t think that was the actual plan to tell me.”

Jens purses his lips, shakes his head slightly. “I only planned to tell Robbe on Friday and then I didn’t really know what I was going to do. Now it doesn’t really feel like there’s any point in doing anything.”

“That’s silly,” Robbe argues, tone still soft. “You aren’t coming out just for Lucas. At least, I hope not.”

Jens swallows, taking another measured breath and offering another shrug, because Robbe has a point but it doesn’t make him feel any better. 

“Is Lucas gay then?” Aaron asks curiously. 

“Is Lucas what?”

Their heads all swivel around at the voice, gaze landing on Amber and Luca who have just come to join them, Amber having been the one to speak. She wears an astonished, yet excited smile, and it makes Jens’s stomach twist. 

“Do you spy on every conversation we have now or something?” Moyo says, a little too sharp, leaving Amber’s expression falling and Aaron elbowing his side. 

“Woah, you’re the ones talking about it in the middle of the courtyard,” Luca points out. “Anyone could overhear, not just us. Why are you talking about Lucas when he isn’t here? What’d you do?”

Moyo rolls his eyes. “We didn’t do anything. Maybe you should consider that your new bestie is at fault before blaming us.”

“Moyo,” Robbe reprimands softly, then turns to Amber and Luca. “Lucas went back to Utrecht.”

Luca’s brows shoot up as Amber’s furrow. “Like, moved back?” Luca asks. 

“I don’t think we actually know,” Aaron says. 

“So you decide now that he’s gone for a day to go around spreading rumors? Aren’t you guys past that?” Luca shoots a pointed, sideways look at Robbe, glaring down Moyo and Aaron in particular. 

“We weren’t trying to spread anything. No one was supposed to be listening,” Moyo bites back. “Besides, it’s the truth, isn’t it?”

He looks up at Jens, but Jens is suffocating. He doesn’t have the energy for this, isn’t ready for five sets of eyes to be trained on him during such a conversation. He wishes they would just stop talking about Lucas. He wishes he could stop thinking about Lucas. 

He manages a barely discernible nod and only then notices that Amber and Luca’s gazes have morphed into slow understanding as they watch him. “Are you okay, Jens?” Amber asks gently. 

Jens tries to shake it off. Clears his throat. “Fine.”

It’s only one word. His voice cracks in the middle. 

“Wait, is that why he’s gone? Did something happen with you two?” Luca questions. 

It’s almost accusing, and Jens gives a derisive laugh in response. “Lucas obviously doesn’t give a single fuck about me.”

“Jesus, why are you acting like Jens did something, do you not see that Lucas is the one who ghosted all of us?” Moyo demands, earning a defensive retort from Luca and leading into a round of bickering. 

“Robbe,” Jens whispers, urgently, pleadingly, reaching up to grip the back of his friend’s brown jacket tightly. 

Robbe instantly turns to look at him, all-knowing and sympathetic, and then he’s straightening his spine and speaking clearly over the others. “You can hash this out pointlessly between yourselves, but we’re actually not planning on being late to our first class. Okay?”

He looks from Luca to Moyo, who takes a split-second glance at Jens before instantly rising to his feet and hoisting his bag onto his shoulder. “Yeah, come on man, Beckers isn’t a morning person.”

He takes a hold of Jens’s arm and pulls him away from the group with a quick goodbye, Robbe following close behind. 

**_Tuesday, 16:46_ **

**Song: _Lana Del Rey - Video Games_**

“What do you want for dinner?”

Lucas’s mother drops onto the couch beside him, raising her brows in question, reaching a hand out to brush through his hair. Lucas relaxes into the touch, sinking towards her, tempted now to simply close the laptop and put it aside. His mother had stolen it from her sister for him, after he explained how he would do online classes and had forgotten his own computer. He could have otherwise borrowed one from Kes, but it’s simpler like this, with a much older, slower model and so many pages blocked that Lucas couldn’t torture himself by logging into Instagram even if he wanted to. Tess has even offered him her phone on countless occasions over the past two days, worrying over Lucas losing touch with his new friends so easily. Lucas has simply been assuring her that it isn’t a big deal, rather than trying to explain how it almost feels better this way. 

A clean cut is best. He would never be able to stay away if he was in contact with them every day. Not from Jens. 

“Anything. You don’t want me to cook?”

She raises a brow. “Do you want to cook?”

Lucas shrugs. 

“Is this a subtle dig at my cooking?”

Lucas widens his eyes, exaggerated, quickly shaking his head. “Of course not. I missed having my masterchef cook for me everyday.”

Tess scoffs lightly, but a smile makes its way onto her face. “Well, I’m glad you appreciate it.”

“I do,” Lucas says softly. “Always.”

Her smile grows, and he does set the laptop away before moving over to settle against her side, curling up with his head pillowed on her shoulder. He lets out a breath as she wraps her arm around him, closing his eyes as she cards a hand through his hair. Like this, he’s able to relax, to feel truly like he’s at home. It’s in these moments, where his heart feels settled and he can breathe easy that he feels like he has made the right decision, more than in the tough times. 

He has settled into it a little more now. Now that she has come around a little, and her smiles feel vibrant but not overly so, neither exaggerated or forced. She _is_ happier with him here, like Lucas knew she would be. She’s been herself the last few days, in the way Lucas hasn’t seen her be in months. There is no way she would have been better off on her own. 

“Do you want to contact any of your friends?” 

The words are spoken softly, hopefully, into his hair, and he shakes his head slightly. “No, it’s okay.”

“Darling, it’s not right. Surely they’re worried about you.”

“I’ve only been there a few weeks, Mama, it’s no big deal.”

“But you were so excited to tell me about them the night you came home. Sander and Robbe and Jens, right? I’m sure they must miss you.”

Lucas swallows, burrowing closer to her even while shying away from her words. They can’t possibly miss him as much as he misses them. He didn’t realise he would miss them this much, after knowing them for such little time, but the ache feels like it runs even deeper than when he’d left here. Maybe it’s because he has cut himself off completely, and he’s sure he has left hurt behind. 

Maybe it’s just because he’s been missing Jens since the second he stepped out of his arms, and the thought of never being able to return feels like it’s shredding him up. 

He has no right to feel any hurt over it, when he’s the one in the wrong. When he can’t imagine how he has left Jens. He wants nothing more than a chance to talk to him properly, than to explain himself, than to apologise and make sure the other boy is okay. Even that is selfish, and he knows. 

The reason he’s avoiding him is because he can’t quite deal with the possibility that Jens is more than okay—actually better off without him—and this, really, is the most selfish thing. 

It’s easier for _him_ to not listen to what Jens himself has to say. 

He can’t bear to think of the others. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to respond to Sander’s birthday wishes. 

“Lucas, if you insist on being here, don’t do this to yourself. Please,” his mother murmurs. 

“My best friends are already here. Why would I want to be anywhere else?”

She simply sighs in response, not pushing him further. She hadn’t been able to argue with him at the beginning, either, not with his case so well prepared. She’d even spoken to his father for him when he called, placating him and then arguing with him and then taking over, not letting him speak a word to Lucas the whole time. 

Lucas had hidden in his room with that exact hope. 

“I just want you to be happy,” she says softly. 

“Which is why I’m here.”

She doesn’t say anything else, just presses a kiss to the top of his head, and then the doorbell rings. Lucas moves to get it but Tess is quicker, standing and heading out into the hallway even as Lucas says, “It’s probably just Kes.”

He reaches over to shut the laptop off entirely, then leans back into the sofa as he waits, listening for voices and not finding any. His mother reappears in the doorway with a smile, and just a step behind her is Isa. 

Lucas sits up, smiling back at both of them even as his stomach kicks up with nerves. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Isa greets, cheerful as ever, and Lucas relaxes minutely. 

“I was just about to start making dinner if you want some, sweetheart,” Tess offers, laying a hand on Isa’s shoulder, smiling kindly. 

Isa hesitates, looking at Lucas, who only shrugs. It seems to be enough, and she turns back to his mother with a grateful grin. “That’d be really nice, Tess, thank you.”

The woman squeezes her arm and then leaves them, making her way to the kitchen as Isa wanders over to Lucas. He smiles as she sinks down onto the cushions next to him and gives him a hug in greeting, smiling all the while as she pulls her legs up underneath her. “Hey,” she repeats. 

“Hey,” Lucas laughs. “What are you doing here?”

Isa raises a brow. “Are you not happy to see me? I would have texted you first but I don’t think there would have been much point.”

Lucas concedes that she has a point. “I was just wondering if you were here for anything specific.”

“Just to see you,” she smiles. “You’re here again and still I’ve only gotten to see you once.” 

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. We have plenty of time again now right?”

Lucas simply smiles back at her, nodding slightly, hoping the sadness that overtakes him doesn’t show. He feels sick. He feels _homesick_. It shouldn’t be possible, doesn’t make any sense, and yet it’s overwhelming him. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He wants to curl up and hide away. He wants to get on a train. 

“How are things going? Better now again?” Isa asks, nodding towards the doorway. 

“I think so.” Lucas sighs. “I never really know for sure though. I mean I thought on Friday everything was great...but it was mostly my fault.”

Isa is instantly shaking her head and frowning at him. “I’m sure it wasn’t, Luc, how could it be?”

“No, I just mean...because she woke up and I wasn’t here. She thought that meant I had never come home. That she was imagining it. The idea that she was already in the middle of an episode was the issue.”

“Oh,” Isa says simply, sadly, too sympathetic as she reaches out for his bandaged hand and rubs her thumb over the knuckles. “Do you want to talk about any of it?”

Lucas quietly shakes his head. 

“Are you okay, though? You aren’t regretting your decision yet?”

“No. It’s good to be home.” 

His smile is becoming more and more forced, and this time he knows Isa can tell. 

“You don’t miss your dad at all? Your friends?”

“I’m with my friends here.”

Isa does smile at that, but more to indulge him than in any satisfaction. “But you made new friends, too. Won’t they be missing you? Sander and Robbe?” She hesitates for a second and then adds, “Jens?”

Lucas wishes they’d all stop asking him, stop pushing, stop saying that name. He wishes it didn’t affect him so much, but it does. It cracks his heart right open and leaves it bleeding. “I messaged him on Sunday, so they aren’t doing a search party. I doubt they’re missing me that much.”

He doesn’t even know if it’s a lie, but Isa at least doesn’t seem to believe him. “Bullshit, Luc. Do you want to talk to them?”

“No, it’s fine, really,” he starts, but she’s already pulling her phone out of her pocket and passing it to him. 

“Here, it’s no problem, just use it now.”

Lucas squeezes his hands together in his lap in silent refusal. He can’t. He won’t. He doesn’t know how to explain without explaining everything. 

“Luc,” Isa says softly. “This is more than what you’re telling us. You can’t tell me this is how you react to not wanting to talk to just a friend.”

Lucas’s throat dries up. He shouldn’t ask it. It never ends well for him. “What are you implying?”

Isa presses her lips together, taking up both of Lucas’s hands and watching him carefully. “It’s Jens, isn’t it? You aren’t just friends.”

Lucas isn’t sure quite what it is, this time. The usual anger doesn’t spark him in. 

Instead he crumples. 

His chest heaves and his eyes water and then his lips are trembling and he’s letting out something like a sob, a pathetically upset hiccuping sound that leaves his throat aching and Isa immediately drawing him into her arms. She shifts closer to him, pressing their legs together as she holds him tightly and Lucas buries his face in her shoulder, at once mortified and relieved. He does his best to keep himself muffled, quiet, mindful of his mother just up the hall, and lets himself be comforted by Isa’s warm embrace. She hugs him tightly by the shoulders, cradles the back of his head, and he clings on to her and wonders how he has ended up in so many of these situations. 

“Sorry,” he mutters, voice nothing more than a croak, and she shushes him gently and gives him a tighter squeeze. “How…how long?”

“A while,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry, Luc. I’ve been waiting and waiting for you to tell me, but I couldn’t keep quiet thinking you were struggling with this. Why have you done this to yourself?”

Lucas shakes his head silently, unsure of what she’s asking and unsure of the answer. He doesn’t know if she’s questioning why he never told them, or why he’s left Jens behind, or why he ever let himself get involved with the other boy in the first place. It likely isn’t the last one that Isa is asking, but Lucas has found himself questioning it over the last few days. 

“He’s probably going out of his mind, Luc. Why are you cutting him out?”

“Because,” Lucas rasps, pressing closer to her. “I know that I’ve fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it now. I don’t want him to have to tell me to get lost.”

“Are you serious? He wouldn’t.”

“It doesn’t matter, Ies. I’m not going back. I can’t be with him anyway.”

“He’s only an hour away. Lucas, fuck, why are you really even staying here? You _were_ happy there. I know it. Your mother is okay. You shouldn’t be sacrificing yourself like this.”

He sits up, harshly scrubbing the dampness from his cheeks, unable to look at her as he asks, “What do you suggest I do then? I can’t have it both ways.”

“So do what you _want_ ,” Isa says fiercely. She reaches up and presses a hand to his chest, over his heart. “In here, Luc.”

Lucas just shrugs helplessly. He knows that Jens is taking up a large portion of his heart. Of course he is. Everyone in Antwerp has made their home in him, carved out a place for themselves, ingrained themselves in Lucas to the point that he’ll never be able to forget. But this is his home. His heart has always been here. With his mother, and Isa, and Kes and Jayden and everyone else. This is his town, his whole life, everything that he is. 

He hadn’t realised how much he missed it until he made his way back. He hadn’t realised how much it would affect him. He has felt himself drawing inwards in the old, familiar way, regressing back to the Lucas of sixteen, fifteen, when he’d only been learning what heartbreak meant and how it felt to be truly alone. It was somehow easy, to fade right back into that cracked shell, after working so hard for so long to escape it. It had still felt _normal_ , despite everything that he has done, and some deep, dark part of him craved it. It had crept in the farther he’d gotten from Antwerp, had been a heavy weight at the party, and had consumed him entirely when he made it home and literally had his sense knocked into him. 

This is who he is, who he always has been. Someone detached, someone hiding, someone just existing. Not living. It’s impossible to live in a closet. It’s dark and cramped and suffocating, but Lucas had gotten used to barely breathing. 

Then he’d gotten a taste of fresh air, and he’s no longer sure how to survive without it. 

“Luc,” Isa says, softly pleading, taking up his hands again. “You can’t keep living like this. What are you so scared of? With us?”

Lucas shakes his head again. He has no idea. He no longer knows anything. “I just wanted everything to be normal. I want everything to stop changing.”

“Nothing is going to change,” Isa promises. “Look. You didn’t even know I knew, did you? Because it doesn’t matter, Lucas. It won’t matter to any of us. We love _you_ and whoever you love. Do you see?” 

“I don’t know,” Lucas whispers. “I don’t know what to do, Isa.”

She frowns, seeming heartbroken herself, and pulls him back into the circle of her arms. He lays against her as she rubs soothingly across his back, up and down, back and forth. He wills himself not to cry any longer, because he doesn’t know that his mother simply won’t walk in at any second, and he can’t let her see him like this. It would only lead to her making the decision for him and Lucas setting himself up for more heartache in having to return. 

“Do you want to be with him?” Isa asks.

Lucas hesitates a moment before nodding. It isn’t that he’s not sure of the answer, because he’s well aware that he has never wanted anything more than Jens. He just isn’t sure what good will come of admitting it anymore. 

“Then don’t let yourself lose him,” Isa insists. “We’re going to figure it out, okay? We won’t stop until we do.”

“Ies,” he protests lightly, unsure if he wants to, even as his heart begs and pleads. “It won’t work. There’s nothing.”

“It will. Trust me. But Luc, you need to tell Kes. He and Jayden have always been your biggest support and they still will be. You just need to let them.”

Lucas shuts his eyes, and his next words are muffled against her shoulder. “It’s harder than that.”

“Maybe,” Isa allows, “but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.”

“Why are you doing this for me?” he asks, very quietly, after a short silence. “Aren’t you…mad, or confused, or anything?”

She tilts his head away to kiss his forehead, then holds him in place as she turns serious. “I would do anything for you, Luc. You’re one of my best friends.”

He blinks, harshly, as he feels his eyes prick again, and he can only offer her a watery smile. “Thank you,” he whispers. 

She smiles, pulls him forwards her again, tucks him back under her chin as she hugs him tightly. “I admit I was a little disappointed, at first.”

Lucas stiffens slightly, but then she continues, “You really had me convinced it was me you had feelings for.”

Lucas feels himself blush, but he’s more surprised than anything that it shocks a laugh out of him, genuine and unbridled. Isa giggles along with him, pleased with herself, and Lucas lets her hold him up for a moment, tries to regain some sense of control. 

“I really just want someone to come in and make everything okay,” he admits quietly. 

Isa squeezes him. “I’m here. We’ll make it okay, Luc.”

**_Wednesday, 22:18_ **

**Song: _Sam Smith, Labrinth - Love Goes_**

Jens stares blankly at his phone screen, the only brightness in his room aside from the dull yellow glow of his lamp. His thumbs hover over the home screen, not looking at anything, not doing anything. Thinking, debating, too drowsy to really be very good at either. He isn’t usually so tired this early, but his sleep schedule is even more messed up than it used to be. 

He opens his contacts, scrolls through the names, then hears a scratching at his door before he can do anything with it. He climbs off his bed with a sigh, moving to open his door just enough to let Ace slip in. The cat winds around his legs as Jens quietly clicks the door shut, looking down at the animal with a small rush of fondness. “Sleeping here tonight, hm?”

Ace meows up at him. He has made a habit of it, these past few nights, slinking his way into Jens’s room in the dark and making a home on his bed for the night. Jens has accepted the oddly knowing comfort with immense gratitude. Ace rubs his furry head against his ankle before skittering away, leaping up onto the bed and settling down near the pillows. Jens joins him, slouching back, letting the cat snuggle against his side as he picks up his phone again and navigates to Jana’s number. 

It’s not like he hasn’t been speaking to her since she left. It’s just that he hasn’t spoken to her much. There have been text threads here and there, casual questions and check-ins, but nothing of any real substance. Jens has mostly kept up through her social media, where she has been providing updates for all of them, images of her new house and new school and new friends. He knows she still talks to at least one of the girls every day, and that her and Robbe have also spoken a few times. He is, somewhat surprisingly, the one most left out of the loop. 

It’s also mostly his own fault. 

He is being neglectful of her the way he had neglected Robbe in the past, or Moyo this whole time, entirely absent when they’re at their most vulnerable and possibly in need of him. Wrapped up in his own feelings, his own head. Unaware, even, that he misses them himself. 

He’s been wrapped up in Lucas, though, and he’s very aware of how much he misses him. 

He doesn’t want to keep bothering Robbe with it, even though his best friend has a good understanding of how he feels. Jens doesn’t really understand it himself. He needs someone else who gets it. Who gets _him_ , in a slightly different way. 

After another few seconds of hesitation, he calls Jana. 

He plumps the pillows up behind him as he waits for her to pick up, taking a few breaths, gathering his thoughts and his courage. Maybe he should have given himself a little more time to prepare, but it’s been over two weeks since he saw her, over two weeks since he kissed Lucas for the first time. 

_Only two weeks._

The call goes through amidst his panic, giving him no chance to change his mind as Jana appears on the screen, wearing an expression of pleasant surprise. 

“Hi.” She’s smiling brightly, with only mild confusion, and it does loosen something in Jens’s chest. She is entirely unchanged, completely familiar with her grin and green eyes and fringe. At the sight of her, Jens finally feels the full effect of her absence. He hadn’t actually realised how much he misses her. 

He smiles back at her, hesitant and slightly apologetic. “Hey. Is this a good time?”

“Yeah, of course,” her smile widens. “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to see how you’re doing, is all,” he shrugs, looking down at where Ace lies half-asleep and beginning to pet softly through his fur. “I feel bad for not checking in properly.”

Jana puckers her lips and shrugs, shaking her head in gentle reassurance. “I haven’t called you either. It’s actually been super busy trying to get moved in and adjusting to the new school and...everything about the place, really. I didn’t realise New York was actually this populated.”

Jens raises a brow. “How bad?”

“I don’t think you can ever be alone on a street. But I don’t know if that might be a good thing.”

He huffs slightly, smiling at her furrowed brow. “Just means you have your pick of the lot.”

“Yeah, it’s actually quite difficult when you don’t even speak the same language.” She raises her brows pointedly, tilting her head, and he huffs again. 

“Your English is just as good as mine, if not better. I’d say you’re fitting in more than you think.”

Jana smiles, nodding slightly. “I’ve had some people to take me in, and I definitely get to see Mom more now than I used to. It doesn’t really help make school work any easier though.”

Jens grimaces, imagining the stress of being in such a situation himself, but gives her a comforting smile. “You’ve always been smarter than you give yourself credit for. I bet you’ll come out of this year better than any of us.”

“Even Yasmina?” She raises a brow. 

“Okay, maybe not any of us.”

Jana grins again, rolling her eyes slightly, fond. “I have missed your charm, Jens.”

He snorts, shaking his head softly, smoothing his hand down Ace’s spine. “I don’t doubt it. I’ve missed you too.” Her smile widens, and he continues, “Tell me about New York.”

She does, and he listens. She attempts to briefly explain the schooling system, which Jens absorbs none of, before moving onto her apartment. She gives a quick, virtual tour of her room, slightly smaller than that of her home here but stuffed with all of the same belongings. She tells him about the city itself, how her mother had made them get a bus tour of Manhattan in their first week, even though they’re staying out in Brooklyn and it had only taken them to the main sights and offered a few ‘interesting facts’ (such as the mention that it’s home to over three-hundred Starbucks and around six-hundred Dunkin Donuts, as well as, to Jens’s delight and jealousy, over two-hundred McDonald’s). She also briefly notes the subway system, complaining that it’s like an entire underground city on its own, shaking her head at in exasperation. 

Jens simply watches and listens and smiles, relaxing slightly into his pillows, eyes beginning to droop a little. Jana takes notice, her descriptions trailing off as she softens before teasing, “Am I boring you that much?”

“No,” Jens denies quickly. “Sorry. It’s a lot later here.”

She nods in understanding, tilting her head to one side. “Would you rather talk again another time?”

He pets Ace and doesn’t answer right away, unsure of how to explain that he’d actually wanted to tell her something. 

She seems to realise it herself anyway, settling more comfortably in her own bed before asking, “Or why have you called now? What’s been going on with you?” 

“Uhm.” Jens rubs his forehead, wondering where to even begin while not wanting to dump everything on her at once. He doesn’t want her to think that he has only called her to complain about his own troubles, though he is hoping that she’ll help. “It’s been kind of shitty, actually.”

Jana furrows her brows now, shifting around as she frowns at him. “What’s up?”

“Turns out I was right, about you not being the only one sticking around.”

It doesn’t take her long to understand. “Something happened with Lucas?”

Jens can only nod. 

“But I thought things were going well with you when I left.”

Jens swallows, licks his lips, thinking carefully and finally managing to just _blurt it out_. “We were together.”

He watches her reaction carefully, as he wants to turn away, wants to hide from the possible disappointment or confusion or disgust. 

But Jana’s lips have turned up in a soft smile, and there’s not an ounce of surprise on her face. “I suspected as much.” 

Jens stares at her, stricken speechless. She had looked at him suspiciously during the day they’d spent together before she left, had smiled knowingly to herself, and Jens hadn’t worried too much because she wasn’t saying anything, and there was no way she possibly knew the truth. She had no idea who he was even texting. That’s the kind of lies he had told himself to hold onto his chill, his sanity. 

There’s no room for such a thing now. 

“How did you know?”

“I know how you look when you like someone, Jens. And I know how you talk about them and to them. Those always applied to Lucas.”

It’s surprisingly irritating, his seeming inability to have a proper coming out. Even Moyo hadn’t seemed entirely shocked, and Aaron had brushed it off fairly quickly. Robbe and Jana both already _knew_ and left him to his turmoil. “But...you never said anything?”

Jana shrugs, still as gentle as ever, still as sure of her way around him as she’d always been, if not more so. “It was your thing. It was making you happy. I didn’t want to make it stressful, or scare you off by pushing it before you were ready to talk about it yourself.”

It comes back to him, in that moment, some of the reasons he has always held such an adoration for her. Jana has a mingled kindness and ferocity in her soul to rival Robbe’s, and it’s what had always drawn Jens to them both, years apart and in entirely different ways, but both earning a few of the biggest spots in his heart. 

He finds himself smiling at her, overwhelmed with gratitude and fondness, even as the sadness crashes back over him in waves. “None of that matters now though.”

Jana purses her lips, eyes sad and soft. “Was it not working out? Did you guys fight?”

“No. It was always fucking great, actually,” Jens smiles slightly. “When I last saw him on Friday it was great. I was going in to tell Robbe and he was going home for the weekend. He wanted to tell his friends, too. Then I found out through his Instagram on Saturday morning that it was his birthday, but he hadn’t mentioned it to me at all. He was radio silent all day, and then he sent me one message on Sunday to say that he’d broken his phone and things were bad with his mom and he wasn’t coming back. And he hasn’t. I haven’t even heard from him.” He swallows thickly, feeling a now-familiar tightness in his chest. “He’s just gone.”

Jana’s expression morphs into one of surprise. “Just like that?”

“No warning, no sign, no nothing.”

“It must have been something serious, then. Something that made him feel like he _has_ to stay.”

“Yeah, for his mom. She...she’s bipolar, and I guess something must have happened between his party and the time I woke up. He wants to stay with her, to take care of her, and I get that but—no, I hate how this is working out.”

“You get it, but you hate that it meant leaving you behind,” Jana says softly. 

Jens looks down at Ace again, just to avoid her gaze now, nodding slightly. “It feels like he didn't even really think about me. He isn’t even trying to stay in contact. He just shut me out completely. Like he doesn’t want me to be there at all. Or he doesn’t trust me to,” he says quietly. 

Jana frowns deeply at him now, a flash of pain crossing her expression before she’s shaking her head. “Anyone could see the way he looked at you too, Jens. It probably isn’t easy for him, and maybe he just can’t get in touch. You said he broke his phone.”

“Yeah, but who says that’s the truth?”

A smile flickers on Jana’s lips. “It sounds more like you’re the one who doesn’t trust him, Jens.”

“I haven’t had the best record in the past,” he mutters, barely audible, able to see the sadness on his own face in the tiny screen in the corner. Jana falters, but instead of leaving her fumbling for a response, Jens pushes on. “I don’t even think he told his friends then. What if he got home and realised he didn’t want me at all? Or that he didn’t want to...be like that? What if I was just some kind of experiment, or something?”

“Jens. Did he ever give you that impression?”

Jens slumps back, but shakes his head. It’s this that he can’t quite understand. Lucas has really always been great. He has always been clear about his feelings for Jens, always vocalised them, been more open than Jens himself could manage. There’s no way that Jens has misjudged them. Lucas has poured his feelings into every word and touch and kiss, leaving no room for this ridiculous doubt. 

But now he’s gone. He has disappeared into the void, leaving Jens with nothing more than a broken heart and radio silence. Unable to quite understand just where he had gone wrong.

“I know that I sometimes hold back too much,” he says quietly. “He was probably more open with me than I was with him. What if he just realised I’m not good enough? What if he thinks I can’t understand, or that I wouldn’t stick by him if he just _let me_? What if I locked him out somehow, sometime, without realising?”

_What if he left and it really is my fault? What if he’s running from me?_

Jens doesn’t know why he would, but the thought lingers all the same. It wouldn’t be the first time he had messed up with his silence, with playing it a little too chill. He thought that, with Lucas, he hadn’t been. He thought he’d made it clear just how much he cared, just how much he wanted him, just how raw and deep that desire was. 

But what if Lucas really doesn’t _know_? What if he only thinks he can’t have both because Jens, somewhere along the line, had already failed him?

“That’s a lot of what-ifs,” Jana points out. “You can’t torture yourself with unanswered questions. Do you want to actually know what I think, or did you just want to rant to yourself?”

Jens takes a moment to portray a little more restraint, and then he nods slightly. “Tell me, please.”

“I think Lucas had to make a really hard decision and that he dealt with all the what-ifs first. The worst case scenario was that he would ask you to stay and you wouldn’t. So he took the easiest way out for himself. He chose the path with the thorns instead of the burning coals. He’s hurting and missing just as much as you. It’s never a choice he would have made if he felt he actually had one.”

A lump has formed in Jens’s throat as she spoke, and he does his best to swallow it down, his eyes blurring with something other than his exhaustion. It’s a little terrifying, to have such emotion overtake him when he knows someone is watching, but he’s comforted by the fact that it’s Jana. Someone who has already seen him at his best and his worst and is still here now, offering him unwavering confidence and support. 

“Does it make me an asshole to hope you’re right?” Jens questions, sniffing. 

Jana laughs slightly, shakes her head, draws the camera a little closer to her. “It makes you honest. You just have to find some way to talk to him, Jens. Even if you have to message one of his friends. I know that you don’t want to let him go. So don’t.”

Jens scrubs at his eyes, ignoring Ace shifting against his side, scuffling quietly as his purring is interrupted at the absence of Jens’s touch. “Do you really think he’ll let me hold on?”

“If he knows what’s good for him,” Jana smiles, “then the last thing he’ll do is let you slip away. I promise.”

Jens blinks, offering her a watery smile. “Thank you,” he breathes. 

Jana nods, blowing him a kiss. “Whatever happens, I know you’ll be okay. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

Jens takes the words and does his best to believe them. 

**_Thursday, 19:54_ **

**Song: _Juice WRLD, Marshmello - Come & Go_**

Lucas already feels exhausted. He feels like he could sleep for a week straight. Maybe longer. It makes it hard to keep up with his friends, or to interact at all, and it makes it impossible to string his thoughts together and gather the courage he needs for what he’s about to do. 

This is why Isa is sat close on the sofa next to him, leaning slightly against his side with her legs crossed under her, letting out a loud laugh as Jayden tosses his remaining cards on the table. 

“Fuck that, you’re definitely cheating,” he complains, flicking his hand as he slumps back into the armchair. 

Kes laughs, too, from his place on the floor across the coffee table. “You’re just a sore loser.”

Jayden offers him a sarcastic smile and flips him off, rolling his eyes and muttering, “Well of course you’d take her side.”

“Aww.” Kes climbs to his feet, cooing, and squeezes himself into the chair with Jayden, hovering over him on his knees and restraining Jayden’s hands as the boy tries to shove him off. “Now I see. Poor Jade just wants some love too. Do I need to give you some love Jayden?”

Isa cackles as Jayden finally manages to push him away, leaving Kes rolling over the arm of the chair and landing on his ass amidst his own laughter. Lucas can only manage a small huff of amusement, a fond but tired smile, as his skin tightens and leaves him feeling itchy and irritated. He shifts slightly in his seat, feeling antsy, too big for his body. Isa notices and leans that bit closer, shoots him a concerned but comforting glance as she wraps an arm around his shoulders. Lucas sinks against her, laying his head on her shoulder as Kes rubs his hands together. 

“Another round?” he questions. 

Jayden simply nods, but Isa hesitates, her grip tightening on Lucas’s shoulder. “I don’t know. Luc?”

Lucas lifts his head, glancing at her and licking his lips, realising this is her giving him the opening. It’s his choice whether or not he’s ready to take it. He sits forward, leaning his forearms on his knees, feeling his throat contract before he manages to say, “Actually, there was something I wanted to talk to you guys about.” 

This instantly earns him the attention of the room, and he resists the urge to shrink away. Isa rubs his back soothingly, and he tries to take a little strength from it as Kes and Jayden both stare at him, both slowly growing concerned the longer the silence runs. Lucas clasps his hands in front of him, palm meeting palm now that he has healed enough to dispatch of the bandage. There are still faint marks, a variety of little lines and nicks that scratch slightly against the opposing smooth skin. 

“What’s up? Is everything okay with your mom? Or is it your dad?” Kes questions. 

Lucas swallows, shaking his head, glancing from him to Jayden and then back. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Okay,” Jayden says quietly. “What is it then?”

“Uhm,” Lucas starts, chokes. Isa lays her hand in the crook of his elbow and squeezes his arm, then retracts it. Kes and Jayden track the movement, realising, and it nudges Lucas on. “So, you know Jens?”

“Your Belgian boy?” Kes wrinkles his brow. “What’s up with him, did something happen or what?”

Lucas feels himself flush at the description, pausing for a moment and wondering if they, too, somehow already know. At this stage, it wouldn’t surprise him. He drops his gaze down to his hands, where he has begun to rub his thumb over the cuts. “We’re together. Or, we were.” 

His heartbeat picks up in the ensuing silence. He is reluctant to look at them, but he manages, eventually, to lift his gaze. Jayden has sat up straight in his seat, watching him keenly, eyes bright with faint surprise as a smile threatens at his lips. It’s when he looks at Kes that his heart drops, being met with an entirely blank expression, intense stare giving nothing away. It prods Lucas to hold the eye contact and further explain, “I’m gay.”

There is no time to comprehend the immediate response to this admission. He barely has time to take a breath before Kes is locking him in his arms, squeezing it out of him. The touch is simultaneously so foreign and the most familiar that his eyes begin to well up, and he struggles to move enough to hug his best friend back, arms only half-wrapping around his waist. 

He buries his face in Kes’s shoulder as Kes moves a hand to the back of his hand, mussing his hair as he always does. “Don’t look so terrified, Luc,” he chastises. “Fucking dummy. I thought something was _wrong_.”

Lucas chokes a laugh, a few tears slipping over in his relief, and Kes merely hugs him tighter as another pair of arms join them. 

“Jesus, man, don’t cry, you’re gonna set me off,” Jayden mumbles in his ear, tight grip and gentle tone belying the flippant words. 

Kes scoffs and nudges the boy away with his shoulder before leaning back, cradling Lucas’s head in his hands instead, unbothered by his damp cheeks. Jayden keeps an arm wound around his back as Kes speaks, low but firm. “We love you. You see that, right?”

Lucas takes a moment to take them in, glancing between them to where Isa has moved to the armchair and is watching with a warm smile. He takes in Jayden’s grin, Kes’s serious and openly fond gaze, and slowly nods. 

Kes lightly slaps his cheeks as his lips finally curve into a wide grin. “Good.” He moves up from his crouched position to squeeze in next to Lucas, making him shift over closer to Jayden so they can all fit comfortably. “Now tell us about your fucking boyfriend.”

“Hot boyfriend,” Jayden adds. He slumps back into the corner of the sofa as the others look at him, face a mask of confusion. “How did our Luc manage that?” 

“Fuck you,” Lucas says, choking out another surprised laugh, not quite having managed to gather himself yet. Not quite understanding and accepting the support that has just been provided without question. 

Kes ruffles his hair with a heavy hand, shaking his whole head in an attempt to regain his attention. “Come on. Give us the deets you’ve been apparently holding off on for weeks. Now I’m starting to get all the drama over him.”

Lucas smiles, rolling his eyes slightly. “There wasn’t that much drama. Just a couple misunderstandings at the beginning.”

“And after that?” Jayden prompts. 

“I don’t know. It’s just...really nice,” Lucas’s smile widens slightly. “He’s kind of just the best. It’s like...there’s nothing special about him that I can pick out that makes me like him, or anything. It’s just everything about him. Who he is...I like it.”

Jayden coos at him as Kes grins, wide and with some shock now. “Oh, wow, you’ve actually got it bad.”

Lucas blushes and rubs a hand over his face to dispel—and hopefully hide—the embarrassment. It’s just unreal, to actually be talking about Jens. To actually be telling his best friends about the boy he likes and to have them listen, to have them tease fondly and not bat an eye beyond mild surprise at the strength of Lucas’s actual devotion. He can’t blame them for that; it still baffles Lucas himself, how any feeling can at once feel so natural and unnaturally immense. 

“Are you in love?” Isa butts in, intrigued, leaning forwards towards them. She rests her chin on her fist as her eyes sparkle, and Kes interrupts before Lucas is forced to think about an answer to _that_. 

“No, no, you don’t get to ask the questions, don’t think we don’t realise you already knew.” It sounds somewhat petulant, but not truly hurt, more teasing than upset.

“He only told me when I was here on Tuesday because he was upset. We only got to speak a little about Jens before dinner.”

“Wait, but are you?” Jayden asks Lucas. “Do you love him, I mean?”

Lucas falters as they turn their attention back to him, only able to lift his shoulders in a shrug. It’s not that he hasn’t thought about it, because he has, and he’s fairly sure of the answer. The ache in his chest that only Jens could soothe can’t be explained by anything else. “I don’t think it matters now,” he admits in a murmur. 

“What? Why wouldn’t it?” Kes demands. 

“I’m here and he’s there. I fucked everything up already.”

Realisation dawns slowly on Kes and Jayden as Isa’s expression morphs back into one of sympathy. 

“You didn’t fuck up,” Jayden tries, hesitant. “He’s not that far away. I mean, that could still work, right? Like a long distance thing?”

“That isn’t even that long,” Kes agrees. 

“No, guys, I only messaged him that once on Sunday to tell him I wasn’t coming back. He probably thinks I’m an asshole. He isn’t going to want to put in work like that for me now.”

“He would,” Isa insists, in a tone that suggests she has said so before. “If he cares about you as much as you clearly do about him. And you said it was good, right?”

“It was better than good, but it wouldn’t be anything like this. I can’t ask him to—“ Lucas cuts himself off, throat tightening, before barging on “—to take on all of this. It’s not fair.”

“All’s fair in love and war,” Jayden rhymes off simply, pointedly, leaving Isa pointing at him in agreement. 

“And which one is this?” Lucas asks, only half sarcastic. 

“Luc, stop,” Kes quiets them all. “You can’t do that. You can’t just give up. You’re telling us you might love this guy and you think you can just turn your back and get over it? Man, what are you even doing here?”

“That’s also what I’d like to know,” a new voice interrupts them. 

Lucas’s heart crawls up and lodges itself in his throat as he looks up at his mother, stood in the doorway wearing an expression of astonishment and pain. Sad because of Lucas, despite all his best efforts. 

She takes another step into the room, the eyes solely focused on her son soft and brimming with emotion. “Darling, who have you left behind?”

Isa raises to her feet in the following lapse into silence, followed quickly by Kes who asks, “Is it alright if we go steal some of your snacks?”

“I left some out in the kitchen for you on my way down,” Tess smiles, kind and grateful, waiting for them to unsubtly make their way out before moving to sit next to Lucas. 

He sinks back into the cushions, content with keeping his gaze firmly on his hands until she takes them both in her own, squeezing lightly. 

“Is this your Jens? Is he more to you than you’ve said?”

Lucas hesitates for only a few seconds before nodding. He definitely hadn’t expected to be coming out to his mother today, on top of the boys. On top of everything. It invites a whole new level of fear in, as well as an even stronger relief of having her _know_. 

She knows that he likes a boy. That he might be in love with a boy. She knows and she isn’t turning him away. 

In fact, she pulls him right into her arms and gives a tiny, delighted laugh. “That’s wonderful, sweetheart. That is the best thing you could have come home and told me. I had no idea that you’d found someone like that there.”

He shakes his head slightly, suddenly feeling incredibly small. “It doesn’t matter.”

She pulls away enough to make him look at her, gazing into blue eyes the exact shade of his own. “It _does_ matter. It’s a beautiful thing, that kind of connection. It’s all that matters if it has been making you happy. Lucas, the one thing that matters is being where you’re happy. With the person you love.”

“I love you,” he croaks. “I want to be with _you_.”

It’s the truth. It is. He had never wanted to leave her in the first place, and he doesn’t now. She’s his mother; he loves her wholeheartedly, unconditionally. It would tear him apart to leave her on her own again. 

He’s already in shreds sat right next to her. 

His mother’s eyes glisten. “But you aren’t happy, sweetheart,” she says softly. “I’m not the one who can bring you the kind of joy you deserve. More importantly, I’m not your responsibility.” She brushes a hand through his hair. “But you are mine. My only important job in this world is to keep you safe, and that includes your heart. And I can see that that isn’t here with me. I’ve known since you walked through the door, even if I couldn’t discern the reason.”

Lucas blinks harshly. He’s getting so tired of crying. He has barely stopped. He can’t start again so soon, even if she’s making it difficult. “It’s not just you. It’s them, too. I don’t want to leave. This is my home.” 

“Are you sure?” 

The simplicity of it makes Lucas pause, even while his mother smiles, sadly, already knowing the answer. His lip trembles as he shakes his head. 

Her smile widens, and she draws him in to press a kiss to his forehead and hold him again as he clings to her, still not willing to let go. He knows that she’s right, but he has known that the whole time. That this will always be home, but it doesn’t quite feel like it anymore. This is his house, this is all his life, and yet he hasn’t been able to feel like he’s here for a single second. He hasn’t been present. 

He can’t be, because not all of him _is_ here. Jens had snuck his heart out without him noticing and kept it, coming to own every beat. Lucas can’t breathe without it. 

“You should go home, Lucas. I’ll call your father and we’ll both talk to him.” As Lucas’s shoulders tense, she adds, “Not necessarily about Jens. Just to make sure he knows to expect you and won’t make it any more difficult on us. Alright?”

“Are you going to be alright?”

The words are muffled against her shoulder, but she hears them and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “Nothing makes me happier than knowing you are happy, Luc.”

“That’s not an answer, Mama,” he says softly. 

“I’ll be fine. I mean it. Your aunt was here every day before you came home, and you’re welcome to come every weekend or holiday or whenever you want. I am doing better. I’m doing what’s right for me and you need to do the same.”

He holds her tighter, presses a kiss to the jut of her shoulder, finally nods his head. “When?”

“First thing tomorrow. By the sounds of things you’ll have some explaining to do, hm? Best not to push it off any longer than necessary. I’d send you tonight if it wasn’t already late.”

“I didn’t realise you just wanted rid of me,” he mumbles, barely managing to make his tone light enough for the tease. 

“I’d keep you right here forever and you know that. But I’ll see you again soon. We’ll all be better about it from now on.”

“We’ll help you pack.”

Lucas jerks his head up again and finds Kes peering around the doorway, hand clasped over his mouth after giving himself away. Lucas laughs as he hears Jayden and Isa’s complaints, watching Kes give them an exaggerated apology as his mother laughs along with him, and he realises he already feels lighter. 

**_Thursday 21:32_ **

**jensrolt:** _hey, I know you probably won’t see this, because you haven’t seen any of my other messages, but I guess I’m trying one last time. I already forgive you, Luc. and I’m here for you. whenever you want me. if you still want me. I’m willing to wait, okay? please, Lucas_

**_Friday, 18:26_ **

**Songs: _Wrabel - We Could Be Beautiful; Ali Gatie - It’s You_**

“Have you tried texting him again? Maybe he got his phone fixed since then.”

Jens bites back a groan of frustration at Robbe’s question, feeling the weight of his phone in his pocket, irritatingly silent for days. “I sent him whole bundles of messages the first couple of days. It makes me pathetic enough as it is.” 

“You’re not pathetic for actually putting the effort in, man,” Moyo says. 

“Aren’t I?” Jens raises a brow. 

He’s been feeling pretty pathetic. He had sent message after message after receiving the one from Lucas, but realised the boy had left instantly after none of them even appeared as read. Lucas had cut him off completely. On Sunday, his messages had gone from panic to concern to anger, and on Monday he had attempted desperation, and by Tuesday a single message of acceptance. 

Yesterday he’d sent one more in the form of a single plea and a promise. 

Today he has joined in a mini gathering with the boys on the condition they were to meet at the skatepark. The boys had agreed, even though it currently means sitting in the dark in their coats and beanies, Sander and Aaron going so far as to wear their scarves. The advantages are that the park is fairly quiet, only a few small groups apart from them gathered across the space, few actually skating. Instead they’re all scattered around the edges, talking and laughing and smoking. 

Moyo had dug out a joint near the beginning of their visit, and Jens currently feels the effects of it in his chest, in his head, smoothing over some of the damage. 

Sander licks his lips where he sits across from him. “Do you think he got scared?”

“What do you mean?” Aaron asks. 

Jens is already shaking his head. “I don’t think it was that. I mean, he was with me on Friday before he left. At the cafe, before I met you,” he nods at Robbe. “He didn’t seem scared. I thought then that maybe being back with his friends was different, but I’d been talking to him on Friday night when he was there and he seemed fine.”

“So something obviously happened between then and Saturday. Either something during the party, or most likely something after he got home,” Robbe says. 

“We already know what happened. It’s his mom,” Moyo shrugs. “Knowing isn’t the problem. It’s the fucking radio silence. He just dropped right off the grid.”

“That kinda sounds like someone who’s scared,” Robbe says eventually, cuddling closer to Sander, whom he has his arm wrapped around. Sander sets a hand on his knee and Jens aches. 

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t help him if I can’t talk to him. Can’t we just fucking leave it for five minutes?” Jens fires. 

Sander shakes his head. “Not if it’s going to be bothering you the whole time anyway. You’re saying you’ve just accepted it and it’s bullshit.”

“Sander,” Robbe placates. 

“No, I know you agree with me. Jens, you can’t just tell us to forget it when it’s obviously fucking with you the whole time.”

Jens scuffs his shoe down along the ramp, not willing to respond. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, curling them against the cold. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the statement, because he can’t argue with it. It never does leave his mind, is always there crushing him. It being the memory of Lucas’s touch, his smile, his voice, his light, and the current absence of all of these things. 

“Sander is right,” Moyo admits, bumping Jens’s shoulder with his own. “We’ll only forget it if you do. You either need to get it out of your system or stop letting him fuck with you. But this just sucks, man.”

“How am I supposed to do that when he’s not giving me any choice over anything?”

Sander clears his throat, and then Robbe is interrupting them with, “Uhm.”

Jens glances at them, confused, only to see their gazes fixated on a spot behind him. Their expressions give very little away, and Jens furrows his brows, pulse picking up before he knows why. He twists around and his heart stops. 

Lucas stands about three feet away, hands shoved in the pockets of his denim jacket and hair blowing across his forehead, blue eyes bright even in the dim evening. They’re already settled solely on Jens, achingly familiar but unusual in their nerves. He softens immediately when Jens looks at him, lips begging to twitch up in a smile even as his shoulders creep towards his ears. 

Jens discreetly pinches his thigh and feels a slight sting. 

He isn’t dreaming. 

Lucas is only standing a few feet away. 

“Hi.”

The rest of the boys all remain silent. Jens isn’t looking at any of them, so he has no way of knowing if they’re staring at Lucas or at him. He swallows and manages a barely audible, “Hey.”

Lucas flicks his gaze around the group this time and his nerves appear to strengthen, but he looks resolutely at Jens. “I was hoping you’d be here. First place I checked.”

“And what exactly are you doing here?” Moyo questions. 

“Man,” Robbe admonishes as Lucas locks up, gaze dropping to the ground. Jens glances around and meets his best friend’s gaze, and then Robbe is pulling a frozen Sander to his feet and walking around to pull at Aaron, who is watching on entirely dumbfounded. 

Jens watches Lucas hug his jacket tighter around himself and has to resist mimicking the gesture. 

“Moyo, come,” Robbe orders. 

Moyo flicks his gaze between them for a few moments in silent debate, and then drags himself to his feet. He pushes Aaron in front of him and heads off, giving Lucas a warning look as he passes. Robbe and Sander follow, with Sander giving Lucas’s shoulder a short squeeze and earning himself a smile. 

Then they’re left alone. 

Well, aside from the other groups still lingering around. 

Lucas turns his attention back to him slowly, and in that time Jens gets to his feet, closing some of the distance between them just by standing. Lucas takes his hands out of his pockets and rubs them together, looking everywhere but at Jens’s face. Jens takes a tiny step forward, silently urging those blue eyes towards him, and is rewarded after only a few seconds. He wonders if Lucas has read his message, and is pretty sure he hasn’t. 

“They know, then,” Lucas breaks the silence. 

Jens shrugs slightly. “You left me with a lot of explaining to do, actually. They’re not the only ones who know by now.”

Lucas bites his lip, averting his gaze downwards again as he nods. “Sorry,” he says quietly. 

It goes unspoken that the apology stands for more than Jens having to do all the coming out on his own. It seems clear that it also won’t be the end of it, that it’s the most simplistic beginning. There is too much unspoken. Jens has a whole list of questions, but any words he can think up catch in his throat. He’s almost vibrating with emotion, yet he can’t pick out any clear feeling. 

“When did you get back?” he asks. 

“This morning. My mom had me on the first train. To come back to you,” Lucas admits. “I told her. Or she found out. But I told my friends, too. Kes and Jayden and Ies.”

Jens hadn’t been expecting that. It throws him off slightly, making his resolution waver, making him want to step closer. It’s taking all his willpower to hold back. After not having the opportunity for so long, the sight of Lucas in front of him makes him want nothing more than to drag him into his arms and hold on. Anything to stop him from turning around and walking away, taking the last poor shreds of Jens’s heart with him. Jens don’t think he could survive it, if Lucas returned only to leave him now. He can’t let him go. 

But he can’t just give in. 

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Lucas speaks again, voice thick. He makes as if to step towards Jens, then aborts the movement, and Jens’s hands curl into fists in his pockets. “I’m an idiot, and an asshole, and it shouldn’t have taken my own mother telling me so for me to realise what I was doing wasn’t the right thing. Because it wasn’t with you. And nothing feels right without you anymore, Jens.”

Jens feels his heart in his throat, too close to pouring itself out. A tiny part of him is still shooting off warning signals, urging him not to buy it so easily, not to fall into a state of blind trust. The rest of him is screaming that Lucas is here, within arms reach, and wondering why the hell Jens hasn’t touched him yet. 

“Your dad wasn’t pissed?” Jens questions. “When you got back, I mean.”

Lucas seems surprised by the response, but doesn’t let it phase him for long, shrugging instead as he watches Jens closely. “I thought it was going to be a screaming match, even after we talked to him last night. But then I actually got home and he just hugged me, really tightly.”

Jens considers him for a moment, taking in this answer as he stares into sincere blue eyes. 

Then he’s closing the gap. 

He draws Lucas towards him in a single movement and Lucas comes easily, falling against Jens’s chest and winding his arms around his waist. Jens pulls him impossibly close, eyes falling shut at the contact as Lucas presses his hands to his back and lets out a stuttering breath into his neck. Jens soaks up the familiar warmth, tangling a hand in Lucas’s hair, burying his face in the boy’s neck and breathing him in. 

“I missed you so much,” Lucas murmurs, and Jens’s heart finally settles. 

He draws back just enough to stroke his thumb over Lucas’s cheek and brush their noses together. Lucas shifts his weight onto his toes, pressing upwards into Jens’s kiss and letting out an immediate sigh of relief. Jens lets it slip through his lips and settle in his own chest, filling him with a faint giddiness and a dizzying peace. He presses his mouth against Lucas’s, once, then twice, and again, over and over, quickly picking up steam as the realisation sinks in. 

Lucas is _here_ , and he’s here for _him_. 

He presses closer, and Jens sinks his hand into his hair, relishing in the way Lucas goes pliant for him, parting his lips at the lightest brush of Jens’s tongue and shuddering against him. It takes a moment for Jens to realise that it’s actually a constant shivering, only coming to his senses when Lucas raises his frigid fingers to his neck and Jens pulls away. It’s only then that the world around them returns, and he realises they’re still outside, still with other people around them. A small spark of fear ricochets around in his chest, and he can only hope no one else hears Lucas’s small whine, pray that none of them are paying attention to how he instantly moves his lips to Jens’s jaw instead. He comes to understand quickly that the main reason he’s hoping this is because of how precious the gestures feel, how effortlessly intimate, and he wants to keep them all solely to himself. He wants to have Lucas to himself. 

“Jens,” Lucas urges, nipping at his jaw with his teeth, and Jens gives a small jerky nod and lets Lucas lead him away. 

The walk back to the boy’s apartment feels like a lifetime, only soothed by Lucas’s hand in his, pulling him along at surprising speed. For once, Jens can’t find an ounce of worry in him over who may be watching. He isn’t sure he could bring himself to let go of Lucas even if someone was physically ripping them apart. 

Lucas fumbles with his keys at the door, adding to their impatience, numbed from the cold and unhelped by the way Jens plasters himself to his back. They stumble up three flights of stairs, too close to tripping over their own feet as hands catch in clothes and quiet giggles fall through lips. Lucas shushes him when they reach his apartment, drawing him down into a kiss in the hallway only to push him away whilst fumbling with another key. Then he grabs Jens by the hand and instantly guides him to his room, pulling him inside and locking the door behind him. 

It takes no time for them to mold to each other again, the press of their mouths heavy and insistent as Lucas pulls off Jens’s beanie and gets a hand in his hair. Jens gasps as he uses the grip to tug his head back, trailing an open-mouthed path of kisses down his throat as he shoves Jens’s jacket off his shoulders. Jens reciprocates, sliding his hands under the denim collar and over Lucas’s shoulders before faltering as Lucas slips a hand up under his sweatshirt and onto bare skin. 

Lucas pauses with him, but doesn’t retract the touch, kissing Jens’s lips again and asking, “Is this okay?”

Jens responds with an outward gush of breath and too-fast nod, eager and needy and uncaring as Lucas huffs against his mouth and touches him with more surety. He takes his hands away only long enough to let his jacket fall to the floor, then he’s skimming his hands up Jens’s sides and hiking his sweatshirt up to his chest. Jens lifts his arms and leans back just long enough for Lucas to get the garment off before he’s back on him again, not giving Lucas time to examine or himself the opportunity to psyche himself out. 

It doesn’t stop Lucas from exploring, hands mapping out every inch of new territory. He brushes his thumbs over Jens’s hips, his stomach, and then trails his fingers around his sides, dances them up his spine. 

Jens lets out a breath, kisses turning sloppier as his blood runs hot. He finds himself frowning at the fabric brushing over his skin, drops his hands down to catch the bottom of Lucas’s sweater and begin dragging it up, letting his fingertips tease over ribs just to swallow the small hitch of Lucas’s breath. The clothing catches around his head, and Lucas laughs behind it until Jens finally manages to get him free, dropping the sweater on the floor and carding a hand through Lucas’s now messy curls. 

Amidst Lucas’s lingering laughter, he gets a few seconds to admire, and is only vaguely surprised to find his pulse racing at smooth planes and hard lines. Then Lucas is taking him by the chin and kissing him again, only letting Jens glimpse the nerves in his eyes before both pairs are drifting shut. Jens slips his hands around Lucas’s shoulders, down either side of his spine, entirely sure this time of the shudder he gets in response. He feels it in his own chest. They’re pressed together from head to toe, skin on skin, and he only becomes fully aware of it when Lucas hooks his fingers in his belt loops and draws him closer. 

The gesture makes both of them falter, lips shifting apart and foreheads pressing together as Lucas walks backwards and draws Jens with him. He drops onto the bed and shifts up towards the pillows, never once relinquishing his grip on Jens’s neck, pulling him down and straining up to meet him. Jens hovers over him, settling between his thighs and kissing him into the mattress, smiling as Lucas goes lax and winds his arms around Jens’s neck. It’s not so different to that day on the couch, apart from the bare skin, but that seems to be enough to leave Jens trembling, heart hammering anxiously even as he tugs Lucas’s sweatpants down his legs. 

He moves back up and kisses Lucas hard, teeth clashing as Lucas grips his belt loops again and draws his hips down and all his focus immediately rushes south. 

It’s a familiar feeling, physically, the slowly spreading fire, the zing of initial excitement, and still it has Jens freezing up. His breath becomes laboured, and he hovers unmoving, and Lucas kisses him slow and sound and eventually grips his trembling hand as he wraps his free arm around Jens’s back. 

He shifts his weight, turning and pressing upwards, pushing Jens aside and then flat onto his back. He swings a bare leg over Jens’s hips and straddles him, hands soothing a path from his waistband right up to his neck as he leans down and kisses him again. 

Lucas curses under his breath, sitting back against Jens’s thighs and trailing a hand back down his skin, shaking his head and looking down with something too close to adoration. Jens rests his hands on his thighs, stroking the downy skin just below the edge of his boxers. He examines the sharp lines again, the thinly corded muscles, the blue eyes he’s come to know better than his own. 

It makes Lucas smile, this blatant hunger, and huff before leaning down to kiss Jens again, hands pressed into the mattress either side of his head and lips supple and slick. He trails them over Jens’s cheek, down along the line of his jaw to nip at his chin as he rolls his hips and Jens lets out a moan. He isn’t expecting Lucas to return it, but he does, seemingly driven by Jens’s own quiet sounds as Lucas pants hotly into his ear, kissing the spot behind it before murmuring, “You’re even more beautiful than I realised.”

Jens’s hips push up on their own and Lucas smiles against his skin. He trails kisses down Jens’s neck, lips parting for teeth and tongue, nipping and suckling and then soothing it over, in the spot where his neck curves into his shoulder. He grazes his teeth over Jens’s collarbone as he reaches a hand between them and pops the button on his jeans, and Jens tenses up again. 

It isn’t really something he expected to be nervous about. He hadn’t been that day, when it first seemed drawn into question, but now it’s sinking in that this isn’t something he has done before. He realises he doesn’t even know where to put his hands. There’s a lingering doubt in his chest, the remaining warning signals ringing alarms. It’ll kill him twice as quickly if Lucas gives him this and then disappears, and he knows it. He lies untouched, bottom half still clothed, and yet every inch of his skin is buzzing with desire and urgent need. It isn’t an experience to take lightly, without caution, even though he can’t imagine anything truly making him want to stop. 

Without him having to say a word, Lucas understands. 

He kisses Jens soundly, raising a hand to cup his cheek. The touch is steady, unwavering, surer of itself than Jens imagined it would be. It leaves him melting slightly, sinking into the mattress, heart easing up and making way for the sudden rush of trust. 

“It’s okay if you aren’t sure of me right now,” Lucas says lowly. “Just say the word and we’ll forget it.”

It’s enough. 

Jens stretches up and kisses him, sliding his hands round to the back of his thighs and drawing him down, and Lucas hums low in his throat and returns to his task of removing Jens’s jeans and underwear in one fell swoop. 

This is when Jens feels the unnatural urge to hide. It isn’t something he’s entirely used to being shy about, not when he’d been with Jana, and yet he’s nervous about how Lucas will look at him. Lucas gives no indication of any change other than the flutter of his hands as he grazes them over Jens’s hips, fingertips following the bones before dipping lower and taking up a light grip. 

All room for nerves disappears as he’s consumed by a burning pleasure. The breath is punched out of him as Lucas leans down for a kiss, seemingly needing, this time, to reassure himself. Jens is comforted by it anyway, moving his hand into Lucas’s hair, clutching at the strands as his head falls back and Lucas is left kissing his chin. For his inexperience, he learns quickly, eyes alight with wonder as a particular twist makes Jens’s breath and hips hitch. Jens has to kiss him again before he can comment on the redness of his cheeks, and the burning turns white-hot. Lucas kisses him through, swallowing his moans, uncaring that he has to do all the work as Jens’s jaw goes slack. 

He hasn’t even caught his breath by the time he’s reaching between them, pushing his nerves down and immediately being rewarded by Lucas’s lips falling into a small ‘o’, red and shiny and inviting as his breaths escape them in a keen. Jens grins, beginning to understand that wonderment as a red flush crawls its way up Lucas’s chest and into his cheeks, and then he’s drawing him down again. 

Their lips meet and it feels like coming home.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday’s first clip contains discussion of mental illness and suicide attempt (while Lucas is talking about his mother). Friday’s second clip contains sexual content, homophobia and minor violence. Please feel free to skip if this feels harmful or triggering.

**_Saturday, 10:26_ **

**Song: _Hozier - Work Song_**

Lucas wakes up to cold sheets. 

He shifts under the covers, face scrunching up as he stretches his arm out in search of a body that isn’t there. He presses his face into his pillow as his fingers clutch in the sheet, eyes squinting open into slits. He can tell it’s already bright out, though the light is thankfully dimmed by the pale blue curtains. Still, Lucas squeezes his eyes shut again and moves across the mattress, snuggling into the other pillow, taking it in a tight grip and inhaling the lingering scent as his chest tightens. 

The memory of Jens still feels ingrained in every one of his skin cells. He hadn’t expected to wake up alone, and a blanket of anxiety settles over him at the realisation. He pushes himself up and reaches out for his phone before remembering he has yet to get it fixed. He drops back against his pillows instead, blowing out a breath, taking his time with bringing his hands to his eyes and rubbing the sleep out of them. He lets his arms fall around his head, ignoring how it makes his muscles bunch against the cold as the blankets fall down around his chest.

He breathes slowly as he thinks. His mind is racing, but he isn’t yet awake enough for his body to have caught up. There’s a disconnect between the pure panic of his thoughts and his relaxed limbs, and it only makes him more aware that his situation is _wrong_. 

His immediate assumption is that he messed up. It’s obvious that he has, and that Jens has every right to be mad at him. 

After last night, he’d just thought they were giving each other another chance to work through it. 

Falling asleep with Jens only to wake up without him isn’t exactly reassuring, but he also can’t say that he’s overly surprised. It’s probably what he deserves. He should have taken the opportunity to talk to Jens, explain and beg for forgiveness, instead of getting caught up in the heat of the moment. It had just been so easy with Jens equally urging them on. He hadn’t needed to think about what would come after. 

Even though it was early in the evening, they hadn’t spoken afterwards. Lucas had brought them in some leftovers and they’d wolfed them down before Jens pulled out a blunt. They’d settled in and smoked and traded kiss after kiss and Jens had stripped him of his shirt a second time and any thoughts of talking dissipated. It had almost felt like their actions had said enough, that being together was proof to them both that that is how it always should be. 

Now Lucas is thinking they might not have been on the same page after all. 

A distant clatter makes him perk up, head raising so quickly it leaves him dizzy. Voices follow, blending together, faintly familiar. A laugh rings out and Lucas is flinging the blankets off and tugging on a shirt and sweats, slipping out of the room and down the hall towards the kitchen. 

For a single moment, in which he’s still half-asleep, he’s worried he’ll find his father. Then he peeks through the doorway and immediately catches sight of bleached blond hair by the stove. Sander seems to feel his gaze, instantly looking his way and grinning at him as Lucas steps into the room and sees Jens and Robbe sat at the table. 

Lucas takes a few hesitant steps closer and mumbles, “Hi?”

Sander and Robbe return the greeting, but Jens simply climbs out of his chair and crosses the space. He cups Lucas’s face and kisses him quickly, brushing their noses together and letting out a breath. Lucas sets his hands on his hips, in some sort of trance as Jens winds his arms around him and kisses him again, murmuring a morning greeting. 

Lucas is so filled with relief at the sight of warm brown eyes that he doesn’t think before drawing Jens down into a firmer kiss, forgetting they’re not alone. 

Until Sander lets out a low whistle, that is. 

It cuts through the fog instantly, making Lucas blush and bury his head in Jens’s neck as the taller simply flips Sander off. Jens nuzzles at his temple and leaves a kiss there before gently pushing him back with a reassuring smile. 

_He’s here. He’s still with you. It wasn’t a dream._

Lucas shoves down the desire to kiss him again and instead looks to their friends, feeling oddly shy. Robbe hasn’t moved from the table. He has rested his chin in his hands to watch them, fingers splayed over his cheeks which are split around an uncontrollable grin. Sander wears a somewhat smug smile that only softens when Lucas meets his gaze, growing almost shy after a few longer seconds. “What are you guys doing here?” Lucas asks. 

Robbe drops one hand to the table and tilts his head into the other, grin only widening. “Well, we were a little worried after not hearing from either of you last night, so I called Jens and he almost bit my head off for nearly waking you up.”

Lucas nods slowly. “And then just...invited you over?” He glances at Jens, who shakes his head. 

“That was more me,” Sander admits. “Jens wasn’t answering his texts and we were gonna go see him and I convinced Robbe to come check on you on the way there. Then Robbe got through to him when we were about a block away and he let us in.”

“Is that okay?” Jens asks, now hesitant. “I probably should have asked but I didn’t want to wake you and I thought you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t,” Lucas assures. “You, uhm, didn’t see my dad?”

Jens shakes his head, shrugging. “I heard him moving around this morning, but he didn’t come near your room. It was like, super early. I don’t know how he even got time to sleep.”

Lucas nods, smiling slightly and letting his shoulders droop. Jens is smiling, too, but there’s something questioning underneath, a vague concern. Lucas rubs a hand over his face in an attempt to scrub off the nerves. “Sorry, I just...woke up kind of confused. Haven’t had my coffee yet.”

Sander’s grin returns now as he whirls back around to the stove, prodding at something in a pan Lucas only now notices. “Well, you can have coffee and croques soon. Then we can catch up.”

The words are said lightly, and still the air seems to thicken with them. Lucas’s chest grows tight again, and is only marginally soothed as Jens slips his hand into his and tugs him towards the table. Guilt wars in him, an overflow of remorse for leaving them before and for being away from his mother now. He can’t quite bring himself to feel at peace, apart from in those few still moments when Jens is closest, and he reassures himself that he’s in the right place. 

“These croques better be good, I’m fucking starving,” Jens tells Sander, sitting down next to Lucas and giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. 

Sander merely snorts, looking over his shoulder at him and raising a brow. “What, haven’t had your fill yet?”

Lucas flushes again, hiding his face in his hands as Robbe fails to hold back his giggles and Jens responds with a blush of his own and an order telling Sander to get back to work. Lucas slowly relaxes into his seat, realising he’s going to be given a few moments’ reprieve. It’s enough time for his heart to settle with Jens next to him again, to notice his smile coming easily as he and Robbe make conversation across the table and Sander begins dishing out the food. 

He can regroup, gather his thoughts again before the questioning actually begins. His mother and his friends had helped him think it through before he left, all of them spending Thursday talking late into the night. Lucas had spent half the train ride going through possible explanations for both Jens and his father, and the other half in a state of mindless panic. Both reunions have gone better than expected so far. 

His father had welcomed him home with open arms and only mild berating. They’d sat down and talked about it, Lucas explaining the events from the night of his party and how he just needed a little more time. Hugo had been surprisingly understanding, drawing Lucas into another hug and having lunch with him before heading to his evening shift. 

It had calmed his nerves slightly while only making him more sure that Jens would accept him back so easily. Jens kissing him before they’d even left the skatepark had been a very welcome surprise. 

What came after makes his head spin even now.

“Voilá,” Sander interrupts his thoughts, setting a plate down in front of him with a flourish. “One each because you actually didn’t have that much bread left.”

Jens snorts, picking up half of one as Lucas does the same, toasting them together before both take a cautious bite. Sander scoffs, but watches them intently, waiting for a response. Jens chews silently, but Lucas can’t help letting out a small hum of pleasure, only now realising how empty his stomach is. He doesn’t think any of them will catch on, but Sander’s eyes have already lit up. He makes a sound of triumph as he gestures at Lucas. “Hear that, Jens? That’s how you please him.”

Lucas chokes on his food as Robbe lets out a surprised laugh, leaving Sander grinning and Jens glaring even while patting Lucas’s back. Robbe passes him a glass of water, still tamping down his giggles, and Lucas takes a few careful sips and shies away from Jens’s hand. The suggestion in Sander’s joke coupled with the touch isn’t exactly working in his favour. 

“I could make them just as good,” Jens mumbles, retracting his hand. 

“Can you?” Lucas asks, genuinely curious and slightly hopeful. 

Robbe snorts. “Last time I checked, Jens couldn’t cook to save his life.”

“Aww,” Sander pouts. “Do you want me to give you some lessons?”

Jens simply crosses his arms over his chest, taking a small sulk, and Lucas interrupts before it can go any further. “I could probably make them. I do most of the cooking here.”

Sander smiles as Robbe nods appreciatively, now already halfway through a croque of his own. Jens’s frown deepens. “What, so he’s allowed to be better than you and you don’t fight him?”

“He’s my protégé,” Sander shrugs. “I expect nothing less. He’s always managing to surprise me.”

It’s still joking. Still light-hearted. Sander just looks a little sad as he says it. Jens’s frown melts into something worse and his gaze becomes avoidant. Robbe hesitantly stops munching his food. 

Lucas swallows, dropping his gaze to the table and setting his unfinished croque back on the plate. “I’m really sorry, guys. I want to say that I can explain everything but I get it if you’re just mad at me.”

“We’re not mad,” Robbe shakes his head, gesturing between himself and Sander. “It’s not even any of our business. It was a difficult situation and we’re just glad you’re okay and happy to see you back.” 

He smiles softly and Sander gives a slight nod of agreement, and Lucas relaxes marginally. Then he looks towards Jens. The boy has his gaze fixed on the table, staring pointedly at nothing, rubbing his thumb over a knot in the wood. Lucas presses his tongue to the top of his mouth then swallows, glancing back at the other boys as they glance at each other. 

“We should probably get going,” Robbe says, still smiling. “Leave you to it.”

Sander doesn’t appear to be in agreement, looking more resigned, and Lucas looks at Jens again before shaking his head. “You can stay, if you want to. You can watch something in the sitting room if you want. The TV is already logged into my Netflix. We can join you in a bit.”

The boys share another glance, and Robbe shrugs before giving Lucas a nod. “Okay, cool. Thank you.”

Sander raises from his chair and takes their remaining croque with him, wiggling his brows at his boyfriend. “Netflix and chill.”

Robbe scoffs as he joins him on his feet, blushing as he gives the blonde a slight shove. “What is with you today?”

“Same thing that’s with me every day, Robin.”

Lucas shakes his head after them, amused, before looking back to find Jens now staring at him. Lucas fidgets slightly in his seat. “I thought you’d left. When I woke up and you weren’t there.”

Jens reaches across the gap and takes one of Lucas’s hands, pulling it into his own lap and running the pads of his fingers over the knuckles in a familiar gesture. Then he flips their hands over and traces the few remaining nicks on Lucas’s palm. 

“What happened to this?”

“When I smashed my phone,” Lucas mumbles, resisting the urge to pull away, letting the touch soothe. “It landed upside down and I just picked it up and the bits of glass…”

Jens nods, expression growing pinched, and then he pulls Lucas’s hand to his lips and kisses the fading marks, one by one, and Lucas’s heart clenches. Jens doesn’t say anything, but keeps his hand cradled, and Lucas picks up some courage. 

“She pushed me. That’s how I dropped it. She didn’t believe it was me or even that I was real, I think. Because she woke up and I was gone. I guess it’s something that has already happened to her a few times when she wasn’t doing well and she just automatically assumed.” He looks down at his own lap, unable to look at Jens as he shakes his head. “I went home hoping to make it easier for her and I made everything worse right away. Then I just felt like I needed to stay. I had something to make up for. After realising how much her believing I wasn’t there affected her...I didn’t want to leave. I couldn’t. Not knowing whatever happened after would have been my fault.”

Jens leans forward, tilting his head down in an attempt to catch Lucas’s gaze. Lucas lets him and finds that he has already softened, even while giving a firm shake of his head. “That’s not your responsibility, Luc. It never has been. I thought you knew that.”

“I did. I do.” He blows out a breath. “It just...it took me back to the way things used to be. When they were harder. I stopped thinking.”

Jens licks his lips, looking down as he nods. “I understand that,” he says softly. “But why did you feel like you had to cut me out completely?”

Lucas’s throat tightens, and he shrugs. “It was easier, I guess. To think that I could keep you separate. That I wouldn’t drag you into the hurt. But I know I hurt you anyway and I’m so sorry, Jens. I mean it.”

“You wouldn’t have been dragging me into anything. I _want_ to be there for you. I care about you. You’re my boyfriend. It’s my job to just be there.”

“That’s what I didn’t want,” Lucas shakes his head. “For me to become your job. It’s always been so hard with my mother and I’m not easy either, Jens. You don’t realise…” He trails off, words drying up in his mouth. 

Jens slides to the edge of his chair, scooting closer to look at him. “What? Lucas, you can talk to me. Trust me. Please.”

Lucas swallows. He _does_ trust Jens, but he doesn’t like talking about this. He hates that he hasn’t been able to simply put it all behind him. That beyond what will always linger, it only took one day to drive him ten steps backwards. He needs a little more time to get his head around it again—to figure out where he is himself before he can explain any of it to Jens. 

“I do trust you,” Lucas swears. “I just don’t know what I’m telling you yet. I don’t know how to without scaring you away.”

Jens melts the rest of the way. He squeezes Lucas’s hand. “Everything about you scares me, and it’s only because I can’t imagine losing you. This week was terrifying because I didn’t have you. I couldn’t get to you. But nothing about _you_ could make me turn away. You’re super easy, actually. The easiest part of my life, when you’re actually in it.”

Lucas runs his tongue over the roof of his mouth, trying to push past his dry throat and express his gratitude. “Can you trust me, then? That I’ll tell you when I figure out how?”

Jens nods, then backtracks slightly. “As long as you’re sticking around until then.”

“I promise. I’m never disappearing like that again. I couldn’t even survive a week without you.”

It finally makes Jens crack a smile, lips spreading wide and soft as he leans forward and presses a short kiss to Lucas’s lips. He presses another to his forehead. Then he stands, tugging Lucas’s hand to draw him up with him and pulling him into the cradle of his arms. 

_Here_ , Lucas thinks. _This is where I’m supposed to be. This is home._

Jens hugs him tightly, rocking them gently back and forth as he kisses the top of Lucas’s head. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Lucas sighs, melting against him. His boyfriend. “Too much.”

“So we’re good?”

It should be Lucas asking the question, not a nervous Jens. He hates that he’s hurt him, that he’s made him unsure, and he squeezes him tightly in an attempt to make up for it. “Are we?”

Jens hums, rocking them briefly side to side. “I think so.”

“Good,” Lucas sighs. 

“Come on.” Jens kisses his cheek. “We have some time to make up for. Let’s go pacify Sander, at least.”

Lucas huffs and follows him out. 

**_Saturday, 21:16_ **

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _I miss you. is that bad?_

**jensrolt:** _no. not at all. I miss you too_

_and I’m really fucking happy you can use your laptop for this_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _oh me too_

_my connection kinda sucks though 😬_

**jensrolt:** _I don’t care. you’ve already made me wait a week, I don’t mind a few minutes between texts_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _I’m sorry. I’ll find some more ways to make it up to you ;)_

**_Sunday, 13:38_ **

**Song: _Sista Prod - Eyes Blue Like The Atlantic, Pt. 2_**

“Stop, you’re making me nervous.”

Jens sets a hand on Lucas’s bouncing leg, pressing his knee down. They’re in the same cafe he’d taken Lucas to the first time they hung out, where he gets his usual Friday food, except this time they’re meeting the Broerrrs here for lunch. Sander is also joining, and it had seemed to calm Lucas when they spoke about it yesterday, but the effect seems to have dissipated now. 

Lucas bites his lip and tenses his muscles. “Sorry.”

Jens squeezes his knee and leans against his side, seeking mutual comfort. He seems to crave contact more since Lucas has come back, unable to to go without at least a casual touch. It’s worth even Sander’s teasing, to have Lucas so close. It’s almost amusing, when he realises how Lucas reacts so shyly, reddening even as he molds closer to Jens. There’s no one else to worry about now, so Jens lets his hand slip over Lucas’s thigh. “It’s chill. There’s no need to freak out. It’s just the guys.”

“Aren’t they mad at me though?”

“No one’s mad at you,” Jens reassures. “Moyo was a little wary, but he’s just being weirdly protective. I think he’s trying to make up for last year.”

Lucas purses his lips, nodding, and Jens squeezes his leg again, bumping their shoulders together. Lucas tucks his shoulder behind Jens’s to shift closer, sliding his hand under Jens’s and locking their fingers together. “I just don’t want to be awkward.”

“So stop being awkward,” Jens laughs. “Whether they’re mad or not shouldn’t even matter. I’m not mad. And I’m the important one.”

Lucas huffs, but runs his thumb over the back of Jens’s hand and smiles. “You’re the important one,” he agrees. 

“And you already spoke to Robbe and Sander. So there’s no stress.”

“It’s chill,” Lucas grins, leaving Jens laughing. 

“It’s chill.”

The cafe is relatively quiet, and they’re tucked in the corner away from any other occupied booths, facing the door, so Jens doesn’t feel as nervous about pressing close to Lucas and kissing his cheek. Lucas drops his head onto his shoulder, nuzzling against the fabric of his hoodie and leaving a kiss there. 

“Ugh, no, no more of the lovey-dovey shit, I can’t take it.”

They look up as Moyo slides into the booth across from them, followed closely by Aaron. Neither of them seem truly bothered or surprised by the mini display of affection, already informed of their mended relationship. Lucas sits up, moving away from Jens with a faint blush, reciprocating their nod of greeting. Jens silently mourns the loss of contact and clasps Moyo’s hand, then Aaron’s. It doesn’t take long for them to turn their attention to Lucas, and Jens clasps his hand under the table and traces patterns over it. 

“Fuck, man, it’s so good to have you back. Jens was so boring all week,” Aaron says, without any hello. 

Moyo immediately smacks the back of his head as Lucas shoots Jens a smile. “He wasn’t boring, idiot, he was fucking sad. Didn’t help him having to spend time with you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Aaron asks, tone gone high as he sits back in his seat. “I was nice to him.”

“He is right here,” Jens interrupts, waving a hand at them. Lucas bites down a smile as Moyo quiets whatever he was about to say and Aaron simply slumps down in his seat. “Hello. Nice of you to talk about me while acting like I don’t exist.”

Aaron offers an awkward smile, but Moyo rolls his eyes at him. “I thought you’d be less pissy after getting laid.”

Jens tries very hard not to choke on air as Lucas shrinks down in his seat. He wills the warmth out of his cheeks and searches for a response, but lets out a breath of relief instead as the door opens and Robbe and Sander wander in. Sander isn’t paying any attention to their surroundings, grinning as he says something to Robbe and leaves him giggling. Robbe catches sight of their table and tugs Sander over towards them. It’s enough to momentarily divert the attention of the table, as Sander pulls up a chair and Robbe simply squeezes onto the edge of the bench next to Jens, bumping his shoulder in greeting. 

“Hey. What are we talking about?” Robbe asks. 

“Sex,” Aaron says simply. 

Moyo covers his face with a hand as Jens groans and slides down in his seat, dropping his head onto Lucas’s shoulder. Sander crosses his arms on the table and clasps his hands together. “Ah, one of my favourite subjects.”

Lucas laughs quietly as Robbe rolls his eyes. “Why are we talking about sex?”

“We’re not,” Moyo shakes his head. “You’re just all obsessed. Especially this one.” He juts his thumb at Aaron. 

Jens snuggles closer to Lucas and ignores Robbe’s amused smile, watching Aaron turn to Moyo with a scoff. “You talk about it more than I do and you aren’t even getting any.”

“Maybe I don’t want any.” Moyo shrugs, acting casual even as he focuses his gaze on the table, sliding a menu towards himself. 

Jens watches him, then glances at their friends to check their reactions. Lucas still sits quietly, turning his hand over in Jens’s atop his thigh. Robbe and Sander don’t give much of a reaction, beyond smiles and a shake of the head as Aaron scoffs again. 

“That’s a cheap way out,” Aaron argues. “You can’t win with bullshit. Everyone always wants some.”

“Speak for yourself,” Jens raises a brow. “Not everyone is just horny all the time.”

“Not everyone likes sex at all,” Lucas offers, quiet, and Jens and Moyo share a glance. 

“Yeah, you could be ace,” Sander nods, gesturing at Aaron. “Then it’s not a bullshit argument.”

Aaron furrows his brows, but doesn’t hesitate to take a learning opportunity from Sander. “What’s that?” 

“Ace. Asexual? It’s when you aren’t really interested in sex, or experience any sexual attraction. Hard to believe, Aaron, but for some people even the idea of it is actually kinda disgusting, which I guess is fair enough.”

“Okay,” Aaron says at length. “Then it’s a valid argument, but Moyo isn’t ace, so it doesn’t count.”

Sander simply shrugs, but Jens watches Moyo intently and notices that Robbe is also paying close attention. Lucas has stilled his hand, though he remains relaxed under Jens’s head. Moyo stares at the menu, entirely still, his shoulders having gone tense somewhere amidst the conversation. Aaron takes a moment to notice the heavy silence, the joking smile slowly slipping off his face as he turns to look at his friend. 

“Moyo?” Robbe prods softly. 

Moyo leans back in his seat slowly, picking his head up and licking his lips and still not looking at any of them. “It’s not a big deal.”

The table is quiet. Aaron seems most surprised, while Robbe is a little better at hiding it. Sander sits back and, like Jens, spends more time examining the rest of their reactions. Jens tilts his head to look up at Lucas, but he seems entirely unphased. 

“But you talk about girls all the time,” Aaron tries, having snapped out of his stupor.

“So did Robbe,” Jens points out. “And I only talked about girls. That doesn’t mean anything.”

Robbe nods slightly. “Exactly. You just follow along with what you think is expected of you.”

“Even if it means making out with a girl when you don’t want to,” Lucas agrees. Jens laces their fingers and squeezes his hand. 

Moyo nods along with them, but Aaron still seems confused. “But it doesn’t make sense. That you always brought it up yourself, I mean.”

“Doesn’t it?” Moyo shrugs. “I had a very fixed idea of what normal was. I was fucking shitty about it. I was an asshole to Robbe just because he didn’t fit my own fucking ideal and broke the barrier.”

Sander sets a hand on Robbe’s knee as the brunette shakes his head. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It ended up fucking with you _and_ Jens and it shouldn’t be like that. Whatever I was dealing with shouldn’t have changed how I treated you. You’re one of ours and that means we take care of you, and I fucked up.” Moyo ends his mini speech by slumping back, looking between Robbe and Jens and then further to include their respective boyfriends. “I’m sorry, seriously.”

Jens smiles at him as Robbe leans on the table alongside Sander and raises his brows. “Do we need to return that speech to you now, or have you already realised we’re totally chill with it?”

Moyo finally relaxes, even huffing a slight laugh as he flicks a hand at Jens. “I had Mister Chill himself convince me of that already, yeah.”

“Wait,” Aaron frowns, looking at Jens. “So you knew?”

Jens nods. “He only told me when I told him about Luc.”

“You knew, too,” Moyo points out, nodding at Lucas. 

As Robbe and Sander turn their gazes on him, Jens raises his hands. “I didn’t tell him. Wouldn’t have even gotten the chance.”

“No, I know you didn’t,” Moyo shakes his head reassuringly before looking to Lucas again. “You figured it out before that.”

“I didn’t,” Lucas admits quietly. “I just got the feeling you weren’t really comfortable a few times if anyone was talking about it. I recognised that aspect more than anything.”

Moyo nods, giving him a grateful sort of smile that Lucas returns, prompting Jens to join in and lean up to kiss his cheek. 

“Bro,” Moyo complains. “That was our moment there.”

Jens sticks his tongue out at him, settling into his previous position as Lucas laughs. It’s an unusual feeling, this openness, the ease that seems to have settled through all of them. Lucas has fully relaxed, after accepting the fist bump Moyo offers across the table, to the point that he’s able to casually turn and press a kiss to Jens’s head. Just a month ago, Jens could never have imagined this. Not Moyo looking so shy but pleased, and certainly not a boyfriend of his own. But it seems easier than anything now to keep pulling faces at Moyo while resting against Lucas, and as odd as it is, he doesn’t think he’d give it up for anything. 

“This sucks,” Aaron says suddenly. “Why does no one tell me first?”

Robbe laughs slightly as Sander smiles at him. “What do you mean?”

“Robbe told Jens about you first, Jens told Robbe _and_ Moyo, Moyo told Jens. Why does no one tell me anything?” Aaron whines.

It does make Jens feel a little bad, but he reminds himself it wasn’t intended. He would have likely told Moyo and Aaron together if given the right opportunity. Moyo likely wouldn’t have mentioned anything to anyone if he hadn’t found such an opening with Jens and slowly grown more comfortable with himself. “It doesn’t happen on purpose,” he says gently. 

“I never actually got to tell anyone here,” Lucas points out. 

It takes Aaron a moment to catch on, but then he perks up and looks at Lucas expectantly. 

Lucas leans across the table, beckoning Aaron forward and with full seriousness stating, “Aaron. I’m gay.”

Aaron gives a mini cheer and holds his hand up for a high five, which Lucas accepts with a laugh. He settles back in next to Jens then and presses another kiss to his head when Jens shifts closer. 

“Okay, we’ve completely ignored what we actually came here to talk about,” Moyo points out. “Which is this.” He gestures between Jens and Lucas, and Jens is already shaking his head in protest as Lucas huffs. “Come on, man, you can’t disappear for a week, leave him in a slump, and then not even catch us up.”

“I don’t think Jens is in a slump anymore, if that helps,” Sander muses. 

Moyo points at him, nodding. “See? That’s a good start.”

“We’ve worked it out and we’re good,” Jens says, though he shoots a questioning look up at Lucas, who simply smiles back and nods. 

“Uh huh,” Robbe grins. “Worked. Right.”

“Can’t we have the details?” Aaron gestures at them, almost pleading, and Moyo hums in agreement. Jens only lets him away with it because he understands the other’s need to divert the attention off of himself. He has been open enough with Jens, and Jens should probably return the sentiment. At least regarding this. 

“Can’t we at least order food first?” Jens grumbles. “I’m starving.”

“You’re always hungry,” Robbe rolls his eyes. “You must be happy you’ve at least found yourself a chef.”

Jens hums. “Very happy.”

Lucas shrugs his shoulder to jostle Jens in response. 

“Okay, fine. Order and then I have questions,” Moyo allows. 

“You can ask them now or you could leave them ‘til later,” Robbe says. “We were going to ask if you guys wanted to come out with us tonight.”

“On your anniversary?” Moyo raises a brow. 

Lucas turns towards them, ignoring Jens’s protests. “Is it your anniversary?”

Jens had also forgotten. He isn’t sure he even knew in the first place. He smiles teasingly at Robbe all the same as Sander proudly confirms it to Lucas, who instantly joins Jens’s affectionate mockery by cooing at them. “That’s so sweet,” Lucas grins. “Why would you want us there?”

Robbe shrugs, taking a moment to share a silent conversation with his boyfriend. “We were going to ask because we thought it might get Jens out, but now that you’re back and Moyo dropped his bomb it seems like a nice group choice.”

“Ugh, wait.” Moyo wrinkles his nose. “Is it going to end up being some kind of sickly double-date thing?”

Sander hums, wiggling his brows. “It could be a gays only event.”

“You’re not even gay,” Aaron points out, hitting his arm. “I wanna go.”

“And yet, you’re the only straight one here.” Sander tsks, leaning back as he shrugs. “Sorry, man.”

Aaron gapes at him and falls into an instant string of protests and pleas. 

Jens snorts and turns his attention to Robbe. “Where did you want to go?”

“Uh,” Robbe glances at Sander again. “We thought maybe we could go to the bar.”

Understanding settles in. Jens stiffens. Lucas simply raises his brows, mildly impressed. “Really?”

Robbe hums. 

“What bar?” Moyo asks. 

“Where we had our first date,” Sander says simply. Then, “It’s a bit of a long story, actually.”

Even Aaron offers them his full attention again now, and Robbe purses his lips but doesn’t waver. “Maybe we can actually order this food and then talk about it.”

Moyo instantly nods, offering him a soft smile before spinning the forgotten menu on the desk, drumming his fingers over it. “Sounds good.”

Robbe relaxes, smiling as Jens squeezes his shoulder and they all settle in. It’s all a little strange and a little scary, this sudden bout of honesty from all ends, but he thinks it’s moving them in the right direction. 

He just wishes he knew how to be so open. 

**_Monday, 12:52_ **

**Song: _Will Joseph Cook - Be Around Me_**

“This looks cozy.”

Zoë smiles, raising her brows as she settles down next to Yasmina, who scoots closer to Amber to create space. Lucas smiles back at her from across the table, blushing slightly, but relaxing as Luca pokes his cheek from her place on the table in front of him, leaning back against the wall. 

“We’ve stolen him for the day,” Luca explains, “because the Broerrrs got him all weekend. Also because Robbe left to meet Sander, Aaron ditched with a hangover, and Jens and Moyo are apparently studying in the library?”

Zoë’s brows raise further. “Jens and Moyo? Studying?”

“They probably need it,” Yasmina says simply, leaving Amber elbowing her and Lucas laughing. Yasmina gestures at him. “If he agrees with me I’m allowed to say it!”

Luca nods. “Oh they definitely need it. Yet the one who probably needs it most isn’t even here.”

It takes a moment, and then Amber frowns up at her. “Hey.”

Luca simply pats her head as the others laugh. It’s a little strange, Lucas thinks, being with all of them, and it isn’t quite comfortable but it isn’t bad either. He knows them all by now, has interacted with each on a couple of occasions, but it’s not the same as being with the boys. For his first day back, it’s just a little more nerve-wracking than he was hoping for. 

He’d been hoping to have Jens by his side, really. The week apart has made his need for the other boy stronger, and he finds himself getting anxious the longer they’re apart. He’s constantly trying not to let doubt or worries take over, and that’s always a lot easier when Jens is actually there to distract him. Last night with the boys had been a dream. They’d all been apprehensive at the beginning, after Robbe and Sander had told the others about their previous experience. But it had been nice. They had made a toast to the boys, and the boys had made one for Moyo, and they had all made one for Lucas, and Lucas made one for himself and Jens, privately, quietly, managing to still be overheard and teased. Sander and Robbe had slipped away first, despite it being their gathering, too busy trading tipsy kisses to acknowledge the boys’ protests. Lucas had made his leave soon after, with the excuse of studying, that was immediately given away as a lie by Jens urgently following him. 

Yasmina snaps the book she’d been engrossed in closed suddenly, pulling Lucas back to the table as she shoves it away from her. “Okay. Someone entertain me. I’m tired of staring at these.”

“Coming from you, that actually means something,” Luca raises her brows. 

Amber nods in agreement, picking from her salad. “I think Lucas should entertain us.”

Lucas’s shoulders scrunch up as four pairs of eyes turn to him expectantly. “Uhm.”

“She’s talking about Jens,” Luca informs him, brows still raised. 

“Yeah. Uh.” Lucas flushes, lifts his shoulders higher. “You’ve all known him for longer than me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you.”

“How did it happen? Who made the first move? Have you already been on dates?” Amber asks. “How long has this even been going on? It must be a while, if you’re already Instagram official.”

Is that what that post had implied? Lucas licks his lips. “I don’t know if Jens would want me to—“

“Jens will be fine with it,” Luca waves him off. “We won’t say anything.”

“Let him be,” Zoë berates softly. “He has a point. You don’t have to talk about anything at all, Lucas.”

“Yeah,” Yasmina agrees, looking up at Luca with an exasperated smile and furrowed brows. “Haven’t you already heard enough about Jens to last a lifetime?”

Lucas grins as Luca merely shrugs, gesturing at him. “It’s Jens I don’t get here. You’ve been together for at least a few weeks and he hasn’t wanted to show you off once?”

Lucas flushes, but Zoë interrupts again before he has to think up a reply. “You’re just confused about that because you’d flaunt him given the chance,” she teases.

“Yeah, I would,” Luca tosses her hands up, nodding enthusiastically. “If I had a relationship at all I’d flaunt it.”

“Why aren’t you confused about Lucas, then? You wouldn’t flaunt Jens?” Yasmina asks. 

Luca pulls a face. “Jens doesn’t count. Off limits.”

“But just between us,” Lucas prompts, finally gathering himself enough to join in on the teasing at the mention of his boyfriend. He earns Luca’s full attention instantly, head turning and hands stilling as she raises her brows. “You do think he’s hot, right?”

Hands cover his eyes before he can get an answer and he starts. A kiss is pressed to the top of his head and he relaxes, leaning back as a smile graces his lips. 

“You better be talking about me.”

Lucas grips Jens’s hands and pulls them down around his chest, tilting his head back to look up at him. Jens grants him a kiss on the forehead before climbing onto the bench beside him, keeping an arm around his shoulders as he settles close. Lucas expects to be made uncomfortable by it, for his nerves to pick up, but he feels his fear slip away as Jens grins at the girls and they all smile back, amused but gentle. 

“I didn’t hear an answer yet,” Jens teases, raising his brows as he focuses on Luca. 

Luca rolls her eyes. “As if you need an ego stroke from me. What are you doing here anyway? What happened to your studying?”

Jens shrugs. “Library got too packed. Can’t focus.”

“So where’s Moyo?” Lucas asks, brow furrowed. 

“Bathroom, locker, maybe cafeteria. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know,” Lucas repeats. 

Jens groans. “He was taking his time just packing up. What did you want me to do, wait around and hold his hand? It’s not my fault he’s too slow.”

Lucas bites down a smile as Luca says, “And you were maybe super impatient for something?”

Jens shrugs, not half as bashful as Lucas expects while curling his arm tighter around his shoulders and turning to purse his lips at him, eyes twinkling. “I might have been.”

Lucas huffs, shaking his head and turning away as Jens presses a kiss to his cheek. It earns a coo from Amber and another frustrated toss of Luca’s hands. “Of course, now you’re doing the showing off. What’s with your group and stealing all my opportunities? First Robbe and Sander and now this.”

Jens snorts. “I don’t think you had much of an opportunity in the first place. Unless you’re including Aaron.”

“Ah, no,” Luca immediately wrinkles her nose. 

“Hey,” Amber protests again, slapping her arm this time for good measure. Luca simply rolls her eyes. Amber repeats the gesture then out of excitement and waves a hand at Lucas. “Hey, I was right when we met him.”

Luca furrows her brow. “About what?”

“That it would be like with Robbe,” Amber says. “You’d flirt and scare him away. I was right!”

Lucas and Jens laugh as Luca protests, looking to Zoë and Yasmina for help. The girls merely join in on the laughter as Zoë says, “Outdone by Jens on both instances, Luca.”

Jens shakes with his laughter, holding his free hand up for a high five from Lucas, who takes his hand and squeezes it instead. He doesn’t feel embarrassed by the teasing, as he imagined he would. All of his attention and fascination has zoned in on Jens instead, marveling at the affection he’s offering so openly and the joking he’s able to return, seeming completely at ease around his friends with Lucas tucked into his side. It’s a heady and heavy feeling, admirable and addictive. Lucas is oddly honoured by it, this possibility that Jens is truly showing him off, blatantly flaunting their relationship with pride as the girls eat it up. It has him leaning farther into him with a smile, even as he has to fight back a blush at Zoë and Yasmina’s knowing grins. 

“You couldn’t scare me away,” Lucas placates, nudging Luca lightly.

She points at Jens. “You remember that. He loved me first.”

Lucas pats her arm as Jens scoffs but doesn’t argue, pulling Lucas closer to his side instead. Lucas melts into him and hopes none of them notice, but they’ve all turned their attention to Zoë as she lets out a curse at her phone. 

“What’s up?” Yasmina asks, brow pinched as she watches her. 

“It’s Milan,” Zoë sighs. “He’s been mad at me all weekend.”

“Why?”

Zoë hesitates. “Because I told him I’m moving out.”

“You’re what?” Luca’s jaw drops. “Where are you going?”

“I’m moving in with Senne.”

“What?” Jens and the girls all chorus as Lucas simply sits quietly, left out of the loop. 

“Since when?” Amber questions. “Into his flat?”

“Yeah,” Zoë blushes, but then rushes to explain. “It didn’t work so well the first time because we were living on top of each other. It was too soon. But it’s been a year since then and now we know what to expect, and if we stay at his we can even have separate rooms. It won’t be so full on. It’s just that I have to move this time.”

The girls sit in a rather stunned silence, but Jens merely purses his lips. “I get why Milan is upset,” he says. 

“But I’ve promised to stay with him until they find a new flat mate. I won’t leave them in the lurch. At least I think Lisa isn’t as bothered.”

“It’s not even that,” Jens shakes his head. “Milan has basically become one of us and first he had to let Robbe go, and now you. He’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss him,” Luca points out. “Do you think he’ll still let us come over?”

“Milan will always want us to come over,” Zoë assures, smiling slightly now. “He’s dying to meet Lucas, actually.”

Lucas raises his brows as they all turn to him, trying not to blush and failing. “Why?”

“Well, he’s nosy, so he wanted to meet you since Robbe and I told him about you at the beginning anyway, and then once this was brought into the light—“ she gestures between him and Jens “—he’s basically twice as eager.”

Lucas blushes further, only comforted by the fact that he can recall mentions of Milan before, mostly from Robbe and Sander. All he knows is that the man had helped Robbe through his time of need and his struggles with himself, and it had been enough for Lucas to grow an admiration and distant fondness. He had quietly hoped to meet him, but he hadn’t thought Milan might be reciprocating the sentiment. He hadn’t really thought he would know about his relationship with Jens, either. 

“I think Robbe told him a while ago,” Zoë explains, seeming to sense his confusion. She flicks her gaze to Jens before adding, “With permission.”

“And it’s only Lucas he’s interested in,” Jens says on a sigh. “Typical.”

“Lucas is a mystery,” Luca points out. “You’re Jens. The only new thing about you _is_ Lucas.”

“Still could show a bit of surprise or something,” Jens mumbles, only to be completely ignored. 

Luca claps her hands together. “We should have a moving out party at the flat and celebrate the birthday we missed.” She looks pointedly at Lucas, brow raised in question even as she rubs her hands excitedly. “Did this one even give you any celebration?” 

She waves a hand at Jens, who grows a little somber at the question, grip tightening around Lucas. “We went out last night and it turned into a sort of joint celebration. Sobbe anniversary and happy birthday to Luc.”

“I can’t believe you and Robbe both have hot older boyfriends,” Luca sighs. 

Jens narrows his eyes. “Not that much older.”

Zoë reaches across the table to pinch his cheek. “Just admit that you’re a baby.”

Jens pouts, so Lucas reaches up and squishes his cheeks. “My baby,” he says teasingly, voice exaggeratedly low. They laugh again as Jens flushes in response, knocking Lucas’s hand away, but not before pressing a kiss to it. 

“Did they get you gifts?” Yasmina asks Lucas, though most of her attention lies on Jens, smirking slightly as he fumbles. 

“Free beer, weed, and cake,” Lucas says simply. “Best kind of party there is.”

Luca snorts. “I’m sure you had more celebrations than that that you won’t tell us about.”

It takes a while for her meaning to set in, and then Lucas flushes again as Jens flips her off, leading the girls into another round of laughter. It throws him off a little, how naturally everyone continues to throw out the suggestion, possibly more so because they’re _right_. It still causes a flutter in his stomach, the memory of Jens’s touch, the wavering cadence of his breath, the undone parting of his lips as he’d drawn Lucas into kiss after kiss. It still amazes him, how suddenly he can become aware of the contact between them now and discover a burning ache for more. 

“A party sounds good,” Jens changes the subject, turning teasingly to Lucas as he wiggles his brows. “You deserve to be celebrated.”

Zoë and Amber ‘aw’ at them again as Luca groans, slumping back against the wall. 

“This is gross. You’re making me want a girlfriend more,” she sighs. 

Lucas’s brows shoot up. “Girlfriend?”

“Yeah?” She raises her brows, shrugging slightly.

“Are you into girls?” Jens asks, seeming equally surprised, though none of the girls have batted an eye. 

“Or guys, or both, or neither,” Luca shrugs. “I’ll also take a boyfriend if anyone is offering.”

Jens holds his hand up for a high five, impressed. “Alright, nice.”

Luca snorts, but slaps his hand. “If you didn’t know, your dumbass pals definitely don’t. Don’t be afraid to spread it around, let it be known that I’m available,” she gestures at herself, then turns curious. “Do you think Sander has hot artist friends he could hook me up with? Man, I bet he knows all the cool gays.”

It sets the entire table into laughter, this time, as Lucas and Jens promise to look into it for her and she gives a cheer, this time holding two hands up to high five them both. Lucas settles into Jens as the conversation continues, feeling himself smile and relax, and he realises just how genuinely happy he is to be back. 

**_Tuesday, 16:43_ **

**Song: _THE DRIVER ERA - A Kiss; The Academic - I Feel It Too_**

Jens tugs Lucas into another kiss, unwilling to part. “Can’t believe you’re kicking me out already.”

“Sorry,” Lucas sighs. “He usually doesn’t come home this early. I’d rather hide out with you, but I’m still trying not to push him too much. We’ve been getting on okay, but I’m worried it wouldn’t take much to piss him off.”

“And would I piss him off?” Jens raises a brow. 

“No, no, but me disappearing again would.”

“We’re on the same page, then,” Jens raises his brows, twining his arms around the boy’s waist again and drawing him in. 

Lucas doesn’t resist, smiling softly as he locks his arms around Jens’s neck, drawing him into a light lip-lock, hands shifting through his hair. “I’m not going anywhere,” he murmurs. 

“No,” Jens sighs. “You’re just kicking me out. When I’ve hardly even gotten any kisses.”

Lucas huffs, smile widening as he gives him another peck. “All I’ve done is kiss you since you got here. Even though I wanted to talk to you. I know I still need to explain...to apologise properly. I hate that I fucked this up.”

Jens shakes his head, frowning with his brow furrowed. “We’re here, aren’t we?”

“But I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. It was the last thing I wanted.”

Jens licks his lips, leaning their foreheads together, curling his hands in Lucas’s shirt as he thinks. He can’t quite bring himself to reassure or deny, because Lucas is right. He had hurt Jens, and even now there’s a lingering ache, a niggling doubt in his mind that he’s being played. Always seconds away from being hurt again or left behind. 

But the longer Lucas looks at him like that and touches him like this, with a pained sort of longing, the more Jens feels that trust return. Lucas had come back to him. That feels like enough of a promise. 

“You did,” Jens admits. “But I get it. I know your mom is important to you. I’m not going to hold that against you. It’s just—I just thought I’d done something. That you were running from me more than running to her.”

Lucas is shaking his head before Jens can even finish. “You didn’t. You have no idea how much it killed me to even think about pushing you away. It’s just...complicated.”

Jens swallows, nodding, leaning into him again. He pulls back after a few seconds, watching Lucas’s lashes fluttering, feeling his breath gust unsteadily over his lips. “We’ll talk about it, okay? We’ll talk soon.”

Lucas nods, pulling him down into a hug instead, gripping Jens’s hood in his fingers before moving into a tight hold around his shoulders. Jens tucks his face into his neck and brushes his lips over the skin, linking his hands behind the small of Lucas’s back. It’s comfortable and comforting, already so familiar to them both. 

“Thank you for trusting me,” Lucas whispers. “You mean a lot to me.”

Jens wraps his arms tighter around him as warmth seeps through him. It would be so easy to return the words—there would be so much truth to them. Yet they choke him on the way up, and he can only tilt Lucas’s head back and kiss him again instead, hoping the affection is enough to convey what words can’t. Even if it doesn’t, Lucas seems to appreciate the gesture, pressing up onto his toes to deepen the contact, drawing it out. Jens doesn’t stop him, and he definitely doesn’t point out the fact that Lucas is supposed to be making him leave. 

“You could do me a favour to make it up to me,” Jens says, pulling back just enough to smile sweetly at his boyfriend, who immediately grows suspicious. 

“What is it?” 

“Remember how, when we were all at the bar on Sunday, we were talking about doing a new vlog?”

“Yeah,” Lucas says slowly. 

“Well, we don’t have anywhere to do it this time, and I was hoping maybe we could do it here? Right after school tomorrow when we have time before your dad gets back?”

“Oh.” Lucas barely pauses before shrugging. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“I think Sander’s joining too.”

“Nice. We can make you guys croques while you’re doing all the hard work,” Lucas raises his brows, smiling as he tilts his chin up again. 

Jens leans back. “That brings us to the actual favour I wanted to ask. I was wondering if you might be in it.” Lucas’s smile drops and Jens quickly adds, “Robbe is asking Sander too. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it really would mean a lot to me.”

Lucas seems hesitant. “It would?”

“Yeah,” Jens shrugs, blushing. “I know everyone thinks they’re just dumb, but I actually really enjoy them. It always feels like proof that we just like spending time together whatever dumb shit we’re doing and that it must be a good enough dynamic because there are people who find it entertaining. It’s just, nice to think I’m leaving an impression and I’m involved in something.”

Lucas shakes his head, having softened during Jens’s speech, now trailing his fingers lightly through his hair. “That’s not dumb. I get it.”

Jens’s shoulders droop and he smiles. “So you understand why it would be really cool if you joined us?”

“I do,” Lucas sighs, but before Jens can cheer he places a finger on his lips. “But I have one condition.”

“We’re not gonna tape you to a wall, don’t worry.”

“No,” Lucas rolls his eyes, then gentles again. “I’ll do the vlog. If you talk to Lies.”

Jens blinks at him. “Lies?”

“I know that you don’t want to be fighting with her. It’s been weeks since you spoke now and she has tried to message you. This is dumb. You have every right to be upset, and I’m not trying to tell you to just get over it or anything like that. But this isn’t making you feel better, is it?”

It isn’t really a question, barely even holds the intonation of one. It’s clear Lucas already knows the answer. Jens looks down and shakes his head anyway. 

Lucas presses his hands to his cheeks and kisses his lips. “All I’m asking is one text. I really think it’ll make you feel better.”

Jens bites his lip, then heaves a sigh. “Just one text? And you’ll do the vlog?”

Lucas hums and nods. 

Jens pulls his phone out of his pocket and finds his sister’s contact, ignoring the previously unanswered messages and typing one of his own. 

_I’m sorry for ignoring you. if you’re free to call me sometime soon that would be cool_

He hits send, then flips the phone around to show it to Lucas. Lucas huffs and squeezes the back of his neck. “Cool,” he agrees. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Lucas grins, gives him another lingering kiss, and then resolutely pushes him away. “But you really have to go now.”

Jens sighs as dramatically as he can, but takes a step backwards, clinging onto Lucas’s hand as the last part of contact. Lucas gives his hand a tug, and Jens draws them to his mouth and kisses the back of the boy’s fingers before letting go. “Call me tonight maybe?”

“Sure,” Lucas promises, eyes shining as he waves Jens off. “Talk to you soon.”

Jens ducks back in for another kiss, hearing Lucas’s laugh as he runs back out the door and towards the stairs, calling a goodbye over his shoulder. 

It leaves a little bounce in his step, as it always does, and he wears an easy grin as he begins skating down the street. There are still kinks to be worked out. He doesn’t know what Lucas is holding back from him or why, and it worries him as soon as he lets himself think about it, so he tries not to. He does trust Lucas. It’s not half as difficult as he expected, to give himself over, to devote himself to this, to _them_ , without being entirely sure how much he can rely on it. It’s too easy to think it had been easy for Lucas to leave him, although the boy is doing his best to convince him otherwise. Jens would doubt it if he couldn’t still feel it. But it does remain. The intensity and the ease have both carried through, weathering the storm with no damage done. Lucas still touches him like he may never get another chance, still looks at him like he can’t quite believe his eyes, still kisses him as if he’s on his dying breath. 

Jens has never felt anything like it. It makes it hard to feel upset or angry or unsure. It makes him want to give himself up entirely, to succumb to the wave and let Lucas consume him. 

It wouldn’t matter even if he was still upset. He already belongs to Lucas, heart and body and soul. 

It’s the most terrifying sort of revelation. 

The insistent buzzing of his phone draws him out of it, and he draws his skateboard to a halt. He picks it up and slides his phone back out of his pocket and stiffens at his sister’s name on the screen. He pauses on the sidewalk, tensing at a gust of wind and being grateful that there isn’t any rain as he hovers his thumb over the buttons. He answers and brings it to his ear, under his hood. 

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Lies responds. “I wasn’t sure you’d actually pick up.”

“Me either.”

“Are you outside? It sounds windy.”

Jens adjusts his grip on his skateboard and presses the phone closer to his ear. “Yeah.”

“Are you with your friends, or something?”

“No, it’s fine, I’m just walking home.” He doesn’t have to tell her. She’ll have her own assumption and he wouldn’t have to think about it. “I was hanging out with Lucas.”

“Oh, okay,” Lies says. There is no particular inflection in her tone that suggests she’s surprised or confused by it. Jens supposes there’s no reason she should be. “Just making sure this is an okay time to talk.”

“Yeah, this is fine.” There’s a short pause. “How have you been?”

Lies makes a quiet huff. “I know I fucked up, Jens. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, okay? I just knew how Dad would react. I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”

Jens nods, even though she can’t see him, as relief overtakes him. “It’s chill. We’ll just forget about it. You can catch me up now.”

“Okay,” she sighs, sounding equally soothed. “Honestly there really isn’t much to tell. My job is pretty basic, and the apartment isn’t that exciting. It has two bedrooms but the kitchen and sitting room are one and the bathroom is tiny.”

“That’s what minimum wage buys you, huh?”

“Two wages,” Lies laughs. “I couldn’t do it without Dylan.”

“The infamous boyfriend has a name, then.”

“I know you’re mad I didn’t mention him either, but he’s not all that interesting. Spends half his time complaining about work while he’s at work and the other half playing video games.”

“He doesn’t go to college either?”

“He already has his degree.”

“Ah,” Jens says. “Older guy.”

“By a few months,” Lies agrees. “I think you’d like him alright. Not that I need your approval.”

“Of course not.”

They’re quiet for another moment. Jens walks slowly, scuffing his feet along the pavement, board tucked under his arm. Lies says, “It was weird not talking to you. Like not that we talk all the time but knowing you weren’t talking to me...it was shitty.”

Jens grins. “Did you miss me?”

“Of course not, shithead.”

“That’s better.”

Lies laughs quietly, and Jens’s smile turns fond, and his pulse picks up speed. 

“Lies?”

“Yeah?”

“Lucas is my boyfriend.”

There’s a tiny pause, then a crackle, then, “Oh my god. Wait. You’re serious?”

Jens swallows, flushes, feels relieved she can’t see him. He hums. “Yeah.”

“Since _when_?”

“Just a few weeks.”

“Hang on. So you’ve been dating Lucas, your new friend Lucas, guy friend, for weeks, and you’re only telling me now? And you’re pissed about me keeping secrets from you? _Asshole._ ”

Jens isn’t quite sure if he should, but he laughs. He licks his lips before mumbling, “I think this is different.”

“Well fucking tell me more. Lucas. Damn. Yeah okay, he seemed hot.”

“ _Lies._ ”

“Come on, what’s it like? Is he good to you?”

Jens hesitates. “Yeah, he is. There was a little drama last week, but we’re sorting it out.”

Lies hums. “Drama is inevitable.” She pauses. Jens keeps walking. She speaks quietly. “Have you told the folks?”

It’s a question Jens had expected, but one he still doesn’t feel entirely prepared for. His fingers have gone numb around his board. “Just you, and my friends know now.”

“That’s good. I bet Robbe is happy.”

Jens nods, ignoring the fact that she can’t see him. He stops walking, turning around on the sidewalk to look out at the street. “I don’t think I can tell Dad.”

Lies is silent for another moment. “He might surprise you,” she offers. 

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, I wanna hear about this drama. You can tell me all about it. Anything. But get your ass home. Can’t kiss the poor boy if you get the cold.”

Jens internally acknowledges the diversion, then lets himself accept it. “Aww, it almost sounds like you care.”

“Careful, or I’ll tell Lucas about that time with the peacock at the zoo.”

“I was seven, you can’t keep holding that against me!”

“Sure I can.”

“I hate you so much.”

“Love you too, bi bro. Oh my god. I’m using that every time I hang up on you.”

“Who even said I was bi?”

“Are you?” Lies questions, genuinely curious. Jens stays silent. “Ha, amazing. Alright, baby bi, walk and talk.”

**_Wednesday, 13:56_ **

**Song: _Mark Wavy - Daydreaming_**

“You two are my true loves,” Moyo says, moaning around a mouthful of food as Lucas and Sander laugh. 

They have all situated themselves in Lucas’s small kitchen, cramped around the table, some sharing one of the four chairs. Robbe has settled himself on Sander’s lap, looking entirely comfortable. Lucas can’t quite say he minds it either. He isn’t in anyone’s lap, but Jens is still incredibly close. Their legs are pressed together, Jens’s left to his right, and Jens has his arm slung over the back of the chair, letting Lucas lean against his side. It just means that it’s somewhat harder for him to lean forward for food, so Lucas does the work of picking up a croque and bringing it to his lips. 

Moyo groans as Jens takes a bite, lips curving up against Lucas’s fingers. “I take it back, you all make me sick.”

“You mean, actually?” Aaron asks. 

Moyo turns to him with a raised brow. “What?”

“I mean,” Aaron fidgets, gesturing with his croque to Robbe and Sander and then Lucas and Jens. “Does it repulse you?”

“Aaron,” Moyo sighs, “I’m ace, not homophobic. It doesn’t get me going like it does you, but repulse is a bit strong.”

Sander cackles as Aaron blanches. “What? It doesn’t—I don’t…”

Robbe laughs. “Don’t break yourself, man.”

Jens brings a hand to his mouth, still full, as he tries to contain his own laughter, and Lucas grins at him, leaning back and poking his side. Jens jolts and comes very close to choking on his food. He sends Lucas a sharp look as Lucas stifles a smile by taking his own bite of the croque. 

He has to admit, he and Sander are pretty good chefs too. 

“Is it not weird that there are two actual couples within our one group?” Aaron asks, more genuinely curious than scandalized. “And two who are gay and two who are bi?”

“I’m not bi,” Sander says simply. 

Aaron widens his eyes apologetically and then mends, “Pan?”

Sander nods. 

“How do you know the difference?” Jens asks quietly. 

“Uhm.” Sander takes a moment to think about it, tightening his hold on Robbe’s waist. “I think it’s different for everyone, honestly. I define myself as pan because to me it’s considered more open. It isn’t really that I find guys attractive so much as that I find Robbe attractive, if that makes sense. It could be any person, and gender doesn’t really affect the deal. I don’t have any preference, really? I’m not attracted to girls any differently than I’m attracted to guys. At least, to me it doesn’t feel like I am, but there are probably differences in general.”

Jens hums, tucking his chin over Lucas’s shoulder, silently thoughtful. Sander watches him with his rare seriousness, strong but open, welcoming as he nods at Jens, having entered what Lucas internally refers to as his ‘guru mode’. “Why did you lean towards bi?”

Jens hesitates, and Lucas picks up his hand and traces his fingers until he finds the peace to speak. “I don’t know really. Because I’m not really attracted to everyone, I guess. I’ve liked certain girls, and now I like Luc. That’s all.”

Sander nods, smiling, understanding, and Jens relaxes in increments until Lucas draws a circle around his palm and he settles fully. Robbe seems vaguely impressed, but clearly proud, even as something else lingers underneath. 

Moyo makes a sudden sound of awe. “Wait, is Lucas actually your awakening then?” 

Lucas grins smugly as Jens tilts his head back and groans. 

“That’s so cute,” Moyo crows. “You’re never living that down, man.”

“I was Robbe’s awakening,” Jens says simply, winking towards his friend, who instantIy flushes and makes a protest. 

“You were not. And if you had been that would’ve been extra shitty.”

“Wait,” Lucas interrupts, looking between the two of them, intrigued by Robbe’s pointed look and Jens’s apologetic smile. “What’s this?”

“Nothing,” Robbe says, at the same time Aaron says, “Robbe liked Jens.”

Lucas’s lips part as a somewhat awkward silence settles, and he understands that this is the something else he had seen a moment ago. He can’t imagine how he would feel if he discovered suddenly that Kes could have been a true possibility—but still not for him. He definitely wouldn’t want to be reminded of it. He searches for a way out, then another realisation hits him and he smiles slightly, settling his gaze on Sander. “Is this what the weird rivalry is about?”

Sander puffs his chest out as Jens clears his throat. “Nope,” Sander denies, though even now he raises his brows at Jens challengingly. “A long-gone crush on Jens doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.”

“Hard to beat the fact that I was his first crush, though.” Jens shrugs, wearing a shit-eating grin. 

“You were not,” Robbe repeats. There’s a self-consciousness to him at the moment, a mild discomfort, and Lucas offers him a smile in apology for bringing it up. Robbe simply shakes his head, rolling his eyes at his best friend’s teasing and locking his arm around Sander’s neck, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

“Who is it for you, then?” Moyo asks Robbe, brow raised as he brings the conversation back around. 

“Leonardo DiCaprio,” Sander answers. 

Moyo instantly falls into laughter as Robbe protests again, but Jens has focused in on Lucas. He pokes his cheek and offers a smile once he has his attention, asking, “What about you?”

The attention focuses on him again as he feels himself shrink. He gazes at Jens’s smile, notices the soft brush of his finger over his cheek and decides to answer honestly. “I don’t think I really had one. I kind of just always knew and always denied it. But if anything, Kes is probably when I realised I couldn’t ignore it.”

Jens’s hand stills as his brows raise. “Kes as in your best friend Kes?”

“Seriously?” Moyo leans forward, eyes bright, as if watching an entertaining drama. 

Lucas shrugs, willing himself not to blush. “Yeah,” he admits. “But if any of you ever tell him, I’ll kill you.”

Sander snorts. “You’re over it now then?”

“Very much so.”

“I hope so,” Jens mutters, collecting the croque on his own this time. Lucas pokes his side again and brushes a kiss to his jaw, placating and reassuring, happy that he doesn’t feel weird about it. It’s surprisingly easy to offer Jens affection in front of his friends, especially in order to bring a smile to his face. Jens reciprocates by turning his head and placing a smiling kiss on his lips. 

“Alright,” Moyo claps his hands together. “You’re all just grossing me out more, so that’s enough. We should start actually doing what we came here for. You two still in?”

Lucas and Sander glance at each other, shrug, then nod. 

“What are we doing?” Lucas asks. 

Aaron rises along with Moyo and grins at them. “It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Robbe admits. 

“Wait,” Sander says, “you roped me into this and you don’t even know what this is?”

“Nope,” Jens pops the ‘p’. 

Lucas buries his face in his hands. Jens laughs and presses a comforting kiss to his cheek before grabbing Moyo’s vacated chair and moving to it. Robbe does the same with Aaron’s as the boys return, Aaron carrying his bag and Moyo now holding his camera. Lucas helps Aaron clear the table and make sure there’s nothing in the background of the shot before Moyo starts recording himself. 

“Alright, I know it’s been a while since we’ve seen you, but we’re finally back with a new vlog and we brought some special guests to make up for it.” He pans the camera around, focusing on the four boys sat at the table. “Welcome Sander and Lucas.”

Robbe, Jens and Aaron give a small cheer as Lucas smiles and Sander watches apprehensively. 

“So, our special guests have some special talents, which is why we chose a specific challenge today. Most of you might already be familiar with this, and have watched us do something similar before in one of our most popular vlogs. Aaron, the honours.”

Aaron unzips his bag and dumps the contents on to the table unceremoniously, scattering various brushes and items of makeup across the wood. 

Jens drags a hand over his face. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Now, now, you haven’t heard the challenge yet. Do you wanna hear?”

Lucas certainly does not, but he offers a reluctant nod with the others anyway. 

“Alright, so for this one, we’re going to be judging an artist’s work,” he pans to Sander, “compared to work on an artist,” he moves the camera to Lucas. 

Lucas groans and feels Jens lay a comforting hand on his shoulder as Sander cheers. 

“Why is it this way around?” Robbe protests. 

“Because we’ve already seen Jens in makeup, bro. He can’t be the model again.”

Robbe groans, but acquiesces as Sander claps his hands. 

“Luc?” Moyo questions. 

Lucas looks at Jens and points a warning finger. “If you make me look stupid on purpose there _will_ be consequences.”

Jens pats his cheek. “I would never.”

“Alright,” Moyo cheers. “You haven’t got a time limit but Aaron and I are judging, so make it good. Have at it.”

Lucas feels a severe lack of confidence as Jens and Sander begin picking through the makeup, reading labels and opening various products for closer examination. Sander slowly collects a pile. Jens glances at him, then back at the table, then at the objects in his hands, then curiously at Lucas’s face. 

“Okay, I know I said there’s no time limit, but get a move on, guys. Robbe’s gonna whine about the editing otherwise.”

Jens snorts. “I’m surprised he even trusts you with the camera.”

“I don’t really,” Robbe says. “But at least it’s not Aaron.”

Moyo laughs as Aaron grows offended. 

Lucas leans closer to Jens and examines what he has already picked up, trying not to laugh. “Did you not learn anything from when they did yours?”

“Luc, did you actually see what they did to me? What are you suggesting I should’ve learned?”

Lucas slumps back into his chair and zips his lips. 

It takes a while, but eventually they begin doing something. Sander works with great concentration, tongue poking at the corner of his lips and touches sure as he paints away at Robbe’s face as if the boy is his favourite canvas. Jens is more hesitant. His brush strokes are too quick, either overbearing or lacking in pressure, and Lucas resists both the urge to laugh and to squirm away. He can’t help a few twitches, however. This brings Jens’s hand to his face, fingers gently gripping his cheek and then his chin, adjusting accordingly with the rest of his movements. Lucas zones in instantly on the touch, more familiar with Jens’s skin than the soft hairs of the brush.

They both seem to get into a flow of it, Jens going so far as to drag Lucas’s chair around towards him and scoot forward, one knee between Lucas’s as he continues to work. 

“You can also stand up if it helps,” Moyo suggests, walking around them for a close up, then doing the same to Robbe and Sander. 

Jens hums in acknowledgement and winks at Lucas. “Think I’d get too distracted if I had to look down at him.”

Sander chokes on his breath as Robbe giggles and Moyo’s jaw genuinely drops. Aaron gives no reaction other than vague confusion, but Lucas looks at his boyfriend with wide eyes, vaguely panicked. 

Jens draws the brush gently over his cheekbone. “Relax,” he huffs. “Robbe’s doing the editing.”

“Man, it sucks that he has to cut that,” Moyo sighs. “That would’ve been gold. I mean, I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen Sander surprised.”

Lucas laughs this time, relaxed again as Jens rolls his eyes and leans closer with a palette of eyeshadow in his hands. 

It’s not really what Lucas expects. His heart rate had picked up initially, urging him away from the ‘feminine’ action, but he finds now that he’s barely thinking about it. He isn’t thinking about the camera at all, or the fact that hundreds—possibly thousands—of people will see whatever mess Jens makes of his face. He’s thinking about Jens’s focused expression and his careful hands and just how distracting it might be with the boy stood above him. He curls his hands atop his thighs and ignores how Jens’s lips curl up in a faintly surprised, pleased smirk, clearly having only realised his current effect. 

“My model keeps moving,” Sander complains. He had moved to stand over Robbe, leaning down with rapt attention. Now he simply straddles the chair and lowers himself onto Robbe’s lap, shushing his boyfriend’s surprised giggles without a single pause in his work. 

Jens scoffs, nodding for Lucas to close his eyes. “I’m sure that’s the best way to stop him squirming,” he teases. 

“I hate all of you,” Robbe grumbles. 

“Aww, but you’re looking so pretty, bro,” Moyo says. Lucas can only hear his footsteps coming closer again and assume he’s doing a close-up of Robbe. “See, that’s how you do eyeliner. That’s an artist’s work right there. This isn’t your first rodeo, man.” The footsteps wander closer again and Lucas feels a sudden second looming presence. “Oh, shit, that actually looks okay. Damn Jens, is there something you wanna tell us?”

Lucas gets the opportunity to open his eyes long enough to catch Jens’s blush. “I used to watch Lies a lot when she was still staying at home. For lack of nothing better to do, I guess.”

“Maybe you’re an artist at heart, huh,” Moyo muses, sounding so genuinely impressed that Lucas fills with a quiet pride. It’s probably irrational, and it doesn’t take long for him to shove it down again. “Still think you’re the musician, though.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll leave this to Sander,” Jens agrees, laughing slightly. “You’re my one exception, Luc.”

“I’m flattered,” Lucas says flatly, but he _is_. He’s enjoying it beyond the fact that it’s Jens, but having Jens do it for him does feel extra significant. Lucas finds himself doubting the talent and trusting the process anyway. Jens has a way of making him feel seen. Beautiful in his own right, without entirely regarding his actual appearance. 

He maybe also likes the idea of this particular brand of beauty. He’s curious as he takes pleasure in the process. 

“My model is the perfect patient,” Jens boasts, rubbing his thumb over Lucas’s lip where he’s made a slight smudge, unsuspecting of the smile he’s earning in response. “No, don’t let me jinx it, no smiling until I’m done.”

“I could keep going all day,” Sander sighs. “Even though I don’t believe you get any prettier.”

Jens mocks gags as Robbe says, “Please don’t. Aren’t you almost done?”

“Nope,” Jens and Sander say simultaneously, leaving both their boyfriends letting out a groan as Moyo cackles at the camera and Aaron makes himself comfortable on the floor. 

“This is what happens when we put Jens and Sander in competition,” Moyo tells the yet inexistent audience. “Utter chaos. I can’t wait to see the outcome of this.”

“I expect full payment for my time and services. This face doesn’t come free,” Lucas says, earning a snort from Jens and another laugh from Moyo in response. 

**_Thursday, 20:27_ **

**jensrolt:** _I miss you_

_and before you respond with some smart comment, you know exactly what I mean_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _I know. when dad was never home I was bored and now when I want him gone he’s always here 😪_

**jensrolt:** _my parents are going out tomorrow night_

_if you wanted to come over_

**vanderheijden.lucas:** _seriously?? I get to see inside your house? 🤩_

**jensrolt:** _if you want :)_

**_Friday, 19:41_ **

**Songs: Haux - Something To Remember; SG Lewis - Warm**

Jens’s hands shake as he unlocks the door, nudging it open quietly with Lucas close at his back. He steps into the dark hallway and flicks on the light, dropping his keys on the small table as Lucas shuts the door behind them. Jens wills himself to relax, reminds himself that they’re alone as he shrugs off his coat and hangs it on the hook and allows Lucas to do the same. 

“What did you say your parents are doing?”

“They’re having a date night for their anniversary, booked a hotel room. Lotte’s staying at her friend’s house.”

Lucas hums, tugs Jens around to face him and slides his arms around his waist. “So we’re alone, and you can chill.”

Jens drops his head onto his shoulder and nods, pressing a kiss to the crook of Lucas’s neck. He reaches behind himself to take Lucas’s hands and then leads him into the house. Jens plans to take him on a short tour, but they get interrupted at the first stop. Ace slinks out through the doorway to the sitting room and immediately winds himself through Jens’s legs, gazing up at Lucas warily. 

“You have a cat?” Lucas asks, grinning down at the furball. 

“Yeah, and he can be kinda bitchy, so I’d hold off on becoming a fan.”

As Jens says it, Ace butts his head against Lucas’s leg. Lucas raises his brows, grinning widely as Ace wraps around his feet. He leans down to scratch behind the cat’s ears and earns himself a purr as Ace rubs his head against his palm. 

Jens watches the interaction with a glowing heart. It had been a spur of the moment decision, when Jens had asked him to come over. He hadn’t allowed himself to overthink, but had just jumped at the opportunity. He can’t remember the last time he has had the house to himself, but it certainly wasn’t within the space of time in which he’s known Lucas. Jens had only managed to spend the two nights so far with Lucas due to pure luck. Lucas had snuck him in the first time, and then his father had been working an evening and morning shift the second. They have never got to spend a full night truly alone, just to themselves, and that’s what Jens wants. His body thrums with the need for it even now, having ratcheted up a few notches since last Friday. 

It’s almost unbearable, how much he just wants Lucas’s hands on him. It’s definitely embarrassing. 

He may also be hoping to coax Lucas into opening up a little. Lucas has been a little quiet the past few days, thoughtful. He keeps turning to Jens as if he wants to say something and then stopping with a smile, offering him a kiss instead. Jens doesn’t mind the added affection in the slightest, even while being teased by his friends, even while wondering why it doesn’t freak him out. Lucas touches him and everything else seems to go still. That doesn’t worry him. 

But there are other questions that still cause him concern, and he’s waiting and waiting for Lucas to provide the answers. He’s desperately reminding himself to be patient, to be trusting, but it’s difficult. It’s harder when he fears the faith isn’t being returned. 

It’s familiar. 

“You were so cute,” Lucas marvels, snapping Jens out of his daze. He’d wandered into the sitting room on his own and now stands admiring the photo frames on the mantle. His mouth stretches into a grin, taking in various images of Jens at different ages, none of them all that flattering. 

“Come on, I didn’t bring you here so you could tease me,” Jens protests. 

Lucas turns to him and raises a brow, smirking. “I thought that’s exactly why you brought me here.”

Jens flushes, but doesn’t deny it. 

Lucas walks back to him, laughing quietly. “I’m not teasing, though. I mean it. You’re adorable.” He presses up onto his toes and kisses Jens’s nose. 

Jens resists the urge to roll his eyes at him or drag him into a proper kiss and leads him to the kitchen instead. Lucas traipses after him leisurely, taking everything in, trailing his fingers along the wall. Jens opens the fridge. “Do you want anything else to eat? Or drink?” 

“Uhm, just water, maybe?”

Jens pours him a glass of water and hands it over, filling one for himself and leaning back against the counter before taking a sip. He considers Lucas for a moment and then holds up a finger before slipping out to the back door. He cracks it open and immediately catches sight of Nugget on the step, waiting patiently. 

Jens huffs and steps back, opening the door wider and allowing him to scuttle in and run straight to the kitchen. Jens returns just in time to see Lucas drop into a crouch, face lighting up with excitement as Nugget barges right into his hands, tongue hanging and tail wagging as Lucas sets his hands in his fur. 

“Hi,” Lucas coos, voice taking on the tone Jens has only ever heard people use with babies. “You’re so cute. What’s your name? Huh?”

Jens bites his lip as he makes his way over to him, shaking his head at the display. By now Nugget is scrabbling at Lucas’s hoodie, having raised onto his back paws to get closer. “This is Nugget,” Jens introduces. “Nugget, this is Lucas. I was gonna warn you not to be jealous that I might like him more, but obviously he’s not gonna let that be a problem.”

Lucas grins up at him, entirely amused by his sigh and his pout. “You’re still my favourite,” he soothes. “Even more so now that I’ve met your dog.”

Jens laughs, but he is soothed. He relaxes even further as Lucas raises back to full height and draws him into a kiss. They enjoy the few seconds before Nugget barks, and then Jens is huffing and pulling away, looking down at him with a scowl. “Why did I let you in?”

Lucas smacks the back of his head for the comment, but kisses him again immediately after his whine of pain. Jens goes about getting Nugget his food and water as Lucas sits down on the floor and plays with him, looking entirely at home in Jens’s kitchen. It has an effect Jens can’t quite describe beyond the race of his heart and the flutter in his stomach. They spend a little while in this space, talking quietly about nothing. They discuss their studying, exams, assignments, for a few minutes before shutting it down in the agreement to take the night off. Nugget comes to settle himself in Lucas’s lap after filling his stomach, having already taken ownership of the boy. Jens might actually be a little annoyed if he didn’t feel so fond. 

After a while, he lets Nugget back out into the garden and takes Lucas upstairs. 

He has a brief moment of panic in which he wonders over the state of his room, not entirely comforted by the reminder that he has seen Lucas’s space in utter disarray multiple times. He’s glad when he opens the door and can’t inmediately see a mess or any laundry lying around. He turns to look at Lucas hesitantly, biting his lip as he watches the boy look around, taking in the space with delicate attention. 

He moves around, examining the books on Jens’s shelves, his small collection of old CDs. He roves his eyes over the walls, where football posters are still tacked up alongside some of his drawings. Lucas zones in on these, lips twitching up at the corners as he gets closer. 

“I didn’t know you drew.”

Jens shrugs. “I don’t, really. At least not like you. Not seriously. Just those kind of doodles.”

Lucas smiles fully, nodding. “They’re cool. Maybe you have a knack for art after all and aren’t just a secret makeup nerd.”

“Oh, Robbe already sent me some of the edited version of that. Do you want to see?”

“Really, already? That was quick.” 

“It’s Robbe,” Jens laughs. “He’s always working.”

Lucas nods and Jens nods back, crawling onto his bed and patting the space beside him as he takes out his phone. Lucas settles down against his side, making himself comfortable on Jens’s shoulder the second he’s given permission. Jens pulls up the video and hits play. He relaxes into his pillows, focused more on Lucas pressed against him than the video. Lucas’s quiet laughter is enough of an indicator, and Jens only looks at the phone when he groans, covering his face with a hand. 

“I can’t believe I let you rope me into this. Kes and Jayden are gonna see this and they’ll never let me forget about it.”

Jens huffs, pressing a kiss to the top of his head as he watches the footage. It’s one of the close-ups of Lucas, showing off the smoky eye Jens had managed to give him as he looks up at the camera, shaking his head before Jens stills him, laughing. “You look really pretty, though. I mean it,” Jens adds, before Lucas can roll his eyes or laugh it off. 

The boy blushes instead, glancing up at him under his lashes, smiling widely. “You think so?”

Jens hums, tilting his head down to kiss him, relaxing further. “You always do, though. My handiwork just helped a little.”

“Oh, is that it?” Lucas laughs, leading Jens to hum again. “Okay, I see.”

Jens goes in for another kiss, but something has distracted Lucas. He leans up and away from Jens as he looks at his shelves again. “Is that a keyboard?”

Jens follows his line of sight before nodding. 

“Moyo said you were more of a musician. Why have I never heard you play?”

It’s a simple enough question, and yet it makes Jens nervous. “I don’t know, I don’t really do it as much anymore.”

Lucas looks at him, soft and curious. “Would you play something for me anyway?”

Jens only hesitates for a moment before getting to his feet and fetching the instrument. He settles on the bottom of the bed, facing Lucas, who had leaned back to lie against the headboard as he watches him. Jens balances the keyboard on his lap and takes a moment to turn it on and adjust the volume, pressing a few keys to test it out and give him time to think of a song. 

Eventually he settles on a score he’d learned recently, devoid of lyrics and focusing entirely on the notes. It starts off slow and allows him to get into a rhythm, fingers shaking, fluttering through the first few sections before gaining a little confidence as the rhythm becomes familiar. 

It’s nerve-wracking, being able to feel Lucas’s eyes on him. Having anyone’s eyes on him. But he focuses on the music, and doesn’t falter. 

He floats his hands naturally over the keys, having settled entirely by the time the rhythm picks up. It’s still not the hardest speed, and has a few repetitions, and it doesn’t take quite enough of his attention to make him forget about Lucas. He chances a glance at him when it slows down again, fingers lingering on the keys. Lucas is watching him with rapt attention, lips slightly parted, entirely focused. He looks much too enticing to just be lying here, in Jens’s bed, watching him, not doing anything to distract or attract attention and managing it anyway. Jens quickly averts his gaze down again and falls back into the quicker notes. 

By the time he reaches the high section, his heart is at ease. It flows out of him in the stillness of the room, his pulse matching the ebb and flow of the music as it tapers out. It fills him with a light only music can, a familiarity now long ingrained in him. It’s in his nature, to pour himself out through his hands into the keys. 

He holds the last note for an extra second, then looks up at Lucas. The boy is already watching him with a smile, eyes alight with that familiar wonder and misty with something Jens can’t identify. He crawls down the bed towards Jens and draws him into a kiss, deep and slow, careful of the keyboard in Jens’s lap as he tangles a hand in his hair. Jens kisses back reflexively, heart thudding. 

“You’re amazing,” Lucas murmurs, after a few minutes that may just be seconds, expression still achingly soft. 

Jens shakes his head, incidentally brushing their noses together. “It’s nothing special.”

“It is,” Lucas argues. “You are.”

Jens shuts his eyes and presses closer to him, swallowing around the sudden lump in his throat. They remain there for a moment before Lucas quietly says, “I want to talk to you, if that’s okay.”

It’s exactly what Jens had been hoping for, but it surprises him. His chest feels tight as he sets the keyboard aside and devotes his full attention to the other boy, who now avoids his gaze, nervously playing with his hands. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Jens reminds him. “But I’m listening. Nothing’s gonna scare me away.”

Lucas nods slightly, licking his lips. He lets out a shaky breath before straightening his shoulders and looking at Jens, resolute. “I know you don’t really understand why I stayed in Utrecht, or why I felt like it was my fault when my mom…” he trails off. Takes another breath. Starts again. “I didn’t tell you, but I fucked up before. After my dad left, everything was a little shitty. I couldn’t do it on my own, couldn’t even understand how to begin. I just needed to get away from it. I spent as much time as I could out of the house. With Kes and Jayden, at their houses or at parties, drinking and smoking. It wasn’t a big deal then, because it’s what we were all doing. I wasn’t just some rebellious, angry kid or something.”

He seems to falter, so Jens nods. Reminding him that he’s listening and also attempting to encourage him on. Jens presses closer, letting their knees bump before he takes Lucas’s hands in his own, rubbing his thumbs over the backs soothingly. 

“I didn’t even think about how I was barely seeing her. I was always home late and she was always asleep early. Everything was fine, so I could keep ignoring it. I got home one night as usual and didn’t pay attention to the fact that the door was locked, or that it was unusually quiet. I was shitfaced, so I just went straight to bed. Imagine the fucking shock I had when my dad woke me up shouting the next morning.”

Lucas huffs, self-deprecating, and Jens resist the urge to pull him into his arms. Not yet. 

“She was in the hospital,” he says quietly. “She’d downed half a bottle of pills and the neighbours found her. They’d had to call an ambulance. My dad was still her emergency contact. And I had no fucking idea about any of it.”

He looks up, eyes watery, and Jens pulls him in and holds onto him tightly. Lucas folds against his chest, tucking his head easily under his chin as he clings to Jens’s red hoodie. Jens strokes a hand down his face and presses a kiss to the top of his head, breaking down what he’d been told and trying to figure out how he’s supposed to respond. 

“Fuck,” is what he eventually settles on. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Luc.”

Lucas shakes his head, gripping him tighter. “If I’d just been there, it wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t even know she wasn’t doing well. She was supposed to have someone who could watch out for the signs. She was supposed to be safe with me.”

Jens shakes his head, squeezing him, trying to convey comfort and reprimand all at once. “That’s not fair. None of that is on you. You don’t even know that you could have stopped it.”

“But I could have tried. I could have gotten to her sooner. I could have done _something_.”

It’s so adamant that Jens doesn’t feel like he can argue. He tries to put logic to it, but it doesn’t feel like something that can be broken down in such a way. He doesn’t think that’s what Lucas wants. He isn’t looking for pity or for Jens to excuse him. 

Instead, Jens says, “I understand, Luc.”

Lucas presses closer to his chest, but finally glances up at him. Jens notes that though it had seemed like he would, Lucas hasn’t shed a tear. 

Jens strokes his fingers down his cheek and presses a kiss to his forehead, watches him shut his eyes. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

Lucas nods, swallowing slightly, tilting his head against Jens’s cheek. “I just—it was too hard to explain right away. It isn’t something I talk about often. I mean, it’s been over a year since it happened and she’s past it, but I’m not. It’s dumb. Getting rid of the guilt...it’s something I’ve worked at and failed on for so long. Going back to her now, and messing up the same way just reminded me of what happened then and I couldn’t let it happen again. I’ve tried so hard, Jens.”

Jens cups his neck and tilts his head back enough to press their foreheads together, sending only comfort now as he gives another nod. “I get it. I’m not mad, Luc. I never was.” He sighs, letting his own eyes close as he attempts to gather his thoughts. “It just scared me. I know that I fuck up easily. I say or do stupid things and I don’t always pay enough attention. I’ve made it hard for people before. I was worried I’d done the same to you.”

Lucas shakes his head against his. “Hey,” he coaxes, touching Jens’s cheek. “I didn’t leave because you made it hard and I didn’t ignore you because I don’t trust you. I went home to tell my friends how much I care about you and I fucked up while I was there. I didn’t want to be the reason anyone got hurt, and I thought the best way to protect you was to let you go. But I fucked up and I’m so, so sorry Jens.”

“Don’t be,” Jens murmurs. “Just promise me you’ll stay.”

He has a feeling that they aren’t done. He’s aware that even if there is truly no more to het out of Lucas, Jens has his own demons lingering between them. But right now, Lucas is in front of him. He can’t bring himself to care about anything else.

“I’m staying,” Lucas swears instantly. “My life is easiest with you in it.”

“I know I’m shit at this, too,” Jens whispers. “At talking about things, and just being honest. I know I can make it hard to trust me. But it—it’s been hard for me to trust anyone, too.”

Lucas strokes his cheek, nodding, expression pinched. 

“But I trust you,” Jens admits. 

Lucas swallows. “Nothing is hard with you. You’re the only thing I’ve ever been sure of,” he replies. 

Jens kisses him, hard and unrelenting, and Lucas gives as good as he gets as he slides his hands under Jens’s hoodie. 

**_Friday, 21:07_ **

**Songs: _EDEN - Crazy in Love; flora cash - You’re Somebody Else_**

Lucas traces his fingers over Jens’s skin, mapping out the features of his face slowly. Jens sits still and simply allows the touch, fingers curling against Lucas’s back and then splaying out, pressing into the lower muscles either side of his spine. Lucas traces the line of his brow, down around his eye and the bridge of his nose, over his cheek bone and the shell of his ear, along his jaw, down his throat. It bobs under his finger as Jens swallows, looking up at him with dark eyes, pupils blown and leaving the brown iris as a thin ring. Lucas ducks down and kisses him, slow and thorough, and Jens makes a muffled moan and pulls him further into his lap. 

He tips his head back and Jens follows him, nosing at his jaw and mouthing at his throat with an unusual lack of finesse. He seems to have already surrendered to the sensations, and only melts further when Lucas buries his hands in his hair. It’s strange, that Lucas has no idea what he’s doing on these occasions and never feels unsure. He’s driven by a purely primal instinct, spurred on by Jens’s reciprocating touch and the safety he finds in it. It doesn’t matter if they make mistakes—they’ve already made plenty—because they know they’ll come out of it together. 

The previous time, Jens’s nerves had made Lucas steady, and the opposite seems to be in effect now. Every touch and brush of lips from Jens is sure of itself, strong in their intentions, setting every inch of Lucas alight. It’s this he focuses on beyond the roar of his pulse; the heady feeling of Jens’s kiss, the hitch of his breath, the reverence of his touch. 

Lucas has noticed Jens’s mild fascination with his hands. He has noticed how tactile Jens is in general, even amidst their friends, where Lucas had expected him to shy away. He has come to understand that it’s a self-soothing tactic, when Jens picks up his hand and plays with his fingers or holds tight. It works in that same manner now as he draws his fingertips over Jens’s nape and Jens presses closer, sliding his hands up Lucas’s back, almost hugging him as he settles his head and breathes against Lucas’s chest. 

He has noticed Jens’s fascination and hadn’t really understood. Now, as Jens traces a single finger over the curve of his shoulder, along his collarbone, down the center of his chest and the dips of his stomach to hook in the hem of his boxers, he has his own divine revelation. Jens’s hands are holy. 

He presses his lips to Lucas’s neck, parting them slowly, flicking his tongue at the skin before worrying it between his teeth, and Lucas curls his fingers tightly in his hair. 

“You can still say no,” Jens says, low and throaty but lucid, not yet past the point of no return. The realisation manages to disappoint Lucas slightly. “Any time. You can say no.”

Lucas tugs him into a kiss, just lips on lips, a simple reassurance. “It’s still a yes. If you still want to.”

Jens’s nod is quick and his smile cute, and it makes Lucas laugh, dissipates some of the tension. “We can go slow. Take our time.”

“We can take it slow,” Lucas agrees. Then he kisses him again. “Chill. I trust you. Do you trust me?”

Jens nods again, still brushing their lips, and confirms his answer by leaning forward and tipping Lucas back onto the mattress. Lucas goes easily, trying not to let his shoulders bunch and give his nerves away. He doesn’t get a chance to freak out about being naked in front of Jens, because Jens is lying over him and kissing the life out of him before he can think. It’s easy to get lost in it. It’s comforting, how much Jens seems to enjoy kissing—based on how often he does it—because it’s something Lucas already knows he’s good at. 

Lucas is discovering just how skilled Jens himself is with his mouth. It trails a blazing path down his body and envelopes him in heat. Lucas can only allow it for a few moments before he’s dragging Jens back into a kiss, catching his breath and reminding Jens that they’re supposed to be going slow and that if they continue like this it’s going to be very, very quick. It does nothing more than make Jens grin against his lips, but they take a break to kiss lazily and come back to themselves. The fire in his belly has eased to a slow burn by the time Jens is kissing down his neck once more and slipping a hand between his thighs. 

It’s something Lucas doesn’t realise he wants quite so much until he has it. Everything he has never even allowed himself to think about it has been dragged into the light since he met Jens, and what has followed is a whole string of firsts Lucas never truly imagined he would have. He doesn’t think he ever would have truly wanted to, if it wasn’t with Jens. 

But Jens treats him with an awed, soft sort of reverence. He’s in the realm of unknown with Lucas, and instead of treating him like something fragile as Lucas had feared, there’s a rawness under the gentle casing. Jens watches and listens and learns quickly, until Lucas is grappling at him and asking for more, body alight with need. 

The world narrows down to Jens. Lucas’s vision whites out and he can only focus on the sensation of Jens moving above him and against him and in him, Jens lacing their fingers together tightly, Jens once again pressing his lips to his throat, the sounds Jens tries to muffle there, heavenly broken moans to match the gasps being pushed out of Lucas. Amongst it all he whispers gentle endearments into Lucas’s skin, reassurance and praise and affection all tumbling together in a senseless jumble of words. After the emotional beginning to their evening, Lucas’s heart is already peeled open, and it lets the love flow in and warm him up with ease. 

It’s too much and not enough. As impossible as it is, Lucas begs to have Jens closer. It doesn’t matter that he already can’t tell where he ends and Jens begins. They’re one being, moving together and breathing the same breath, mouths sloppily aligned as Jens shudders and reaches between them and tips them over the edge. 

Bliss comes slow and sharp, rivulets pouring through him in an intense, never-ending wave. Jens sinks his weight against him and shakes, tucking his face into Lucas’s neck. Lucas regains enough of his senses to slide his arms around his shoulders and run a hand through his damp hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. His movements are heavy and lethargic, the rest of him having gone boneless but achy under Jens. He bears it for only a few moments before pushing at Jens’s shoulder, glad when Jens takes the hint and rolls to the side, parting for a moment to dispose of the condom before he pulls Lucas with him. 

Lucas slings an arm over Jens’s stomach and a leg over his thighs, ignoring that they’re sweaty and sticky in favour of prolonging the contact. Jens hugs him to his chest and presses a kiss to his cheek, his temple, his forehead, his crown, keeping his nose buried in Lucas’s hair as Lucas kisses his chest. 

“Okay?” Jens asks quietly, untangling Lucas’s curls. 

Lucas hums, pressing closer with his eyes closed, breathing Jens in and hearing the still-rapid beat of his heart. He isn’t sure he has ever felt this okay. This unwaveringly content. He expects to be filled with a familiar anxiety after baring himself to someone in so many ways, but Jens is still feeding him gentle touches and nuzzling at his temple and giving a low pleased hum that makes Lucas’s pulse thrum. 

“You’re amazing, Luc,” he whispers, a faint breath against skin. It’s laden with enough emotion to make Lucas think it isn’t purely about what they’ve just done, and he’s more sure when Jens presses a drawn-out kiss to his forehead in emphasis. 

Lucas swallows, smiling slightly, still too lax to think much. “You’re not too bad yourself.”

Jens huffs. “Dumbass,” he murmurs, overly affectionate, and Lucas grins and hugs him tighter. 

It’s only a few minutes before Jens begins to squirm in discomfort, not as mindless of the mess as Lucas, who keeps clinging on in an attempt to stave off the feelings of loss. If Jens hadn’t been close enough before, leaving the bed certainly puts him too far away. 

He chucks a tissue at Lucas’s face and Lucas starts, batting it away quickly with a curse and wincing at the spike that shoots up his spine at the abrupt movement. Jens laughs at him, almost doubling over as Lucas lies with his face screwed up. 

“I didn’t use it, dumbass,” Jens says, still chuckling as he slides back into his boxers and pads over to the door. 

Lucas slumps back against the pillows, grimacing as he makes use of the tissue and hears the creak of the bathroom door. He moves to the edge of the bed slowly, searching through the discarded garments for his own underwear and pulling them up his legs. He shivers against the sudden chill, having cooled down quickly after losing Jens’s warmth. He shifts through the items on the floor again before latching onto a familiar red hoodie and quickly pulling it over his head as Jens returns. 

He turns in the doorway, and Lucas doesn’t understand why until he shifts his gaze down and spots the cat trying to slither its way in. Jens hooks his foot under Ace’s stomach and carefully nudges him back out, shutting the door quietly behind him. He turns back to Lucas and pauses, raising his brows. Lucas curls back under the covers and shrugs, muttering a simple, “You left me and I got cold.”

Jens chuckles and heads to his wardrobe, digging out a soft grey jumper and pulling it over his head before returning to the bed. Lucas very carefully does not bemoan the loss of visible skin. He’ll be happy enough to get his hands on him again. 

It’s entirely unsatisfactory to watch Jens stop at the edge of the bed instead. He does, however, lean over Lucas enough to pet a hand through his hair and kiss his cheek, looking over him as if searching for injury until Lucas catches his hand and gives it a squeeze. Lucas looks up at him, pulling back the covers, and Jens hesitates. “You don’t want to use the bathroom?”

Lucas blinks. “I don’t think so?”

“Not even to brush your teeth?”

Lucas instantly cups a hand over his mouth. “Does my breath smell?”

Jens shakes his head, but his lips are pursed as if to hold back a smile, and Lucas clambers out of the bed quicker than he probably should. Jens sets hands on his waist to steady him, then pulls him into a brief hug. Lucas melts against him, letting Jens knead the muscles in his back. “You’re definitely okay?”

“I’m fucking amazing,” Lucas mumbles, earning a quiet laugh. “Seriously, you can stop stressing. It was good. You seemed to know what you were doing.” He raises a brow. Jens flushes but simply laughs in response, giving him a soft peck before nudging him towards the door. Lucas goes on wobbly legs, sliding a hand along the wall to steady himself once he’s close enough. 

Ace is lying against the wall outside the door, and he gazes up at Lucas judgmentally as he slips out and closes the door behind him. “Sorry,” Lucas murmurs, resisting the urge to pat his fluffy head as he makes his way to the bathroom. He’d brought his own toothbrush, knowing he was staying the night, and it’s waiting for him in a cup on the sink. 

On the way back he leans down and scratches Ace behind the ears, smiling as the cat purrs and leans into his palm. Lucas strokes his hand down his back a few times and then gets to his feet. 

When he enters the room, it takes a moment for his sight to adjust from the bright light of the hallway to the dim glow of the lamp. Jens is sitting on the far side of the bed. He greets Lucas with his usual soft smile, though there seem to be some nerves in it. It sets alarms blaring in Lucas’s head until he gets closer and notices the small wrapped gift in his boyfriend’s lap. 

He climbs into the bed next to him, not getting quite as close as he wants as he raises a brow. 

Jens clears his throat. “I know I missed your birthday, and you probably didn’t expect to be getting anything now, but I had this in mind before...before you messaged me that day. It’s not a lot, or anything, but when you came back I still wanted to give you something. I just haven’t found the right time. Until, well.”

He presses his lips together and presents the gift to Lucas. 

Lucas takes it carefully, heart swelling. He glances at Jens as he begins tearing it open, noting the obvious apprehension in his face. It’s a small, smooth box, and Lucas is fairly sure of what’s inside even before he cracks it open. 

A thick, shiny silver band sits encased in velvet. Lucas runs the pad of his finger over it, feeling the smooth metal and the emotion clogging his throat. He pulls it out of the box and it glints in the light, letting his eye catch on the four small letters engraved in the inside. 

_Sure._

“I was going to get our initials, but that felt kind of weird,” Jens rubs the back of his neck. “I didn’t know what else to get when it was small, so…I tried to think of something you’d understand anyway. Sander took me to get it, so I think it’s the same as his.”

Lucas slides the ring onto his finger and finds that it’s the perfect fit. He twists it around a few times, staring at it, swallowing before looking back up at Jens, who is somehow still nervous. 

“Do you like it?” he asks hesitantly. 

Lucas sets the box aside and draws him into a kiss in response, lips pressing languidly together as he fits himself back into Jens’s space. Jens slides down and takes Lucas with him, settling them on their sides once more, never once disconnecting their lips as he cradles Lucas’s head in his hand. They keep the kiss slow, a few soft caresses between their mouths, and then Lucas leans their heads together. 

“I love it,” he admits, tracing his finger over Jens’s lips as they turn up in a smile, thinking _I love you_. “Thank you.”

Jens grins, kissing him again as he winds his arms around his waist. “Happy belated birthday,” he murmurs. 

Lucas hides his face in his neck as he smiles, letting Jens curl them together again, slotting one leg between Lucas’s as he draws him close. Lucas feels a peace settle over him that he can never recall experiencing before. It’s a talent of Jens’s, it seems. He’s able to calm Lucas’s heart as easily as he can get it rushing, and it’s a talent Lucas treasures. It feels as if the world hasn’t quite opened back up. It’s still just him and Jens, encased in their own bubble in their own miniature universe, safe in the home they’ve created for themselves. 

He’s almost sure that Jens feels the same, as the rise and fall of his chest eases below Lucas’s head, evening out into a steady rhythm of sleep. Lucas curls closer and lets the beat of his heart lull him into a similar state, dozing off with unfamiliar ease. 

He wakes into darkness an indiscernible amount of time later. They’ve shifted in their sleep, Jens turning away from him but still tightly gripping the hand Lucas has wrapped around his chest. Lucas snuggles against his back, nosing at his nape, taking a few breaths as he settles back down without considering what may have woke him. 

The door opens suddenly and light floods the room, and Lucas bolts up as Jens groans. 

The shadow of a man stands frozen in the doorway, taking in the scene with nothing showing on his face. He’s a tall figure, not quite the height of Jens, with piercing blue eyes and a dark stubble. Lucas hears a sharp breath, but can’t look over to where Jens has come to life next to him, having gone stiff with shock. There are a few instants in which none of them move, and Lucas’s heart rabbits in his chest, and then there’s an explosion of motion. 

Before Lucas can understand what’s happening, he’s being dragged bodily off the bed and landing hard on the floor. He barely manages to stop his head from banging against the wood, but his tailbone gives a sharp protest and leaves him crying out anyway. He looks up in shock at the man stood over him, face now a picture of fury as he reaches down and grips Lucas by the collar of Jens’s hoodie. 

He’s being ripped away before he can pull Lucas up more than a few inches, Jens dragging him back with a sharp, “Don’t fucking touch him.”

The man whirls around and slaps him, a single harsh crack across the cheek that has Jens stumbling back a step. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he roars. “Bringing this filth under my roof? My own son!” 

Lucas scrambles to his feet, mouth still hung open in shock but attempting to wedge his way between them still. The man, evidently Jens’s father, shoves him away without a single glance and reaches for his son again. 

“Speak,” he barks. “Or at the very least get him the hell out of my sight.”

Jens’s lips part, forming words he can’t voice, and Lucas aches as he reaches out for him. Jens forcefully shakes his head and bats his hands away. 

Lucas stands, stunned, as Jens stares at him and croaks, “Go.”

It’s impossible. Lucas tells himself he hasn’t heard right as he slowly shakes his head, eyes flicking to the man again, who trembles with thin restraint. He swallows down the bile in his throat, the wave of panic creeping up on him, and straightens his shoulders to hide his fear. “Jens,” he tries. 

Jens is already shaking his head and taking a step towards him. “Just leave.”

“No,” Lucas argues, voice barely audible, quivering as he tries to ignore the looming presence. He’s staring at the growing red mark on Jens’s cheek and feeling faint. His fight instincts are managing to overpower his flight, as every fiber of his being begs him to protect the boy in front of him from harm. “I can’t.”

“Lucas,” Jens warns, low and constrained, in a tone Lucas has never heard before. 

“I’m not leaving you,” Lucas resists, every part of him rebelling against the mere idea. 

Then Jens is stepping closer again and shoving him with a snapped, “Go. Get the fuck out!”

There’s no force in it, but Lucas stumbles back and barely manages to stay on his feet. He knows if he had been prepared it would barely have moved him, but the shock of it is overwhelming. He’s cast back to two weeks before, when the same simple gesture had left him cracked and bleeding. He feels that way now as a cavern opens in his chest, while he stares at Jens and sees nothing familiar. 

All the warmth has seeped out. Jens looks at him with steel, eyes hard and unflinching, and Lucas cowers away from it and the rush of his blood roaring in his ears. His chest feels tight and the air around him feels static, impossible to breath in as he stares and stares at Jens and sees nothing he knows. 

Jens collects the discarded items of his clothes from the floor and shoves them into his hands, pushing him back another step in the process. His expression still hasn’t changed. Lucas shoots a glance over his shoulder, to where his father still watches, silently seething. 

“Come with me,” Lucas begs, giving it one last go in the hopes that he can salvage something. That his universe hasn’t entirely crumbled. “Please, Jens.”

Jens straightens his spine and otherwise doesn’t move. 

Lucas chokes down a sob, flicking his gaze between the two of them as he slowly backs towards the door. He can’t leave. He doesn’t want to. His heart is kicking and screaming in protest, still focused on that red mark. He meets Jens’s eyes, still cold. He wants to stay. He needs to stay. 

The memory of Jens’s hands on his shoulders, shoving him away, plays on a loop. 

There’s no fight left in him. 

He flees, only pausing to pull on his jeans at the bottom of the stairs. He stuffs his feet quickly into his shoes and barely remembers to collect his coat and bag as he makes his way out the door and runs down the street, further and further away until his nerves have eased but his ears are ringing. His coat sits awkwardly around his shoulders and does nothing to protect him from the rain. He’s carrying the sweater he’d arrived in in a ball in his hands, still wearing Jens’s hoodie. 

How did he end up here? 

What just happened? 

He slows into a walk, lost as he wanders down the dark street, head spinning as his breath comes in sharp pants. He falls to his knees on the pavement, curling his head down towards the ground as sobs begin to escape him. He curls his hands into his hair and tugs in an attempt to ground himself. The cool metal of his ring brushes against his skin, and he screams into the dark.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are the warnings for this chapter by clip!
> 
> Saturday 10:52 - further depictions of homophobia and violence (still mild)  
> Tuesday 18:47 - panic attack near the end of the scene (after Lucas reads the messages)  
> Thursday 15:24 - panic attack  
> Friday 21:21 - alcohol/substance use and vomiting (very vague and brief)

**_Saturday, 10:52_ **

**Songs: _Wrabel - The Village; Glass Animals - Gooey_**

Jens rolls onto his side and curls into a ball. He’s been hidden away in his room all morning, not allowing himself to leave. 

Well, he’d tried, but his door is locked from the outside. 

It has been since the previous night, when everything had imploded. He’d been so, so stupid. So reckless. He’d been so fixed on the idea of a night with Lucas, alone, in his own space. He couldn’t ignore the opportunity once it was presented. The definite advantages outweighed the unlikely consequences. He was aching for any opportunity, any slot of time with Lucas. Everything in him begged for the little slice of freedom. 

It had been everything he’d wanted and more. Better than he could have imagined. Lucas is better than everything he has ever wanted. He couldn’t believe how easy it was. He couldn’t believe how good it felt. 

It only makes sense that it hadn’t lasted. Nothing with Jens ever does. 

His cheek still stings, and he presses it harder against the pillow in retaliation, warding off the memory as best he can. It isn’t the act of violence or the screaming that haunts him. It’s the instants after, when he had turned to Lucas with overwhelming fear and been forced to block him out. It’s the expression on Lucas’s face as he’d stared at him—shock and pain and _fear_ , but of Jens. Lucas had looked at him like he hadn’t known him at all. 

Jens isn’t sure he knows himself. 

He doesn’t know what had come over him, what part of himself had taken over and allowed him to break himself apart. Something snapped when he’d pushed Lucas, a delicate thread between them severed. He’d somehow known that it would make Lucas run, and it was what he’d needed. It was all he’d needed. 

Even now, he’s having to remind himself that Lucas is safe. Hurting, but safe. Jens has done what he needed to, and Lucas is protected. 

It doesn’t matter how much Jens wishes he was here with him, or that he could have gone with Lucas. It’s better like this, when he knows Lucas is entirely out of harm’s way. 

He just wishes he could make sure he’s okay, message and apologise, but he is, of course, being denied access to his phone. It’s not healthy, he thinks, to be unsurprisingly imprisoned in his own home. This feels almost easy, compared to what he expected, and also ten times worse. He could have dealt with his father getting the anger out of his system and kicking him out. 

He hadn’t really prepared for being locked in, especially not after having what was both the best and worst night of his life thus far. 

Apparently, his mother had been sick. Something they ate, or everything they drank. Instead of staying the rest of the night in the hotel, she’d been throwing up after midnight and begging her husband to drive them home. She’d gone straight to bed, but his father had seen Lucas’s jacket and bag in the hall. 

If Jens had just been more careful. If Jens had just thought a little. 

He reaches for the pillow he isn’t using, on the outside of the bed. Lucas’s pillow. He tugs it a little closer, bringing it to his nose, searching for any lingering comfort and finding a vague scent. It isn’t quite enough, so he hugs the pillow to his chest and buries his face in it instead, trying to recall the feeling of Lucas similarly pressed against him. It’s surprisingly easy. Lucas feels ingrained in him, everything from his touch to his smile to his voice, all a constant presence in Jens’s mind, able to be brought to life with the faintest thought. Currently, it feels like both a blessing and a curse. 

He grips the pillow tighter and squeezes his eyes shut, burying himself closer and sending up a silent prayer. Lucas is the only religion he has ever truly had faith in. 

_Maybe,_ he tells himself, _this is the dream. The nightmare. Maybe you haven’t woken up yet. Maybe he’s still in your arms._

The lock turns and he abandons the pillow to scramble to his feet, coming to a dead stop in the middle of his room as his father swings the door open. He looks, for all that Jens can discern, entirely normal. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of anger. Jens finds himself shrinking away regardless. 

“Is there a reason you didn’t call for breakfast?” Vince raises a brow. “Now you’re going to have to eat cold food separately.”

Jens swallows even as silent rage claws at his chest. He says nothing. 

“Don’t tell me he took your tongue with him,” Vince prods. 

“Don’t,” Jens says quietly. “Don’t talk about him.”

Vince squints at him, then raises the keys in his hands and gives them a faint jiggle. “Do you think you’re in a position to be giving orders?”

Jens stays quiet. 

Vince takes a few steps into the room, stopping about a foot away from his son with a sigh. “Don’t treat me like the enemy, Jens. I’m just trying to help.”

“By doing what?” Jens finds his voice. “Keeping me prisoner, starving me, or hitting me?”

The man takes another step closer and Jens takes one back. He watches closely as his father’s hands curl into fists. “You’ve hardly starved. And you can go anywhere you want, as soon as I’m sure this boy won’t be near you. I understand, Jens.” He tries a step again, and Jens holds his spot, stuck in place by the sincerity in Vince’s tone, in his utterly calm expression. “It’s easy at your age to get confused. But I won’t let them corrupt you, alright? You can come back from this.”

He reaches out a hand and Jens freezes, but Vince merely picks a piece of fluff delicately off his shoulder before laying his hand there. 

Jens shoves it off as fury bubbles in him. “Bullshit,” he spits. “I’m not the corrupt one, and I’m not confused. I know exactly what’s happening here.”

He trembles through the words, but is gratified that his father can’t feel it. He isn’t sure if it’s from his anger or his fear or his shame, but he puts it down to a combination of the three. It’s easy, to stand strong and say the words and act sure, pretending none of it gets to him. It’s almost satisfying, to watch Vince’s lips twist in thinly veiled rage. 

“So then you know,” the man says lowly, “that it’s in your best interest to check the attitude.”

“Or what?” Jens bites. He’s taller once he manages to straighten his spine, and Vince notices. 

It earns him a sharp blow across his already red cheek and a threatening finger pointed in his face. 

“Don’t push it,” Vince hisses. “I can easily do worse.”

Jens pushes him instead. He shoves him aside and bolts out the door, racing down the stairs, heart thundering at the footsteps coming close behind. He makes it to the bottom hallway, mere meters from the door, when a hand snatches the back of his hood and yanks him back. He stumbles, hand raising instinctively to his throat at the sharp jab as a heavy hand whirls him around. Vince only manages to open his mouth before another voice interrupts them. 

“Vince! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” 

Ellis Stoffels moves to part them, hand pressing against her husband’s chest and pushing him back as she glances between them in bewilderment. Her gaze catches on Jens’s cheek and her eyes widen, but she doesn’t reach out. 

Jens doesn’t waste any time. He rushes to the doorway and shoves his feet into his shoes, collecting his keys from the table and his coat from the hook. At the sound of movement, he turns around to see his father attempting to get to him and his mother blocking the path. 

“Vince,” she repeats. “Calm down and tell me what the hell is going on.”

It’s a little terrifying, to watch her there, too close to hands Jens now recognises as violent. He wants to reach out and drag her out the door with him, after returning for Lotte. His heart races as the man’s attention turns towards her, but his fury is quiet as his shoulders drop. 

Without answering her, he looks over her shoulder at Jens, still frozen in the doorway, caught in sudden hesitation. 

“Go on then,” Vince spits. “Run to him. Ruin yourself. Or what are you going to do, Jens?” 

Jens straightens his shoulders, even as his heart cracks when his mother turns towards him. He’s sad to realise that it feels unusual to look her in the eye, and her concern is unfamiliar. “Jens?”

Jens clenches his jaw and pulls the door open and runs. 

His mother calls after him, screaming down the street in confusion, and Jens keeps running. He half expects his father to follow, but he keeps going, making it to the end of the street and around the corner and to the end of the next street before he looks over his shoulder. There’s no one there. 

He pushes himself on, anyway, making it another street and a half before he slows, lightening his pace to a jog and then a rapid walk. He’s still shooting the occasional glance over his shoulder, but he’s made it onto the busier streets, where a few people are wandering about their business and coming in and out of shops and cafes and shooting him odd looks. He isn’t surprised. He can only imagine how he looks. 

The stone benches along the street look incredibly inviting, and he collapses onto one and gasps for breath and takes in his surroundings. He at least knows where he is, on the fringes of the city outside a familiar, small supermarket. It’s raining, and he tugs his hood up over his head and zips up his coat and puts his hands in the pockets. 

It’s then that he realises how stupid he’s been. 

He’d left without his phone, and he’d left without any money or clothes or belongings on general. He just left; and it’s highly possible Vince didn’t chase him because he expects him to come back. 

Jens knows he can’t do that. 

His immediate desire is to run to Lucas. It would be easy. His flat isn’t even far from here. Lucas wouldn’t turn him away, he’s sure of it. His father would be an issue, but not the way Jens’s is. Lucas would take him in and they’d figure it out. 

Is it certain, that just because his father isn’t chasing him now, he won’t later?

It’s a risk Jens realises he isn’t willing to take. Not endangering Lucas. It also, he realises, rules out Robbe. Maybe he’s being too scared, but the thought of Vince showing up on either of their doorsteps because of him makes him feel sick. The thought of the man coming near Jens himself makes his throat close up. 

He can’t breathe. His cheek stings. His head is foggy and his ears are ringing and his heart is pounding and he can’t breathe. 

A touch on his shoulder makes him start, violently flinching away from a young, thin woman with straight blonde hair and wide eyes. “Sorry.” She holds up her gloved hands, placating, and carefully lowers herself onto the seat next to him, brow furrowed in concern. “Are you alright?”

Jens has never seen this woman before in his life, but she doesn’t seem untrustworthy. In her long green coat and black trousers and heels, she reminds him oddly of Lies. 

He licks his lips and takes a few seconds to find his voice, though it still comes out on a croak. “Not really.”

“Can I do anything?” she questions gently. “You seemed like you were having a panic attack.”

It makes Jens pause, but only slightly. He brushes the thought away and asks, “Could I maybe use your phone?”

She nods immediately, slipping her phone out of her pocket and unlocking it before passing it over. “You want to make a call?”

Jens nods. 

“Okay, I’ll stand just over here,” she points towards the shop, under the awning, “and you can give it back when you’re done and tell me if there’s anything else.”

As she stands, Jens can only nod again, overwhelmingly grateful for this stranger. She offers him a smile and goes to give him his privacy, and Jens looks at the phone and opens the call pad. 

He types in one of the only numbers he knows by heart and brings it to his ear. 

The worry that it’ll ring out dissipates after seven excruciating beeps, when the call connects and a familiar voice answers, “Hello?”

Jens breathes out and squeezes his eyes shut, fingers clenching tight around the phone. “Lies?”

**_Sunday, 14:34_ **

**Song: _Haux - Fever In The Night_**

“This is fucking frustrating.”

Aaron and Robbe nod in agreement at Moyo’s words, but Lucas can’t quite find the energy. He keeps his head resting against Sander’s stomach as Sander adjusts a few of his stray curls. The bleach-blonde boy sits behind him atop the wall, letting Lucas lean back against him. Robbe sits next to Lucas, in front of Moyo, with his head leaning against his boyfriend’s knee. 

It’s a little bit of a comfort, to be surrounded by them all, even with the chill coming from the water of the Scheldt, but it doesn’t feel right. There’s an absence that none of them can ignore. 

It’s all Lucas can think about. 

“You haven’t heard from him at all?” Sander asks again, not directing the question at anyone in particular. 

“Nothing,” Robbe mumbles, rubbing a hand over his face, which is pale with exhaustion. “I’ve messaged him on every possible platform, but it doesn’t seem like he’s even receiving messages.”

Moyo nods, grimacing. “Aaron and I are the same.”

“I can’t even send him a proper fucking text,” Lucas mumbles, leaning away from Sander but staying sat between his legs. He twists his ring around his finger and feels his throat tighten. Sander doesn’t acknowledge the movement or touch him in any other way, and Lucas is grateful. 

Robbe looks over at him. “It’s okay, Luc. You need to let yourself off the hook a little.”

“How can I?” Lucas demands, voice tight. “This whole thing is my fault.”

“It’s not,” Sander argues, unbearably gentle. “You were just in an impossible situation. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I left him there.”

“He told you to,” Aaron points out, faltering as he earns their attention. “I know you already argued about that, too, but it wouldn’t have helped when...like, it sounded scary. And you didn’t know if staying would have made it worse.”

Lucas allows himself to lean back against Sander again, who instantly rubs his shoulder in return. Robbe squeezes his arm. “He’s right. Jens wouldn’t have wanted you to be any more involved.”

“It doesn’t matter what Jens wanted,” Lucas points out, hating how weak he sounds, too filled with emotion. “He’s not safe.”

Sander tightens his grip on his shoulder and Robbe shifts closer to them both as Moyo and Aaron go quiet. It still feels like an impossible situation, and it gets worse with every second in which Jens seems out of reach. Lucas hasn’t been able to sleep. He’s barely been able to breathe, since spending too long in the cold and sneaking into his apartment too late. This is the first time he has managed to leave it since, scared into holing himself up in his room, constantly staring at the screen of his laptop. He has sent countless Instagram messages in the hope that Jens will respond, and like the others has received a worrying radio silence. 

“He should be at school tomorrow, right?” Moyo asks, though he seems to doubt himself. “They won’t make him miss his exams.”

Lucas swallows, shakes his head slightly. “You didn’t see him. I’ve never seen anyone that angry. I don’t know what they’d do and I don’t like this waiting to find out. If he doesn’t show up tomorrow, what then?”

Robbe carefully takes his hand and gives it a tight squeeze. When Lucas doesn’t pull away, he meets his gaze, suddenly sure and steady. “We won’t let that happen. We’ll go and get him out if we have to. Now.”

Lucas raises his brows, hopes suddenly lifting, but Sander speaks up in protest. 

“Are you serious? Neither of you are going there for that asshole to get at you. That would be the last thing Jens is aiming for.”

“You can’t go, either, then,” Moyo points out. “I’ll do it. Apparently he likes me. Or what he thinks I’m like.” 

“Macho Moyo, you mean,” Aaron says, not quite light enough to be teasing. 

“I’ll just go and pretend we had plans. Get in and figure it out from there.”

“What if his dad figures you out?” Lucas asks. 

Moyo shrugs. “He can do whatever he likes. I’m not fucking scared of him. It’s Jens I care about. If he’s in there then I’ll get to him.”

The rest of them consider this silently, equally reluctant and eager. The prospect of simply knowing for sure that Jens is okay seems too good to pass up. Lucas can’t bring himself to protest, at the very least. 

“I could come with you,” Aaron offers. “He doesn’t even know me, I don’t think.”

Moyo shakes his head, lips pursed. “No offense, man, but you’re not the best liar. I’ll be fine, seriously. You all just need to chill.”

That also seems impossible. Lucas is used to lacking chill, when he isn’t around Jens. With Jens cut off from him completely, he feels entirely out of control. Robbe doesn’t seem much better off, though he appears to be thinking a little more clearly than Lucas. It’s taking a toll on him all the same, likely bringing up memories he has still just begun to work through as well as causing him to worry about his best friend. Lucas bets it’s a situation Robbe has never imagined he would be in. 

His assumption is confirmed when Robbe tiredly speaks up again. “It’s driving me crazy that I didn’t know about it. His dad was kind of always funny around me, and he said a bunch of stupid shit, but I never thought that he…” 

He trails off, unable to voice it and bring it to life as Lucas had struggled to. The first thing he’d done yesterday was message Robbe, who had immediately spoken to him through video call along with Sander. 

“Me either,” Lucas says. “I knew they kind of had problems, but I thought it was just a normal thing. Like he was getting on his case about school or something. It’s obvious he didn’t know before then, but I have no idea how long he’s probably been giving Jens hell without even fully realising.”

Robbe simply grows sadder, pressing closer to Sander and squeezing his eyes shut as his boyfriend cards through his hair. This time, Lucas gives his hand a squeeze, and Robbe offers him a grateful smile. 

Moyo climbs down from the wall, standing in front of them with more confidence. “Alright, there’s no point driving yourselves crazy over this now. Are we going to sort this out?”

Robbe and Sander nod and both guide Lucas up, and they collect their things before following Moyo and Aaron. They barely make it out of the park before Lucas’s stomach starts churning. His steps are slow, subconsciously holding him back, and he finds himself falling behind. Robbe notices after just a few steps and wraps an arm around his shoulder, slowing his pace to match. Sander falls back alongside them, and they follow a few paces behind Moyo and Aaron. Aaron splits from them on the way, having previously made plans with Amber and assuring they can catch the girls up. Sander joins Moyo’s side then, letting the boy hash out his plan on him, and Lucas leans more heavily against Robbe. 

“I fucked up,” Lucas breathes. “I’m sorry.” 

Robbe shakes his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Anything else would have just made things worse.”

“But I shouldn’t have let him—“

“Lucas,” Robbe cuts him off, looking up at him as he gives his shoulder a squeeze. “You didn’t let anyone do anything. You couldn’t have stopped anything that happened.”

Lucas swallows down his arguments. There are so many things he could have done. He should have realised something was wrong when Jens was so nervous in the first place. He should have asked, should have pushed him for an answer, should have _paid attention_. 

Instead he was wrapped up in his own head, wallowing in his own self-pity, and he’d messed up again. 

Now he’s right back at the beginning, in that terrible process of waiting to lose someone he loves. 

It’s not only that he left Jens—it’s that he hadn’t been there in the first place. 

“Maybe Jens didn’t even know he would react like this,” Robbe tries. 

Lucas shakes his head. “He was nervous inviting me and he was nervous while I was there. I should have realised there was something…”

Robbe purses his lips, and Lucas mumbles a quiet, “Sorry. I’m not helping.” 

Robbe simply brushes off the apology and leans his head against Lucas’s shoulder as Moyo comes to a halt at the end of Jens’s street before turning around to face them. 

“Okay, it’s better if you all wait here? And try not to be too obvious about it,” Moyo says, looking at each of them in turn, more serious than Lucas has ever seen him. “If you hear a lot of yelling, probably best to stay even further away.”

Sander clasps his shoulder and squeezes. “Not a chance.” He gives Moyo a light push. “Go on, then, the sooner the better.”

Moyo flips him off, then gives them a thumbs up before sauntering ahead down the street. Lucas feels sick as they wander on a few more paces and then stop, lingering on the sidewalk as they watch Moyo get to Jens’s door and ring the bell. Robbe drops his arm, but doesn’t distance himself from Lucas even as Sander comes to wrap his arms around him. 

“It’s gonna be fine,” Sander reassures them both, softer than usual. “Jens has plenty of fight in him if he needs it.”

It doesn’t exactly work to comfort Lucas, even though he knows it’s true. Jens has more fight in him than Lucas had realised, but he has now seen it first hand. It’s still a far cry from his father. Jens isn’t _violent_. Lucas doesn’t know the chances of him actually fighting back, or whether or not that would even be a good thing. 

“Woah,” Robbe says, low, and Lucas watches Moyo take a step back as voices are raised. They share a glance and then creep a little closer as voices raise. Lucas tenses at the recognisable tone, though they are unable to catch any of the words. Moyo responds, equally inaudible, then tosses a hand up as he spins on his heel and the door slams. He storms back down the road towards them, fists clenched and eyes alight with anger as he reaches them. 

“Fucking asshole,” Moyo swears. “Piece of shit.”

Robbe sets a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, hey, what happened?”

“He says Jens isn’t there, said I should check with Lucas, making it out like he’d fucking abducted him or something,” Moyo shakes his head, unfurling his hands and shaking them out as he swears again. “I’m not telling you what he said.”

Lucas’s throat is tight. “What do you mean, Jens isn’t there? Was he lying?”

Moyo shakes his head again, lips pressed into a thin line. “It didn’t seem like it. It seemed like—fuck—like he was really pissed about it, actually.”

“But Jens isn’t with me,” Lucas says, tone filling with urgency. “Was he lying about not knowing where Jens is, yes or no?”

Moyo shrugs helplessly, and Lucas’s ears ring, and there are too many voices at once. Moyo and Robbe talk over each other and Sander tries to placate them and Lucas stumbles away, closer towards the wall bracketing the nearest house. He disposes his weight on it, breathing shallowly, and then there’s a tug on his sleeve and a new voice reaching him. 

“Lucas?” Lotte calls hesitantly. 

The world snaps back into focus as Lucas looks down at her, barely taking in nervous hazel eyes before he’s shooting his gaze worriedly up the street. There’s no one else there. Lotte is out on her own. 

“What are you doing, Lotte?” Lucas asks urgently, crouching down in front of her. “You shouldn’t be wandering out here on your own.” _You shouldn’t be seen with me._

Lotte simply looks at him with a glistening gaze. “I think Jens is with Lies. Dad was arguing with her on the phone. I think he’s mad at Jens. Then Mama was mad at him.”

Lucas barely allows himself to sag in relief before he’s worriedly checking the young girl over. “But no one’s mad at you, are they?”

Lotte shakes her head quickly and Lucas relaxes. “Is Jens okay?”

“I don’t know,” Lucas says honestly. “But if he’s with Lies, then yes. We’ll take care of Jens. You don’t need to worry, okay?”

It takes a second, but eventually Lotte nods, still seeming upset. Lucas feels a rush of fondness for his boyfriend at the realisation of how much he likely means to his sister, without even knowing. He knows that they mean a lot to Jens, and knows that it makes sense that he had gone to Lies, who is somewhat similarly outcast. 

Lucas just can’t help wishing Jens had come to him. 

He doesn’t want to leave Lotte the same way, without reassuring himself that she’s safe, or that she can ask him for help if she needs it. He wants to believe the girl has no reason to worry, and that no one would even think of causing her harm, but he can’t be one hundred percent sure. He needs to do something, to give himself some peace of mind. 

“Sander,” he calls, catching the blonde’s attention from where he stands a few feet away. Sander raises his brows at the sight of them, but instantly makes his way over. “Do you have a piece of paper and a pen or something?”

Instead of wasting time with questions, Sander shrugs his bag off his shoulder and digs through in search of the requested items, and this is exactly why Lucas adores him. He’s handed a torn scrap of sketchbook paper and a blue pen, and he hastily scribbles his number on it from memory and prays it’s correct. 

“You don’t have a phone of your own, do you?” he asks Lotte, who shakes her head. “Okay. Do you know how to use the house phone?” Lotte nods, and Lucas passes her the piece of paper. “Good, take this then, okay? This is my number. My phone’s broken right now, but I’m getting it fixed soon. Keep this safe and call me if you ever feel like you need to. It’s just for you, though, alright?”

Lotte nods in understanding, closing the paper in her hand before Robbe holds another piece down over her shoulder. Lotte looks up at him in surprise, but instantly smiles, and Robbe ruffles her hair. 

“And if you can’t call Lucas, call me, okay? I wrote my name so you’ll know the difference, but it doesn’t matter. Either one of us will answer you any time.”

Lucas relaxes further, shooting a grateful look up at him. Lotte says, “I tried to call Jens but his phone is still at home.”

It helps them understand further, and Lucas simply nods as Lotte watches him. “That’s okay. Lies will take good care of him and you can call her, too.”

Lotte nods, standing a little taller before leaning forward and wrapping her arms around Lucas’s shoulders. Lucas shoots a look up at the boys, almost surprised out of his crouch, before he winds his arms around Lotte in return. The girl offers him a soft ‘thank you’ before stepping back and running back up to her house with both numbers carefully tucked into her pocket. 

“I wonder how much she understands,” Moyo mumbles, glancing after her.

“Probably more than she should have to,” Robbe sighs, offering Lucas a hand up. “She probably doesn’t realise how much she helped us, though.”

“You think she’s right about Lies?” Lucas asks, trying not to get his hopes up and failing miserably. 

Robbe nods. “I think it makes sense. Jens isn’t putting himself or anyone else in danger if he stays with her in Ghent. And I’m not surprised Vince took his phone.”

Lucas takes a slightly shaky breath as Sander hooks an arm around his neck and presses a kiss to his temple. He is put at ease, but he’s concerned that they’re still only guessing. He just really hopes that they’re right. 

**_Monday, 16:11_ **

**Song: _Noah Kahan - Anyway_**

Jens rubs his eyes, which are dead from staring at the small TV screen all morning after a severe lack of sleep. 

He has spent the past two nights tossing and turning in an unfamiliar bed in the spare room of his sister’s apartment and wishing he had gone to Lucas’s flat. After thinking he was choosing the best route for all of them, he’s a little frustrated by the worry consuming him. The nagging thought is there that leaving Lucas behind has done nothing to keep him safe. He has probably only left him upset, worried and confused and alone, hurting because of Jens despite his best wishes. 

It doesn’t help that the same crime show has been playing on repeat for hours, and Jens still has no idea what it’s about. He can’t focus on something so mundane. He has been watching it blankly, taking in a word here and there, snapping to attention at some of the louder noises only to drift back into his mind moments later. 

Although Jens has never thought it possible, thinking about Lucas is difficult. Pushing thoughts of him away leaves too much space for thoughts of Vince. 

He thinks about Lucas a lot. 

The door cracks open and Jens almost sighs in relief at the sight of Lies, finally home from her shift. She comes in and sits on the bed in front of him, brushing his hair up under his hood. Dylan’s hood. It’s strange, wearing his sister’s boyfriend’s clothes all the time, but he knows he’s lucky to have the option. He’s willing to bet his own boyfriend’s clothes would be more comfortable. 

“I got things sorted with the school. You’ll be able to take the exams when they’re doing the resits after the holidays.”

Jens nods and blows out a breath, choosing to be silently grateful rather than ask any questions. He doesn’t really want to talk about any of it. The constant stream of thoughts is enough. 

Lies has been easy on him. He’d stumbled through an explanation on the phone to her, and after failing to tell her clearly he had simply pleaded with her to come get him. She had done so without question, organising to meet him at the train station and take him straight back to Ghent. On the train, Jens was able to tell her in person, and she had wrapped an arm around him and they had sat together in silent companionship for the duration of the trip. Since then she has provided him with everything she can and called both their mother and Jens’s school. 

It makes Jens feel infinitely better, but he knows it still isn’t right. 

“You okay? What have you been doing all day?” she asks. 

Jens shrugs and gestures at the TV. “What can I do?”

“Didn’t you use the laptop?”

“Dylan’s been using it for something,” Jens mumbles, shrugging again. He is upset and therefore, a little irritated, but he knows how much he is already imposing. 

Lies curses quietly and then pulls out her phone. “Okay, use this now then.”

“Instagram won’t let me in, though,” Jens reminds her. 

“So call him.”

“I don’t know his number by heart, Lies.” He wishes he did. He wishes he could talk to Lucas in any way, but Lies’s less-than-useful internet connection hasn’t been allowing it. 

Jens has, admittedly, only tried once. 

Lies shakes her head. “Don’t keep giving me excuses. You need to let them know you’re okay.”

Jens licks his lips and thinks. The realisation comes to him very abruptly. “I can call Robbe.”

Lies presses her phone into his hand. 

Only once he has dialed does she leave him to it, and when his best friend picks up Jens almost cries in relief. 

“Hello?”

“Robbe.”

“ _Jens_?”

“Yeah,” Jens laughs, dropping his head back against the pillow. It brings him back to reality, leaves his breath slipping out of him in a rush. He hasn’t gotten to speak to Robbe at all, and he certainly hadn’t seen him. He hasn’t been thinking about Robbe as much, hasn’t realised how much he misses him too. “Fuck. Are you okay?”

“Are _you_? Where the hell are you?”

“I’m with Lies. I’m okay. Is Lucas with you?”

Jens asks it hesitantly, knowing how likely it is he will get a negative answer. He just isn’t sure whether it will relieve or disappoint him. 

“No,” Robbe says, seeming apologetic. “You haven’t spoken to him?”

He sounds surprised, likely that Jens has called him before contacting his boyfriend. “Can’t get through. I’m guessing he hasn’t gotten his phone fixed?”

“Not yet, I don’t think.”

“I don’t know his number anyway,” Jens admits, rubbing a hand over his face. 

“I can call him for you from my laptop. If you want to speak to him?”

Does he?

He takes only a second to think about it before breathing, “Please.”

“Okay.” Jens can hear Robbe’s smile. “I’ll message him first to make sure he’ll answer, but I think he’s been sitting with his laptop on the whole time. Fuck, it’s so good to hear from you. You two need to stop running off and freaking us out.”

Jens closes his eyes, inhaling slowly. “I know. I’m sorry, seriously. I just—“

“Wait,” Robbe interrupts. “Lucas will respond soon and then you can tell both of us. I don’t care anyway. I’m just so fucking glad you’re okay.”

Jens slumps back, lying down now as all the tension finally seeps out of him. He’s talking to Robbe, and Robbe is safe, and he’s safe. Robbe, as predicted, isn’t even mad at him, only worried. Lucas may only be seconds away. Jens can breathe. 

“Robbe? What’s up?”

Jens hadn’t even known Robbe had attempted the call. His breath catches at the distant voice and leaves his own choked as he breathes, “Luc.”

There’s a pause. Then, unsure, Lucas questions, “Jens?”

“Yeah. It’s me. Shit.” Jens sits up again, scrubbing his hand through his hair and drawing his knees up to his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“Can you tell us what happened?” Robbe asks gently. 

With slightly more urgency, Lucas asks, “Are you okay?”

“You’re breaking up a little, so go slow,” Robbe adds. 

“I’m fine. I—I ran out of the house on Saturday with no keys or clothes or money or anything. This woman saw me freaking out on the street and let me use her phone and I called Lies. I couldn’t—I can’t put this on either of you. But I didn’t mean to make you worry. I tried to text you last night but Lies must have a shit connection for everything.”

“It’s fine,” Robbe reassures. “You’re safe. That’s all we care about.” 

Jens lets out another breath, nodding to himself even as he notes his boyfriend’s silence. “Luc,” he repeats, still barely audible. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—that wasn’t what I wanted. I just needed…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Lucas says, only a little stronger than him. Before Jens can take it to heart, he continues, “Fuck, I miss you. I thought you were disappearing.”

“I think there’s already been enough of that,” Robbe says, in that light, teasing way he has that makes the others both laugh, that makes them all relieved. Jens misses them twice as much. “When are you coming home?”

Jens licks his lips, then swallows. “I don’t know.”

A longer silence extends, in which Jens wishes he could be with them in person. He wishes he could at least see them through the screen, as they are with each other. He wishes that he and Lucas were alone, not even over the phone, but back in their bubble. He wonders if he’s there now, in one of their parallel universes. 

“I’m not sure if I can,” he adds, only a breath now, hardly even loud enough to be considered a whisper. When he’s answered by more silence, with not even the sound of the fuzzy connection breaking it up, he takes the phone from his ear to find that the call has ended on its own. The empty bars at the top of the screen inform him that he has no signal. 

He curses under his breath. Then again, louder, as he tosses the phone from him. It takes only a few seconds then for Lies to return, just on time with Jens’s slow breaking-down. 

Lies immediately climbs onto the bed with him and gathers him in her arms and he sinks against her, even as he desperately wishes she was someone else. 

**_Tuesday, 18:47_ **

**Songs: _nilu - Are You With Me; Michael Schulte - Falling Apart_**

“No, no, wait, why is it doing that?” Jens whines from the screen, delicately brushing his thumb under Lucas’s eye to wipe away the dark smudge. “Why the fuck does eyeliner drip?”

“It’s liquid, man, what do you expect?”

Lucas skips ahead as Jens groans in the background and the camera moves to Sander. He plays it again when Moyo does a close up of his own face, the eyeliner now perfectly neat, and making the blue of his eyes stark. The on-screen version of him laughs at Moyo’s dramatic sounds of awe, and then there’s a close up of Jens. His tongue sticks out at the corner of his lips, brow just slightly furrowed, intensely concentrated as he paints on a light layer of lipstick. His eyes flick to the camera, and he falters just slightly, lips twitching. He manages to hold onto his focus for another few seconds before his lips crack in a smile and then into laughter, and he quickly draws his hand away from Lucas. 

“Give me peace, asshole,” he says, leaving the camera shaking as he shoves Moyo back and another laugh rings out. 

Robbe has sent him the completed vlog, that they haven’t posted yet. Lucas is currently watching it for the fourth time, with the volume raised to be heard over the bartering of rain against his window. By now he’s able to fast-forward to the specific shots of Jens that he likes most. He has Instagram open in the background, where his chat with Jens still remains quiet. 

He rubs his hands over his face as Moyo zooms in on Jens puckering his lips, initially indicating for Lucas to do the same and ending up blowing a kiss to the camera. Talking to him yesterday hadn’t helped as Lucas had hoped it would. The few moments of contact had helped ease some of his worry, but the gaping hole in the chest that Jens usually takes up has only grown. He had hoped he would get the chance to convince Jens to come home to him, and then the connection cut out and Lucas had to hang up on Robbe before falling into a panicked state of despair. 

Sander curses from the screen and then rapidly apologises as Robbe moans a complaint. “Isn’t this almost over?”

Lucas wonders the same thing as the shot cuts back to Jens and shows him leaning back with hands raised, a grin on his face as he announces he’s done. Lucas pauses on the image, chest tightening and jaw clenching. 

There’s a knock on his bedroom door and he quickly shuts his laptop before his father peeks his head in. “Can I come in for a second?”

Lucas nods, setting his laptop aside as Hugo walks in and hovers by the bed as he holds an object out to Lucas. 

His phone. 

Lucas examines the spotless screen with wide eyes before shooting his eyes up to his father’s, which are crinkled at the corners with his smile. He waggles the object at Lucas, and Lucas takes it carefully, running his fingers around the edges. He holds in the power button and after a few seconds, it lights up. 

“The guy in the shop charged it a little so he could make sure it’s working, but you’ll probably need to charge it yourself now,” Hugo says. “It look alright?”

It’s still in his old, worn, blue case, and when it finally comes to life, his favourite image of him and Kes appears on the lock-screen. He hovers his thumb over it as it shakes in his hand. Slowly, he nods. “Yeah, it’s perfect. I didn’t even know you’d taken it.”

“Well, you need your phone. Even I can’t contact you without it. Consider it an additional late birthday present, huh? Better than those old albums I got you.”

Lucas shakes his head. “The albums are good. And the art supplies are expensive, I know that. You didn’t have to…”

“Shush,” Hugo waves a hand at him. “I don’t expect you to pay for things like that yourself. No matter how many jokes I make about you being an adult now.”

Lucas smiles slightly, though his eyes are misty as he turns his phone over on his palm. “Thank you.”

His father smiles back at him, then seems to hesitate again. “I also wanted to talk to you about this weekend. I organised a trip for the youth center. A few days away, where they can all hang out and do stuff together, can really help them out at this time of year. It just means you’ll be left here on your own.”

This would usually come as a relief. Now it makes anxiety churn in Lucas’s chest, and he has to quickly bite down on his lip. Otherwise he’ll do something ridiculous, like beg his father to stay. He’s overreacting. He’ll be fine for a couple of days on his own. “So, you’ll be going on Friday?”

“Yeah. The girls are taking them on the bus and I’ll drive down to meet them in the evening.” 

“Where are you going?”

“It’s some kind of adventure center. One of the kids themselves suggested it. We’re staying at a motel nearby.”

Lucas nods slowly. “Then you’ll be back on Sunday?”

“Yeah.” Hugo seems only mildly confused by the questioning, at Lucas’s unusual show of interest. “Should be back in the afternoon. So you’ll be alright? You can call me now if you need me.”

Lucas hums. 

“If you want to, you can invite one of your friends over to keep you company. Maybe Jens.”

He says it cheerfully, proud of himself for remembering the name Lucas had let slip weeks ago. He seems oblivious to the pain it causes Lucas, so Lucas tries for a smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

Hugo sets a hand on his shoulder and gives a squeeze. “Okay. Give your mom a call too when you can, alright? She keeps bugging me about you.”

“Have you been talking to her?”

“Ah, now, Luc, I still talk to your mother. Is that a new hoodie?”

Lucas blinks and looks down at himself, not understanding, until he sees the red. He’d forgotten he was even wearing Jens’s hoodie. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, aside from the faintest trace if Lucas moves in just the right way. He simply shakes his head as he looks back up at his dad. 

Hugo purses his lips, nodding slightly as he shrugs. “Suits you. Alright, everything else okay with you?”

It takes a moment for Lucas to gain enough composure to smile and nod, and his father squeezes his shoulder once more before leaving him alone again.

Lucas takes a moment to breathe, then moves to his desk to find his charger, phone still clutched in his hand. He finds it hidden under a stack of papers and moves back to his bed, plugging the charger into the wall. He has to sit close to the edge so the lead will reach, but he manages, and soon he’s facing a flood of missed notifications. 

Jens is right at the top. 

It’s only after taking another long moment to breathe that Lucas is able to open the messages. There are a whole string from the weekend he’d left, easily two dozen, and guilt churns in his stomach once more as he reads through Jens’s concern. There’s even a selfie of him and Moyo from that Saturday, with both of them pouting at the camera, eyes slightly red. Obviously high. Lucas’s chest tightens further. He scrolls further down, through Jens’s more insistent questioning, where the frustration begins to truly slip in. 

Then he makes it to the end, where he has a message from Sunday morning, sent just minutes before he had messaged Jens from Kes’s phone. 

_I’m getting really freaked out and I didn’t even think that was something that happens to me, but I really miss you Luc and I’m worried. please just message me. I love you_

He reads it, then reads it again, over and over until the words blur and a single mantra runs through his mind. 

_I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you._

Lucas internalises the words, letting them fill up his chest until he can’t breathe. 

Jens loves him. Lucas had no idea. Jens loves him and Lucas had left him. Jens loves him and Lucas had hurt him. Jens loves him and he’s being punished for it. Jens loves him and he isn’t here. 

Lucas loves Jens, and he can’t breathe. 

Air finally comes out in gasps, then heaves. The world around him has blurred. He’s being flung on the floor, dropped like a ragdoll, frozen in place, and then the slap. Over and over in an endless reel. Hands are shoving him, two pairs at once. His favourite brown eyes are unfamiliar, cold and distant, unreachable. He’s running away and running away and running away. 

He’s staying and making it worse. 

Jens has done nothing but love him, and Lucas has done nothing but hurt him. It’s his fault. His fault that Jens is in this position in the first place. His fault that Jens felt the need to try so hard and endanger himself. His fault that Jens is hurt. His fault that Jens is gone. His fault that Jens doesn’t _know_.

Lucas loves him, and Jens doesn’t know, and he can’t breathe. 

He tucks his head between his knees and tries his usual method. He has to drop his phone to tangle his hands in his hair as he counts in for four, holds for four, breathes out for four. Except he can’t manage it. His breaths are short stutters, insufficient, and his ring catches in his curls and he sobs. 

When he feels like he is going to suffocate, he drags himself to his feet. He stops once he gets there, having to stave off the urge to curl down into himself. His hands grapple at air, curled into claws at his sides as choked sounds continue to spill from his throat. It takes him three tries to repeatedly force himself into enough motion to open his door. From there he’s overcome with urgency, and he speeds down the hall, into the kitchen where his father is sat with a newspaper at the table. 

“Dad,” he croaks. 

Hugo looks up, brows raised. His expression falls instantly into concern as he stands from the chair and rounds the table. “Lucas? Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?”

Lucas lets out another sob. “I can’t—“

He cuts himself off as his knees give out. His father catches him as he sinks towards the floor, drawing him into his arms and providing a sturdy support. Lucas relinquishes all his weight and lets the man hold him up, kneeling on the floor alongside him. 

“Hey, Luc. It’s okay, you’re okay,” he soothes, gently rocking him back and forth, hand petting through his hair in a gesture Lucas hasn’t experienced since he was a child half his current size. 

“Can you help?” Lucas pleads. “Please, can you help, can you help me?” He feels his father nod, feels a kiss pressed to the crown of his head, and he lets out a shaky breath. 

Hugo holds him and guides him through it, regulating his own breaths until Lucas’s heartbeat feels just manageable. “I’ve got you, buddy. I’ll do whatever you need. Do you hear me? I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

**_Wednesday, 12:53_ **

**Lucas:** _hey_

_dad got my phone fixed yesterday_

**Kes:** _AHHH FINALLY_

_how are you holding up??_

**Jayden:** _he fixed it yesterday and you’re only texting us now?? 😪_

**Lucas:** _I was gonna message you then but I kinda had a meltdown and told dad about Jens instead_

**Kes:** _you what???_

_did you tell him you’re gay?? what did he say??_

**Lucas:** _I told him everything_

_he was definitely surprised but weirdly calm. except for the fact that he wanted to go "have a few words" with Jens's dad_

**Jayden:** _I would like to join him_

**Kes:** _but this is good right? he accepts it?_

**Lucas:** _yeah_

_it feels fucking great actually. it would just be better if Jens was actually here_

**_Thursday, 15:24_ **

**Song: _Kyson - After The Rain_**

Jens pushes the buttons on the controller halfheartedly and just manages to sidestep a fatal shot. He’s been playing the same game on repeat for probably a little too long, and it’s getting tiring. It no longer occupies his mind the way he wants it to. He’s distracted from the game rather than by it. His mind refuses to quiet. There are instances where silence comforts him, where he finds relief in the isolation, but this isn’t one of them. He has been mostly alone in this apartment for almost a week, with nothing to do and nothing to smoke. He’s beginning to go a little stir crazy. 

He spends ninety-percent of his time thinking about Lucas. 

There are brief moments in between, in which he’s dead-asleep or thinking about his father or his mother or Lotte. He begins to feel a little bad for running out on his girls, because it seems unfair to be making them suffer the fallout. He hadn’t realised at the time that his mother was unaware of the situation, but rather thought that she had agreed with her husband, as was usual. He realises that she still mustn’t actually know, or that Vince has told her his twisted version of events. He has no idea what little Lotte must be thinking. 

He is beginning to really wish he had at least gone to Moyo. He could have continued to see everyone and sat his exams at the right time. But he still would have been too close. The danger would have still been on his doorstep. 

He knows there’s nothing stopping his father from turning up here, either, but it seems a little less likely. 

He almost wonders if he’s being a little self-centered in thinking that Vince cares about what he’s doing. He’s likely just happy to have Jens gone. 

Jens is the one with the problem. Jens is the one who can’t bring himself to be brave. 

He spends a lot of his time thinking about Robbe. He thinks about what Robbe suffered in silence. He thinks about Robbe, who takes everything to heart, pushing past the hurt and forgiving Sander and loving him freely. He thinks about Robbe going back to that bar. He thinks about Robbe and all that strength hidden under the soft exterior, about the light he emanates despite all the darkness that has threatened to swallow him. 

He thinks about Robbe, his best friend, and how he has utterly failed him. Jens can’t do what he does. Jens doesn’t have that strength. 

What else can he do, anyway? Where can he go?

Even remaining here isn’t a permanent solution. Lies is already struggling with feeding an extra mouth. Jens doesn’t want to cause any more strain. 

It seems like he’s going to do that wherever he goes. 

The controller in his hands vibrates violently as he’s shot down on screen, and he curses under his breath as he tosses it away. He rubs his hands through his hair, pushing it back underneath his hood. At least he’s back in his own clothes, freshly washed and dried. His stomach grumbles and he grumbles back, then he heaves himself to his feet and pads towards the kitchen. 

“This is bullshit, Lies.”

Jens pauses at Dylan’s voice, freezing up a few steps from the kitchen doorway. He inches closer as he hears Lies hiss, “Keep your voice down.”

“Oh, come on, he knows he can’t stay here forever. He’s not stupid.”

“No, but he’s fucking hurting. He’s my little brother. What do you expect me to do? He needs me.”

He hears Dylan sigh. “Look, I like him, and I get arguments with your parents suck, but he’s not actually your responsibility.”

“And, what, he’s certainly not yours?”

“No.” The exclamation is paired with a ruffle. “He’s not. For one, he’s almost eighteen. He comes here and he doesn’t have a phone or cash or even any clothes, Lies.”

There’s a pause, in which Jens leans against the wall and feels a pressure building in his chest. It’s becoming painfully familiar. The presence of an immovable weight coupled by the lack of breath. The lack of control. He feels it all around, but it’s heaviest on his head, pulled tight across his face and blocking his airways. It shows itself in shaky hands. 

_You seemed like you were having a panic attack._

Jens knows that isn’t what this is. It can’t be. He doesn’t have panic attacks. He rarely even panics. He gets nervous, occasionally, and sometimes anxious. A little swirl in his stomach.

Not this. 

Dylan’s voice is softer when he speaks again. “I know he’s important to you. Of course he is. But you can’t take care of an eighteen year old, Lies. You know that.”

“He’s seventeen, and he can take care of himself,” Lies says. “He isn’t causing any extra effort. We pay the same bills, we had the spare space. I buy an extra bag of food. And even that he usually makes himself.”

“And everything else? Are you going to buy him a new phone?” 

“I can get him his phone back. I could go home, pack him a bag, even get his savings.”

“Lies,” Dylan sighs, slightly muffled. Irritation has crept back into his tone. 

“He has nowhere else to stay.”

“What about with the guy he’s fucking?”

Jens’s throat has closed up. He backtracks before Lies can respond, spinning on his heel and resituating himself on the sofa, in the exact same position as before. He picks up the controller, starts a new game, and doesn’t move. He can’t move. 

He can barely breathe. 

A few moments later, Lies is walking through with Dylan trailing behind. Jens had supposedly understood what Lies saw in him, with the lightly tanned skin and shaggy blonde hair and hazel eyes, but any appeal now seems absent. He nods at Jens in passing and Jens doesn’t move. 

“We’re going to go out for a while. There’s plenty of food in the freezer if you want to have dinner early, or if we’re back late,” Lies says, in that gentle tone she refuses to stop using on him. 

Jens swallows and manages a nod. 

Lies shoots him a thumbs up before they’re gone, and he’s alone. 

He sits in the silence. Then he turns off the game console, and the TV. He gets up and goes to Lies and Dylan’s room. 

It’s more difficult than it should be to find what he’s looking for. He has to rifle through drawers before he finds a familiar wallet tucked under a pile of makeup. He flicks through it, biting hard on his bottom lip, before pulling out enough cash to get him a train and a meal or two. He tucks it into the pocket of his jeans and silently promises to pay his sister back. 

He tucks it back into the drawer and unveils a small bag of weed. 

He stares at it, heart still unsettled, pulse stuck in an uneasy rhythm. He takes the corner of the bag between thumb and forefinger and slowly lifts it out. Cracking it open, he brings it to his nose, before resealing it and slipping it into his pocket with the money. 

Then he collects his shoes and coat and locks the door behind him, tossing the key back in through the letterbox. 

**_Friday, 20:53_ **

**Song: _Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Someone To Stay_**

“Are you sure you’re gonna be alright?” Hugo asks, for the tenth time this evening. 

“Dad, I’ll be fine. You can’t do anything else at this stage. You were already supposed to leave hours ago.”

They’ve been hovering in the front hallway of their apartment for a while now, with Lucas attempting to persuade his father to leave and Hugo lingering. He’s been attentive to Lucas all week, checking in on him and refusing to leave him alone. He isn’t, however, being as pushy as Lucas expected. He hasn’t asked any more questions about Lucas himself, or about Jens. He just took what Lucas gave him and has spent his time trying to reassure and find a solution. 

“I could figure something out, the girls could stay on. Or you could come with me. None of those kids would mind.”

Lucas blows out a sigh. “I’m not gonna keep you from your work. This is a nice idea, and it was yours. You need to go.” 

Hugo considers him a moment, then sighs. “I don’t want to leave you here on your own.”

“I won’t be alone. Sander is coming over in like, ten minutes.” Lucas is honestly surprised he isn’t already here, but slightly grateful. He doesn’t have the energy for such an introduction. 

“Yeah, alright, alright. Then you need to promise to text or call me if you need me. I have no issue ditching these kids.”

“Dad,” Lucas laughs slightly, shaking his head. “Just go. It’s fine.”

Hugo hesitates for another few moments before giving a curt nod. “Okay. And you’re sure this Sander will be here?”

“Yes,” Lucas insists. “Go.”

After another minute of hovering, his father pulls him into a tight hug and presses a kiss to his temple. “Okay. Take care of yourself, alright?”

Lucas hums, ignoring how his throat gets tight. Hugo ruffles his hair and finally departs, leaving Lucas in the quiet apartment. He takes a moment to breathe it in, wrapping his arms around himself. It does feel oddly quiet, now, and his mind doesn’t quite appreciate it. He returns to the sofa in the sitting room and picks up his phone. 

Navigating to his chat with Jens is almost automatic. He occasionally scrolls back through older conversations, smiling at Jens’s sappy flirting and cheeky jokes, pausing to examine the odd selfies the boy had sent him. Mostly he focuses on the most recent string of messages, as he tends to do too often. 

He thinks it’s a rather unhealthy habit. It seems to hurt more than it heals. 

He’s only able to wallow in it for a couple of minutes before the buzzer rings and he has to get up to let Sander in. He opens the apartment door just in time for the boy to greet him with his usual grin, ignorant to the drops of rain falling from his hair. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Lucas returns, pulling the door open further and waving him inside. 

“It’s so cold out there, damn. I can’t believe I actually made it on time. I was working on a project, and suddenly it was pitch dark and I’d missed dinner and my mom thought I’d collapsed or something.” Sander tosses his hands above his head, heaving a sigh at the end of his explanation as he makes a beeline for the sitting room and collapses onto the couch. “But I’m here.”

Lucas huffs, smiling. “You are. You don’t have to be, if you have stuff you need to do or if you wanted to see Robbe…”

Sander raises a brow. “What ‘stuff’ would I have to do?” he air-quotes. 

“Your project?”

Sander gives another flap of his hands. “That’s not due until next month.”

Lucas blinks, then huffs again, shaking his head. “Okay.”

“And Robbe’s having a night in with his mom, and probably studying for the rest of the exams,” Sander continues as Lucas settles at the opposite end of the cushions. “I have been strictly instructed not to distract him.”

“I see.”

“So all my time can be dedicated to distracting you.” Sander’s tone is likely much too cheery for the situation, but Lucas is already appreciating the company. 

Lucas sits sideways so he can face him, leaning against the back cushions. “Thank you. For coming. I don’t think I would’ve got my dad to leave otherwise.”

Sander snorts. “Happy to get you free.”

“How is Robbe?” Lucas asks quietly. 

There’s a small pause, in which Sander turns his head away from Lucas and purses his lips, shrugging slightly. “Okay,” he says slowly. “It’s hard to tell with Robbe. He’s so contained. I can see him struggling with it, but he won’t let me do anything about it. He’s just trying to keep everything else under his control, I guess.”

Lucas nods slightly. “I get that. I think he was okay once we knew for sure that Jens is okay.”

“Yeah. I just…” Sander blows out a breath. “I wish he allowed me to try to make it better, in some way.” He turns his head to look at Lucas. “I’m really glad you asked this of me, actually.”

Lucas’s smile comes easy. “I couldn’t think of anyone better, honestly.” He didn’t even try. When his father had asked if anyone else could stay with him, Sander was the first to come to mind. He’d agreed instantly when Lucas asked, lighting up and gently ruffling his hair, and Lucas had bashfully thanked him and hidden from Robbe’s soft smile. He and Sander share an understanding and a friendship that isn’t quite matched by anyone else. It’s different, even, to his friendships with Kes and Jayden and Isa that have lasted a lifetime. It’s easy to be open with Sander, but they also don’t have to be. It’s even easier to accompany each other in peaceful silence. 

Sander knocks his hand lightly against Lucas’s ankle. “How are you doing?”

Lucas ducks his head and shrugs. “I don’t know, really.”

“Have you heard anything from him since?”

“No,” Lucas says. “But I didn’t really expect to.”

“Yeah,” Sander sighs. “I’ve been there.”

It’s something Lucas is vaguely aware of, but it still manages to surprise him. From the outside, Robbe and Sander appear unshakable. Even after witnessing their wobble, Lucas can’t believe there would ever be any overwhelming tension or misunderstanding between them. They’re a solid unit. Lucas has heard hints of their rocky beginning, but neither of them have divulged the details just yet. He doesn’t quite want to push Sander into it now. 

Instead he asks, “How do you manage?” 

Sander looks at him, brow furrowed. 

“I mean,” Lucas continues, sitting up straighter. “Don’t you ever worry about losing him?”

Sander tilts his head back against the cushions and smiles slightly. A little sad. “All the time.”

“So what do you do with it? The worry?”

“There’s little you can do.” Sander licks his lips, shrugging slightly. “Worry is worry. Even if it’s irrational you can’t just get rid of it. Robbe and I just have a method in which we only have to worry about things as they come. Minute by minute.”

Lucas, for a moment, simply allows the words to sink in. He turns them over in his head, and begins to better understand Sander’s quiet surety. “That works?”

“Sometimes, not really.” Sander huffs. “Others, not at all. But it can, once you remind yourself of it. You can’t worry about things that will happen next week, or next year, or for eternity, if you’re focused on this one minute.”

“So it’s like a living in the moment thing?”

Sander’s smile twitches, widens. “It can be. But that doesn’t always work.”

Lucas hums, looking down at his ring as he twists it around his finger. “What if you’re in a really shitty minute?”

“It’s just a minute. That’s all you have to endure for. One minute, and then if you manage it, you get another. And you go on.”

It sounds simple, when Sander spreads it out and brings it into the open. It makes sense, and it manages to bring a glimpse of comfort, and Lucas is sure that he made the right decision in requesting him. 

He moves across the sofa and settles himself against Sander’s side, head dropping on his shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispers. 

Sander kisses his hair and then rests his cheek on Lucas’s head, elbowing him gently in the side. Lucas lets himself enjoy the familiar affection, lets himself sink into it and breathe and find some semblance of peace. The most he’s gotten in a while, at least. He plays with his ring as they sit in silence, remembering how Jens had looked as he’d given it to him. Still disheveled, flushed and sleepy, nervous but pleased. Happy with Lucas. Sander holds his own hand out above Lucas’s, flexing his fingers and letting his ring catch the light before lightly knocking it against Lucas’s in three quick, clinking taps. Lucas smiles, but elbows him this time in retaliation. 

“I should probably ask you if you want something to drink, or something,” Lucas muses. 

Sander lets out another snort. “Or something. I wouldn’t mind a coffee.”

“In the evening?”

“Are you planning on actually sleeping soon?”

Lucas gets up and goes to make them some coffee. He makes his way around the kitchen automatically, collecting mugs and sugar and spoons in only a half-present state. He supposes it’s due to a mixture of stress and his recent lack of sleep, which is, again, due to the stress. He isn’t eager to discover how he has done on his exams thus far, as his last-minute studying and the actual process of taking the tests have also passed in this absent-minded manner. 

As he’s pouring the coffee, Sander appears in the doorway, looking oddly unsure and wide-eyed. “Robbe just messaged me.”

Lucas sets down the coffee pot. 

“He said—“ Sander pauses and glances down as his phone beeps again “—Jens is gone. Robbe hasn’t heard from him and neither has Moyo or Aaron. Lies messaged Robbe a while ago saying he left yesterday and she can’t find him.”

“ _Yesterday_? And she’s only letting us know now?”

“I think she messaged Robbe on Instagram earlier but he didn’t get it because he’s been off his phone. He’s freaking out.”

At the emphasis in Sander’s tone, Lucas halts himself from making any further comments. He’s freaking out, immensely, but it’s not right to blame Robbe and it won’t help. They hadn’t blamed Lucas at the beginning. Instead he takes a deep breath and asks, “Is she even sure that he came back here?”

“Apparently he took cash with him, so probably. Robbe was on his way to the skatepark to check if he’s hiding around there, but it seems unlikely that’s where he would’ve spent the night.”

Lucas hopes he hasn’t, though it’s a better alternative to Jens having gone home. His mind races as Sander receives a new message and curses. 

“He checked the skatepark and there’s no sign of him by the Scheldt either.” Sander looks up at him, lost. “Robbe doesn’t know where else to look.” 

He seems to be suggesting that Lucas should have a better idea, but Lucas isn’t sure if he does. He would have checked the skatepark, where Jens seems to find most of his comfort and where they had reunited two weeks prior. Most of their time together has been spent in this very apartment, in the confines of Lucas’s room. They’d had their only date at the arcade, they’d met in a bathtub at a party, and any other time is spent with the boys at the school or the park or the Scheldt. 

“Do you know if he has some kind of safe place? Somewhere he goes to get away or find comfort?” Sander pushes, and Lucas has a revelation. 

Of course. 

_I’ve never brought anyone else here before._

_If I need to get away, be on my own...I come here. Skating helps, and no one else skates here. I can come here and just be._

He remembers skating and swimming and stars, a rundown building with a hole in the roof and a cavern in the center. He remembers shared smiles and soft admissions, a joke that was almost a challenge and a kiss, a first one followed by another and another and another. He remembers Jens, in his element, at peace in his space, coming alive under the moon and Lucas’s touch. 

“I know where he is,” Lucas breathes. He meets Sander’s wide-eyed gaze with one of his own. “Did you come here in your car?”

Sander nods, and Lucas immediately ushers him out the door. 

It takes almost too long to get out of the apartment and into Sander’s car, and even longer to get to the skatepark. Lucas’s memories of getting there are fuzzy, and he hadn’t been going from his apartment. Trying to trace their steps backwards from their dazed way home isn’t as easy as he wishes. He’s almost terrified that he’s wrong, and that he won’t find it. He doesn’t know where to look if his memory fails him. 

Then suddenly, he sees it. 

“Here,” he shouts, but it doesn’t matter. He’s opening the door and jumping out into the rain before the car has fully stopped, leaving the brakes screeching behind him and Sander calling out as he jogs down the familiar steps and throws his weight against the door. He slips out his phone and turns on the flashlight as he runs inside, though it doesn’t do much more to illuminate the space than the night sky. 

What he sees, first, is the flooded cavern. 

His heart climbs into his throat as he scans the light wildly over the pitch-black water, fearing and hoping and feeling a sob build in him as he screams, “Jens!”

It doesn’t surprise him when he gets no response, but it makes his heart beat faster. He casts his gaze around desperately, the light from his phone wobbly in his shaky hands as he considers diving into the faux lake. 

Then a shadow catches in the opposite corner, and Lucas focuses his light and sees a familiar figure. 

“Jens,” he calls, almost a cry as he runs around the edge of the space and makes it to the prone figure. He drops to his knees and sets his phone on the ground and catches sight of the disposed bottle of spirits and half-empty bag of weed. 

But it’s him. It’s Jens. Lucas has found him. 

He chokes out something like a laugh as he gathers him into his arms, still panicking at the sight of his closed eyes, sunken in a pale face. Lucas touches his fingers to his cheek and hisses at the freezing cold skin. 

“Fuck, Jens.” He slaps his cheek lightly, quick repetitive taps, and pleads. “Come on, Jens, come on. Look at me. Please, please, wake up and look at me.”

**_Friday, 21:21_ **

**Song: _Sleeping At Last - Light_**

Jens comes to in increments. 

There’s a voice, first, faint and distant and achingly familiar, and he shies away from it. He’s imagining it. It gets closer and louder, persisting, and as much as Jens wants to resist, it tugs at his heartstrings. He listens as it calls his name, begging him to hear it, full of anguish that Jens wishes to soothe. The touch comes next, numbness broken through by a stinging cheek. 

Then there’s pain, pounding in his head and churning in his stomach and he rolls away from the touch and heaves. 

It burns his throat and instantly assaults his nose and simply makes his stomach roll again, but as he coughs through it there’s a soothing touch in his hair and the same voice breathes, “Oh, thank god.”

Jens attempts to spit out the lingering taste before turning his head and leaning back towards the body behind him. Brilliant blue eyes meet his gaze and Jens forgets about everything else. “Luc?” His voice is small and cracked, dry from what he’d consumed and what he’d just reproduced and lack of use. The damp floor he’s lying on probably doesn’t help, nor the rain falling through the ceiling, splashing into the already full space. They’re clear of it here, tucked away in the farthest corner of the building, but Jens is barely audible over it. 

Lucas hears him anyway and softens even further, eyes welling up as he tugs Jens back into his arms. “Fuck you. You gave me a fucking heart attack.”

Jens leans into him instinctively, but doesn’t return the embrace. It takes him only a few seconds to regain enough of his senses to pull away. “What are you doing here?”

“What?” Lucas stares at him. 

“You shouldn’t be here.” Jens pushes himself up into a sitting position, careful of the mess beside him, wincing as the concrete scrapes his numb fingers and unable to prevent a full-body shiver. 

Lucas blinks at him. “Jens—“

“You shouldn’t be with me, Lucas.”

“ _What?_ ” Lucas repeats. “Bullshit.”

Jens shakes his head. “I mean it.”

“No, you fucking don’t. I get it, okay, I understand if your dad got in your head and I know you’re scared but you don’t have to pretend for him, Jens. Please, I—“

“It’s not that. It’s not us. It’s me, Lucas.”

It’s everything he has feared. It’s the way Lucas is looking at him right now, with betrayal and hurt and heartache. It’s the expression on Lucas’s face a week before, lost and pleading and scared. It’s ditching him on accident and pushing him away and leaving him behind. It’s Jens running and hiding and knocking himself out and coming to just to throw up however many hours later. 

It’s all the light in Lucas, and in all the other people around him, that Jens only ever manages to dim. 

Lucas’s throat works as he swallows and then he’s asking, “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. It’s everything. Everything about me. Lucas, I can’t—I won’t keep doing this. I can’t.”

His voice cracks at the end, and he’s shaking his head rapidly and Lucas only appears more confused. “You can’t what?” he asks, voice wobbly. “Be with me? Be you? What, Jens?”

“I can’t keep hurting you.”

He isn’t sure if the statement is emphasised or contradicted by the hurt expression Lucas currently wears, lips slightly parted and eyes misty. There’s an undercurrent in them that isn’t quite strong enough to be considered anger, but certainly borders frustration. By now Jens knows it’s Lucas’s defense when he feels lost or endangered or hopeless, a barrier to the impending pain. Jens doesn’t want to be the cause of this look anymore. He can’t be. 

He loves Lucas too much to cause him any more pain. 

“Jens.” Lucas reaches for him again, one hand hesitating in the air before curling in the edge of his coat. “The only thing you could do to hurt me is leave me.”

Jens shakes his head, and the motion makes him dizzy. It’s probably ironic that Lucas is still the one holding him up. “All I’ve done is hurt you. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t intentional. It was just too good to be true.”

“Come on, Jens,” Lucas protests. 

“You know one of the main reasons it was so hard for Moyo to come out to us is me? Do you know Robbe suffered in silence for years because he felt like he couldn’t talk to me? With me supposedly being his best friend. I don’t even want to think about the amount of times he probably wanted me to listen and I brushed him off or scared him away. Everything was ruined for Jana because she was with me and I just kept making it worse.”

Lucas shakes his head as Jens continues, “And you. Remember when I stood you up at the beginning and you didn’t talk to me for days?” He shakes his head back, throat tight. “And now you look like you haven’t slept in a week. Lucas, all I’ve ever done is hurt you.”

“That’s not true.” Lucas tightens his grip, using it to draw himself closer to Jens as he continues his denial. “That’s the farthest thing from the truth. I’ve never felt anything like what I feel with you, and it’s the best fucking feeling.” Lucas shakes his head, eyes still glistening even as something like a smile creeps in. 

Jens swallows. He knows how stubborn Lucas is, and he hadn’t expected this to be easy, but he might have expected more bite. 

But Lucas is soft as he moves his hand up the slope of Jens’s neck to his jaw and shifts closer still, shoulders beginning to hunch from the cold. He strokes his thumb over Jens’s cheek and Jens leans into the touch despite his best attempts to resist. “I know that I’ve fucked up,” Lucas says quietly. “I know I hurt you and it probably hurts more now. So you probably find it hard to believe me, but I mean it when I say I’ve never doubted you for a second, Jens.”

He slips his ring off, and Jens’s heart contracts in painful anticipation, but then Lucas is picking up his hand and sliding it onto his finger instead. It’s just a little tight, but Lucas’s touch is careful and sure, and within a second the metal is glinting happily up at them. 

Jens curls his hand tightly around Lucas’s as Lucas cups his cheek and presses their foreheads together, letting their eyes drift shut. 

“I’m the one who should be apologising for hurting you. But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. It’s going to get better. We’ll get better at this. It doesn’t matter if we don’t get it right instantly.” Lucas huffs, shaking his head wildly as he holds onto Jens more tightly. “I don’t even care, Jens. Hurt me all you want. Anything is better than losing you.”

It’s what Jens so desperately wants to believe. He’s shivery and shaky and sick still, his stomach giving the occasional churn of protest and his throat begging for some relief and he wants nothing more than to give in. To Lucas’s hands and warmth and homeliness, to his familiarity and comfort that Jens doesn’t deserve. That Jens isn’t allowed to have. 

It doesn’t stop him from leaning in, yearning ever closer, and then Lucas is pressing his lips to Jens’s. The touch is featherlight, just a short brush of mouths, and still Jens shies away, reminded of the state he’s in by the lingering taste in his mouth. He isn’t really suited up for kisses, and he resists no matter how much he wants them. His resolve is strengthened by the remaining doubt, the separate surety he has that Lucas will come to his senses eventually, when Jens has pushed him too far. 

“I’ll fuck it up,” he mumbles. “I hurt all of you and I left Lotte and I stole from Lies. I’m better just left alone.”

“But you’re not alone,” Lucas whispers. “We’re not. You don’t even realise how many people love you, Jens. Sander is waiting outside right now to take us home.”

Jens shakes his head, and his words come out choked. “I can’t go home. I don’t have people who love me waiting like you do.”

“You’re coming home with me,” Lucas says, so easily, so simply. “And I love you.”

It finally makes him falter. His breath catches and he has to lean back, has to look at him and see for himself. It’s never been said before, but it’s there, clear as day. Lucas is brimming with it, letting it overflow at the corners of his lips, holding it in the depths of his eyes, quiet but vibrant. _Sure._

“I know,” Lucas says, reassuring, as Jens’s eyes water and his lips part and nothing comes out. He passes his thumb over Jens’s cheek, smiling. “I already—or finally—got your message. I would have said it back then if I could.” 

The dam breaks, and Jens collapses forward as he makes it to the surface, letting Lucas keep him afloat.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The clip ‘Tuesday 17:19’ contains mentions of past violence/abuse (i.e. reference to the previous clips - it’s very brief and there’s nothing extra).
> 
> This is the end! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving your kudos/comments/bookmarks/etc. It has made the process feel extra worth it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this last chapter :)

**_Saturday, 10:23_ **

**Songs: _Joy Oladokun - Blink Twice; Kina - Get You The Moon_**

Lucas’s mother picks up the phone after just three rings. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mama.”

“Oh, Luc.” Her tone brightens. “How are you, baby? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Uhm.” He taps his fingers on the wall next to him, glancing back down the hallway towards his room. “I just wanted to call to let you know that Jens is back home with me.”

There’s a brief pause, then a sigh of relief. “That’s amazing, darling. He’s with you now? Is he alright?”

“Yeah, he’s here. I found him last night. He wasn’t great. He’s been really quiet since I brought him home. He passed out early and he’s still sleeping.”

“And you’re taking care of him,” she says, softly, knowingly. 

Lucas leans against the wall with a hand stuffed in the pocket of his sweatpants and hunches his shoulders to hide his blush, even though there’s no one around to see him. “I’m trying.”

“He’s lucky to have you.”

“I don’t know. I think he’d have a lot less trouble without me.”

“I disagree,” she argues quietly. “I’m sure he would, too.”

Lucas simply hums, tilting his head against the wall and looking down towards his room. He doesn’t know how lucky Jens is, but Lucas himself feels pretty honored. More than anything he’s relieved. 

It had taken them a while, last night. He’d sat on the ground with Jens for longer than expected—long enough for Sander to get anxious and come inside to search for them. He’d disappeared again once he saw that they were safe, heading out to call Robbe and give them their space. Within a couple of minutes then Lucas had managed to coax Jens into the car, where they’d sat tucked together in the backseat with Sander occasionally shooting them glances in the mirror. He’d dropped them off at Lucas’s apartment and walked them right up to the door before pulling Jens into a tight hug. 

Jens had sunk into it without giving any real reaction. Still, he’d seemed more settled as Lucas led him inside, after Sander had kissed Lucas on the head and left to stay at Robbe’s instead. Lucas had managed to coax Jens into eating something and drinking two glasses of water before taking the exhausted boy to bed and gathering him in a tight hold. Jens had started shivering before they’d even left the skatepark and only stopped after falling asleep with Lucas’s arms around him and the covers pulled up to his cheek. Lucas tried very hard not to think about Jens spending a full night and that entire day alone in the desolate building, cold and hungry and dehydrated. He tried not to think about Jens prioritising alcohol over any basic needs. It had been a relief that Jens had fallen asleep quickly, though Lucas had spent hours awake afterwards listening to his breath and convincing himself the boy was real. 

“Lucas?” his mother questions. 

“Yeah, sorry, I’m here.”

“That’s okay. Have you told your father?”

“I messaged him last night and I called him just now before you. He’s fine with it.” Lucas had known he would be, but it was still nice to hear the man confirm it, asking question after question about them both in concern before promising to help them work things out when he returns home tomorrow. 

He can hear the smile in his mother’s voice. “I’m so glad to think things have improved between you two. He’s always adored you so much, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lucas smiles. “And when I was a kid I wanted to be exactly like him when I grew up. I know.” He has those vague memories, but it’s mostly what his mother has told him. He has no true recollection of feeling like that. It changed drastically, at least, after the man left. Lucas hadn’t wanted to be like him at all, then. 

His opinion may be changing slightly. 

“Okay, point taken,” his mother laughs. “I’ll let you get back to your boy.”

Lucas’s heart warms at the title, but he isn’t done quite yet. “How are you, though?”

“I’m good. I’ve been going out with friends a little more, and your aunt stays over a few nights a week. I’ve taken up Zumba.”

Lucas blinks. “Zumba?”

“Yes. The dance classes? Surely you’ve heard of them.”

“I’ve heard of them, yeah, but...why?”

“Well, it keeps me active, and one of the girls from work got me into it. We go together once a week.”

“Oh.” Lucas smiles. “Cool. I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“I am, and better now. You know, I’m so proud of you, Luc.”

“Mama,” Lucas protests, his throat tightening. 

She laughs again, softly. “Alright, alright. I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you, too. I’ll come see you again soon, okay?”

“I should hope so. I can’t wait to meet Jens.”

Lucas huffs, blushing slightly even as his smile widens. “I think you’ll like him.”

“I think so, too. I just hope he likes me.”

“He’ll love you,” Lucas promises. “I’ll talk to you again later, okay?”

“Of course. Bye, sweetheart.”

Lucas returns the sentiment and waits for her to hang up before heading back to his room. 

He moves down the hallway quietly, slipping through the open door and pushing it slightly closed behind him, careful not to let it shut fully and wake the sleeping boy in his bed. Lucas takes a moment to gaze at him. He’s facing the doorway, on the nearest side of the bed, face slack with sleep and dark hair ruffled. He seems peaceful, like this, as if he doesn’t have a worry in the world. Lucas wants to freeze this exact moment and keep it forever. Where Jens is safe, and at peace, with the knowledge that he is loved. 

Lucas rounds the bed and slips under the covers on his side, settling slowly so as not to jostle the mattress too much. Jens shifts just slightly, shoulders hunching, when the duvet is briefly pulled away from his neck. He settles once Lucas presses up against his back and lays an arm around him, carefully tucking them both back under the heat. Lucas presses his nose to Jens’s nape and closes his eyes and just breathes him in. 

He doesn’t sleep. He is already surprised he managed as many hours as he has, without tossing and turning anywhere in the middle, Jens’s weight and warmth enough to keep him centered. Lucas could stay in this position forever, wrapped around Jens, swallowed up in his aura and his scent and his affection, how he presses back against Lucas without hesitation and manages to find a grip on his hand even in sleep. 

He isn’t sure how long they lie there, huddled close, separate to the rest of the world even as it brightens into late-morning light outside the window, quickly gaining on noon. Lucas just stays close and holds on and deadens himself to it, focusing solely on the boy in his arms, occasionally nuzzling his skin or pressing featherlight kisses to his nape. 

It’s one of these that eventually makes Jens stir. He shifts under Lucas’s arm, letting out a sleepy, disgruntled hum into his pillow. It’s the difference in his breathing that makes Lucas sure he has woken, and then his slow movements follow. Instead of turning around to face him, Jens presses back against Lucas and covers the hand on his stomach with his own, slowly threading their fingers together. 

Lucas stays still for a moment, giving him time. He squeezes Jens’s hand and presses a kiss to the nape of his neck, and Jens hugs Lucas’s arm closer around himself. He draws their hands to his mouth and brushes his lips over Lucas’s knuckles. 

“Morning,” Lucas murmurs. 

Jens’s grip tightens on his hand, and he lets out a slow breath. “Morning.”

Lucas leans over to press a kiss to the corner of his jaw, then his cheek, sliding his free arm under Jens’s neck in an attempt to get closer. Jens doesn’t turn towards him, yet, but he sinks back against him, so Lucas tucks his chin over the boy’s shoulder and traces circles on the back of his hand and waits. 

“What time is it?” Jens asks, a while later. 

Lucas shrugs. “A little after eleven, I think.”

Jens sniffs quietly, nodding, snuggling further into his pillow. Lucas keeps holding him for a few silent moments, and then Jens shifts. He lets go of Lucas’s hand. He rolls onto his back first and stares up at the ceiling. 

Lucas tucks his hands under his pillow to avoid reaching out, in case the touch is unwanted. 

“How do you feel? I mean, do you feel sick or anything?” Lucas questions. 

Jens shakes his head, then plucks at the t-shirt he’s wearing, a soft gray one of Lucas’s that fits him just a little too loosely where it clings slightly to Jens. “I feel like I need a shower.”

“Okay,” Lucas says easily. 

“I’m already intruding.”

Lucas abandons his plan and reaches out, sliding his hand over the boy’s chest. “You’re not, idiot. Have you ever worried about that when you stayed over before?”

Jens looks over at him, still picking at the fabric over his chest. His eyes are sad. “It wasn’t like this, then. I was here because you wanted me to be, and because I wanted to be.”

It’s something Lucas hasn’t thought of, but now the idea takes root and steals all his oxygen. “Do you not want to be here now?”

“It’s the only place I’ve wanted to be all week,” Jens admits, lips twitching as he looks at Lucas. 

Lucas breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay. So what’s different then? You want to be here and I want you to be here. Nothing has changed.”

Jens rolls onto his side, tucking one arm underneath him and using the other to breach the gap, reaching out and threading his fingers with Lucas’s under the covers. Lucas feels the cool metal of his ring brush against his skin, reminding him that Jens still wears it. Lucas squeezes his hand and lets himself relax. His eyes skim away from Jens’s and down across his nose, over his cracked lips, the pillow creases in his cheek, the workings of his throat. Jens is here with him, tangible, entirely real and unbelievable at once. Lucas is constantly holding himself back from smothering him in affection. The few inches of space between them feels too big, even with Jens’s hand in his. 

Lucas shifts just a tiny bit closer as Jens clears his throat before speaking up again. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I never meant for that to happen. Obviously. But I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

Lucas shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have left you. I promised myself after…” he trails off, the words getting clogged in his throat. 

Jens squeezes his hand tightly, an understanding twist to his lips, even though he doesn’t know. There are still things he has no idea of. That Lucas hasn’t been able to tell him. 

He supposes there’s no time like the present. 

“I know that you probably don’t feel like talking,” Lucas says. “Not right now.”

Jens drops his gaze and bites his lip, shaking his head. Lucas slips his other hand out from under his pillow to cup Jens’s cheek, stroking over the bone, urging Jens to look at him again. “I just...I don’t actually know how I’m feeling.”

Lucas nods. “Okay. I’m going to try to be honest with you. In an attempt to make it easier, I guess.” When Jens stiffens, he quickly backtracks. “It’s not about you. It’s just about me. I think that maybe...maybe knowing can do something to help you now? And if not, then at least you know me. Really.”

It makes Jens’s brow furrow, but he leans a little closer as he nods, runs his thumb over the back of Lucas’s hand, and Lucas reminds himself that he loves him. That they love each other. 

“Remember what I told you last week about my mom?” Another nod. “Uh, yeah. So there’s more I didn’t tell you, that came after. I mentioned that my dad came back, but that wasn’t really when he came back. That was just because he got the call from the hospital. He stayed for a while until she got home, kind of in and out, just so no one could say I was there alone.” Lucas swallows. “So I had a lot of freedom, I guess. And I was feeling shitty, just all the time. I didn’t even know if my mom was going to be okay and I knew even then she would never truly be _okay_. They couldn’t just cure her and make her my mom again.”

They are memories, and feelings, that Lucas has had boxed up in a far, dark corner of his mind for a long time. He would like to say he hasn’t thought about them, but the time has always plagued him, always threatened to pull him back under. He just hasn’t spoken any of these thoughts aloud to anyone in well over a year.

It’s surprisingly easy, to divulge these secrets to Jens, to place the darker parts of himself under the light for his judgement. 

“I felt guilty, and I still do,” he says quietly. “But instead of that making me want to stick around and help, it made me run further away. I think it was the waiting—the fact that there actually wasn’t anything I could do, that I’d never really be able to help. Not even because I didn’t know how but because nothing helps. But I thought that there were things that could help me. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I started to have panic attacks. Everything was too much, everywhere. I thought if I smoked more, and drank more, and did anything I could to just make my brain stop or slow down or feel lighter for a few minutes...I thought that would help.”

“Luc,” Jens interrupts softly, but Lucas shakes his head. He’s rambling, he knows. It’s a lot to put on Jens at once. He knows. But he’s worried if he stops he’ll lose steam and abandon his task entirely. He needs Jens to understand. 

“I was going out on my own, without Kes or Jayden or anyone, not even telling them I was going. I even tried a few gay bars,” Lucas huffs. “Then one night I barely got home and blacked out in the hallway. It was my aunt that found me when she came to check on Mom.”

“Jesus,” Jens mumbles, eyes sadder now than before. 

Lucas shakes his head before any real worry can set in. “It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t need to go to the hospital, or anything, and it wasn’t like I was addicted. It was just finally the thing that freaked Dad out. He couldn’t blame Mom, because he’d already blamed me for not taking care of her, so he finally took on some of the responsibility. He moved back to take care of me. And he made me go to therapy.”

This seems to be the biggest surprise. There is no huge outward reaction other than silence, which is loud enough to speak for itself. Jens looks at him with the same furrowed brow and sad eyes and pinched lips, and Lucas smooths his thumb over all the creases and waits. 

“And you actually went?” Jens asks eventually. Lucas nods. “For how long?”

“Months,” Lucas admits. “I wasn’t open to it, at first. The blacking out thing hadn’t scared me. It had just finally felt like an escape. So I think I really needed those sessions.”

He raises his brows, and Jens’s lips twitch, but he shakes his head. “And they helped, eventually?”

“Yeah.” Lucas nods, smiling gently as he rubs his thumb over the back of Jens’s hand. “Turns out it’s a lot, having an absent father and a bipolar mother and being deeply, deeply closeted at the same time. On top of all the usual teenage angst,” he jokes. 

It earns him a smile. A small one, albeit, but it’s there. Jens licks his lips before asking, “How did you stop feeling like that? Like you need to just...turn off? Or escape?”

“I haven’t. I still have panic attacks, even. I think everyone has some of that need in them, anyway. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Everyone is messy, Jens. Everyone messes up and wants to run. I still feel like that sometimes, but now I just have ways of satisfying it. I have escapes.”

“Like what?” Jens questions, genuinely curious. 

“There are a lot of things, actually. As stupid as it is, I got really into walking. Trying to find new places, photographing pretty things. Giving my thoughts space to breathe instead of trying to run from them. Music helps, a little. My friends, they started looking out for me more after they figured out the therapy, and being with them helps. Art is a big thing.” Lucas smiles. “You.”

Jens raises his brows. “Me?”

Lucas hums. 

“Is that...healthy?”

Lucas huffs. “I don’t think it’s unhealthy. It just means, I don’t know. I feel quieter with you. Like everything’s not so loud and heavy and just, so much.”

He can almost see the lightbulb go off over Jens’s head. “I make you chill.”

“Yeah,” Lucas laughs quietly. “I guess you do.”

Jens swallows, then detangles his hand from Lucas’s to reach up and card it through his hair. “Thank you,” he murmurs. “For trusting me with all of this. It helps.”

Lucas leans into his touch and smirks without any real edge. “Realising that I’m still messier than you, you mean?”

Jens rolls his eyes, heaving a giant sigh. “Then you have to go and ruin it.”

Lucas snorts, and Jens is finally smiling. The air around them has lightened, the weight of lingering secrets lifted as a new passage of understanding opens between them. 

There’s still an exhaustion ingrained in them both and an elephant in the room stealing the air. Jens’s unknowns are different, but still there. All of his demons have been forced into the light, but the awareness doesn’t help either boy know how to defeat them. Lucas doesn’t know what happened after he left. He doesn’t know what Jens has been struggling with this week, or what combination of fears are still plaguing his mind. 

The only thing they’re aware of that they can control is that they are together. The events of a week ago have created fissures in them both, but nothing has broken _them_. If anything, Lucas is more sure now than ever. 

It’s this heady sensation, this deep _knowing_ , that finally has him leaning in and closing the gap. Jens’s lips are dry, even more so than usual, but they mold and shift with Lucas’s just the same. He’s able to share his breath, expend some of his love into Jens as he curls a hand in his raven locks. It’s unnatural, how much Lucas has missed him. It’s worth it, for the feeling of having him back. 

Jens pulls away too soon with a small hum of protest. The remaining tiredness seems to have sunk in as he shifts back with his eyes still closed, pressing his cheek to his pillow. “I still have morning breath,” he mumbles. 

Lucas scoffs and leans in to give him another peck, letting his hand slide from Jens’s hair to settle on his cheek. He brushes their noses together and watches the boy’s eyelashes flutter and finally manages a smile of his own. “I don’t care. I missed you.”

Jens smiles, but it’s tight. He opens his eyes slowly, then keeps them focused somewhere around Lucas’s chin. “What am I supposed to do, Luc?”

“What do you want?”

“I want to be able to go home. But I can’t. Even for my phone, my clothes...I can’t do it. I’d never be able to stay.”

Lucas exhales through his nose and draws Jens to his chest. Jens goes easily, tucking himself against Lucas, arms instantly winding around his waist. Lucas holds him and pets through his hair and thinks, but there doesn’t seem to be a viable solution. 

“How did your mom react?” Lucas questions quietly. “Lotte said she was mad at your dad.”

Jens tilts his head back to look up at him with wide eyes. “How did you speak to Lotte?”

“We, uhm, went to your house. On Sunday. None of us had heard from you and we were all freaking out and so Moyo offered to go and say he’d planned to meet you. I don’t think your dad gave him a very polite greeting, though. He saw through him instantly.”

“But you weren’t there?” Jens presses. 

Lucas shakes his head. “I waited down the street with Sander and Robbe. Lotte was out, I don’t know how or why, and she told us she thought you had gone to Lies. I just made sure she was alright and Robbe and I gave her our numbers.”

Jens leans back into him and presses a kiss to his chest. “Of course you did.”

“I had to do something. It’s a problem of mine.”

Jens curls his arms tighter around Lucas and squeezes. “I don’t have a problem with it. Just because he…” Jens trails off, then starts again. “I don’t have a problem with you. With us.”

For a moment, Lucas simply lets the words settle. He closes his eyes and drops a kiss on Jens’s hair, holding onto him tightly, overwhelmed with love. “Good,” he murmurs. “It just sucks.”

Jens hums. 

“You can stay here,” Lucas continues at the same level. “I was talking to Dad this morning and he agrees. For as long as you need.”

“But not forever.” Jens pulls away again, settling an inch away from Lucas on the pillows as he swallows. “This is nice, and I’m so grateful, Luc, but it isn’t a permanent solution.”

Lucas shrugs. “Life isn’t permanent.”

Jens doesn’t react to that, but scrubs his hand over his eyes and sighs heavily. The weight Lucas had let off almost seems to have settled on his shoulders, but Lucas knows it’s all Jens’s own. It doesn’t make it any easier for either of them to bear. 

“Hey,” Lucas says softly, catching Jens’s hand again and drawing it down. “We’ll figure something out. You’re here and safe right now and that’s what matters. We just have to take things minute by minute.”

This causes a pause, and then another smile makes its way to the surface. “Did you hear that from Moyo or Robbe?”

Lucas smiles back, sliding an arm around his shoulders and tilting their heads together. “From Sander last night, actually. I think it’s pretty sound advice.”

“Don’t tell Moyo that, please,” Jens says, and Lucas laughs. “Maybe, though.”

Lucas’s smile widens, and he speaks his next words in a whisper. “So for example, in this minute. Instead of thinking about where you were or where you’re going to go, just be here. Somewhere you know you’re safe, with someone who loves you.”

It has the immediate effect of making Jens’s eyes glisten. Despite his earlier protests, he presses forward and grants Lucas another kiss. “I didn’t get to say it out loud before,” Jens breathes against his lips. “But I love you. I’m sure.”

Lucas kisses him again, a little harder. Surer. “I know. I hated thinking that you didn’t.”

He worries that Jens will mistake his phrasing, but he catches it easily. “I knew. It was hard to believe, maybe, but harder to deny. I’ve always been trying to look for it, I think, and you make it very easy to find.”

“Good,” Lucas huffs, smiling. “It’s all yours.”

Jens tucks his head down, taking his own smile away and pressing it to Lucas’s shoulder, kissing him over his shirt. Lucas wraps him up again, pressing a kiss to his temple. They breathe quietly together. It’s getting easier with each minute. 

“Your dad won’t be back until tomorrow?” Jens questions, recollecting their brief conversation from the night before. 

Lucas shakes his head. “Nope. So today, no stress. We could invite Robbe over, if you want.”

Jens considers it for a moment. “Maybe I’ll just call him, today. I kind of want to just be with you.”

It shouldn’t make Lucas quite as happy as it does, but he can’t say he minds the idea of having Jens to himself. He doesn’t want to let him out of his sight anytime soon, and he doesn’t want to share the time they’ve already missed out on. He’d be comfortable enough spending the day with Jens right here, but he thinks a little excitement is something they both need. 

“You’ve got a deal, as long as you help me put up the Christmas tree.”

Jens leans back and blinks at him. 

Lucas pulls his best pleading expression, wide-eyed and pouty-lipped, and Jens is rolling his eyes and kissing it away in seconds. “Not what I expected, but okay,” he agrees. “Shower first, though.” His voice lowers to ask, “Do you want to join me?”

Now it’s Lucas’s turn to blink at him. 

“Not like that,” Jens says hastily. “I mean, not to do anything but just…just,” he shrugs. Then, “Only if you want to. I just kinda don’t wanna leave the bed otherwise.”

Lucas grins, understanding sinking in. He smushes Jens’s cheeks and kisses the puckered lips, murmuring an ‘I love you’ against them. 

Jens brightens enough to return his smile, but instead of getting up, he returns to his position in Lucas’s arms, head tucked under his chin. “For a later minute, then.”

Lucas’s smile softens. “For another minute.”

**_Sunday, 16:38_ **

**Song: _Troye Sivan - The Good Side_**

Jens stands at the window with one hand in his pocket and the other holding a mug of Lucas’s famous hot chocolate. He feels cosy, with the beverage and his own hoodie, freshly washed and still smelling somewhat of Lucas with the shared fabric softener. The rain outside has turned into snow, heavy enough to cover the pavement but just dusting the trees. It’s washed in orange tones under the streetlights, but there’s a frost on the window. It finally looks wintery, and cold, and it’s a little like being a kid, looking out with a vague stirring of excitement while being safely tucked away in the warmth. There are marshmallows in his hot chocolate and the lights on the Christmas tree in the corner are already twinkling. It’s homely. Cosy.

Jens can only bring himself to half-appreciate. It’s not exactly the same, when he can’t actually go home. 

He’s warmed up further when a body presses up against his back. The arms that slide around his waist feel a little more familiar. He wonders if it’s possible, or okay, to make a little home of his own for a while. 

Lucas presses a kiss to the back of his neck then rests his head between his shoulder blades, hugging him loosely. They’ve spent the past two days like this, in almost constant contact. Even while decorating the tree yesterday they had distracted themselves, stopping every few minutes to sidle up to the other and kiss an available patch of skin or tease them over their decorating choices. Lucas has been good at keeping the mood light, at making Jens feel somewhat okay and a lot less alone. Last night, Jens had spent more time watching him than sleeping. 

“What are you thinking about?” Lucas questions. 

Jens glances around at him, smiling slightly. “You.”

Lucas tilts his head up and raises his brows. “What about me?”

“Just you.” Jens shrugs, twisting around to pull the boy into his arms, careful of the mug in his hand. “That I’m lucky to have you. Be here with you.” He presses a kiss to Lucas’s temple. “In your bed.” Then his cheek. “In your shower.”

Lucas huffs, elbowing him lightly in the stomach and Jens calls a protest, quickly retreating with his mug held up in defense. He takes a sip and the marshmallows bump against his lips. He licks over his top lip when he lowers the mug and grins as Lucas tracks the movement. Lucas takes the mug and sets it on the windowsill before looping his arms around Jens’s neck and pulling him down into a kiss. 

Jens goes easily, as he always does, unable to resist Lucas at any given moment. Lucas laps it up, as he always does, and provides accordingly, making Jens putty in his hands with just a few skillful brushes of lips. It’s the best way to forget. This is their little universe, just the two of them and their touch. It doesn’t matter where they are. It makes everything else in Jens quiet, too. It reminds him that he’s real, and needed, right here in this universe. 

_Wanted._

“Sometimes I really wish it could just be like this all the time,” Jens mumbles, mouths and noses and foreheads still brushing. “Just you and me. Is that bad?”

Lucas shakes his head, kissing him gently. “I wish for that all the time,” he whispers. “Just me and you, whole universe to ourselves, making out wherever and whenever we want.”

Jens snorts and shakes his head, squeezing Lucas’s hip. “Nice,” he mutters, and Lucas hums and kisses him again. 

After a while, Lucas settles into a hug instead, tucking his face into Jens’s neck and sliding his arms around his waist. “I know what you mean, though. It’s been nice just being in our bubble.”

“Yeah. But that ends this evening. Then tomorrow, back to school and reality.”

“You don’t have to go to school,” Lucas says softly. 

It would be nice if it was that simple, but it isn’t. Jens knows Lucas is definitely going to go to school, and he’ll feel weird if he has to stay in Lucas’s apartment alone. Or worse, with the boy’s father. He’ll likely fail the remaining exams, because he hasn’t even had any books to study, but he’ll have to take most of the resits already anyway. 

“I should. I think it’ll be better than not going. That feels overdramatic, or something.”

Lucas leans away to look at him. “Jens, you aren’t being dramatic. In fact there’s been a worrying lack of reaction from you.”

Jens breathes out through his nose and rests their heads together, closing his eyes, wondering if it’ll be easier to say the words into the dark. “I’ve already spent a week thinking about nothing else. I just...I want to feel a little normal again. I’m so tired of having to react.”

Lucas rubs his side, unbothered by the occasional catch of his fingers against the hoodie. “It doesn’t match your usual chill vibe,” he allows. “Still. Trying to just ignore it...that doesn’t help.”

“It’s impossible to ignore. I’m not doing that.” Jens shakes his head, licking his lips. “I just don’t want it to be the only thing. I want to be able to be with you and to go to school and to sleep. I don’t want the world to stop spinning so I can wallow.”

“But would you mind, if the world stopped spinning and kept us like this right now?” Lucas bumps their heads together, and Jens pulls him closer, lips pulling up slightly. “See. It isn’t just time to wallow. It’s just time. To figure things out a little, and re-centre, and give yourself room to breathe.”

Jens opens his eyes and considers the boy in front of him, trying to figure out how to word his thoughts better. “It’s not like that, though. Whenever I’m just on my own, with too much time...I can’t breathe. It doesn’t work like that. With you, it’s different. But I definitely can’t just stay here all day waiting for you to come back.”

“Well, I could always stay with you.”

Jens shifts back and tilts his head, giving him an unimpressed look. “No, you can’t.”

“I am an adult, and I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Lucas raises his brows, smiling smugly. 

“Is that so?”

Lucas jumps at the voice, and Jens’s heart quickens, but when they turn to look at the man in the doorway he finds a smile. He’s tall, probably around Jens’s own height, and a little broader, with hair the same shade as Lucas’s and a light scruff around his chin. His eyes are bright, and warm, and remind Jens of Lucas’s even though they differ in colour. The similarity is certainly present and overall there’s nothing entirely threatening about his demeanor. 

Jens drops his hands from Lucas and shrinks back as Lucas flushes. 

“I didn’t hear you come in.” Lucas raises a brow. 

“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt,” the man shrugs. “But I couldn’t help overhearing your plans in passing and now you’ve made me curious.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, just slightly, and then grips Jens’s wrist, softly caressing the skin on the inner side. He steps forwards, towards his father, drawing Jens with him. Jens keeps just a little bit behind as the man’s eyes skim over him. 

Lucas seems only slightly nervous as he says, “Dad, this is Jens.”

The man holds a hand out, and Jens takes it carefully, looking at the kind smile and searching for his voice. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr Van Der Heijden.”

The title is waved off as their handshake ends. “None of that. Just call me Hugo, alright? You’ll make me feel too old.”

It makes Jens relax a little as he nods, managing, finally, to return the smile. 

“I wish we were meeting under different circumstances, but I’m happy to have you here all the same,” Hugo says. Then he gestures at his son. “And I’m happy to see this one smiling.”

Lucas flushes again, and Jens decides he quite likes this interaction as he offers Hugo a shrug. “I like that better, too.”

Hugo grins. Lucas grows redder, but said smile is working its way onto his lips. “I should’ve realised how awful it would be to put up with you both.”

“We’re excellent company,” Hugo waves him off. “You certainly didn’t seem too eager to leave it, before.”

“He was just joking,” Jens says hastily, regretting it when he earn’s the man’s attention. “We’ll both be going to school. I wouldn’t let him miss the exams.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t, but I’m not sure this one would listen to you,” Hugo gestures at Lucas with a huff, still smiling. He softens as he looks at Jens, skimming his eyes over him again, lingering on his tensed shoulders and where Lucas is still loosely gripping his wrist. His tone gentles, but loses its fond teasing to take on a more serious note. “You don’t have to be scared here, Jens.”

Jens’s throat closes up, but he shakes his head. “I—no, sorry. It’s just been a long time, since I did the ‘meeting-the-parents’ thing,” he admits, then instantly blushes. 

Hugo’s smile returns and he laughs, carefully settling his hand on Jens’s shoulder and gives a squeeze. “Well, this is the first time I’ve ever done the ‘meeting-the-boyfriend’ thing. So there’s still no need for nerves, alright?”

Lucas squeezes his wrist, and Jens nods, and after another small consideration the man steps forward and captures him in a short hug. His grip is tight, but not forceful, and beyond the surprise Jens finds himself sinking into it. He closes his eyes when they start to water, after realising it’s so surprising because he has never experienced it. He can’t help but wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be, or if Lucas is just really lucky. 

Hugo releases him too quickly, and Jens quickly and quietly clears his throat to get rid of the emotions clogged there. The sudden absence of contact is mended by Lucas pulling him back against his side, hand now clearly gripping Jens’s with their fingers interlocked.

“Come on, let’s sit down first,” Hugo beckons, setting his hand on his son’s arm this time as he pushes them back inside the room and lets Lucas guide the way to the sofa. Lucas sits down and pulls Jens with him and Hugo takes the armchair, leaning forward with his hands clasped between his knees. “Do you want to talk about your options, Jens?”

Jens licks his lips, leaning closer to Lucas. “My options?”

Hugo nods. “Now, before you worry, you’re staying here for as long as you need. No arguments. You were always welcome.”

Jens relaxes, nodding gratefully as Lucas sets a hand on his knee. 

“I’m just talking about what could help. There are measures you could take, over what happened,” Hugo says softly. 

“I don’t want anything like that. It’s not—I didn’t even think about it. I’m not doing that.”

He worries that it’s too harsh, but Hugo is already smiling and nodding again, working to put him back at ease. “Alright. Feel free to stop me, any time, if you don’t want to discuss it, alright?” He waits for Jens to nod before continuing. “I mostly want to know if you have any concerns. Lucas mentioned a younger sister?”

Jens swallows. “Yeah, Lotte. I don’t think that I have to worry. It’s never been like…” he trails off, searching for the words, avoiding both their gazes. “He isn’t violent, or anything. Not really, not like that.”

Hugo purses his lips, but accepts the explanation without pushing any further for now. “What about your mother?”

“I don’t actually know. I thought that...that she agreed with him. She usually does. But then I realised she wasn’t even aware of what he was doing, and she was the reason I got out. She doesn’t—I never actually got to tell her anything. I don’t know what she thinks.”

“Then is it possible that she’d be on your side in this?” Hugo asks gently. “I know if, like you say, she usually supports your father, it can seem like the obvious answer to everything. But this is a very specific situation. You’re her son, and very often that counts for something more.”

The back of Jens’s eyes prick, and he does his best to blink the sensation away, tightly gripping Lucas’s hand again. Jens had returned his ring, and it’s there now on Lucas’s finger for Jens to run his thumb over, a point of focus. “I don’t know. I can’t imagine she would kick him out and that’s the only way…”

“I see. When are you eighteen, Jens?”

“Uhm. Next month. The nineteenth.”

Hugo nods. “Would it be suitable, then, to work towards other living arrangements? I understand the finance can be scary, and having a job in your final year is an additional layer of stress. But there are supports available, and I could give you a helping hand.”

Gosh, no. Jens can’t be any more of a burden. He quickly shakes his head. “I couldn’t accept that. It’s kind enough of you to let me stay here for a few weeks, but I promise I won’t be that much of a bother.”

“And what happens in a few weeks?” Hugo raises a brow. Jens stays quiet. “Jens, you’re really welcome here for as long as you need. Until you graduate if necessary. I just understand that it might not be the most comfortable feeling for you. But we don’t have to worry about it right now, alright? It’s just something we’ll work towards thinking about.”

After a while of hesitation, Jens nods in acceptance and hears Lucas’s quiet breath of relief. Jens squeezes his hand and relaxes slightly as Lucas squeezes back. 

“What about your belongings? I see you had some of your clothes stored for you, but I’m assuming it’s not quite a full wardrobe. What about school supplies, even?”

“I didn’t take anything,” Jens admits. “I don’t even have my phone.”

Hugo hums. “Alright. Would you like me to go collect some things for you?”

Jens’s eyes widen. “Oh, no, you don’t have to do that.”

“Well, I would prefer it to sending you on your own, or with Lucas,” Hugo points out. 

“No, really. I can manage without for another few days, then maybe get another friend to come with.”

“Of course, you can do what feels best, and take someone closer,” Hugo nods. “My offer still stands. Even if you just want someone to drive you, so you have a boot for the luggage. At any time.”

Jens nods again, overwhelmed with the generosity. His gratitude has rendered him speechless, and he’s almost relieved when Hugo claps his hands against his knees and then rises from the chair. 

“Alright, I’ve done enough pushing and prodding at you. Tell me when I’m too much, kiddo. How about I make us some dinner to make up for it, hm?”

“Do you still know how to do that?” Lucas asks dubiously. 

Hugo scoffs, looking over his shoulder on his way to the door. “Just for that, you’re waiting longer for a gourmet meal.”

Lucas snorts as the man winks at them, then tilts his head against Jens’s shoulder once he’s out of sight. Jens sinks against him and releases a shaky breath. 

“Are you okay?” Lucas questions, voice quiet even in the silent room. There’s distant movement, the sound of knocking cupboard doors and clanging pots and pans. Everything about it holds an intimacy Jens doesn’t feel entirely familiar with. 

“Yeah,” Jens says honestly. “I actually can’t believe how cool he is.”

“For my sake, you’ll never tell him.”

Jens snorts. 

“You’re right, though,” Lucas says quietly. “It’s good to have an actual adult who knows what they’re talking about, I guess.”

Jens hums, turning to press a kiss to the top of Lucas’s head before resting his cheek there. “By the way, the clothes thing. Does that mean he saw you in my hoodie?”

Lucas huffs. “Of course, that’s what you’d pick up on.”

“That’s kind of adorable.”

“Shut up.”

Jens laughs, about to say something else when the buzzer to the apartment sounds and he and Lucas pause to look at each other. After a few seconds, Hugo appears in the doorway with a furrowed brow. 

“Were you expecting anyone?” he asks. They shake their heads, and he gestures for them to stay where they are. “Alright, I’ll see who it is.”

When he disappears into the hallway, Jens rises to his feet. He shifts his weight anxiously, staring at the door, and then Lucas is up and pulling him along. They creep out of the room quietly, though not enough to avoid Hugo’s notice, who shoots an aggravated look back at them before there’s a knock on the door. Lucas and Jens remain mostly concealed around the corner as Hugo cracks the door open. There’s a pause, and then he pulls it open fully and looks back as two boys are revealed in the entryway. 

Jens steps out and Robbe barrels into him instantly, knocking the wind out of him as he winds his arms tightly around Jens’s waist. Jens comes out of his shock quickly and returns the hug, pulling Robbe into his chest with arms wrapped around his shoulders and face buried in his curls. 

“Fuck, I missed your dumb face,” Robbe croaks, clinging to him, and Jens tightens his own hold with a hoarse laugh. 

“I missed your dumb-ass,” Jens returns, completing the old joke. Robbe just keeps hugging him silently, pressed as close as he can get, and Jens eagerly accepts the affection of his best friend. It’s even more familiar than Lucas, and while it doesn’t incite quite the same reaction, it’s just as comforting. 

“I know you didn’t invite us, but he got impatient,” Sander says apologetically, presumably talking to Lucas. “I did send you a text.”

“My phone’s in my room,” Lucas says. “Don’t worry about it.”

Robbe finally loosens up and steps back as Hugo speaks up, most of his attention on the new arrivals. “Wait, don’t tell me,” he holds a finger up to Lucas, before pointing it at Sander, still hovering in the doorway. “You’re Sander,” he guesses, leaving the boy nodding awkwardly as Hugo turns to his boyfriend. “So you must be Robbe.”

Instead of agreeing, Robbe blushes, one of his hands still curled in Jens’s hoodie. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have barged in.”

Sander hums in agreement, nodding at him. “He’s usually the polite one,” he tells Hugo. 

Hugo waves them off with his already-familiar smile. “Understood. These are special circumstances, I imagine. I was just about to start on dinner, if the two of you would like to join?”

Sander’s lips part as he and Robbe share a bewildered look and Robbe quickly shakes his head. “No really, we didn’t mean to intrude—“

“Nonsense,” Hugo scoffs, ushering Sander inside along with them. “Come on, come in, sit down. It’ll be a while, anyway, so you can catch up while it’s cooking. Finally, I’m getting to meet you. I missed having a group of boys to feed.”

“Dad, you’re being weird,” Lucas says, exasperated, but Hugo merely flaps a hand at him and makes his way back to the kitchen. 

“No allergies?” he calls back to them. 

They all confirm the negative, and he offers a thumbs up before disappearing, leaving them all staring after in silence. Sander is the one to break it, looking to Lucas with raised brows, teasing smirk already in place. “Personally, I think he’s swell.”

Lucas groans, and Jens laughs, and Robbe beams at him before gathering him in another hug. 

Jens accepts it with a growing warmth in his chest. 

**_Monday, 08:08_ **

**Song: _Mr Probz - Waves_**

Jens is nervous. 

His hand bumps against Lucas’s, fingers twitching as if planning to intertwine before they flutter away, raising to rub at the back of his neck or push through his hair. Lucas hesitates to take it in his own. He doesn’t want to increase Jens’s anxiety by pushing unwanted affection onto him, and he certainly doesn’t want to do it in the middle of the street. Since telling their friends, Jens has been more than open with their relationship, almost to the point of flaunting it, but Lucas can’t be sure that recent events haven’t changed that. 

He is reassured slightly when, about a block away from the school, Jens finally gives in and grips his hand tightly. Lucas holds on, squeezes, brushes his thumb over the skin soothingly, all he can think of to make Jens relax. But when he notices the uneven cadence of the other’s breath, he draws them to a stop and tucks them in against the wall, blocking Jens from the odd passerby with his body. 

“Hey,” he says, coaxing Jens around towards him and capturing his gaze. “You don’t have to do this. You can go back to the flat. We both can.”

Jens shakes his head, taking another uneven breath. “It’s just getting in there. I’m fine, I swear. I have Robbe waiting and you with me. I’m good.”

Lucas squeezes his hand. “You have all of us,” he reminds Jens softly. “You have a crazy amount of friends who love you and would do anything for you.”

“I know.” Jens blows out a sigh, nodding. “I know that.”

“Okay. How about we just take a minute here, hm? Just a few extra seconds for us.”

Jens nods again, closing his eyes and leaning into Lucas. Lucas sets a hand on the back of Jens’s neck and plays with the ends of his hair, trying to soothe his own heart. This is so far from the Jens that he’s familiar with, and it pains him to see. He has seen Jens falter, has witnessed a number of his inner struggles and seen him both sad and unsure. But these are always simply moments—washed away in a sudden instant with a smile and a light beautiful enough to challenge the moon. Lucas hates that this runs deeper. He hates that Jens is in _pain_ and there’s very little anyone can do to take it away. 

“Stop worrying about me,” Jens pokes him in the side. “You’re gonna get frown lines if you keep pouting like that.”

“And you wouldn’t love me then?”

Jens pretends to consider it for a little too long, and Lucas punches his shoulder. Jens makes an exaggerated sound of pain, then laughs when Lucas presses up onto his toes to give him a brief kiss. 

“Come on,” Jens mumbles, before stealing another peck. “I’m okay.”

Lucas sighs, settling back on his feet. “Okay.” He retakes Jens’s hand and leads them towards the gate, merging back in with the growing stream of other students. 

Jens does seems a little more relaxed, and nothing in his posture changes as they make it to the courtyard. They both cast their gazes around, but it isn’t hard to find a bundle of familiar faces. The other boys are sat at their usual table to the side of the building, but this time the girls are with them. They are crowded onto the bench seats and perched on the table and standing at the side and completely and totally oblivious to Lucas and Jens’s arrival until they’re just a couple of feet away. Yasmina spots them then and her lips turn up in a smile as she waves, earning the attention of the rest of the table. Jens’s grip on Lucas’s hand tightens just slightly. 

Moyo is rocking back and forth on his feet as they grow nearer, and he latches onto Jens as soon as the boy is within reach. He pulls him into a brief but tight grip, clapping his back once and offering a greeting that Jens easily returns. 

Lucas watches the interaction with a smile, and accepts Moyo’s fist-bump/handshake combo when it’s offered. 

“Morning, boys,” Zoë says, smiling gently at them both as Robbe scoots down the bench, shoving Aaron on the way until there’s enough space for Jens to slide in next to them. Lucas simply takes up his station behind him, looping his arms loosely around Jens’s shoulders and smiling when his boyfriend sneaks a kiss to his hand. 

“Ey, come on,” Luca waves a hand at them from across the table. “Isn’t there enough affection from living together without the public displays?”

“Still jealous, I see,” Jens quips, raising his brows at her as Lucas huffs a quiet laugh, relief already spreading through him. 

Luca flips him off and sticks her tongue out at him, and Yasmina laughs from her place standing next to her. “That’s a great way to defend your maturity.”

“Thank you.” Luca takes a mini bow to herself. 

Robbe elbows Jens in the side before propping his cheek on his fist, twisted around to smile at them. “I think they’re cute.”

“Of course, you do,” Moyo snorts. When Lucas elbows him, he adds, in protest, “I didn’t say he wasn’t right.”

Jens reaches up to grip Lucas’s hands, leaning a little further against him, content to let his friends and boyfriend joke and bicker. It works to put Lucas at ease, too, when he’s able to note the tiny smile on Jens’s face. 

Zoë speaks up hesitantly from where she stands at the opposite corner of the table, next to Amber. “I’m not trying to be nosy or pushy,” she says slowly, “but what are your living arrangements?”

It manages to suck a little of the light back out. Zoë already seems apologetic as Jens’s shoulders curve inwards, making himself a little smaller even as he shrugs. “I’m just staying with Lucas, for the time being.”

They all absorb this for a moment. Aaron looks across at them and asks, “Like until it blows over or...you find something else?”

“I don’t think this will be something that blows over,” Jens admits quietly. 

Moyo shakes his head, scuffing his shoe loudly against the concrete with his arms crossed over his chest. “That’s some fucking bullshit. You haven’t even gone back to get your stuff this weekend, have you?”

He hasn’t, and it’s obvious by the fact that he’s wearing Lucas’s clothes, which aren’t quite as loose as his usual outfits. They’re all also aware that Jens still doesn’t have his phone, though he’d been able to use Lucas’s laptop to stay in contact with them and to call Jana the night before. Lucas had sat in the sitting room with his dad to give Jens his privacy, and he’d joined them about an hour later with red eyes and less of a weight on his shoulders. 

Jens shakes his head and tugs Lucas’s hands, and Lucas holds him closer against him. 

“Do you want somebody to go with you?” Yasmina asks. 

“I don’t know. Luc’s dad already offered to drive me, but I don’t actually know if it’s the best idea to let them interact.”

“I’ll come with you,” Moyo immediately offers. “Luc can even come in the car as moral support if his dad’s driving us. Whenever you want to do it.”

“If you want to do it,” Lucas corrects. “Dad can go get your things, seriously. And I’d make sure he does it on his best behavior.”

Jens tilts his head back to look up at him, debating over the two options. He eventually seems to come to a decision and asks, “Would he be able to drive us tomorrow evening?”

Lucas nods. “If we ask him, he’ll make it work for you, yeah.”

Jens glances up at Moyo, but the boy is already shaking his head. “You don’t even have to ask, man. I’m there.” He taps Jens’s temple with his knuckle and earns himself a grateful smile, that he only returns with a nod. 

“If you’re looking for somewhere,” Zoë speaks again, drawing the attention back towards her, “I think Milan would love to have you.”

“Yes, fuck,” Robbe brightens, smiling at her. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

Lucas can’t believe he hadn’t, either, but Jens quietly admits, “I thought about it. But I still have no way of paying the rent.”

“Dad said—“ Lucas starts, but is cut off by Jens squeezing his hands. 

“I know. But I can’t accept that.”

“Did he offer to help you pay?” Yasmina raises her brows. “Jens, an offer like that must be genuine.”

“I know,” Jens repeats, sighing. “But it’s too much. First I’m living in his house and then he’s paying my rent? What does that look like?”

Lucas squeezes him. “Who cares?” When Jens looks up at him again, he continues. “I don’t. Dad doesn’t. I’m pretty sure Milan wouldn’t. You really _could_ get a part-time job and he could just help make ends meet.”

“Did you think about getting a job?” Moyo asks. Lucas and Jens nod. “There’s a place going at the cafe. They’d hire you no problem.”

Jens blinks at him. “Really?”

“Yeah, man. It’s basic enough work and the pay is minimal enough but honestly better than most places. They don’t need much of a CV for washing dishes and busting tables. It’s gonna be a little more stress on top of school, but if you want it, I’ll see if I can get you an interview?”

“Seriously? Do you even have that much sway?”

Moyo shrugs. “I’m one of their highest-tipped workers. They love me. Honestly, man, you could handle this job like a pro.”

Jens still hesitates, looking up at Lucas again for help. Lucas squeezes his hands and shrugs, but smiles encouragingly. “I can’t see anything wrong with trying.”

“If it gets too much, you can always quit,” Amber points out. Lucas thinks this is the first time he’s seen her so serious, without her usual bubbly demeanor. “We can all help take care of you if you need us.”

“Even Jana,” Zoë reminds him. “She told me you spoke to her. Just because she’s not here doesn’t mean she’s not available for you any time.”

Robbe bumps Jens’s shoulder. “Sander, too. And Milan and Senne. Any of us, any time, okay?”

Jens’s nod is slight, and Lucas can tell he’s getting overwhelmed. It doesn’t seem to be in a bad way, however, so he feels safe enough to lean down and press a kiss to Jens’s hair. “And me, always,” he whispers against his temple, and Jens clutches his hand and lets out a tremulous breath. 

“You’re sure Milan wants to put up with another stray?” he asks Zoë. 

Zoë grins at him. “I think he’d love nothing more.”

“He’ll be fucking ecstatic,” Robbe agrees. “We’ll never escape him.”

Zoë and Jens laugh, and Jens glances around them all another time before breathing, “Thank you.”

The first bell rings before they can offer any more sappy replies, so they all simply smile, before sighing or groaning as they rise and collect their things. 

“I’m a little disappointed that not a single one of you offered to take my exams for me,” Jens sighs. “Especially you, Robbe. I’m friends with you for a reason, nerd.”

Robbe makes an affronted noise and gives him a shove, leading into a chase towards the school as Jens runs away from him with a laugh bursting out. 

Lucas grins as Luca joins his side and fondly claps his shoulder, hoping that things are finally looking up. 

**_Tuesday, 17:19_ **

**Songs: _The Neighbourhood - Compass; Loud Luxury - Aftertaste_**

“We’ll be sitting here waiting for you, okay kiddo?”

Jens hums, rubbing his hands over his—Lucas’s—sweats and looking past Moyo out of the car window. He’s sat between Moyo and Lucas in the backseat, with Moyo stiff on his left and Lucas comforting at his right. Lucas has been leaning against his side, playing with his fingers, offering small affectionate touches for the duration of the journey after refusing the passenger seat. Hugo hasn’t seemed to mind driving them around as if he’s a taxi service, content to flick his eyes up towards the mirror every now and again to check on them. 

“However long you need,” Lucas agrees. “Moyo’s with you and we’re not far. You don’t have to rush, or panic.”

Jens takes a slow breath. “I’m not panicking.”

“Okay, good.”

“Dude, you’ve been jiggling your leg the whole fucking time,” Moyo sighs. “Chill. Everything’s going to be fine, alright?”

Everything is already very far from fine, but Jens doesn’t think he really needs to point that out. The following, weighted silence makes it clear that they all already know. He appreciates Moyo’s attempts at reassurance, though they don’t quite work. Lucas’s hand in his is slightly calming, but he’s going to have to let go just to get out of the car, and Lucas can’t follow him beyond that. Jens won’t let him. 

He doesn’t need anyone to hold his hand. He’s perfectly capable of standing on his own. 

“You’ll stay with me the whole time, right?” he asks Moyo. 

“From the second we step out of this car I’m sticking to you like a leech,” Moyo confirms. “I’ve got your back, seriously.”

Lucas squeezes his hand, as well, and Jens nods and takes another breath and then gestures for Moyo to open the door. 

Moyo opens the door, and gets out, and Jens doesn’t move. 

“Hey,” Lucas says softly. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” Jens and Hugo say in unison. 

Lucas rolls his eyes. “Okay, fine. How about I just walk you up the street a little then?”

Jens licks his lips and considers it. The chances are that his father won’t even be home yet. Nothing will happen to Lucas in the middle of the street, within Hugo’s sight and with Jens and Moyo by his side. Nothing will happen to them just for getting out of the car. 

“Okay,” he breathes. “You can do that.”

Lucas offers him a smile and a nod, carding his hand through Jens’s hair soothingly before Jens clears his throat and slides towards the door. 

“Within my sight,” he hears Hugo say as he gets out. “And give him a bloody kiss or something, will you? Poor boy is shaking.”

Jens hadn’t realised it was quite so noticeable, but he’s been acutely aware of how much his hands are trembling. He can’t quite get them to stop. Lucas’s response is muffled as he opens his own door but Jens catches Hugo say, “Weird, yeah, yeah, whatever. You’ll thank me for it eventually,” and assumes it had been a complaint. 

He shuts the door as Lucas steps out and shuts the other, immediately rounding the car and taking Jens’s hand as Moyo sets a hand on his shoulder. 

It relaxes him, and yet he has to resist the urge to shrug them both off. “It’s not such a big deal. I’m going into my own fucking house. Why can’t I do that?”

“You can,” Lucas assures. “You’re just psyching yourself out. You said he’s probably not even home, right? You’ll be fine.”

“What if I’m wrong, though?”

“I’ll be with you, and you’ll still be fine,” Moyo says. “We just go as far as you can. Whatever point it gets too much, we’re out. Luc’s dad will step in if you ask, or I can get your stuff myself.”

Jens presses the heels of his hands to his eyes and takes another shaky breath. “Fuck, I hate this.”

Lucas wraps his arms around him and draws Jens’s head down onto his shoulder. Jens lets himself be held as he tries to reign in his thoughts, but his mind is racing a mile a minute. For a while, he’s been reluctant to return to this house, but never before has he been scared. 

Right now, he’s terrified. 

He can’t stop remembering his father’s voice, his eyes, his hands, all full of an anger Jens still can’t comprehend. He had, at a point, thought that parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally. 

Instead his father hates him for something Jens can’t even change. For something he didn’t choose and doesn’t control. For who he is, and worse, for who he loves. 

He can’t believe that he’s in this position because he loves Lucas. 

A part of him wonders, if his father could somehow come to know Lucas, would his opinion change. Lucas isn’t just any boy. He’s the best person Jens knows. Surely no one could blame him for loving this boy, if they knew him. How was Jens ever supposed to resist? 

“Okay,” he mumbles against Lucas’s shoulder. Lucas presses a kiss to his cheek before he can move away. “Let’s go.”

Lucas retakes his hand and Moyo claps his back and they make their way down the street, and when they’re still a good few houses away Jens makes Lucas stop and turn back. Lucas, thankfully, doesn’t argue, but presses up on his toes to offer another kiss. Jens turns his head so that Lucas catches his lips instead of his cheek, and it’s just a tiny glimpse of the contact he craves, but it’s enough. 

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of him for loving Lucas. He has what he wants. It’s more than enough for Lucas himself to love him back. 

“You’ve got this,” Lucas reminds him. “I’m waiting.”

Jens blows him a kiss as Lucas walks backwards down the street towards the car. Lucas grins and turns, and Jens doesn’t have time to panic before Moyo is setting a hand on his shoulder, stabilising him. 

“Come on. The quicker you get this done the quicker you can come make some more kissy faces at him,” Moyo teases, flicking his cheek. 

Jens bats him away with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous, too.”

“As if.” Moyo claps his back, then starts back into motion. 

Jens follows him down the street with his heart climbing into his throat. His pulse is a rapid beat and his hands, now free, are sweaty and shaky once again. It’s pathetic. He shouldn’t be so scared. He should stop over-exaggerating. These are the thoughts that plague him. This is his reasoning. He can’t quite abide by it. 

He also can’t bring himself to knock, even after a full minute of standing in front of the door. It’s weird, to need to ask for permission to enter his own house. 

He’s relieved when Moyo does it for him. 

This wait feels the longest, the seconds drawn-out and excruciating, and Jens endures with an increasingly loud heartbeat until the door finally opens and reveals Lies. 

She blinks at them, and they stare back, and then she’s throwing herself at Jens and wrapping her arms tightly around him. She’s warm and solid and undeniably real, and still Jens can’t believe that it’s her. He can’t understand why or how she would be here, and he can’t understand why she, again, didn’t tell him. 

“God, I’m so glad to see you,” she breathes, before pushing him back by the shoulders and looking him over. “Are you okay?”

“I—yeah,” Jens mumbles. “I called you on Saturday. What are you doing here?”

Lies bites her lip. “I just came back to try to help. Even though I know you weren’t here. Lotte’s been really sad since you left.” She glances at Moyo, then back at Jens. “What are you doing here?”

Jens swallows, getting ready to explain, before another voice interrupts. His shoulders tense, and Moyo shifts closer to him as his mother appears in the doorway. She seems smaller than usual, hair in disarray and shoulders hunched, and when she catches sight of Jens on the doorstep, her eyes brighten. It’s so far from what Jens expects that he’s almost knocked off his feet when she steps forward and pulls him into a hug. 

He returns it automatically, but his hands hover in the air at the last moment, hesitant of the affection that comes before any explanation. As far as he’s aware, she hasn’t tried to contact him since he left, not even bothering to call Lies and check in. Jens doesn’t actually know which side she is on. He doesn’t know what this hug is for. 

Then she says, “Oh god, Jens, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so happy you’re okay.”

The overwhelming emotion in her voice is all it takes for Jens to melt. He folds down against her, burying his face in her shoulder and wrapping his arms tightly around her and clinging on. He hasn’t thought about her as much, not so much on purpose as out of fear. They have never been as close as mother and son could be. He isn’t like Lucas or Moyo or Robbe. His mother has felt absent in another way, distant even when she’s at home, but she has always taken care of them. Jens can recall all the times he was sick and she spent the entire day by his bedside, or when she had kept him company at home when he was terrified and lonely in his first year of school before meeting Robbe, building him back up when he tried to tear himself down. 

She has always been there, even if it has become less noticeable. She is his mother and Jens has missed her much more than expected. 

“Thank goodness you’re coming home,” she says, pulling back to beam at him. 

It’s like a bucket of ice-cold water, shocking him back to the present moment. 

“That’s not why I’m here,” Jens says, tight. “I just came to get my things and I’m leaving.”

Her face falls. “What?”

“Mom, you can’t expect him to stay,” Lies interrupts. “There’s a reason he left in the first place.”

“But that can be worked out,” Ellis tries, looking between her two children. “It can, if you’re here. This can be sorted.”

Moyo scoffs under his breath and Jens glances at him, taking in his friend’s silent strength and trying to find some of his own. 

“I’m not breaking up with Lucas,” Jens says simply. 

His mother blinks at him, then reaches out to set a hand on his arm and softly shakes her head. “I would never ask you to do that. Never.”

“Then what is there to work out?”

“You can talk to your father. I know that he was harsh, but—“

“Harsh?” Jens cuts her off, suddenly angry. He lets out a derisive laugh. “He _hit me_. Twice. After hurting Lucas, too. Other than maybe a few choice words, I have fucking nothing to say to him.”

She flinches at his language, and somewhere under the fury and his own hurt he feels bad. The feeling quickly dissipates as he realises he means every word. As much as a tiny part of him wants to confront the man and use those few words, he understands that it would be pointless. It doesn’t feel necessary. The effects linger, but Jens has already cut him out. 

Talking isn’t necessary. There’s nothing to gain from it. There can be no peace or forgiveness here. 

“I didn’t know,” Ellis breathes. “He didn’t tell me. I didn’t know, Jens.”

“Of course he didn’t tell you,” Moyo shakes his head, gaining all of their attention. It doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. “With all due respect, you can’t ask any favours of Jens. He’s doing a lot by coming here now. I think you’ll agree that Jens has the right to feel safe and that won’t happen in the house if that asshole’s still here.”

Lies seems impressed, but Ellis remains subdued. There’s a sadness in her tone, in her eyes, as she turns back to Jens. “Where will you go?”

Jens swallows and tries not to be upset that she is no longer asking him to stay. 

“You’re staying with Lucas, aren’t you?” Lies asks, relaying what he had told her at the weekend. 

“I have been, but that’s not permanent. I’m staying with him until I can get enough money for rent and then I’m moving into the flat Robbe used to stay in, with Milan. Moyo’s organising a job for me at the cafe he works at.”

His mother shakes her head. “You can’t do all of that yourself. Let me help you.”

“He won’t let you do that,” Jens says. 

“It’s nothing to do with him. I’m your mother, and it’s my job to take care of you.” She steps forward once more and takes his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks as she gazes at him with more ferocity. “You should take this job and have your own savings for whatever you want, I agree. I’ll provide you with money for the rent and for food, and anything that needs to be taken care of at the school.”

Jens considers her, eyes roaming over her face in search of a lie. He can’t help wondering if it’s a trick of some kind, money that comes with a heavier price. But he sees nothing but sincerity in her gaze. There’s love in her fingertips as she strokes them through his hair. 

“I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself, darling,” she whispers. “I have always been so proud of you.”

His throat clogs, and he swallows it down and manages to say, “You deserve better than him.”

She smiles, and it’s sad, and he comes to the startling realisation that she doesn’t believe him. “I hope,” she says slowly, “that I can make it so that you can come home soon.”

“Seriously?” Lies asks, voicing the shock that washes over Jens. 

“I didn’t know,” Ellis reiterates. “I had no idea. I’ve always…”

Jens shakes his head. “It’s okay, Mom.”

She has always needed him. She married him for a reason, and it’s not something that can disappear overnight. In a roundabout way, this is something Jens understands. 

“Mama, I need help.”

The voice is accompanied by the patter of small feet, and then Lotte materialises next to her elder sister before catching sight of Jens. Her eyes widen, then light up. She slips around their mother and into the gap between her and Jens to wrap her arms around his waist and hug him by the stomach. “You’re back!”

Jens drops into a crouch to pull her into a proper hug, feeling his heart pang as her arms settle around his shoulders and she grips the ends of his hair. “I am. But I have to go again soon.”

Lotte tightens her hold, and her question comes out as a whine. “Why?”

Jens swallows, looking up at his mother and sister for help, but they both only stare down at him sadly. It’s Moyo who eventually crouches down next to them, shooting Jens a reassuring look before shifting his face into a smile and poking Lotte’s shoulder. 

“C’mon, Lotte, don’t let him know you’ve missed him too much. Jens is going to stay with some friends to help them out for a little while, that’s all. But he’ll come see you when he can, okay?” Moyo grins wider as Lotte turns her head to look at him. “And just think, we could take you over to hang out at the flat for a while, too. You can hang out with Robbe and Lucas instead of this doofus.”

He cuffs Jens’s head, and Jens bats him away even while smiling gratefully. Lotte had brightened considerably at his last bribe, and Jens is relieved himself to realise that it’s a possibility. His mother has shown to understand and is helping him in the best way she can at the moment. Between her and Lies, Jens will know when he can visit, and any of them can find their way to him. He doesn’t have to let any of them go because he’s leaving. 

He’s not losing as much as he’d feared. There are changes taking place that he’ll have to adjust to, but none of the changes feel as bad as they had before. 

“Okay,” Lotte says happily, turning away from Jens to look up at Ellis. “Will I be able to?”

Their mother nods, fixing a lock of Lotte’s hair. “Of course. You can see Jens anytime you want to, I promise. But only if you help him pack his things. What do you think?”

Lotte latches onto Jens’s hand and tugs him into the house, and Moyo laughs slightly as he follows. Lies slips in ahead of Jens and picks Lotte up, gathering her high and earning a loud giggle as she races towards the stairs. “Come on, let’s steal some of his things before he notices!”

Jens snorts, and Moyo laughs louder. Ellis closes the door behind them and catches Jens’s arm, gripping tightly and pulling him around to face her. 

“Your phone is still in our room,” she tells him. “Don’t forget it. I’ll help anyway, too.” She pauses, and her eyes are moist as they flicker over his face, and she says, “Please know how much I love you, Jens.”

Jens feels his own eyes prick, but instead of returning the sentiment, a thought occurs to him. “Lucas and his dad are waiting in their car down the street.” He hesitates. “If you wanted to meet him.”

This seems better than accepting her favours and offering reassurance. This way he’ll know if she’s sincere. Lucas is the best test he can give her. 

Her face lights up instantly, and he feels his heart lighten with it. “Can I?”

“I can go get him,” Moyo offers, and though the woman nods eagerly he waits for Jens. Jens nods, too, and Moyo squeezes his shoulder before heading back outside. 

Ellis pulls Jens into another quick hug as they wait. “Thank you,” she says. It’s enough reassurance for Jens to lower his guard and think he has made the right decision. 

He’s even more sure when Lucas comes inside ahead of Moyo and Jens’s heart finally settles. Lucas immediately looks to Jens, ignoring Ellis in favour of making sure his boyfriend is okay. 

“You’re not getting out of helping me pack,” Jens says. Then, to actually explain, “Mom’s going to help me rent the room at Milan’s. She wanted to meet you.”

Lucas’s shoulders droop, and his brilliant smile comes out, and Jens sees his mother fall in love on the spot and is overcome with relief. Lucas holds his hand out to the woman with much less hesitance than he held on entering, but she ignores it in favour of pulling him into a hug. She keeps it brief, not even long enough for Lucas to entirely snap out of his surprise before she’s squeezing his hands in a likely painful grip. 

“I want to apologise to you, too. I am so sorry for your last experience here and that Jens couldn’t tell me about you before. I’m relieved I’m getting the chance to meet you.”

Lucas flicks his gaze to Jens, taking a moment to process, before he offers her a smaller smile. “Me, too.” He hesitates again, licking his lips as he looks between them both. “But how much time, before…”

Jens freezes, but Ellis squeezes Lucas’s hands again and shakes her head. “Tonight is his staff dinner before they close for Christmas. He won’t be back for hours.” She turns slightly to the side to include Jens as well. “But if anything changes, I don’t want either of you to worry. Alright?”

They both nod, both relieved, and Lucas turns his smile on Jens again and Jens can finally breathe. 

“Oh, Jens, he’s so handsome,” Ellis praises, letting the now blushing boy go to squeeze her son’s shoulder. The embarrassment and Moyo’s snort are worth it. “Is your father down the street, Lucas? Would it be alright for me to meet him?”

“Uhm,” Lucas blinks. “Yeah, that would be okay. I think he would appreciate that. Let me take you.”

“Then you can get him to come pack, too,” Moyo says. “Jens is basically a hoarder and Hugo’s a legend. We can put him to good use.”

Lucas huffs and flips him off, but agrees with another beaming smile to Jens before leading Ellis back outside. 

When they’re alone, Jens takes a big breath and lets Moyo pull him into a side hug. 

“Relieved?” he asks quietly. 

Jens nods, pursing his lips. “It’s not perfect, but it feels too good to be true.”

“I’m just as surprised as you, man. But I’m glad. You’re allowed to be too, yeah? You’re not losing anything that matters. And maybe now that she knows, she’ll come to her senses and toss him soon.”

“It’s harder than that,” Jens says. “I know that. It’s okay.”

Moyo shrugs, squeezing him tighter. “Yeah. We can do a lot worse than okay.”

Jens nods again, and Moyo claps his shoulder before releasing him and starting up the stairs. “Alright, come on. Siblings are a fucking menace. You don’t wanna leave these two up here any longer on their own.”

Jens huffs a laugh and follows him up. 

**_Wednesday, 19:22_ **

**Song: _Jome - Cinnamon_**

Lucas cards his fingers through Jens’s hair as Jens traces patterns on his other hand, which Jens has trapped against his chest. They have once again locked themselves away, after having dinner with Lucas’s dad, to spend their last night together in the flat. Lucas lounges back against his pillows and Jens lounges on Lucas’s stomach, turned towards him but with his eyes closed. 

He’s more familiar to Lucas today—more like himself. The bags that had begun to form under his eyes have halted in their tracks, leaving his edges softened again. Smoothed over. There’s a small, serene smile on his face as he laps up Lucas’s attention. 

It’s awful of Lucas to break it, but he can’t quite hold it in. “Are you nervous about it?”

Jens takes a moment to respond. “About what?” 

“Moving in. Moving out? I don’t know.”

“Just ask if I’m going to miss you so I can say yes and you can get all blushy and smiley.”

“That is _not_ what I’m doing.”

Jens pops an eye open. “No?”

Lucas shakes his head, giving Jens’s hair a tug and earning a huff. He returns to sifting his fingers through it and warms as Jens settles more heavily against him, eyes shut again. He is a little curious if Jens will miss him, miss taking up Lucas’s space and wearing his clothes and sharing his bed. The nights Lucas has spent alone in it before have been hard, since his very first taste of Jens sharing it with him, and he can’t imagine what it will feel like now. The whole space already feels empty just knowing that Jens will leave. 

Jens pokes his cheek and Lucas realises he’s gazing up at him. “Are you going to miss me?”

“I already miss you,” Lucas admits, sighing. “It’s dumb. It’s not like I actually expected us to live together, or anything, and especially not with my dad but…”

“We’ve gotten used to it,” Jens says. “Yeah. I know.”

Lucas twirls a lock of hair around his finger. “But you’ll get used to the flatshare, too.”

“I am gonna miss you, though. A lot.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Lucas reminds him. 

Jens hums, nuzzling his cheek against him and still looking somber. He has turned to playing with Lucas’s ring, rubbing his fingertip back and forth over the metal. Lucas strokes his thumb over Jens’s temple in return, sinking further back against the pillows, almost lying flat now as Jens shifts up towards his chest. Jens is scrunched up awkwardly to fit in this position, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He seems, in fact, perfectly content. Lucas doesn’t really want him to move, either, but he has to if they’re to sneak in a kiss. 

He gives Jens’s hair another tug, and Jens lifts himself up enough to meet Lucas’s lips, both straining towards each other. This is easier, to kiss Jens slow and soft, only slightly sensual. This is easier than words. It always manages to say what they can’t voice. 

Jens lifts himself up further, pressing his hand into the mattress just below the pillows, humming quietly as Lucas’s hands roam up his cheeks and into his hair. It sends a vibration through Lucas’s lips all the way down his spine, and he slides a hand down Jens’s back in an attempt to bring him closer. 

“Your dad is still out there,” Jens reminds him quietly. 

Lucas nibbles at his bottom lip, just to emphasise how little he cares. “But he’s leaving for the night shift soon.”

“And then you have the call with your friends.”

“I can cancel.”

“No, you can’t,” Jens huffs, pulling back to smile down at him. He brushes their noses together, tantalisingly close, and Lucas very valiantly stays still. “We have all night to ourselves afterwards.”

Lucas groans and pulls him into another kiss by the back of his neck. Jens laughs, but obliges, and the thing about it is that he melts faster than Lucas once the contact is there. Jens is one to linger, to look for affection at any moment and proceed to draw it out for as long as he can. He teases Lucas because he knows Lucas will ignore him, anyway, and he gets double what he wants. 

Lucas is more than aware of the trick, but he keeps falling for it anyway. 

He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop falling for Jens. 

A heavy knock on the door makes them part, and Lucas rolls his eyes at the question that follows. 

“Is it safe?” his father calls, voice muffled by the wood. 

Jens settles back against Lucas’s stomach with a snort as Lucas groans. “You’re good,” Jens says, twisting his head towards the door as it cracks open. 

“You’re embarrassing,” Lucas mumbles, mostly to make Jens smile again. It works even better than expected and also earns his hand a squeeze. 

Hugo simply rolls his eyes as he steps halfway inside, but smiles at the display the two make. “Is this really your last night then?” he asks, one hand still on the door handle and the other on his hip as he gazes at Jens with what appears to be genuine disappointment. 

Jens nods with pursed lips. “I’ll need help moving everything again but then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“No worries about that, everything’s still packed up in the car anyway,” Hugo waves him off. “I take it you’ll still be around to visit?”

“Is that...okay?” Jens seems confused, hand having tightened around Lucas’s as he looks at the older man. 

“Oh, I’m counting on you. He’s a lot nicer when you’re around.” Hugo nods at Lucas. 

“Excuse me,” Lucas says. “I am always nice.”

Jens snorts again and Lucas pinches his palm. 

“Really, though, you know you’re always more than welcome to stay,” Hugo says. “Not just when I’m working the night shift.”

The statement finally makes Jens flush, but he nods. “Thank you. For everything.”

The man’s responding smile is softer than Lucas expects, and it’s directed at both of them. “I’ll still see you tomorrow afternoon, then. Is there any point in asking you to behave while I’m gone?”

Lucas groans again as Jens simply shakes his head, laughing. “Kes is calling in like, ten minutes,” Lucas reminds them. 

“Good cover,” Hugo taunts. Then, “Say hi to them for me.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, but nods, and his father taps the doorframe and offers them a wave before stepping back out. 

“Alright, have a good night.” From down the hall, he throws back, “But not too good!”

Jens laughs louder and Lucas covers his face with his hands, muffling a curse into them as they listen to the rustle in the hallway and then finally the front door. Lucas tugs Jens towards him again only when he’s sure it has shut, and Jens comes easily, picking right up where they’d left off. The best way to get over the embarrassment, after all, is to indulge in it. His father’s teasing isn’t half as frustrating as Jens’s, anyway. 

“I’m glad you seem to like each other,” Lucas admits, countless moments later, with Jens still trailing kisses down his cheek. 

“Me too. I was really worried he wouldn’t. Like me, I mean.”

“I wasn’t,” Lucas shakes his head. “I knew he’d be crazy not to love you.” 

Jens huffs, but there’s still a pretty red tint to his cheeks and a happy curve to his lips. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know you are, that’s what makes it so cute.”

This time Lucas huffs and pushes him away, even though he’s unable to hide a smile of his own. Jens lies against his stomach again, smile widening and softening at once. It feels even more precious, now that they’re alone. He’s going to miss these quiet moments most, when their little universe is allowed to expand, grow beyond the bubble of Lucas’s room. 

“Do you think the flatshare will ever be quiet?” Lucas asks. 

Jens shrugs. “I think if Robbe managed when he was just getting with Sander then we’ll be okay,” he rolls his eyes. 

Lucas raises his brows, laughing. “Why’d you assume that’s what I meant?”

Jens gives him a look. 

“Okay, maybe that’s what I meant.”

“You know staying at mine instead isn’t gonna stop your dad from making jokes about it,” Jens cocks a brow. 

“Yeah, no, it’ll probably make it worse,” Lucas laughs. Jens smiles slightly, bringing Lucas’s hand to his mouth and brushing his lips over the knuckles, quieting again. Lucas strokes his temple again. “Does it bother you?”

Jens shakes his head. “No. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever really been shy about that. This kind of teasing and jokes is way better than…”

“Yeah,” Lucas says quietly, brushing Jens’s hair back and returning his smile. 

“It doesn’t bother you?” Jens returns. “You didn’t really get to tell him the way you probably wanted to.”

“Yeah, well,” Lucas shrugs, “neither did you.”

Jens turns his face against Lucas’s stomach and grips his hand tighter, and Lucas’s throat tightens. Jens still hasn’t told him much about the previous week, about what happened after he left and what happened the following day. Lucas still isn’t sure why he left Lies’s, as Jens had seemed perfectly content with her yesterday. They had probably worked it out when Jens had called her on Saturday, from Lucas’s phone, privately in his room as Lucas began setting up the Christmas decorations. They haven’t really talked about anything, other than Jens moving in to the flatshare and getting a job, and that has mostly been logistics and reassurances interspersed with jokes. 

“Do you still have the rest of the weed?” Jens questions. 

Lucas narrows his eyes at him. “Why?”

Jens shrugs, eyes flicking over his face curiously. “Because I don’t see why you having it is better than me. It kinda seems worse, actually.”

“I’ve smoked with you a bunch of times already, Jens,” Lucas points out. “I never stopped.”

“But...are you sure that’s good for you?”

“It’s not good for you, either.”

“You know what I mean.”

Lucas looks down at him, biting his lip. “If this is your way of trying to get the weed back before you move out, it isn’t working.”

Jens rolls his eyes and reaches up to poke his cheek. “Can’t I just want to take care of you?”

Lucas flushes, but he hesitantly decides to stop letting Jens off the hook. “Not when I’m supposed to be taking care of you. Your blackout is a lot more recent than mine.”

It stops Jens in his tracks, and Lucas feels regret as Jens rolls onto his back to stare up at the ceiling and avoid his gaze. He doesn’t move away, though, and he takes Lucas’s hand with him as he shifts, so Lucas doesn’t think he’s that upset. It’s rare that Jens gets upset with him, really. He puts up with more from Lucas than Lucas probably deserves. 

“I was actually just thinking it’d be nicer to smoke with you than either of us alone,” Jens shrugs. “Plus I’m pretty sure my system can put up with it better this time.”

Lucas considers him for another moment, then gently lifts his head away and slides out of the bed, moving to his drawers and digging through the top one until he finds the small bag. He shows it off to Jens, and Jens grins. 

They settle on the bed together, and Jens sits up long enough to roll and light a joint before he’s laying on Lucas’s stomach again, blowing smoke up towards the ceiling. Lucas makes a mental note to open the window. He has to admit, it isn’t a bad idea. Lying in bed with Jens, passing the joint back and forth, letting their bubble shrink closer as a pleasant haze settles. He doesn’t have to worry, with his dad gone for the night. He can just watch Jens, with particular focus on his mouth; how his lips wrap around the joint and part to release the smoke and turn up in a smile when he notices Lucas’s gaze. It’s not enough to do much, but it’s enough to incite a faint fog, to make them both feel a little lighter and looser. 

It doesn’t make Lucas want to kiss Jens any less. If anything it only strengthens the tension, driving his desire deeper as Jens takes a drag as he hovers over him. Lucas grins and automatically lets his lips part, jaw dropping, allowing space for Jens to exhale into his mouth. He closes his eyes, blows the smoke out into the space Jens vacates, before he returns to Lucas for a kiss, slow but weighted. Lucas hums against his lips and slides a hand up into his hair and lets himself get lost in it for a few moments. 

He has to get up again and dig out his ashtray for them to stub it out, and as he cracks the window open he hears Jens huff behind him. 

“No wonder your dad caught you before,” Jens mumbles. “You have shit hiding places.”

“Fuck you,” Lucas retorts, but grants him another kiss as he comes back to the bed. “I had better at home. I’m still figuring this place out.”

Jens hums. “Good excuse.” He settles on the pillow next to Lucas with a sigh. “I guess it makes sense why he got so pissed at you at first, though.”

“He probably doesn’t want to pay for another few months of therapy sessions,” Lucas agrees. 

“But he would, if you needed him to.”

Lucas nods. He knows that his father has certainly improved in the past year, and further in the past couple of months. Their relationship feels stronger now than ever; it has gotten to the point where Lucas isn’t quite sure what he’d do without him. His father would take care of bills, if needed. Lucas is lucky. 

He knows Jens doesn’t have the same resources. 

“He’d even pay for you,” Lucas says lightly. Jens doesn’t react beyond a slight smile and huff of agreement. “But he wouldn’t even need to. There are ways around expensive therapists. School counselors can actually be good, for example.”

Jens’s lips twitch, and he shrugs. “Probably. They still need qualifications, I guess.” He pauses, looking thoughtful. “I don’t think I’ve ever actually spoken to our school counselor. Don’t even know where the office is.”

Lucas snorts, and holds onto the conversational tone. “I’m sure it’s not too hard to find.”

“Are you trying to give me hints, Luc?”

Lucas bites his lip, turning his head to look at him. “Would you be mad if I was?”

Jens considers him for a moment, then shakes his head. He shifts closer to Lucas, enough to press a kiss to his jaw and then pillow his cheek on Lucas’s shoulder. “I thought about it.”

“Okay.”

“I think I’ll give everything a while. After moving in. And if it gets worse rather than better, then I’ll think about it again.”

Lucas smiles and kisses his forehead. “Okay.”

“I am shit at talking though,” Jens sighs. 

“You’re getting better at it.”

“You’re sweet.”

“Really, I could do with you talking less.”

“What the fuck?”

“I’m just saying, there are plenty of other things you can do with your mouth.”

Jens snorts, but covers Lucas’s mouth with his own. This is definitely one of those things Lucas had meant. He’ll never get tired of Jens kissing him. He’ll never get tired of Jens. 

“If we’re being serious, though,” Lucas mumbles, and Jens hums. “I’m proud of you.”

It causes a pause, as Jens pulls back and gazes down at him, eyes flickering over his face as if he still thinks Lucas is joking. Lucas runs a hand through his hair and smiles sincerely and Jens asks, “Why?”

“Because,” Lucas shrugs. “You’re getting a room in a flat, and a job, and you’ve been going to school and putting up with my dad and actively trying to feel better. You’re here with me. You’re still you.”

“And is that...something to be proud of?” Jens raises a brow. 

“That’s everything.” Lucas strokes his cheek. “You are.”

Jens smiles, bashful but wide, and he leans down to kiss Lucas in an attempt to muffle it. Lucas can’t quite bring himself to protest, especially as Jens settles a hand on his hip and slots a leg between his. 

Lucas barely has time to wrap his arms around his shoulders before his phone rings, the FaceTime tone jingling at them irritatingly. They both groan, this time, and Jens plops himself down on Lucas’s chest as Lucas stretches his arm out towards the locker. He’s just an inch too far away, and he curses as he pushes at Jens until the boy lifts enough to allow him to sit up, even though he grumbles along the way. Lucas apologises by letting him rest his head on his stomach again as he quickly answers the call and Kes and Jayden appear on the tiny screen. 

They grin at him and Lucas winces at his own image, running a hand through his tousled hair and managing a greeting. Kes raises a brow as his grin widens. “Have we interrupted something?”

“Nope,” Lucas says as Jens nods against his side.

Jayden presses closer to the screen, squinting. “Is that a hickey?”

Lucas slaps a hand to his neck, eyes widening, and Jens breathes a laugh and tugs his arm down as Jayden smirks. “Oops, nope, Kes’s screen is just dirty.”

“I hate you,” Lucas says, unsure of which boy he’s talking to. Jens blows a kiss up at him as Jayden beams. 

“How are things, seriously?” Kes asks. “Going better?”

Lucas hums, smiling as Jens cuddles against him. “Yeah, better.”

Jayden groans. “You’re so vague, Luc. Details! Where are the details?”

“What details?” Lucas raises a brow. 

“Well, what’s it like with your dad there? Like is he really chill with the whole thing? Do they get along? When’s he moving into this flat?” Kes fires off. 

Lucas snorts as Jens tilts his head back up with raised brows, not bothering to hide any of his amusement. It’s strange, to feel so comfortable talking to the two of them with a boy secretly lying on his stomach. He supposes it’s because Jens isn’t actually a secret. He doesn’t have to lie or make himself uncomfortable anymore. He’s allowed to have both—the version of him he is with his friends and the version of him he has always wanted to be. The version that doesn’t hesitate to love Jens. 

“It’s weird, but because he’s kind of too chill, and they get along annoyingly well,” Lucas lists. “And tomorrow.”

“Ah,” Kes says, pursing his lips. “How do you feel about that?”

Lucas shrugs, carding through Jens’s hair. “Okay. I still don’t know the guy but Jens and his friends love him, so that’s good enough for me.”

“Any special plans for your last night?” Jayden wiggles his brows. 

“He’s moving like, five minutes away,” Lucas points out, to distract from how obviously he blushes. They do, in fact, have plans, if they ever manage to get the peace for them. 

“Still,” Kes says. 

Lucas rolls his eyes and changes the subject as Jens plays with the hem of his sweater distractingly. “Weren’t you supposed to wait for Isa? Is she not coming?”

“She is, but she was taking too long,” Jayden sighs. “I had to kick Liv and Ralph out, though. See, this flatshare thing isn’t the best for privacy.”

“Good thing you don’t need any.” Kes claps his shoulder. 

Jayden smacks the back of Kes’s head in response. The laptop almost falls off their legs in the ensuing scuffle, and Lucas has to call on them four times before they give it up. 

“You’re both useless,” Lucas sighs. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be nicer now?” Jayden whines. 

“Can you imagine Lucas being nice? What world do you live in? He’s a little shit and he always will be,” Kes says. 

Jens snorts, and it would give him away if Jayden hadn’t done it at the same time. 

Lucas flips them off. “I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.”

“Well, are you?” Jayden retorts. When Lucas blinks at him, he laments, “You have a boyfriend and you won’t let us meet him, Luc.”

Kes perks up. “Is he around? We could meet him now.” He smacks Jayden’s shoulder repeatedly, excitedly, and Jayden returns the slaps until it becomes a wild flailing of hands. 

“Uhm.” Lucas glances down at Jens, who gazes back up at him for a moment before slowly shrugging with raised brows. 

“Oh my god, is he _there_?” Kes asks. 

Lucas rolls his eyes, then moves his phone away and tilts it down to focus the camera on Jens. He grabs Lucas’s wrist and pushes the screen slightly away from his face as the boys make unintelligible noises from the other side. Jens simply says, “Hi.”

“Hi,” the boys chorus back loudly. Lucas can barely see them now with all the shadows, but there seems to be another commotion as they attempt to speak over each other and Jens laughs. 

Lucas draws the phone back up to him and is met with double complaints. He rolls his eyes again and nods for Jens to join him. Jens lifts himself up and leans back against Lucas, head settling in the crook of his neck so both of them fit in the small screen. 

“Fuck, see, I told you they’d be cute,” Jayden says, beaming and hitting Kes’s bicep. 

“It’s sickeningly adorable,” Kes agrees, both of them leaning closer. “Luc, seriously, what the fuck?”

Lucas laughs. “What?”

“How the fuck did you manage that?” Jayden says. “And it only took you like a _week_?”

“Less,” Lucas says smugly. “He had a crush on me before I even started at the school.”

The boys gasp dramatically, hitting each other again as an outlet. “I did not have a crush,” Jens protests. After a pause, in which even Kes and Jayden freeze and stare at him, he says, “Okay, so I noticed you in the street and thought you were pretty. Not a crush.”

Lucas hums. “‘Course not.”

“Dude,” Jayden says, gaze seemingly focused on Jens. “I’m kinda in love with you but I’m gonna need a minute with the accent. Luc, how do you do this?”

Jens frowns at them and Lucas snorts. “You adjust.”

Kes slowly shakes his head. “Honestly forgot about this part. Weird.”

“I’m good with not talking if it helps,” Jens says. “I’ll just chill here.” He nuzzles against Lucas’s shoulder and Lucas rolls his eyes as the boys coo. 

“Adorable as shit,” Jayden says, though the sentence is broken halfway through by the sound of the door. 

“What is?” Isa’s voice asks. “Assholes, are you calling Luc without me?” She doesn’t take long to appear, leaning over in front of Kes to look at the screen. Her eyes widen at the sight of the boy on Lucas’s shoulder and she pushes closer. “No way,” she squeals. “Jens?”

“Hi,” Jens repeats, seeming slightly more bashful. 

“Oh my god,” Isa says, climbing over Kes to squeeze between the two boys and completely ignoring all of their protests as she settles the laptop on her knees. “You introduced him to them before me?”

“Well, technically, no one has been introduced,” Lucas says. “So, Jens, this is Isa. Isa, Jens. Now you’re the first.”

Isa narrows his eyes at him, but her growing grin ruins the effect. “I’ll let you off with that because this is _adorable as shit_. I have waited years to see Luc in love.”

“You’re all so dramatic,” Lucas laughs. 

Jens grins at her. “He’s actually super soft, isn’t he?”

Lucas blushes as Jens reaches up to poke his cheek, then kiss it when Lucas scowls at him. It sets the three on the screen into chaos. Lucas resists the urge to hang up and make Jens pay for the teasing. 

“Well done, Luc,” Isa praises simply. 

And, well, Lucas has no argument for that.

**_Thursday, 18:55_ **

**Song: _Dermot Kennedy - Giants_**

“I already changed the sheets for you, so you don’t have to worry about finding anything unpleasant.”

Jens laughs, shaking his head at Milan. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do all this, seriously. I could’ve managed.”

Milan waves him off. “Nonsense. You should have come to me sooner. I’ve been missing out on a lot of your life, it seems.” He turns to Jens, raising his brows as he crosses his arms over his chest. 

Jens flushes. He rocks back on his heels and shrugs, unable to resist Milan’s smile. “I don’t think you’ll miss much now, if that’s any consolation.”

“It is, actually. I’m glad I’m not being kicked out of the group.”

“You know you never would have been, either way. Robbe hasn’t been able to survive without you since, has he?” 

Milan points at him. “Now that is true.”

They’ve spent the past hour or so moving Jens in. After school, he’d gone back to Lucas’s flat and had a last dinner with him and Hugo before Hugo drove him here with all his belongings stuffed in the boot. Lucas hadn’t been able to come with them, having scheduled a call with his mother that he didn’t want to cancel, so Milan and Zoë filled the space. Neither of them have made a single complaint since they started carting boxes in, and Jens is eternally grateful. 

“So, when do you think I’ll get to meet him?” Milan questions. He decidedly picks up a packet of wardrobe hangers and peels off the wrapping as he awaits an answer. 

Jens flings his suitcase open on the floor and passes the hangers Milan hands him onto the rail in the wardrobe. “Soon.”

Milan narrows his eyes, unimpressed. “How soon?”

Before he can answer, Robbe’s familiar voice calls from the hallway. “Yo.”

“Here,” Milan shouts back. 

Jens stands up straight as a series of footsteps come closer and then the door opens, Robbe immediately popping his head inside. He grins at the two of them and laughs as Milan rushes forward and pulls him into a hug. Jens isn’t much focused on either of them. Behind him is Sander, and behind that is Lucas, and this is where all of Jens’s attention naturally falls. He catches Lucas’s eye and shares a smile, and Sander steps aside knowingly to let Lucas slide in past him. Jens crosses the space to meet him, relaxing as he grabs his boyfriend by the waist and Lucas winds his arms around his neck in a hug. 

Lucas kisses his cheek before leaning back, fingers sliding down around Jens’s shoulder until his palm can settle over Jens’s heart. He glances around the room. “Nice.” 

“Nice indeed,” Milan agrees, leaving Sander muffling a snort and Robbe biting back a smile. Jens tugs Lucas closer as the boy twists around to look at Milan and Milan huffs. “Honestly, where do you keep finding them?”

Jens laughs into Lucas’s shoulder as Lucas blushes, but sticks a hand out to the older man. “You must be Milan.”

Milan takes Lucas’s hand in one of his and presses the other to his chest. “Aww, have you boys been talking about me?”

“I’ve heard a lot about you, actually,” Lucas agrees, before any of them can argue. “All good things.”

Milan positively beams. He crosses his arms again before changing his mind, raising one hand to his neck, where he plays bashfully with the ends of his hair. Jens doesn’t think he’s ever seen Milan bashful. “Another charmer, too.”

Sander cheers and holds his hand out to Lucas for a high five, who accepts it before hearing Robbe’s huff. “What makes you think he wasn’t talking about Senne?”

“Excuse me?” Sander turns to the youngest boy in betrayal. “Don’t you think I’m charming?”

“Of course you are, sweetie,” Milan assures. “Just maybe not as much as the others.” He gestures at Lucas. 

Lucas smiles as Jens noses at his cheek, humming. “Prince Charming.”

“What’s that?” Milan raises his brows, smile only widening.

“Nothing,” Lucas brushes off, at the same time Robbe says, “He dressed up as Prince Charmig for Halloween.”

“And Jens apparently discovered a kink,” Sander adds. 

Jens scowls and flips him off to cover his blush, muttering, “Charming, my ass.” Robbe’s giggles and Lucas’s quiet laughter are somewhat worth it. Jens simply draws Lucas closer and hides in his neck as Milan sighs. 

“To be young and in love,” he says. 

“Still expecting a boyfriend for Christmas?” Sander asks, and his tone is teasing but his smile soft. 

“As every other year,” Milan sniffs. 

Lucas turns fully around in Jens’s hold and leans back against his chest. “Do you have a type?”

Milan pauses to think about it. “Cute,” he suggests. “Not too serious. But you can’t be too picky in love. I just need someone who can keep up.”

“That’s why it’s so hard,” Robbe says. “You’re a gem.”

“Robbe,” Milan jokingly protests, leaning in towards him and pointedly eyeing Sander. “At least wait until he leaves.”

Robbe shoves him away with a laugh. Jens and Lucas can’t help but join him as Sander pouts and asks, “I can’t join? Robbe, I can’t believe you’d leave me out of any of your fantasies.”

Milan joins the laughter this time as Robbe flushes darkly and rolls his eyes hard at Sander, who simply grins and pulls Robbe briefly into his arms, planting a kiss on top of his head. 

Zoë appears in the doorway behind them with raised brows. “There seems to be a lot of work going on here.”

Jens gestures at the wardrobe behind him and the suitcase on the floor. “Milan and I tried.”

“Oh, sorry, did we interrupt? Do you want us to go?” Lucas teases. 

“You can just make up for it by doing it for me,” Jens shrugs. 

“Yeah, he seems to really do it for you,” Sander jokes, earning him a smack on the back of the head from Zoë. “ _Ow._ I was joking.”

Robbe rubs his back soothingly and asks Zoë, “Have you not finished getting your stuff out yet?”

“No, I did that yesterday, I just came to help.” Zoë shrugs, before nodding at her other previous roommate. “And make Milan one final dinner.”

Milan sighs happily and walks up to wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her tightly against his side. “The only woman who’ll ever touch my heart.” Zoë laughs, face scrunching up as Milan kisses her nose and then leads her back out of the room with promises to help. 

“Would’ve been cooler if you were moving into my old room,” Robbe says, taking in the newly made bed and empty furniture. 

Jens instantly wrinkles his nose. “No, definitely not.”

Robbe turns to look at him, frowning. “What? Why not?”

“Dude, I can only imagine the things you two did in there.” He pulls a face, and Lucas laughs as the images elicit a full-body shudder. 

Sander snorts and tucks Robbe into his side, pressing a kiss to his head. “He’s not wrong. It’ll be nice to properly hang out here again, though. Weird, but nice.”

Robbe hums. “I kinda miss it.”

Jens admits that it isn’t a bad place to live. Milan is a little more than Jens usually deals with, but Lisa’s almost silent presence balances it out. He knows how happy Robbe had been, living here. The apartment itself is nice, and relatively cheap, and there’s overall little to complain about. It’s clean, it’s warm, and it’s safe. It’s a home, if Jens allows himself to make it one, and it’s somewhere he certainly won’t be alone. 

“Well, I’m excited to get to know it,” Lucas says, turning to wrap his arms around Jens again with a smile. Jens returns it and steals a full kiss, this time, lips pressing against lips for just a brief moment. It’s enough to leave Lucas momentarily satisfied, smile wider and eyes shut even after Jens pulls away. 

“We can go have dinner and then help you unpack a little?” Robbe suggests. 

Jens nods, but he holds onto Lucas a little longer as the other two head back out into the hall, talking quietly between themselves. Lucas lets them stand in the silence for a second. “Everything okay?” he asks. 

“Yeah,” Jens hums. “Just missed you.”

Lucas huffs and gives him another kiss. “You’ve only been here an hour.”

“Too long,” Jens agrees, making Lucas laugh again. “No, it’s nice. It feels good, to be doing something that could be a little more permanent.”

It’s what he has been most worried about. He’s used to going with the flow, and taking life as it comes. He’s used to not having to think ahead. Without the promise of a safe place with four walls, however, the rug had been pulled out from under him. Staying with Lucas had just been to provide Jens with enough time to figure something out, and there hadn’t been any clear options. He’s more relieved than words can express to be here now. Grateful that his mother and his friends have all come through for him. 

Grateful, more than anything, that Lucas still stands alongside him. 

“Good,” Lucas says softly. “Then I’m happy for you.”

Jens presses a kiss to his nose. “I just hope we get to christen it soon.”

Lucas laughs, but agrees, “Soon.”

“Hey, you still have more guests,” Robbe calls down to them. 

With a sigh, Jens takes Lucas’s hand and leads him out into the hallway and then up to the kitchen, where Moyo and Aaron have now joined the others. They cheer as soon as they see Jens, Aaron simply offering a grin and Moyo brandishing a lunch box. 

“Housewarming gift,” he announces. “My mom’s lasagna.”

“Nice.” Jens grins back, accepting Moyo’s fist bump as Lucas nudges him towards the empty chair at the table. 

“Also, if you still want the job,” Moyo says, and Jens nods as he sits down and draws Lucas into his lap. “You can start on Monday.”

Jens gapes at him. “What? As in, this Monday?”

“Yep,” Moyo shrugs, leaning back against the counter between Aaron and Sander. “You might have to do a few hours over Christmas now, though.”

It’s a little too much to accept so easily. “But I haven’t even had an interview.”

“I know, but they’re desperate. They haven’t gotten any other applications, and we get busier by the day. I gave them your CV and they said they’ll give you a two weeks trial period.”

Jens slowly nods. “So I don’t actually have the job?”

“Not officially beyond these two weeks, but there’s no way they’ll let you go, man. Seriously, you can’t mess this job up. And even if you do I’m there to cover. They’re gonna match our shifts for the first while because I have to train you.”

Jens absorbs this for a few moments, then nods again, relief and gratitude spreading through him in tandem. “Thanks, man. Seriously. I appreciate all the help.”

Moyo waves him off. “Don’t even mention it. You know we’d do anything for you, yeah?”

No one else argues, so Jens simply nods again, overflowing until Lucas soothes him with a kiss to the cheek. 

“Things will only get better from here,” Milan promises, reaching across the table to pat Jens’s hand, and Jens swallows down the lump in his throat. “What you need is a little cheer. Our housewarming-slash-Christmas party tomorrow will be worth it. Have you invited your friends, Lucas?”

The party had been organised by Milan a week prior, when Jens had still been entirely out of the picture, and was simply an excuse to gather together and drink to celebrate the beginning of the holidays. Now it has turned somewhat into a welcome party for Jens and goodbye hoorah for Zoë. Jens doesn’t mind the idea of all his friends making it to one place, especially with Lucas by his side. 

“Is it okay for them to come?” Lucas asks hesitantly. 

Milan frowns. “Of course, didn’t Robbe and Jens already tell you?”

“Yeah, but I still don’t want to intrude. I know none of you have even met any of them.”

“But I’ve spoken to them,” Jens points out. “And I asked them myself, and they almost gave themselves a heart attack in their panic to say yes.” Their video-call interaction yesterday had been unexpected, but Jens had enjoyed it. When he had remembered Milan’s extended invitation, he hadn’t hesitated in asking the trio if they wanted to join.

“They said they _could_ come,” Lucas corrects. “If it’s okay with everyone.”

“The more the merrier,” Milan says simply. “I’d love to meet them.”

“Me too,” Sander pipes up. “Need to see if they’re up to standard.”

Lucas finally huffs at that, and nods his agreement. “Okay, I’ll get them to confirm it and let you know.” He turns his head to smile at Jens. “I hope you realise what you’re asking for.”

Jens shrugs and hums, nodding. “More of you. As usual.”

Moyo and Sander make mock-gagging noises as Robbe and Milan coo at them and Zoë simply smiles. Aaron looks at them consideringly and mutters, “I don't know why being around you four makes me feel single.” He gestures at Jens and Lucas, smushed together into one being, and then between Sander and Robbe, where the blonde stands behind Robbe’s chair with his hands on his shoulders. 

They all laugh together at this, with Moyo comfortingly patting the boy’s shoulder as Zoë says, “Just don’t tell Amber.”

Aaron’s eyes widen at the realisation that she’s there, immediately beginning to stutter a defense as the other boys laugh harder and Zoë watches on in amusement. 

Jens realises he has already begun to feel at home. 

**_Friday, 20:20_ **

**Songs: _220 Kid - Too Many Nights; Haux - Cologne_**

Lucas makes his way through the apartment to open the door, where he’s instantly bowled over. The curly hair near eye-level lets him know that it’s Kes hugging him, and Lucas laughs and hugs him back as two more pairs of arms join the fray. 

“I see you all made it,” Lucas says. 

“Yes, we all did,” another voice pipes up. The arms slide away from him to reveal another body in the doorway, with bleached hair and a scruffy chin. Ralph eyes Lucas curiously, but looks pleased to be here. “Very kind of you to extend the invitation.”

Lucas shrugs, grinning at him. “There are a few people I’d like you all to meet.”

Before he gets the chance to actually invite them in, Jayden is lighting up and barreling past him, squealing, “Jens!”

Lucas turns around in just enough time to see Jayden launch himself at his boyfriend, who has just appeared at the end of the hallway. Kes cackles as Isa stomps away from their side, calling, “Jayden, that’s not fair, we were supposed to meet him together!”

“Is that the boyfriend?” Ralph sets his hand on Lucas’s shoulder, grinning towards the group now huddled together, Jens stuck in the middle looking overwhelmed. 

Lucas glances over at Ralph and nods, his chest filling with pride at the older boy’s approving smile. “Yep.”

“Look at you,” Ralph praises. “Lucky boy.”

Kes laughs and tugs Lucas forward. “Come on, let’s go save him so you can introduce us properly.”

They have to kick shoes and bags out of the way as they move down the hallway, Ralph admiring the tinsel and rope lights strung along the walls and looped over doorways. Jens’s expression falls into a picture of relief as they reach him, and Lucas pushes in between his two friends to take the boy’s hand. 

“Jesus, guys, breathing room,” he admonishes. Jayden and Isa both appear entirely unapologetic, beaming together at Lucas and Jens as Jens presses a kiss to his temple in re-greeting. 

Kes greets Jens with a tamer handshake and fist-bump combo, which Jens seems grateful for. “It’s nice to finally meet in person.”

“Likewise,” Jens agrees. “I’m glad you could all make it. Though I don’t think I know one of you?”

He looks at Ralph curiously, and Lucas opens his mouth to explain when another voice interrupts them. 

“New guests,” Milan cheers, materialising at the door of the sitting room and tossing his arm around Jens’s shoulders. He’s a stark contrast to Jens, who’s in his usual red hoodie and jeans combo. Milan is one of the few of them in an entirely festive mood, wearing a Santa hat and a sheer white shirt paired with leather pants. He sticks his hand out in the general direction of Lucas’s friends and introduces himself. “I’m Milan, your host.”

Before any of the others can react, Ralph grasps his hand easily, eyes already twinkling. “Are you also Dutch?”

Milan shakes his hand slowly and nods, smiling. “And you are?”

“Milan, this is Isa, Kes, and Jayden.” Lucas points out each of them in turn before he gestures at Ralph, smile widening. “And this is Ralph.”

“Ralph,” Milan repeats. “Nice to meet you.”

Jens turns his gaze on Lucas, smile now understanding and vaguely impressed. He pulls Lucas back into his side and kisses the curve of his ear, whispering, “Nice trick.” Lucas winks at him. He can tell Isa has also caught on, but the boys remain oblivious, gazing at Lucas eagerly. 

Milan finally snaps out of it enough to notice and return to his host duties. “Come in, come in, join the party. There’s alcohol in the fridge and snacks on the table and some extra Santa hats on the counter.” He wiggles his brows at them, and Isa and Kes grin as Jayden claps his hands. 

“Finally,” Jens sighs. “That’s everyone now, so you can stop disappearing on me.” He raises his brows at Lucas pointedly. 

Lucas shares a look with Milan then kisses Jens’s cheek. “Okay, sorry. Lead the way.”

Jens guides them to the kitchen, and Lucas grins as he notices that while three of his friends follow, Ralph lingers behind to say something else to Milan, who instantly beams at him. Isa pinches Lucas’s hip and looks at him with wide eyes, excited and approving. 

The kitchen is donned with more decorations, and houses Sander, Moyo, and Luca. Luca sits on the counter with Sander and Moyo standing to her left, seemingly in the middle of a tense discussion led by Moyo. 

“Everything chill?” Jens asks, interrupting Moyo and clasping his hand, as well as gaining the attention of the other two, who look to Lucas’s friends excitedly. 

“Yeah,” Moyo sighs. “These two just have zero taste.”

Sander snorts. “Should the fact that it’s two against one not tell you something?”

“Guys, there’s no way plain coffee is the best coffee.”

“Why not?” Luca demands. “It’s the original. Stripped back. Pure, lovely energy.”

“No, I definitely prefer something sweeter,” Isa interrupts, then blushes as she earns their attention. “Hi.”

Lucas provides another quick introduction, throwing each set of names out separately. In the midst of the following greetings, Lucas says, “I have to agree with Ies. It’s always better sweet.” Moyo cheers as Sander and Luca look at him in betrayal, and he laughs. “Sorry, but it’s true.”

“There’s no point in asking Jens, then, because he’ll just agree with you,” Sander mumbles, taking a sip of what appears to be Lucas’s hot chocolate. 

“Speaking from whipped experience?” Moyo teases. 

Sander mock laughs and flips him off. 

“You’re the other artist with the boyfriend then,” Jayden pipes up, eyeing Sander from head to toe. 

Sander doesn’t falter under the attention, but appears amused as he nods. “I guess?”

“The one with the mural,” Isa adds. “That’s crazy, seriously. And so sweet. Have you been taking notes, Luc?”

“He’s my very attentive little protégé,” Sander informs her, reaching out to ruffle Lucas’s hair, even though Lucas is half an inch taller. “But I have to clarify I had no part in the Jens thing. It’s still mind-blowing to me.”

“What, that I have a boyfriend?” Jens raises a brow. 

“No, that you managed to get Luc,” Sander shrugs. 

Lucas shakes his head with a small sound of protest, wrapping his arms around Jens from the side. Jens raises his brows in challenge as Lucas leans up and kisses his cheek, but Sander merely smile genuinely at them, letting the teasing fall away into warmth. 

“I wish someone would paint a mural of me.” Jayden returns to the previous topic with a pout. 

“Aww.” Kes punches his shoulder. “I’ll paint you a mural, bro.”

Jayden wrinkles his nose. “That’d be sweeter if I didn’t know you can’t paint for shit.”

It earns a round of laughs as Kes’s expression drops into one of offense, and Jens shakes his head in amusement. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Yes, please,” Kes agrees instantly. 

Sander pushes away from the counter and follows them to the fridge. “Hang on, I’ll get you the better stuff. Senne and I hid it from the children.”

Jayden’s face lights up in glee as he smacks Lucas’s shoulder. “Man, you chose your people so wisely.”

Lucas snorts and reminds Sander, “They are also children and I thought you weren’t drinking.”

Sander waves him off and brandishes his mug of chocolate at him in answer. 

“You’re not getting something to drink?” Lucas asks Isa. 

“Oh, I definitely am, but I’m getting something sweet first.” She raises her brows, stepping back towards the table, and Moyo cheers and follows her. 

Lucas leans on the counter beside Luca and nods as Jens holds up a beer in question from across the room. Lucas bumps the girl’s shoulder and speaks once she looks over at him. “How are you? Having a good time?”

Luca hums a yes, but sighs. “I didn’t realise there was so many couples now. Aaron and Amber haven’t let up since they got here. Thank God for Yasmina and Moyo.”

Lucas huffs a laugh. “We’re not that bad, are we?”

“No,” Luca turns to smile at him. “You I’m happy for. I’m glad things are working out between you two. I know I joke, but Jens is a good guy. You’re both lucky.”

“We are, aren’t we?” Lucas smiles, looking at where Jens stands laughing at Jayden. 

“You didn’t tell me your friends were hot, either.”

Lucas whips his gaze back to her and raises her brows. “Are you interested?”

Luca shrugs. 

“Which one?” Lucas presses, eyeing Kes and Jayden, who are both listening to whatever Sander is passionately telling them about, completely enraptured. 

Luca puts a finger under his chin and draws his head around until he’s looking at the table, where Isa and Moyo are laughing with mouthfuls of crisps. 

Lucas raises his brows, grinning. “Isa?”

“Is she single?”

“As far as I know,” Lucas nods. “She used to date Kes, and then had a few short things with a couple of guys. So I don’t know if she…”

Luca nods, then sighs again. “Typical.” She watches the girl for another moment before turning to Lucas with raised brows. “Do you mind if I find out?” 

Lucas purses his lips, but a small laugh still slips out. “Go for it.” 

Luca flicks her brows up, grinning, before hopping off the counter and joining Isa and Moyo. She speaks to them for a few moments, and Lucas watches as Isa smiles and nods excitedly at her and then they head out, presumably to join the others in the living room. 

“What was that?” Jens asks, as the four of them group around him, and Lucas shrugs. 

“Think they’ve just gone to join the others.” 

Jens nods and passes Lucas his beer, the cap already disposed of. Lucas takes a sip as Jayden makes a sound of intrigue, and moments later he’s wearing one of the spare Santa hats. “Nice,” he cheers. “They’re just sitting here and none of you are wearing them. Where’s the festivity?”

Kes snorts, but whines in protest when Jayden sets a reindeer headband over his curls. “Jade, you’re such a kid.”

“Kes, you’re such a party pooper,” Jayden retorts. 

Sander laughs at that and holds his hand out, nodding at Jayden’s hat. “Pass me one, I’ll join you.”

Jayden cheers again and passes him a Santa hat, and Sander tugs it on carefully. It’s rather fitting alongside his white hair, which Lucas reaches up to comb out with his fingers as it gets caught under the edge of the hat. 

Sander gives him a grateful smile and then mockingly poses, walking over to slide his arms around Kes and Jayden’s shoulders. “What do you think? Could we do a Christmas calendar?”

Lucas nods appraisingly, but Jens squints, holding his hands up to ‘frame’ them and humming in consideration. “Maybe if you cut out the middle,” he suggests. 

Sander instantly scowls before offering an exaggerated smile and flipping him off. Then he grabs Lucas by the shoulder and pulls him forward, switching their positions so that Lucas stands between his two friends. Sander wheels around and fetches another antlered headband, carefully tucking it onto Lucas’s head despite his protests. Sander steps back next to Jens and mimics his earlier framing gesture, then looks to Jens for approval. 

Jens is smiling at the three of them, smiling in appraisal as he nudges Sander. “Do you have your camera with you?”

“No, but I can do just as good on my phone,” Sander suggests, and before any of them can agree or disagree he’s sliding it out of his pocket. 

Lucas groans as it’s pointed at them and Sander narrows his eyes at him. “Lucas. Smile. Or smoulder. Whatever. Just do something that isn’t that.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, but it’s hard not to smile when Kes and Jayden pose by kissing each of his cheeks and Jens exaggeratedly puckers his lips at him, pulling a variety of faces behind Sander. 

“Jens should be in here,” Kes protests, reaching out for said boy’s wrist as Jayden rifles through napkins and crisp packets to find one remaining Santa hat. 

Jens huffs but doesn’t argue as Lucas tugs this over his head, the white rim standing out in contrast to his raven hair. Jens smiles down at him, and Lucas can’t help but return it, then lean up for a quick kiss. He hasn’t had many opportunities tonight, and he’s in a quieter space now, with only his three best friends to witness and tease him about it. 

“Nice,” Sander says, looking at his phone as they part. “These actually could be on a calendar. Or cards or something.”

He turns the screen around to show them. There’s a string of images, one of Lucas putting the hat on Jens and then the two of them smiling at each other and another of them kissing, wrapped up in an easy embrace. Sander’s photography skills have managed to make the ugly flourescent lighting of the kitchen into something warm and glowy, and Lucas finds himself asking Sander to send him the images before they even get to the end of them. 

“Is there a separate party happening in here?” Robbe’s voice joins them, and they look to find him entering the room with a handful of empty bottles, followed by Zoë carrying a stack of plates. 

Sander instantly draws Robbe into his arms and into a kiss once the boy’s hands are free, and Robbe giggles and accepts it warmly. “No, but you haven’t met Lucas’s friends,” Sander says. 

“Isa is safely taken in by the girls,” Zoë promises Lucas, as Robbe quietly introduces himself to Kes and Jayden, brightening when they greet him with their usual enthusiasm.

“And what about the guy with Milan?” Robbe asks curiously. Sander also looks to Lucas with furrowed brows from where he has once again settled back next to Jens. 

“That’s Ralph,” Lucas explains. “He’s a friend of ours. Lives with Jayden.”

“He’d argue that I live with him,” Jayden says. 

Robbe nods, lips twisted together thoughtfully as he looks back to Lucas. Lucas grins, and Robbe smiles in understanding before Zoë wraps her arms around his shoulders from behind. 

“I love this.” She squeezes him, tone light and smile wide. “Feels like old times.”

Robbe twists his head to look at her with a soft grin, pressing a kiss to her cheek. His grin widens and then he whispers something in her ear. 

Zoë brightens even further and nods, slipping back out into the hallway. 

“We’ll be back in a bit,” Robbe says simply, but doesn’t get far before Sander reaches out for him. 

“What are you doing?”

Robbe shrugs. “Come with.” Sander moves to tug his Santa hat off before Robbe bats his hand away. “You can keep that, it’s cute. Come.”

Sander follows without another word and Kes and Jayden laugh, watching after them. 

“Dude is cool but he really is whipped,” Kes says. “I can see you’ve really found your crew, Luc.”

“I am not whipped,” Lucas instantly protests. He contradicts himself by melting as Jens tugs him backwards into his chest and presses a smile to his neck. 

Jayden cackles. “No, definitely not.”

Lucas rolls his eyes and reaches out to shove at both of their shoulders. “Go introduce yourselves to the others.”

“Damn, how many friends do you have?” Jayden asks, at the same time Kes questions, “You aren’t coming with us?”

“We’ll join you in a bit,” Jens answers for him, and the boys acquiesce with dramatic sighs and exaggerated reluctance. They’re giggling and play-fighting by the time they’ve made it to the door, however, so Lucas doesn’t have to feel too bad. 

He leans back into Jens’s hold instead and smiles when Jens kisses the spot behind his ear and sighs, “Finally.”

“I thought they would never leave,” Lucas jokingly agrees, twisting around in Jens’s hold to wind his arms around his neck and kiss him properly. Jens hums into it, settling his hands low on Lucas’s back in order to pull him flush against him. Lucas indulges in the proximity, knowing this won’t be allowed for long, that someone will interrupt at any moment and burst their bubble. He gives Jens his dose of affection now while he can, and Jens, as usual, laps it up. 

Lucas pulls back just enough to nudge their noses together, eyes flicking between Jens’s. “How are you?”

Jens takes a moment to think about it, and then smiles. “Good. Just a little tired. Bed felt empty without you last night.”

“Good thing tonight that changes, then,” Lucas says simply. The four of his friends are also crashing for the night, having been graciously gifted a few blow up mattresses and the couch by Milan. It then became no question that Lucas would also stay, to then take them back to his flat the following morning. 

And, of course, to keep Jens company, at his very innocent request. 

“It sucks that I miss you already. Even though I knew I’d see you at school.”

Lucas hums. “It’ll just take a little getting used to. But there’s no school for a while now. Just us.”

Jens smiles, leaning down to kiss him again. “I like that.”

“Me too. We could always hide out in the bathtub, if you need a breather,” Lucas offers, grinning widely as Jens lights up knowingly and laughs. 

“That’s a good option.”

“Probably a little less awkward now than the first time.”

“Was it awkward?” Jens smiles wider, eyes crinkling. 

“I was awkward. You just found me sitting there with my bottle of beer and self-pity.”

Jens hums. “I found you. I was looking for you.”

It’s something Lucas already knows by now, but his heart thumps at the mention of it, overwhelmed with gratitude and adoration. He really is as lucky as everyone keeps telling him. 

“I hope you weren’t disappointed,” he whispers. 

Jens pecks his nose. “Maybe a little. Only because you had all your clothes on.”

A laugh is startled out of Lucas at that, head dropping back for a moment, and then he’s drawing closer again and raising his brows. “I can arrange for that to be mended, if the situation comes up again.”

“Yeah?” Jens raises his brows back. 

Lucas hums, turning to liquid as Jens kisses him again, bowing him backwards with the force of it. Lucas finds that he doesn’t mind. He’d gladly let Jens break him in two, if it kept that light in his eyes. It’s bright as he gazes down at Lucas, leaning his head against Lucas’s and taking a minute to simply exist together, hearts synchronised. 

He pulls away suddenly and his eyes widen as he looks over Lucas’s shoulder. “Jana?”

Lucas turns around to see the girl hovering in the doorway, smiling brightly at them, wearing her own sparkly Santa hat and a winter coat. “Hi,” she greets. 

It’s all it takes for Jens to rush forward and lift her off her feet, startling a laugh out of her as he twirls her around before letting her go. He doesn’t part far, resting his hands on her shoulders and giving her a once over. “What? How are you here?”

Jana looks past him at Lucas, and they share a grin. 

Jens twists around and raises his brows at him. “Did you do this?”

“Well, I didn’t pay for the flight or anything,” Lucas laughs. “But it was my idea, yeah. I contacted her already last week, when I heard about the party. Hoping that you would be here for it. I thought it might be a nice surprise.”

“He’s being modest,” Jana admonishes. “He didn’t pay but he helped me organise everything. We were supposed to be coming back for the holidays anyway but Lucas helped us switch my Sunday flight so I could get back today.”

“What about school, and your mom, everything?” Jens asks, still in a state of disbelief. 

Jana shrugs. “My exams were already finished, so school wasn’t an issue. I’m staying with Zoë and Senne until Mom gets here on Sunday.” She raises her brows at Jens in the stunned silence that follows, punching his shoulder. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” 

Jens finally breaks out of his stupor and pulls her into another hug. “Fuck, you have no idea.”

Lucas settles back against the counter with a smile as he watches them, but it doesn’t take Jens long to return and give him a hard kiss. 

“I don’t know how you do these things,” he murmurs. “You’re magic.”

Lucas flushes. “I didn’t do anything,” he protests, smiling. 

“Well, I wouldn’t be here without you,” Jana says, walking over to join them and leaning in to give Lucas a quick hug. It’s a position Lucas would have never thought he’d be in, but over the past week they’ve gotten to know each other better while sneakily messaging back and forth. Lucas has found that they have similarities, share a few things in common, and that he actually _likes_ Jana now that he’s viewing her as just herself, rather than his boyfriend’s ex. He no longer has to worry, no longer has any reason to be jealous, and it makes it a lot easier to be amicable. He had never truly disliked the girl in the first place, and it’s nice to think a genuine bond could be formed within the three of them. 

“How did you even get here from the airport?” Jens asks, as Jana steps back again. 

Jana smirks at him. “You didn’t really think Senne would miss out on a party for no reason, did you?”

Jens smiles, shaking his head in amazement, looking between the two of them in awe. 

“Merry Christmas,” Lucas jokes, laughing as Jens elbows his side. 

“Don’t think you’re getting away with that, I know you’ve already bought me something.” Jens smiles smugly at him. 

“Oh, speaking of gifts, I have something for you,” Jana tells Lucas. 

He raises his brows as she reaches inside her coat. “Me?”

Understanding sinks in as she produces a bottle of beer—the exact kind they’d shared at that first party, the night they all met. He grins as he takes it from her, spinning it in his hands. 

Jana grins back at him, tucking her hands into her pockets. “Mostly as a thank you. For the assistance but also for all the hard work you must have had to put in since meeting this one.” She nods her head at Jens, who protests as Lucas laughs. 

“We’ll share it again,” Lucas decides. “I think we both deserve it.”

“I’m not going to argue with that,” Jana beams. 

It’s Jens who still seems to be smiling the brightest, alight with joy and love as he watches the two of them. The Santa hat still sits lopsided on his head, as do Lucas’s own antlers, and it’s too adorable of a picture for Lucas to ignore. He leans in and gives the boy another kiss, not even thinking of Jana’s presence, simply overcome with the base desire to love Jens in any way he can at every available moment. 

“Come on,” Jens says to both of them once they pull away, hand firmly grasping Lucas’s and thumb brushing over his ring. “You should see the others. Luc’s friends are here, too.”

Jana nods in acceptance, tucking her arm through Lucas’s as Jens leads them to the sitting room, where a commotion instantly breaks out at the sight of the girl. Zoë and Robbe are the first to reach her, having just walked into the room ahead of them only to double back in surprise. Lucas breaks away from them all with a laugh to find his friends next to the mantle, sitting on the stools Milan had left out. Milan himself has also strayed from Ralph’s side on one of the couches to greet Jana, and Ralph doesn’t seem to mind, watching them all with a smile as Isa drops onto the cushions next to him. 

Lucas drops himself down next to Jayden across the room and smiles as he and Kes shake their heads. 

“You’ve got some set up here, Luc,” Kes says. “I know this isn’t your apartment, but still. This group reminds me of our own.”

“It’s crazy,” Jayden agrees, taking a sip from his cup. 

Lucas doesn’t respond immediately in favour of watching Jens, smiling amidst the circle of his friends, laughing at whatever Milan says to him. He drags his gaze away after a few seconds to look at his own friends, in sudden awe of how naturally the two worlds have collided. “They’re all pretty cool, huh?”

The boys nod in agreement, and Jayden smirks as he nods towards Jens. “Especially your boy, too. You’ll have to bring him to Utrecht sometime soon.”

“I will, over the holidays,” Lucas promises. “Mom wants to meet him.”

“Nice,” Kes says, reaching across the space to ruffle Lucas’s hair. “As much as we miss you, I’m really happy for you, man. You deserve all this. I’m glad you could make it work.”

Lucas smiles. “Me too. The best of both worlds.”

Jayden shakes him by the shoulder, and Lucas grins as Jens meets his eye across the room. 

The party is still in full swing by the time he makes it to Isa on the couch, replacing Ralph, who had disappeared to the kitchen with Milan a while before. Isa smiles as he sits down next to her, and Lucas bumps their shoulders together in greeting. The sitting room is the most heavily decorated area, with the tree in the corner lighting up the space. Balloons line the mantle and tinsel hangs from every available space, as well as a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the door that Lucas hadn’t noticed before. 

He understands why when Milan and Ralph return, and Robbe instantly calls out to them from his spot in the corner with Sander, Zoë and Senne. 

“Hey, don’t you see what’s above your heads?” he protests, freezing them in their tracks with his grin. He nods at the mistletoe. “Are you really going to ignore such a sacred tradition?”

The two men look up, and then back at the room full of their friends, and Milan shoots daggers at Robbe and opens his mouth. Before he can give a rebuke, Ralph is placing his hands on his shoulders and whirling him around. He cups Milan’s cheeks and places a smacking kiss on his lips. 

The room breaks into uproar, Sander whistling as Moyo and Jens whoop and the girls cheer. Robbe and Zoë offer a round of applause as the two break apart and Milan beams, flushed from the neck up. Isa joins the claps, cheering next to Lucas’s ear, and Lucas laughs as Jayden claps Ralph on the back and Robbe blows Milan a kiss. 

“That was sneaky, setting them up.” Isa elbows him, smiling as Milan and Ralph join the circle on the floor, sitting with their knees touching and cheeks flushed. 

Lucas grins. “Well, I didn’t do that. I had some help.” He looks across the room to Robbe, who immediately catches his gaze and shoots him a thumbs up before being tugged away by Sander. Lucas laughs again as the blonde guides them into the doorway and immediately pulls Robbe into a kiss. 

“You’re doing really well here, huh?” Isa asks, gazing up at him. 

“Yeah.” Lucas shrugs. “Well I mean, things kind of sucked for a while, but they’re working out.”

Isa hums, smiling sympathetically. “How have things been? With Jens?”

Lucas glances at the boy, sat on the floor between Moyo and Jana, laughing with ease. “Things are always easy with Jens. They just got hard when he was gone,” Lucas admits, looking back at her. “But he’s amazing. He’s handling it all a lot better than I would.”

“Well, he has you,” Isa says simply. “I bet that makes it easier.”

“I hope so.”

They sit in silence for a moment, watching it all, and then Isa says, “He really is handsome.”

Lucas huffs, his smile growing as he turns to her. “He is.”

“I’d definitely snatch him up if you hadn’t,” she jokes, and Lucas laughs again. 

“Actually, uhm.” He licks his lips as Isa looks up at him, curious. “I wanted to say something. I know you figured it out but...all that shit with us before, about you and Kes. I never properly apologised. I shouldn’t have fucked with your relationship like that.”

Isa shakes her head, already smiling at him. She glances across the room, to where Kes and Jayden are sitting with Ralph and Milan. “Our relationship was already messed up before all of that, Luc. I’m glad you’re apologising, but I already understand, hm?”

Lucas nods slowly, pursing his lips. 

“Really, that’s so far in the past,” Isa says softly. “I forgot about it a long time ago. You should as well.”

It allows Lucas to finally relax, a years’ old weight sliding from his shoulders at Isa’s earnest smile. “I think that’s actually what I’ve learnt most, since moving here.” _Since I met Jens._

Isa furrows her brows at him, still smiling. “What’s that?”

“That I live too much in the past,” he explains. “Or the future. It’s like I’ve always spent so much time looking back in regret or looking forward and being scared of things changing.” She nods slightly, listening intently and giving him the courage to continue. “I’ve been so wrapped up in that, and it gave me just, more stress? I was so focused on how my life was changing and I think I kind of forgot to actually live it. In the moment.”

“To enjoy things as they come,” Isa tries, smiling as he nods. “Now you have something to appreciate and something to lose.”

“Exactly,” Lucas agrees. “Anything could happen between tonight and tomorrow. Whether you’re basing it on a religion or science or parallel universes.” He smiles as he focuses on Jens again, remembering what he’d said when Lucas had first brought up the theory. About being scared of not knowing his purpose in this universe, or why this version of him is necessary. It was something Lucas had never thought before, but has since considered, wondering what his own meaning is. Carving the path for _himself_ , the version of him that exists in this universe, with his Jens, right now. “You have to enjoy things while they last. Because the only thing for certain is…” 

He trails off as Jens’s eyes catch his, familiar and warm. They brighten and soften at once as he looks at Lucas, and his lips curve into his easiest smile. Lucas’s own lift to match it, and he gazes at this boy, his heart, and thinks, _You. In this minute, the only sure thing is you._

“What?” Isa questions. 

Lucas keeps his smile on Jens for a moment longer before turning back to her. 

“That life is now.”


End file.
